How to balance grief and the practical details after a parent dies

Losing a parent isn’t just emotionally devastating, it can be mentally overwhelming, as well, due to the sheer amount of loose ends that may need tying up. Accounts to close, a house to pack up and possibly sell and more — all while feeling really, really sad. 

“Even if you’ve been preparing for the loss of a sick or aging parent ahead of time, it can still feel overwhelming dealing with the practical details after they pass,” says May Han, a licensed marriage and family therapist with Spark Relational Counseling in Portland. 

Here, Han and others offer insight on how adult children can manage the hands-on practical tasks after a parent dies, while simultaneously holding their feelings of grief. 

How do I know what to do after a parent dies?

Right away, identify your support team, notes Gabrielle Wanchek, a licensed marriage and family therapist with Mindpath Health in El Segundo, California. “These are the people who can help you make phone calls, gather information, organize, etc.”

Tackle the most pressing details first

Once you’ve touched base, these are the practical tasks to tackle together, per Carla Harvey, a grief coach and bereavement specialist in Chicago:

• Contact the funeral home or cremation provider.
• Notify close family.
• Locate important documents (advance directives, wills, insurance policies).
• Ensure that any dependents or pets are cared for.

“It’s perfectly OK not to tackle everything at once,” Harvey notes. “In the first 24–48 hours, focus on essentials rather than perfection. Trust that the logistical pieces can unfold step by step.”

Don’t stop taking care of yourself

From an individual perspective, make sure your basic needs are still being met, says Wanchek. 

“Make sure you’re eating, getting sufficient hydration and getting sleep,” she notes. “If those three personal needs are not taken care of, it can become difficult to make necessary decisions and could cause increased issues with coping.”

“Give emotions permission to exist in the background without judgment. You can cry and call the funeral home in the same hour; both are valid forms of care.”

— Carla Harvey, grief coach and bereavement specialist

How can I manage my emotions while dealing with the practical details of my parent’s death?

It isn’t easy. However, one step to take right away, according to Han, is to expect to be triggered while dealing with the practical details. By doing this, she notes, you can better deal with the emotions as they arise than if you’re taken completely off guard. 

“When you feel triggered, talking to loved ones and asking for support is essential,” she says. “Sometimes people can experience a delayed impact of their emotions, because they’ve been occupied dealing with the practical details.”

“It’s only after most of the logistical things are done, they can be hit by a wave of strong emotions,” she continues. “One way to manage those emotions is to find a safe space where you can let them out and sit with them as they occur.”

In addition to anticipating feelings — and acknowledging them, which is no small feat — finding small, everyday sensory-based rituals can be helpful, too, notes Harvey. For example:

• Light a candle.
• Take deep breaths.
• Hold a meaningful object before each major task.
• Have your favorite latte.

“Give emotions permission to exist in the background without judgment,” she says. “You can cry and call the funeral home in the same hour; both are valid forms of care.”

What should I do if I’m completely overwhelmed?

Talk it out

If you feel paralyzed by your grief or overwhelm, speak to a professional. “If you find yourself unable to cope, are having problems resting, are unable to complete even simple tasks (whether you have a support system or not), speaking with a primary care physician is a good first step,” Wanchek notes. 

“While the stages of grief are natural, being unable to cope is an indication that some type of additional intervention is needed, even if it’s just in the short term,” she adds.

Choose a ‘grief proxy’

Another option is to choose one trusted person to act as your “grief proxy,” notes Harvey. “This person can help field calls and make initial arrangements while you catch your breath,” she says. “Overwhelm doesn’t mean weakness; it’s a natural physiological response to shock and loss. Taking a step back can actually help you move forward more effectively.”

Practice mindfulness stress tolerance

Han also recommends practicing mindfulness stress tolerance techniques.

“One technique involves immersing your face in cold water for 20 seconds,” she explains. “When we are emotionally overwhelmed, our nervous system is stuck in fight or flight mode. This technique restarts your nervous system from a physiological level and can get you out of overwhelm quickly.”

“Sometimes people can experience a delayed impact of their emotions, because they’ve been occupied dealing with the practical details… One way to manage those emotions is to find a safe space where you can let them out and sit with them as they occur.”

— May Han, licensed marriage and family therapist

How can I work through grief while taking care of myself?

An important thing to remember, Harvey notes, is that “grief is not a problem to solve; it’s a relationship to tend.” Put another way: Really, there’s no end to it. 

While there are a number of ways to address grief (including speaking with a therapist), here are three specific ways to work through things. 

Journal. This is what Wanchek turned to when her own father passed away in 2023. “Consider writing letters to the deceased parent in a journal, used specifically for those letters,” she says. “This can help you feel as though you are having a more individual, personal connection with the person that passed.”

Keep traditions alive. Harvey encourages engaging in activities that connect you to your parent. “Continue the bond through memory-sharing, cooking your parent’s favorite meal or even choosing to memorialize them in a unique way such as choosing Parting Stone’s solidified remains,” she says. “These acts anchor love in the physical world and help the bereaved stay connected while adjusting to the new reality.”

Don’t isolate yourself. Make sure you stay connected to others. “Support can come from multiple circles,” Wanchek notes. “Friends who simply listen, clergy or cultural leaders who understand ritual, therapists or grief counselors who specialize in bereavement.” 

“If you find yourself unable to sleep, eat or experience joy for extended periods, or if your grief feels isolating or self-destructive, it’s time to reach out for professional support,” she adds. 

Is there a way to balance my grief with everyday life?

Balancing grief doesn’t mean “getting over” it, Harvey notes, it’s about learning to carry the loss alongside your ongoing life.  “You can start by allowing micro-moments of normalcy,” she says, “Walking the dog, sharing a meal or laughing at a memory. Grief can coexist with living; the two are not opposites.”

“Over time, you’ll find that the love remains but the pain softens into something you can hold without it consuming you.”

— Carla Harvey

And, on the flip side, Han adds, you can also allow yourself “grieving time” throughout the week. “ It can start with a few minutes, then increase to half an hour,” she notes. 

“People can take the time to think about their loved ones and let the feelings out in those grieving times,” Han explains. “That way, if and when you feel sad suddenly, you can acknowledge it and remind yourself that you can come back to those feelings during the designated grieving time.”

“Over time, you’ll find that the love remains,” notes Harvey, “but the pain softens into something you can hold without it consuming you.”

A final note on grieving loss while balancing your own, full life

It’s hard, but it gets better — and the grief timeline is different for everyone. 

“Everyone’s process is going to be different,” Wancheck says. “But by reducing the number of tasks and responsibilities initially and making sure you are paying attention to your own needs, this can help you find some balance from the start.”