- 2 months ago
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00:00Norman Stanley Fletcher, you have pleaded guilty to the charges brought by this court,
00:07and it is now my duty to pass sentence.
00:10You are an habitual criminal who accepts arrest as an occupational hazard
00:14and presumably accepts imprisonment in the same casual manner.
00:19We therefore feel constrained to commit you to the maximum term allowed for these offenses.
00:24You will go to prison for five years.
00:30You will go to prison for five years.
01:00Oh, yeah. What's all the rust in? Getting released today, are you?
01:08No. I've been looking forward to today.
01:11Well, what's so special about today?
01:13There's only one good thing about a new day in here, isn't there?
01:16Replaces the old one. Cross one off, ain't we?
01:18Yeah. We're going out today, ain't we?
01:21Trees, walking on grass, the sound of birds in the branches.
01:25All right. Don't get so flaming, Lyrick or Wordsworth.
01:28We're only going out to dig drainage dishes for the council, ain't we?
01:32Stoop for six hours over a shovel, doing a job that only prisoners are allowed to do,
01:37because any decent, respectable geezer would turn to stuff it.
01:39I don't care what the Meccas do. All I know is we're going out. A whole day out of here.
01:45You're like a kid on a school trip, ain't you, eh?
01:48You don't fool me, Fletcher. You just mask your enthusiasm, you do.
01:53Look, if you were so indifferent, why did you take the trouble to bribe yourself onto this party?
01:57Yeah, well, yeah, well.
02:00Yeah, I must admit, I'm looking forward to going out today, yeah.
02:03Yeah, I'll get the smell of disinfectant out of me nostrils.
02:06Not to mention your festering feet.
02:10I'll change me socks every day.
02:11Oh, yeah.
02:12Filly you can't change your feet, innit?
02:15I don't complain about your personal habits.
02:17What personal habits?
02:19I don't got any personal habits.
02:21Yes, you have.
02:21No, I haven't.
02:23Oh, yes, you have.
02:23Oh, no, I haven't.
02:25You have.
02:26Like what?
02:26Like you talk with your mouth full, you whistle out of tune, you snore, you spit.
02:33How dare you?
02:34I do not whistle out of tune.
02:38You've got a cheek, you have.
02:39You've got a flaming nerve.
02:40This is supposed to be a single cell, this is by rights mine.
02:43You've got a nerve talking about my personal habits, ain't you?
02:46You was dragged up in some Birmingham back street.
02:50I had a very good upbringing, I did.
02:52You might not have had much money, but me mother kept us spotless.
02:54Yeah, well, you ain't spotless now, are you?
02:56Your clothes are covered in gravy stains, so don't give me no stick about personal table manners.
03:01Look, everybody at our table's covered in gravy stains.
03:04It's your gravy.
03:05I told you, you talk with your mouth full.
03:08Listen to me, I'm warning you, gentlemen.
03:10Look, look, you're doing it again, look.
03:11Look, you're talking with your mouth, covered in toothpaste.
03:13Yeah, cheeky young nurk.
03:16Don't let's fall out, Fletcher.
03:19We don't want to spoil things this early.
03:22Today's a big day.
03:23It ain't that big a day, son, is it?
03:25It ain't a trip to Southend, is it, eh?
03:27A wanderer up the pier, a good nosh-up and reduce rates at the local knocking shop, is it?
03:34Now, all we're going to do is to go across some remote Cumberland moor to some remote Cumberland village to dig drains for the council.
03:43With the remote possibility that a district nurse might go by on her bicycle and give us an exciting glimpse of her stocking top.
03:52A woman.
03:53A woman on a bicycle.
03:54I only said maybe.
03:56Now, now, now, I can see her, Fletch.
03:57Plain as day.
03:59In her uniform, on her bicycle.
04:01Yeah, district nurse.
04:02Some old spence to her brogues and bike riders' buttocks.
04:07No, she's young, Fletch.
04:08She's young.
04:09And nice looking.
04:11Well, more than that.
04:12Beautiful, really.
04:14And the prim uniform which she so proudly wears can barely conceal the voluptuous figure within.
04:20Voluptuous figure within, is it?
04:21Yeah.
04:22Which her prim uniform cannot conceal.
04:24Barely.
04:25Yeah.
04:26Her face is at once innocent and knowing.
04:29Oh, yeah.
04:30I know them innocent faces, yeah.
04:32Obviously, primitive passions are stirring deep within her breast.
04:36Oh, it's a deep one, is it?
04:37Definitely.
04:38Here, hang on, hang on.
04:39What is this voluptuous, thigh-flashing, deep-breasted bit of nookie doing in this deck of the woods, eh?
04:44Well, she'd come home to look after her dad what's sick with a fatal tropical disease.
04:48Oh, fatal, is it?
04:48I can kill you, you know that.
04:50And she'd turn her back on the bright lights out of duty.
04:53Oh, yeah.
04:54Yeah, she would, wouldn't she?
04:55Yeah, because she could have been some sort of cover girl, couldn't she?
04:57Or model, you know, being chased by Arab princes and playboys and that, yeah?
05:01Instead of which?
05:02Instead of which she returns to nurse her alien old dad, trying to subdue these primitive stirrings
05:08all the time.
05:08Until suddenly the day comes when fate, quite by chance, decrees that she should get a puncture
05:13right opposite the drain what I'm digging.
05:17Yeah, and I saw her first.
05:19Naff off, God, we're age before beauty, innit?
05:21So I picks her up and dusts her off.
05:23Not failing to notice, as I do so, the prim, firm contours of her body, see?
05:29Now, she's sprained her perfectly form ankle, so I picks her up in me strong arms and I
05:34carries her across several miles of ploughed sludge.
05:38Until finally, we walks into our lonely little cottage, miles from anywhere, just the two
05:43of us, thrown together as night falls.
05:47Where's her dad?
05:47Oh, he's dead.
05:49It's just her and me, you know, just alone together, the two of us.
05:53There we are.
05:54And she pours us a drink and, after slipping out of her wet uniform, slip-slop, like that.
06:00And then she makes some food for us and I eat while we talk.
06:05There you go again, Fletcher.
06:07What?
06:07Talking with your mouthful.
06:12Hey, Ives.
06:13How's your managed to work on this toddle?
06:15Drive a lot of people to night places.
06:17No, hey, listen.
06:17You're not a work here, man, or a sky of a little runt like you.
06:20No, hey, listen.
06:21I'm a work here, man.
06:22Always have been.
06:25Stoker.
06:26Baby Jews.
06:27Tankers.
06:28Persian Gulf.
06:29Big sweat, I'll tell you.
06:31Now, hey, listen, there, B-Rum.
06:32I'll do my whack.
06:33Don't you worry.
06:33I had a job once, with a road gang, on the motorway.
06:38Oh, nothing job that was.
06:40Had to live on a caravan site with a wife and two kids.
06:42Always mud.
06:44Worked in mud, come home to mud.
06:45Should feel at home today, then.
06:47Hello, Fletch.
06:51How are you, Fletch?
06:52How are you, Scrant.
06:52You all right, eh?
06:53High five.
06:54Oh, dear.
06:55What's this conniving little runt doing on his work party, then?
06:57Oh, yeah, listen, Fletcher.
06:59He can't even shovel his peas.
07:00He can't without getting tennis elbow.
07:02Now, don't you worry.
07:03I'll do my share.
07:04He's a sky of ingit.
07:06That's exactly what he is, Navy Rum.
07:08You're not wrong there, and are you?
07:09All right, sir.
07:10Have you met my temporary soulmate, young Lenny Godbun?
07:13How do you do?
07:13Hello, son.
07:14Me and Navy Rum was in Mayston together, you see.
07:16Yeah.
07:16When he gets to know you a bit better, he'll let you come round to his cellar and evening
07:20and read his tattoos, won't you?
07:21Yeah, well, who are we waiting for, then?
07:23Dylan.
07:23Dylan?
07:24Not that lazy anarchist, Nurk.
07:26Oh, dear.
07:27We've got a wonderful bunch here, ain't we, for a working party?
07:30A seven-stone weakling and a king of the Huddersfield hippies.
07:35Oh, well.
07:37Hello, Dylan.
07:38Talk of the devil.
07:39Hey, listen, man.
07:39My name's Melvin.
07:41What's all this Dylan seen?
07:42Oh, well, we don't call you out of malice, you see.
07:44We just call it out of affection, really, because, you see, you do remind us of Dylan.
07:48Hey, Bob Dylan?
07:49No, the hippie rabbit on the Magic Roundabout.
07:53Look, I'm not a hippie.
07:55Well, you're the nearest thing we've got to hippie, ain't you, eh?
07:57You do wear an earring.
07:58You was thrown out of art school for drawing on the walls, weren't you, eh?
08:02And you were the only one that's tie-dyed their prison uniform.
08:05Oh, man.
08:06I didn't know you watched the Magic Roundabout, Fletcher.
08:09Oh, yeah.
08:10Yeah, I like that.
08:11Yeah.
08:11Well, there's nothing else to watch, is there?
08:13Magic Roundabout.
08:14All right.
08:15That's given a lot of innocent people a lot of pleasure, that has.
08:18It's even given us guilty people a lot of pleasure, hasn't it?
08:21Simple pleasures, that's what we've got to look forward to, any stranger, eh?
08:24That's right, like this day are.
08:25Oh, it'd be great.
08:27Smell the grass, see the flowers.
08:29Oh, you should join our botany club.
08:32Oh, I really, do you know, in the summertime, yes, we go out on the fells and we explore
08:36the natural phenomena of our countryside.
08:39Yeah.
08:40All we want to explore is the natural phenomena of our nurse, isn't it, Lenny, eh?
08:43Nurse, what's this, then?
08:44Which nurse?
08:45She's mine.
08:46He commandeered me fantasy.
08:47What are we waiting for, then, eh?
08:49We're waiting for Mr. Mackay.
08:50Oh, dear, Scotland the Brave, is he coming?
08:52Oh, yes, sir.
08:53Mr. Mackay's in charge.
08:55Oh, git.
08:56Pig.
08:57Anarchist nurk.
08:58What's going on?
08:59Oh, Mr. Mackay, just voted you man of the year, sir.
09:04On your feet.
09:05Feet, sir.
09:06All of you.
09:07I want none of your facetious lip, Fletcher.
09:09You will get none this morning, sir.
09:12Now, as this outside work party is composed of such a spineless delinquent of streper
09:17as rabble, let's make a few things crystal clear, shall we?
09:22There will be no skiving, no fraternising with members of the public, no kipping in
09:27the long grass.
09:29Also, there will be no visits to the nearest pub masquerading as Irish labourers working
09:34on some mythical motorway extension.
09:37Clear?
09:38Any questions?
09:39Yeah, I've got a question, sir.
09:41Is the ball and chain worn outside the Wellingtons or tucking us off?
09:47All right.
10:08It's the ball.
10:09It's the ball.
10:10It's the ball.
10:41Quiet, the lot of you.
10:45Just get on with it.
10:47I've put some effort into it.
10:50Oh, hey, listen.
10:52Everybody's getting in there. I'm doing my share.
10:55You'd have us all in chains, wouldn't you, Mr Mackay, if you had your way?
10:58With the greatest of pleasure.
11:01Pig.
11:02Did you speak bottomly?
11:04Dig. I was just telling Fletcher to dig.
11:06Who are you doing, a pig?
11:08You watch it.
11:09Can we sing?
11:12Sing?
11:13What have we got to sing about?
11:14What did it help like?
11:16Like the Negro slaves on the plantations in the Deep South.
11:19And they used to sing.
11:21Work songs, things like that.
11:23Kept their spirits up.
11:27And we're working in a gang, just like them.
11:30We chuck much more mud about what we're going to look like.
11:32We're not going to know, haven't we?
11:35Used to sing in the Gulf.
11:37Stokey.
11:38Used to sing opera.
11:40My tiny feet off-rozen,
11:43Won't you warm them next to mine?
11:46Oh, dear, oh, dear.
11:50There will be no singing.
11:53Then go for that.
11:57Now, I'm just, er,
12:00hopping down to the village
12:01to get some parts for my lawnmower.
12:05So, er, take charge.
12:07All right?
12:08You'll not be long, will you?
12:09You're a perfectly capable man.
12:15Oh, but there's a lot of them,
12:17and only one of me.
12:19All yourself together, Mr. Barcloth.
12:26Hey!
12:26Hey!
12:26Hey!
12:28Hey!
12:30Hey!
12:31Hey, I see you.
12:33Where's he going, then?
12:34He's going after that district nurse, eh?
12:35He's not so fussy as us, is he?
12:37Now, listen, you men.
12:46Now, let's knuckle down.
12:49Now, my approach may not be as rigid as Mr. Mackay's,
12:52but there's work to be done,
12:54and it's my job to see that you do it.
12:57So there'll be no slacking, no shirking,
13:00and no taking advantage of my good nature.
13:06Right?
13:07So what's John Harris doing, then?
13:12Well, he's so...
13:13Oh, yeah.
13:16It's great, this, isn't it, Fletch?
13:27Huh?
13:28Being out, I mean.
13:29Yeah, it's not better, is it?
13:30Yeah, it makes a change, don't it?
13:32Mind you, I wouldn't mind today
13:33being a bit more to ride home about.
13:35Beautiful pub down the road
13:38for when I'd like to be in there.
13:40Or popping into the village shop,
13:42buying a bag of sweets and a Rive Valley.
13:45It's impossible, though, is it?
13:47It's been done.
13:48Oh, no, now, come on, men.
13:50You've had a nice long smoke break.
13:52Let's get back to it.
13:54I mean, we shouldn't be smoking in here at all, really.
13:55Oh, well, we have to have somewhere to sit, don't we, Mr Barraclough?
13:58I mean, we couldn't sit on all that damp grass, could we, eh?
14:00I mean, it's very bad for your...
14:01It's very bad for you, isn't it?
14:03Well, it's usual to sit on the earth that you dig out,
14:06form little piles.
14:07That's what I'm worried about, form a little pile.
14:10Really, Fletch?
14:11Now, come on, come on, on your feet, all of you.
14:13Come on, now.
14:13We've got to get back to work.
14:14How many?
14:15One, two, three, four.
14:17Here we're one short.
14:18Where's Ives?
14:19Oh, er, he's outside desecrating early ground.
14:21How do you mean?
14:22He's having a slash in the churchyard.
14:26Oh, God!
14:27Oh!
14:30Oh!
14:34Oh!
14:36I've been stoned!
14:38Really?
14:39How much they charge you, then?
14:40What?
14:42What have you been stoned?
14:43You're a bit of bee, is it?
14:44Well, how do I know I'm not a flaming zoologist?
14:46In fact, it was a wasp or a hornet.
14:48What do you mean, a hornet?
14:49What difference does that mean?
14:50It's a great deal of difference.
14:51There's a different degree of pain and poison.
14:52Oh, it's a great big thing.
14:54Oh, a hornet.
14:54Fatal.
14:55What do you mean, Fletcher?
14:56Fatal.
14:56Let's have a look.
14:58Oh, dear, yes.
15:00I'll tell you what, gents.
15:01If someone don't suck the poison out of his system...
15:06Poor old Ives here.
15:08He's going to die.
15:11You're going to die, Ives.
15:13Now, hey, listen, Fletcher.
15:15That's not funny.
15:15I don't joke.
15:16He's obviously in some distress.
15:18Now, don't worry, Ives.
15:19It's probably just a nut bat.
15:20But I could die, Mr. Barraclough.
15:22Oh, shit!
15:23You see, the spasms are coming on now.
15:25Permission to make a suggestion, Mr. Barraclough?
15:28Yes, what?
15:29Well, what we need is some TCP or some ointment, you see.
15:32Then all we need is a volunteer to actually rub it on, innit?
15:34I mean, I don't mind going down to the village to get some for you.
15:39Go to the village?
15:41Yeah, yeah.
15:41I'd take that long walk if it's a mission of mercy, yes.
15:43Yeah.
15:44Yes, well, I suppose if you went straight there and back...
15:47Oh, certainly.
15:47What else, Mr. Barraclough?
15:48I mean, a man's life may be at stake, yeah.
15:50Of course, I'd need some money.
15:52I mean, they're very expensive, these antibiotics, aren't they?
15:54Well, I've only got a pound.
15:56Oh, that should cover it, yeah.
15:57No, no, that should.
15:58Oh, come on, Mr. Barraclough, come on.
16:00The time is of the essence, isn't it?
16:01Man's life's at stake, eh?
16:03Every second counts.
16:05Thank you, sir.
16:07You lose all you need, that one.
16:08Oh, yeah.
16:09I haven't had one of these for ages, have I, eh?
16:11However, so, you see, I've got an ulcer, you see.
16:13I'm not supposed to drink at all, so the doctor says,
16:15but occasionally I'll have a little sip, you know what I mean?
16:17Hmm.
16:25Oh, and, er, six packets of crisps, please.
16:39What, with an ulcer?
16:40No, cheese and onion.
16:42Oh, I mean, er, no, they're not for me, you see, no.
16:46They're for the, er, for the lads, like.
16:48Lads?
16:50Yeah, the lads that, er, working on the motorway.
16:53What, motorway?
16:54Er, er, well, the, the new bypass.
16:57We've not heard of any new bypass round here.
16:59Oh, no, no, well, it's so new you haven't been in mind of it yet, you see.
17:02I've only just heard of it myself, as a matter of fact.
17:04But that's outrageous, man.
17:06The whole area's national trust.
17:08Anyway, what would we need with a bypass round here?
17:11Oh, don't ask me, mate.
17:12I only work here, don't I?
17:13I mean, I'm as concerned as you are, yeah,
17:15about despoiling England's green and pleasant land.
17:18Of course I'm worried.
17:20How do you think I've got this ulcer?
17:22What do you all?
17:23Oh, did you hear the thunder?
17:25Oh.
17:27It's going to pit...
17:29It's going to pelt down in a minute.
17:33Have you heard, Vicar?
17:35Heard what?
17:35They're going to build a new bypass.
17:37Where?
17:38Er, oh, it's all over the back now.
17:40Well, what's the point of a bypass?
17:41There's nothing to bypass.
17:43Except for the prison, of course.
17:44Prison?
17:45Oh, what prison's that, sir?
17:47Six hundred bloody criminals onward doorstep, man.
17:50Now, now, Frank, you mustn't prejudge these men.
17:53They're serving their penance.
17:54Yeah, that's quite.
17:54It's public revenge, isn't it, eh?
17:56Eye for an eye and a tooth for an eye.
17:57Oh, no, we must treat them with tolerance and compassion.
18:00I don't mean to sound pious, but people must keep an open mind.
18:03My mind, like the doors of my church, is always open.
18:06Mm, well said, Rev, yeah.
18:08And there's more joy in heaven over one sinner that relenteth.
18:11Repenteth.
18:11Repenteth.
18:12Yes, indeed, yes, indeed.
18:13I was going to ask you, would you like...
18:15Oh, yes, thank you very much.
18:16Yes, same again, please, thank you.
18:19Fine.
18:20Do the honours, will you, Frank?
18:21In fact, I was going to ask you
18:23if you'd like to bring your chums over to Evensong on Sunday.
18:29Oh, er, well, no...
18:30Don't, don't.
18:32Oh, no, no, I was just, I'm just standing.
18:33I was just, er...
18:34No, it was, er...
18:35You see, the trouble is, no, I...
18:37The trouble is, we may not be able to get out.
18:39Oh, across, you see, I'll tell you what we'll do.
18:41Er, we'll, er, we'll come if we're free.
18:43All right?
18:43Yeah.
18:45So, cheers.
18:46Cheers.
18:49Ah, here's the man with a different point of view.
18:51Good morning, Mr Mackay.
18:53Good morning, Mr Mackay.
18:54Good morning, Mr Mackay.
18:56Good morning, Mr Mackay.
18:58Yes.
18:59Ah, different point of view to what?
19:01To our friend here.
19:03Oh.
19:04That's Eva, I still.
19:05Well, anyway.
19:07I'll have a whiskey and a pint chaser, please.
19:09Are you on duty?
19:10Well, only half on duty.
19:12I've got a work party down the road there.
19:14Work party?
19:15Yes, er, digging ditches down at Eldon Bank, er, Padre.
19:19Prisoners?
19:20Oh, yes.
19:23Virgin.
19:24Why don't you pop down to the church?
19:27But it's gonna pour again in a minute.
19:29You've got your bike.
19:30Pop down and lock the church door.
19:32But why?
19:34You heard what he said.
19:35There's a bunch of criminals loose in the area.
19:36There's a bunch of people operated on.
19:39There's a bunch of men, ee-repeat that I knew him when he hit.
19:48$l portal
19:54$%!
19:56$!%!%!$!%! $%手!%!$ed!
19:57$%!%!%!%!%!%!%!%!⁴%!%!%.%!%! .%$%!$!%!%!%!%
20:02This one was done in Valparaiso.
20:16That's in South America, Chile.
20:18Very religious country, Chile, hence the religious overtones.
20:22What's the name?
20:23Daphne.
20:25That doesn't sound very Chilean.
20:27No, she weren't.
20:28She was from Bootle, standing there with a juggling act.
20:31What, were we coming from the pool?
20:32That's how we got to answer well together.
20:34Hence the affectionate's overtones.
20:37I'll always...
20:38Not out loud, in here, son.
20:40Oh, what are you all doing still in here?
20:42You was all going out when I left, weren't you?
20:43Well, we had the thunder, you see.
20:45A Navy room here assured us we're in for a violent storm.
20:48If you've been in the Navy, you recognise the signs.
20:52Well, Fletcher, where's the ointment?
20:54There.
20:56Oh, the ointment?
20:57Yeah.
20:58Oh, yes.
20:58Well, I'll tell you about the ointment, Mr Barcloth.
21:00Hey, listen, Fletcher, come on, this is killing me.
21:02It's quite, yeah.
21:03The thing about the ointment is, you see, that the shop was shut.
21:06It was shut for lunch hour, like.
21:08But it's only half past eleven.
21:09I know.
21:10Well, they have to shut early, because they get up so early in the country.
21:12You see, they get hungry about eleven o'clock.
21:13Oh, come on, Fletcher.
21:15I'm in agony, man.
21:15My backside's ablaze.
21:17Well, stick it in the font, then.
21:20Well, I could die, Fletcher.
21:21Oh, dear.
21:22Anyone here know the burial service?
21:23I buried a bloke at sea once.
21:25Oh, well, you're all right.
21:26And there's a reservoir up the road.
21:27You'll be all right.
21:28This day's turning into a disaster.
21:31Oh, look, there's not going to be a thunder storm.
21:33It's passed over.
21:34Now, come on, all of you.
21:35Must get that dip, dip's finished.
21:37Come on.
21:37You're a crafty, nerve-fletty.
21:39You've been to the pub.
21:40Yeah, I sure have, haven't you?
21:41All right, all right, all right.
21:43You don't think I'll forget my chums, do you?
21:45Eh?
21:45There you are.
21:46Cheers, Fletcher.
21:46Not you.
21:47Special diet club, these things.
21:48There you are, that'll put air on your legs.
21:52No, you ain't got any legs.
21:53Hey, is all this out of my pound?
21:56Oh, yes, that's right.
21:57That's your special lot there with the extra salt, Mr. Barraclough.
22:00And on behalf of us all, I would like to thank you very much for this very magnanimous gesture.
22:05All right, boys?
22:05Yeah, thank you very much.
22:06Thank you, Mr. Barraclough.
22:07You're it soft, Mr. Barraclough.
22:08Yeah.
22:09Assume we've got all this protein inside us, we can start digging, can't we, eh?
22:12Yeah, digging.
22:13Yes, a precious lot of that we've done this morning.
22:15Come on, all of you.
22:16All right, come on.
22:16Oh, God.
22:17Oh, come on, all right, you're not dead yet.
22:23It's funny, this door's stuck.
22:24It's all locked.
22:31Not stuck, it's locked.
22:47Someone's stolen my bike.
22:59I bet it's one of your lot.
23:01Nonsense.
23:02My lot are hard at it.
23:04Without my say, so they would not dare move.
23:07All right, you lot.
23:18Oh, my God, I've scarpered.
23:20Oh, the vestry door's locked as well.
23:24There's no other way out.
23:25Oh, John.
23:26Yeah, listen, why don't we break a window?
23:28You what?
23:30These windows are over 400 years old, you stupid nurk.
23:33It's a church, this is.
23:35Ain't you got no sense of flaming reverence?
23:37Dear, dear.
23:37You're a Palestine.
23:38That's what you are, a Palestine.
23:39Now, a Philistine, I think you mean.
23:43Well, it depends whether you're Jewish or not, don't you?
23:46Hey, why don't we ring the bell?
23:48Some cat might hear that.
23:50Oh, no, no.
23:51You see, they never used this bell, you see.
23:53No, no, it's ancient, like the tower.
23:57No, the last time that bell was used
23:58was to warn the villagers of marauding Scots.
24:01Oh, yeah, marauding Scots, is it?
24:03Yes, and that was in the 16th century, you see.
24:06Oh, they used to come over the border,
24:09little rascals, they did,
24:10pillaging crops and stealing cattle
24:13and ravishing the women.
24:17I bet that bell would put the wind up a few vests in, wouldn't it, eh?
24:21I think they'd all flee south
24:22with all their possessions strapped to the back of their Vauxhall vivas, wouldn't they?
24:26Well, you reckon some of the women would hang about here
24:27because it's over 400 years since they had a good ravish, you know?
24:30You can't be flippant.
24:32Sorry.
24:32Look, can't you think of something?
24:34I mean, after all, you have been convicted of breaking and entering.
24:37Oh, yes, breaking and entering.
24:38But entering is the operative word, isn't it, Mr Barrowclough?
24:41I've never been convicted for breaking out of nowhere.
24:43It's great, isn't it?
24:44We get one day out of Nick and what happens?
24:46We get locked in.
24:55Chief Officer Ballard?
24:56Mackay here, sir.
24:59Mackay.
24:59Something has occurred, sir,
25:04to which I feel I ought to draw your attention.
25:07Just down this road, are they?
25:08Not any more, sir.
25:10Hmm?
25:10I still say you should have put out a full-scale alarm, Mr Barrowclough.
25:14And I still say your judgment is impaired, Mr Mackay.
25:17And I'm not making a fool out of Slade Prison
25:19or burdening the taxpayers
25:21with a full-scale alert
25:23until I have personally verified the facts.
25:25See?
25:40There you are, Mr Barrowclough.
25:41I told you.
25:42I told you, didn't I?
25:46I'll do it, Mr Mackay.
25:48I'll do it, Mr Mackay.
25:50Right now, put your backsuit, lads.
25:51Come on in.
25:52That's the idea.
25:53How's it going?
25:55Good afternoon, Mr Barrowclough.
25:59Mr Mackay.
26:00All present and correct, sir.
26:03Pull yourself together, Mr Mackay.
26:12Sir, I have been dropped in at Fletcher, have I not?
26:16I have been put upon from a great height.
26:20I'm very sorry to hear that, Mr Mackay.
26:21Is there any way we can help to alleviate it in any way?
26:24When I'm in it, Fletcher,
26:25I absorb it
26:26with a stiff upper lip.
26:29Well, you've got to when you're in it up to here, ain't you?
26:31That's the odd.
26:33I absorb it with cool Celtic calm
26:35and then I relieve my frustrations
26:38by making sure that everyone down the line below me suffers.
26:41Um?
26:42Suffers!
26:43Not suffers.
26:43Hey, that's not fair.
26:44Fair?
26:45Well, it wasn't our fault we got locked in the church.
26:46We might still be there now
26:47if it hadn't been for that funeral.
26:51What were you doing in the church in the first place
26:53if you weren't skydiving, hmm?
26:55Abusing my trust?
26:57Taking advantage of Mr Baraclough's laxity?
27:00Oh, dear.
27:00I didn't know Mr Baraclough was suffering from laxity, did you?
27:03Poor fella,
27:04because we were miles from anywhere.
27:05We were, yeah.
27:05Codbar!
27:06Sir.
27:07Don't you imagine that you will be excluded
27:09from my spiteful resentments?
27:11See?
27:13Over the next few weeks,
27:14you will both suffer some terrible indignities.
27:17Your feet, Fletcher,
27:18your dinky little size sevens
27:21will not touch the floor.
27:23I'm not one of your mealy-mouthed liberals.
27:26I harbour grudges.
27:28It means it.
27:36Yeah, well...
27:37Still, it were worth it, though,
27:39weren't it, Fletcher?
27:40Oh, yeah, it certainly was, son, yeah.
27:42Yes.
27:43A day out,
27:44bag of crisps,
27:46a few beers,
27:47by some of us,
27:48old eyes in agony,
27:50and on top of that old Mackay drop right in it,
27:52wallop.
27:53Oh, yes, we did all right, son, yeah.
27:54You did better than most, Fletcher.
27:56Yeah, well, naturally, yeah.
27:58I got something out of the day meself.
28:01Oh, yeah, what?
28:03Something I nicked from the church.
28:06It's a surplus.
28:09You stole
28:10from my church?
28:13Yeah.
28:14It's the only place you can get them.
28:19Well, what do you want that for, anyway, son?
28:23This will satisfy a need I've had
28:25for a very long time.
28:28What are you talking about?
28:32It's to protect me from the gravy stains
28:34when you talk with your mouth full.
28:35Yeah.
28:36That's what about you.
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