- 7 months ago
Original Broadcast Date: September 24th 2014
Category
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TVTranscript
00:01Don't worry, it's not that promo again.
00:04Ah, Sean, good to see you.
00:05Nice to be back, Stephen.
00:08Frances!
00:10Gee, the show writes itself these days, eh, Sean?
00:12Certainly saves us money on a script apartment, Emily.
00:14No pre-title sequence for the return season, Sean?
00:16Well, it's only been six months, Roz.
00:18I think the audience remembers what we do.
00:20A fake news show.
00:21Exactly, Santo.
00:22Hi, everybody.
00:23We're just going to get a shot of you
00:24so the home audience doesn't think the laughter's canned.
00:28Enjoyed the break?
00:29I tried to.
00:30In fact, funny story.
00:31Excuse me.
00:32I went and visited my travel agent and...
00:43Here's trouble.
00:45Good morning, ladies.
00:46Oh, mad as hell all done for another season, Mr M?
00:49Yes, it is, yes.
00:50I'm very much looking forward to getting away.
00:52Rottnest Island sex holiday.
00:54No, no.
00:55I think I'll go somewhere different this year.
00:57Tell him about the jihadist fighter package, Ingrid.
00:59Oh, you'll love it, Mr M.
01:01It's like a weekend warrior paintball skirmish,
01:04but with real weapons and martyrdom.
01:06Alright.
01:07Iraq?
01:08Sort of an Iraqi, Syria-y location.
01:10It's a bit hard to do with the border these days.
01:12No, no.
01:13I don't think so.
01:14Oh, we've got a few spots left on our Thai surrogacy special,
01:17but they're closing the loophole soon, so it's your last chance.
01:20I was hoping to just do a bit of shopping.
01:23Oh.
01:24Cambodian orphanage?
01:25No, nothing human.
01:26I just want to pick up a few things.
01:28West coast of Africa.
01:29You can pick up something.
01:30They're quite easy.
01:32Get airlifted to the US.
01:33Try a few vaccines.
01:35Alright.
01:36What's the looting like in Missouri at the moment?
01:38Could flare up again.
01:39Fingers crossed.
01:41What are our relations like with Russia as we speak?
01:44Oh, not good.
01:45Tony Abbott shot his mouth off and he's ruined it for everyone.
01:48Same with Scotland.
01:49China?
01:51Clive Palmer.
01:53Well, I may as well stay here and play for Team Australia.
01:55You got the fixture?
01:56Who are we up against for the rest of the year?
01:57Refugees, journalists and the trade union movement.
02:02I'll be glad to get back to work.
02:18Thank you very much.
02:41Now, look.
02:42Now, listen.
02:43Thank you so much.
02:44And I don't want to start off on a bad note, but what the f*** is going on?
02:47And we're off air for a few months and we get back and World War Three has started
02:51and we're living in a police state and Red Foo's teams are totally smashing it on X Factor.
02:57You know, and I hope I'm not overstating the importance of this show,
03:00but I think that if we'd been on, none of this would have happened.
03:04Except for Red Foo's success, obviously.
03:06I mean, Jason here has drumming is fully dog.
03:12I've no idea what I'm talking about.
03:14I want to start the series on a positive note, if I may, and wish a belated happy birthday to the Trust Abbott government.
03:20According to the Mad as Hell Wall calendar, it's been 382 days since the federal election,
03:28which is exactly one year in about three weeks.
03:31Now, obviously, it feels a lot longer than that for some people.
03:34In fact, when Tony Abbott was celebrating his first 100 days in office,
03:37the ABC was suggesting that his prime ministership predated the birth of Christ.
03:43That's sloppy journalism and typical of the ABC.
03:46I mean, the sooner they dismantle this place, the better in my opinion.
03:49So, congratulations to the government who, it must be said, have made some extraordinarily popular decisions so far.
03:57Deciding to not amend Section 18C of the Racial Discrimination Act.
04:01Deciding to not abolish penalty rates.
04:03Deciding to not scrap the school kids bonus.
04:06And may I say, at the risk of sounding bias, that I believe there's nothing this government will do for us
04:11if they really put their minds to it.
04:14Of course, it's also the opposition's first year anniversary of not being in office.
04:19And I must admit that what I've missed most in the last year is that edge-of-your-seat excitement
04:24of not knowing who your prime minister's going to be from one day to the next.
04:28But that's just me.
04:29Outspoken person with a Twitter account, FriskyBingeLocust.
04:32How do you think, how do you think Labor are going?
04:35Sean, I think they've settled into their role very nicely.
04:38And that's because opposition suits them.
04:42Without the burdensome yoke of working out how to execute a policy, they've thrived.
04:47They look far more accomplished and at ease, just carping hypocritically about the odd broken promise.
04:53In fact, it's now that they don't have the problems of having to govern
04:56that they look most like an alternative government.
04:59Yes, I agree.
05:00They do look good when they're not spending like a drunken sailor
05:02who watches boatloads of asylum seekers sail past because he's so pissed.
05:06Exactly.
05:08Sean, it's that born-to-be-ruled mentality.
05:12Smart-arse line to end on there. Thanks very much, Frisky.
05:16And it's also been 12 months since Operation Sovereign Borders started.
05:20Rosemary Kiflers from the Department of Immigration and Border Protection.
05:23How's it gone?
05:24Look, it's gone really, really...
05:25I mean, I understand you can't talk about these things in detail.
05:27Oh, no, I'm happy to, because we've actually...
05:29I completely understand the need for a media blackout in this area, so...
05:32No, please, let me tell you, because it's been an outstanding...
05:34In fact, I should have even asked. I'm sorry, I don't want to compromise national security.
05:37This is a bad idea and we'll leave it there.
05:39We've turned back 12 votes.
05:41It was a year ago, as well, our Prime Minister was campaigning on the thorny subject of foreign policy, stating that at least insofar as Syria was concerned...
05:50It's not goodies versus baddies, it's baddies versus baddies.
05:54Since then, of course, it's become more complicated, with baddies joining baddies to verse even worse baddies.
06:00So, enough positivity, let's get real about a subject that I suspect will be around low enough to justify the expense of this new animated graphic.
06:07One!
06:08Two!
06:09Good God!
06:12Viceray cabin boy Sir Bobo Gargle, are boots on the ground in Iraq and Syria inevitable?
06:17Oh, I hardly think so, Sean.
06:19Boots in the air, yes.
06:21In planes, as we fly over, dropping humanitarian weapons to the Kurds, but...
06:25Boots on the ground?
06:26Absolutely not.
06:28What about if we're asked to by the United States?
06:30Well, then absolutely, we'd be there with bells on.
06:33As many boots as we can muster, we'll load them up and push them out the back of the Hercules, wherever they're needed.
06:38What would these boots be doing once they're on the ground?
06:41Probably running away.
06:43Depends who puts them on, you know.
06:45With these sort of humanitarian drops, it's very hard to hit precise targets.
06:49Okay, so these boots could end up in enemy hands?
06:51They could end up on enemy hands, sure.
06:54There's no proper training for this sort of equipment.
06:56That's why we're in the United Arab Emirates as we speak, teaching these chaps exactly the same things we teach our own personnel in the Australian Defence Force.
07:04And if they can survive the ritual hazing and sexual humiliation, then we'll load them up the back of the Hercules and push them off wherever they're needed.
07:13Now, you're dropping AK-47s to the Kurds in northern Iraq at the moment.
07:17As best we can, Sean.
07:19From 10,000 feet up, it's very difficult to tell political allegiance or religious conviction.
07:24It's not like delivering a newspaper where you can slow down and read the numbers off the letterbox.
07:29Up there, you're flying by the seat of your pants.
07:32Quite literally, if you're an attractive cadet.
07:34My point is that AK-47s are Russian-made. Doesn't delivering them sort of fly in the face of our trade sanctions with Russia?
07:41Sean, I'm a member of the military. I don't involve myself in matters of international diplomacy.
07:47I do what I'm told to do by the Minister of Defence, the Minister for Immigration, and on occasion, Christopher Pyne.
07:56Thank you very much indeed, Bobo.
07:57And can I just add on a personal note how grateful I am to the Australian Federal Police and ASIO
08:03for being out in force back home to keep an eye and protect our public institutions.
08:08Not just football stadiums during the final season, but here at the ABC on nights like this.
08:12Can we get a shot of the AFP officer who's been assigned to our studio?
08:16There he is over there. What's your name, sir?
08:18Tony.
08:19Tony, Tony. Beautiful name.
08:20Just wanted to thank you very much for being here.
08:22Oh, not a problem, Sean. I've been a big fan for a long time.
08:25I was very, very happy when they assigned me.
08:27Oh, good. Well, a dangerous job, though. We appreciate your good work.
08:29First saw you on Full Frontal doing that Milo character.
08:43That's great.
08:46Everything's okay, though. No reason we should be worried.
08:50No, no, no. I'm just here to keep an eye on you.
08:52And provided you don't say anything too controversial, there'll be no arrests.
08:58Thank you, Tony.
09:00We shouldn't forget, though, the Prime Minister's advice when it comes to facing homegrown terrorism.
09:05Our best response is insouciantly to be fully Australian.
09:12Yes.
09:16Yes, insouciance is a very Australian quality.
09:21Isn't it, Francis?
09:22Yes.
09:23It's a very Australian quality as a cold-credits.
09:28Why, so, when the French translate the phrase MeToo, it becomes,
09:32...
09:33...
09:35...
09:36...
09:38...
09:39...
09:40...
09:41...
09:43...
09:45...
09:4612 hour address to the faithful. Mystery contents of those white trucks revealed to be Russian
09:52touring production of The Music Man. And Tony Abbott learns a lesson from the tent embassy
09:58in Canberra and opens a tent prime ministerial office in Arnhem Land.
10:04Yes, the country was being governed from Arnhem Land last week and it worked out pretty well
10:08too, which makes you think there might be something to this black armband view of history
10:11after all. Now, some politicians can look a little awkward when they're taken out of their
10:16Canberra comfort zone. Let's face it, a prime minister looks like a mannequin at Aussie disposals.
10:22And in my view, perhaps could have learned a lesson in fitting into the outback environment
10:25from our education minister, Christopher Pyne, who very much pulled off the man in the land.
10:30Look, very Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, that hat. Mr Pyne was leading the so-called
10:35truancy army up in Arnhem Land, going out into the community and encouraging children to attend school.
10:40And this idea of ministers going to the people and urging them to make use of the services
10:45their ministry offers is a great idea. It's only a matter of time before it spreads to other
10:49departments, as it did this week with the Minister for Health staff hitting the streets of Melbourne.
10:54Go to the doctors, you sick bastards. Do what? You could be infectious.
10:59But the week in Arnhem Land was worthwhile. At last, Indigenous Australians know when we'll
11:04decide whether they'll be recognised by the Constitution. And when I say we, I don't mean white people,
11:09I mean Australians of all colours, except black, obviously.
11:13Not that black people can't vote. I'm just assuming all of them would be voting yes.
11:18When I say them, I don't mean to suggest there's some difference between Aboriginals and myself.
11:22I'm just saying that I'm not Aboriginal. And when I say Aboriginal, I'm not meaning to exclude
11:27Torres Strait Islanders. Not that I'm a Torres Strait Islander either. I'm just trying to be inclusive.
11:33But not everybody is as comfortable with this topic as I am.
11:39Fellow semi-professional broadcaster and good friend Andrew Bolt is no fan of the recognised campaign.
11:46In fact, he's on record, albeit in his own column, as calling the campaign racist and that Qantas
11:52displaying the recognised logo is a bad idea.
11:55I don't want to fly Qantas thinking I'm going to be buying an argument about racial politics in this country.
12:01Andrew, let's face it, Qantas needs all the help it can get.
12:08You heard Alan Joyce. He says he's not going anywhere. And that means the planes aren't either.
12:13Anyway, even if you're right, Andrew, just because you're riding something with some advertising on it
12:18doesn't mean you agree with it. I arrived here tonight in this taxi.
12:22Does it mean that...
12:23Does it mean that I go to Flashdance's Gentleman's Club? No.
12:27It's a complete coincidence that I'm a member.
12:31And does everybody who travels in this bus watch Please Like Me?
12:34Of course they don't.
12:37Mind you, that's mainly because it's on ABC2.
12:41Bloody programmers.
12:43Speaking of which,
12:45it's time for a new segment
12:47where I complain about the media
12:49as a cover for settling some old scores.
12:55Yes, yes, Paul, I know.
12:57But what else can we call it?
12:58Well, try something that sounds like it.
13:00Well, what do you suggest?
13:01Really?
13:02All right.
13:03Cue new title.
13:11Don't even make any sense.
13:12Amateurish, unpopular,
13:15and by the end of next year,
13:16unable to be turned on.
13:18No, I'm not talking about
13:19the Minister for Communication, Malcolm Turnbull,
13:21but a decision he's made
13:22concerning community television.
13:24Mr Broadband has finally undertaken
13:26the media reform the whole industry
13:27has been calling for,
13:28the death of all community TV stations.
13:31Which is a great pity, in my view.
13:33A lot of us got our start there.
13:34I began my TV career
13:35there as a young man
13:38pulling cables for Hamish and Andy
13:40and supplying crack to Rove.
13:42They were too busy to do it themselves,
13:45and look at them now.
13:46Community television stations
13:48will no longer be broadcasting
13:49by December of 2015.
13:51The ABC will take a little longer
13:52to kill off, obviously.
13:54On the plus side,
13:55this does free up more bandwidth
13:57for a much-needed
13:58seventh shopping channel,
13:59and I'm certainly looking forward to that,
14:01because I've completely run out
14:02of spray-on Vaseline.
14:04LAUGHTER
14:04Crowd sponsors of news
14:06from countries that aren't Australia.
14:09Back to you, Sean.
14:10Well, all the ballot papers
14:12have been counted,
14:13and congratulations
14:14to the Fiji First Party
14:15on their victory.
14:16They won over 59% of the vote
14:18in their first democratic election,
14:21and this means
14:21returning as Prime Minister
14:23is Frank Banimarama.
14:25LAUGHTER
14:26LAUGHTER
14:26BANIMARAMA.
14:30LAUGHTER
14:30BANIMARAMA.
14:32BANIMARAMA.
14:33LAUGHTER
14:33Australia monitored the vote,
14:42and there was no suggestion
14:43there was anything untoward
14:44in the former military dictator
14:46being returned to power.
14:47It was a general election,
14:48and he was originally a general.
14:51LAUGHTER
14:52One issue has been at the heart
14:59of the Australian Labour Party's
15:00internal divisions
15:01for over 100 years.
15:03I arrived at the lodge at 10.30
15:05to find Bob, as usual,
15:06sunning himself beside the pool.
15:08LAUGHTER
15:08He used to often do this
15:10in the nude, of course.
15:11One issue has torn
15:13great friendships apart.
15:15Who's got the largest penis?
15:18LAUGHTER
15:18I did have a few things to say
15:21about...
15:22about midgets
15:25in their other parts.
15:25LAUGHTER
15:26Well, we know very little
15:28about Chifley's penis.
15:29He was always very protective of it.
15:32Billy Hughes was of average size,
15:35almost to the precise millimetre,
15:37and we know this
15:38because he was constantly
15:39measuring himself.
15:40LAUGHTER
15:41And always very interested
15:42in how others measured up, too.
15:45How would Bob Hawke's penis
15:47stack up against Kevin Rudd's?
15:49Kevin's massive.
15:51LAUGHTER
15:51LAUGHTER
15:52And what does the future hold
15:54for Australian Labour?
15:56I believe that Bill Shorten
15:58will be the next Labour
15:59Prime Minister of Australia
16:01and that he will have
16:02the largest penis since Federation.
16:04LAUGHTER
16:05Not just the usual backstabbing,
16:07it's Labour navel-gazing
16:08on a whole new level.
16:10Labour penises,
16:11coming soon to ABC.
16:13LAUGHTER
16:14Disgusting.
16:16LAUGHTER
16:17LAUGHTER
16:17Ask anyone who runs this country
16:21and they'll tell you
16:21it's the Abbott Trust government,
16:23specifically the titular heads
16:24of the two-party coalition,
16:26Tony Abbott and Warren Trust.
16:27And may I just say
16:28that these men
16:29are two of the biggest titular heads
16:31you could ever have to meet
16:32in Australia.
16:33But they don't hold the power,
16:34nor does anybody,
16:35in the House of So-Called Representatives.
16:37LAUGHTER
16:38No, it's the Senate
16:40who have the power of veto.
16:43Well, I...
16:44LAUGHTER
16:45I don't think that's fair.
16:46I don't think that's very fair at all.
16:48To the mafia, I mean.
16:49LAUGHTER
16:50That's much better.
16:51But, Sean, I hear you tweet
16:53the Senate is unrepresentative swill.
16:55They don't have a mandate
16:56to block the legislation
16:57a duly elected government
16:58have a mandate to pass.
16:59That's true.
17:00But ultimate power in the Senate
17:01is not held by
17:02the unrepresentative swill,
17:04but by the croutons floating in it.
17:06LAUGHTER
17:06So who are these croutons, really?
17:09Perhaps by getting to know them better,
17:11we can understand
17:11what it'll take
17:12to get them to relinquish
17:13their hold
17:14on the Senate nutsack.
17:16LAUGHTER
17:16Jackie...
17:16Jackie Lambie is...
17:18No, I don't think that's very fair.
17:20LAUGHTER
17:20I don't think it's fair at all
17:22to Jackie Lambie
17:23using a picture of someone,
17:24particularly with a gun,
17:25and not giving the context.
17:26It's irresponsible
17:27and it's stupid.
17:28LAUGHTER
17:29LAUGHTER
17:30And certainly something
17:32that we would not do
17:33on this programme.
17:34LAUGHTER
17:35Jackie Lambie is the most visible
17:38and, unfortunately,
17:39most audible
17:40of the crossbench warmers.
17:42She's shared many things with us.
17:43For example,
17:44the fact that she hasn't been
17:45in a relationship
17:46for 11 years now,
17:47even offering
17:48a little thumbnail sketch
17:49of the sort of man
17:50she might be looking for
17:52to share her hopes
17:52and dreams with.
17:53Must have heaps of cash
17:54and they've got to have
17:55a package between their legs.
17:57LAUGHTER
17:58LAUGHTER
17:58Well, Jackie,
18:01I do believe
18:02we've found just the man for you.
18:05Minister of Employment...
18:06LAUGHTER
18:07..Erica Betts
18:09said recently,
18:10that is why we have
18:11a special package
18:12for Tasmania
18:13at the last federal election.
18:14LAUGHTER
18:15Now, I...
18:16I don't know
18:17if Eric's special package
18:19is exactly what you're after, Jackie.
18:20This is the ABC after all,
18:22not eHarmony.
18:23But it's a start, I think.
18:25And, Eric,
18:26if you're watching,
18:26Jackie seems the real deal.
18:28She's a spontaneous,
18:29free spirit
18:29who says what she thinks,
18:30not what she's told to say.
18:32And she doesn't apologise for that.
18:33But I won't be scripted.
18:34I'm sorry.
18:35I just...
18:36I can't operate like that.
18:37Well, no apology necessary.
18:39I love that she answers to no-one.
18:40And if she does give answers,
18:41it's not according
18:42to some script
18:43she's been given.
18:44I think, um...
18:46when it comes to Joe Hockey
18:47and Tony Abbott,
18:49that, uh...
18:50I mean, truth be said,
18:51they're nothing less
18:52than a pair of deceitful,
18:53lying, um...
18:55political politicians.
18:57LAUGHTER
18:57She's dead to me, Eric.
19:00Delete her profile.
19:02LAUGHTER
19:02At some stage, of course,
19:03Jackie and her fellow croutons
19:05will have to be won over
19:06because, unfortunately,
19:07those in government
19:07find themselves still in a position
19:09of trying to sell a budget
19:10they couldn't give away
19:11if it was left out
19:11on a nature strip
19:12with a sign saying
19:13free to a good home.
19:15Our Treasurer, Joe Hockey...
19:16LAUGHTER
19:18Our Treasurer, Joe Hockey,
19:22has really been burning
19:23the cigar at both ends.
19:25In the lead-up
19:25to the blowing up
19:27of balloons
19:27for this year's
19:28G20 Financial Leaders Ball,
19:29he's been on a sort
19:30of national convincing tour
19:32to try and get it
19:33through the Senate.
19:34He and Christopher Pyne
19:35even sat down
19:36and shared a meal
19:37with Clive Palmer.
19:38Uh, they hadn't intended
19:39to share their meals,
19:40but that's just what happens
19:40when you eat with Clive,
19:42apparently.
19:43Anyway, it worked
19:44to a degree.
19:45For example,
19:46the government
19:46was finally able to...
19:48X the tax!
19:51One of the trade-offs
19:52with the Palmer
19:53United Party, though,
19:54was that in return
19:55for getting rid
19:55of the mining tax,
19:56which no-one
19:57was apparently paying anyway,
19:58our superannuation increases
19:59are also not to be paid
20:01as well.
20:02Now, this adds up
20:02to $128 billion
20:04over the next 10 years,
20:05but what happens
20:06to that money
20:07if it doesn't go
20:07into your super fund?
20:09The Prime Minister says...
20:10That money should stay
20:12in the pockets
20:13of the workers
20:13of Australia.
20:14Fair enough,
20:15but our Finance Minister,
20:16Matthias Cormann, however,
20:18says we should take it
20:19out of our pockets
20:19and spend it.
20:21But on what, exactly?
20:22They can use it
20:23to deal with
20:24cost of living expenses,
20:25or they can use it
20:26to pay off
20:26their mortgage fast,
20:27or they can use it
20:28to save more
20:29through a superannuation
20:30voluntarily.
20:31sound advice.
20:35It's no wonder
20:35he's Finance Minister.
20:37Doesn't this all
20:38presuppose that employers
20:39are going to pass
20:40on the frozen increase
20:41as extra wages?
20:42Spokesman for the Finance
20:43Minister,
20:44Darius Horsham.
20:45Sean, you're being
20:46an economic girly man.
20:48The government
20:49cannot be expected
20:50to regulate
20:51what employers do
20:52or don't do
20:53with your money.
20:54It's a free market,
20:55and the politicians
20:56shouldn't be interfering
20:57by winding red tape
20:59around our business owners,
21:00these job creators
21:02who were not
21:03for the old-fashioned notion
21:04that we should
21:05pay humans
21:07to do tasks
21:08that just could
21:08simply and easily
21:09be done by
21:10futuristic cyborgs
21:11who'd be making
21:12even more money
21:13than they are right now.
21:15But won't this
21:15put pressure
21:15on the public purse
21:16further down the track
21:17with increased reliance
21:18on the aged pension?
21:19The age of entitlement
21:20is over, Sean.
21:22A squirrel
21:23who puts nuts
21:24in a tree hole
21:25for the future,
21:27he doesn't get
21:27his nuts handed back
21:29to him by his employer.
21:30He has to climb the tree
21:31and then reach in
21:32and grab those nuts
21:34with his own clothes.
21:36Plus,
21:37squirrels working
21:38in the future
21:38will have to work
21:39even longer
21:40until they allow
21:41access to the nuts anyway.
21:45Thank you, Darius.
21:46Fantastic.
21:49And the advancing
21:50age of our retirees
21:53is something not lost
21:54on Mr. Palmer,
21:55who justified
21:55his party's stance
21:56on the freezing
21:57of superannuation
21:58by pointing out
21:59that over 50%
22:00of Australians
22:01will be dead
22:02by the time
22:02they get access
22:03to their super.
22:05Well, that's a thing,
22:06apparently.
22:08Dead people
22:09accessing their super.
22:10And Mr. Palmer
22:11wants zombies like this
22:12to survive on less?
22:14What about their quality
22:15of living death?
22:17And what about
22:18the rest of the budget
22:19and the rest
22:19of the Palmer United Party,
22:21who aren't as easy
22:21to win over as Clive,
22:23which brings us back,
22:24unfortunately,
22:25to senators
22:25like Jackie Lambie again?
22:27I suspect she's not
22:28going to be satisfied
22:29with half a kebab
22:30from Christopher Pyne.
22:31In fact,
22:32let's be honest,
22:33she's not too keen
22:34on anyone from the government,
22:35having once described them
22:36as gutless sycophants
22:38led by uncaring psychopaths.
22:41Now,
22:41gutless sycophants,
22:43sure,
22:44they'd admit that themselves,
22:45but uncaring psychopaths?
22:48Uncaring, maybe.
22:49Yeah, okay.
22:49But psychopaths?
22:57Well,
22:58she might be
22:58onto something there.
22:59Anyway,
23:00my point is that
23:01given the difficulties
23:02this budget has created
23:03for everybody,
23:03I think for the next one,
23:04Mr. Hockey needs
23:05to get some advice.
23:07Maybe the people
23:07at my budget.
23:08Listen to Tammy's testimonial.
23:11It could just as easily
23:12be our treasurer speaking.
23:15Because I didn't know
23:16how to budget money properly,
23:17I never could save up
23:19enough money
23:19to do the big things.
23:21Once I joined my budget,
23:23all my debts
23:24were under control
23:25and I was actually
23:26saving more money.
23:28So, Mr. Hockey
23:29and Mr. Cormann,
23:30I urge you,
23:31please give my budget a go
23:32because...
23:34My budget are experts
23:35at getting people
23:36out of debt
23:36and saving again.
23:38Our caring
23:38and understanding staff
23:40are always ready
23:40to help you.
23:42Of course,
23:43all the budget cuts
23:44and compromises
23:45make it that much harder
23:46for the Prime Minister
23:47to justify his flagship
23:48paid parental leave scheme.
23:50Although, to be fair,
23:51he is now explaining
23:52why we need to keep
23:53women in the workforce.
23:54If we can get
23:55female participation
23:56up to the levels
23:57in Canada,
23:59our economy would be
24:00up to $40 billion
24:01a year,
24:02bigger and stronger.
24:04And if we can get
24:05female participation
24:06in Federal Cabinet
24:07up to the levels
24:07in Afghanistan,
24:09i.e. three,
24:12that would be
24:12a three-fold increase.
24:14Still baby steps,
24:15baby steps.
24:17Well, we've spoken
24:18tonight to a number
24:19of experts
24:19on a number of topics,
24:20but what do you
24:21at home who don't
24:22really know anything
24:22think?
24:23And about what?
24:25Caspar Jonquill
24:26listens to 2UE,
24:273OW and the voices
24:28in his head.
24:29Caspar,
24:29what do you reckon?
24:31I think it's disgusting
24:32people are saying
24:32our anti-terrorism
24:33legislation is racist.
24:35I told Mrs Habib
24:35next door,
24:36it's got nothing
24:36to do with race,
24:37it's your bloody
24:37religion that's the
24:38problem.
24:39And I don't like
24:40those new iWatches,
24:41you can't even use
24:41them as a mobile phone.
24:43I faxed a tweet
24:43to Bill Gates telling
24:44him,
24:44but he said,
24:44oh,
24:45it's got nothing
24:45to do with me.
24:46Fascinating.
24:47When I was their age,
24:47I didn't pay to go
24:48to university so they
24:49could walk around
24:50in their hipster beards
24:50and charge me $12
24:51for a coffee that keeps
24:52me up half the night
24:53because he's barking
24:54all day long.
24:55It's like what that
24:55young couple down
24:56the road say when
24:57I can hear them
24:57through the cavity
24:58in their wall I'm
24:58hiding in.
24:59Maybe we should call
25:00the police again,
25:00they say.
25:01Well,
25:01thank you.
25:02Why should I submit
25:02to a six-month waiting
25:03period before I'm
25:04eligible for Newstart?
25:05I have no experience
25:06in the hospitality
25:07industry and no
25:08interest in standing
25:08around regurgitating
25:09whatever the fish
25:10of the day is.
25:11What do I look like?
25:11A pelican.
25:12Very much for your type.
25:13Personally,
25:13I wouldn't hire me
25:14if you paid me.
25:15One look at my CV,
25:16I'd be saying,
25:16why is this piece of
25:17paper blank?
25:18And why is it A3 size?
25:19Why is there a drawing
25:20of a lion on the back?
25:21Bloody Catholic Church.
25:26World War III may have
25:27just begun,
25:28but we are this year
25:29celebrating the one
25:30that started the franchise.
25:31World War I is 100 years old.
25:34And while Anzac Day
25:35is a year younger,
25:36it's not about to let
25:37its oldest sibling
25:38have all the fun,
25:39at least according
25:40to the wisdom of the elders.
25:51Well, Bill,
25:57the 100th anniversary
25:59of the Gallipoli campaign
26:01is just around.
26:02You are one of only
26:033,000 Australians
26:04fortunate enough
26:05to be going.
26:06Well, yes,
26:06I put my name down
26:07in the drawer
26:08on the last day,
26:09I think it was,
26:09and a couple of weeks later
26:10I received 14 tickets
26:12in the mail.
26:1314?
26:14Well, that's very fortunate.
26:15Yes, yes, yes,
26:15I thought so too.
26:16I imagine there'll be
26:17some very grateful friends
26:18and rallies going along with you.
26:20No, it'll just be me,
26:21but I think it'll be handy
26:22having the additional tickets
26:24because the dawn service
26:25is very early,
26:26too early really
26:27if you ask me,
26:28and I'll be able to use
26:28some of the extra seats
26:30to lie down on
26:31and have a sleep.
26:32Extra space to put the shopping
26:34and the crisps
26:35and that sort of thing.
26:36Your grandfather
26:37fought in the Great War,
26:38aren't you?
26:39Yes, yes, he did.
26:40I never knew him, of course,
26:41but my grandmother
26:42would show me photographs
26:44of him and she said
26:45he went over the top
26:46and I think she's right.
26:47See here, there,
26:48all those feathers
26:49and the medals
26:50and the sword there.
26:51It's not exactly
26:52understated, is it?
26:53He was an officer?
26:55Yes, he was an admiral
26:56in the Air Force.
26:58I'm fairly sure
26:59that Gallipoli
26:59was an infantry campaign.
27:01No, well,
27:02he was in charge
27:03of dumping the horses
27:04into the sea
27:04and yelling at them
27:05to swim to shore.
27:07Why didn't the ships
27:08just take them
27:08all the way to the beach?
27:09No, no,
27:09these wasn't in the ships.
27:11No, no,
27:11these were indirigibles.
27:12It was done
27:13as humanely as possible.
27:14He would coax them out
27:15by throwing a cube of sugar
27:17from the window
27:17and yelling at them,
27:19fetch!
27:21You fought yourself,
27:22I understand.
27:23Ah, well,
27:24don't we all
27:24in some small way?
27:26Such is the duality of man
27:27that Rene Descartes
27:28writes so beautifully on.
27:29No, you fought
27:30in the Second World War.
27:31Oh, yes, yes,
27:32I did that, yes.
27:33You know,
27:34I still have my old uniform
27:36if you would like to see it.
27:37Oh, I'd be delighted.
27:38Ah, follow me, won't you?
27:40Eh?
27:41There we go.
27:43Still fits like a glove,
27:44what do you think?
27:45It's a Japanese uniform.
27:47Is it?
27:48Oh, no wonder
27:49they won't let me march
27:50in the Anzac Day Parade.
27:54Still to come.
27:56A new cabinet for Tony Abbott
27:58or just a side table.
28:00Outrageous member of Ukraine's
28:02former pro-Russian parliament
28:03put in general waste
28:05instead of recycling.
28:07And fish filled with heroin
28:08and crystal meth
28:09explains my craving for seafood.
28:14Well, to take us out tonight
28:16a piece from the end-of-year concert
28:18put on by the clockwork satirists,
28:20a very clever bunch of students
28:21studying politics
28:22at the Box Hill Institute of TAFE.
28:25Here's their take
28:26on what's happening
28:27in the world
28:27at the moment.
28:29Enjoy.
28:41I'm sorry, I'm sorry,
28:45I'm sorry.
28:45We're going to have to
28:46leave it there
28:47because it's a comedy song
28:49and I hate them.
28:51Good night.
28:53Jive, baby.
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