How to Motivate Yourself_ Leverage Dopamine _ Overcome Your Excuses

Mel Robbins

Do you want to know the surprising truth about #motivation?   Right now, think about something you want to change or improve.   How do you make lasting and powerful changes and life improvements? And how do you keep going even when you don’t have the motivation to do it?   If change was easy, we’d all have six-pack abs and a million dollars in the bank.   And that’s where this episode comes in: Mel is here to teach you the HOW.   In this episode, you’ll learn: How to self-motivate so you can take action What dopamine is and how it’s linked to motivation The simple steps you can take today to tap back into your internal drive The 2 truths about motivation that you are forgetting The research-backed reason you continue, initiate, or quit something What to do when someone you love is losing motivation The real reason you cannot #motivate others How to cope with not getting something you have been working towards How to navigate feeling “behind” or in a “comparison game” How to pick yourself back up when you feel like life’s punched you in the face The first (and most important) step in understanding what drives your motivation One powerful question to ask yourself when you feel “stuck” What role #dreams and #goals play (and it’s not always to achieve them) How to hack the moment of hesitation we all feel The most powerful reframe you need about failing How to get clear about the direction you are going in without wandering aimlessly Mel’s 5-second rule that will move you towards action (even when you are not motivated)  This episode comes with a 29-page companion workbook. This workbook is designed using the latest research to help you get clear about what you want and empower you to take the next step forward in your life. And the cool part? It takes less than a minute for you to get your hands on it.  Follow The Mel Robbins Podcast Instagram:   / themelrobbinspodcast     I’m just your friend. I am not a licensed therapist, and this podcast is NOT intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional. Got it? Good. I’ll see you in the next episode.    In this episode: 00:00 Intro 02:11: That painful moment of rejection that bursts your motivation. 07:22: What NOT to do when someone you love gets rejected. 08:34: What to do after life punches you in the face. 16:52: What is motivation, anyway? 18:24: The chemical that motivation relies on and why you need to know. 24:41: One of the most important hacks to help you stir up motivation again. 35:21: Three powerful words from advertising history that will change you. 40:02: A powerful mantra Mel wants you to repeat when you don’t feel like it.

Transcript

00:00How do you self-motivate?

00:01How do you pick yourself back up?

00:03How do you motivate yourself again

00:04when you feel like life just punched you in the face?

00:07If motivation were easy,

00:09everybody would have a million bucks in the bank.

00:11Everybody would have six-pack abs.

00:13Everybody would be having the side hustle of their dreams

00:16and taking vacations

00:17because they would be motivated all the time.

00:19But that's not how life works, is it?

00:21There are things you can do to help someone

00:26tap back into the drive inside themselves

00:29in a moment like this.

00:31And these two steps are also what you need to do

00:34in moments where you're the one who needs the motivation.

00:38Step number one.

00:41Hey, it's your friend Mel.

00:43And welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast.

00:46Thank you so much for being here today.

00:48I'm so excited to talk to you.

00:51And the fact is I've been dying

00:52to talk to you about a particular topic.

00:54What is that topic?

00:56Self-motivation.

00:57And the thing about self-motivation

01:00is that it's something we all want,

01:03but it's something that we don't really understand.

01:06I mean, I'm sure that you may be thinking about things

01:09that you want to improve or change in your life.

01:12It's the time of year where everybody's doing it.

01:14It's the time of year where businesses

01:15are planning big changes.

01:17People are thinking about what they want in the next year.

01:20And so no matter when you're listening to this,

01:22I know that the story I'm about to tell you

01:25and the things I'm about to teach you

01:27about self-motivation are really going to help you.

01:29Because the fact is there are two truths

01:31about self-motivation that are essential

01:34for you to understand

01:35if you want to be able to hack motivation

01:38when you need it.

01:39Because here's the thing.

01:41You know, when you're busy making plans

01:44or setting goals or deciding

01:46kind of what you want to go do,

01:47you feel really motivated, don't you?

01:51But have you ever noticed

01:52that life has this funny way

01:53of taking the wind right out of the sails

01:56as soon as you really need the motivation?

02:01It's like, boom, no wind, you're not going anywhere.

02:04And I have a personal story to tell you

02:07because this is exactly what's happening

02:09in my life right now.

02:11I got home a couple days ago.

02:13We were down in Boston

02:14taping a bunch of episodes

02:16down in our brand new studios.

02:18It's super cool.

02:19Right now, I am up above our garage

02:22in our little studio in Southern Vermont.

02:24And when I got home a couple days ago,

02:26our son Oakley was about to hear back

02:29from his top choice for college.

02:32He, like so many kids, applied early decision,

02:35which means if the college accepts him,

02:38he is going to agree to go.

02:39It's like a binding contract.

02:41And this particular school that he had applied to

02:43was going to let all the kids

02:45who had applied early decision know

02:46by announcing the decision in an online portal

02:50at eight o'clock in the morning on a Saturday.

02:53So it's Friday night.

02:55I get home from a week in Boston.

02:57Chris is home.

02:58We have a dinner with Oakley.

03:00He's so nervous.

03:01We're nervous.

03:03We're excited.

03:04And Chris and I set our alarm.

03:06Oakley sets his alarm.

03:07You know, we say good night,

03:09excited for the morning.

03:10And for the first time since I can remember, honestly,

03:16Oakley was awake and downstairs before Chris and I were

03:19because he couldn't sleep.

03:22He was so nervous and he was so excited

03:25to hear back from his dream school.

03:27And if I'm being honest with you, neither could I.

03:31I could barely sleep either.

03:32I was tossing.

03:32I was turning.

03:33And you've probably had this experience, right?

03:36Like maybe you're waiting to hear back on a big job

03:39that you've been interviewing for,

03:40or you're waiting to hear back to see

03:42if you've got it into graduate school.

03:44Or maybe it's a moment where one of the kids that you love

03:47is about to find out, did they make the orchestra?

03:49Did they make the soccer team?

03:51And I got to tell you, I was so excited for him

03:55because I watched him pour himself into the application

03:58for this college over the last couple of months.

04:01I mean, he's been writing and rewriting essays.

04:03He's been gathering up the recommendations.

04:06He's been working hard to keep his GPA up.

04:08And you could tell he not only really wanted this,

04:14you could tell he was willing to pour himself into it, right?

04:17Because unlike his sister, Kendall,

04:19he wasn't going to be auditioning for anything.

04:21And unlike a lot of his friends who excel in sports,

04:24he wasn't getting recruited by a school.

04:26And this particular school doesn't do interviews.

04:29So his one shot was how he could present himself

04:33as an applicant on paper.

04:35And as somebody who is dyslexic,

04:36that's basically your worst nightmare.

04:39But he went for it.

04:40And that morning, standing there in my PJs,

04:44I wasn't really nervous.

04:46I mean, I was so excited.

04:48I was excited because it wasn't just about the college application,

04:52but I've seen how hard he's worked for four years straight.

04:55And I know that all these schools are now crazy competitive,

04:58but I said to myself, look,

05:01you don't need to worry about this, Mel.

05:02He's put in the work.

05:04He's in the zone of what the school is looking for.

05:06And you know, when you see him on paper, he did a good job.

05:09He's got a sick GPA.

05:10He's the captain of two varsity sports, senior mentor,

05:13won these awards, blah, bitty, blah, bitty, blah, bitty, blah.

05:16If you've heard him on the podcast,

05:17he's a great kid and has awesome emotional intelligence.

05:22So here we are.

05:22His stomach is in knots.

05:26I'm really excited.

05:27We're gathered around the kitchen island.

05:30Chris places his hand on Oakley's back

05:33as he cracks open the laptop,

05:37logs into the portal,

05:38and then it's silent for about 10 seconds.

05:43And Oakley pushes back from the island and goes,

05:47ugh, it's a no.

05:50I didn't make it.

05:54We sat there in silence.

05:57I don't know how much time went by.

06:00I honestly thought it was going to go a different way.

06:02I thought he was going to thread the needle on this one.

06:06And then Oakley said,

06:07they didn't even defer me.

06:10I mean, I was like flat out rejected.

06:12The only thing that I could say was,

06:16that sucks, buddy.

06:19And I'm really proud of the fact that you went for it.

06:23I'm really proud of how much work you put into it.

06:26And he kind of hung his head down low.

06:28And I said, well,

06:29tell me what you need me to do to support you today.

06:31Do you want me to make you your favorite bolognese sauce for dinner?

06:34Do you need us to just leave you alone?

06:36And he said, sure.

06:37Bolognese sounds great.

06:39And then he said, I just need some time.

06:40And he kind of shrugged off the hugs we tried to give him.

06:43And he went right back up to his room and shut the door.

06:47And, you know, I was standing there.

06:49And I kind of looked at Chris.

06:50And it was one of those moments in life where you're not quite sure what to do with yourself right now.

06:57You know, and in the context of college,

07:01I'm sure you've seen those videos that have gone viral online where the kids are gathered around the laptop

07:07and their families are all around them.

07:09And all of a sudden they get the news and they scream and jump and shout.

07:14And the family starts crying.

07:15And I kind of thought that was going to be us.

07:20I don't think I've ever seen a video online of the moment where somebody gets rejected from their dream school.

07:32And yet life is full of rejections.

07:37It's full of setbacks.

07:38It's full of heartbreaks.

07:40And you can know that intellectually.

07:43But boy, is it hard when it hits.

07:47And it's hard when it hits you.

07:49And it's also hard when it hits somebody that you love.

07:52Thankfully, I am smart enough at this point in my life that I knew that that was not a moment to kind of crank up the motivational pep talk, right?

08:04Because that's the last thing that you want to hear when your dream school says,

08:08Nope, you're not good enough for us.

08:11Or that job that you've been interviewing for says,

08:14Sorry, you don't have what it takes.

08:15And there's a lot of layoffs happening right now.

08:19In fact, someone that is in my family just got laid off after working somewhere for 10 years, just completely out of nowhere.

08:25Their boss didn't even know it was coming.

08:27I'm sitting here talking about college applications with Oak.

08:30And the fact is, you can pour years of your life into something.

08:34And all of a sudden you hear,

08:36Nah, I think we're going to go in a different direction.

08:39And when that happens, let's just not even mince words.

08:43It freaking sucks.

08:44And you do need to wallow in it.

08:47You do need to take some time.

08:49You do need to feel sad or frustrated.

08:52You do need to let all of that come up.

08:54Because you know what?

08:55Those are very appropriate emotions.

08:59In fact, they prove that you're mentally healthy.

09:01Because when you work hard for something,

09:05and you don't get the result that you were working for,

09:07it does sting.

09:10So don't rush past that feeling.

09:13But now let's talk about what comes next.

09:17Because one of the hardest yet most important skills in life

09:23is what you do after you've been rejected.

09:27Mm-hmm.

09:29That's what we're talking about today.

09:31How do you self-motivate?

09:33How do you pick yourself back up?

09:34How do you motivate yourself again

09:36when you feel like life just punched you in the face?

09:40And that's exactly what's going on in our house right now.

09:44Oakley now has, as I'm talking to you,

09:46exactly 11 days to complete all the remaining applications

09:53and essays that he needs to work on

09:55in order to apply to other colleges.

09:58And it's because he was so motivated and excited

10:01about this one school that he figured,

10:03oh, you know, all the work that I'm doing for this,

10:05it'll help me get the other stuff done.

10:07And I'll wait until I hear,

10:08and hopefully I'll get in.

10:09And if not, then I'll complete the other ones later, right?

10:11It's easy to do that when everything's in front of you.

10:14But now here we are, 11 days to complete all this.

10:19And not only do you have to complete all this,

10:21but you have to do it in the wake of feeling

10:23like you're not good enough for the place you wanted to be.

10:28So let me ask you a question.

10:29On a scale of zero to 100,

10:33how motivated do you think he feels right now?

10:37If you guess zero, you would be correct.

10:40He is the opposite of motivated.

10:42He is demoralized.

10:45He feels like he's not a smart kid.

10:47And, you know, if I can't get it, why even bother?

10:51And he's not the only one.

10:52Because when you have a moment

10:54where you feel like nothing's working out,

10:58that is the kind of emotion of it, right?

11:02And for example, if you happen to be single right now,

11:05and everyone around you,

11:06oh my God, everybody's getting engaged,

11:08everybody's getting married,

11:10and here you are, you're having to put yourself back out there again

11:14after a breakup yet again.

11:16When is this ever going to be your turn?

11:18Or if you've ever had an issue getting pregnant,

11:20doesn't it seem like everybody around you is getting pregnant with ease?

11:25This is exactly the feeling.

11:26If you're in the financials industry

11:28and you've got to pass a huge exam for work,

11:31no matter how hard you study,

11:32if you don't pass it the first time,

11:34now you're going to be panic-stricken

11:35and you're going to feel demoralized,

11:37which what?

11:38Makes it so hard to get motivated.

11:42I'll give you another example.

11:43You started selling real estate,

11:44which seemed like a great idea, right?

11:46You were super motivated in the beginning.

11:49But now it's been a year.

11:51And no matter how many networking meetings you have gone to,

11:54you can't get your own listing.

11:56And every time you look around,

11:58a new house is on the market

11:59and they're listed by somebody else.

12:00And why is it that you can't get this?

12:02And then you stop to, you don't feel that motivated.

12:04Why is this so easy for everybody else?

12:07And doesn't it feel like you're the only one who feels that way?

12:11But you're not.

12:13And you can do something about it.

12:16And if you're in the position that I'm in right now,

12:19which is I'm the mom watching this go down

12:21with somebody that I love.

12:22And intellectually, I'm sitting here saying all the stuff

12:25I say to you all the time on this podcast.

12:27This is happening for a reason.

12:29Intellectually, of course,

12:31I know he's going to end up in the right place,

12:33exactly where he needs to be.

12:35Of course, I know that college does not define who you are.

12:39Of course, I know all this.

12:41But you can feel two things at once.

12:43You can know that everything's going to be okay.

12:46And you can also feel in your heart something breaking.

12:51Right?

12:52And that doesn't change the fact that I can't want this for him.

12:56He has to want it for himself.

13:00And the truth is, I can't motivate him.

13:03And we're going to get into why I can't motivate him.

13:08Do you know what I would give right now to have motivation on tap?

13:14Wouldn't it be so cool that instead of going to a bar for a pint of beer,

13:19if you could walk into a bar for motivation and just grab that handle

13:23and pour a pint full of liquid motivation,

13:26and boom, all of this emotion is gone.

13:30All of a sudden, you're super excited.

13:32That would be so amazing.

13:34And I want to stay on this example for just a minute of what I'm going through,

13:38because I think everybody can relate to the dynamic here,

13:41whether you're the one that's been rejected

13:43or you're the one that's concerned about somebody who is.

13:46Because what our son does or doesn't do in the next 11 days

13:51potentially determines what the next four years of his life could look like.

13:57And that family member of mine who got laid off

13:59after working somewhere for 10 years,

14:02what they do or don't do over the next few months

14:05can really matter in terms of what happens next.

14:10And that takes us back to our topic.

14:13How do you motivate yourself when you don't feel motivated at all?

14:19And here's how we're going to tackle this.

14:21We're going to break it down.

14:23Because I want to give you specific tactics

14:27based in science for a moment like this.

14:30And I also want to make a very important request.

14:33If this isn't you right now,

14:35I guarantee you someone you love is feeling this way.

14:39Please share this episode with them.

14:41Give them this information.

14:43Let them hear that they're not alone

14:45and let them feel empowered

14:47by the fact that there are simple things that you can do.

14:51Period.

14:52To tap into that self-motivation.

14:55This is the closest thing I can give you to motivation on tap.

14:59This episode right here.

15:00Because here's what you and I are going to cover.

15:03First of all,

15:03I'm going to break down the true definition of motivation

15:06using the research so that you and I are using the word in the exact same way.

15:12Next, you can't talk about motivation without talking about the word dopamine.

15:17Because so many people and researchers and writers and podcasters

15:22talk about dopamine in relation to motivation.

15:25There is so much interest in that.

15:26So we will talk about that as well.

15:29Then you and I are going to cover two essential strategies

15:31that you need in a moment like this right now.

15:33These are two strategies based on research that A,

15:36will help you locate that self-motivation.

15:40And B, will really inspire you to not only get back up,

15:44but to bring your A game when you do.

15:47So don't you go anywhere.

15:48I'm going to be waiting for you after a very short break

15:51where you can hear a word from our sponsors.

15:53Stay with us.

15:55Hey, it's your friend Mel.

15:57And do not skip this because I have something to give you for free.

16:00No kidding.

16:01Say goodbye to 2023.

16:02Let's say hello to 2024 and make it the best year ever.

16:05I have a free 29-page workbook.

16:07I made this for you to thank you for being here on YouTube,

16:11watching all of our videos, supporting our work.

16:13I'm going to help you answer what you want in 2024.

16:16And then more importantly, you're going to create a plan to go get it.

16:19Then I'll be here on YouTube motivating you every step of the way.

16:22You and me, baby.

16:23Let's create the best year ever.

16:24Just click the link.

16:25Boom.

16:26I'll take you to the page.

16:27You'll have this puppy in your hands in less than a minute

16:29and be right back here with YouTube for me to motivate you.

16:32I love you.

16:33Let's do this.

16:36Welcome back.

16:36It's your friend Mel.

16:37I told you I would be waiting for you.

16:39We're going to start with a definition of motivation

16:42because I want to make sure that you and I are on the same page

16:45when we're using the word.

16:46Now, from a scientific standpoint, motivation is the general desire

16:53or willingness to act in a certain way.

16:56Another way that you may hear people define motivation

17:00in the context of kind of science and research

17:03is motivation is often used to describe this force

17:07that explains why you would initiate something

17:11or why you would continue with something

17:13or why you would quit something.

17:16That's an interesting thing,

17:17that you have a motivation to quit something.

17:19Of course you do.

17:19That's the force that makes you take the action to quit.

17:23It's motivating you.

17:25And since you listen to the Mel Robbins podcast,

17:27you know I like to simplify things.

17:30So I have just this very plain-spoken definition that I use

17:34that takes into account all the science and research.

17:37And here's my definition of motivation.

17:39And this is what I want you and I to use

17:42as we're having this conversation.

17:43Motivation just means you feel like doing something.

17:49That's it.

17:50Motivation means you feel like doing something.

17:54And that means a lack of motivation

17:57means you don't feel like doing something.

18:00Simple, right?

18:02And that's what's interesting about motivation.

18:05When you feel like doing something,

18:07it's easy to do, right?

18:09Because you're motivated.

18:11You feel like doing it.

18:13And if you Googled motivation

18:15or you've listened to podcasts on the topics

18:18or you've read about the science of it,

18:20I know that you have bumped into the word dopamine.

18:22So let me talk about dopamine

18:25in the context of self-motivation, okay?

18:28Dopamine is a type of neurotransmitter and hormone.

18:32And dopamine is involved in so many different aspects

18:37of your body functioning.

18:39But when you talk about dopamine

18:41in the context of motivation,

18:44what researchers, neuroscientists, psychologists,

18:47everybody is talking about

18:49is the fact that dopamine plays a role

18:52in what's called the reward system in your mind.

18:55That's why dopamine is often referred to

18:58as the molecule of motivation.

19:00And when you are listening to anybody

19:04or reading about topics like behavior chain, habits,

19:07in our case, the science of motivation,

19:09it's really important to understand

19:11the role that dopamine plays.

19:13Because I think there's a tremendous amount

19:15of misunderstanding about what dopamine is

19:18and the role that it plays.

19:20And a lot of people feel like,

19:22oh, dopamine, dopamine is what makes me motivated.

19:25If you could just put dopamine in a pill,

19:27I'd feel more motivated.

19:29Somehow that dopamine is sort of like

19:31that motivation on tap.

19:33That's not technically the case.

19:36Because dopamine is tied to cravings

19:40and to things that you want.

19:43Dopamine is present to try to drive you

19:46toward things that you crave

19:48or toward things that you really want to do.

19:51And I'm going to give you a couple examples

19:53because once you wrap your brain around this,

19:56oh my gosh, you're going to be like,

19:58oh my gosh, I totally get this.

19:59So let's just take a scenario.

20:02You've been at work all day.

20:03You had an early lunch.

20:05You've been in meetings all day.

20:06As you're driving home,

20:08you're hungry, right?

20:10Now, when you get home because you're hungry,

20:14you're going to be very motivated

20:16to open the fridge,

20:18to look inside and to figure out what to eat

20:20or cook yourself for dinner, right?

20:22Why?

20:23Because you're craving food.

20:25You're hungry.

20:26But have you ever noticed

20:28that you can be really motivated

20:29when you get home to make something to eat

20:31and to eat real quick?

20:32But the second you're done eating,

20:34it is so hard to motivate yourself

20:36to clean up the kitchen

20:37and to do the dishes.

20:38Why?

20:39Dopamine.

20:40See, you came home hungry.

20:42You were craving food,

20:44which is why you were motivated to cook.

20:46You felt like doing it.

20:48Dopamine is present

20:49because it's tied to craving

20:51and to the thing that you wanted.

20:53And in fact,

20:53this is kind of cool research.

20:55Let's say that you really love steak.

20:57And if you're coming home

20:58and you're craving steak,

21:00do you know how motivated you are

21:01to turn on the grill

21:02so you can grill that filet?

21:04In fact, your mouth is just watering

21:06thinking about it.

21:07Talk about the molecule of motivation.

21:10My mouth is watering

21:11just talking to you about it.

21:12That's how much I like steak.

21:13And the research shows

21:15that foods that you like

21:17spike dopamine levels by 50%.

21:20Why?

21:21Well, because you both crave it

21:22and you want it.

21:23That's why you're motivated to cook it.

21:25And this is true

21:26with all things that you crave

21:27or things that you really, really like.

21:29And these are not necessarily good things

21:31that I'm going to list,

21:32but do you want to know

21:32the top things

21:33that spike dopamine levels?

21:35It's not pretty.

21:38Meth, cocaine, nicotine,

21:41sex, social media, video games, sugar.

21:44See, people get motivated

21:46to find these things

21:48because they crave them.

21:50You want to know

21:51what's not on that list?

21:52College applications,

21:53updating your resume,

21:55putting up a dating profile,

21:57stepping on a scale,

21:59doing dishes.

21:59I mean, who on earth craves

22:02sticking your hands

22:04in a soapy sink

22:05with a bunch of greasy pans?

22:07Not me.

22:07That's why you never feel

22:08motivated to do it.

22:10And look,

22:11there are so many people out there

22:13that are experts

22:14at biohacking dopamine.

22:16That's not what we're

22:17talking about today.

22:18You and I are talking about

22:19the reality

22:20in a normal person's life,

22:22which is,

22:23do not expect this molecule

22:25of motivation

22:26to rescue you

22:28in a situation

22:28where you feel down.

22:30You feel discouraged.

22:31You don't feel

22:32like doing what you need to do.

22:34It's not coming.

22:35And yet,

22:35you still need

22:36to pick yourself up

22:38and force yourself

22:39to do the work.

22:40And just like motivation,

22:42dopamine is wonderful

22:43when you have it.

22:44But this conversation

22:45is about the other situations,

22:47the 99% of your life

22:49when you don't feel like

22:50doing what you need to do.

22:51I don't feel like applying

22:52to college

22:53after I got rejected.

22:54I don't feel like

22:55going to the gym.

22:56I don't feel like

22:57working on my business plan.

22:58I don't feel like

22:59eating healthy

23:00when I'd rather have a pizza.

23:01I don't feel like

23:01putting myself out there

23:02because I'm shy

23:03and introverted

23:04and I got screwed over

23:05by the last person I did.

23:07I don't feel like

23:07cleaning out the garage.

23:08I don't feel like

23:09having a mocktail

23:10when I'd rather

23:10have a beer tonight.

23:11I don't feel like

23:12having that conversation

23:13with my mother.

23:14I've been avoiding it

23:14for three months,

23:15so why not avoid it

23:16in another one?

23:17And notice,

23:18when you don't feel

23:21like doing those things,

23:24you don't do them.

23:27do you?

23:32That's why you'll

23:33often hear me say,

23:34motivation is garbage.

23:38It's garbage

23:39because it's not there

23:41when you really need it.

23:44If motivation were on demand,

23:46if it were on tap,

23:47if we could just,

23:48ooh, pop a pill,

23:50I would pour that sucker

23:51into a cup, man.

23:52I would drink it every day

23:53and you know,

23:54you want to know what else?

23:55If motivation were easy,

23:57everybody would have

23:58a million bucks in the bank.

23:59Everybody would have

24:00six-pack abs.

24:01Everybody would be having

24:02the side hustle

24:03of their dreams

24:04and taking vacations

24:05because they would be

24:06motivated all the time

24:07to do all the things

24:08to get you those things.

24:09But that's not how life works,

24:10is it?

24:11Because knowing

24:12what you need to do,

24:13it's not enough.

24:14It's just not enough.

24:14And here's the issue

24:17and I know it

24:19because the clock is ticking.

24:22Waiting for motivation to strike

24:24is basically saying

24:27it's never going to happen.

24:29And if you're in a situation

24:30like we are in

24:31in this household,

24:32you got 11 days.

24:34You got 11 days.

24:36You cannot afford

24:38to let your feelings derail

24:39the actions that you need

24:40to take right now.

24:42And one more point about this.

24:45I personally am highly motivated

24:48to see our son

24:49push through

24:50the feelings of rejection

24:51and put in the work

24:53so that he is proud of himself.

24:56So that he knows

24:58that he put his best foot forward,

25:00that he didn't let

25:01this one school stop him.

25:04But I can't do the work for him.

25:07I can't just spray him

25:08with motivation.

25:09In fact,

25:11the more pressure I put on him,

25:14the more demoralized

25:15he's got to feel.

25:16He knows

25:17what the game's about.

25:19He knows

25:20what the stakes are.

25:21He knows

25:22what he's up against.

25:25But here's what I'm offering.

25:27Even though you can't

25:29do the work for somebody else

25:30and even though you technically

25:31can't motivate someone else,

25:34you can't feel it

25:35more than they want to feel

25:36like doing it,

25:37there are things

25:39you can do

25:40to help someone

25:42tap back into the drive

25:44inside themselves

25:45in a moment like this.

25:47And these two steps

25:48are also what you need to do

25:50in moments where you're the one

25:52who needs the motivation.

25:55Step number one,

25:56you must remind yourself

25:59of why this matters to you.

26:03Now say that again.

26:04Step number one,

26:07you must remind yourself

26:09of why this matters to you.

26:14This is one of the most important hacks

26:17for self-motivation.

26:19And that is understanding

26:21exactly what you want

26:23and exactly why you want it.

26:25Because number one,

26:26if you don't really want it,

26:29you're not going to feel motivated

26:32to do the work to get it.

26:33And if you don't know

26:35why you want it,

26:37you're not going to feel motivated

26:39to do the work to get it.

26:40And I'm going to keep coming back

26:42to this example

26:43because it's so relatable,

26:45our son and these college applications.

26:48So after he got the news,

26:50we just let him go

26:52for a day or two, right?

26:53You got to be able to decompress.

26:55You got to be able

26:55to take a deep breath.

26:57And then we sat down with him

26:58and we had a conversation

27:01about all the options

27:02on the table,

27:03starting with,

27:04do you even want

27:05to go to college next year?

27:07Do you want to take a gap year?

27:09Do you want to do something else?

27:10Do you want to get a job?

27:12All the way to the other end,

27:13which is just because

27:15that school rejected you

27:16doesn't mean you can't get

27:17into another top tier school

27:18if that's what you actually want.

27:23And that's important.

27:24You can't want it

27:25because I want it.

27:26And I don't even want that for him.

27:28I want him to go

27:29to the place he wants to be.

27:31And I reminded him of this.

27:32There are so many

27:33amazing schools out there

27:34that you could not only get into,

27:37but you'd probably love

27:39and be really happy at.

27:41So why not put in

27:43a couple applications

27:44to schools like that

27:45so you have options?

27:46So we talked and talked

27:47and talked through

27:48all the options.

27:49Don't go at all.

27:51Apply to top schools.

27:52Apply to schools in the middle.

27:54And here's what he said.

27:55You know,

27:57if I didn't put in

28:00a few more applications

28:01to some other

28:03top choices of mine,

28:04all of which are

28:05a real reach for me,

28:06I realize that.

28:08I know in my heart

28:10that I

28:11wouldn't have given it my all.

28:14And I guess,

28:16mom,

28:16if they reject me too,

28:18then you know what?

28:19It's going to make me feel better

28:20at where I ultimately end up.

28:22I love that.

28:24I love that

28:25because number one,

28:27he's getting in touch

28:28with what he wants.

28:29And number two,

28:30it really tracks back

28:32to something

28:33that you and I

28:34talk about all the time.

28:35That dreams

28:36and your goals,

28:38they are there

28:39for a reason

28:39and they're not

28:41necessarily there

28:42because you're supposed

28:42to achieve them.

28:44Dreams set a direction

28:46that you head in.

28:47Dreams are what you pursue

28:49in order for you

28:51to become

28:52the kind of person

28:53that you want to become.

28:56See,

28:56these dreams and goals

28:57that you have,

28:58these reaches

28:58that you go for,

29:00they force you

29:01to do things

29:01that you wouldn't

29:02normally do

29:02and that's exactly

29:03what our son

29:04was talking about.

29:05He knows

29:06that by buckling down

29:07right now

29:08at the moment

29:08where he least

29:10wants to do this,

29:12this is the last thing

29:14that he wants to do,

29:15but by doing it

29:16and going for it,

29:18he is demonstrating

29:20something

29:21that he cares

29:23in terms of his character.

29:25That's why

29:26he wants to apply.

29:27He's not doing it

29:29to get into a school.

29:30He's applying

29:31because that's

29:32the kind of person

29:33he knows

29:34that he wants to be

29:35and I want you to think

29:37like where in your life

29:38have you gone

29:39for something

29:40simply because

29:42you knew

29:43pursuing it

29:44would cause you

29:47to become

29:47a better version

29:48of yourself

29:49and so let's

29:50circle this back

29:51and highlight

29:53step one

29:54which is

29:54you have to know

29:55why you want something

29:57and let's talk

29:59about you.

29:59Let's talk about

30:00your why.

30:01Whether you're

30:02listening to me

30:03right now

30:03and you're picking

30:04yourself back up

30:05or you're cranking

30:07along,

30:07you got some

30:08big goal

30:09and you would

30:10just love

30:11to destroy it

30:12this year.

30:13I mean,

30:13let's level up,

30:14let's amplify,

30:15let's swing

30:15for the fences

30:16people.

30:17You want to tap

30:18into that

30:19like self-motivation

30:20to really

30:21rocket ship

30:21this puppy.

30:23What is it

30:23that you want?

30:24What is it

30:25that you're

30:25working on

30:26and why

30:28do

30:29you

30:29want it?

30:31Why?

30:34And as you

30:34ponder that,

30:36I want to

30:37remind you

30:38that I can

30:40help you

30:40answer this.

30:41I created

30:41this incredible

30:43workbook

30:43that is

30:44free,

30:45zero cost.

30:46It's my

30:47gift to you

30:47to help

30:48you gain

30:48clarity

30:49about what

30:49you want

30:50and why

30:51you want

30:51it,

30:51which is

30:52essential

30:52if you

30:53want to

30:53tap into

30:54self-motivation.

30:54It is

30:5529

30:55amazing pages

30:58long.

30:58You can

30:58hear me

30:58flipping through

30:59it right now

31:00and already

31:02hundreds of

31:02thousands of

31:03podcast listeners

31:04from around

31:04the world

31:05have downloaded

31:05this puppy.

31:06They love

31:07it.

31:07They love

31:07the tools

31:08in it.

31:08This is a

31:09resource for

31:10you and you

31:10can get it

31:11right now

31:11at

31:11melrobbins.com

31:12slash

31:13bestyear.

31:14Please share

31:14it with your

31:15friends,

31:15share it with

31:16your families

31:16and this

31:17workbook is

31:18going to

31:18help you

31:19with step

31:20one.

31:21What do

31:21I want?

31:22Why do

31:22I want

31:22it?

31:22Because the

31:23workbook

31:23begins with

31:24six clarifying

31:25questions that

31:26give you

31:27those answers

31:28and this is

31:29so important

31:30and it's not

31:30just me saying

31:31it, it's not

31:32just common

31:32sense, there

31:33is breakthrough

31:34research that

31:36comes from the

31:36University of

31:37Oregon that

31:38has shown that

31:39you have to

31:40know your

31:40why in order

31:41to achieve

31:42your goals.

31:43Knowing your

31:43why matters

31:44and based on

31:45the research

31:46it's because

31:47when you know

31:47why something

31:48matters to

31:49you, it

31:49helps you

31:50with self

31:50regulation, it

31:51helps you

31:52prioritize doing

31:53the work over

31:54other things that

31:55are not as

31:55important but are

31:56easier to do and

31:58this is essential

31:58because if you

32:00know that something

32:01matters, you'll

32:02come home after

32:03ski practice instead

32:04of taking a few

32:06extra runs with

32:06your friends and

32:07you'll work on

32:08college applications

32:09because you

32:10know why it

32:10matters.

32:11You'll get out

32:12of bed a little

32:12bit earlier to

32:13chip away at

32:14your resume instead

32:15of sleeping in

32:16this weekend because

32:17you'll know why it

32:18matters and so

32:19this is grounded in

32:21the research and

32:22we talked about

32:23this extensively in

32:24a recent episode

32:25that I did on

32:26goals, in fact I

32:27released it just a

32:28week ago if you

32:28want to dive in

32:29deeper and

32:30speaking of

32:31diving in

32:32deeper, I want

32:33to go to the

32:33second step that's

32:34going to help you

32:35tap into that

32:35self-motivation

32:36right when you

32:37really need to

32:38rev that engine

32:39back up and

32:40before we go

32:41there, let's go

32:42to a short word

32:43from our sponsors

32:44who helped me

32:44bring this to you

32:45at zero cost and

32:46look, I love our

32:47sponsors of the

32:48Mel Robbins

32:48podcast, why?

32:50I'll tell you

32:50why, because it's

32:51tied to my why.

32:53My enthusiasm is

32:54authentic, I not

32:55only love their

32:56products and services

32:57but I love the

32:58fact that they are

33:00the reason I can

33:01empower you with

33:02free content twice

33:03a week, they

33:04support the show.

33:05So take a

33:06listen and when

33:07we come back, we

33:08are going to talk

33:09about the essential

33:10second step to

33:12self-motivation.

33:13Don't go

33:13anywhere.

33:15Welcome back, it's

33:17your friend Mel, I

33:17am so glad you are

33:18here with me, I'm so

33:20glad that you have

33:20downloaded your

33:21workbook at

33:22melrobbins.com

33:23slash best year and

33:25I am thrilled that

33:26you are sharing this

33:27episode with anybody

33:29that needs to tap

33:30into self-motivation.

33:32All right, let me

33:34just recap where

33:34we've been, okay?

33:35You've learned that

33:36motivation is just

33:38feeling like doing

33:39something, that's

33:40all that it is.

33:41We talked briefly

33:42about dopamine and

33:44the fact that dopamine

33:45is a part of

33:46motivation but it's

33:48really part of the

33:49craving cycle, that

33:50when you crave

33:51something the

33:52dopamine effect is

33:53there and that's

33:54what is driving the

33:55motivation for you

33:57to move toward it

33:58but we are really

33:59focusing on what

34:01the heck do you

34:02do when you

34:03don't have the

34:03craving, when you

34:04don't feel motivated,

34:06when you don't feel

34:07like sitting down

34:08and cranking out a

34:09resume, when you

34:10don't want to dive

34:11into your taxes or

34:13go out on another

34:14date or spend a

34:15Sunday night prepping

34:16healthy snacks for

34:17the week or getting

34:19your desk or your

34:20closet organized,

34:21none of which

34:22anybody ever craves

34:24to do which is why

34:25we don't do it but

34:27you don't have to be

34:28stopped by that

34:29anymore, do you?

34:30Because you know

34:31that motivation is

34:33just a feeling and

34:34that there are going

34:34to be things that you

34:35have to do in your

34:36life that you don't

34:37want to do and so

34:38now you know you're

34:39going to have to hack

34:39this thing, right?

34:41So step one, you got

34:42to remind yourself why

34:43does this matter to

34:44you?

34:45Even the stupid little

34:46stuff, why does it

34:47matter to you to do

34:47the dishes?

34:48I'll tell you why

34:49because when I wake

34:50up in the morning and

34:51I walk into the

34:52kitchen and I want to

34:54have a nice cup of

34:55coffee and light my

34:56incense and start my

34:58day off right, you

34:59know what I don't

34:59want to see?

35:00I don't want to see

35:01a sink full of

35:03crusted, greasy,

35:06nasty ass dishes and

35:08pots from last night

35:09that are cold and

35:11gross and I don't

35:12want to roll up my

35:13pajama sleeves and

35:14stick my hands into

35:16the soapy water and

35:17have to scrub that

35:18stuff off because you

35:19know what?

35:19I'm going to be

35:20mad.

35:21I'm going to be mad

35:21that I left it for

35:22myself.

35:23I'm going to be mad

35:23that nobody else did

35:25it.

35:25I'm going to be mad

35:26that I left yesterday's

35:27mess for myself first

35:29thing in the morning

35:30to clean up because

35:30that's a stupid way to

35:32start the morning and

35:33I know that.

35:35So why is my why do

35:36the dishes at night?

35:37My why for doing the

35:39dishes after I cook is

35:41number one because I

35:43want to set myself up

35:44for a great morning.

35:46Number two, I know

35:47that even though it

35:48doesn't feel easier and

35:49even though I don't

35:50crave sticking my

35:51hands into the sink

35:52right now at night, I

35:53know that if I do it

35:55right now, I'm going

35:57to be better off.

35:58I know how good it

35:59feels when I'm done

36:00doing the dishes and

36:01I know that a little

36:02push right now to get

36:04me to do the dang

36:05dishes and get it done

36:07and wipe down the

36:08counters and go to

36:09bed with a clean

36:10kitchen, that matters

36:12more to me than how I

36:13feel right now about

36:14not doing it.

36:15So I don't sit around

36:16and wait to crave.

36:17I don't sit around

36:18and wait to feel

36:19motivated.

36:20I push myself to do

36:22it because it

36:23matters.

36:24It matters.

36:24And here's step

36:27two.

36:27You ready?

36:28This is so simple.

36:29Let's just take a

36:31page from Nike from

36:32the most powerful

36:33tagline on the planet

36:35of any brand

36:36anywhere.

36:38Just do it.

36:41Three words.

36:43Just do it.

36:46Do you know why that

36:47tagline is so powerful?

36:50I want you to stop and

36:51think about it.

36:52Just do it.

36:57I ask this question a lot

37:00when I'm giving a

37:01keynote speech and I'll

37:02stand in front of an

37:03audience of 10,000 people

37:05and say, in Nike's

37:09tagline, just do it.

37:11What do you think the

37:12single most important and

37:14powerful word of that

37:16tagline is?

37:17You know what everybody

37:19guess?

37:20Do.

37:21Do.

37:21And I don't blame them

37:22because I take an action

37:24first approach to life.

37:26But do is wrong.

37:27That's not the reason why

37:28that tagline is so

37:29powerful.

37:29You know what everybody

37:30guesses next when I tell

37:31them, nope, it's not do.

37:32It.

37:33It.

37:33You got to know what you

37:34want.

37:34That's true.

37:35That's true.

37:35You do need to know what

37:36you want.

37:37Because when you know what

37:38you want, you now can align

37:40your actions with it.

37:41But that's not why that

37:42tagline is powerful and I

37:43can prove it to you.

37:44Imagine if their tagline was

37:46just do it.

37:47Would that be that

37:48empowering?

37:49No.

37:50That's because the most

37:51powerful word in the entire

37:52tagline is just.

37:57Just is the universal moment

38:03of hesitation.

38:05It's that moment where you're

38:06standing on a sideline and

38:09you're thinking about whether

38:12you're going to jump into

38:14the game.

38:14You're thinking about whether

38:18or not you're going to do

38:19it.

38:21You're standing there because

38:23you're afraid or you feel

38:26unworthy or you feel like you

38:31might not be good enough to be

38:32in that game or now might not

38:34be the right time to jump into

38:35the game.

38:37See, all of those emotions that

38:39you feel, they don't motivate

38:41you.

38:42They drive you to hesitate

38:43because it's so easy, right, to

38:46stand on the sidelines and think

38:47about filling out applications or

38:49think about applying for that

38:51job or think about going out on

38:54another date.

38:55See, that's what Nike's

38:56referring to.

38:57How you and I sit in our heads and

38:59stand on the sidelines of life just

39:01waiting for inspiration or

39:02motivation to strike.

39:04That's why this tagline is so

39:05powerful because Nike knows we are

39:08not motivated to do things that

39:09scare us.

39:10We are not motivated to step

39:11into the game.

39:12We are not motivated when it

39:14comes to doing things that feel a

39:17little scary, that feel like they

39:19might challenge us, that feel like

39:20we might not be good enough.

39:22That's why they're saying just do

39:24it.

39:24They are calling you from the

39:26sidelines because guess what?

39:28There is greatness in you.

39:30Even when you don't feel like it,

39:32there is greatness for you to tap

39:34into.

39:35There is greatness that you can

39:37apply to this situation.

39:38So how the heck do you summon

39:41it?

39:41Just do it.

39:45Push through the hesitation because

39:48the power is in the action.

39:51Self-motivation means you

39:54understand what you need to do,

39:56why you need to do it, and you

39:58force yourself through the

40:00hesitation to do the thing you

40:04don't feel like doing, regardless

40:07of your emotions, despite the fact

40:09that you're not motivated.

40:11You do it because you know why

40:14this matters.

40:15And the reason why it matters is

40:17because every time you push through

40:20that hesitation, every time you push

40:22through the lack of motivation, you

40:24tap into the greatness that is inside

40:27of you.

40:28You open the doors to a life that

40:30you're meant to lead.

40:31It's only through the action.

40:34And I've come to believe it's only

40:36through learning how to push

40:38through that moment of fear, that

40:41moment of hesitation, those moments

40:43when you don't feel like it.

40:44That's how you tap into the

40:46greatness.

40:47And there's one other thing I want

40:48to share to you in this regard of

40:51just do it.

40:52Because the other night I was out to

40:54dinner with our daughter Sawyer and

40:55her boyfriend Gavin, and they knew

40:57that Oakley had not gotten into his

40:59school and they were asking, you

41:00know, how he's feeling.

41:01And we were just talking about how

41:03hard it is.

41:04I mean, how hard it is to just pick

41:07yourself back up, especially when you

41:11didn't get what you worked for and put

41:13your best effort forward, even though

41:15you feel like a loser, you feel like

41:17you failed or you feel like, why bother?

41:20And Gavin was kind of reflecting on his

41:23kind of college process.

41:24And he had this really awesome philosophy.

41:31I'm going to steal this because I

41:33freaking love this.

41:34And it's something that he learned from

41:36his coach when he was playing D1

41:38lacrosse, fail at full speed.

41:43In life, I want you to fail at full

41:46speed.

41:48If you're going to apply to a top school

41:50or to your dream job, or you're going

41:53to try to overcome your health

41:54challenges, I want you to know in your

41:56heart that you ran at that thing as

41:58hard as you freaking could.

42:02That if you wanted it, if you know why

42:04you wanted it, that you freaking

42:06attacked it, no matter how you feel in

42:09this moment, that you don't let the

42:11temporary feeling stop you from giving

42:14your all when the moment matters.

42:16And you know what I also love about

42:18this?

42:18Well, first of all, I love no motivation

42:20required.

42:23It didn't say when you're motivated,

42:25make sure you fail full speed.

42:27No.

42:29Motivation is not part of this.

42:31It's a hundred percent about who you

42:35are being.

42:36If you're going to fail at full speed,

42:39you're not going to wait around to feel

42:41motivated to do that.

42:42You're going to push yourself.

42:44That's a, that's an ethos.

42:45That's a philosophy about how you attack

42:48the things that matter to you.

42:49I mean, don't you want to be that kind

42:50of person that gave it your all when it

42:53comes to the things that you really

42:54want in your life?

42:57I mean, I can't imagine any worse

42:58feeling than living with regret.

43:02Knowing that you just gave up.

43:06You just said, whatever.

43:08I don't feel like it.

43:09I know it matters to me.

43:10I'd, I'd be willing to live with this

43:12heartache for my whole life knowing I

43:14didn't truly take my best shot rather

43:17than the heartbreak of going for it and

43:20being told no.

43:22I mean, wouldn't you rather fail at

43:24everything knowing that you tried as

43:26hard as you could?

43:28I would.

43:30I'd rather do that than be successful

43:33to everybody on the outside, but know

43:35deep on the inside, I cut corners.

43:37I cheated my way there.

43:39I didn't really earn it.

43:40So, and here's the thing, fail at full

43:46speed.

43:48It's about putting your heart into

43:50something that matters to you, running

43:52at the ball.

43:53But I do want to add one caveat because

43:57I have said a lot in our conversations,

44:01especially recently, that you must slow

44:03down before you can step on the

44:05accelerator.

44:06Being clear about the direction that

44:09you're headed in, way more important

44:11than how fast you're going.

44:12There are so many people just running

44:14in circles, no idea where they're

44:16headed, going nowhere fast.

44:18So let me explain what full speed

44:21means.

44:24It means slowing down so you understand

44:30what you want and why.

44:32And once you figure out what you want

44:39and why you want it, it means giving it

44:42your very best effort.

44:47Whatever best means today.

44:50And there are going to be those days

44:51where you only have 20% to give or 30%

44:55to give or 40% to give.

44:57That was me for the past two months.

44:58I have been exhausted.

45:00I have worked way too much this year.

45:04But if 20% effort is everything that

45:08you've got today and you give 20%,

45:11that's 100% effort.

45:14That's full speed.

45:15That's what I'm talking about.

45:16I learned that from my friend and brain

45:19coach, Jim Quick, who appeared on this

45:21podcast about a month ago.

45:24And only you know how much you have to

45:26give today.

45:27And I love that.

45:28I love that because there are going to

45:29be times in your life where you just

45:31got 20% in the tank, but you're going to

45:33give it.

45:34And only you know how much you have to

45:37give.

45:37Only you know whether or not you're

45:39giving it your all.

45:40And you also know, by the way, when

45:43you're standing on the sidelines

45:44listening to the excuses.

45:45And so when it comes to self-motivation,

45:49just come back to this advice over and

45:51over and over again.

45:53These two simple steps are all you need

45:55to know.

45:56Seriously, anytime I find myself

45:58hesitating or feeling unmotivated, you

46:00know what I do?

46:00I remind myself why this matters.

46:03Doing the dishes.

46:04I don't feel like doing them for a

46:05minute.

46:05Why do I do the dishes?

46:06Okay, yeah, that's right.

46:07That's right.

46:08I'm going to push myself to do it.

46:10For the big things, for the little

46:12things, it will summon the exact clarity

46:15that you need.

46:16It will cut through the emotions of the

46:17moment and it will give you exactly what

46:19you need to do next.

46:21It works for me.

46:22I know it'll work for you.

46:23So stop waiting around to feel like it.

46:30Motivation is not coming.

46:32If it's not something you crave, dopamine

46:34is not going to help.

46:36And it doesn't matter because now you

46:39know the two simple steps and the truth

46:41about self-motivation.

46:42It is there for you.

46:44If you understand what you want and you

46:47remind yourself of why you want it, and

46:50then you got to just do it.

46:52Use the five-second rule.

46:54Five, four, three, two, one, and push

46:56yourself through the excuse and take

46:58the action.

47:00Fail at full speed.

47:03And I have a feeling you're not going to

47:04fail at all.

47:06And don't ever forget, I will be here

47:09twice a week, right by your side,

47:12reminding you every step of the way that

47:15yes, there is greatness inside of you.

47:19And in case no one else tells you today,

47:22let me be the one to say,

47:24I love you and I believe in you and

47:26your ability to create a better life.

47:29Now go do it.

47:31And thank you so much for being here on

47:33YouTube.

47:33Do not forget to get your download.

47:37MelRobbins.com slash best you're ever.

47:39Boom.

47:39And more importantly, subscribe to the

47:41channel really helps us bring you amazing

47:43stuff like this.

47:44And I know you want more motivation.

47:45Listen to this next.

47:46Bye.

47:47Bye.

47:48Bye.

47:49Bye.

47:50Bye.

47:51Bye.

47:52Bye.

47:53Bye.

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