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00:01It's no use crying, Charlotte.
00:05Look, you're into me for a grand, so just get on the plane and pick up the shipment.
00:10There's a good girl.
00:13The government this week revealed who would be the next governor of the Bank of England.
00:18They say it's someone well-versed in exercising tight fiscal policy.
00:22Yes, that's right. It's me, David Dickinson.
00:26Now, I'm going to be giving Gordon Brown and his red team £20 billion to spend.
00:32Now, I suspect that, like my usual bargain hunters, he'll just waste it on a load of worthless tat.
00:38Crumbling schools, decrepit hospitals and the bill for Robin Cook's face-off operation.
00:45That could well be a duffer.
00:56Dead ringers.
01:09One love for the city streets, one love for the hip-hop beats.
01:12One love is all we need.
01:14More on that story later.
01:17The government has been accused of putting the stability of the economy at risk with its plans to borrow £20 billion.
01:24I'm joined by the Prime Minister, Mr Tony Blair.
01:27Well, you know, nothing could be further from the truth, Kirsty.
01:30Empty pockets, hand gesture, newspapers in shoes, forehead.
01:33Buy a copy of the big issue face.
01:35Mr Blair, isn't this just dodgy economics?
01:38Well, not at all. The loan is completely sound, as bullet-toothed Tony and bone-crusher Billy will be happy to confirm I was there slumped in front of the television at two in the morning when their advert came on.
01:50And I say, if you cannot trust a company whose advertisement features Jim Davidson in a car showroom being showered with fake money, then frankly, who can you trust?
01:59But, Prime Minister, can you tell me why you've put the country in hock to Direct Credit Finance International rather than the Bank of England?
02:08Well, you don't get a free pen from the Bank of England, do you? Look, genuine gold-painted plastic.
02:13So there were no strings attached to this loan?
02:16All they wanted was a 20% daily interest rate charge and a member of the Cabinet as collateral, which we felt was reasonable.
02:24Claire Short, are you happy about this?
02:26Well, actually, Kirsty, I'm not being treated too badly here.
02:31Admittedly, they keep trying to force a grimy handkerchief into my mouth to stop my plaintive cries.
02:39But luckily, my jaws are already so firmly clenched together they haven't been able to manage it.
02:47So how do you feel about being used as collateral?
02:51Oh, I'm not. This is just my office in Westminster.
02:55They've kept me like this ever since I started mouthing off about the war.
03:01You see, Kirsty, they took John Prescott as collateral and they've made it extremely clear that if we miss even one single payment,
03:08they're going to chop off one of his incomprehensible sentences and send it to me in the post.
03:12I'm Judy Dench and I want to tell you about a group of people in our society who are suffering the most appalling cruelty and torture and being made to do work for which they are simply unfit.
03:24Give just £2 a month and you can help England cricketers like this poor chap find more dignified employment as a sewer attendant or a clown.
03:36So please help us stop this cruelty by calling us now or by punching that smug Aussie Shane Warne in his big fat face.
03:47G'day and welcome to the world's most dangerous animals with me, Steve Irwin, a cross between David Attenborough and a cheeseburger.
03:54You've seen me tackle ferocious man-eating crocs and take on deadly poisonous snakes.
04:01But today I'm facing my most dangerous adventure yet.
04:05Yeah, I'm going to buy a bag of grapes from Tesco's.
04:11Danger, danger, danger.
04:13Don't get too close.
04:14But there's something even more stomach-churningly grisly you can see in Tesco's.
04:20Yeah, Jane Horrocks and Prunella scales.
04:23Yeah, just one side of that advert and you'll be stunned into a coma quicker than if you'd taken a full-on bite off a cobra.
04:30Woo, danger.
04:36Morning.
04:38Professor Ryan, this body was brought in about an hour ago.
04:41I can tell just from glancing that this is a woman, 35 years old.
04:49She was probably called Amy or Sarah, worked in a shoe shop, preferred friends to coupling.
04:58Poor girl was murdered by an evil psychopath with red hair and a mole on his left cheek.
05:04Um, actually the police found this wallet with the body.
05:13His name's Simon Jones.
05:16The 28-year-old company director from Bath.
05:20Died in a road accident.
05:22So you were completely wrong.
05:25Wrong?
05:26Oh, no, I'm never wrong.
05:29I'm Professor Sam Ryan and I'm right.
05:32I'm always right.
05:34I'm righter than Mr Byright.
05:36Look at the smile.
05:38The glimmering smile that reveals the truth within.
05:40But...
05:42The smile. Concentrate on the smile.
05:44He's got a beard.
05:46The smile. The glimmering smile.
05:48Oh, now you've explained it to me in glimmering smile form. I see you were right all along.
05:54Simon Jones was a young, single woman who was stabbed to death in a fit of rage by a psychopathic loner.
06:01Her husband's waiting outside, in a blouse and skirt.
06:07Do you want to break the knees?
06:10No. You do it.
06:13I'm going to stay here.
06:15Find my most flattering camera angle and stir mournfully into middle distance for an improbably long time until the credits roll.
06:29Listen, I want those extra club card points.
06:32Well, next time it'll be more than spiders in your grapes.
06:35The lowest paid NHS nurses and care workers have been offered a 12% pay rise by the government.
06:43With the incentive of even more cash for those prepared to learn new skills.
06:47Like firefighting.
06:49G'day.
06:51And welcome to a new series of Rolf on Art.
06:54You know, there's a lot of nonsense gets talked about art.
06:57So I thought I'd have a little guy meself.
07:00This week, we're going to be looking at the great Pablo Picasso's most famous painting.
07:03The woman in a hat.
07:06As you can see, she's in a bad way.
07:09But luckily, she'll be in safe hands here with Trude Moss True and the rest of the vets.
07:15They're not too sure how she ended up with both eyes on the same side of her head and her nose where her ears should be.
07:22But they think she may well have been run over by a drunken swagman.
07:25Let's just hope the woman in the hat can make it through the night.
07:33This is Gordon, her owner. Gordon, I'm sure you can't put a price on how much she means to you.
07:40Well, yes, I can. Three million pounds, that's what I paid for her.
07:44Well, imagine how much she's worth now that we've patched her up a little bit.
07:48You and Jeopardy and Philistine!
07:54I'll let you know how I'll get on.
07:57You bastard!
07:59You know, that woman in a hat doesn't seem quite so weird to me anymore.
08:04Can you guess what side of me face me nose is on yet?
08:24So I just needed some garments for a female associate of mine and I wondered if you could help me.
08:28Is it a bit casual or something more dressy?
08:30Something casual.
08:31Something casual.
08:32With a zip up the front.
08:34Oh, something with a zip up the front.
08:35That might be difficult to get on. She is a little large.
08:37Oh, okay. Well, this one we just got in today.
08:39Yes.
08:40That's new.
08:41That might work.
08:42Yeah, these ones are always quite popular as well because they're warmer.
08:45So she can have them undone.
08:47Yes. Are they all right for cold-blooded beings?
08:50As she thinks so, yeah?
08:53Oh, good, good, good.
08:55What is this made of?
08:57Because she has very sensitive skin.
09:00Skin that has to be kept moist the whole time, otherwise it sheds very vigorously.
09:05But that would be all right for that, would it?
09:07I guess so, yeah.
09:08Good. I will bring my friends with me.
09:10Keep those things to one side.
09:11Okay.
09:12Thank you, that's very helpful of you.
09:13No problem.
09:14I'll be back.
09:15I don't have much time.
09:21Hello, and welcome to my interminable cookery programme.
09:25This week we're going to be concentrating on chicken.
09:28Now, firstly, you'll need a chicken.
09:30Yeah, okay.
09:31Cut there.
09:32Delia, do you remember what we discussed?
09:34Yes.
09:35Yes.
09:36You said that cookery had come on a bit since I started in the 18th century.
09:40Yeah, exactly.
09:41So we were going to do something a little bit more dangerous with it, weren't we?
09:44Yes.
09:45Cranberries?
09:46No.
09:48Do you remember we talked about a gimmick?
09:50Oh, yes.
09:51Yes, yes.
09:52Nigella has the sexy thing.
09:54Yeah.
09:55Worrell Thompson has the beardy thing.
09:56Jamie Oliver has the being a git thing.
10:00I'll try sexy.
10:01Great.
10:02Great.
10:03Raunchy.
10:04Okay.
10:05Make that chicken sexy.
10:10This week we're concentrating on chicken.
10:13It's got a bra and panties.
10:17Oh.
10:19That was so much.
10:24Welcome to 999.
10:25You've been framed with first aid advice.
10:28Tonight we tell the story of a terrible accident which could have been so easily avoided.
10:32And it happened here, in this television studio.
10:35Good evening and welcome to Fame Academy.
10:37I'm Patrick Kildee.
10:38Luke, I'm Irish, I've got spiky hair, so in theory I should be as lovable and funny as Graham Norton.
10:44So much for theories.
10:45And I'm Kat Dean, Top Pop Toppy Coloured Totten.
10:48Later tonight you'll be seeing tears and disappointment when my agent tells me that Cedar UK won't have me back after this carnage finishes.
10:58Tonight we've got 12 contestants, 3 judges, 2 viewers.
11:04The BBC tried to ape Pop Idol but at that very moment the entire nation realised that it needed yet another manufactured pop star about as much as Rick Waller needs second helpings.
11:14This man witnessed the scene.
11:17I was at home one Friday night minding me own business when suddenly it came on the telly.
11:23I knew I'd have to do something quickly or else, or else I'd have to watch it.
11:28Sensibly, Johnny didn't panic, he'd just tried to change channels.
11:32But then disaster struck.
11:34The remote control was over on the other side of the room and he couldn't be arsed standing up.
11:39He dialed 999, only to discover he'd mistakenly got the Fame Academy elimination hotline.
11:45So I tried kicking out the talentless, rubbish one, but it can't have worked.
11:50No, because the very next week Patrick Keelter was still hosting the show.
11:56Next week we look at yet another man-made disaster.
11:59Ulrika Johnson's Mr Right.
12:01Could it possibly have been avoided?
12:05Hello, I'm Kirsty Wark.
12:07I never get first grade, don't support the team, can't take direction and my socks are never clean.
12:13More on that story later.
12:15It's been revealed that parts of reality TV show The Osbournes are faked.
12:20We're joined by coke-addled Nana Muscuri lookalike, Ozzy Osbourne.
12:26Eh?
12:31Yeah, it's true Kirsty, you know, we faked a lot of stuff over the years, you know.
12:35That picture of like Bigfoot in the woods, that was me still pissed trying to find me hotel at half past six in the morning.
12:41Yeah, the Loch Ness Monster, that was just Kelly having a swim, I think.
12:47The next thing we know, it's 1969 and we've got Robert Kennedy on the f***ing phone talking about the Russians winning the space race.
12:54So we agreed to fake the moon landings for him.
13:04Jack, will you stop waving that f***ing flag around? They haven't got wind on the f***ing moon, mate.
13:08If you look very closely, you can tell the footage was fake because the shadows on the rocks are the wrong way around.
13:17I thought this was the sea of f***ing tranquillity.
13:22Houston, we have a problem. Me family are f***ing nuts.
13:26Ozzy, Ozzy, look what I found. Can we keep him?
13:29Sharon, you're not taking in any more f***ing strays, you know what I mean?
13:33I'm not having that thing pissing and shitting and exhaling f***ing ammonia all over the living room.
13:38You take in one alien, the next thing we'll have a whole invasion fleet from f***ing Mars on the doorstep.
13:44But Ozzy, the chances of me adopting anything from Mars are a million to one.
13:49Maybe, but still they f***ing come, you know what I mean?
13:53So, presumably you slowed down the footage there to simulate weightlessness.
13:58No, just still pissed.
14:01Ozzy Osbourne, news at ten, hammered.
14:04Thank you very much.
14:08So, this way.
14:12After your long hibernation, across here.
14:17Come on now.
14:27Now then, Shiba, I picked out this one for you.
14:30No, no, no, this one here.
14:31Can we get it from downstairs?
14:33Yes, in a 16?
14:34That's actually the biggest we've got, but they do come up quite big.
14:40Yes, I think those would be very good. Would you like those?
14:43I think that would help you to blend in.
14:45Don't you think?
14:47Yes.
14:48And this?
14:50Now this is fine for sensitive skin, isn't it?
14:52Yes.
14:53What about very scaly reptilian skin?
14:55Erm...
14:56I'm guessing it would probably be fine.
14:58Really?
15:00Can we try them?
15:01Yes, you can.
15:02Yes, good. There you go, Shiba.
15:04Which capsule will do for her?
15:06Anyone you like.
15:07Oh, you might as well have this one here.
15:09No, the curtain is malfunctioning.
15:11Go in there.
15:13Try them on in the cardigan.
15:15And we shall rehabilitate you back into Earth.
15:19It's very good, you know.
15:20It's not the usual kind of customer.
15:22Normally, they smell much worse.
15:24Don't you say, not your normal sort of customer?
15:26No, not really.
15:28What you normally get, ice worries, or...?
15:31No.
15:32Come in, my dear, come in.
15:34Don't go in that one there.
15:35It's just being occupied by a reptile at the moment.
15:37OK.
15:39Are you getting on, Shiba?
15:41I was having a bit of a problem getting this fabric over the scales.
15:44Oh, OK.
15:50Erm...
15:52I think a skirt would be a lot easier to put on the one.
15:54Yes, it would.
15:55Yeah.
15:56Could you fetch me a skirt?
15:57I can get you a skirt, no problem.
15:58Yes, go and fetch a skirt.
15:59That'd be, er...
16:00Oh, my God!
16:01It's beautiful.
16:02Sit.
16:03Right, put it down.
16:04And the other.
16:12Here, I'll just grab my stick to me and take a look.
16:14What do you think?
16:16I think that's quite good.
16:17I think the pink helps to soften the, er...
16:19the scaly skin, and, erm...
16:21Well, that's very good.
16:22I think we'll take those, actually.
16:23Yeah.
16:24OK, thank you, my dear.
16:25Thank you for the show.
16:26Lindsay, you've been so kind.
16:27Thank you very much.
16:28Would you like to travel with me?
16:29I don't want to.
16:30Let's go to Florana.
16:33Yes, this week, the pre-budget report is the talk of Westminster.
16:37But that's no use to us, because Question Time will be coming from some God-forsaken place in the middle of nowhere.
16:44The audience will all be in green wellies, and the only guest willing to make the trek will be a liberal Democrat MEP you've never heard of, a rent-a-quote lonely right-winger like Peter Hitchens, and, worst of all, Jim Davidson.
16:57I expect incomprehensible shouting aplenty about fiscal policy from an audience every bit as freakish as Gordon Brown himself, and lots of embarrassing moments as I try to work out whether the person with their hand up is a man or a woman.
17:12Of course, I can't wait to get back to London, safe in the knowledge that, as it's a cold winter, someone famous is bound to die again soon.
17:20I do so love hosting a good funeral.
17:25Michael?
17:26Well, this was brought in for you about an hour ago. Still warm.
17:30Just from merely glancing, I can tell that this was a 43-year-old male who lived alone in a three-bedroom semi in Surrey, holidayed in the south of France, had a West Highland Terrier called Snowflake, and was killed by two shots to the back of the head.
17:48No, you're wrong.
17:50It's your lunch.
17:52It's a toasted bagel with chicken avocado and sweet corn.
17:58Oh, the humanity.
18:02I'm Mark Lawson, Britain's brainiest potato. Welcome to Late Review.
18:07Desperate to revive a flagging film career, Arnold Schwarzenegger returns to our screens next month.
18:11Arnie says he was attracted to this film script because of its sensitive exploration of themes such as loss, betrayal and separation.
18:19Here's a clip from blowing up lots and lots of bad guys with my huge gun.
18:24We're trapped.
18:26There's no way we can escape from here.
18:29Don't worry, talking black body. You might not make it to the final touch.
18:33I am much victorious.
18:34I think the coast is clear.
18:48Don't count on it, muscle-bound hero!
18:51You thought I was busy filming another 58 Lord of the Rings movies in New Zealand.
18:56But you are wrong.
18:57I am here!
18:59Ian McKellen.
19:00A.K.A.
19:01Dr. Death.
19:03Oh, no. You are so evil and calculating and cold in the way only a classically trained British actor can be.
19:09You are my nemesis.
19:11Don't be so sure about that.
19:14It's Anna Rickman, my sworn enemy at every audition.
19:18This is even worse nightmare than the world ending in exactly 52 minutes.
19:23I double booked my token British bad guys.
19:26This cardboard cutout baddie role has to be mine.
19:28Stephen Burkoff's washing his hair.
19:32Anthony Hopkins is sick.
19:34Christopher Lee's on holiday.
19:36And Kenneth Branagh wasn't even told whether your auditions were being here.
19:40You can't thwart me, McKellen.
19:43I'll get your supervillain role.
19:45Not when there's some delicious eye-rolling to do.
19:49You'll never get my bad guy role.
19:50Not if my miniature cannon has anything to do with it.
19:55That's too bad.
19:58Because you're about to be blown to smithereens by my futuristic cannon stroke laser device.
20:05This is awful. I need a talking British bad guy to save the world from.
20:24In case of talking British bad guys killing each other, break less.
20:28Hello! I'm Brian Blessey!
20:39My name is Greg Dyke.
20:40And I am Director General of the BBC.
20:44Yeah, and that was me on Parky on Saturday.
20:47Bring back Play School.
20:49No way, Humpty Dumpty.
20:51No one falls off a wall unless I push him.
20:53People often come up to me in the street and they say,
20:55Greg, why are so many BBC game shows aggressive?
20:58And then they say to me,
20:59Ow! Why did you hit me?
21:01And then they say,
21:02Please stop kicking me, please!
21:04And then they say,
21:05Someone call the police!
21:06He's out of his bleeding mind!
21:09And that's when I say to them,
21:10I've no idea why BBC game shows are so aggressive.
21:13But there's one thing I do know.
21:14If you don't stop bleeding all over my Gucci loafers,
21:17you're going to get me angry.
21:18And you don't want to see me angry!
21:21Oh, yeah, Tom!
21:23I thought one of those banana fritters was for me!
21:27Right, Delia, you just act as normal, OK?
21:29And we'll try and sexy you up a little bit with the camera, OK?
21:33Very well.
21:34And action!
21:36Go away! Get off! I'm trying to cook!
21:39Make love to the camera, Delia!
21:41I shall not! I rarely make love to my husband!
21:43Would you please go away?
21:45Come on, Delia, do something sexy. Love the eggs!
21:47I shall not!
21:48Love the eggs!
21:49Go away!
21:50Come on, sexy cells!
21:52You shift more of your lovely books, you know!
21:54Oh, for goodness sake, all right, then.
22:03What's that?
22:05Well, it's a start.
22:07I feel like a whore.
22:10Seriously, Mama, CBE'll do fine.
22:13After all, it was only one lousy florist shop.
22:18The organisers of this week's gala star-studied concert
22:20to remember George Harrison say it was such a success
22:23that next week they plan another one
22:25to try and remember who Ringo Starr was.
22:30Please welcome Brian!
22:32Thank you very much indeed.
22:33If one was to ask the question, name one of the great composers.
22:46Undoubtedly, one would hear names such as Mozart, Tchaikovsky and Beethoven in the replies.
22:53But there are a number of sadly forgotten great composers.
23:00One of these lived in the early part of the 16th century.
23:05He was a deeply spiritual, studious and religious man, the Benedictine monk.
23:12One of his works in particular was written in the early 16th century.
23:17It's a little known piece, but it may sound a little bit like this.
23:23I am the sexiest manager maker, and the girls love me, and I will never go cold.
23:36Rough rider, I am the sexiest manager maker, and I will never go cold.
23:48And the girls love me, and I will never go cold.
23:51And the Archdeacon, and I will never go cold.
23:53And the Archdeacon, and I will never go cold.
23:58For which the Archdeacon was best known.
24:03Hello, what is your name?
24:04Pauline.
24:05Pauline, what have you learnt from what we have demonstrated this evening?
24:11This is not for your entertainment.
24:15What have you learnt from this evening?
24:17That we can all make fools of ourselves.
24:22Thank you for being here this evening.
24:25For me, the pleasure has been moderate.
24:29But I thank you for that nevertheless.
24:35Mama, I never meant to hurt you.
24:37I never meant to make you cry.
24:38But tonight, I'm cleaning out my closet.
24:41More on that story later.
24:42David Beckham has been forced to deny frenzied but baseless rumours from the internet.
24:47I'm joined by David Beckham's England manager, Sven Jorn Eriksson.
24:52Hello, Kirsty.
24:53Now, first of all, Mr. Eriksson, you'll want to confirm that these rumours are completely baseless.
24:58Yes, they are really not accurate words and words of any sort are merely flimsy chaff cast into the tempestuous gale of this life.
25:11Why do you think such rumours attach themselves to David Beckham?
25:13I don't know.
25:14It is foolish.
25:16I, on the other hand, have many rumours about me.
25:20For example, there is a rumour that I am cool and unemotional.
25:24But in the bedroom, I am a randy son of a bitch.
25:28Show me a bit of skirt and I am up it like a rat up a drain pipe.
25:32Well, perhaps that's a discussion for another time.
25:35But do you think David Beckham will now have to withdraw from the public eye?
25:39No, it is his way. He adores publicity like a dung beetle craves faeces.
25:45For me, the press is ridiculous.
25:48They are like catflies buzzing around the bloated heifer's rump of football management.
25:53And I think sometimes I should prefer to live atop a tall pillar in the Kalaharvi Desert,
25:59wearing a loincloth of moss and eating only cereal and wasps.
26:04Whale, people of Babylon. Whale.
26:06Whale.
26:11Mr. Eickson, thank you.
26:13And I thought Andrew Marr was weird.
26:15Later tonight, here on BBC Four, we have a change to our scheduled film.
26:21In place of Jean Renoir's 1959 French classic Le Déjeuner sur l'herbe,
26:24we'll be screening Porky's Five, Horny Babes in Bikinis.
26:29No, we won't really, sorry, but I had to wake you up somehow, didn't I?
26:34Time for bed now. See you tomorrow.
26:37American comedies have always attracted British actors, but now it's the turn of drama to pull hot UK talent.
26:44Here's a clip from the new series of Sex and the City.
26:46Hey, this is a fantastic first date. I gotta go fresh enough. You stay hot. I've got plans for later.
26:55I'll be right here, baby.
27:00It's me. I think I'm on for tonight.
27:03Oh, hello, hello. Is it that well-hug-yug stood we met at the Gallerio?
27:07Yes, Thora. That woman gave Gloria Hunniford her first multiple orgasms using only his tongue.
27:12He went at her like a bulldog eating porridge. I think I'm in for a good night.
27:17Tell me, are you wearing your Gucci corselette?
27:20Yes, I'm my peekaboo Prada support hose. And if he's half as horny as that hotshot lawyer you pulled last night,
27:26I shouldn't be able to walk for a fortnight.
27:29Oh, I've seen that lawyer again tonight. I'm going to debrief him in the shower.
27:33He's got buns like rock cakes.
27:38So, are we ready to go?
27:39I can't wait, you big sexy beast.
27:43Great. There's a bring and buy sale in the Bronx. I thought we could pick up some bargains.
27:48Oh. Oh, well, maybe you can flick me off on the way.
27:52This is ITV1. Move along. Nothing to see here.
27:56I don't know how she got out of the jungle. Just find her and finish the job.
28:09I don't know how she got out of the jungle. Just find her and finish the job.
28:22A leading plastic surgeon claims that the techniques needed to conduct face transplants are already in place.
28:32Peter Butler believes that it would be possible to graft the entire face of one person to another.
28:36But this has led to fears that people will start to change their faces willy-nilly.
28:41And indeed, the first person to do so is me, Michael Burke.
28:45AKA the Prince of Darkness.
28:48I just want it to look a bit less freaky for a change.
28:50He's a great change.
28:51This has been a great change.
29:03.
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