- 4 months ago
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00:00Welcome to Crowd Control, the improvised stand-up show where the audience is the material.
00:09On tonight's lineup, from RuPaul's Drag Race and The Traitor's, Bob the Drag Queen.
00:15Her new special, Spiraling, is out now on Amazon and Apple TV+.
00:20It's Leah Rudick.
00:22And from Dimension 20 and Worlds Beyond Number, Brennan Lee Mulligan.
00:26And here's your host, Jacquees Neal.
00:36Welcome to Crowd Control.
00:39Tonight, I have three of my favorite comedians who are here to turn your lives into stand-up comedy.
00:47And they're going to do so by doing some good old-fashioned crowd work.
00:50Which means that if the show is a disaster, they are going to blame all of you.
00:54But at the end of tonight's show, you all will be choosing the winner.
01:00Oh, that's right.
01:01It's like voting.
01:02The power's in your hand.
01:05We can do better than we did the last one.
01:08And you are going to choose that winner from one of these three fantastic comedians.
01:13Let's talk to them right now.
01:14What's up, y'all?
01:15How y'all doing tonight?
01:16Looking good.
01:20Bob, you're one of the best performers on the planet.
01:22Also, one of the best drag queens on the planet.
01:27When it's right, it's right, honey.
01:29What is the difference between doing crowd work at a drag show and doing crowd work at a stand-up comedy show?
01:35Well, how many of you have ever been to a gay bar before?
01:37Woo!
01:37This is L.A.
01:40Well, the drinks are poured a lot heavier at a gay bar.
01:46And also, I will say, too, every gay guy watching you thinks he's funnier than you, better than you, and can wear your dress more fiercely than you can.
01:54You've got to work hard for those laughs.
01:55Meanwhile, nobody here thinks we can wear what you got on.
01:58Oh, thank you.
01:59You know what I'm saying?
02:00What's up, Leah?
02:01How you doing tonight?
02:02I'm so good.
02:03I'm so happy to be here.
02:04Oh, yeah, yeah.
02:06Stop that.
02:08So I've got to know, do you still get nervous before you do crowd work?
02:11I feel like I get more nervous talking to people in real life.
02:14So this is bad.
02:15This is my nightmare.
02:17But I'm excited for this.
02:20Brennan Lee Mulligan!
02:23You are OG in the improv world, in the sketch world, in the tabletop world.
02:29So as a seasoned stand-up comedian...
02:31I want to be clear.
02:32I didn't ask me to be here, okay?
02:34I'm excited to have you, my man.
02:37Excited to have all three of you.
02:38Good luck.
02:38Have fun tonight.
02:39That's our comedians!
02:43We met them.
02:45I think it's time for them to meet you all.
02:48Here's what's going to happen.
02:49I'm going to bring a comic up here one by one, and they're going to do their best to make you laugh.
02:54And in each round that we play today, they're going to do that until I give them the red light.
03:00Bam!
03:01I'm colorblind, so that means nothing to me.
03:04And I think it's no better time to start but right now.
03:06So please, welcome to the stage, Bob the Drag Queen!
03:17Well, I have to ask about this hat.
03:20What's your name?
03:21Zandiloquence Bizarre.
03:22No.
03:24No.
03:25Where are you from?
03:26I'm from Chicago area.
03:27I love having an exciting name like Zandiloquence, but like, where are you from?
03:30It's like, Des Moines.
03:33So can you tell me about this hat?
03:34Yeah, it's green.
03:36Because I'm colorblind!
03:38Wow!
03:40The ableism is crazy!
03:44I don't see color.
03:46Who made this hat?
03:47Do you know who made it?
03:47I made it, yeah.
03:48You made it.
03:49So is it a haberdasher?
03:51A milliner.
03:51A milliner.
03:52All right.
03:54That's what it's called!
03:56So do you make hats like, is this your first one you made?
03:58I've made a lot of hats like this, but this material is the first.
04:02What is it made of?
04:03It's made out of cucumber.
04:05The whole hat is made of cucumbers?
04:08Yeah, it's made entirely out of dried cucumber.
04:11Can I smell this hat, please?
04:15I'm holding a salad.
04:20There is tinfoil.
04:25This is definitely a hat a conspiracy theorist would wear.
04:30You don't want them to steal my great hat ideas.
04:33I got a plane-tane hat coming up.
04:37I don't want them to take it.
04:39All right, let me hand that back to you.
04:42What's your name?
04:43Zach.
04:43What do you do for a living?
04:44I am a data analyst.
04:46I feel like we picked the most person with the most exciting thing next to the person who was the most boring possible.
04:52My name is Quintilius Zachary, Zachary Booncow.
04:56My name is Zach, and I'm a data analyst.
04:59Like, what do you have hobbies, though, yeah?
05:01I crochet, I play the piano.
05:03Are you one of those, like, I see a piano and I just start playing it?
05:06Yeah.
05:07Because the piano is one of the only instruments you can really do.
05:09You can't pick up someone's flute, you know what I mean?
05:12And just put your mouth all over it.
05:14It is socially acceptable to see a piano and just slide your fingers across it, you know what I mean?
05:19What would you say on a scale of one to ten, ten being like Johann Sebastian Bach and zero being like a Looney Tune?
05:27I guess, like, an eight?
05:29Bring out the piano!
05:32That's it for Bob the Track, please!
05:36I can honestly say that's the first time anybody's ever smelled a hat on stage.
05:41We're breaking ground here at Crowd Control.
05:43Please welcome to the stage Leah Rudick, everybody!
05:49Oh my goodness, what fun this is.
05:54Why is there just one weird fucking hat guy?
05:56Where are the other weird hats?
05:58I feel like I want to talk to the most normal-looking person in the room because I feel like you're going to be the biggest freak.
06:04You, sir.
06:07Do you know this guy?
06:08Did you just meet?
06:09We're together.
06:10You're here together.
06:11Are you a couple?
06:11Yes.
06:12Mm.
06:13Mm.
06:14Found them.
06:16What are your names?
06:18Chris.
06:19Chris?
06:19I'm Christian.
06:20Did you meet on a Christian dating site?
06:24Quite the opposite.
06:25Quite the opposite.
06:26A Satan dating site.
06:30What was the site?
06:31Uh, Growler.
06:32Growler.
06:33I think I know what that is.
06:35It's exactly what you think it is.
06:38Help me out here.
06:39Christian just gave an across-the-room look to Bob.
06:43We all, I think we all did.
06:45So, Growler is, um, what it, um.
06:50Now tell us what you think it is, Leah.
06:53Well, I know a Growler is a jug for beer.
06:57It's a, it's a, it's a sort of, uh, receptacle of sorts.
07:01Um, would you say this is a site full of receptacles?
07:06Oh, absolutely.
07:07Absolutely.
07:08Absolutely.
07:09Who sent the first line to whom?
07:12I think it was me.
07:13Yeah.
07:13You were like, your name is, like mine, but missing three letters.
07:18That's what I would do if I was trying to pick up someone.
07:22Leave me alone.
07:23I think it kind of, it started as a hookup.
07:28Ooh.
07:30Ooh, you, we live different lives.
07:32Um, so you invited him over to your place, or did you do it in, like, a bathroom, uh, or?
07:39I invited him.
07:41And did you have drinks?
07:42No.
07:42No growlers.
07:45Did you just get to it?
07:46Did you kiss a little bit?
07:47Oh, yeah.
07:49Did you do tongue stuff?
07:50You did?
07:53Do you do tongue stuff, sir?
07:56Yes.
07:57You guys are a bunch of perverts.
07:59I love it.
08:00What's your name?
08:01Andrew.
08:02You've got a little, a cute little wallet there.
08:04What's in that?
08:04Just a little bag.
08:06It's cute.
08:07Yeah.
08:07It's full of tissues.
08:09Oh, it's a bag in a bag.
08:11Yeah.
08:11I'm going to go back to talking to Christian.
08:14That's it for Liam.
08:15Broding, everybody.
08:16Please, put your hands together for Brennan Lee Mulligan!
08:27How we doing?
08:29Your name is Sheer.
08:31We have a pre-existing relationship.
08:33The integrity of the audience is contaminated.
08:36Sheer, how you doing?
08:37Doing good.
08:38How are you?
08:38Sheer was a former improv student of mine.
08:41Nepo, baby.
08:44Sheer, how you doing?
08:45How have you been?
08:46Pretty good.
08:46There have been some rough years in the middle, I think, for everyone.
08:49What specifically?
08:51What were you doing during those years for work?
08:54Like, medical stuff.
08:57Is it secret?
08:58Or?
08:59It's kind of like an escape room.
09:02Now, you've said something insane, Sheer.
09:04You work in a medical escape room?
09:06That's a nightmare.
09:08I mean, you could be referring to the American health care system,
09:11which is sort of like a medical escape room.
09:14Hi.
09:14What's your name?
09:15Myesha.
09:15I noticed you clapping quite socialistically over in the corner.
09:19I'm trying to think of a sort of more clever way,
09:22but is there something crazy about you that would be...
09:24Is there something absolutely wild about you that would be cool to know?
09:29I'm a tour guide at Universal Studios.
09:31What's the spot on the tour that, like, gets people the most hype?
09:34What's the area that you're, like, the most into?
09:35Hill Valley, Back to the Future.
09:36Do they see the spot where a guy almost fucks his mom?
09:39Or does that take me straight to the part where he almost fucks his mom?
09:44I don't need to see the DeLorean.
09:46Just right to the mom fucking.
09:49We were told backstage to kind of move through the crowd to cover as many people as possible.
09:54I am going to left curve on that and go back to Zandiloquence.
10:00So your name is Zandiloquence Bazaar.
10:02Oh, yeah, it's a pseudonym.
10:04I assumed.
10:04For the making of the cucumber hats, I thought that I needed a name.
10:09You need it to protect your real identity?
10:12If people know I'm making these sick hats, they'll hurt my family.
10:16Is that your profession?
10:18Yeah, a little bit.
10:19What's the main hustle?
10:20I edit videos.
10:21That's probably, like, 99% of the hustle.
10:24I'm not your accountant, but if I'm looking at the pie chart,
10:26I feel like cucumber hat.
10:28Very skinny slice.
10:29Brandon, I feel like you should smell this hat, too.
10:31Brandon got to smell this hat.
10:34Completely odorless.
10:40And that's it for Brandon Lee Mulligan, everybody!
10:46You know, a wise man once told me, it's getting hot in here.
10:50So, audience, please remove your top layer!
10:57Comics, what you are about to see are folks in front of you who are here for a fascinating reason,
11:02and that reason is written right on their shirts.
11:06Your job is simple.
11:07Pick a shirt.
11:08Make us laugh.
11:09And I feel like there's no better person to do that than Brandon Lee Mulligan.
11:19Immediately drawn to nothing but an elf thang.
11:21I see prosthetic woodland ears, and I know I am with my people.
11:28What's your name?
11:29Zakiya.
11:30Zakiya.
11:30In what ways do you embrace elvendom in your life?
11:34I'm really attached to the elvish language.
11:36Ooh, Quenya or Sindarin?
11:38Sindarin.
11:39Sindarin.
11:39Beautiful.
11:40I've alienated everyone.
11:43This show is about me and Zakiya now.
11:44You can all, frankly, go home.
11:47Sindarin and Quenya are two of the elven languages depicted in the Silmarillion by Tolkien.
11:52Okay, okay.
11:53Fucking read a book, okay?
11:57What drew you to that?
11:57So I had a Lark character that needed to learn some phrases, and then the PDF was opened.
12:03You had an elven character, and you were like,
12:05I'm going to open up a doc just to get some phrases,
12:07and then you're like,
12:08Oh, Morgoth, who is Melkor?
12:10Tell me more.
12:11I just saw the actual Lord of the Rings this year.
12:15Sorry, Zakiya, you learned elven before you read Lord of the Rings?
12:20Absolutely astounding.
12:22I see a shirt over here that says,
12:24uh, wardrobe.
12:27I have a large enough kink collection that it required an entire wardrobe,
12:32so it's called a wardrobe.
12:34It may seem like a segue to move from a LARPer to a kinkster.
12:37I'm going to tell you this right now.
12:39When you go to the Ren Faire, and you see someone in period clothing,
12:43they own anywhere from 10 to 40 dildos.
12:47What is that overlap?
12:48I feel like dragons are neat, and like, you know.
12:51How did your kink closet come together?
12:56Just over the years collecting stuff, but unfortunately she died in a move,
13:00so now it's just all in my couch.
13:02What do you mean in your couch?
13:03I come over to your house, and I'm like,
13:05Oh, it's so great to see you.
13:06Brrrr.
13:08Something's wrong with the sofa.
13:10I'm going to go ahead and actually move back to Chris and Christian over here.
13:13What separates Growler from Grindr?
13:16Growler is for bigger, hairier men.
13:19Bears.
13:20So you're saying there's a company with a new staff of people
13:24and a new chief executive suite being like,
13:27Our business model is totally different.
13:29Our guys are hairy.
13:31Absolutely.
13:31So in other words, that couldn't be a toggled-on setting on Grindr.
13:36That has to be its whole separate own service.
13:39It is a toggle setting on Grindr, and not a lot of people use it.
13:42Shame on you, Brennan.
13:44Me?
13:45Shame on you.
13:46What pull do I have at Grindr to make decisions happen?
13:50That's it for Brennan Lee Mulligan, everybody.
13:53Let's keep the energy up for Bob the Drag Queen!
14:01I'm afraid, and you know I'm talking to you,
14:06but there's someone even scarier standing behind you,
14:10and your shirt says, failed assassin.
14:12I almost accidentally hit Tucker Carlson with my car.
14:16The Fox News guy?
14:19Hold on, Bob.
14:25No, this is...
14:26Well, I must ask, what is your name?
14:32My name is Regan.
14:32Regan was like, I almost accidentally hit him,
14:35and then put the car in reverse,
14:36and then put it in drive,
14:38and then parked on top of him,
14:39and then got out of the car,
14:40and then slammed his head in the door five times,
14:43and then he ran into my knife.
14:44He ran into my knife.
14:46My knife.
14:47If you said that, you're gay.
14:51Now, I know what a May December is.
14:53May December is when you're in a relationship
14:54with someone older than you,
14:55and to be fair, even if you didn't have the shirts on,
14:57I could...
14:58So, how old are you?
14:5929.
15:00My God.
15:01And how old are you, December?
15:02Guess.
15:04Honestly?
15:05Okay, I'm happy to guess.
15:06What's your favorite Madonna song?
15:08I can't even think of one.
15:09You can't even think of one?
15:11Really old.
15:11The brain...
15:12The brain is cooked.
15:15What's the first record you ever bought,
15:16like, with your own money?
15:17Stayin' Alive by the Peejee.
15:19Stayin' Alive by the Peejee.
15:23He was like, my first album,
15:24I ever purchased was a maple leaf rag
15:26by Scott Joplin.
15:30That was a real suck-hoppin' number back then.
15:34So, I'm gonna say you're probably, uh, 62.
15:3761.
15:38Very good.
15:38What?
15:46So, you have a daddy thing.
15:47I do have a daddy.
15:48Are you intimidated by that big baby
15:50sittin' over there in the corner?
15:51I don't know.
15:53Are you gay, big baby?
15:55Bi.
15:55Everyone's bi today.
15:56There's no one...
15:57No, there's no...
15:57There's no straight people left in Hollywood.
15:59We got rid of them.
16:00Well, she tried to run one over
16:01last time she saw one.
16:03She's like, how dare you be straight?
16:06How long you been together?
16:08It was five years this year.
16:09Oh, my God.
16:10So, people probably think, like,
16:14you're all together for the money, honey.
16:17Do people say that a lot?
16:17Once, uh, at Disney Springs over in Orlando,
16:20I had bought my own things.
16:23I had bags of Legos.
16:24Nothing says I'm the adult.
16:26Like, I bought my own Legos.
16:30I'll have you know
16:32Daddy didn't buy these Legos.
16:34Now, okay, DM.
16:37Direct messages?
16:38No.
16:39Dungeon Master?
16:40Close.
16:40Oh!
16:42Stands for Dungeon Monitor.
16:44I know what that is.
16:45So, you're a kinkster.
16:46Mm-hmm.
16:47Do you engage in kink
16:48or do you just watch the kink?
16:49Yep, yep, that's kinky.
16:51All of the above.
16:52What kink are you into?
16:53Um, I do a lot of various kinds of edge play.
16:56You gay, bro?
16:58So, you like to be edge,
16:59you like to edge?
17:00Yes.
17:02Can you have him tell us what edge is?
17:04Oh, my God.
17:05I forgot we have Leah here
17:06who doesn't know what edging is.
17:07He's like,
17:08and that's when you walk
17:09on the very edge
17:09with your growler.
17:11It sounds dangerous.
17:13Don't do that.
17:14So, edging is when you get someone
17:15really, really, really close to the coming
17:16and you're like,
17:17psych.
17:19Edge play specifically refers
17:21to more extreme kinks,
17:23so things that fall under, like,
17:25blood or knife play.
17:28For edge play,
17:29you have to negotiate
17:30and be very clear.
17:31So, you're an administrator
17:33at the dungeon.
17:33Yeah.
17:34I know everyone's like,
17:35whatever you've done,
17:35that's the craziest thing you've seen,
17:38but I want to hear about you
17:39back at the office
17:39trying to get this fiscal year
17:41closed up.
17:42You know what I mean?
17:42I want to see you close the dungeon,
17:44walk into just a room
17:45with just cinder blocks
17:46one table,
17:47you're like,
17:47man, these numbers
17:48are not adding up.
17:49That's Bob!
17:51Yay!
17:53I also love Bob's face.
17:54Once you explained edge play,
17:55he was like,
17:56damn, that's not what I was thinking.
17:57You also made Leah blush.
18:01You almost made me faint.
18:03You almost made me faint.
18:04So, before she faints,
18:06let's get her on stage.
18:07Welcome back to the stage,
18:08Leah Rooney!
18:09Oh, my God.
18:15I love that this room
18:16is just full of kinky LARPers.
18:19Wait, okay,
18:20we have to address
18:21Big Baby right in the middle here.
18:23Do you do adult baby stuff?
18:27No.
18:27Oh, okay.
18:28Why would you say that?
18:31Leah!
18:32Can you define
18:34what adult baby stuff is?
18:35I think it's edging.
18:37I don't know.
18:40What's your name?
18:41Rory.
18:42Rory, tell me about
18:43being a big baby.
18:44Well, I broke the record
18:45for the biggest baby
18:46ever born at my hospital.
18:49Wow.
18:49What were you coming in at?
18:5011 pounds, 7 ounces.
18:52Have you met any other
18:53world champions?
18:57Give it up for Rory.
18:59Oh, where to even,
19:01where to even go?
19:04Mannequin criminal.
19:05Specifically,
19:06mannequin hands.
19:07You guys are wild.
19:08What?
19:08This is like...
19:10And baby arms.
19:12Watch out, Big Baby.
19:14I don't know.
19:15We just thought
19:16it would be really funny
19:16to take a bunch
19:17of mannequin hands.
19:18Did you get arrested?
19:19Yeah.
19:19Really?
19:20Yeah.
19:20How long were you in for?
19:23I didn't go to jail.
19:24I got 90 hours
19:25community service.
19:26What did you do?
19:26Fix mannequins?
19:29Horse lover?
19:30I like them.
19:31Oh, cool.
19:31That's...
19:32I was on a walk
19:36at a ranch
19:37with my work crush
19:38and we saw a horse
19:39and I accidentally
19:40gave the horse
19:41an erection.
19:42What were you wearing?
19:46That's Leah Rudick,
19:47everybody.
19:49I think it's time
19:50for us to call
19:51our mom's favorite
19:52yacht rocker
19:53because our comics
19:54are about to enter
19:55into the danger zone.
19:57Will the remaining
19:59members of our audience
20:01please remove
20:02your top layer?
20:04Comics,
20:04what you are seeing
20:05in front of you
20:06are our red flags.
20:08These are people
20:09in our crowd
20:10who have more challenging
20:12or more dangerous
20:14subjects to touch
20:15on their shirts.
20:17Are you guys ready
20:18to get this round started?
20:19Then please
20:23welcome back
20:24to the stage
20:25Brennan Lee Mulligan!
20:32I've had my eye
20:34on you
20:34the entire show.
20:38You opened
20:39your shirt
20:40and it says
20:40Top Secret
20:41and baby
20:42if you don't think
20:42that I am going
20:43to dedicate
20:44the rest
20:45of this episode
20:46I know my people
20:48I know
20:49there's a lot
20:49of people
20:50that have chain mail
20:51and they're putting
20:52knives in their butts
20:53and they're running
20:53around doing
20:55crazy sex fantasy shit
20:56speaking cinder in
20:57and fucking each other.
20:58I looked at you
20:59and I said
20:59this guy's got something.
21:01What's your name man?
21:02I'm Brian.
21:03Too normal.
21:04Way too fucking normal.
21:06It doesn't feel safe here.
21:07It does not feel safe.
21:09What about your life
21:10is top secret?
21:12Well I'm actually
21:13under an NDA
21:14so I can't really say.
21:15For those that don't know
21:16what is an NDA?
21:17Well an NDA
21:17is a non-disclosure agreement
21:18so basically
21:19if you say certain things
21:21that could get you fired.
21:22So this is a dead end
21:24and I've ruined the show.
21:27What's your name my friend?
21:28Erin.
21:28Why are you dad's accomplice?
21:31My family was strung
21:32into a line
21:33of bank robberies
21:35because we were black males.
21:37Sorry.
21:39So literally
21:40your dad was like
21:41I don't want to rob a bank.
21:43My hands are tied.
21:45The blackmail
21:46that they had on you
21:47was it of a
21:48like lascivious
21:49or embarrassing nature?
21:50He owned a construction
21:51company
21:52and he would hire
21:53ex-cons and whatnot.
21:54Delightful
21:54and anti-carceral.
21:58I'm going to tell
21:59the whole world
22:00that you believe
22:00in the power of redemption.
22:03That was sufficient
22:04to blackmail your family
22:05into robbing banks?
22:06No.
22:06He was surprised
22:07when one of them
22:08like wanted to rob a bank.
22:09You got to ask
22:10what he went to jail for.
22:10So one of your dad's employees
22:13was like
22:14thank you so much
22:15for this construction job.
22:16I notice I'm not
22:17making that much money.
22:19When was your dad like
22:20alright we got to rob the bank?
22:22He was like
22:22hey we want to rob a bank
22:23do you want to help us?
22:24And my dad said no.
22:25And they said
22:26well now you know
22:27that we're going to do it.
22:28Hold on.
22:30So this guy said
22:30I'm just going to lie
22:31and tell people you helped
22:32even when you didn't?
22:33Yes.
22:35I have bad news.
22:36Your dad kind of
22:37wanted to rob a bank.
22:37You don't understand.
22:40He was going to say
22:41I helped.
22:43Would he have proof?
22:44Not really.
22:46But he might have said it.
22:48You know how courts
22:49love to believe ex-cons.
22:53Since you have
22:53a famous family member
22:54is it going to be
22:56like a cool chill famous?
22:57Because you made a sad face.
22:58I wish it was
22:59cool and chill.
23:00Who's your famous
23:01family member?
23:01Tucker Carlson.
23:05No it's a
23:06famous serial killer.
23:07Oh shit.
23:09I suspected.
23:10I suspected.
23:11That's tough.
23:11I mean we know them all.
23:12Which one?
23:13Guess.
23:13You want me to say
23:14which serial killer
23:15I think you look like?
23:17I'll just take a wild
23:19step if we're in L.A.
23:19and I'll say Charles Manson.
23:20No.
23:21Ted Bundy?
23:21No.
23:21Jeffrey Dahmer?
23:22No.
23:22Ed Gein?
23:23No.
23:23Are you guys getting sad
23:24that I know so many
23:24serial killers?
23:26Who was it?
23:27Robert Durst.
23:28Robert Durst!
23:30How many people
23:31did old Robbie?
23:33The minimum
23:34to be a serial killer
23:35is three
23:35and he killed
23:36three people.
23:37We gotta bump
23:38those numbers up.
23:39I don't think three.
23:40I think we gotta go like
23:41God does this suck?
23:43Seven.
23:43I think it's seven.
23:44Regan almost killed
23:45one person by accident.
23:46Like that's 33%
23:47of the weight of
23:48a serial killer.
23:50That's fucking crazy.
23:52I want to leave
23:52some red shirts
23:53for my pals too.
23:54I just want to say
23:54Sheer it says
23:55Crisis Actor
23:56on your shirt.
23:58I read that
23:58from the seat over there
23:59and my first
24:00honest response was
24:01one of my students
24:02is getting work.
24:03Let's go.
24:05That's Brittany Lee Mulligan
24:07everybody!
24:10Please welcome
24:11the erotic to the stage!
24:16Oh boy,
24:17it's time for
24:18the red zone.
24:21Dangerous hot chocolate.
24:22Yummy.
24:23What's your name, sir?
24:25My name's Jack.
24:26What's scary
24:27about hot chocolate?
24:29I accidentally
24:30circumcised myself
24:31with a hot chocolate.
24:33Wait,
24:33I thought these
24:34were supposed to be
24:35like sad and dark.
24:36That's hilarious.
24:39What the fuck
24:39are you talking about?
24:41Yeah,
24:42I wouldn't recommend it.
24:44DM,
24:44what do you think?
24:46Yeah,
24:47I know,
24:47it was not consensual.
24:49Between your dick
24:50and your hands.
24:51Yeah,
24:51that's not consensual.
24:53How old were you?
24:54I was unfortunately
24:55like kind of young.
24:56Give me a number.
24:57You were almost 13?
24:5813,
24:58that's a fully grown
25:00child,
25:00yeah.
25:01A fully grown child
25:02is crazy.
25:06I'd been ice fishing
25:07with a friend
25:08who stopped for
25:09hot chocolate
25:09after I was in the car.
25:10Was it like a
25:11Dunkin' or what?
25:12Am I allowed to say?
25:13I don't know.
25:16His name is Jack.
25:17Tim Hortons.
25:17Canadian,
25:18oh.
25:19Very hot?
25:21Too hot,
25:21honestly.
25:22It burned your dick off!
25:25Yeah,
25:25man,
25:25that's too hot!
25:27Okay,
25:27please go on.
25:28We hit a bump
25:28on the way out
25:29and I kind of
25:30jumbled the cup.
25:31Were your pants down?
25:33What?
25:34It went through
25:35my snow pants,
25:36through my pajamas,
25:37and left a second degree burn
25:39and took a little
25:40off the top.
25:42Can you show us
25:44the scream
25:44that you screamed?
25:45I could try.
25:46You can stand up
25:46if you want.
25:47This is a theater exercise now.
25:49Trying to put myself there.
25:52Get your cup,
25:53get your cup.
25:53pour it into your pajamas.
25:57Pull over!
26:04Thank you,
26:05thank you so much.
26:05Okay,
26:06distant incest.
26:08Getting genetic counseling
26:09with my dad recently.
26:10The geneticist asked,
26:12any relatives you fuck?
26:15And my dad said,
26:17well,
26:17your great-grandparents
26:18were a brother and sister.
26:20Oh, shit.
26:23And I didn't ask
26:24for permission
26:24to say that
26:25on a show.
26:29Great-grandparents?
26:30Yes.
26:31Were they hot?
26:35I'm done with that.
26:36Brian.
26:40Hi.
26:40Vegas.
26:41Yeah.
26:41Card shark?
26:42No.
26:43Dancer?
26:47Fuck you, Brian.
26:48I'm gonna...
26:49That's Leah Rooney,
26:50everybody.
26:51Yay!
26:52Let's give it up
26:53for Bob the Drag Queen!
26:55Oh!
26:56Oh!
26:56Oh!
26:56Oh!
26:56Oh!
26:57Oh!
26:57Oh!
26:57Oh!
26:58Oh!
26:58Oh!
26:58Oh!
26:58Oh!
26:59I'm so sorry to do this, Jack.
27:01Can you describe
27:02what your dick
27:02looks like right now?
27:04Um, no, yeah,
27:05it's gotten mixed reviews.
27:08Has there been a restaurant
27:09we haven't gotten to yet?
27:10I was looking at you.
27:11Are you related?
27:12No, not at all.
27:13Just our stories line up.
27:15Uh, because as a child,
27:16I was dead
27:16for the first five minutes
27:17of my life.
27:17What?
27:18You were dead
27:19for five minutes?
27:20Yeah, so I was
27:21originally due out
27:22April 4th,
27:23uh, February 16th
27:25was my mom's
27:25C-section surgery.
27:26So you were really early?
27:27Almost two months.
27:28You can't show up
27:29at someone's house
27:29unannounced.
27:30You really...
27:31You're both
27:32C-section babies.
27:33Mm-hmm.
27:33Are you gay or bi
27:34or straight or...
27:35Bi.
27:35The bi table.
27:37The gay guys
27:38have this little phrase
27:38that they use.
27:39It's called, um,
27:40a gold star gay.
27:42And a gold star gay
27:43means you have never,
27:44ever been with
27:45a woman ever.
27:47And then a platinum gay
27:49means you've never
27:50been with a woman
27:51and you were born
27:52by C-section.
27:54And gay guys are like,
27:55I've never,
27:56ha, ha, ha.
27:56They're so proud of it.
27:58But a C-section
27:58is a really
27:59intense operation.
28:00Has anyone here
28:01ever had a C-section?
28:02Anyone here?
28:03No C-sections here?
28:04Are there any parents
28:04here at all?
28:06That's how I'm gonna get you.
28:08That's how I'm gonna get you.
28:10That's how I'm gonna get you.
28:11Now I know.
28:11All right.
28:12So, I'm gonna give you a quick
28:14description of what a C-section is,
28:15okay?
28:15First of all,
28:16you're awake during a C-section.
28:17They cut you open
28:18from hip to hip
28:20to open you up, right?
28:21And then they pull your,
28:22your abs apart
28:23like beef jerky.
28:24And then they take
28:25your kidneys,
28:26clamp it to your vagina,
28:28open up the placenta,
28:29and then pull
28:30this little
28:30baby out.
28:32And then,
28:33after that,
28:3430 years later,
28:35some fucking gay boy
28:36walks around and goes,
28:37I never touch the pussy.
28:38Ha ha ha.
28:40Give it up a bottle of spray.
28:44They are doing fantastic.
28:50But this is a competition,
28:52which means we are coming
28:54to the time of the show
28:55where we will be choosing
28:57the winner.
28:58However,
28:59we've been making it
28:59look too easy,
29:00so I wanna ratchet it up
29:02a little bit.
29:03And I wanna play
29:03a little game
29:04that I like to call
29:05Torture the Comic.
29:09I'm gonna bring
29:10each and every one of you
29:11on stage one at a time,
29:12and I'm gonna give you
29:14something that is gonna
29:15make your set
29:16infinitely harder
29:17specifically for you.
29:19And like any good
29:20torture at a stand-up show,
29:21I'm gonna do so
29:22from right in the audience.
29:24Right there.
29:26Like a plain old heckler.
29:29Everybody is on the table,
29:31but I think the person
29:32to get us started,
29:34Bob the Drag Queen,
29:34get all up here.
29:39All right, Bob.
29:40I want you to do this set
29:43to me and my friends
29:44here in the audience
29:45like you're in a library.
29:47You have to be low,
29:49monotone,
29:50inside voice,
29:51and you cannot use
29:53your hands at all.
29:55That is your torture.
29:57Take it away, Bob.
29:59I've taken a lot of shots
30:00at your dick,
30:01and I want you to know
30:01that I feel bad about that.
30:03And if you would like
30:04to ask me a question
30:05about my penis.
30:08My partner actually
30:09designs sweaters
30:10for penises.
30:12Hasn't your penis
30:13been warm enough?
30:19I'm sorry.
30:20I can't help myself.
30:22I guess my question
30:26would be,
30:26if your penis
30:27could have a sweater,
30:28what would you like?
30:29What's like the longest sweater?
30:30Thank you for asking
30:45that question.
30:46That's a very good question.
30:53Now, tell me about
30:55the fake Pounding Father.
30:56I portrayed Button Gwinnett.
30:58Are you going to say
30:59Button Gwinnett
31:00like we just all know
31:01that you said it
31:04as a matter of fact?
31:06Can I ask you a question
31:07that you don't have to answer
31:08and it seems a little,
31:09what is your ethnicity?
31:11I'm Hispanic.
31:12Was Button Gwinnett Hispanic?
31:14He was a very white man.
31:16Was Button rapping?
31:18I did perform Button Gwinnett
31:19for a rapper,
31:21do you want to guess?
31:22I really wanted
31:23to be Kendrick Lamar.
31:25I love the idea
31:26of Kendrick Lamar
31:26watching you do
31:27the icon Button Gwinnett.
31:30It was Will Smith.
31:32You said rapper.
31:35That's it for
31:35Bob the Track Week, everybody.
31:39Who knew being quiet
31:40was so hard?
31:41You know who
31:42I want to torture next.
31:44Give it up for Leah Rooney!
31:51Just kidding.
31:51Leah, you're such a nice person.
31:56Oh my God, thank you.
31:56I want you to do this set
31:58as if you were
31:59just publicly cancelled.
32:05Give it up for Leah, everybody!
32:10Hey, guys.
32:19I'm figuring out
32:19my character, Brennan.
32:20Relax.
32:23I like to do a lot of jokes
32:24about my, uh,
32:27private parts.
32:30But that got me
32:31into some trouble.
32:33Hello.
32:35What are your names?
32:37I'm Luke.
32:38I'm Javi.
32:39Javi?
32:41What's that from?
32:43Um...
32:43Am I not allowed
32:44to say that?
32:48Sorry!
32:49Oh yeah!
32:56It's just short for
32:57Javiera.
32:58What's the...
32:59Uno do?
33:01We met playing Uno online?
33:03Boo!
33:04Sorry, sorry, sorry.
33:08Cool.
33:11I'm doing good.
33:14I'm divorced.
33:16What'd you get divorced for?
33:17I threw hot chocolate
33:18all over my husband's dick.
33:23Wait, why...
33:25Why are you booing me
33:26for that, though?
33:28Actually...
33:29That's the most
33:30inoffensive thing
33:31I've said so much.
33:33What's your shirt say, Andrew?
33:35200 words per minute.
33:37That's how fast you type?
33:38Yes.
33:39Nice!
33:40How do you feel about that?
33:51Oh, I was very excited.
33:53That's my kind of boy!
33:56Give it up for Leah Ruddick, everybody!
34:00And keep it going for Brennan!
34:09Brennan...
34:09You're a smart guy.
34:11You cannot use
34:12a single big word
34:14whatsoever.
34:16You can't use
34:16an historical reference.
34:18If it came from
34:19a literary anything,
34:21I don't want to hear it.
34:23And all of us here
34:24are going to decide
34:25what big words are,
34:26all right?
34:31I can't say the word
34:32on your shirt.
34:36What's your name?
34:38Too big!
34:39What?
34:43What is your name?
34:46Naomi.
34:48Can't say that.
34:50What you do?
34:53I play anywhere between
34:5410 and 24 instruments.
34:56That's too much.
34:57Why so much sounds?
35:02I don't know if you would understand.
35:08Don't do show.
35:10Let me do show.
35:11You do your job.
35:14Why so much sound?
35:16I work as a composer
35:18and I write music
35:19for movies, TV shows, games.
35:20Good.
35:22Too many letter on a shirt.
35:25I built a medieval tavern
35:27in my basement.
35:28Strange.
35:30Strange too big.
35:32Me no like!
35:32For money?
35:37To play D&D with my friends.
35:39Tight.
35:42Cool guy.
35:45Your shirt say...
35:46Rocket launcher.
35:48More.
35:50I work for NASA.
35:51Sick.
35:52That is too big.
35:55Me like boom.
35:56You work come from us,
36:03not Elon Musk.
36:07Boo, Elon Musk!
36:10Boo, Elon Musk!
36:12We love spaceship
36:14from everybody.
36:17Who else not go?
36:20You.
36:21I do a lot of
36:21post-apocalyptic
36:22like theme sports.
36:23For fun
36:24or maybe you think
36:27world not goes so good
36:29soon.
36:31How would you know that?
36:34Don't need to be that smart
36:36to see shit fucked up.
36:39Brennan,
36:40you can now use
36:42every big word you know,
36:43every literary word you know,
36:45and direct it
36:46all towards top secret
36:48right there.
36:49Since the beginning of time,
36:55man has wondered why.
36:58Why do we exist?
37:00What meaning do we find
37:01in a cosmos
37:02where we seem to be
37:02the only sentient life?
37:04What does this guy
37:05do for a fucking living?
37:07That's better to be
37:08for a fucking living!
37:10Why does he have to know
37:11what Brian does?
37:12Do it!
37:13Do it!
37:13Do it!
37:14I'm a video game developer.
37:16Motherfucker!
37:17I thought you killed people!
37:22And now it's time
37:23for you all
37:24to pick a winner
37:25of tonight's episode
37:26and that winner
37:27is going to receive
37:29our golden drink ticket.
37:32Ooh!
37:34And you guys
37:35are going to pick
37:36that winner
37:36by a simple round
37:38of applause.
37:38Do we think
37:39our winner tonight
37:40is Bob the Drag Queen?
37:42Bob the Drag Queen!
37:43Or do we feel
37:52the winner
37:52of tonight's episode
37:53is Leah Rudin?
38:00Or is it
38:04Brennan Lee Mulligan?
38:06The winner
38:12of tonight's episode
38:13who has all
38:14the self-worth
38:15in the world
38:16Bob the Drag Queen!
38:20Bob!
38:21Bob!
38:21Bob!
38:22Bob!
38:22Bob!
38:23Bob!
38:23Bob!
38:23Bob!
38:23Bob!
38:24Bob!
38:24Bob!
38:24Bob!
38:24Bob!
38:24Bob!
38:24Bob!
38:25Bob!
38:25Bob!
38:25Bob!
38:25You are the winner
38:26of our golden drink
38:28ticket to the bar
38:29which we are now
38:30closing everybody.
38:32That is last call
38:33for us here
38:34at Crowd Control.
38:35I'm your man
38:36and your host
38:37Jacky's new.
38:38Good night everybody!
38:39Good night!
38:40Thank you!
38:41Good night!
38:45Statistically
38:4610 of you
38:47are my former
38:48improv students.
38:52I thought you
38:52exactly what I did
38:53I probably wouldn't
38:53get you.
38:5410 motherfuckers
38:55what you doing?
38:59Watch this
39:00actually get me
39:00canceled.
39:01This is fine.
39:05ta-ta-ta-ta-ta
39:07Pat!
39:07Ay!
39:07...
39:07I deserve
39:24that instant
39:26too,
39:28I'm
39:29McD for
39:30oh
39:31bag
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