Badly
It’s now been twice in the past day that I’ve sat down to write, started a post, and proceeded to essentially rage-quit it about two paragraphs in.
This is mostly crazy because I have specifically designed the maitenence and creation of this blog to be as stress-free as possible. I have absolutely no idea why this is happening, but I’m here to figure it out.
In both mentioned instances, the trouble I was having was one of flow. These posts are written very stream-of-consciousness (haha, yeah. can you tell?) and are often begun the moment after thinking “hmm. I want to write a blog.” It’s just pull out da ‘puter, think the thinks, write it down.
Which is what I’m doing now, actually.
But I think the issue is lately I’ve got it in my mind that there are more rules for this steak than there be. Argh!
With how much I’ve gotten back into my writing, I have been on the high horse that I need to be a GOOD writer. There can be none of this half sentence biznizz unless for effect, no starting sentences with conjunctions, and that every single thing I write should be intelligible.
BUT THAT’S NOT WHAT THIS IS FORRRR!!
This blog steak is for ME. It has to make sense to ME and ME ONLY! I sometimes scare myself thinking about some huge audience finding these private thoughts o’ mine and, genuinely, I need to take deep breaths. I am DEEPLY terrified of fame, don’t even get me started on being known. And I KNOW it’s the heart of being alive and human connection, but, listen, I’ve had it rough with some of that for my whole life, don’t even get me started on this last year.
But so with all of this, I get put into this dichotomy of being like “this is my blog, this fun thing I like to do for me” and like “OK BUT IT’S ON THE INTERNET AND WHAT IF EVERYONE FINDS IT??!?!”
And the latter is what puts me into these big artist blocks with it.
I’m being kinda dramatic with this I realize, but hilariously, I am being the most authentic version of myself that I think I’ve ever been here.
What’s funny is that before I was terrified of fame, I wanted so badly to be famous. I sometimes still feel like a fraud when I say I would hate fame BECAUSE of how much I once was genuinely pursuing it. But I think it’s really hard to be both (1) famous and (2) a good person, and one of those is really important to me. Unfortunately, I think I have many of the character traits consistent with bringing about lifelong fame (and a kickass personal “brand,” if I do say so myself), but doesn’t everybody these days?
But I think the real issue, the BIGGER issue that’s been causing my inability to write, is the feeling that I am doing just about everything BADLY lately.
I essentially just rebooted my entire life. I moved cities, changed jobs, am in graduate school, traveled the entire nation for 3 weeks, and am as physically far away from where I grew up that I’ve ever been.
(Well. There was one other time, but we don’t really talk about her. It didn’t go great. Don’t worry though. It was a place problem. And I still kicked ass.)
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This is my first (fair) shot at my own life. I’ve healed and transcended so much and grown into a person that younger me couldn’t have DREAMED of. It all feels really good.
It also feels really, really, really scary.
I am batting BLIND out here. I used to think I could bend the world to my will (and, in fairness, it felt like I could). I suppose being resident Big Fish of Pond for that many years will do that.
That’s exactly why I left, though. I knew that the life I had where I felt so great was because I’d experienced so little. Because the more you know, the less you think you (can) know. I thought I knew everything, but I knew that every time I felt that way I was being an arrogant, ignorant son of a nutcracker.
So I left, and I had to. I had to show myself there was more, because I was starting to not believe it anymore. I was going through the same things over an over again, and it was because I was still in the midwest!
Funny enough, if you can believe it, the second I resolved to leave, the moment I started acting like there was more and holding that higher standard for myself to go and find it, the life I had settled into for YEARS
CRUMBLED. BEHIND ME.
Well, I guess it wasn’t behind me at the time. It was actually all I had so it actually wasn’t great to have that happen when I was still fulfilling obligations I had for another year.
But you know what it did?
It allowed me to spend the whole last year on myself, preparing ME for what lay ahead. No distractions, no backing out (nothing to back out to), and just dedicated time to think about all of it.
What had happened, what’s to come.
And I will say, I feel like a slingshot. I left when I finally could at the end of this passed year positively ITCHING to go. I was excited and healed into the person who could really do it, not just the person who could dream it.
AND IT’S SO GREAT!!!!! BUT IT’S ALSO SCARY!
Because the uncertainty of all of this has formally changed the way I think. I question everything again, and it makes me feel like I am doing it all BADLY.
And while I know that this is the way forward, I’m tired of not being good at ANYTHING anymore!
Ladies and gents, it is formally time
to get good,
again.
