Top Gear S13E02 | The Perfect Car for a 17-Year-Old & Lamborghini Murciélago SV Test

2 months ago

In Episode 2 the team are tasked with choosing the ideal car for a newly-licensed 17-year-old on a budget of £2,500—balancing cost, insurance and fun. Meanwhile Richard Hammond tests the exotic Lamborghini Murciélago LP670-4 SV in Abu Dhabi. Practical motoring meets exotic performance.

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Transcript

00:00:00Tonight, we throw a chair over a hedge.

00:00:15A quite interesting man drives our reasonably priced car.

00:00:19And for the first time ever, the Bugatti Veyron races the McLaren F1.

00:00:30Thank you, everybody. Thank you. Thank you. Hello. Hello. And welcome.

00:00:37Now, every year, 50,000 17-year-olds pass their driving test and have to buy a car.

00:00:47OK, and because they're 17, the car they want is sporty and cool and preferably turbocharged.

00:00:53Trouble is, their parents want them to have something that is slow, cheap and safe.

00:00:58And the insurance companies would rather they didn't have anything at all.

00:01:01So, to sort this out, the producers gave us each a typical budget of £2,500.

00:01:06Told us to pretend we were 17-year-olds and then go out there and buy cars that would please us as 17-year-olds,

00:01:12our parents and the man from the Prue.

00:01:14This is genuine, genuine consumer advice.

00:01:18Well, mostly. Sort of. At first.

00:01:20There are any number of cars on offer these days for that kind of budget.

00:01:27Even this 1997 BMW 7 Series.

00:01:32Great car, ABS, airbag, so it's safe in a crash.

00:01:35Parents will love it for this reason.

00:01:37And kids will love it because, well, it's cool.

00:01:40Back at the Top Gear office and pretending to be 17...

00:01:44Student living at home.

00:01:45I set about sorting the Beamer's insurance.

00:01:49How much?

00:01:50£7,000 what?

00:01:52Pounds?

00:01:53I've been very sensible here.

00:01:55Look at this.

00:01:55I found a Suzuki Liana, which is small, sturdy, safe.

00:02:00At £1,300 gives me £1,200 to spend...

00:02:03What, for insurance?

00:02:04That won't be enough.

00:02:05£1,200, I guarantee it won't be enough.

00:02:08And he was right.

00:02:09How do you feel now?

00:02:13Go on.

00:02:14£3,377.

00:02:16Asdivill do it for £3,400.

00:02:19HSBC, £4,600.

00:02:22One quote direct, OK?

00:02:24£8,007.

00:02:26I don't think they want the business.

00:02:28We ploughed through the options for hours.

00:02:31A student, full-time, studying, er, religion.

00:02:36James May.

00:02:37No, Adam Smith, sorry.

00:02:39£2,500 is 15 times more than the car is worth.

00:02:45No, but what you're saying is that I'm going to write it off completely 15 times a year.

00:02:51One thing I've learned is that the premiums for 17-year-old girls are half what they are for 17-year-old boys.

00:02:57Seriously?

00:02:57Half the money.

00:02:58Well, there's a Top Gear top tip right there.

00:03:01If you're a 17-year-old boy, you need car insurance, slice your penis off.

00:03:05I would have done.

00:03:06I did.

00:03:08Yeah, I nearly did, I should say.

00:03:10No, just that explains a great many things.

00:03:14The phoning went on until eventually we had a list of cars that could be bought and insured for less than £2,500.

00:03:23And it is like looking through the menu at a Scottish restaurant.

00:03:28Not much in it and nothing you want.

00:03:30I mean, look at that.

00:03:31Rover, Metro, Citroen AX.

00:03:34Can you imagine a 17-year-old in a Suzuki Wagon R+.

00:03:37Thanks.

00:03:38One litre.

00:03:41Very good.

00:03:42Bye-bye.

00:03:43It soon dawned on us that the only realistic way of getting covered when you are 17 is by going on your parents' insurance.

00:03:51So we got back on the phones, pretending to be dad.

00:03:54No, no, we're only going to let him drive to the shops very, very, very rarely.

00:03:59No, no accidents in the last five years.

00:04:02Finally, we were in business.

00:04:08So, having bought our cars, we were told to meet in a school playground.

00:04:12And I was the first to arrive.

00:04:20As you would imagine, I've done this properly.

00:04:23It...

00:04:23It's a golf, and that's really all there is to say about it.

00:04:27It cost my mum £695, and it cost her £1,509 to insure it, with me on as a name driver for very occasional use, such as today, when I've just come to see my mates.

00:04:44Is it an S Coupe?

00:04:51It is a Hyundai S Coupe, 1.5 litre, and I think you'll agree, well, it's... there's only one word for it.

00:04:58Scrap.

00:04:59It's a coupe, it's magnificent, with 85 brake horsepower, record seats, electric windows.

00:05:06How much was yours?

00:05:07Sorry, how much did your mum pay for yours?

00:05:09My mum paid £700 for this.

00:05:13And then a geography teacher arrived.

00:05:16God, above, I thought that was one of the teachers.

00:05:18I'm sorry, I'm 17, happy birthday, son.

00:05:24The perfect car for any 17-year-old.

00:05:26Why?

00:05:27Why?

00:05:27Yeah, yes.

00:05:28My turbo.

00:05:30Low pressure, I think.

00:05:32It is a low-pressure turbo.

00:05:33What have you got?

00:05:34I've got a Golf.

00:05:35Has it got a turbo?

00:05:36No.

00:05:37They did do a turbo.

00:05:38What is that?

00:05:38That's a Hyundai S Coupe, and they did do a turbo.

00:05:41Not on this one.

00:05:42No, not on this particular one.

00:05:43Turbo, so you turn up at the school, here's my turbo.

00:05:46So, there's another very important issue that we must address.

00:05:51The most precious thing in your life, your child, speaking as a parent, is sitting in that seat, yes?

00:05:57Yeah.

00:05:57Look at the amount of metal between him and the tree he will inevitably hit.

00:06:03So, there we are.

00:06:05We had the cars, we had the insurance, all we needed was a challenge.

00:06:13You must now imagine that you are 17.

00:06:16Yes.

00:06:16And modify your cars accordingly in order to do what any 17-year-old boy wants to do.

00:06:22Attract girls.

00:06:23You've had it?

00:06:25Well, look at your beige Volvo.

00:06:26Your budget is whatever you have left from your original two and a half thousand pounds.

00:06:32So, how much have you got?

00:06:34300 quid.

00:06:35You?

00:06:36500 quid.

00:06:37You?

00:06:38Not.

00:06:39You really?

00:06:42Two days later, our wheels were ready, and I'd gone for the thing girls love most.

00:06:48A body kit.

00:06:49It's not from exactly the same model, but it's close enough, and I've customised it to fit perfectly.

00:07:02With my budget of nought, I'd fitted a girl-enticing waterbed in the back.

00:07:07Well, when I say waterbed, what I mean is it's a lilo.

00:07:11But to enliven it a bit, what I've done is I've teamed it with a leopard skin throw and shag pile carpet,

00:07:17which is more a sort of a bath mat, and then, to finish it all off, some simple hand-painted turbo motifs.

00:07:26As you can see, I've done absolutely nothing to the outside of my car,

00:07:31and that's because I've spent my whole 300 quid on exactly what a 17-year-old wants.

00:07:36A banging stereo for me tunes.

00:07:38Sadly, our destination was 60 miles away.

00:07:5130 more than James' bladder can ever manage.

00:07:55So, while he went for a wee, Richard and I decided to improve his car even more.

00:08:01I think you'll find track four is particularly to his liking.

00:08:05So, we take out his bark, and we pop in this.

00:08:08Yeah.

00:08:08Just, hang on, what have we got?

00:08:10That's glued.

00:08:11Volume's glued.

00:08:12Glued.

00:08:13Glued.

00:08:13The source button's glued.

00:08:15Oh, that's perfect!

00:08:17But we need to glue the whole damn thing, literally the whole thing, every button.

00:08:21Yeah.

00:08:21So, he can't...

00:08:22Because the moment he puts the ignition on, it will be on full.

00:08:26He can't move.

00:08:27Oh, perfect.

00:08:28That is...

00:08:29This will brighten his day.

00:08:43Ooh, yeah.

00:08:49I'm expecting the telephone to ring any minute, with James saying,

00:08:53have you got my remote control for the stereo?

00:08:55And the answer to that is yes.

00:08:58The producers had told us to report to an abandoned campsite

00:09:05at the bottom of a very slippery field.

00:09:10Whoa!

00:09:11That was well parked.

00:09:16Maybe we'll have converted him.

00:09:17That's an unhappy Spaniel right there, isn't it?

00:09:24Any ideas?

00:09:26Thoughts?

00:09:27Yeah.

00:09:27This will answer the question.

00:09:32The festival test.

00:09:34Right.

00:09:35You've been at Glastonbury for the weekend, it's finished, and now it's a straight race to see who can pack all their camping

00:09:43equipment and stuff into their car and get out of the car park and get out of the car park.

00:09:48How hard can it be?

00:09:50Don't say that!

00:09:50Go!

00:09:51Yeah!

00:09:51It's got to be medical.

00:09:54It must be.

00:09:57Oh, bugger.

00:09:58That's not mine.

00:09:59I don't know what that is.

00:10:01So that's a piece of cake.

00:10:03Yeah.

00:10:03Guys, problem!

00:10:08Well, I shoved my anarchy flag through my water lilo.

00:10:12Nobody's ever said that before.

00:10:15James struggled to get everything in his golf.

00:10:19Whereas I had no problems at all with my enormous Volvo.

00:10:23I'm out of here.

00:10:31What is my mum going to say?

00:10:33Happily, I wasn't the only one who'd be in trouble.

00:10:37In his eagerness to get out of the field first, Hammond completely forgot about his new body kit.

00:10:46Yes! Yes!

00:10:47No! Oh, no!

00:10:49How am I going to tell my mum about that?

00:10:52As Hammond and I floundered on the green ice, Ray V. Maeveys Golf powered through to victory.

00:10:57James has got the right idea.

00:11:03It's speed, weirdly.

00:11:05I was the next to break through.

00:11:07Yeah!

00:11:08I am out!

00:11:10Leaving just the geography teacher.

00:11:12Yes.

00:11:14Yes.

00:11:17Ah!

00:11:18I can't stop it!

00:11:25Here we go!

00:11:29Ah!

00:11:35Speed!

00:11:37No!

00:11:38How is this possible?

00:11:48Oh, please!

00:11:52Please don't do this to me!

00:11:55We will pick that up later on.

00:12:03Can I just point out, though, before we do move on, if you do decide to put yourself on

00:12:07your parents' insurance, and you have a crash, and the insurance company find out that it

00:12:12was really your car...

00:12:13Which they will if it's got a body kit on it.

00:12:15Or even half a body kit.

00:12:16The point is, if the insurance company find out that it really was your car, after all,

00:12:21they won't pay out.

00:12:22And then they can prosecute you, and then you might have to go to jail, and then one day

00:12:26you'll be in the showers, and a big, strange mouth...

00:12:29OK!

00:12:30OK!

00:12:31Anyway, the point is, get yourself a beige Volvo, because no loss adjuster will imagine

00:12:35that's yours.

00:12:37Oh, now, hey, listen, while we were filming that, it was amazing how it sort of brought

00:12:41back all that excitement of when we first learned to drive, when we were 17.

00:12:44And, you know, the driving test and passing it, well, not passing it in your case, because

00:12:48what was it you did?

00:12:49What do you do in a driving test if you don't pass it, you...

00:12:52Well, right, I failed!

00:12:53Well, right, I failed the first time, yes, I did.

00:12:56Failure.

00:12:56Yes, I failed.

00:12:56Why did you fail?

00:12:57Well, because a traffic light went red as I was coming up to it, and the examiner said,

00:13:01proceed as you normally would, so I gave it a bootful.

00:13:04I failed.

00:13:05Presumably, you passed first time?

00:13:08No.

00:13:08Really?

00:13:09I failed, yeah.

00:13:09No, you failed.

00:13:10What, you got lost?

00:13:11We were going along, and all of a sudden, he hit the dashboard with his clipboard,

00:13:15and he said, look out, there's a small child in the road.

00:13:18And I said, no, there isn't, and kept going, because there wasn't.

00:13:22So you were just being pedantic?

00:13:23No, I was being correct.

00:13:24He was anticipating an emergency stop, not an argument, you fool, was he?

00:13:29Yeah.

00:13:29That's what was going on.

00:13:30Actually...

00:13:31What?

00:13:31Well, while we're on the subject, at the other end of the scale from our failure,

00:13:34you turned up with a pair of scissors in your pocket, claiming it was ready to cut the

00:13:38help plates off your car.

00:13:39No, it's true.

00:13:40That's kind of optimistic.

00:13:41I didn't see it as a driving test, so much as a confirmation of my excellence.

00:13:44Oh, God.

00:13:46No, I mean, that's really what it was, because when I...

00:13:48And the thing, when he said, the man, whatever he was, the instructor, examiner...

00:13:51Examiner.

00:13:52When he said, congratulations, Mr Clarkson, you've passed, what I heard was,

00:13:57congratulations, Mr Clarkson, you are the best driver I've ever seen in my life.

00:14:01And so you can imagine my surprise, 36 hours later, to find myself in a field surrounded

00:14:06by sheep that were no longer alive, and bits of what used to be my mum's Audi.

00:14:11How did this happen?

00:14:12I'm the best driver in the world, and I've gone and stuffed it.

00:14:16Right, can we now do the news?

00:14:17Yes.

00:14:18Because last week, we were talking about the government's scrappage scheme, which is important,

00:14:21and we got sort of distracted by talking about playing croquet with tortoises instead.

00:14:27Dead tortoises.

00:14:28Anyway, we mustn't do that again, because the scrappage scheme genuinely is important,

00:14:31OK?

00:14:32Because what's happening is, is to prop up the car industry, the government is really encouraging

00:14:35you to scrap your old car and buy a new one.

00:14:38The trouble is that the cars people are buying are Korean, which means the government is using

00:14:43our money to help Kim Jong-il buy nuclear weapons.

00:14:49That's the wrong bit of career.

00:14:50Oh, don't be so pedantic.

00:14:52Well, it's not.

00:14:53It's hardly pedantic, Jeremy.

00:14:54One is a free market economy making a harmless hatchback, and the other is a totalitarian regime

00:14:59allegedly making weapons of mass destruction.

00:15:01When an nuclear bomb drops on your house, don't come crying to me about your important

00:15:05distinctions.

00:15:06Why would the South Koreans nuke Hammersmith?

00:15:10They use American guidance systems?

00:15:12No, look, we're going off topic again.

00:15:15Can we get back?

00:15:16Yes.

00:15:16Can we get back to the scrappage scheme?

00:15:17Because, now this is an important point, it is more ecological, and this is a fact, the

00:15:22Green Party agree with us on this, only on this point, but they agree with us on this

00:15:26point, that it's more ecological to keep an old car going than it is to scrap it, throw

00:15:30it away and build a new one.

00:15:31Well, that is a true fact.

00:15:32And the other thing as well is, if you've got an old car, okay, we really are on topic

00:15:36here, if you've got an old car, it has to be serviced by someone, and that someone is

00:15:41going to be an under an arch at the end of your road, and not Kim Jong-il.

00:15:46Hey, now, you know the Ariel Atom, Hammond, you drove one last year.

00:15:49Yes.

00:15:49When you stepped out of it, did you think, a bit slow?

00:15:52No, I didn't.

00:15:52Everyone had said it's super bike fast, and I thought, oh, come on, don't be...

00:15:56I mean, it really is insanely fast.

00:15:58Okay, now that one had a supercharged four-cylinder Honda engine out of a Civic, yes?

00:16:02Well, they've now come up with this, which has got a supercharged V8 engine, okay?

00:16:06They're saying it's got more than 500 horsepower, and the car weighs less than half a tonne.

00:16:12So that is more than 1,000 horsepower per tonne.

00:16:16It's just staggering.

00:16:17A Bugatti Veyron, to put that in perspective, is 521 brake horsepower per tonne.

00:16:22So it's nearly twice as powerful.

00:16:23That'll be too fast to even see.

00:16:25It'll be there, and then not there.

00:16:26They'll just be a thin film of what used to be the clutch on the road.

00:16:30It's 100,000 pounds, but I honestly don't believe that cars can get any better than that.

00:16:33Well, what if you're an antique dealer?

00:16:35Yeah, that is going to be limiting for that team.

00:16:37No, it isn't.

00:16:37That's what this is on the back for.

00:16:39Your tour boy, your wardrobes, your chest of drawers on there, and then it'll be...

00:16:42I haven't thought about it.

00:16:43There you are, you see?

00:16:44Now, you know Vauxhall?

00:16:46Yes.

00:16:47Canadian company now.

00:16:48No, Vauxhall, right, has done a supercharged version of the VXR8.

00:16:52Here it is.

00:16:52It's called the Bathurst.

00:16:54And that makes the worst noise...

00:16:57What?

00:16:58No, it makes the best noise in the world.

00:16:59It isn't the supercharged.

00:17:00It's that screech.

00:17:02It's brilliant.

00:17:02It comes to that mechanical wind.

00:17:04It's deafening.

00:17:05It's like driving along.

00:17:05What's that opera singer called?

00:17:07Catherine Jenkins.

00:17:09Catherine Jenkins.

00:17:10It's like her having what D.H. Lawrence would have called a crisis.

00:17:14A what?

00:17:15A crisis.

00:17:16Lady Chatterley goes in the barn with the gardener in the hay.

00:17:19Some things happen, and then she has...

00:17:22What's this?

00:17:22Who?

00:17:23Crisis?

00:17:23That's what it sounds like.

00:17:24A constant Victorian crisis.

00:17:26It's brilliant noise.

00:17:27I love it.

00:17:28That supercharger wind is like a mechanical driving sound, and that does make other brilliant

00:17:32noises.

00:17:33But, no, the best noise made by any car is my Mercedes, which is now only 19 days away from

00:17:38its first service.

00:17:39Well, I'll forget.

00:17:40So the cooler will be mine in 19 days, right?

00:17:42But that, between about 2,750 and 3,500 revs on three-quarter throttle, that is the best

00:17:50noise in the world.

00:17:51I thought the best noise that had ever come out of a car was the one coming out of the

00:17:55stereo in my 17-year-old golf, until you two touched it inappropriately.

00:18:00Now, actually, while we're on the subject of this, last week, James did talk about touching

00:18:09people inappropriately, okay?

00:18:11And the Daily Star, in an editorial, says that we've upset the Scouts and the Catholic

00:18:16Church, and they say that we can add those two august organisations to other people we've

00:18:21offended, including lorry drivers, Scots, Malaysians, Germans, blind people, anti-hunt

00:18:27protesters, and smokers.

00:18:29And I'm sorry, but this sort of gutter-pressed claptrap gets just so far up my nose.

00:18:35How dare they?

00:18:36How dare they suggest that we would be rude to smokers?

00:18:43That is the end of the news.

00:18:45Now, at this point, Jeremy usually rushes off to drive a car very quickly around our track.

00:18:50This week, it was my turn, and I thought, why just do it at the track?

00:18:59It's my turn.

00:19:00I thought it was my turn.

00:19:01It's my turn.

00:19:02It's my turn.

00:19:03It's my turn.

00:19:04It's my turn.

00:19:05It's my turn.

00:19:06It's my turn.

00:19:07It's my turn.

00:19:08It's my turn.

00:19:09It's my turn.

00:19:10It's my turn.

00:19:11It's my turn.

00:19:12It's my turn.

00:19:13It's my turn.

00:19:14It's my turn.

00:19:15It's my turn.

00:19:16It's my turn.

00:19:17It's my turn, as I had heard of.

00:19:19It's my turn.

00:19:20It's my turn.

00:19:23It's my turn!

00:19:24like this, the brand-new Lamborghini Merchelago.

00:19:32Over there is downtown Abu Dhabi.

00:19:36Between me and it is a four-mile arrow-straight stretch of highway.

00:19:42And it's closed. How lucky is that?

00:19:45Oh, what a noise!

00:19:57140...

00:20:00150...

00:20:02160...

00:20:05170 miles an hour.

00:20:07Whoa, you just met the Lamborghini Merchelago.

00:20:19LP 670-4SV.

00:20:23Or to put it in plain English, the fastest Lamborghini ever made.

00:20:29It's also the last Merchelago that'll ever be made.

00:20:33Because a brand-new replacement is coming next year.

00:20:38But rest assured that the old one won't be going quietly.

00:20:44Because from every angle, this last hurrah looks absolutely evil.

00:20:53I mean, just look at that exhaust.

00:20:56If a Toyota Prius came up behind and saw that, it would literally wet its pants.

00:21:00So, LP 670-4SV.

00:21:12The SV stands for Sport Veloce.

00:21:14Something they've tagged their hardcore models since the Bureau.

00:21:19The 4 is the four-wheel drive.

00:21:23The LP stands for something.

00:21:26The 670 is the horsepower, which is 30 more than the last one.

00:21:31And also, quite a lot.

00:21:32And whilst they've added power, they've also been busy stripping away weight.

00:21:41Total is 100 kilograms lighter than the standard car.

00:21:44It's got a new lighter exhaust system.

00:21:46More of it is made of carbon fibre.

00:21:49And it does all add up because the results are astonishing.

00:21:550-60, 3.2 seconds.

00:21:58Top speed, 212 miles an hour.

00:22:01They've also taken away the radio.

00:22:05But that's fine by me.

00:22:07Because that noise.

00:22:10That glorious noise.

00:22:15This V12 has basically been around since the Mura.

00:22:19And it too will die along with this car.

00:22:22And it is just as if it's howling.

00:22:25You'll miss me when I'm gone.

00:22:32And it seems I'm not the only one who thinks this car has a human soul.

00:22:38All car makers release official info with every new car.

00:22:42And usually this stuff is pretty dry.

00:22:45Here's Mercedes talking about the exhaust on the SL Black.

00:22:48They say the new design reduces exhaust gas back pressure.

00:22:52The acoustic side effect of this is to produce a distinctive 12-cylinder sound

00:22:56from the two trapezoidal tailpipes.

00:22:57By contrast, here's Lamborghini's latest info.

00:23:01They say that this exhaust in this car makes a sound that ranges from

00:23:05the heavy rumble of a stormy night

00:23:08through the trumpeting of mighty elephants

00:23:11to the roar of a raging lion.

00:23:14You just get the sense that before this car dies,

00:23:17they actually wanted to make it come to life.

00:23:19And they've certainly done that.

00:23:25It isn't just a lighter, faster, much longer.

00:23:30The weight loss has transformed it into a completely different car.

00:23:33The steering is just so sharp.

00:23:38Brakes, so effective.

00:23:40I mean, don't get me wrong, it's still a big scary car.

00:23:44But it's so light and dimple on its feet.

00:23:48Sand!

00:23:50Yeah, this would be a lot easier if the desert would stay still.

00:23:53The price for this outrageous curtain call?

00:24:00£270,000.

00:24:03Well, actually, that's quite cheap.

00:24:06It is!

00:24:08Because I think this thing can run not just with mere supercars,

00:24:15but with the more rarefied and expensive hypercars.

00:24:22There it is.

00:24:24That's an SLR 722.

00:24:28Like an SLR, only more.

00:24:31That is hypercar royalty right there.

00:24:35So, since we still have the roads to ourselves,

00:24:39let's see if the 722 can keep its royal status

00:24:42in a race between the lights.

00:24:44I think it's got what it takes.

00:24:46Let's find out.

00:24:55This is it!

00:24:57Come on, little Lambo!

00:24:58Try that on, fella!

00:25:00160.

00:25:02170 through the centre of Abu Dhabi.

00:25:04Hello!

00:25:06Oh, he's ahead, but only just...

00:25:08Man, this is close!

00:25:10This is close!

00:25:11Red lights!

00:25:12Oh, baby!

00:25:13Up to the red lights!

00:25:17That is a truly ridiculous game.

00:25:21It was unbelievably close.

00:25:24I was there, alongside hypercar royalty.

00:25:27Compared to that, this is a snotty little ragamuffin.

00:25:30And that's a hundred grand more than this.

00:25:32Quite a swan song.

00:25:33Yep.

00:25:34In its dying moments, the merchelago has become one of the all-time supercar greats.

00:25:37Oh!

00:25:39Oh!

00:25:40Oh!

00:25:41Oh!

00:25:42Oh!

00:25:43Oh!

00:25:44Oh!

00:25:45Oh!

00:25:46Oh!

00:25:47Oh!

00:25:48Oh!

00:25:49Oh!

00:25:50Oh!

00:25:51Oh!

00:25:52Oh!

00:25:53Oh!

00:25:54Oh!

00:25:55Oh!

00:25:56Oh!

00:25:57Oh!

00:25:58Oh!

00:25:59Oh, it doesn't look great.

00:26:00Ye uno-

00:26:08Where did Ray don't you?

00:26:09Did some evidence on these toeks

00:26:10that you had a crisis?

00:26:13Oh.

00:26:14And I never thought before.

00:26:16But it's magnificent.

00:26:18It's such a..

00:26:19It's such a pantomime car.

00:26:20The best thing is,

00:26:21that underneath the pantomime exterior,

00:26:22there is a serious actor trying to get out.

00:26:24It can really do the job.

00:26:25Thing is,

00:26:26Thing is, though, okay, you've always said that your favourite supercar is the Zonda F, okay?

00:26:30So, which would you choose?

00:26:33Oh, no, that's...

00:26:34Come on.

00:26:36Oh, that's like asking me to choose between my own children.

00:26:38Come on!

00:26:39No, no!

00:26:40The only way to sort this out is to see how fast this thing is round the track.

00:26:44Speaking of which, last week, a man came here claiming to be the Stig.

00:26:51You may have seen that, okay?

00:26:52Now, maybe he is.

00:26:53We don't know, okay?

00:26:54Maybe he is.

00:26:55But what we do know is he set a time of 1 minute 10 seconds in a Ferrari FXX, round the track, top of our leaderboard.

00:27:02We subsequently discovered he was doing that on slick tyres.

00:27:05Now, we have rules on this powerboard here, okay?

00:27:09You can't use slicks.

00:27:11So this time is coming off.

00:27:16Oh, boo!

00:27:17This is a dictatorship.

00:27:20If you want to live in a democracy, go to Iran.

00:27:23I have to work with that.

00:27:24Week in, week out.

00:27:25Now, it's now time to find out how fast this thing is round our track, which means we must hand it over to our tame racing driver.

00:27:31Yeah, now, some say that last week he was found in a locked room tied to a chair with German piano wire.

00:27:38And that this week, MPs turned him down for the job of speaker.

00:27:45All we know is, that's three things he has in common with Margaret Beckett.

00:27:52And he's off.

00:27:53And he's off.

00:27:54And he's off.

00:27:55Another similarity, of course, is very thin hair.

00:27:59Right, coming up to the first corner, and he's coming in very hot.

00:28:03But I had a go in this Lambo earlier, found a surprising amount of understeer.

00:28:08Stig seems to have it all under control at the moment, though.

00:28:11Well, good, no music again this week because, as Richard said, the lightweight SV has no stereo.

00:28:17But why would you want one with that V12 concerto behind you?

00:28:22Hammerhead.

00:28:23This is where understeer shouldn't rear its head.

00:28:26Look at that.

00:28:27Stig neutralising it with 661 horses of fury.

00:28:32Brilliant driving.

00:28:33And the third thing, obviously, is a love of caravan holidays and the Gordogne.

00:28:39OK, there he is through the follow-through.

00:28:41Stig says this car can be fighty, so that's probably why.

00:28:45Yes, he's lifted off through the tyres.

00:28:47That is incredible.

00:28:48OK, just two corners left.

00:28:51You can see Stig's little, possibly German paws working hard there.

00:28:56Spits off flame on the overrun.

00:28:58This car really is Widow Twanky.

00:29:00Widow wing.

00:29:01Just a long one.

00:29:03Great lap.

00:29:04Great lap.

00:29:05But where does it go?

00:29:06Hammond, you have the time.

00:29:08I have the time.

00:29:09OK.

00:29:10Here we go.

00:29:11It did it in 1.19 dead, which means it

00:29:15has graduated up from supercar to hypercar.

00:29:17It's as fast as it is.

00:29:19That's amazing.

00:29:20And that's, that's an audio one.

00:29:22It's moved up.

00:29:23No, that's...

00:29:24It's moved up.

00:29:26Ahem.

00:29:27My view.

00:29:28Zonda F.

00:29:29Yeah, well, I guess we've got to let the board decide.

00:29:31It doesn't lie.

00:29:32The F's faster.

00:29:33The Zonda is, so that's the one you'd choose still.

00:29:35Yes.

00:29:36OK.

00:29:37Now, it is time to put a star in our reasonably priced car.

00:29:41My guest tonight, he's just done everything, really.

00:29:45He's the voice of the Harry Potter audio tapes, Blackadder.

00:29:48He's recently driven a taxi all the way around America.

00:29:52Started out in life, his career, with a lorry.

00:29:55So, in fact, the only thing we can be sure he hasn't done is murder a prostitute.

00:30:00Ladies and gentlemen, Stephen Fry!

00:30:04Oh, Stephen, thank you.

00:30:07Thank you so much for coming back.

00:30:09Have a seat.

00:30:11What?

00:30:13Where's the rest of you?

00:30:15Oh, gosh.

00:30:16Well...

00:30:17I've never seen anything like it.

00:30:18Oh, you are kind.

00:30:19It's...

00:30:20What you're really saying is you've never seen anything like it before,

00:30:22when I was so...

00:30:23No, no, you were a...

00:30:24You were a sizable chap, and now you are a rake.

00:30:27Oh, thank you.

00:30:28And how much have you lost?

00:30:29I was nearly six stone.

00:30:31Yeah.

00:30:32Gasp.

00:30:34Oh!

00:30:39How?

00:30:40I started by walking a lot, just every morning.

00:30:43No.

00:30:44Ah, you're pulling that face.

00:30:45Walking is made magnificent by audio books.

00:30:49I mean, just list all the books that you've never read, that you've wanted to read.

00:30:53For example, I just had Tim Robbins, in my ear, reading The Great Gatsby.

00:30:58It is about the supreme experience you can have.

00:31:01And you eat up the miles.

00:31:03Do you do your books in audio book form?

00:31:05I have no idea.

00:31:06Well, you would know, you'd remember.

00:31:08I've never read them out, no.

00:31:09Oh, that's right.

00:31:10No, I mean, you are the...

00:31:11I wonder if there is a single household in Britain that doesn't go to sleep at night,

00:31:16without the sound of you wafting out of the children's bedrooms.

00:31:18Yes.

00:31:19Is it just me?

00:31:20Or is it every child goes...

00:31:21I had a man shouted at me across the street,

00:31:23Um, my children go to bed with you.

00:31:26One of the things that staggers me is you've managed to lose all this weight,

00:31:30even though, recently, you spent how many months in America?

00:31:34Oh, yes.

00:31:35About eight or nine months, all told.

00:31:37Because you did a lot of driving, obviously, the whole thing in your London taxi cab.

00:31:40Yeah.

00:31:41Nobody loses weight in America.

00:31:43No, you're right.

00:31:44And that's actually what brought me to it.

00:31:46I finished the American thing last year, and by about a month or two afterwards,

00:31:51I was at my full 21 stone.

00:31:54It's life on the road, the freeways and those truck stops and places just...

00:31:59Have you visited Detroit in the course of your travels?

00:32:02I did.

00:32:03I actually went to the General Motors headquarters

00:32:06and was taken around in the brand new Cadillac by the designer.

00:32:09This was only about six months before General Motors was basically bankrupt.

00:32:14Yeah.

00:32:15And he said, we're still the biggest automobile company in the world.

00:32:18He said, all my life has led up to this. I've designed my own Cadillac.

00:32:22He grew up in a family whose father worked in Ford.

00:32:27And when he went to college to do automotive design,

00:32:30and he told his father he got a job, and his father said, that's great, son.

00:32:34He said, at GM.

00:32:36And his father didn't talk to him for two weeks.

00:32:38And have you tried that in Australia?

00:32:39Oh, yeah.

00:32:40Australia, they have pitched battles between fans of...

00:32:43Can you imagine here someone with a Vectra getting out and beating someone with a Mondeo to death with a bat?

00:32:49Because that's what they... they're like that over there.

00:32:51Yeah, yeah.

00:32:52I've got to move on to this thing.

00:32:54Because you are a big fan of Twitter.

00:32:56Yes.

00:32:57I was reading your Twitter thing the other day when you said you'd got from Norwich to London

00:33:01in a time that was impossible if you hadn't driven in bus lanes.

00:33:04I... yes, all right. I didn't say that. I didn't say that was impossible if I hadn't driven in bus lanes.

00:33:11But others said, so you must have driven in bus lanes. Obviously, it is illegal for me to drive in bus lanes.

00:33:15Even though you do drive a London taxi as well?

00:33:17I do drive a London taxi.

00:33:18And you sit and thinking, I'm not going to go in that bus lane.

00:33:22I... sometimes... you read that thing, it says from seven till something, and you think, oh, well, that must be now.

00:33:30Because my favourite is, as you drive down here, you'll probably see it on your way home, in Guildford it said there's a bus lane.

00:33:36Yeah.

00:33:37And it says, buses and good vehicles only. In my mind... it says goods, but in my mind...

00:33:42And I just think, this is a Mercedes, it's a good car, and so I use it.

00:33:46I could be at the track hours faster than everybody else.

00:33:48Yes.

00:33:49It's like ones that say, access only. I want access through it.

00:33:52Yes, I...

00:33:53But no, going back to Twitter, I'm fascinated that you find the time to do that,

00:33:57because everything you ever do, you tell half a million people are now following you.

00:34:01Yes, it has become rather a large number. Obviously, when it started, it was a few thousand,

00:34:05and grown and grown, and now everybody knows about it.

00:34:08I don't Twitter, obviously, but the thing we do share is a love of a specific type of mobile telephone.

00:34:13Yes, we stroke it, we fondle it, we love it. It has applications that are quite astonishing.

00:34:18This is the thing, okay, this application business, I've only recently been introduced to it,

00:34:22and you were the one that told me about the one where you can play it as a record. Have you got that on yours?

00:34:26Yeah, oh yes, the ocarina's the one where you actually blow down it.

00:34:30You play it, you can play your phone, it's a flute.

00:34:32And what's that other one you were telling me?

00:34:34Well, this one may not be quite so up your strata, but it's called Grindr.

00:34:38Erm, and this...

00:34:40Hello?

00:34:42Quite a response, I...

00:34:44Who here knows what Grindr is? Let's have your hands up.

00:34:47No one's going to put that up now.

00:34:48Somebody, who made that noise? Somebody must be standing next to the man that went...

00:34:51What is Grindr?

00:34:54It's basically a gay cruising application.

00:34:58When you load it, no, get this, when you load it, up appear all kinds of faces and pictures,

00:35:05and what's so amusing is you press them and it goes like, hi, I'm Mike, and it tells you how close they are.

00:35:12It says he's 20 yards away.

00:35:13No.

00:35:14You can find the nearest cruising homosexual with one of both.

00:35:17Yes.

00:35:18Yeah.

00:35:19Yeah.

00:35:20Is there one...

00:35:21Come on.

00:35:22Let's have a look.

00:35:23Who here?

00:35:24Come on, Stephen, there must be one in here.

00:35:26I have to turn it on now, because you talk amongst yourselves, everybody.

00:35:28Yes, we really do talk about yourselves.

00:35:29Obviously, anybody who's got Grindr, turn it on.

00:35:31Well, let's see if anybody's got Grindr.

00:35:33It's so disappointing.

00:35:34Just making sure mine is norm.

00:35:35I've got to get one of these.

00:35:38Imagine in traffic jams.

00:35:39Here we are.

00:35:40Here's some...

00:35:41These are all homosexuals, then?

00:35:42Yes.

00:35:43Oh, he's nine miles away, I'm afraid.

00:35:44Where is he nine miles away?

00:35:45We can drive there.

00:35:46I've got my Merc here.

00:35:47We can carry a jiffy.

00:35:48There's no one near enough.

00:35:49There's nobody in this room.

00:35:50Some of them show quite rude parts of themselves, which you won't want to see.

00:35:51Bloody hell.

00:35:52Oh, it's his fault.

00:35:53Now, it's a car show.

00:35:56I know.

00:35:57I know.

00:35:58I know.

00:35:59I know.

00:36:00I know.

00:36:01I know.

00:36:02I know.

00:36:03I know.

00:36:04I know.

00:36:05I know.

00:36:06I know.

00:36:07I know.

00:36:08It's a car show.

00:36:09I knew there was something.

00:36:10Oh, Lord.

00:36:11Of course, you came down here to do a lap.

00:36:13I did.

00:36:14Did you do it in your taxi?

00:36:15No, I drove in the reasonably priced car.

00:36:16Well, actually, I drove...

00:36:17Am I allowed to say this?

00:36:18I'm allowed to reveal the truth.

00:36:20It's rather embarrassing.

00:36:21I drove in two reasonably priced cars, because the first one...

00:36:24I won't say I totaled it, but...

00:36:27I gave it a few bangs, and it started dripping oil, and we obviously thought that was not safe

00:36:32to have.

00:36:33Mm.

00:36:34Would anybody here like to see any of these bangs?

00:36:36Oh, no.

00:36:37Yeah.

00:36:38Let's play this tape, and see how you did in this sort of run-up.

00:36:41Let's have a look at this.

00:36:42It's the second-to-last corner.

00:36:43Yes.

00:36:44Oh, that's a great speed.

00:36:45Nice work.

00:36:47This is the second attempt.

00:36:49Held it.

00:36:50Not held it.

00:36:51Yes.

00:36:52G-force is there.

00:36:53Hold it.

00:36:54Okay.

00:36:55There's a third attempt.

00:36:57Holy .

00:36:58Well done, Stephen.

00:36:59Brilliant.

00:37:00Yeah, I'm staying here.

00:37:01Brilliant.

00:37:02That's courage.

00:37:03Very...

00:37:04Every time I said to myself, smoothly, and what happens the moment I'm on the wheel?

00:37:13Oh!

00:37:14It's just...

00:37:15And so I lost goodness knows how many seconds.

00:37:17I am so angry with myself.

00:37:18No, you...

00:37:19It's a great time.

00:37:20Who here would like to see Stephen's real lap?

00:37:22Yeah!

00:37:23Good.

00:37:24Let's have a look.

00:37:25That's a smoking start.

00:37:27This is going to be smooth.

00:37:29May not be fast, but let's make it smooth, Stephen.

00:37:32Smooth.

00:37:33It's very good.

00:37:34Let's have a look through.

00:37:35That's a smooth line.

00:37:36Perfect.

00:37:37That's the line the Steg teaches.

00:37:39This German way.

00:37:40It possibly is German way.

00:37:41That's fantastic.

00:37:42Quite smooth.

00:37:43Maybe too smooth.

00:37:44Big dip there.

00:37:45That was heavy on the brakes.

00:37:46Possibly could have been heavier still, actually, because that's a bit of understeer.

00:37:55My word.

00:37:56I can't even claim it's wet except around my face.

00:38:01I'm sweating.

00:38:02I'm ahead.

00:38:03This is the mum that sorts out the men from the grinders.

00:38:08That is bang on, Stephen.

00:38:12Oh, you bitch.

00:38:14Oh, my God.

00:38:16Here you go.

00:38:18That's quick.

00:38:19That's very good.

00:38:20He's having a crisis.

00:38:22Here we go into the set.

00:38:27Did he get it right this time?

00:38:29That is bang on.

00:38:30Cutting the corner nicely.

00:38:32Coming up to Gambon.

00:38:33And...

00:38:34Yup.

00:38:35That just about kissed the apex.

00:38:36And there we are.

00:38:37Across the line.

00:38:38Yeah, man.

00:38:40It was smooth.

00:38:42Oh, well, it was smooth.

00:38:44So, I'll give you the one.

00:38:48Oh, that's good.

00:38:49I'll give you the one, which means that you've beaten Jimmy Carr, you've beaten Brian Cox.

00:38:52Who else do you think you beat?

00:38:54Well, it would obviously be nice to beat Michael Gambon, only because that would put me between him and Jules.

00:38:58If I could beat the 150, it would be something, but I doubt I did, to be honest.

00:39:02The problem is, you were beautifully smooth.

00:39:05But smoothness needs to be teamed with speed.

00:39:08With speed.

00:39:09Oh, no, I was too smooth.

00:39:10And as a result, you had a very smooth, but quite steady, one minute, 51.

00:39:16Oh.

00:39:17Dead.

00:39:18Oh.

00:39:19Well.

00:39:20I could give you a hot.

00:39:24I could give you a hot.

00:39:25It was quite hot.

00:39:26I could give you a hot.

00:39:27It was indeed a hot day there.

00:39:28And of course, we on Top Gear are responsible for that heat.

00:39:31Is that Alan Davis?

00:39:32Alan Davis.

00:39:33150.3.

00:39:34Is that Alan D there?

00:39:35Alan Davis.

00:39:36I'll never hear the end of that.

00:39:37Actually, do you know what?

00:39:38I can be pretty much guaranteed Alan doesn't watch Top Gear.

00:39:41So if you just go back and say, I did the 147, you'll never know.

00:39:46Ladies and gentlemen, Stephen Fry.

00:39:48Thank you very much.

00:39:49Thank you very much.

00:39:50Thank you very much.

00:39:51Thank you very much.

00:39:52Thank you very much.

00:39:59Excellent.

00:40:00Now, earlier on, we bought, insured and customised three cars that we feel are ideal for 17-year-olds

00:40:08and their parents and the insurance companies.

00:40:11Yeah.

00:40:12I had a bit of a problem in the first challenge when I sort of ripped the body kit off the back

00:40:17and I.

00:40:18Jeremy broke the back window of his Volvo with an anarchy flag.

00:40:21It's a bit of a long story.

00:40:23Yeah, it is.

00:40:24Anyway, coming up now is the most realistic challenge ever attempted on British television.

00:40:30It's something we've all done.

00:40:31We were told to turn up at our parents' house and get up the drive at 3 o'clock in the morning.

00:40:38Three hours after we'd said we'd be in without waking them up.

00:40:43The winner would be the one who could do it the most quietly.

00:40:50At 3 o'clock the next morning, the man with the decibel-o-meter was in place and I was first to go.

00:40:58Oh, God.

00:40:59Despite the odd squeak from me, things were going well.

00:41:08Yeah, this is a professional job.

00:41:15What I'm doing is reversing the car in so that it hides the back and my mother won't see what I've done.

00:41:25Find out the noise.

00:41:2850.4 decibels, that's like custard rustling. Absolutely soundless.

00:41:38Then it was Jeremy's go with the big, heavy Volvo.

00:41:43Oh, for God's sake!

00:41:45Yeah, that'll be him. He's started now.

00:41:47Come on! Come on!

00:41:52Mercifully, the drive finally levelled out.

00:41:55Come on, you stupid lump of sweet as lead.

00:42:02Oh, my God!

00:42:04No!

00:42:06No!

00:42:07You might...

00:42:08No!

00:42:09No!

00:42:10You might get in trouble.

00:42:11Oh, no!

00:42:12Don't make too much noise or wake them up, mate.

00:42:15Oh, God!

00:42:17It's the anarchy flag.

00:42:18That's what did it!

00:42:19That's what did it!

00:42:20No!

00:42:21No!

00:42:22No!

00:42:23No!

00:42:24You might get a job.

00:42:25Oh, no!

00:42:26Don't make too much noise or wake them up, mate.

00:42:28Oh, God!

00:42:29It's the anarchy flag.

00:42:31That's what did it.

00:42:32That's what did it.

00:42:33Say it was stolen by anarchy.

00:42:35Anarchy's came.

00:42:36And they buried it in the summer.

00:42:37Yes.

00:42:38Job done.

00:42:39Jeremy decided it would be quieter to drive out of the wreckage.

00:42:45No, no, no, no!

00:42:50There's no damage.

00:42:53Well, I think that's maybe pushing...

00:42:56Half of all this.

00:42:57Yeah, that's...

00:42:58There's quite a lot of damage there.

00:43:00An awful lot.

00:43:01Hammond had possibly pipped me on this one.

00:43:04What was yours?

00:43:0550.4.

00:43:0650.4?

00:43:0766.1.

00:43:09My mum and dad, they didn't wake up.

00:43:12It's a good job they're heroin addicts.

00:43:14Then it was my turn.

00:43:17I can do it on the engine, because the engine's quiet.

00:43:21Of course, the interesting thing is to speculate

00:43:23what James would have been out doing until late as a teenager.

00:43:26How long does quiet practice go on?

00:43:29I can't actually see where the drive goes.

00:43:32He has a...

00:43:33What?

00:43:34Is that the control...?

00:43:36Is that the control...?

00:43:39Ready.

00:43:40Steady.

00:43:41And...

00:43:44For God's sake!

00:43:47No!

00:43:48I couldn't find my...

00:43:52You're so unfunny!

00:43:57God above!

00:43:58James had lost this challenge.

00:44:01Quite badly.

00:44:04Shall we go in and go to bed?

00:44:06Hold it, hold it.

00:44:07Right, wait.

00:44:08Can you smell smoke on my fingers?

00:44:14The following morning, we were told to report to our test track

00:44:17for the next challenge.

00:44:19Oddly, though, the man in the white coat was nowhere to be seen.

00:44:23What was the actual colour of your car?

00:44:25Red.

00:44:26Actually was red.

00:44:27No, no, no.

00:44:28Amber gold.

00:44:29Oh, well...

00:44:30Amber gold.

00:44:31Can you remember the exact colour of yours?

00:44:32Sunrise yellow.

00:44:34Blood!

00:44:43Oh!

00:44:44This man's destroying your Volvo.

00:44:45Are you going to sort him out?

00:44:47The psychopath with the forklift then did the same to my God.

00:44:52And Hammond's Hyundai.

00:44:54Come on, the Bobbycat!

00:44:59This does feel like a terrible...

00:45:01Well, hopefully this had better be good.

00:45:05As you are 17, it is certain that at some point in the near future

00:45:09you will roll your car.

00:45:11So, you must now mend it in such a way that your parents won't be able

00:45:16to spot the damage.

00:45:18This is to find out...

00:45:20What?

00:45:21This is to find out how easy they are to repair.

00:45:23So, right, well, we'd better get these...

00:45:25Well, let's get them indoors...

00:45:26Yeah.

00:45:27...and break out the hammers.

00:45:32Richard, however, decided he didn't need a hammer.

00:45:35Alex, straight away, I've improved it.

00:45:39Oh, awesome!

00:45:40Ah!

00:45:41Ah!

00:45:42Ah!

00:45:43Ah!

00:45:44You don't need hammers and shouting.

00:45:46See this bit here?

00:45:48Small scuff.

00:45:49Watch that disappear, thanks to the magic of polish.

00:45:54When the roof done, I now had to sort the bonnet.

00:45:58Here's a tip.

00:45:59Should you ever roll your coupe, stylish,

00:46:03and need to straighten a dentail like that?

00:46:05Here's what you do.

00:46:12That's not...

00:46:14Jeremy, meanwhile, was cheating.

00:46:18One thing I've learned is that all firemen have,

00:46:20at some point, crashed their cars when they were teenagers.

00:46:24So, I borrowed a fireman.

00:46:26Did you ever crash a car?

00:46:27Certainly did.

00:46:28When you were 17?

00:46:29RS Turbo, green and common, straight through the fence.

00:46:31That's the ticket.

00:46:32So, you understand the plight of the 17-year-old

00:46:34who stuffed his car.

00:46:36Fill in your pan.

00:46:39So, do you think you could use some firemen equipment

00:46:41to make that light new?

00:46:46That's not what they're for.

00:46:48There were no fires in Surrey.

00:46:50It's too middle class.

00:46:55It's about the same colour as the car.

00:46:58After just two hours of hard work...

00:47:01It's very important to turn the cloth frequently.

00:47:03...we had made no difference whatsoever.

00:47:08Yeah, that's plastic.

00:47:09Yeah, I had to do plastic as well,

00:47:10because the fireman's lift has rather changed

00:47:12the shape of the windscreen hole.

00:47:14Then, another challenge arrived.

00:47:17Let's have a look.

00:47:21Okay.

00:47:22You will now race against the clock

00:47:23to see which car is the fastest.

00:47:25You have to go down the main straight,

00:47:27round the hammerhead,

00:47:28do a handbrake turn

00:47:29and come back the other way.

00:47:32That doesn't sound very hard.

00:47:33Hang on.

00:47:34No, it says,

00:47:35the track has been littered with obstacles

00:47:36and you'll have five seconds added to your time

00:47:38for every object you don't hit.

00:47:41Don't hit?

00:47:42Well, that's what it says.

00:47:43It was right.

00:47:46The track was littered with all the flotsam

00:47:49that teenagers like to crash into.

00:47:52And then, at the finish line,

00:47:54there was a gap between two parked cars

00:47:57that everyone except a 17-year-old can see isn't wide enough.

00:48:02We also discovered that our handbrake turns

00:48:04would be judged by three teenage girls.

00:48:07That actually makes sense because, as men,

00:48:10we know that nothing turns a 17-year-old girl on more

00:48:14than a well-executed handbrake turn.

00:48:16Oh, gotcha, a fact.

00:48:17It's like, you know, a peacock has its plumage.

00:48:19Those birds in the jungle,

00:48:20they attract a mate with dancing about.

00:48:22We have the handbrake.

00:48:23It's our equivalent.

00:48:24That's what it's for.

00:48:25I have no tail feathers.

00:48:26But I can do this.

00:48:27Interestingly, girls will always say,

00:48:29no, we're not interested.

00:48:30But they never show it.

00:48:31They never have ever shown it.

00:48:33They're suppressing it very well.

00:48:35You're right.

00:48:36Very effectively.

00:48:37Armed with this new information about women,

00:48:39James decided to get some practice.

00:48:43While we talked to the girls.

00:48:46I've got a motorbike.

00:48:48It's nice.

00:48:49Yeah.

00:48:50Have you seen him?

00:48:51He's rubbish.

00:48:52I'm much better.

00:48:53I did one yesterday at Glastonbury,

00:48:54and it was brilliant.

00:48:56And...

00:48:58That's him being rubbish.

00:49:01It does work really well.

00:49:02I did a huge one.

00:49:03It does work really well.

00:49:04He just can't do it.

00:49:05He can't do it.

00:49:06And he's got no penis,

00:49:07because it came off once.

00:49:09With James cleared off the track,

00:49:11I lined up for the off.

00:49:14Oh, that was a blinding start.

00:49:17What do you reckon his approach is going to be?

00:49:19Fast violence.

00:49:21Oh, got to hit this.

00:49:23Missed.

00:49:26Oh, that's the bus shelter.

00:49:27The bus shelter's good.

00:49:28This is like any 17-year-old coming home from work.

00:49:33He's got to the flower stall.

00:49:35Oh, my God.

00:49:36That's substantial.

00:49:37Yeah!

00:49:40That was strangely satisfying.

00:49:42Road works.

00:49:45Mmm, that's good.

00:49:46Wheelie bin.

00:49:48Fantastic.

00:49:49Sadly, the handbrake turn was a disaster.

00:49:52There's nothing I can do about the water bottle.

00:49:55That is a consequence of the accident.

00:49:57Oh, no!

00:49:58It's still there!

00:49:59Holy cow!

00:50:00Through we go!

00:50:01Yes!

00:50:02James was next.

00:50:03George!

00:50:04Yes, yes, do it.

00:50:05Oh, my God's sake.

00:50:07No!

00:50:08He's missed the call.

00:50:09Oh, nice!

00:50:10Down the back straight, it was hard to see why he bothered with a helmet.

00:50:14Oh, well, mum, I've just been to the post office, they've got a new stamp out.

00:50:33Oh, well, man, I've just been to the post office.

00:50:42They've got a new stamp out.

00:50:46But then, as he approached, the girls all became clear.

00:50:54They're hot for James May right now.

00:50:56Might as well have cut the penis off for all the good that did.

00:51:00Oh, yes, good idea. Quick, quick, quick, quick.

00:51:02I know what you're thinking. I'm going to do it, too.

00:51:06There you go.

00:51:09Perfect.

00:51:16That's not gone quite as well.

00:51:18So now it was all down to me.

00:51:22So they both missed the car, the first obstacle.

00:51:24Oh, well.

00:51:28Yeah, you see? Oh, yeah.

00:51:30Thirty-five seconds before we move more than a yard.

00:51:33Right, so it's around the Hammerhead in a normal manner.

00:51:39Oh, what a pillock.

00:51:44You all right?

00:51:49Dead.

00:51:50Really?

00:51:50Yeah.

00:51:51Yeah.

00:51:53Anyway, er...

00:51:55Back to the studio.

00:51:56That's my life.

00:51:57APPLAUSE

00:51:59Don't forget.

00:52:00Don't forget.

00:52:01Don't forget your face to me.

00:52:02No, I don't have to do it.

00:52:03I thought that's got a damn way.

00:52:04I've got a face to you.

00:52:05No, no, no.

00:52:07Luckily, children, I got better.

00:52:10You might not be so lucky.

00:52:12Yes.

00:52:13It's like my penis.

00:52:14That grew back.

00:52:15Yours...

00:52:16Might not.

00:52:19Anyway, er...

00:52:20Let's have a look how we all did.

00:52:22No real surprises in the scoring

00:52:24until we get to the repair section,

00:52:26where I got two, Hammond got four,

00:52:28James, you got minus 100.

00:52:30Is that a minus?

00:52:31Yes, that's a minus.

00:52:32Oh, come on.

00:52:33What else did you expect?

00:52:34Look, you failed to address any of these things.

00:52:36The ruined bonnet, the crumpled roof,

00:52:38door mirror missing, all these dents.

00:52:40All you did was concentrate all your time on one scratch,

00:52:43and it's still here. Look.

00:52:45I ran out of time.

00:52:47What you did there was prove what I've said all along.

00:52:49Polish doesn't work.

00:52:51It can't get rid of anything.

00:52:52When do you ever see the NHS going,

00:52:53ooh, that's a nasty head wound.

00:52:55We'll get some tea cut on it.

00:52:57It doesn't get rid of anything.

00:52:59All he did was end up with a really clean scratch.

00:53:01Exactly.

00:53:02All right, all right, let's move it on.

00:53:03Look, we've got the lap of crashes.

00:53:04Jeremy, you got 121.

00:53:06I got 103.

00:53:08Hammond, you got minus 174.

00:53:12Oh, well, so conveniently,

00:53:14I just happened to get minus exactly the number of points I had.

00:53:17Yes, yes.

00:53:18So you're on one.

00:53:19There's no other words.

00:53:20You're on naught.

00:53:21Yeah.

00:53:22You're on naught.

00:53:23OK, but now is the big one.

00:53:25The handbrake turn.

00:53:26Now, our teenage judges said they were prepared to award

00:53:30up to five points for a really good one.

00:53:33Well, just five points, that means I can't possibly win.

00:53:35No.

00:53:36Sorry.

00:53:37And what's your car doing?

00:53:38Can I just say, you can't stop that happening.

00:53:41What happened was, you see, the thing is, is this got clobbered here,

00:53:45the washer, a headlight washer, and it's blown the fuse,

00:53:48and that just is constant.

00:53:49Been going on since we filmed it in March.

00:53:51Now, Jeremy Clarkson, it is now between you and me.

00:53:54Yes, it is.

00:53:55Last week, like in a train race.

00:53:56Yes, it is.

00:53:57So your handbrake turn.

00:53:58Yes.

00:53:59What did you get?

00:54:00The girls awarded me...

00:54:04nothing.

00:54:06No point.

00:54:07Why do you do that?

00:54:08Why can't you just admit that you are turned on by handbrake turns?

00:54:11Just give in to it.

00:54:12Just go with it.

00:54:13You know this as a man.

00:54:15There's nothing else going for you.

00:54:16No, come on.

00:54:18That is what does it.

00:54:19You think we're immature when we do handbrake turns, don't you?

00:54:21No, they claim to be there.

00:54:22But you don't.

00:54:23Secretly, you have a crisis.

00:54:28I bet you any money when...

00:54:30I'm sorry.

00:54:31Can somebody...

00:54:32Can you just...

00:54:35This is consumer advice as well.

00:54:37Shut up!

00:54:39This is also consumer advice happening right now.

00:54:41The door handles come off!

00:54:43Can you go in there and make that noise?

00:54:45Please stop!

00:54:47Can you open the door?

00:54:49Just turn...

00:54:50Can you turn the key?

00:54:51Yes.

00:54:58Now that's...

00:55:00Come on, you're turned on now!

00:55:03Anyway, I got gnawed.

00:55:04Yes.

00:55:05And that means...

00:55:06That means you are now...

00:55:09Oh, three points behind me.

00:55:10So if you got four, the girls gave you four...

00:55:13They did, didn't they?

00:55:15They did.

00:55:16What did they give you?

00:55:17Nothing.

00:55:18Yes!

00:55:20Byam Victoria!

00:55:25Barely beaten.

00:55:27The Volvo.

00:55:28Hold on, no, no, no.

00:55:29Think about it.

00:55:30Think what you're applauding, because what we're saying then,

00:55:34what we're saying then, what we're saying is the best car.

00:55:37The best car for a 17-year-old is a beige Volvo estate with a broken back window.

00:55:43Yep!

00:55:44That's what my children are getting.

00:55:45Be assured.

00:55:46Anyway, that is the end, you'll be relieved to hear, of the consumer advice for this week.

00:55:51No, no, no, it's not, because there is some more.

00:55:53Earlier on in the show, before I was killed, I was in Abu Dhabi testing the new Lamborghini Machi Lago.

00:55:59And in fact, I'm still there, because now it's time for the moment petrolheads all over the world have been waiting for.

00:56:07The first ever showdown between the two fastest road cars of all time.

00:56:13This car you're familiar with, the Bugatti Veyron, the Concorde of the road.

00:56:24The meeting point for the most amazing collection of numbers.

00:56:29One million pounds, 1,000 horsepower, and a top speed of 252 miles an hour.

00:56:37But spin the clock back 15 years, and in the 1990s, this was the ultimate road car.

00:56:47The McLaren F1.

00:56:52Like the Bugatti, the McLaren is an orgy of mind-bending numbers.

00:56:56It was the fastest, with a top speed of 240 miles an hour.

00:57:00It was the most expensive, costing half a million pounds in 1993.

00:57:05And, like the Bugatti, the McLaren was built utterly without compromise.

00:57:12The engine bay was lined with gold, because gold is the best heat reflector.

00:57:17An entirely new and unique gearbox had to be developed, because no existing gearbox could survive the torque from the 6.1 litre BMW engine.

00:57:26It was the first carbon fibre-bodied car.

00:57:29But although these cars have so much in common, the McLaren and the Veyron are actually poles apart.

00:57:37And whereas the Veyron is loaded with technology, the McLaren gets nothing.

00:57:48No traction control, no ABS. Its gizmo cupboard is completely bare.

00:57:54The F1's creator wanted his machine to be just the greatest, the purest driving machine.

00:58:05In the same way the Bugatti's creator wanted it to be the most amazing technical achievement.

00:58:10And that shines through the way they feel.

00:58:15Changing gear.

00:58:17It's like sliding the Bug's action forwards on a rifle, that well-oiled, mechanical, metallic feel.

00:58:24And you sit, slap-bang in the middle, for that racing driver sensation.

00:58:29Oh dear lord!

00:58:32Ha ha ha!

00:58:38Okay, what I shall do now is climb out of the McLaren F1 and get into the Bugatti Veyron.

00:58:46Not a bad day, this one, so far.

00:58:49Right.

00:58:51It's a business.

00:58:52Because, for the first time ever, these titans will now go head-to-head in a one-mile drag race.

00:59:02I shall be in the Veyron.

00:59:05And in the McLaren, a man who has no idea that he's about to make history.

00:59:12He is quite excited though.

00:59:14He saw his first camel today.

00:59:16Actually, I'm quite glad it's ending that car, because today that McLaren is worth two million quid.

00:59:26If we do come together though, he does know the drill.

00:59:30Run and meet at the border.

00:59:33Nearly ready.

00:59:36On paper, the Bugatti's got it.

00:59:37I've got 1,000 horsepower, 270 more than the McLaren.

00:59:42But the McLaren weighs less.

00:59:44So it's got more power to wait.

00:59:47In order to 60, the Bugatti should have it.

00:59:49I don't know, this is the real world.

00:59:51We'll have to see what happens.

00:59:56Three, two, one, go!

01:00:02Yes, this is it.

01:00:04Forward into history.

01:00:06What?

01:00:08How is that happening?

01:00:10How is that happening?

01:00:13The old pretender is still there.

01:00:15It won't give up its crown.

01:00:17We're now doing 240 kilometres an hour.

01:00:21Come on, Bugatti.

01:00:24We're going to give him a really minute.

01:00:261,000 horsepower, there's no way past that.

01:00:29I'm going to take it.

01:00:31Yes!

01:00:33Ha, ha, ha, ha!

01:00:35300 kilometres an hour.

01:00:37320 kilometres an hour!

01:00:42Yes!

01:00:44320, and I have clearly taken it!

01:00:49The Bugatti takes the prize.

01:00:51Honestly, honestly, what's in that?

01:00:59Hares.

01:01:01Hares in the back of the neck.

01:01:03Dead straight load in those two.

01:01:05And of course, what we've proved there is that the Bugatti Veyron, which we know to be the fastest car in the world, is faster than another kind of car.