- 5 months ago
Sam
Category
š„
Short filmTranscript
00:00Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep.
00:04Beep.
00:11Hallucination.
00:13Hallucination.
00:15Excuse me.
00:24Tea?
00:25Got anything stronger?
00:27Oh, it's strong tea. It's a special blend.
00:30Good?
00:35Yeah.
00:36A good-looking young man like you must have a girlfriend.
00:39Whenever I want.
00:40You're not very fond of the female of the species, are you?
00:43Good for one thing, and one thing only.
00:46Women are God's gift to the world, son.
00:49I guess he forgot to give me my present.
00:52Oh my God.
01:07Shit.
01:11Shit!
01:14Hi, can I help you?
01:15Where's Doc?
01:16I'm sorry, who are you here to see?
01:18Doc?
01:19Dr. Andrew Bellamy, OBGYN, it says it right there on the door.
01:22Well, Dr. Bellamy's with a patient right now.
01:24Okay, well I need to see him.
01:26Now.
01:27Okay, young lady, please calm yourself down.
01:29Yes, please.
01:31Oh, mind your own business, Miss STD!
01:34Okay, you know what?
01:36I will set up an appointment for you.
01:37Hey!
01:39Don't mess with me, bitch!
01:48Doc?
01:49Look what fucking happened to me, dude!
01:51Look at me!
01:52Miss, please, I am in the middle of an examination here.
01:55Would you tell Trashmouth Sally here to wait her turn?
01:59Oh, shut the hell up, lady!
02:01Doc, you got-
02:02Miss, if you do not behave, I will call security.
02:04Angie, that won't be necessary.
02:06Help me with Miss Goldfarb here.
02:08We're gonna move you to another room.
02:09Thank you, Dr. and Angie.
02:10What a yuck!
02:11No!
02:12Angie, I won't be long.
02:15Doc, I don't know what happened, man.
02:17I woke up this morning and I'm a fucking broad!
02:19Okay, there are a lot of psychologists' office in the building.
02:23Are you sure you didn't walk into the wrong one?
02:25Doc, you gotta believe me.
02:26I feel like I'm in this, like, this nightmare.
02:28Like, I just keep waiting to wake up!
02:31Dude!
02:32It's me!
02:33It's Sam!
02:34Women are demented.
02:35They babble incoherently.
02:37They cry at the drop of a hat.
02:39To me, those are two major symptoms of crazy.
02:41Another Sam Wellman expert opinion on women.
02:43Damn straight.
02:44There ain't a female on this planet that I can't figure out in a minute flat.
02:47It's about time you found yourself a nice woman and you settled down, huh?
02:52Like you and Cynthia?
02:54Don't go there.
02:55Is there a model in Milan, New York, Paris you haven't banged yet?
03:00I got a hot one tonight, Doc.
03:03Sam.
03:04Sam!
03:05Sam Wellman, your best friend!
03:08Okay, very good.
03:10How much is he paying you?
03:12Ask me something.
03:13Ask me anything.
03:14Oh!
03:15You were nine years old.
03:16You showed it to Lauren Abramsky.
03:18She kicked you in the nuts.
03:19You told your mom you fell off the swing.
03:20He told you that?
03:21I was there, dude.
03:22I practically carried you home.
03:24Is there anything that prick didn't tell you?
03:26I am that prick!
03:28Oh!
03:32DNA!
03:33Miss, please put down the scissors.
03:35Doc, DNA.
03:37DNA, get a DNA test done.
03:38Great, please, the scissors before someone gets hurt.
03:41Yeah, but Doc, you have the blood from the paternity suit.
03:43We get a DNA test done.
03:45Yeah!
03:46Okay, sure.
03:47Great.
03:48Now, give me the scissors.
03:49And go home and get some rest.
03:50Huh?
03:51Okay, but you're gonna do it.
03:52You can do it right away.
03:53Yeah, as soon as you leave it goes right to the DNA office or whatever.
03:56Yeah, okay.
03:57Yeah, sure.
03:58Great.
03:59Okay, but you're gonna do it.
04:00Uh-huh.
04:01Okay.
04:02Just relax.
04:03Okay.
04:04Go home.
04:05Okay.
04:06Get some rest.
04:07Fucking Sam.
04:08Jesus.
04:09Hey, Lou, what's up?
04:10Excuse me, can I help you?
04:11Uh, I can't right now, Lou.
04:12I got a situation.
04:13Excuse me, miss.
04:14Uh.
04:15You're here to see who?
04:16Oh.
04:17Right, I'm sorry.
04:18I am Sam Wellman's cousin.
04:19I, uh, gave you the keys.
04:20Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
04:21Yeah, Sam, he's a great guy.
04:22Uh-huh.
04:23Yeah, he'd let me stay here just for, uh, for a little bit.
04:24That's great, miss.
04:25Samantha Wellman.
04:26Samantha Wellman.
04:27Samantha Wellman.
04:28Lou, but you knew that already.
04:31Yeah, Sam, uh, speaks very highly of you.
04:33Is that right?
04:34Yeah.
04:35Yeah.
04:36Doc.
04:37Huh?
04:38I knew that you'd call, do.
04:39Yo, yo, yo, yo, you get that?
04:40Those test results back yet?
04:41What?
04:42Fuck.
04:43I don't know who you are, you know?
04:45I have a lot of questions, but I'll be here for a little bit.
04:49I have a lot of questions, but I'll be right back for a little bit.
04:50There you go.
04:51Wellman, Samantha Wellman.
04:52Samantha Wellman.
04:53Lou, but you knew that already.
04:54Yeah, Sam speaks very highly of you.
04:55Is that right?
04:56Yeah.
04:57Yeah.
04:58Doc.
04:59Huh?
05:00I knew that you called.
05:01Yo, yo, yo, you get those test results back yet?
05:04I don't know who you are or what you think you're doing lady, but this stopped being funny a long time ago
05:24I
05:34You've got to be kidding me.
05:34All right, lady, you win.
05:36Now, where the hell is Sam?
05:38Oh, my God, I am so sick of Sam.
05:43Okay.
05:45Okay.
05:45Either Boo-Boo apologizes and gets very snugly very quickly,
05:50or Susu is going to squeeze Boo-Boo's balls.
05:52And I guarantee you're not going to like it.
05:55Boo-Boo, what's the matter?
05:57I'm sorry.
06:00I just left something at work.
06:02I have to go to work?
06:03Yeah.
06:04At 11.30 at night?
06:14Oh, my God, it must be crazy.
06:29Fuck.
06:31Okay, but you'll process that right away.
06:33Rush job.
06:34I'll do my best.
06:35Maybe tomorrow.
06:37No promises.
06:38Just let me know as soon as you hear something, okay?
06:41Where the hell is he?
06:42We have a very important lunch meeting today.
06:44I've tried him on both lines, Mr. Cavallo.
06:46Yes, and?
06:48And he hasn't answered, and he isn't answering his emails either.
06:51Okay, I have been called away by a family emergency.
07:06See, my cousin, Samantha, is here to save the day.
07:10She's got just as much experience as me and can cover my accounts just as well as me until I get back from...
07:18From...
07:19From...
07:21No.
07:24Till I get back.
07:28Huh.
07:29Cousin Samantha, huh?
07:31Huh?
07:32Well, as long as she's hot.
07:34Morning, morning.
07:47Excuse me.
07:48Can I help you?
07:49Margaret.
07:52Do I know you?
07:55Right.
07:55Um, indirectly, I am Sam Wellman's cousin.
07:59Samantha.
08:00What a pleasure to meet you.
08:02Sam has just told me some.
08:05Well, actually, he never mentioned you at all.
08:08That didn't come out right.
08:09Oh, no, no, no.
08:10No, no, no.
08:10It's fine.
08:11Um, see, Sam and I have a very complex relationship.
08:15But, look, I'm happy to help out in his time of need.
08:18Look, I hope everything is okay with your family.
08:20I mean...
08:20Oh, yeah.
08:21Yeah, I'm sure everything will be just fine.
08:24I'm gonna go see Mr. Cavallo.
08:26Sure.
08:26Let me show you.
08:27No, it's fine.
08:27I know it.
08:29Sam.
08:30Right?
08:32Samantha Wellman.
08:33Sam's fine.
08:33Everything's good.
08:34He will be back soon.
08:36Nice to meet you, Miss Wellman.
08:37Oh, please, Mel.
08:39Sam, Samantha, Sam, just like the other guy.
08:41Cool?
08:42Yeah, up, up.
08:43Come on.
08:43Uh, go grab me that Lulu file like a good girl, huh?
08:46Sure.
08:47Look great in that dress.
08:48Oof.
08:54Sid.
08:55So.
08:57Samantha.
08:59So, Seymour.
09:01Welcome to the family.
09:03Yeah, no.
09:04Um, why don't we talk about the Lulu account?
09:07Let's not talk about business yet.
09:09We gotta get to know each other, right?
09:10Family.
09:11One of the family.
09:12Do you know the first thing I notice about a woman?
09:15Her ass?
09:16Exactly.
09:17No.
09:18Her eyes.
09:20Oh, yeah.
09:22Okay.
09:22What?
09:23You know, maybe you and I should grab a bite.
09:26Dinner tonight.
09:28Oh, you know what?
09:29I can't.
09:29I actually, I have plans.
09:32Cancel them.
09:33Yeah, no.
09:33I actually, I gotta go.
09:34I'm gonna go.
09:34I have to work.
09:37Work, work, work.
09:38You know, see a seat.
09:39I'm gonna work.
09:40Who are those for?
09:45Sam?
09:47No, they're for you, Susu.
09:51Twelve white roses for I'm sorry.
09:54And one red rose for I love you.
09:57Oh.
10:02No.
10:04No.
10:05Just.
10:06Don't.
10:06Let me.
10:07Don't.
10:07Check really quick.
10:09See who it is.
10:10If that's Sam and you answer it, we are so over.
10:14Johnny, did you get the results?
10:16This is the goddamnedest thing.
10:18I've never seen such a spot on correlation between male and female DNA.
10:22What?
10:23I've seen identical twins that were never near this close.
10:25Now, um.
10:27Who do these belong to anyway?
10:29Thanks, Johnny.
10:31I owe you one.
10:33So, uh, what was that all about?
10:35If I'm not being too inquisitive.
10:37It's a long story.
10:40Good.
10:41So, write me a letter.
10:43Okay.
10:45You son of a bitch.
10:47Okay.
10:48Okay, okay.
11:01Oh.
11:08Doc.
11:09Doc, did you hear?
11:10Yeah.
11:11Oh, yeah.
11:11I heard.
11:12So, now you believe me?
11:14I don't know what to believe.
11:15Yeah, but it was a match, right?
11:17That's what the man said.
11:18Yes!
11:21Oh.
11:22I don't necessarily believe you.
11:27Okay, you dumb bastard.
11:29What more proof do you need?
11:30But I don't necessarily think that you're lying, either.
11:33I just...
11:34Jesus.
11:37Yeah, well, I've been busy, pal.
11:40That's what Sam always said.
11:43Said.
11:44Dude, I'm not dead.
11:45I'm standing right here.
11:46Oh, God.
11:47I need a drink.
11:47Jesus.
11:55Doc.
11:56You're my best friend.
11:59Actually, you're my only friend.
12:02Doc, you gotta believe me.
12:03Man, you gotta help me.
12:04I just...
12:05I don't know where to turn.
12:07I wanna...
12:08I wanna help you, Sam.
12:13Sam, that's a good start.
12:14But I don't know how.
12:16Well, God damned if I know!
12:18Oh!
12:18When did this happen?
12:23So I go into this little shop down in the village and talk to some funny old dude.
12:28I go home, I wake up in the morning, and I'm a chick.
12:30Do you remember where this place was?
12:33Well, I don't know exactly.
12:35Well, come on!
12:37Come on!
12:37So where's this magical shop?
12:42I'm telling you, this is the street.
12:46Sure.
12:48Um, excuse me.
12:49Hi, excuse me.
12:50I'm sorry, is there, um, like a little brick-a-brack shop on this street?
12:54A what?
12:54You know, like, um, uh, a shop with, like, a whole bunch of old crap in it.
12:58It'd be, like, 50 years ago.
12:59You know what the rent is like around here?
13:01You know what the rent is like around here?
13:06Yeah, yeah.
13:07Okay, okay, fine.
13:09Maybe it's not this street.
13:11Maybe you're not Sam.
13:12I have patience in the morning, and I'm gonna go.
13:14No, no, wait, okay, wait, wait.
13:16Just, can we meet tomorrow, then?
13:18At our spot?
13:19You know what I'm talking about?
13:21I do, but do you?
13:22Alice in Wonderland statue, Central Park.
13:24Well, deal?
13:28Cool.
13:31She even eats like him.
13:42Alright, let's go to your office.
13:43I want you to examine me.
13:46What?
13:48No!
13:49No, ew, no way!
13:51Maybe you can find something.
13:53Like my cock.
13:55No.
13:57Why the hell not?
13:58Because it's weird, that's why!
14:01I'm not looking for your cock.
14:03I'll send you a referral or something.
14:05I don't want another gynecologist.
14:07I want you!
14:08You're my best friend.
14:10Nice talking to you.
14:10Lulu, you are looking lovely as usual.
14:23I'm sorry, who are you?
14:25Oh, Lulu, this is Sam's cousin, Samantha.
14:28She's just filling in for Sam while he's off on some little sabbatical.
14:32Family business.
14:33Oh.
14:34Oh, nothing serious.
14:36But excuse me, I gotta take a leak, a pee, a pit.
14:40I'm gonna use a little girl's room.
14:44She's quite a pistol, that one.
14:47Seymour, that girl needs a makeover.
14:53Yes, miss, what can I get you?
14:55Okay, let's see.
14:57A pint and a shot of whiskey, please.
14:59And, um, actually, can you give me the whiskey while you pull the pint?
15:02Certainly.
15:03Enjoy.
15:08You know, I just love a woman who knows how to drink.
15:13A drink.
15:14Are you seri-
15:14Seriously, dude, just screw off, all right?
15:17You don't have to get nasty.
15:18I was gonna buy you the next one.
15:21Maybe two.
15:22Okay, you know what?
15:23Barkeep.
15:24Here.
15:25Cancel the pint.
15:25Screw off, man.
15:29You're lost, baby.
15:37Oh, boy.
15:48Let me just go.
15:50Get rid of whoever is, all right?
15:51I'm bleeding.
16:05Now is not a good time.
16:07I have been hemorrhaging all night down there.
16:12You're menstruating.
16:13What?
16:13You're having your period.
16:14I'm riding the cotton pony!
16:17Andrew, doesn't your colorful friend realize that office hours haven't begun?
16:22Doc, what am I gonna do?
16:24Buy yourself some tampons.
16:26Oh, my God.
16:27Okay, you need to leave right now.
16:29You need to get out here.
16:30Andrew, you should make her leave this instant.
16:32Oh, she's still bossing you around, huh?
16:34Andrew, I can't believe that you were letting this creature talk to me like that.
16:39Oh, Andrew, I can't believe it.
16:40I'm having this creature to talk to me like that.
16:42Fuck you and the horse that you rode in on.
16:44Please, please.
16:44Do I have to throw you out myself?
16:47Oh, try it.
16:48I do kickboxing.
16:50Chick's only hit chicks in the movies, am I right?
16:55Yeah?
16:56Yeah.
16:57Stop it!
16:58Stop!
16:58Stop!
16:59Stop!
17:00Stop!
17:04Stop me!
17:05No!
17:07All right!
17:08Enough!
17:09Enough!
17:10She started it!
17:12Sam, I think you better go.
17:15Sam?
17:17Did you just call her Sam?
17:19Samantha, she's Sam's cousin.
17:22Oh, okay.
17:24Well, this makes perfect sense.
17:25Shut up!
17:26Why doesn't she go?
17:27Because she is my fiancƩ, and you are my patient.
17:34Don't ever do this.
17:36Wait, no.
17:37Can we just talk about this?
17:39Later.
17:39Well, wait, wait, but later, later, or never later?
17:42Just go.
17:44Oh!
17:45Wait.
17:53Well, what am I supposed to do with these?
17:55Oh, and don't forget the pearls.
18:09You're Samantha.
18:11By 1.30.
18:12Yeah, no.
18:14No.
18:15I'm a...
18:16I'm a...
18:16I gotta go.
18:18Come here.
18:19Turn around.
18:28My studio tomorrow, 3 p.m., and let's do try to be on time now, shall we?
18:33Dear dear, let's do something.
18:34Uh, yeah, man, listen, uh, I'm not here for dance lessons.
18:41I am here to teach you to be a girl.
18:46What?
18:46I am here to teach you to be a girl who is a girl who is a girl who is a girl who is a girl who is a girl who is a girl who is a girl who is a girl who is a girl who is a girl who is a girl who is a girl who is a girl who is a girl who is a girl who is a girl who is a girl who is a girl who is a girl who is a girl who is a girl who is a girl who is a girl who is a girl who is a girl who is a girl who is a girl who is a girl who is a girl who is a girl who is a girl who is a girl who is a girl who is a girl who is a girl who is a girl who is a girl who is a girl who is a girl who is a girl who is a girl who is a girl who is a girl who is a girl who is a girl who is a girl who is a girl who is a girl who is a girl who is a girl who is a girl who is a girl who is a
19:46All right, Mrs. Smith.
20:16Doc, please just hear me out.
20:19No.
20:20Doc, please.
20:23You have five minutes.
20:24I paid for an hour.
20:25I'll reimburse you.
20:26Four minutes, 50 seconds.
20:28Why don't you start by telling me what the hell you're doing in my office?
20:32Well, I tried calling you.
20:34I've tried emailing you.
20:35It's been two weeks.
20:37I was hoping you'd get the message.
20:39What message?
20:40The message that my life was fine before you happened and totally screwed everything up.
20:47Do you think I was just going to forget how you nearly broke up Cynthia and I?
20:51Doc, we're dudes.
20:54We fight, get drunk, and then make up.
20:57We are not dudes, Sam.
21:00Only one of us is a dude.
21:03That's the problem.
21:06That's always going to be the problem.
21:09Don't you think that I'm sick of this too?
21:12Hearing Alvin the chipmunk coming out of my mouth every time I speak?
21:15Having this face staring back at me every morning?
21:19Okay, relax.
21:20It's not such a bad face.
21:23Maybe you could get used to it.
21:24No, Doc.
21:25No.
21:26I'm not going to get used to this.
21:28I don't want to live this life anymore.
21:30Hey, don't talk like that.
21:34You know about drugs and hormone therapy and all that, so...
21:41I don't know.
21:42Maybe if I was a dude again, then everything would just be okay.
21:46You know, maybe we could go back to being friends.
21:49You're serious.
21:52As a heart attack.
21:56What you're talking about requires a lot more than hormones.
22:03How much more?
22:04We're talking about serious stuff.
22:05I mean, it's a full sex change.
22:08Major, major stuff.
22:10How major are we talking?
22:19You sure you want to do this?
22:30Give it some time, okay?
22:32Take a minute.
22:34How about we...
22:35We'll just...
22:36We'll get over and...
22:39Okay.
22:41Now let's just keep this between the two of us.
22:43Right?
22:46Mom's the word, pal.
22:47You know, I'm...
22:51I'm starving.
22:53You want to grab a bite?
22:55In the minute...
22:56Um...
22:57I need you to explain something to me.
23:01The doctor is in?
23:02I, uh...
23:04I need you to explain to me why there is nothing happening down there.
23:11You skipped your period.
23:13What?
23:14Oh, God.
23:14No.
23:15No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
23:17No.
23:17I, um...
23:18You know, I look at girls, nothing.
23:20I look at guys, nothing.
23:22I look at porn, nothing.
23:24So what, am I frigid?
23:26Do I have some kind of mental problems?
23:27I mean...
23:29I don't know.
23:30I feel like a fucking female eunuch.
23:34What?
23:34What?
23:35A little louder.
23:36I don't think they heard you in Cleveland.
23:38Look.
23:40It's complex.
23:42Complex?
23:43You touch them in the right spot, they get hot.
23:46Some women can achieve full arousal as quickly as men.
23:49Most can't.
23:50Yeah, but that's just plumbing.
23:51It takes them a little longer to warm up, but with me, there's just, like, nothing happening.
23:57Women have a completely different mind-body connection than men.
24:01Their arousal is more subtle.
24:03It's more intricate.
24:05Which, translated from New Age cycle babble, means what?
24:08They have to really like the person they're with to feel fully aroused.
24:12Let's face it.
24:13Women are complicated.
24:15Yeah, you're telling me.
24:20Oh, shoot.
24:21The office meeting got pushed up.
24:25I gotta go.
24:29No.
24:31What's wrong?
24:33Um, can I just call you later and maybe talk more about the issue?
24:39Sure.
24:39Just, uh, remember to stay out of trouble.
24:44Promise.
24:46You look so nice, Samantha.
24:49Thanks, Margaret.
24:51So do you.
24:52Okay, they're waiting for you in the conference room.
24:54I punch up the graphics in the proposal.
24:56Added some extras.
24:57Wow.
24:58Nice work, Margaret.
25:03Wow.
25:03It's just so tingling.
25:07Yeah.
25:09Feels like it just...
25:10Well, she certainly cleans up nicely.
25:12You look...
25:13Stunning.
25:14I mean, stunning.
25:18Come over here and sit next to Seymour.
25:20I'm fine.
25:21Right over here.
25:24Samantha, as I recall, you had some wonderful ideas about our internet campaign.
25:28Oh, yes.
25:31And before I begin, I would like to just say thank you to Margaret for all the wonderful
25:36work that she did on these reports.
25:40Now, as you can see from this chart, the models that we used on this season's online campaign
25:46scored highest between the ages of 34 and 44.
25:51And the numbers start to less...
25:52An excellent presentation, Sam.
25:54May I call you Sam?
25:56I'd prefer it, actually.
25:57Anyway, we will be in touch about the details.
26:00I look forward to it.
26:02I think this calls for a little promotion.
26:05We'll go over the specifics in my office.
26:07Cocktails mandatory.
26:09How about we skip the cocktails and settle on a 20% raise?
26:13Huh?
26:13A raise!
26:15I think that's a capital idea.
26:17And a bonus, too.
26:19I mean, after all, she's earned it, hasn't she?
26:21I suppose we could do a bonus, but...
26:24Seymour.
26:25Remember our little understanding, don't you?
26:28Oh, of course.
26:30Meow, baby.
26:31Oh!
26:36I think a raise this big deserves a hug!
26:42You don't know what you're missing.
26:45And another thing.
26:47That promotion, it's going to Margaret.
26:50Huh?
26:51She earned it.
26:53Actually, she should have gotten it three years ago, but you and Sam were too busy stealing
26:56all of her ideas to give it to her.
26:58I don't know about that.
27:01I do.
27:02And I'm sure Lulu would love to hear about Margaret's contributions over the years.
27:08You would do that?
27:09You would do that.
27:11Us girls have to stick together.
27:16Samantha.
27:17Hey, Margaret.
27:18You know, you didn't need to say that about me in the meeting until Mr. Cavallo...
27:22Actually, I did.
27:25I don't know how to thank you.
27:28Just...
27:28keep doing what you're doing.
27:32Thanks again.
27:33Of course.
27:42Mm-hmm.
27:44That feels good, Sam.
27:48Sam?
27:55What is it, Susu?
27:57You just called me Sam.
28:01No, I didn't.
28:02Yes, you most certainly did.
28:05What the...
28:06What the hell is going on right now?
28:09What are you talking about?
28:12Is it that cousin of his?
28:13That little tramp that showed up here faking her period?
28:17She wasn't faking it.
28:18Oh, so now you're defending her?
28:20No, what?
28:22You're...
28:22That's not what I said.
28:23Oh, my God.
28:26Oh, my God, you're gay.
28:30What?
28:31That's it.
28:31I've been a perfect fool.
28:35You and Mr. Sleazebag have been having a secret affair behind my back in all this time.
28:40I thought you were straight.
28:42Oh, my God.
28:43Oh, my God.
28:45I'm straight.
28:47Can we just talk this over?
28:49There's nothing to talk about.
28:51Goodbye.
28:52Goodbye.
28:56So how bad a fight was it?
28:59I didn't say we had a fight.
29:01You didn't have to.
29:03You got that post-fight look.
29:06Droopy shoulders, a little mopey around the edges.
29:08Sam, I don't want to talk about it.
29:11All right, fine, man.
29:12Suit yourself.
29:13Hey, dude.
29:19What about me?
29:21What about you?
29:22Well, I might be a few pounds lighter, but I can still catch a football.
29:24Sam, we don't play tackle football with women.
29:28End of discussion.
29:29Dude, I still got the chops.
29:30Please close.
29:31Sexist pig.
29:32I heard that.
29:34Ready?
29:35Yeah, I think so.
29:36All right, guys.
29:37Let's play some football.
29:39Yeah, this is a chick.
29:40Her name's Samantha.
29:42She's Sam's cousin.
29:43Yeah, Steve.
29:45Sam's telling me all about you, dude.
29:47Congratulations on the wedding, by the way, from what Sam tells me.
29:50You're getting quite a girl.
29:53Okay.
29:54Quite a girl.
29:55Are you kidding about playing?
29:57Yeah, she's kidding.
29:58No, no, she's not kidding.
29:59We're all great football players in my family, and believe me, guys, I know how to handle
30:04a ball.
30:07I'm sure you do.
30:08One play.
30:09No.
30:10Yeah, yeah, yeah.
30:11Yeah, I know.
30:12Okay.
30:13Okay, let's let it play.
30:14One play.
30:15Come on.
30:15Let's go.
30:17Come on.
30:18Woo!
30:19Woo!
30:19I'm a good friend of the Sam.
30:20Jeez.
30:22See it?
30:23Go.
30:27Oh!
30:28Got it!
30:28Oh, shit!
30:29You fucking thief!
30:33You just got off of me!
30:35Steve's got brown in my ass!
30:37Oh!
30:38Fuck her!
30:40Wait, what?
30:41Get off!
30:41Steve!
30:42God!
30:44Save it for Georgette!
30:45What?
30:46Better shut this girl up!
30:47Relax, dude!
30:47I know how much you hurt the ass, Clay!
30:49Relax!
30:49Relax!
30:50Relax!
30:50Come on!
30:50Relax!
30:50No, you know what?
30:51I don't even know why you're hanging out with this bitch instead of Cynthia anyway.
30:54Don't call her a bitch, Steve.
30:55Oh, she's a bitch.
30:57Okay, so now I'm a bitch.
30:58Oh, you're a grade-A bitch.
31:00I told you not to call her a bitch.
31:02Oh, sorry.
31:02Little bitch.
31:04Guys, guys, guys, get off of me!
31:05Fucking ass!
31:06Come on!
31:06Guys, come on!
31:07Let's do some shit!
31:08Relax!
31:09Come on, relax!
31:10Listen!
31:11Come on, we're all friends.
31:12Shake hands!
31:13Come on!
31:14Uh-huh.
31:15Come on, we're friends.
31:21Doc!
31:23Come on, man.
31:24It's okay.
31:24Let it go.
31:25No, it's not okay, all right?
31:29Nothing is okay.
31:32Doc.
31:33You were right.
31:34She left me.
31:36Are you happy now?
31:37No.
31:37No.
31:37No.
31:37No.
31:37No.
31:37No.
31:37No.
31:37No.
31:37No.
31:38No.
31:38No.
31:39No.
31:39No.
31:40No.
31:40No.
31:41No.
31:41No.
31:42No.
31:42No.
31:43No.
31:43No.
31:44No.
31:45No.
31:45No.
31:46No.
31:47No.
31:48No.
31:49No.
31:50No.
31:51No.
31:52No.
31:53No.
31:54No.
31:55No.
32:02Peace offering.
32:04Listen, Doc, um, I know that Cynthia and I don't get along, but if she's what you want,
32:13then...
32:14Lately, I don't know what I want.
32:17I do know I am sick of getting my balls busted by her.
32:22Well, at least you have balls.
32:25Oh, God.
32:26Oh, God.
32:27You're having a muscle spasm.
32:28No.
32:29It's fine.
32:30It's fine.
32:31I'll just take some aspirin.
32:32Who's the doctor here?
32:33Lay down.
32:34Come on.
32:35Turn it over.
32:36Okay.
32:37Right there.
32:38Oh, God, yeah.
32:39How does that feel?
32:40Oh, much better.
32:41Mm-hmm.
32:42Mm-hmm.
32:43Mm-hmm.
32:44Mm-hmm.
32:45Mm-hmm.
32:46I, uh...
32:47Have to use the john.
32:48Oh, my God.
32:49She's alive!
32:50She's alive!
32:51Oh, my God.
32:52She's alive!
32:53Oh, my God.
32:54Oh, my God.
32:55She's alive!
32:56Oh, my God.
32:57You!
32:58Yes!
32:59Me!
33:00I think it's time that, uh...
33:01oh my god
33:12she's alive
33:15you
33:25yes me
33:27I think it's time that
33:29you know you and I
33:31had a little talk
33:32what would you like to talk about
33:35the fact that
33:37you stole my man
33:39and I'd like
33:41him back decent men
33:43in this city
33:44are few and far between
33:46oh you forgot rich
33:48women like me okay
33:53successful career
33:55women women who
33:57think about tomorrow
33:59women who
34:00plan maybe five
34:01ten years ahead
34:02in their life
34:03we sometimes
34:04we have to settle
34:06settle
34:08settle or were you born yesterday
34:11actually about a month ago
34:13how much
34:14what
34:16you heard me
34:18how much do you want to
34:19let him go
34:21I'm sorry
34:24are you
34:25trying to buy me off
34:28you're obviously the type
34:30you know
34:30I mean
34:31if it walks like a duck
34:33how would you like me
34:35to belt you in the mouth
34:37like a duck
34:38Andrew
34:41I'm
34:47I'm so sorry
34:49just please
34:52please what
34:52we
34:54are
34:55so
34:56done
34:58okay
35:03all right
35:05well when you change your mind
35:07and you come begging
35:07don't bother calling
35:09okay because I'm changing my number
35:10change your hairstyle
35:11while you're at it
35:12it's really not a good
35:15look on her you know
35:17look doc
35:23I would
35:23say that I'm sorry
35:25but you know
35:26I'm just
35:26I'm just not
35:27please
35:31you just did me
35:35the biggest favor of my life
35:36yeah
35:37were you really gonna belt her
35:41hell yeah
35:43spunky little thing
35:45aren't you
35:45in a manner of speaking
35:48damn
35:55what
35:56I just realized
35:57I don't have a date
35:58to Steve's wedding
35:58you're still going to that thing
36:02you saw
36:03we shook
36:03well I would go with you
36:06only
36:06you are going with me
36:08yeah man
36:09I don't really think
36:10that Steve would be cool
36:11with that
36:11tough
36:12we're a team
36:14package deal
36:16anybody who doesn't like it
36:18can shove it
36:20I can't zip this thing up
36:22what do you think
36:32what do you think
36:32is this appropriate enough for the wedding
36:35I
36:37uh
36:39oh hashtag clue
36:40a dress like this has nothing to do with appropriateness
36:43its sole purpose is to engender insane jealousy among women
36:47and hormonal overload in the men
36:49well
36:49the straight ones at least
36:51all the gay ones eyeballs will be over your boyfriend over here
36:54oh no he's not my boyfriend
36:56oh not her boyfriend
36:57they say rather loudly
36:58so doc what do you think
37:01is
37:01this the one
37:03yeah
37:05it's good
37:06it's fine
37:07write it up Marie
37:08excellent choice
37:10what
37:14oh nothing
37:15I was just thinking of
37:16the looks on the guys faces
37:18if I
37:18play my game at the wedding
37:20your
37:21what
37:22the tricks that chicks use
37:24to get guys attention
37:25okay
37:27for example
37:29the stocking check
37:31oh
37:34my
37:35goodness
37:36is that a run
37:39how perfectly
37:40awful
37:41yeah
37:43works like a charm
37:45every time
37:46what you gotta have
37:47gams to back it up
37:48oh my god
37:53Sam
38:07what's going on
38:08what
38:10is everything alright
38:11you're downstairs
38:14yeah
38:16yeah just come on up
38:17come on in
38:18how's it going
38:25um
38:26yeah good
38:27good
38:27yeah I think
38:28um
38:29probably
38:30probably
38:32what's wrong
38:34you know what
38:35I'm sorry
38:35I um
38:36I'm gonna go
38:38this can
38:39this can wait
38:40oh hey
38:40hold on
38:41what's wrong
38:42I'm sensing a disturbance
38:44in the force
38:45what's going on
38:47well it's um
38:49it's about
38:50the
38:51issue
38:53the issue
38:55yeah
38:56uh
38:58the issue
38:58you're still having
39:02problems with the
39:03arousal thing
39:04oh god no
39:05no actually
39:06um
39:06it's been fine
39:07uh how fine
39:09like um
39:10you know
39:11once a day
39:12more
39:13two
39:16three times a day
39:17more than three times
39:20yeah
39:20per day
39:22yeah
39:22how much more
39:24six
39:25today
39:28tonight
39:29you know what doc
39:31I'm so sorry
39:32I'm really embarrassed
39:33I think
39:33yeah I'm gonna
39:35I'm gonna go
39:35whoa come on
39:36it's fine
39:37what's going on
39:38I don't know
39:41it's just that
39:41you know
39:41she's um
39:42she's being really
39:46specific
39:47about
39:47about um
39:48who she wants
39:50like if I um
39:51if I think of
39:52um
39:52this one person
39:54she gets like
39:56really really
39:57happy
39:58and then if I think
39:59about anyone else
40:00she gets like
40:00really cranky
40:02so uh
40:03who's the lucky
40:05uh
40:06no
40:11no
40:12fuck
40:13oh fuck
40:14no
40:14yeah doc
40:15you know
40:15oh my god
40:16I'm so stupid
40:17I'm so sorry
40:18you know what
40:18just forget that
40:19I said
40:19anything
40:20oh no
40:20you know what
40:21just wait
40:21hold on
40:22um
40:23listen
40:25I'm the one
40:26who should be
40:26apologizing here
40:27because you
40:28come in
40:29and then you
40:30are honest with me
40:31and what I do
40:32is I play 20
40:33questions with you
40:33and um
40:34that's not fair
40:35because
40:35what you're dealing
40:37with is
40:38you're trying to
40:39compact like
40:4030 years of
40:41female psychological
40:42development
40:42into a few
40:43really short months
40:44and um
40:45I think that
40:46what you're gonna
40:46find
40:47is that
40:48in time
40:49the sexual
40:49focus
40:50shifts
40:51and it
40:52expands
40:53and that
40:54there are
40:55techniques
40:56you can use
40:57um
40:59to
40:59uh
40:59uh
41:00uh
41:01I'm babbling
41:03yeah
41:04because I'm
41:08completely
41:08full of shit
41:09Sam
41:15buddy
41:18we used to
41:21chase babes
41:21together
41:22you know
41:23we would
41:23we'd get
41:24hammered together
41:25I can't help it
41:26she won't
41:26listen to me
41:27time out
41:30time out
41:33let's um
41:34let's
41:35breathe
41:36oh
41:37it's good
41:40right like that
41:41we're gonna breathe
41:42we had a moment
41:43and um
41:44the moment
41:45passed
41:46and we're
41:47fine
41:48you're fine
41:49I'm in heat
41:50Sam
41:51oh
41:52sit
41:52just
41:53why don't you
41:54sit
41:54why don't
41:54um
41:55um
41:56eat some chips
41:58and I'm gonna get
42:01uh
42:01you a beer
42:01we're gonna get a beer
42:03and we're gonna talk
42:04this out
42:05oh
42:06oh
42:12oh
42:17that's nice
42:19you know
42:21we are gonna look
42:24back at this
42:24and we're gonna
42:25oh
42:26oh god
42:30you
42:31threw
42:32so
42:34good
42:37um
42:41that's
42:43those are
42:44uh
42:44it's just
42:44androgens
42:45those are
42:46pheromones
42:47and it's a
42:48chemical
42:48uh
42:50uh
42:50uh
42:50what
42:55I'm getting
42:57the uncontrollable
42:58urge to
42:59cuddle
43:02wow
43:07wow
43:08Ye olde curiosity shop.
43:33Tonight at midnight, to make the choice.
44:03Congratulations.
44:15Thanks, Doc.
44:16Thanks for coming.
44:18And, uh, you're here.
44:20It was a beautiful ceremony.
44:23So you're Sam's cousin.
44:26Same blood runs through our veins.
44:29I've heard a lot about you.
44:30Only good things, right?
44:32So, uh, how is Sam doing anyway?
44:36Oh, uh, he's like a new person.
44:40Sort of feels like he's with us here in spirit.
44:43Well, uh, we don't want to hoard all of your time.
44:46Come on, Sam, Manta.
44:48Let's go get a cocktail.
44:50Enjoy.
44:53You know, when I was a guy, I used to do this for girls.
44:57Oh, who am I kidding?
44:59I don't think I've ever done this for a woman.
45:02You know, I think you've grown your own brand of chivalry.
45:08Thanks, Doc.
45:10What's wrong, Sam?
45:12You seem sad, I noticed, in the car on the way over.
45:16Let's just talk about her later, okay?
45:22You know what?
45:23I think...
45:24I think they might be playing our song.
45:27We have a song.
45:29We do now.
45:31Come on.
45:33May I have this dance?
45:36It doesn't bear as shit.
45:37Of course you may.
45:47So what's it like?
45:51What's what like?
45:53Being a woman.
45:55It's like, uh, someone added 27 frequencies to my radio dial.
46:00Which means?
46:04Um...
46:06Which means...
46:08When I walk into a room, I pretty much know what's going on with everybody.
46:13Either they're happy or horny or sad.
46:18Or...
46:20If they have a chance in hell of stealing you away from me.
46:24Anybody in here, uh...
46:27Giving you any competition?
46:31See that blonde over there by the punch bowl?
46:34Yeah.
46:36Well, she'd have a shot at you.
46:38If she wasn't so busy checking out that guy's Rolex.
46:41And...
46:43If...
46:45Yeah?
46:48If you weren't totally smitten with me.
46:50How?
46:51I'm smitten, huh?
46:54Crazy in love.
46:58Wow.
46:59You're good.
47:08Feelings mutual, by the way.
47:09I know it's you.
47:20Sam.
47:26But you're different.
47:30Good different?
47:31No.
47:34Not good.
47:36Amazing.
47:38When's the last time you kissed me like that?
47:52Tonight?
47:54Huh?
47:55Mm-hmm.
47:56Mm-hmm.
48:02What?
48:03Do you have a hot date or something?
48:04Come on, you're spoiling my after all.
48:08I have to talk to you outside.
48:10Right now.
48:19I need a favor.
48:21Anything.
48:23Can you drive me down to the village?
48:24Now?
48:26What for?
48:28Do you trust me?
48:29Of course I trust you.
48:31Then just please don't ask any questions.
48:33Okay.
48:35If that's the way you want it.
48:37Okay, but we have to leave right now.
48:40I need to be there by midnight.
48:41I need to be there by midnight.
49:07Doc.
49:08No.
49:09Sam.
49:10No.
49:38If someone.
49:39I need us.
49:41If only one of these.
49:43I might not be there at non-lifeč„æ startups.
49:46Is for one life man you think?
49:48That's the sort of discovery story.
49:50What is in the world?
49:52That are sunburns.
49:53Oh, yeah.
49:54Come on, hear me.
49:56Do you mind?
49:57That's right now.
49:59Do you want to find something?
50:01Remember?
50:02Can you feel thatļæ½ļæ½?
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