Oh. My. God. That's all I can say after watching Sara Bareilles's most recent post on Instagram, in which she discovers multiple dead carcasses in her house and tries to remove them herself.
Sara shared a nearly five-minute-long video that is both horrifying and hilarious. It's currently taking the internet by storm, racking up over 50K likes and 750K views in just 12 hours. Here's exactly what happened, but, um, brace yourself.
~Fade in~ The video opens on some debris in Sara's house. Her floors are covered in dirt, and the camera pans up, revealing a tiny fireplace ash dump on her wall that's been stuck shut for years. Sara starts singing a madeup tune about the situation: "When you live in the country and you open a door 'cause it's always been closed every time before, and you see some stuff falling out you think maybe I should see what's inside." Totally normal, right? WRONG! Hold your breath, grab some sage, and take a seat, because we're just getting started.
Sara then opens the door, and her song continues: "And it's a skull! And it's a skull! It's the bone of a maggot-filled skull! I don't know what this thing is! It's a giant dragon! What the fuck! What the fuck!" Yes, Sara. What the fuck indeed. Like?????????? What is this????????????????????? Help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sara's song and dance have ended. This is no longer a time for jokes! We must get down to business! The camera cuts to Sara, who's now putting on gloves. "I've had this house for several years now. I love this place. And this door, I could never get it open before. But today I walk in, and there was all this shit on the floor," she explains. Detective Bareilles continued, holding the camera even closer to the mysterious substance inside: "Let me give you another closer look...it's, you know, the carcass and remains of some kind of giant rodent. I'm thinking it might be a raccoon. That's my best guess."
Now it's time for the removal! Sara fittingly (or inappropriately???) grabs a giant Petco bag and a shovel to help dispose of the dead body. She starts scooping out pounds of dirt and soil and...poop, I'm assuming? Her voice gets louder and louder: "Oh, god! Oh, god! Oh, god! Oh, god! Oh, god! Ahhhhhh!!!!!!!" For as much pain as this situation is bringing Sara, that's how much joy it's bringing me. She's a comedic treasure.
"I have the skull! I have the skull! I have the skull!" Buckets of dirt and poop continue to fall. Sara's inner monologue is working overtime. "There's a better way to do this, I'm certain of it...oh my god. If I didn't express to you the size of this body...oh! I think there's, like, a bunch— I want you to see what I'm seeing." The saga continues!
Sara changes the camera angle yet again, this time from her point of view. She continues, "This body is biggggggg. It's like a turkey! Oh my god! Ahhh!!!! AND A LONG TAIL! OH MY GOD! OH NO!!!! OH MY GOD! IT'S, LIKE, BIRTHING ITSELF!"
Side note: I hope Sara submits this short film to a few festivals later this year. I want her on the awards circuit. I'll happily sign on as a co-producer! Let's (finally) get her nominated for an Oscar!
ANYWAY, we continue! Sara is now convinced that there are MULTIPLE carcasses hidden in her walls. She stops to take a breather, with one of the dead bodies literally dangling from the side of the ash dump, almost like a child's baby tooth hanging on by a thread. This video is pure poetry. Horrifying, horrifying poetry. "There's multiples! IT'S MULTIPLES! It's multiple things! It's multiple— oh, god!!!! Oh, Jesus, lord!!!! Oh my goddess! Oh my god!!!" I'm out of breath. The first carcass has fallen. Sara's Petco bag is nearly full. She lets out one final "oh, geez!!!!" before continuing.
The camera cuts to a closeup of Sara's face. "That was dramatic," she understates. Sara then leans in for a closer look at what's inside her Petco bag. She gasps!!!! One of the tails has escaped. She picks it up, muttering, "Oh, god! Oh, god! Oh, god!" Babe, grab some Clorox NOW! Bleach the entire house! And your body! One pair of gloves was not enough! Scrub, scrub, scrub!
But the job is not over!!!! Sara continues to scoop up even more rodent (maybe?) carcasses. She insists that there's probably a better method to how she's disposing of everything, and, yeah, I fully agree. One of her friends gave her the idea to use a shovel, to which Sara expressed thanks, because without the idea she probably would have just used her hands. Interesting!
Ever-the-ally, Sara finished with her final scoop and said, "I do want you guys to know, for what it's worth, I am gonna give these little creatures a little blessing and set them back into nature, even though they're quite, very, very dead."
Sara finished her video with one final note: "Then I'm gonna sage the place, and then I'm gonna shower." Amen!!!!! Please take two showers, just to be safe!
Now, a ton of celebrities started sounding off in the comments. Katie Couric said she plans on nominating Sara's made-up song for a Grammy "after I finish barfing."
And comedian Wanda Sykes exclaimed that, if this had happened to her, she would have just moved entirely. (TBH I don't disagree!!!!!)
And then Busy Philipps, Sara's Girls5Eva co-star, chimed in on the situation by posting multiple Instagram stories about how horrified she was, which, like, same. She even referred to Sara's video as "the worst HGTV show I've ever seen in my life." In fact, she posted two minute-long videos about the saga, so I've transcribed everything below in case you're curious.
Busy continued by talking about how "horrified" she was for another full minute. Below is that transcript, in case you want to laugh a little more.
I still have no idea what type of animals (hopefully!) were trapped in Sara's wall, and it sounds like she doesn't know either. She first thought of a dragon, then a raccoon, and then a turkey. But somehow she picked up a tail on the ground??? I have no idea! But please tell me all of your thoughts in the comments!
Anyway, if there are any lessons we can learn from this adventure, it's that 1. Anyone can be brave enough to clean up a mess, no matter how big or scary, and 2. We need a fourth season of Girls5Eva ASAP.
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