- 4 months ago
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00:00I
00:30Welcome to Have I Got News for You.
00:38I'm Roy Wood Jr.
00:39In the news this week,
00:41Trump's Justice Department continues to target his enemies.
00:46Come on, make your head.
00:46Come on.
00:47Come on, make your head.
00:48Stop resisting.
00:50Stop resisting.
00:51With prices soaring, people turn to American-made products.
00:56I don't...
00:57Rudy Giuliani gets a job as a door dasher.
01:05Joining Michael tonight,
01:07she's the U.S. representative from Texas' 30th district,
01:10and she's a little shy about it,
01:12but she told me backstage before the show
01:13she's running for president in 2028.
01:15It's Jasmine Crockett.
01:19I'm not telling the truth.
01:22On Amber's team, you know I'm from Kids in the Hall,
01:25a Bugs Life in Fargo,
01:26and to me, he'll always be the Jasmine Crockett of Canada.
01:29It's Dave Foley!
01:34Yes.
01:36Now, it's been a long time off.
01:39Let's get to the biggest stories of the week.
01:41Amber and Dave, watch the clip and tell me,
01:43what is the story?
01:46This story is about Yogi the Bear.
01:48Baby bear, and there's a prominent baby bear eater.
01:53Right, and that's inside his brain,
01:55and that's also his brain activity.
01:57So the story is something to do with RFK Jr.
02:00RFK Jr. and bears and worms.
02:02Oh, my!
02:04The story is,
02:05the many ways in which the Secretary of Health
02:07and Human Services, Robert F. Kennedy Jr.,
02:10is going to kill us all.
02:14Here's what Stephen Miller said about RFK Jr.
02:16Secretary Kennedy has been a crown jewel
02:19of this administration.
02:20The crown jewel testified
02:22in front of a Senate panel earlier this week,
02:25and let's just say it was a doozy.
02:27I'm asking the questions here.
02:29You're evading that question.
02:30I'm asking the questions.
02:32You're the Secretary of Health and Human Services.
02:34You don't have any idea
02:36how many Americans died from COVID?
02:38I don't think anybody knows.
02:42Someone does know that.
02:43You're supposed to be the someone that knows that.
02:46I think Satan looks at RFK Jr. and thinks,
02:49I'm kind of overdoing it on this guy.
02:51The hearing comes amidst a major turmoil
02:54for the Department of Health and Human Services.
02:56In August, the Trump administration
02:58fired someone kind of important.
03:02Does anyone have any idea
03:04who they got rid of and why?
03:07We're just looking for one person?
03:09That part.
03:10I believe it's the head of the CDC,
03:13whatever the hell they do.
03:15I'm sure it's nothing important.
03:16Yes, correct.
03:17RFK Jr. and the Trump administration
03:19fired their own CDC director, Susan Menares.
03:24Now, you know, I'm not afraid to say
03:25she was a solid CDC director
03:26and she killed it on Who's the Boss?
03:30Of course, the firing came up
03:32during the Secretary's Senate testimony.
03:35What reason do you think RFK Jr. gave
03:38for firing Susan Menares?
03:41Well, here I got to jump to RFK Jr.'s defense
03:43because he had sound reason to fire her
03:46because he says he asked her point blank,
03:48are you a trustworthy person?
03:50And she said, no, I am not.
03:53Right, you would think
03:54if you were an untrustworthy person...
03:55You might lie?
03:56Yeah, you would answer in the negative of that.
03:58Ask me if I'm an untrustworthy person.
03:59Are you an untrustworthy person, Michael?
04:01I'm very trustworthy.
04:02Wow, you're good.
04:04Welcome to the new CDC director.
04:07Let's find out the answer.
04:09I told her that she had to resign
04:10because I asked her,
04:12are you a trustworthy person?
04:14And she said, no.
04:17Time to play a little game I like to call,
04:21how is the government going to kill me?
04:23Oh, yeah.
04:25I thought we'd have a jingle,
04:26but okay, never mind.
04:27I'm going to give you all a situation
04:29and you guess how a recent
04:31Trump administration decision
04:33might make you die.
04:36Great.
04:36I like this game.
04:37Jasmine, you up first.
04:39That's a long list, honey.
04:40Okay.
04:41It's a lovely Thanksgiving dinner.
04:43You're there with your family.
04:45Your uncle just came in,
04:46asked you to borrow $20.
04:48You got the turkey.
04:50How will you die?
04:51It's the turkey.
04:52The bird flew or something
04:54because they're not even testing
04:55for stuff no more.
04:57It's the food.
04:58It's the food.
04:59Points.
04:59Yes.
05:02The answer is salmonella poisoning.
05:06The Department of Agriculture
05:07is withdrawing a rule
05:08proposed to prevent food poisoning
05:10from poultry contaminated
05:12with salmonella.
05:14Dave, your turn.
05:15Oh, okay.
05:16You're out on a hot date.
05:18Yeah.
05:19She's sexy.
05:20All right.
05:21Oh, and you're vibing.
05:22I may have already died
05:23at this point.
05:25And you and that girl go home
05:27and then she goes,
05:29you got any condoms?
05:29And you go,
05:30I'm Dave Foley.
05:31I don't use condoms.
05:32How will you die?
05:33I will die of a,
05:34of a, of a,
05:35one of your classics
05:36or maybe a brand new
05:38venereal disease.
05:38Point.
05:39Point.
05:39There we go.
05:42We're in mid-season form already.
05:44Dave, the answer
05:45is super gonorrhea.
05:47Oh, my God.
05:48I love those comic books.
05:49Yes.
05:50The Trump administration
05:52has eliminated
05:53the Centers for Disease Control
05:55and Prevention's laboratories
05:56for STDs and hepatitis.
05:59And more specifically,
06:01they've shuttered
06:02the only lab in America
06:04with the ability
06:05to test for
06:06emergent strains
06:07of, quote,
06:09super gonorrhea.
06:12Final question
06:13on how the government
06:13will kill you.
06:14Right.
06:15You want to breathe air.
06:17Mm.
06:18Beep.
06:19And every day
06:20you wake up and go,
06:21mm, air.
06:23Mm.
06:24How will you die?
06:27Is it from the air?
06:29What's in the air?
06:30We don't know
06:31because they stopped
06:32testing for everything.
06:33Point.
06:33Bitch, yes.
06:37The government
06:38is closing the offices
06:40that analyze dangers
06:41posed by toxic chemicals,
06:43climate change,
06:44smog, wildfires,
06:45indoor air contaminants,
06:46and drinking water pollutants.
06:49Does it feel great again?
06:50If you're one of the DuPonts,
06:52it feels great again.
06:53Now, unfortunately,
06:54much like the diseases
06:56they refute to vaccinate
06:57for,
06:57the Trump administration's
06:58terrible ideas
06:59are spreading like wildfire.
07:01In fact, this week,
07:02one state has already
07:04decided to move
07:05and ban all vaccine mandates.
07:08Can anyone guess
07:09which state it is?
07:11And, Amber,
07:12why is it Florida?
07:12I never have the answer.
07:20The one time I know
07:22you have to cock block me.
07:26Here's Florida Surgeon General
07:27Joseph Ledepo.
07:29The Florida Department of Health,
07:31in partnership with the governor,
07:33is going to be working
07:35to end all vaccine mandates
07:39in Florida law.
07:40All of them.
07:41All of them.
07:43When it showed the guy
07:44and he was black,
07:45that hurt my feelings.
07:48Would you like for me
07:49to play a little bit more of him
07:50so he can hurt your feelings
07:52even more?
07:54Yes.
07:54What did he compare
07:57giving your kid
07:59a life-saving
08:00measles shot to?
08:02What did he compare
08:03vaccinations to?
08:06If the answer is slavery,
08:08I'll kill us all.
08:12Every last one of them
08:14is wrong
08:15and drips
08:16with disdain
08:17and slavery.
08:19No!
08:21Oh, no!
08:23It's dead!
08:24You're dead!
08:25You're dead!
08:25You're dead!
08:26I'm dead!
08:27Oh, fuck!
08:29I think maybe
08:30they aren't teaching
08:31what slavery was,
08:32clearly.
08:34But y'all,
08:35vaccines and slavery,
08:36honestly,
08:36wouldn't you agree?
08:37Jasmine Crackett,
08:38you don't remember that?
08:40You don't remember
08:40that scene in Roots
08:41when they got vaccinated?
08:42You don't remember
08:49that scene?
08:50No!
08:51You make it fun
08:52when you turned it
08:53into an old Negro spirit.
08:55Who else are people
08:57skeptical about
08:58giving vaccines to?
09:00It's not just
09:00human beings.
09:01Doggies?
09:02The answer is dogs.
09:03Dogs?
09:04Oh.
09:05A study published
09:06in the journal
09:06Vaccine,
09:08actual name,
09:09found that
09:10about 37%
09:12of dog owners
09:13believe that
09:14canine vaccination
09:15could cause their dogs
09:17to develop autism.
09:20This explains a lot.
09:21I had,
09:21my late German shepherd,
09:23who I love dearly,
09:24was totally nonverbal.
09:29Michael and Jasmine,
09:30watch the clip.
09:31Tell me,
09:32what's the story?
09:33All right,
09:33that's where you work?
09:34When we go to work.
09:35Uh-huh.
09:36That the FBI,
09:37oh, oh, oh,
09:37there's files.
09:38Oh, redacted,
09:39I definitely know
09:39what this is.
09:40Is it the Epstein files?
09:41Yes.
09:41Is that the story?
09:42Yes,
09:42the story is
09:43the Epstein files,
09:44and that's the craze
09:45that's sweeping the nation
09:47and has everybody saying.
09:48Yeah,
09:49I'd be inclined
09:49to do the Epstein,
09:50I'd have no problem with it.
09:52Do the Epstein,
09:53you know.
09:55The latest TikTok dance.
09:58This week,
09:59the House Oversight Committee
10:00released over 33,000 files
10:03related to the Epstein case.
10:05That sounds like a lot,
10:06but why were so many people
10:07disappointed
10:08in the latest Epstein drop?
10:11They redacted.
10:12You saw them over there.
10:13They scratching out the names.
10:15You didn't hear about them saying,
10:17all the conservatives
10:17got to go,
10:18get them out,
10:18get them out.
10:19So,
10:20and of course,
10:20you know,
10:21Trump,
10:21they're working overtime
10:22to make sure,
10:22Trump,
10:23Trump,
10:23Trump.
10:24But you probably hear whispers
10:25like in the halls of Congress
10:26about who's on that list.
10:27Who,
10:28who,
10:28who do you hear?
10:28We didn't hear whispers.
10:31Oh,
10:31you heard shots and murders.
10:33We had survivors
10:34that gave us names
10:35and I am applauding
10:37every single survivor right now
10:38because they have decided,
10:39they decided
10:43they gonna make their own list.
10:44Many were disappointed
10:45by the Epstein drop
10:46because most of it
10:48had already come out before.
10:5097% of those documents
10:52were already part
10:53of the public domain.
10:54It's nothing new.
10:55This is all a charade.
10:56They haven't given us anything.
10:58They've given us
10:58the sleeves off their vest.
11:02That was Kentucky State rep
11:03and always,
11:04they always look sort of wet,
11:05Thomas Massey.
11:06Just always,
11:06just look damp.
11:08What was in
11:09the new 3%
11:11that was released?
11:13Oh,
11:14you would know.
11:15Can I just say,
11:16the way your eyes
11:17are moving on this topic,
11:18you know some shit.
11:20Because she's like,
11:21the video
11:27and the survivors.
11:31The only new info
11:35released was
11:37flight records
11:38and a video
11:39of Epstein's cell block
11:40from before his death
11:42that includes
11:43a minute missing
11:44from earlier videos.
11:46We can't find
11:47none of the Epstein,
11:48but y'all got
11:49all the Young Thug
11:50phone call recordings.
11:53Dave,
11:53Young Thug
11:54is an American rapper
11:55who beat the repo charge
11:56and is tearing
11:57the American hip-hop
11:58community apart.
11:59Oh.
12:00Okay.
12:01Congratulations?
12:03No?
12:04No.
12:04Oh.
12:05Brr.
12:08This week,
12:09Massey teamed up
12:09with Democratic
12:10Representative Ro Khanna
12:11to host a bipartisan rally
12:13outside the Capitol
12:14for those same survivors
12:15you're talking about,
12:16the survivors
12:17of Epstein sex trafficking.
12:19Massey and Khanna
12:20are leading the charge
12:21for something called
12:22a discharge petition
12:23that makes the DOJ
12:26turn over
12:26all their Epstein files.
12:28Is it okay
12:29to start the rumor
12:30that anyone
12:32who opposes
12:33releasing the Epstein files
12:35is in them?
12:36You know what we gotta do
12:37to find out
12:38who's on the list
12:38is just call out names
12:40and see if your eye twitch.
12:42Yeah.
12:44I'm gonna say a name.
12:45You just look forward.
12:46I'm gonna just say a name.
12:46Yeah.
12:47Is this the first time
12:48you've been on the same side
12:49as Marjorie Taylor Greene
12:50in something?
12:51Yes, it is breaking news, honey.
12:54We don't get along.
12:55We don't agree.
12:57But we are on the same side
12:59on this.
12:59Mm-hmm.
13:00And I will tell you
13:02that she seemed authentic
13:04for once in her life.
13:06It's honestly so disgusting
13:08that we have a speaker
13:10of the house
13:11that basically has decided
13:13he is going to do
13:14whatever his orange master
13:16tells him to do
13:17even if that means
13:18covering up for
13:19the pedophiles
13:21because these people
13:22are pedophiles.
13:23I have to say
13:23nothing in the world
13:25is cooler
13:25than all the victims
13:26getting together
13:27and being like,
13:28fuck all y'all.
13:29We know the list.
13:30We'll give you
13:31our own fucking list.
13:32Now, Massey and Conor
13:37continue to fight
13:38to get this petition passed.
13:40They have every House Democrat
13:42supporting the petition.
13:44Does anyone know
13:44how many Republican signatures
13:46they need
13:47to get this petition passed?
13:49How many Republicans
13:50do you think they need?
13:51We need two more.
13:52Run for office.
13:54Oh, okay.
13:55It's a Republican guest.
13:56The problem is
13:58I'm on the list.
13:59Yeah.
13:59Yeah.
13:59Let's hear the number.
14:05212 Democrats
14:07and Thomas Massey
14:09has done an extraordinary job.
14:10We have four Republicans
14:12already on the first day.
14:13So we only need
14:15two more.
14:16That's how I be talking
14:17when I'm trying to plan
14:18a threesome.
14:18I need two more.
14:23Oh, let's hope
14:25the odds are better.
14:29Republican rep Nancy Mace
14:33is on board.
14:34So is rumored
14:35Kit Rockett Laurenville.
14:36So is Georgia rep
14:38and unofficial son
14:39and spokeswoman
14:40Marjorie Taylor Greene.
14:41Is that her mugshot?
14:44You can't resist yourself.
14:46I can't.
14:46Justin Crockett,
14:48leave her on the way.
14:48I was confused.
14:50Y'all on the same side
14:52on this one?
14:52If you want a flag on her,
14:54just give me a signal
14:55and I'll do it.
14:56Her eyes so close together
14:58it looks like
14:58they're looking at one another.
15:00I can say shit like that.
15:02Marjorie Taylor Greene
15:04vowed to name
15:05quote,
15:06every damn name
15:08of Epstein's clients.
15:10Let's hear it.
15:11I look forward
15:12to talking with
15:12President Trump
15:13about these women
15:15that I've met.
15:16I also encouraged him
15:17already this morning
15:19that he should have
15:19these women
15:20in the Oval Office.
15:21They deserve to be there.
15:22He's already had them.
15:23That's the problem.
15:26Don't do it, girl.
15:27I know that's
15:28doing dames or girl.
15:30So Marjorie Taylor Greene
15:31has told us her plans
15:32to get President Trump
15:33in the same room
15:34with the survivors.
15:35Let's hear how those plans
15:37are coming along.
15:38What was his reaction about?
15:39I haven't got an answer
15:40back on that.
15:42While Trump's survivors
15:44were at the rally,
15:44Trump was meeting
15:45with the Polish president,
15:47Karol Nowroski,
15:49who you can tell
15:50is just thrilled
15:51to be sitting next to
15:52him for this press conference.
15:53So this is a Democrat hoax
15:56that never ends.
15:58You know,
15:58it reminds me a little
15:59of the Kennedy situation.
16:02We gave him everything
16:02over and over again,
16:04more and more and more,
16:05and nobody's ever satisfied.
16:07From what I understand,
16:09I could check,
16:09but from what I understand,
16:11thousands of pages
16:12of documents
16:13have been given.
16:14But it's really
16:15a Democrat hoax.
16:16You ever be
16:17at your friend's house
16:18and their parents
16:19get to fighting?
16:21Question for the panel.
16:22What do we think?
16:23Do you think
16:23the discharge petition
16:25will get enough support
16:26to get all of the evidence
16:28out there?
16:28There's no way
16:30that this discharge petition
16:31ever gets released
16:33if it's ever going
16:35to embarrass anybody
16:37who happens to be
16:39president of the United States.
16:40But then will it be
16:42released later?
16:44After?
16:48Do you think?
16:50You think so?
16:54I'll just wait.
16:55I'll wait.
17:03Welcome back.
17:05It's time now
17:06for the Offend-O-Meter.
17:08We will fire up
17:09the Offend-O-Meter
17:10and teams have to tell us
17:11who's the offender,
17:12what they did
17:12and who they offended.
17:14First up,
17:15who is this offender,
17:16y'all?
17:17Oh.
17:17Oh, no.
17:18Gavin Newsom.
17:20Oh, yes.
17:21Well, it certainly
17:22can't be that
17:22he's on the Epstein list.
17:25Because if you sound pissed,
17:28it's because you're
17:28on the list.
17:29I'm just going to...
17:30I think that's it.
17:33If you pissed,
17:33you're on the list.
17:34I like that.
17:34You pissed,
17:34it's because you're
17:35on the list.
17:35That's it.
17:36Yes, that is
17:37California Governor
17:38Gavin Newsom.
17:39Did he offend England
17:40by having those teeth?
17:44I'm English.
17:45I think Gavin Newsom
17:47offended black people
17:48for asking to be allowed
17:50in their juke joint.
17:53Well, you should have
17:54seen Sinners
17:55if you would have
17:56got that job.
17:57Yeah.
17:59The black people got it.
18:00They know the juke joint.
18:01I know.
18:01I watched it twice.
18:02You know the juke joint.
18:03Yeah, it was a good movie.
18:05Who did Gavin Newsom
18:06offend?
18:06Uh, well.
18:10All Republicans
18:11as far as I'm concerned.
18:12But no,
18:13obviously my bootleg governor
18:15feeling away
18:16as well as, you know,
18:17the bootleg president.
18:18Yes.
18:18They're upset
18:19because he said,
18:20you're not going to roll
18:21all over me.
18:22I'm going to fight back.
18:23Yes, he did.
18:26Newsom offended
18:27MAGA supporters
18:28because he's been
18:29going hard
18:30posting AI videos
18:32like this one
18:33in which he drinks
18:35MAGA tears
18:36and this one
18:40where he's shaking hands
18:41with a tiny Trump.
18:47Troll on, my brother.
18:48Troll on.
18:48That's a good movie.
18:49That video was worth
18:50the 10,000 acres of rainforest
18:52that we're destroying.
18:54Newsom's also been
18:55trolling Trump all summer
18:56by emulating his style
18:58tweeting things like,
19:00Donald is finished.
19:02He's no longer hot.
19:04First the hands,
19:05so tiny.
19:05And now me,
19:07Gavin C. Newsom,
19:08have taken away
19:09his step.
19:11Many are saying
19:11he can't even do
19:13the big stairs
19:14on Air Force One
19:15anymore
19:15unless he uses
19:16the little baby stairs.
19:18That's a quality,
19:20kind of,
19:20sort of,
19:20okay Donald Trump
19:22impersonation.
19:22That's right up there
19:24with Alec Baldwin.
19:25That's neck and neck.
19:26I hate this.
19:28I know I'm
19:28in the minority on this.
19:30I hate that he's doing this
19:31because I hate
19:31that we're reducing
19:33our politicians
19:34to cartoon characters.
19:36I don't give a shit
19:38how well you control online.
19:40Do your fucking job.
19:41That's what I care about.
19:42But...
19:43Do you feel...
19:47I know she's going
19:47to disagree with me.
19:48Listen,
19:49and this is my partner.
19:50This is my partner.
19:50We on the same team.
19:52But at the same time,
19:54your answer was that
19:55MAGA is losing
19:56their shit right now.
19:57Correct.
19:58And they're like,
19:59this is immature.
20:00Yes,
20:00that's what we've been saying.
20:02That is what we're trying
20:03to get you to see.
20:04It is immature.
20:05It is ignorant.
20:06And it does not prove
20:07that you should be
20:08having the nuclear codes.
20:10Like,
20:10we want you to do
20:11better next time.
20:12So yes,
20:13I think it is necessary
20:14because we are putting
20:15a good old mirror
20:16up in your face
20:17to make you understand
20:19that y'all been supporting
20:20a real ignorant fool
20:20this whole time.
20:21I don't like
20:22what you said
20:23because that's like
20:23how people do us
20:24when people are like,
20:25they're over here
20:26making jokes
20:27but there's serious
20:28shit going on.
20:29Man,
20:29por que no los dos?
20:32But we're,
20:33like,
20:33we're literally comedians.
20:35He's literally
20:36the governor.
20:37Trump is literally
20:38the Trump
20:38and he's doing
20:39the same thing.
20:40Yeah,
20:40and he sucks.
20:41And he's getting
20:41a lot of shit done.
20:43He is.
20:44It's not good.
20:45But it's frequent
20:47and it is happening.
20:48I think Michael's
20:49antique desire
20:50for integrity
20:51is adorable.
20:56Now,
20:57it's hard to decide
20:59but maybe the dumbest thing
21:01Newsom has posted
21:02is this AI image
21:04of himself
21:04being prayed over
21:05by Kid Rock,
21:06and a Hulk Hogan angel.
21:12And you can tell it's AI
21:13because the fingers are weird
21:15and also Hulk Hogan
21:16is in heaven.
21:20That's what we think
21:22but how has the right
21:23responded
21:24to Gavin Newsom's
21:25spot on
21:26Trump impression?
21:28I would guess
21:29that they feel
21:29the same way
21:30Michael feels.
21:31Now,
21:31don't you think
21:32it's bad
21:32you got something
21:33in common with them?
21:34They responded
21:37by not getting
21:39the joke
21:40at all.
21:41Why is he spending
21:41all this time
21:42trying to be fresh
21:44with President Trump?
21:45Why doesn't he do
21:46his job?
21:47I don't know
21:47what he's trying to do
21:48but it comes across
21:49as childish
21:50and what are
21:52you're the governor
21:53of the biggest state
21:54in the union.
21:55What are you doing?
21:57Stop it
21:57with the Twitter thing.
21:58I don't know
21:59where his wife is.
22:00If I were his wife
22:01I would say
22:02you are making
22:03a fool of your
22:04stop it.
22:05That's what
22:06you sound like.
22:13I agree with them.
22:15Oh, yuck.
22:17Stop it.
22:17Stop it right now.
22:18But wait a minute.
22:19Like Pritzker
22:20the governor of Illinois
22:21is out there
22:22making the same
22:23exact points
22:24but doing it
22:25in a way
22:25that is
22:26mature
22:27intelligent
22:28rational
22:29reasonable
22:29and doesn't
22:30come across
22:31like he's just
22:31a needy little baby
22:32sucking at the teat
22:33of public attention
22:34which I think
22:34is what Gavin Newsom
22:35is doing.
22:36Those people
22:36already vote Democrat.
22:39We don't need
22:39their votes.
22:40We need
22:41the idiot votes.
22:42Let's get stupid.
22:44Let's do stupid memes.
22:46Let's have cartoons.
22:47You said
22:49you said we need
22:49to get the idiots
22:50to vote Democratic.
22:51Dave is already
22:52voting Democratic.
22:54If I could vote.
22:56Now it does seem
22:57to be working.
22:58The strategy
22:58seems to be working
22:59for Newsom.
23:00In 2025
23:01he's gained
23:01over 3 million followers
23:02across TikTok,
23:04Instagram,
23:05X,
23:05and Substack.
23:06Does anyone know
23:07how Newsom
23:08is going
23:09on the offensive
23:10now
23:10and taking
23:11the fight
23:12to Trump?
23:13So Newsom
23:13is saying
23:14fine Texas
23:14if you're going
23:15to do it,
23:15we're going
23:15to do it
23:16and they're
23:16trying to add
23:17congressional seats
23:18to California
23:19to offset the losses
23:20that may happen
23:21in Texas.
23:22November 4th,
23:23everybody needs
23:24to go vote
23:24in California.
23:26Go vote!
23:27Newsom has been
23:28mounting a huge fight
23:30against Trump's
23:30gerrymandering.
23:31According to
23:32the New York Times,
23:33quote,
23:34a redistricting
23:34arms race
23:36is quickly spreading
23:37across the country
23:38and as our boy
23:39Gavin put it,
23:40California will now
23:41draw new,
23:42more beautiful maps.
23:43They will be historic
23:45as they will end
23:46the Trump presidency.
23:48Thank you for your
23:49attention to this matter.
23:51So he's fighting fire
23:52with fire essentially.
23:54But here's the thing.
23:55If the goal
23:56is to put out fire,
23:59why are you adding fire?
24:01Because you're not
24:01going to put out
24:02the fire with more fire.
24:03That's not true.
24:04That's what they do
24:04for forest fires
24:05all the time.
24:05Shut up, Dave.
24:08Something called
24:09a backfire.
24:10Yeah.
24:13Three District
24:14and Hulk Hogan AI.
24:16Let's see if we can
24:17make it to midterms.
24:19Who is this offender?
24:22That's President Xi.
24:23Yes.
24:24Who did he offend?
24:26Is it because
24:27he doesn't want
24:29the Epstein files
24:30to be released?
24:31And if he looks pissed,
24:33that means he's on the list.
24:35Is that true?
24:36That is Chinese President
24:38Xi Jinping.
24:40He offended President
24:41Donald J. Trump
24:42when he didn't invite
24:44Trump to the
24:45big dictator sleepover
24:46earlier this week.
24:48Well, when you say
24:48big dick like that,
24:49he's not going
24:50to get invited.
24:55In Beijing on Wednesday,
24:57Xi presided over
24:58a massive military parade
25:00with guest Vladimir Putin.
25:02Kim Jong-un was also
25:04on hand to watch
25:05the big show,
25:05but Trump wasn't
25:07invited,
25:08so he did what
25:09he always does
25:10when he sees his friends
25:11hanging out without him.
25:12He posted about it.
25:14May President Xi
25:15and the wonderful people
25:16of China have a great
25:17and lasting day
25:18of celebration.
25:19Please give my warmest
25:20regards to Vladimir Putin
25:21and Kim Jong-un
25:22as you conspire
25:23against the United States
25:25of America.
25:27President Donald J. Trump.
25:29That's a great
25:29Arnold Schwarzenegger, though.
25:31Trump didn't get invited,
25:36which I feel like,
25:37to be fair to Putin,
25:38he probably was like,
25:39my bad, dude.
25:39I thought you was dead.
25:40I had heard it.
25:42Trump was obviously
25:43annoyed by this,
25:44so who did he call
25:47instead after this snub?
25:49You've been snubbed
25:50by these people?
25:50You've got to call
25:51somebody and have a friend.
25:53He should call
25:53one of their friends.
25:55Did he?
25:56Do they have other friends?
25:57Trump said he was calling
26:00Ukrainian President
26:02Zelensky this week.
26:04Yes, we about to petty
26:06our way to a peace deal.
26:08You see they're over there
26:09meeting without us.
26:11Mm-hmm.
26:11Yes.
26:14I don't know why
26:15I added that to Trump.
26:16That was the offender meter.
26:19Welcome back.
26:28It's time for Lie Curious.
26:30I give you three
26:31biographical details
26:32about a public figure,
26:33but only one is true.
26:35You have to guess
26:36which is the truth
26:36and which are filthy,
26:38funky lies.
26:39Let's get started.
26:40Time now for three facts
26:42about New York City
26:43mayoral candidate
26:45Zoran Mondani.
26:46Woo!
26:47Woo!
26:47Woo!
26:47Woo!
26:47Woo!
26:47Woo!
26:48Woo!
26:48Woo!
26:48Woo!
26:48Woo!
26:48Woo!
26:48Woo!
26:49Mondani, seen here
26:51watching Eric Adams
26:52bribe a reporter
26:53with a briefcase
26:53full of Funyuns.
26:56Our facts about
26:57Mondani are
26:58his favorite
26:59Sex in the City
27:00character is Miranda.
27:02He's taken every
27:03bus route
27:03in New York City.
27:04He's appeared
27:05in an episode
27:06of Nailed It.
27:07Oh.
27:08Which is the truth,
27:09panel?
27:09I think it has to be
27:10bus routes.
27:10I think it's bus routes.
27:11I think it's bus routes.
27:11Yeah.
27:11I want it to be Miranda.
27:15I'm gonna agree.
27:17We're going with Miranda.
27:18All right.
27:18She ran for governor
27:19of New York.
27:20She did.
27:21Cynthia Nixon.
27:22Cynthia Nixon.
27:22All right.
27:22It's Miranda all day long.
27:24Here he is answering
27:26the question,
27:27who's his favorite
27:28Sex in the City character?
27:30Miranda, Miranda,
27:30Miranda, Miranda.
27:31Okay.
27:32All-time Miranda.
27:35Miranda, Miranda, Miranda.
27:37Hey, y'all.
27:37Good job.
27:38Okay.
27:39Hey, up.
27:40His favorite character
27:41is Miranda.
27:42Andrew Cuomo
27:43was asked the same question.
27:44He said,
27:44the one with the knockers.
27:49We know that Mom Donnie
27:50loves his pop culture,
27:52but his skill set
27:52doesn't stop there.
27:54In the early 2000s,
27:55he also had another talent.
27:56No.
27:57No.
27:57What surprise talent?
27:59What surprise talent.
28:02No.
28:02I can smell it fucking
28:03and I swear to God,
28:05if you show this guy rapping,
28:07I will kill each other.
28:08Yes, because in the previous
28:1020 episodes of this show,
28:11we've shown a lot of clips
28:12of people rapping
28:13who shouldn't be rapping.
28:14Doesn't mean that we have
28:16another clip of somebody rapping.
28:19He was a rapper.
28:20No.
28:21His stage name
28:23was Mr. Cardamom
28:25and yes,
28:26we have a clip.
28:28No.
28:29Go ahead,
28:30make a rap for your night.
28:31It's a rap.
28:31Get the glass,
28:32make a rap for your night.
28:33Come on through,
28:34give a dab to your night.
28:37Uh-oh,
28:38I like it a little bit.
28:39He's fun.
28:40It's fun.
28:41That's too much
28:42mayoral nipple for me.
28:44I don't ever want
28:45to see my mayor's nipples,
28:46not ever.
28:47Now, speaking of that,
28:49Eric Adams made
28:50a big announcement
28:51on Friday.
28:52Does anyone know
28:53what Eric Adams'
28:54big announcement was?
28:56That he got another Eric?
28:59He called his homie.
29:01He called Trump.
29:03He told him,
29:04Trump,
29:05I will come
29:05and work for you
29:06and get out this race
29:08so that hopefully
29:09my dummy can lose.
29:10Okay.
29:11Now, that is a lot
29:12of the rumored speculation.
29:13Friday evening,
29:14Eric Adams held
29:15a press conference
29:16to say he was staying
29:18in the New York
29:19mayoral race.
29:20Here he is making
29:21the announcement
29:22Friday evening.
29:23I committed myself
29:24and dedicated myself
29:25to a city
29:26that I love.
29:28And I'm going
29:29to continue to do that.
29:31This polo shirt
29:32that I'm wearing
29:33that says Eric Adams,
29:34mayor of the city
29:35of New York,
29:36I'm going to wear that
29:37for another four years.
29:39He should change
29:42shirts.
29:42Yeah, you got to
29:43wash that shirt.
29:44That's not a good idea.
29:46That's a terrible idea.
29:46So if I just get
29:47a polo shirt,
29:48I can be mayor?
29:50It seems like
29:51Eric Adams held
29:52a press conference
29:53to say Trump
29:53wouldn't give him a job.
29:56Now, because it's
29:58Eric Adams,
29:58he also said this.
30:01Andrew Cuomo
30:01is a snake
30:02and a liar.
30:03I am in this race
30:06and I'm the only one
30:08that can beat
30:09Vandana.
30:11Is Zoran going to win?
30:14I'll live here.
30:19Time for three facts
30:20about Janine Puro.
30:22Oh.
30:23Oh.
30:24She was named
30:25one of People Magazine's
30:26most beautiful people
30:27in 1997.
30:29Oh.
30:29She lost 1.4 million
30:31investing in a
30:32glamping company.
30:33She qualified
30:34for the 92 Olympics
30:36in race walking.
30:39Which one
30:40is the truth?
30:41Each one of these
30:42is a winner.
30:43This is great.
30:44Well, I guess
30:45just because I'm petty,
30:47I want to go
30:47for the most negative one,
30:49which is that
30:49she lost 1.4 million
30:51dollars.
30:51Because I don't want
30:52to think of anything
30:53happy ever happening
30:54for her.
30:55I'm a hater too,
30:56so I'm down
30:57for number two.
30:58I like the idea
30:59of number two,
31:00but I want to say
31:01it's number one.
31:02No.
31:03I don't want
31:03her to be pretty.
31:06Janine Puro
31:07was named
31:07one of People Magazine's
31:0950 Most Beautiful
31:10People in 1997.
31:12Show us the evidence.
31:14This is, of course,
31:15at a time in the world
31:15when there was
31:16only 51 people.
31:18Here she is
31:19in 1997
31:21in all her glory.
31:22Oh, my God.
31:23She's beautiful.
31:24I would ignore
31:25her politics.
31:25That was like
31:28Curious.
31:29More after the break.
31:40Welcome back.
31:41It's time
31:42for Missing Words.
31:47Here's your headline.
31:49Man builds blank
31:50for his cats.
31:51A sense
31:53of yearning.
31:55A castle.
31:57Oh.
31:58A castle.
31:59Man builds
32:00fully functional
32:01mini subway station
32:02for the cats.
32:02Oh, my God.
32:05Nothing cats
32:06love more
32:06than commuting.
32:09A YouTuber
32:10Zinesworld
32:11spent four months
32:12building something
32:13called
32:14Cat Town Station,
32:15which he unveiled
32:16earlier this summer.
32:17Please take a look
32:19at this.
32:27What the fuck
32:29is that?
32:30Is he rich?
32:32Is that in his home?
32:33Is this a functional
32:35subway?
32:35Where are they going?
32:37Why aren't there
32:38more cats
32:39in the subway?
32:40They're not going
32:40to recoup this money.
32:42The subway station
32:43isn't the only thing
32:43he's built for his cats.
32:45On his YouTube channel,
32:46he's also documented
32:47the construction
32:48of a cat movie theater
32:50and a cat supermarket.
32:53Aw.
32:54Does anyone know
32:56what Cat City feature
32:57he most recently unveiled?
33:00Is it a hair salon?
33:02I want it to be a hair salon.
33:03Tattoo parlor.
33:05Cat-too parlor.
33:07It's a brand new
33:09Cat McDonald's.
33:11Oh, my.
33:12Yeah, buddy.
33:14You even got
33:14an asshole cat manager
33:16there telling you.
33:16We don't serve breakfast
33:18after 10.30.
33:19It's 10.33.
33:20You got a biscuit back there.
33:24Here's your headline.
33:26Connecticut man collects blank.
33:28I mean, it sounds
33:29like it wants to rhyme.
33:31Connecticut man collects
33:33Confederate jam.
33:36Aw.
33:37Good job.
33:38Is it Confederate jam?
33:39Is it Confederate jam, Roy?
33:40Connecticut man collects
33:41more than 3,800 pairs of Crocs.
33:44No.
33:45Life is about having fun,
33:47living, simple as that.
33:49Dubbed the Croc King,
33:51Doogie has more than
33:513,500 pairs of them.
33:53Doogie Sand Tiger.
33:55Excellent.
33:56Excellent name.
33:57That's a great name.
33:57A Connecticut man known
33:58as the Croc King
34:00set a Guinness World Record
34:01for the biggest single collection
34:03with 3,569 pairs of Crocs,
34:07but according to his Instagram
34:08at the time of this taping,
34:10he's already passed that number
34:11with 3,814 pairs of Crocs.
34:16Yeah.
34:16I like that.
34:18This is how rich people
34:19should be acting.
34:20Instead of, like,
34:21influencing an entire administration?
34:23No, absolutely not.
34:24They should be like,
34:25I built a playground for snakes.
34:27That's right.
34:28They're right.
34:29All right, here's your headline.
34:30Eric Trump gets blank
34:32in Bizarre Stunt.
34:34Eric Trump gets
34:35the love of his father?
34:37Oh.
34:38Oh.
34:39Eric Trump gets swung around
34:41by a sumo wrestler
34:42in Bizarre Stunt.
34:45While visiting Japan,
34:47Eric posted a clip
34:48to his Instagram.
34:49Please take a look at this.
34:51I'm sorry,
34:55I think there was
34:55something wrong
34:55with the audio on that.
34:56Can we...
34:57Yeah, play it again
34:59with the audio.
35:06Whee!
35:08Who can tell me
35:09why Eric Trump
35:10was in Japan
35:11in the first damn place?
35:13I don't know the answer,
35:14but I know
35:14it involves corruption.
35:16Was he, like,
35:17buying tigers?
35:19No, it's corruption.
35:19Eric was in town
35:24for a shareholder meeting
35:25of the Bitcoin exchange
35:26that his dad co-founded,
35:28which began publicly
35:29trading crypto this week.
35:32Would anybody like to guess
35:33how much money
35:35the Trump family made
35:37in the first day
35:39of trading this week?
35:42Uh, the answer is
35:43$5 billion.
35:45Yes.
35:46Which is why
35:47I'm announcing Roy Bucks.
35:49Would you like money?
35:52Get on the exchange today
35:54and purchase you
35:55some Roy Bucks.
36:01Let's make some words
36:02more after the break.
36:03Welcome back to
36:12Have I Got News For You.
36:13It's time for
36:14Meet In The Middle
36:15where we find common ground
36:16between two people
36:17who would never be caught
36:18hanging out.
36:19First up,
36:20on one side,
36:21we have Jill Stein,
36:22Benny Blanco,
36:23Andrew Cuomo,
36:25and Billy Bob Thornton.
36:26On the other side,
36:27there's Brad Pitt,
36:28Bernie Sanders,
36:29Sylvester Stallone,
36:30and Sofia Patrillo
36:32from The Golden Girls.
36:35We've got Mommy Sirius.
36:38Which two of these people
36:39have psychic moms?
36:41I think it's Sylvester Stallone.
36:42I think his mother
36:43is a psychic.
36:44I don't know why
36:44this came to me.
36:45Maybe because I'm psychic.
36:47Yeah.
36:48I think it's Sylvester Stallone
36:49and Billy Bob Thornton.
36:51Final answer.
36:52The answer,
36:53Billy Bob Thornton
36:54and Sylvester Stallone.
36:55Oh!
36:57They both had moms
36:59who claimed to be psychic.
37:00Billy Bob's mom predicted
37:02that he would one day
37:03win an Oscar,
37:04while Sylvester Stallone's mom,
37:06Jackie,
37:07even had her own
37:08psychic hotline.
37:09That's right.
37:10I remember that.
37:11Does anybody know
37:12what body part
37:13Jackie claims
37:14she can read
37:15to predict your future?
37:18Is it the nips?
37:19You can tell us
37:21if it's nipples.
37:23She specialized
37:24in rumpology,
37:27the art of reading
37:28the lines, crevices,
37:30dimples, and folds
37:31of the ass.
37:34I was a rumpologist
37:35in college.
37:38Studied a lot of crevices.
37:41Next up,
37:42it's Folk Around
37:44and Find Out.
37:45Which two of these people
37:46released folk albums?
37:48I kind of want
37:49to say Benny and Bernie
37:50just because it sounds
37:51good together.
37:52I like your reasoning
37:53and I would like
37:54to double down on it.
37:55The answer is
37:56Bernie Sanders
37:57and Jill Stein
37:58both released folk albums.
38:02Back in 1987,
38:03Bernie Sanders
38:04dropped this hit.
38:05I saw below me
38:07that Golden Valley.
38:09This land was made
38:13for you and me.
38:15There's my Donnie
38:16when you need them.
38:18And Jill Stein
38:20was part of a 90s folk rock
38:21outfit in Boston
38:22called Somebody's Sister.
38:24When the night's at home.
38:26When the night's at home.
38:27She's a woman
38:28who must dance.
38:34I liked it!
38:38It was so bad
38:40that it made me happy.
38:43Let's do Holden showers.
38:46Which two of these people
38:47say they do not shower
38:49every day?
38:50Well, I think Brad Pitt
38:52I do believe
38:53donates his pheromones
38:55to charity.
38:56So he is not allowed
38:58to shower every day.
38:59Brad Pitt
39:00and Benny Blanco
39:02have said
39:02they do not shower
39:04every day.
39:05Brad Pitt
39:06told Eli Roth
39:07that he uses baby wipes
39:08instead of showering
39:09saying, quote,
39:11I got six kids, man.
39:12I'm getting peed on all day.
39:13I don't have time
39:15to take a shower.
39:16You see,
39:17the pee is the shower.
39:18Yes.
39:20And, uh,
39:21Benny Blanco
39:21told Interview Magazine
39:23that he doesn't shower often
39:25but when he does
39:26it's intense.
39:28Okay.
39:29I might not get
39:30to shower every day.
39:30Do you cry in the shower?
39:32Sometimes you just
39:32have to have a good cry.
39:33I always get
39:34death realizations
39:35when I'm in the shower.
39:38We didn't get
39:38to Andrew Cuomo
39:39and Sofia Petrillo
39:40but they're both
39:41famously Italian
39:42and neither will ever
39:43be mayor of New York.
39:45More after the break.
39:48Welcome back.
39:51It's time for
39:51Which is Higher?
39:52I'll give you
39:53two unrelated numbers
39:54from the news.
39:55You tell me
39:56which is higher?
39:58The price of
39:59Naomi Osaka's
40:00limited edition
40:01La Boo Boo
40:02or a personalized video
40:04from John McEnroe's
40:05brother Patrick
40:06on Cameo?
40:08I think it's
40:09the expensive
40:10Naomi Osaka La Boo Boo.
40:12I think it's
40:13got to be
40:13Patrick McEnroe
40:14because some
40:15rando on Cameo
40:17has to be
40:18more expensive
40:19than this stupid thing.
40:21Naomi Osaka's
40:23La Boo Boo
40:23is named
40:24Billie Jean Bling.
40:26Yes.
40:26So good.
40:27That's good.
40:28And it costs
40:28$495
40:30while the cost
40:32of a Cameo
40:32with tennis commentator
40:33Patrick McEnroe
40:34is $115.
40:37Billie Jean Bling
40:38is higher.
40:39In fact
40:40Have I Got News
40:41for You
40:42ordered a Cameo
40:43from Patrick McEnroe
40:44ourselves.
40:46He's a huge
40:47fan of this show.
40:48Hey there
40:49it's Patrick McEnroe
40:50coming to you
40:51live from the
40:52U.S. Open.
40:53Have I Got News
40:54for You?
40:55Here to wish you
40:55all a happy
40:57fall premiere.
40:59What's that?
40:59Yeah.
41:00No I've never
41:01heard of it.
41:02I don't know.
41:02I think it's some
41:03child's YouTube
41:04channel or something.
41:05I just made
41:05$100.
41:06That was
41:07Witches Higher.
41:07I want to thank
41:08our guest tonight
41:09Dave Foley
41:10and Representative
41:10Jasmine Crockett.
41:12And of course
41:13thank you to
41:14our team captains
41:15Amber Ruffin
41:16and Michael
41:17Ian Black.
41:18Before we sign off
41:20here are a few
41:20more stories
41:21we're watching.
41:22J.D. Vance
41:23hugs all the
41:24people that
41:25love him.
41:28Politician
41:29remembers
41:29he's Ted Cruz.
41:34I'm Roy Wood Jr.
41:35and I'll see you
41:35next week for
41:36another episode
41:37of Have I Got
41:37News for You.
41:38My book
41:38The Man of
41:39Many Fathers
41:39is available
41:40for pre-order
41:41today and drops
41:42October 28th
41:43and on that same
41:43day I'm headed
41:44out on a national
41:45book tour.
41:46Check my website
41:46RoyWoodJr.com
41:48We're gonna laugh
41:48we're gonna read
41:49we're gonna have
41:49a good ass time.
41:50We will see you
41:51next week
41:51and remember
41:52the National Guard
41:53is still being
41:54deployed for no
41:55good damn
41:56reason.
41:57Good night.
41:58Gonna see you
41:59again
42:05and
42:07thank you
42:08for the
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