Craig Carton Predicts Monday’s Headlines Ahead of the Weekend

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00:00We try to pre-predict what's going to happen over the weekend.

00:02So every Friday, this segment, we're going to give you Monday's headlines.

00:06And today, all right, no particular order.

00:08College football back at you again.

00:11Obviously, Texas with Arch Manning trying to get on the right side of a win.

00:17And who do they play?

00:19Who's Texas even play?

00:20Nobody even knows.

00:21They play like an FCS school.

00:23They're favored by 36.

00:24So you know all the sycophants out there who are afraid of Peyton Manning.

00:28Here's your Monday headline.

00:30As Arch Manning is going to throw for 500 yards against a high school team.

00:34Arch Manning, greatest quarterback of all time.

00:37They play San Jose State.

00:39Like, come on, man.

00:40Exactly right.

00:41The only thing worse than that is Penn State playing FIU.

00:44So all the ass-kitsers are going to be out there.

00:47Oh, Arch Manning.

00:47Look at Arch Manning.

00:49Arch Manning played Ohio State.

00:50He got embarrassed.

00:51All right, the second headline.

00:53North Carolina still reeling after their embarrassing loss to TCU

00:58on Monday night.

00:59They play Charlotte.

01:00Didn't know Charlotte had a football team.

01:03If Charlotte beats North Carolina, which is on the table, by the way.

01:07They're only like a touchdown underdog or so.

01:10Here's the headline in the Charlotte Observer.

01:13Bill Belichick steps down.

01:15And if you see, is there a notepad right there?

01:18I resign as the HC of UNC, which is an ode to what he did to us as Jet fans.

01:23And I think that's a possibility.

01:25If they're 0-2 and they can't beat Charlotte, a non-football school,

01:31oh, that'd be great.

01:33Bill Belichick is out.

01:34Headline number three.

01:35You may have seen the news yesterday, last night.

01:38If not, you'll see it this morning.

01:40The only basketball player on the women's side people care about,

01:43Kalen Clark, is done for the year.

01:46So by Monday, this will be the headline in USA Today.

01:51Kalen Clark out for the year.

01:52The WNBA is shutting down operations.

01:54That's a cold shot.

01:55Shutting it down.

01:56Because let's be honest, nobody cares about women's basketball

02:00if she ain't playing.

02:02So you had a good little run, and now it's over.

02:05That's the way that goes.

02:05You know, now, are we upset that they didn't make sure that her groin,

02:08they got, that's the injury that she has.

02:10I don't talk about a woman's groin.

02:11No, no, no, it's a groin injury.

02:13The groin muscle.

02:14The groin muscle.

02:15You're not making it any better.

02:16I am making it better.

02:17That's what shut her down.

02:18Don't you think the league, going off of your theory,

02:21you got to make sure she's sleeping in a chamber, has the best doctors.

02:24I don't care.

02:26Yes, you do.

02:26Because she would be playing, and thus she wouldn't care.

02:28If she plays, I might take one eyeball on it.

02:31She ain't playing.

02:33I'm not talking about her groin, nor her groin muscle.

02:36Groin muscle.

02:37No.

02:38There's a difference.

02:39I'm aware.

02:40All right.

02:40I do cordials all the time.

02:43What'd you call them?

02:45Cordials.

02:46Kegels.

02:47I'm a Kegels.

02:47Cordial.

02:48I don't know what the hell it is.

02:51I thought I was right, too.

02:54You just call them cordials.

02:55Right, it's Kegels.

02:56That's a little drink.

02:57Cordial's a drink.

02:59All right.

03:00Your final Monday headline.

03:03If you turn on a sports dog radio station in America today, and you hear a host, I don't

03:08care what day part it is, telling you that commercials on Red Zone is not a big deal, you

03:13should never listen to that host ever again, because he or she no longer represents you,

03:18the fan.

03:18I do.

03:20They are now.

03:20I don't care how long the commercials are.

03:22The beauty of Red Zone was seven hours commercial free, and now they're adding commercials.

03:29So this will be your headline in the New York Times.

03:32We just picked that randomly for Monday.

03:34Red Zone loses all viewers because commercials suck on Red Zone.

03:39Good here.

03:40Great here.

03:41Bad there.

03:42Bad there.

03:42And I think that'll be a big headline.

03:44Even if it's a 15-second commercial, people like me are going to be like, what the hell's

03:48going on?

03:49I want to see everything.

03:50And I think it's a bad decision and a greedy decision to put commercials in Red Zone.

03:54It was the beauty of Red Zone.

03:56Seven hours commercial free.

03:59And if anyone pooh-poohs that, you know exactly where they stand.

04:03They're an elitist snob who does not represent you, the hardworking American man who buys Callahan

04:09motor parts.

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