Have Got News for You Season 70 Episode 03
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Short filmTranscript
00:00Good evening, welcome to Have I Got News For You, I'm Alexander Armstrong.
00:10In the news this week, in Courchevel, Prince Andrew and Fergie put another bad week behind them with a relaxing ski break.
00:17In Pyongyang, after three and a half weeks of constipation, a much-needed suppository arrives for Kim Jong-un.
00:32And in Arbroath, at the opening of an exhibition on the history of trowels,
00:45one woman wonders how long it'll be before she can sneak out for a fag.
00:59On his team tonight is a comedian who recently appeared in a TV show about sharks,
01:03in which one of them actually bit his leg.
01:06A shocking, unpleasant experience, but that tastes probably out of its mouth by now.
01:09Please welcome Ross Noble.
01:15On Paul's team tonight is a journalist who says the worst part of attending the Riyadh Comedy Festival
01:21was being made to applaud Saudi Arabia's authoritarian rulers,
01:24although that was before she had to watch Jimmy Carr.
01:27Please welcome Helen Lewis.
01:29And we begin with the bigger news stories of the week.
01:35Ian and Ross, this is yours.
01:38It's the Holy Land as the Messiah's arrived.
01:43It's a message to himself.
01:45I'm brilliant.
01:46Yep.
01:47It's me.
01:49This is a sort of grudging praise week.
01:52He's done it.
01:53He's done it.
01:54He's solved it.
01:55And that's the end of it now.
01:57Yeah.
01:58It's just gone.
01:59Yes, this is news that Donald Trump has brought peace to Gaza.
02:02What did Trump receive in the Knesset?
02:04He received lashings, treacle loads of praise.
02:08Yes.
02:09And again, largely from himself.
02:11It was incredible to watch.
02:13And he said that everyone had spoken for too long.
02:15And then he said, and I told you, your policy of kill, kill, kill, kill.
02:20I mean, that's not going to work.
02:21I mean, that is the first time it's been described in those terms.
02:26It was like the world's weirdest father of the bride speech.
02:29It had that air.
02:30Late in the evening.
02:31What's he going to say?
02:34And he did a thing where, oh, you've got great weapons.
02:36We sold them to you.
02:38The statesmanlike demeanour for which he has become famous.
02:40Yes, he got several standing ovations, didn't he?
02:42Endless applause, had over two hours of praise.
02:45Writing about it in the Times, Tom Peck said,
02:47Flattery, the Israeli once said, is best laid on with a trowel.
02:51In the Israeli parliament, they laid it on with a JCP.
02:55What's the headache now for Netanyahu, though?
02:57Well, the corruption charges that are hanging over his head might be an issue.
03:00Well, exactly.
03:01But Trump's on that too.
03:02He said to the Israeli president, Isaac Herzog, he said,
03:04Come on, forget about it.
03:07But he said in his speech, he said,
03:09I have an idea.
03:10Why don't you give Netanyahu a pardon?
03:12Cigars and champagne.
03:13Who the hell cares?
03:16That was the corruption, not a reward.
03:18Yeah.
03:19Where did Trump go after the Knesset?
03:21He went to Sharm el-Sheikh.
03:22He did.
03:23Here is Trump getting back on Air Force One.
03:24I'd love you just to watch this and perhaps explain to me what's going on.
03:28What's going on?
03:47Is that Tony Blair?
03:52Who was waiting for Trump in Egypt when he got there?
03:54That bloke.
03:57He gave a conference.
03:58A peace conference.
03:59In which no one else spoke.
04:01Oh, no, to be fair.
04:03No, I'm...
04:04Keir Starmer did.
04:05He called...
04:06Where's UK?
04:07Where's UK?
04:09He called...
04:11Get back.
04:12And he had to slink away.
04:14Where's UK?
04:15Didn't even know his name.
04:17Let's have a look at this.
04:18This is Keir Starmer thinking he's about to be asked to speak to the world.
04:21Aw.
04:22Where's United Kingdom?
04:23Where's Russia?
04:24Where...
04:25Come here.
04:26Oh.
04:27Is everything all good?
04:28Very good.
04:29It's very nice that you're here.
04:30These people all came in like...
04:3320...
04:3420 minute notice.
04:36And I think it's fantastic.
04:37And we have so many others.
04:39And just so many others.
04:40And...
04:44Have you got the handshake he did with President Macron?
04:46We do, yes.
04:47Let's hear that.
04:48Oh.
04:49Oh.
04:50Oh.
04:51Fantastic.
04:52Ah.
04:53You're going to have to get the UN to separate them.
04:56So how much credit should the UK get for peace in Gaza?
05:05Well it depends which American you believe doesn't it?
05:07Well this is true.
05:08I mean they were two weren't there Helen?
05:09Yeah.
05:10Bridget Philipson said we were great.
05:11We were actually...
05:12You know you didn't hear a lot about peace in Gaza.
05:14We were great.
05:15We were great.
05:16We were great.
05:17You know.
05:18It's amazing.
05:19So how much credit should the UK get for peace in Gaza?
05:20Well it depends which American you believe doesn't it?
05:21Well this is true.
05:22I mean there were two weren't there Helen?
05:23Yeah.
05:24We were great.
05:24We were actually, you know, you didn't hear a lot about it
05:26because we don't like to boast,
05:26but actually we were vital behind the scenes.
05:29And Mike Huckabee, as the US ambassador to Israel, said,
05:32no.
05:32This is right.
05:33Bridget Phillipson said,
05:34we played a key role behind the scenes in shaping this.
05:37Mike Huckabee then said,
05:38I assure you, she's delusional.
05:42It's been a good week for Trump.
05:44Something has dampened his mood, though.
05:45What might that have been?
05:46Was it the cover of Time magazine?
05:49That's right.
05:49He was all jowly and his hair looked thin.
05:52Didn't like it.
05:53He's not happy with that at all.
05:54I believe he had what young people called a neck-ussie.
05:57Yeah, a neck-ussie.
05:58Tell us, neck, what's the ussie?
05:59You can work it out for you.
06:00OK, yes, got it.
06:03Thank you very much.
06:04No, he said about the Time front cover,
06:07he said, they disappeared.
06:09They disappeared my hair
06:11and then had something floating on top of my head
06:14that looked like a floating crown,
06:15but an extremely small one.
06:17That was the letter M in Time.
06:18Yes, let's have a look at it.
06:20There it is.
06:21It's more party hat than crown, isn't it?
06:25Or horns, maybe.
06:27Yeah, or playboy ears.
06:29Yes.
06:30Trump wrote on Truth Social,
06:32the picture may be the worst of all time.
06:36Go on, Donald.
06:37It's not as bad as this one.
06:38Closer to home, what's rumbling on for Starmer?
06:50The Chinese spy case.
06:51This is absolutely right.
06:52No-one seeming to be able to buy the government's claims
06:55that the case collapsing wasn't their fault.
06:57Tory MP Tom Tugendhat described Labour's excuses
07:00as pure fabrication.
07:02The problem is essentially Labour said,
07:03well, this all happened when the Tories were in government
07:05and the Tories said this was Labour's screw-up,
07:07and I'm afraid it's one of those stories
07:08that slightly makes my eyes cross.
07:11Trying to retain the details of it is almost impossible.
07:13Well, I think the cover that China may not be our best friends
07:17may have been blown a while back.
07:19I mean, there are a few giveaway clues
07:21that I would have brought up in the trial.
07:23Hong Kong.
07:25They're an ally of Russia's.
07:26I don't know.
07:30You know, I'm not an espionage expert,
07:31but my guess is this isn't good.
07:34Yeah.
07:36And also, they're listening to you through your toaster,
07:39which I don't like.
07:44What sort of toaster have you got?
07:45Um, I suppose I should...
07:49It's the Huawei spy toaster.
07:53It's very confusing, that in Newcastle.
07:56That company, Huawei, is very...
07:58Huawei, Huawei, Huawei, Huawei.
08:01The head of MI5 said,
08:03yeah, of course China's a threat.
08:04They're a threat every day.
08:06And my toaster agrees.
08:07Look, I'm not an expert,
08:11but they're so desperate for all this information
08:16that it seems to call into question
08:19how effective fortune cookies are.
08:22You know what I mean?
08:25Think about it.
08:31Can I just congratulate everybody on the panel
08:33for not saying what is the takeaway from this Chinese...
08:35Oh, no.
08:37Oh, no.
08:38This is Donald Trump's peace plan for Gaza.
08:44At one point, members of the Knesset chanted
08:46Trump, Trump, Trump,
08:48though it's unclear why they were singing
08:50Nelly the Elephant in the first place.
08:53In other news,
08:54the row over China's espionage threat continues.
08:56According to one government spokesperson,
08:58Chinese espionage is threatening
08:59the UK's economic prosperity.
09:01Great, can I use that, said Rachel Reeves.
09:06According to the Times,
09:07the Times Chinese companies have been buying sticks
09:08in Britain's infrastructure,
09:10including 9% of Thames water.
09:12The other 91% of Thames water
09:14is, of course, turds.
09:17Paul and Helen,
09:18it's yours.
09:20Oh, right, yes.
09:21So the Beverly Sisters
09:22are coming back.
09:22This is sumo wrestlers, obviously.
09:26That's their breakfast there being sorted out.
09:29Oh, they're on tour now.
09:30They've come to London and they've been taking in all the sights.
09:32Yes.
09:32Yes.
09:32Yes.
09:33By standing with their back to them.
09:35Yes.
09:35So sumo wrestling has come into the Royal Albert Hall
09:37for the first time in 50 years.
09:39Yeah.
09:39I was really pleased
09:40that this question has come up
09:42because I was in Kensington this morning
09:44and I saw an enormous sumo wrestler
09:46standing at the bus stop.
09:48Yeah.
09:49I've been staying just next to where the Albert Hall is
09:52and I saw a few of them
09:53and I genuinely,
09:54and I didn't know either,
09:55and I genuinely had this thought.
09:57I went,
09:57there's a lot of sumos around today.
10:02Yeah, I mean,
10:03so it's the first time,
10:04it's actually 34 years.
10:0534 years.
10:06And in those days,
10:07the big name in sumo was
10:08Konishiki Yasokichi.
10:09Yes.
10:10He was known as Dump Truck.
10:13Or Meat Bomb.
10:15Take a look.
10:16Here they are arriving at Heathrow.
10:21Yeah, all together,
10:22they look a normal size.
10:24You need the comparison.
10:26Is that their lunch?
10:30The Grand Sumo Tournament's
10:32taking place at the Albert Hall.
10:33What backstage precautions
10:35have organisers had today?
10:36Probably reinforcing the floor.
10:38Yes.
10:39Reinforcing the toilet.
10:40Reinforcing the toilet.
10:41200 kilograms.
10:43Well, you don't want Dump Truck
10:44coming along, do you?
10:46Meat Bomb.
10:47Meat Bomb.
10:48Yeah.
10:49What's so special about
10:50the sumo loincloth,
10:51the mawashi?
10:52It's only mawashi'd once.
10:58I'm having a flashback to Aladdin.
11:03It's 30 feet long
11:04and actually it is never washed.
11:06Isn't it?
11:07Because to do so
11:08would remove the wrestler's
11:09previous experience.
11:13Well, yes.
11:14That's surely the point.
11:18Now, can you answer me this?
11:19They're famous for
11:20retracting their testicles.
11:22That's who?
11:24What?
11:24Super wrestler.
11:25I thought we might have
11:31moved on to another question.
11:33We might be doing
11:34the shadow cabinet or something.
11:35I don't know.
11:36Hardly training
11:37is they're able to
11:39through
11:40through muscle control
11:42they're able to
11:43retract
11:44the testicles
11:45like
11:46pull them up inside
11:47and then
11:48I mean,
11:49I don't know
11:49if someone
11:49can have
11:50told me
11:50but
11:51if we dump truck
11:53you'd have our job
11:54finding them
11:54in the first place.
11:56Sticking with
11:57ancient and hallowed
11:58sporting rituals
11:59what is going on here?
12:03Oh,
12:03this is the
12:04World Conquer Champion.
12:05We've just had
12:06the Conquer Championships
12:06and he's won.
12:08That is the crowning
12:09of King Conquer,
12:10the winner of
12:10the World Conquer Championships,
12:1137-year-old
12:12Matt Cross
12:13from Lincolnshire.
12:14Yeah.
12:14I'm absolutely speechless.
12:16He lied.
12:17Yeah.
12:19I mean,
12:20if anyone's King Conquer
12:21surely it should be
12:21this person.
12:22Look at this.
12:24They'll have our job
12:25attracting them,
12:26wouldn't they?
12:27The Conquer competition
12:29has got a fascinating history
12:30though.
12:30Do you know how it started?
12:31Just extreme boredom.
12:33According to
12:34committee member
12:34St. John Burkett
12:35the tournament
12:35began in 1965
12:36when some men
12:38were going to go fishing
12:39and...
12:40That's how a lot of stuff happens.
12:43Staying with sport,
12:45what has Cabo Verde achieved?
12:47Oh,
12:47they've qualified
12:48for the World Cup.
12:48They have.
12:49They beat the mighty
12:50Eswatini.
12:50They're a very small team,
12:51very small island,
12:52isn't it?
12:52Yeah,
12:53the size of what?
12:54A walnut.
12:54Size of Sheffield.
12:57Do you like the fact
12:58that you start talking
12:58about football
12:59and Ian and I
13:00retracted
13:01like the balls
13:04of a sumo?
13:06England also qualified
13:07for the World Cup.
13:08Yeah.
13:08Why is Gary Neville
13:09a wanker?
13:12Ian.
13:12In the eyes
13:14of many England fans.
13:16He was on this show
13:18well.
13:18He was, yeah.
13:19That doesn't make
13:19anyone a wanker
13:20automatically.
13:21I think he finally does.
13:24I thought it was
13:25a prerequisite.
13:28England fans
13:29were unhappy
13:30that Gary Neville
13:31had ordered
13:31the union flag
13:32to be taken off
13:33a building
13:33that he had.
13:34Yes,
13:34it was being used
13:35in a negative fashion
13:36and after the game
13:37on Wednesday night
13:38the England fans
13:39sang
13:39Gary Neville
13:40you're a wanker
13:41you're a wanker
13:42to the tune
13:42of the
13:43Alleluia Chorus.
13:44Yeah.
13:45Handles Messiah.
13:46Yeah.
13:47Will you be playing
13:47that on Classic FM?
13:50Will you be
13:50recording it
13:51and putting it
13:52on your next album?
13:53Yeah,
13:53almost certainly.
13:55On savoury
13:57choral chants.
14:00A selection
14:01of Gregorian filth.
14:03Oh,
14:04I bet there was some.
14:05Talking about
14:05exciting big world events,
14:07Helen,
14:07and where have you just been?
14:08Yes,
14:08I went to the
14:09first ever
14:09Riyadh
14:10stand-up comedy festival.
14:11How did you do?
14:13I've got a tight five
14:14of my best
14:15women's lib material.
14:16Very well.
14:17Yeah,
14:17this is a place
14:18where women only
14:18were allowed to drive
14:19in 2019
14:20so you can still,
14:21if you've got any
14:22old women driver's material,
14:23really,
14:23it was still very fresh
14:24to them.
14:26Did you not get
14:27the calls on?
14:28No,
14:28of course I didn't.
14:28No,
14:28I didn't get the calls.
14:29Not Saudi Pointless?
14:29No.
14:30Saudi Pointless?
14:31Yeah.
14:31Yeah,
14:31you could have called it
14:32Saudi Headless.
14:35I was furious.
14:36I wasn't even offered it.
14:38I wasn't even offered.
14:39I would have had
14:40some of that
14:40sweet blood money.
14:43But luckily,
14:45I'm in the running
14:45for the
14:46Boca Haram
14:47Giggle Fest.
14:48Stand up for Isis.
14:58I don't know.
15:01This is the Royal Albert Hall,
15:02which is hosting a sumo
15:03wrestling competition,
15:04or Basho,
15:05who I haven't seen
15:06since school.
15:07Yeah.
15:10And so...
15:11Oh,
15:11you've been retracting those.
15:12Yeah.
15:12You've gone too far.
15:26You should have stopped
15:26at the eyebrows.
15:29And so,
15:29to round two,
15:30the telepathic
15:31transmitter of news.
15:33I am going to
15:33conjure up a news story
15:35using simply
15:36the power of my mind.
15:37Right,
15:38okay.
15:39It's like being on
15:40with a Teletubby.
15:43Okay.
15:54Does it involve
15:55the word wrong-in?
15:58They see his own helmet
15:59has taken the piss
16:00out of him.
16:01Champion.
16:04This is yet more news
16:05of Prince Andrew's
16:06relationship with
16:06Jeffrey Epstein.
16:08He was discovered
16:08telling the same lie
16:09as his wife.
16:10He announced that
16:11he had no further
16:12contact with Epstein,
16:14the pedo...
16:15person.
16:18What a very polite
16:19way of putting it.
16:20I say,
16:20you pedo person.
16:23The politeness
16:24never hurt.
16:24Exactly.
16:25He announced
16:28in the Emily
16:29Make this interview
16:30that after a certain
16:31date he went
16:32over to New York
16:33and said,
16:34this is it,
16:35I can't have any
16:36contact with you
16:36anymore,
16:36and then an email
16:37turned up.
16:38Exactly right.
16:38So it was a reported
16:39leaked email from 2011
16:41sent the day after
16:42the photo of the Duke
16:43posing with Virginia
16:44Giffray was published.
16:45Andrew writes in it,
16:46it would seem
16:47we are in this together
16:48and we will have
16:49to rise above it.
16:49I'm just as concerned
16:50for you,
16:51don't worry about me.
16:52Keep in close touch
16:53and we'll play some
16:54more soon.
16:56Ugh.
16:57What punishment
16:58is Andrew facing?
17:00Is it none?
17:01Well,
17:02according to the
17:02Daily Mail,
17:03one option for the
17:04disgraced Duke
17:05is banning him
17:06from shooting
17:06on the Royal Estate.
17:08Oh.
17:08Could they not
17:09deprint him?
17:11Is there a
17:11mechanism for that?
17:12Don't know if they
17:13can do that,
17:13but they could
17:14strip him
17:15of his remaining
17:15honours.
17:16What,
17:16just call him
17:17the artist
17:17formerly known
17:18as?
17:22The trouble is,
17:24right,
17:24they've at least
17:24got him under
17:25control at the
17:25moment,
17:26but he will
17:27literally do
17:28anything for cash.
17:29So if they
17:29force him out,
17:31he'll be doing
17:31panto,
17:32mosque,
17:32thing,
17:33yeah.
17:34He'll be doing
17:34a real stand-up
17:35comedy.
17:35You won't be.
17:37I mean,
17:37he's still a
17:38knight of the garter,
17:40and they could
17:40strip him of that.
17:41What,
17:41is it any special
17:42sort of privilege
17:43to be in a knight
17:44of the garter?
17:44You get 10%
17:45off sports equipment
17:46or something?
17:47He doesn't take
17:48a part in any
17:49of the public
17:49aspects of the
17:50annual ceremony
17:51of the knights
17:51of the garter.
17:52Instead,
17:53he's apparently
17:53confined to the
17:54private parts.
17:57I think he's not
17:57allowed to go to
17:57church at Christmas.
17:59Oh,
17:59that's come from
18:00God.
18:01Yeah.
18:03Meanwhile,
18:03in other royal news,
18:04what were the
18:05king and queen
18:05given this week?
18:07They were given
18:08Lego versions of
18:09themselves.
18:10On a visit to
18:11a community hall
18:11near Balmoral,
18:12the local Lego
18:13club presented
18:13them with these
18:14homemade efforts.
18:17Is that Prince
18:17Andrew in the
18:18background?
18:21Also,
18:22during the visit,
18:23the king and
18:24queen were treated
18:24to a performance
18:25by a fiddler.
18:27Who was the
18:28fiddler?
18:28I was thinking
18:29of Baroness Moan.
18:32Figures.
18:33It was clean.
18:36There's a game
18:37short.
18:37Fiddler's Three.
18:38You've got
18:39Moon,
18:39you've got
18:40the...
18:40Move on.
18:43Take it away.
18:46Fingers on
18:47buzzers,
18:47team.
18:47Here we go.
18:48This is working
18:49really well by
18:50then.
18:50Yeah,
18:50it's good.
18:53Oh,
18:53I'm being
18:53hypnotized.
18:55What's going on?
18:57Paul and
18:58Helen.
18:58Potholes.
18:59Dinosaur
19:02prints.
19:02Yeah,
19:02dinosaur
19:03prints.
19:03Dinosaur
19:03prints.
19:04They found
19:04a big quarry,
19:06they blew it
19:06up and
19:07there's this
19:07dinosaur that
19:08walked across
19:08there sometime
19:09last week,
19:10they think.
19:12Longest sort
19:12of track of
19:13dinosaur prints
19:14ever discovered.
19:14Exactly right.
19:15200
19:16footprints.
19:17And there's a
19:17bit where the
19:17dinosaur stopped
19:18and I sort of
19:19look around and
19:20go, oh, am I
19:21going to go
19:21extinct?
19:22Yeah,
19:22I mean,
19:22they said that.
19:24Yeah.
19:25They said that it
19:25was a four-legged
19:26creature walking
19:27along.
19:28Yeah.
19:28Could be two-legged
19:29doing a chorus
19:29line.
19:32But yes,
19:32it's 220 meters
19:33long.
19:34Yeah.
19:34Do you want to
19:34see the recreation
19:35of the dinosaur
19:36responsible?
19:37This is a
19:37Cetiosaurus.
19:38Right,
19:39okay.
19:39We can start to
19:40animate this
19:41skeleton to make
19:43the feet hit the
19:45footfalls, hit the
19:46tracks where they
19:47should be.
19:48It kind of is a
19:48stroll, really,
19:49isn't it?
19:49Yeah, it is.
19:50It's not moving
19:50particularly fast,
19:51two meters per
19:52second.
19:53It's about the
19:53same speed as a
19:54human would walk
19:55quickly.
19:56And so it looks
19:56like it's paused,
19:58maybe looked behind
19:59it, and then kept
20:00moving along in
20:02this direction.
20:02What a great job.
20:03What a great job.
20:04What am I going to
20:05need to say?
20:05I'm going to animate
20:06a dinosaur, see how
20:07it walked.
20:07Oh, it walked like
20:08you'd expect a
20:09dinosaur to walk.
20:10If that was your
20:11job, you'd get
20:12bored by lunchtime,
20:13and then you'd have
20:14it on a giant
20:15pogo stick.
20:16Just land it like
20:18boing, boing,
20:19boing, boing.
20:20Hey!
20:21This is the news
20:22that paleontologists
20:23have unearthed one
20:24of the longest
20:25continuous dinosaur
20:26trackways ever
20:26found.
20:27The excavation shows
20:28that 166 million
20:30years ago, Oxford
20:31was home to a large
20:31number of dinosaurs,
20:33although I imagine
20:33most of them got in
20:34on sports scholarships.
20:37At the time the
20:38footprints were made,
20:39Britain was still
20:40part of Europe,
20:41until a group of
20:41short-sighted dinosaurs
20:42decided that we should
20:43take back...
20:44I know those
20:48side sauce.
20:49They were called
20:49T-brex.
20:54Fingers on
20:55buzzers, T.
21:03Paul and Helen.
21:04People are stretching
21:05cats in Luton.
21:06This is a vet's
21:09bills, isn't it?
21:09It is exactly right.
21:11There's going to be a
21:12new sort of regulation
21:13come in, so people
21:14have to advertise how
21:15much it costs to have
21:16your cat operated on.
21:17There have been huge
21:18price increases since
21:182016, caused mainly
21:20by large corporations
21:21buying up smaller
21:22independent veterinary
21:23practices.
21:24So you don't get the
21:25choice.
21:26You don't get the
21:26choice.
21:26And also, once you're
21:27in, it's very difficult
21:29to stop spending money.
21:30Very.
21:30How did one vet defend
21:33the costs to the BBC
21:34this week?
21:35Lots of very expensive
21:35equipment.
21:36Yes, the MRI machine
21:37costs like half a quarter
21:39of a million pounds.
21:40And she wanted a Porsche.
21:45They said, though we
21:46love our pets, ultimately
21:47they are a luxury item.
21:49Who passes a quick game?
21:51Quick game.
21:51I'm going to test your
21:52knowledge of veterinary
21:53costs with a game of
21:53higher or lower.
21:55Let's start with a dog
21:56deworming procedure.
21:57How much that costs?
21:58800 quid.
21:59No, lower.
22:00Lower, 400 quid.
22:02Lower, no, lower.
22:05200 quid.
22:07100 pounds, 100 pounds.
22:09She's still lower.
22:0920.
22:1020 pounds is exactly
22:11right, it's a bargain.
22:12That's a bargain.
22:12Might have one myself.
22:13Yeah.
22:15Higher or lower?
22:16A pet haircut.
22:17I can't be any more
22:18specific than that.
22:18Higher.
22:19Yes, higher.
22:20Do they charge more
22:21for lady cats?
22:22I don't know.
22:23They do not.
22:24210.
22:25More, more.
22:26300.
22:26Higher, higher.
22:27400.
22:27400, thank you very much.
22:28Next one.
22:29Higher or lower,
22:30having your rabbit castrated?
22:31Oh.
22:33Well, you can do it
22:34for nothing at home.
22:35Well, you can do it.
22:37You need two copies
22:38of the Encyclopedia
22:38Botanica.
22:40That's how you get
22:41the rabbit
22:42if it won't drink.
22:43Right.
22:43So you put a ball of water
22:44in front of it.
22:45Yeah.
22:45You get the Encyclopedia,
22:46bang on its balls,
22:47it goes,
22:48and then nothing.
22:50That's the only way
22:50to do it.
22:51Does that work
22:52on sumo wrestlers?
22:54You can't do it.
22:54You creep up on
22:55a sumo wrestler
22:56with the Encyclopedia
22:57of Britannica.
22:58And they're gone.
22:59They're just laughing
22:59in your face.
23:00You're retracting.
23:01You actually need
23:02two bookcases.
23:05160 for rabbit castration.
23:07And that's the end
23:08of the game.
23:09Oh, wow.
23:09That's brilliant.
23:10Thank you very much.
23:11I love that.
23:12Yeah.
23:12Thank you very much.
23:13Fantastic.
23:14And now for the
23:15Missing Words Round,
23:16which this week
23:16features as its guest
23:17publication Ant Keeper
23:18magazine,
23:19and we start with
23:20Kim Kardashian
23:21launches new range
23:22of underwear
23:23that what?
23:24Likes a challenge.
23:27The sad thing is,
23:28I know this one,
23:29they've got a muff on them.
23:30They're hairy.
23:31Yes.
23:32That's absolutely right.
23:33Yes, that is hairy.
23:34Here is one of Kim's
23:35faux hair micro-thongs
23:37on set.
23:40So that's known
23:41as the Bin Laden.
23:42Yeah.
23:44And it can also be
23:45flipped the other way up
23:46to Guard Buckingham Palace.
23:48Yeah.
23:51They come in a range
23:52of colours.
23:53Here's another.
23:55For the mature lady.
23:56Yeah.
23:57Useful in the coming months
24:00if you need to dress up
24:01as Father Christmas
24:01in shortness.
24:03Is it just me
24:04or could you
24:04go some super noodles?
24:09Put it away
24:09or hope you're
24:10making me hungry.
24:17Save it.
24:18Save it for Riyadh.
24:20You don't get that
24:21on the buffet.
24:23I fancy a Chinese takeaway.
24:25You're not in front
24:26of the tourster.
24:30We should have done
24:31the whole show like that.
24:34Next.
24:35What weighs more
24:36than all the birds
24:37and mammals
24:38in the world combined?
24:39Is it your mum?
24:44Sorry.
24:44I know this.
24:47It's the world's population
24:48of ants.
24:48It is exactly that.
24:49The total mass
24:50of the planet's ants.
24:51Absolutely right.
24:52That's according to
24:52Professor I Reckon
24:53from the University
24:54of Wild Gas.
24:59Next.
25:00Michael Gove says
25:00he got bored
25:01while what?
25:02Waiting to be seen
25:03at the clap clinic.
25:04I'm not saying
25:07he was going to
25:07get a clean bill
25:08of health.
25:09It's getting divorced
25:11isn't it?
25:11That's exactly right.
25:12Divorcing his wife.
25:13Gove and his wife
25:14have been separated
25:15for a while now.
25:16If you're wondering
25:16about his current
25:17sleeping arrangements
25:18he's now a member
25:18of the House of Law.
25:21Next.
25:21According to Ant Expert
25:23the best ant joke
25:24is what?
25:25There's two ants
25:26playing football
25:26in a saucer
25:28and one says to the other
25:29we've got to keep
25:30practicing
25:30we're in the cup
25:30next week.
25:31Cup saucer.
25:32Great.
25:35Thank you very much.
25:36Next year
25:37is the best ant joke
25:38in the world
25:38according to the Ant Expert.
25:40Here we go.
25:40If ants are so busy
25:41how come they have
25:42time to go to
25:43all the picnics?
25:47This is of course
25:48from Ant Keeper magazine.
25:49For a relaxing read
25:51put the kettle on
25:51make a cup of tea
25:52and pour the rest
25:52of the boiling water
25:53on the ants.
25:56Finally
25:56woman who regularly
25:57what?
25:58says she took
25:59inspiration from
25:59watching monkeys.
26:00Paint her arse red.
26:02We've seen them
26:04in Safeways
26:05haven't we?
26:05We've seen them
26:06and it throws
26:08our shit
26:09at school children.
26:12No
26:12she's a woman
26:13who walks around
26:14on all fours.
26:15Here is nature lover
26:15Alexia Craft de Lasseau
26:17on ITV's
26:18This Morning
26:18recently.
26:19Come on in
26:20Alexia.
26:22Look how graceful
26:23she is.
26:24There's grace
26:25and elegance
26:26to that
26:26that it's
26:26remarkable
26:27Alexia.
26:28It's absolutely
26:29incredible.
26:30Good morning.
26:31Good morning.
26:32Get off the sofa
26:33Alexia.
26:36Alexia has
26:37181,000 followers
26:38mostly dogs.
26:41So the final scores
26:42are Ian and Ross
26:43have four
26:44Paul and Helen
26:45have eight.
26:46Eight.
26:47I don't know
26:47that was just
26:48so fascinating.
26:50Absolutely
26:50but before we go
26:52there's just time
26:52for the caption
26:53competition.
26:54Paul and Helen
26:54get this.
26:56England football team
26:57deny cocaine abuse.
26:58Ian and Ross
27:01have this.
27:03Do you think
27:03we've overdone
27:04the ozempic?
27:06I think somebody's
27:07saying sorry lads
27:09you're going to
27:09have to play the
27:10piano because
27:10you clearly
27:11haven't got
27:11organs.
27:14Excellent.
27:18On which note
27:19we say thank you
27:20to our panellists
27:21Ian Hislop and
27:21Ross Noble
27:22Paul Merton
27:22and Helen Lewis
27:23and I leave you
27:24with news that
27:25in Litchfield
27:26King Charles
27:27pays a visit
27:28to Michael
27:28Fabricant
27:29as he recovers
27:30from getting
27:30his fingers
27:30stuck in a
27:31plug socket.
27:31Two property
27:35developers decide
27:36on the best
27:37location for
27:37the new
27:38Super
27:38McDonald's
27:39and in
27:42Westminster
27:43there's an
27:43embarrassing
27:44moment for
27:44one employee
27:45as he shows
27:45up dressed
27:46as Frankenstein
27:47two weeks
27:47early for
27:48the office
27:48Halloween
27:48party.
27:52Good night.
27:52From Sally
28:07Wainwright
28:07creator of
28:08Happy Valley
28:09comes Riot
28:10Women in a
28:10punk band
28:11firing new
28:12drama on
28:13iPlayer.
28:14Coffee and
28:15compassion
28:15next on BBC
28:16One.
28:17Ever probing
28:18problem solving
28:19Alan Partridge.
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