Plebs Soldiers Of Rome – Full Movie - video Dailymotion

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Follow three ordinary Plebs who enlist in the Roman army during peacetime, seeking respect, romance, and exclusive military perks. Their aspirations quickly turn to a desperate fight for survival when war breaks out, thrusting them onto the front lines of a Roman legion. This historical comedy-adventure explores their unexpected journey as they navigate the perils of battle for a cause they don't truly believe in.  roman-empire ancient-rome comedy adventure war-film soldiers survival historical  #PlebsSoldiersOfRome #FullMovie #RomanComedy #HistoricalAdventure

Transcript

00:00:00In the air

00:00:07In the air

00:00:16In the air

00:00:20Romeo?

00:00:21Romeo, mate

00:00:24Marcus?

00:00:29No

00:00:32Grêmio

00:00:34No, no, no, no

00:00:36Grêmio

00:00:37Grêmio

00:00:38No

00:00:39Grêmio, please

00:00:41Don't be dead

00:00:42Don't be dead

00:00:43London

00:00:44Answer

00:00:46What's the week

00:00:49Grêmio

00:00:50Yeah

00:00:51Yeah

00:00:55Hurry up, Groomio, you lazy slug.

00:01:05Why are you so slow?

00:01:06It's hard you shouldn't have set off now.

00:01:07In between Brachia and my morning pool.

00:01:09I'm fully loaded up, all right?

00:01:10Yes, well, not everything in life can be turned around your bowel movements, I'm afraid.

00:01:13Oh, you're kidding me.

00:01:36I will definitely be late.

00:01:37Can't we just nip across this party or whatever?

00:01:39It's not a party.

00:01:40It's an idiot.

00:01:41It's a victory parade.

00:01:42You don't just nip across.

00:01:44Oh, victory?

00:01:45Oh, we'll be at this time.

00:01:46The Parthians.

00:01:47Looks like we kicked their arses, fucking losers.

00:01:51In your first, Parthians.

00:01:54Who are you?

00:01:55Who are you?

00:01:56Oh, I don't know.

00:01:57These Parthians.

00:01:58No idea.

00:01:58Either way, I'm not sure we should be cheering the annihilation of another race.

00:02:01It's their fault, didn't it, for messing with bats?

00:02:03Come on, let's go the long way around.

00:02:06Oh, dear.

00:02:07Oh, what was that?

00:02:08Sounds like we stole an elephant.

00:02:10They could do that with their noses, apparently.

00:02:11You are?

00:02:12Yes, I've got to say.

00:02:13Oh, sorry.

00:02:15You're treading on my foot.

00:02:16I'm sorry, we just want to see the elephant.

00:02:17Well, I want to see soldiers remind myself what real men look like.

00:02:21Like professional murderers, I guess.

00:02:22Well, not like some whiny pussy whose mum still tucks him in.

00:02:25You have a very narrow definition of masculinity.

00:02:27Touch me again, I'll lamp you.

00:02:29And my mum doesn't tuck me in, thank you.

00:02:31Blunt in, Laura, it's a...

00:02:32Warned you, dickhead.

00:02:37Romeo, help me!

00:02:38This is quality.

00:02:39You're half an hour late.

00:02:50Yeah, sorry.

00:02:51It was the army's fault for blocking the road, and an old woman's fault for punching me in

00:02:55the face.

00:02:55And my slave's for not defending me.

00:02:57Defendant my forte.

00:02:58This is the slave whose license you failed to renew.

00:03:01Grummy-o, is it?

00:03:02It is, yes.

00:03:02Hello.

00:03:03Yeah, again, his fault for not completing the paperwork.

00:03:05Paperwork's not my forte, either.

00:03:07I'm not sure he has a forte, to be honest.

00:03:09Well, why renew his license, then?

00:03:11Wouldn't you rather just sell him?

00:03:13What?

00:03:13Do you want to buy him?

00:03:14Definitely not.

00:03:15And there you go.

00:03:16He's a dud.

00:03:17And I'm stuck with him.

00:03:17Pock cattle, mate.

00:03:20Right.

00:03:20Well, fill in this form, and return to collect your license next week.

00:03:25And don't be late this time.

00:03:26Yeah.

00:03:28What can I use your back to write on?

00:03:31And it says a dart of a fart-o.

00:03:36Okay, darling.

00:03:47Right, next match, you be me.

00:03:49No?

00:03:50All right, just follow him instead.

00:03:51Don't blame me, I'm just a bleeding beefcake.

00:03:53We're busy.

00:03:54Why are we busy?

00:03:55All right, boys.

00:03:56Yeah, I filled the place with soldiers.

00:03:58There's someone in my seat.

00:03:59That's a small price to pay, Grumio.

00:04:01This is amazing.

00:04:02I know, right?

00:04:02I signed us up to this thing where businesses give freebies to soldiers.

00:04:06Freebies?

00:04:07Yeah.

00:04:07And then they all just pile in.

00:04:08They're getting freebies.

00:04:09Why would you do that?

00:04:11To show some appreciation to the heroes, maybe.

00:04:13Yeah.

00:04:13And to show some appreciation to the hotties that follow him in.

00:04:16Although, we're only really interested in the heroes, so it's sort of backfired in that respect.

00:04:21It's backfired in everybody's respect.

00:04:22This is a disaster.

00:04:24Yeah.

00:04:24Where am I meant to sit?

00:04:25Excuse me.

00:04:26Hello.

00:04:27Heroes and friends of heroes.

00:04:29Just to say, we are no longer participating in the free food and drink scheme.

00:04:33You're more than welcome to stay, of course, but from now on, you will have to pay.

00:04:37You already paid me with our service.

00:04:40Okay.

00:04:41Well, from now on, you can pay with your money.

00:04:43For our service.

00:04:45Is this guy for real?

00:04:46Are you for real?

00:04:46Yes, I am.

00:04:47We just conquered Parthia for pricks like you.

00:04:50And this is the thanks we get.

00:04:52Well, you didn't conquer it for me.

00:04:53I was absolutely fine without Parthia.

00:04:54Thank you very much.

00:04:55Some of us got killed.

00:04:56Yes.

00:04:56Well, not you, though.

00:04:57Clearly.

00:04:58I got wounded, mate.

00:04:59Picked up this baby on a final assault.

00:05:02Did you?

00:05:02Really?

00:05:03Because I picked up a similar baby falling off a pony when I was nine, so...

00:05:07Oh, can't find it now.

00:05:08It must have faded.

00:05:08Either way, you will have to pay, I'm afraid.

00:05:11Well, come on then, lads.

00:05:12Let's go somewhere that values our sacrifice.

00:05:15We're doing for a chicken at the big barn.

00:05:16Yeah, that's more like it.

00:05:19Come on.

00:05:21You need to respect the eagle, boy.

00:05:26Oi, oi, oi, stop it.

00:05:31Come on, a couple more wacks.

00:05:32The old thing will come down.

00:05:34All right, landlord.

00:05:35Salve, groom, you.

00:05:36Look at this.

00:05:37I have a message from the emperor.

00:05:39Oh, right.

00:05:39Will that him there, then?

00:05:40Oh, yeah, yeah.

00:05:41He's very hands-on.

00:05:42What's it say?

00:05:43Following the victory in Parthia,

00:05:45His Holiness, Augustus Caesar,

00:05:47hereby calls an end to all wars

00:05:49and declares an era of lasting peace.

00:05:51Oh, sweet.

00:05:52Peace is way better.

00:05:54Well, it's my peaceful, isn't it?

00:05:55As a result, our brave veterans will now need housing,

00:05:58and so he commands a series of purchase orders

00:06:01on selected tenements, including this one.

00:06:04What?

00:06:04They're buying this place.

00:06:05And kicking us out, yeah.

00:06:07Don't kick us out.

00:06:08We love it here.

00:06:09Well, I wouldn't go that far,

00:06:10but, yeah, please don't kick us out.

00:06:11That'll be a huge faff.

00:06:13Don't sweat it, boys.

00:06:14You know me.

00:06:15I can wriggle out of it.

00:06:17Nice.

00:06:17Yeah, cheers, I love it.

00:06:18Given the inconvenience,

00:06:20we are prepared to offer an inflated price

00:06:22of a bloody hell, um...

00:06:25Right, so does that mean...

00:06:26Well, maybe I can't wriggle out of you, actually.

00:06:30Oh, super.

00:06:31Super duper.

00:06:33I mean, how have they done this?

00:06:34In one day,

00:06:35these heroes have absolutely smashed my quality of life.

00:06:38This must be what it's like for the bloody Parthians.

00:06:40Look, I hear you, brother,

00:06:41and I agree.

00:06:42It is jizz.

00:06:43It's red-hot jizz.

00:06:44OK?

00:06:44But it's how we respond to this stuff that counts.

00:06:46Yes, yes, I know.

00:06:48Think of the positives.

00:06:49Focus on what we've got.

00:06:51Well, no.

00:06:51I was thinking more.

00:06:53We join the army.

00:06:56I'm sorry.

00:06:57What kind of response is that?

00:06:58Look, think about it.

00:06:59As soon as we put them uniforms on,

00:07:01we're going to be drowning in hotties,

00:07:02free chicken,

00:07:03and it doesn't matter if we get turfed out of this place,

00:07:05because they'll put us up in barracks.

00:07:07You had me at free chicken, sweetheart.

00:07:09And your quality of life,

00:07:10double naughty.

00:07:12I mean, yeah,

00:07:12unless I get killed,

00:07:14death wouldn't be ideal for my quality of life, either.

00:07:16You heard Landlord.

00:07:17His holiness has declared an era of lasting peace.

00:07:20We'd have all the perks without any of the shit stuff,

00:07:22e.g. dying.

00:07:22And we might get one of them bug brush helmets.

00:07:25Exactly.

00:07:26Come on, man.

00:07:26There has never been a better time to sign up.

00:07:29I turn 30 in a few weeks.

00:07:30I'm not just starting again as a soldier.

00:07:34Plus, there's the bar.

00:07:36We've got to think about that.

00:07:37That place has got so much untapped potential.

00:07:40Look around you.

00:07:41They've trashed the place.

00:07:42The stock's gone.

00:07:45The plates are in pieces.

00:07:46And they've shattered the wine jugs.

00:07:49It's quite impressive, actually.

00:07:50So, Jason,

00:07:58why do you want to join the armed forces?

00:08:00Uh, I guess...

00:08:02Impress girls.

00:08:03You know what I mean?

00:08:04OK.

00:08:05I'm going to put...

00:08:06To give something back to my country.

00:08:08Cool.

00:08:08Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:08:09That's it.

00:08:09Yeah.

00:08:12Ooh.

00:08:12Could you please tell me the motto of the Roman army?

00:08:19Kill strangers, get elephants?

00:08:22Almost.

00:08:22It's strength and honour.

00:08:25Well, they both work, don't they?

00:08:26What would you say is your greatest achievement?

00:08:34It's a tricky one.

00:08:35There's so much to choose from.

00:08:36I once hit a wheelbarrow full of cheese.

00:08:38OK.

00:08:39Anything else?

00:08:40I didn't cut my toenails for a year.

00:08:42I think I'll stick with the cheese.

00:08:44You're the boss.

00:08:46Congratulations.

00:08:47Welcome to the army.

00:08:49That was easier than I thought.

00:08:50Well, with so many soldiers retiring,

00:08:52we're taking almost anyone at the moment.

00:08:54OK, that makes sense now.

00:08:56And we get 2,000 denarii just for signing up.

00:08:58I can't believe it.

00:08:59I know.

00:08:59I'm still waiting for the catch.

00:09:01I think it's coming now.

00:09:03Ah, for Joe's sake.

00:09:05What are you doing here?

00:09:06Um, giving us looking back to my country, of course.

00:09:08Did you follow us?

00:09:09Well, let's not dwell on who followed who.

00:09:11So, yes, then.

00:09:12Yes.

00:09:13I did, but who cares?

00:09:15We're together.

00:09:16Here's what matters.

00:09:16This is a whole new adventure for us.

00:09:18The barracks, boys.

00:09:20And we'll learn how to strangle someone.

00:09:22Recruits!

00:09:23Falling!

00:09:24Which one's falling?

00:09:26Sorry, mate.

00:09:26Just stand still, golden tits.

00:09:29Morning!

00:09:31My name is Centurion Guardian.

00:09:35But you can call me Sir.

00:09:39It's my job to turn you bunch of bedwetters

00:09:43into a crack troop of hardened killers.

00:09:47Which, seeing as the emperor's called an end to all war,

00:09:51is a complete fucking waste of time.

00:09:55We should just form a daisy chain and fucking tug each other dry.

00:09:58But, the big man is paying us.

00:10:03So let's crack on with the oath.

00:10:07Repeat after me.

00:10:08I swear by the sacred gods of my own honour.

00:10:11And I swear by the sacred gods of my own honour.

00:10:15That I will faithfully serve under the standards of Rome.

00:10:18I will faithfully serve under the standards of Rome.

00:10:22That I will follow my commander wherever he may lead.

00:10:25That I will follow my commander wherever he may lead.

00:10:28That I will obey orders enthusiastically and without question.

00:10:32That I will support my fellow soldiers.

00:10:38That I will support my fellow soldiers.

00:10:41And I will never desert the legion.

00:10:44And I will never desert the legion.

00:10:48Having made this solemn oath, I congratulate you.

00:10:52Welcome to the second legion.

00:10:54You are now soldiers of Rome.

00:10:57Easy peaser.

00:11:02I told her I was a commando.

00:11:03Like, I don't even know what that is.

00:11:05It's someone I don't wear on this.

00:11:06That was definitely true by the end of the night.

00:11:09I've got a hand to you, Jason.

00:11:10I cannot believe how cushy this is.

00:11:12I know.

00:11:12And it's just marching about, which is basically walking.

00:11:14And not to stroke my own goat.

00:11:15But I had nailed that for the age of two.

00:11:17Oh, crap.

00:11:19Uh-huh.

00:11:19I didn't catch much of that creme,

00:11:20but I'm assuming it was something about the free chicken.

00:11:22Hmm.

00:11:24Hmm.

00:11:27I need 400 sacks of grain, 200 pack horses, and 3,000 cabbages.

00:11:39That's a big recipe.

00:11:40What you're making is stoole.

00:11:41Ha-ha-ha.

00:11:42No.

00:11:43No.

00:11:43We had news last night of a barbarian invasion on our northern border.

00:11:48Ooh.

00:11:48Really?

00:11:49Where's that, then?

00:11:50Uh, Frisia.

00:11:51About a three-week march away.

00:11:52Oh, that's fine.

00:11:53They won't get here for ages.

00:11:54Well, they won't get here at all, ideally.

00:11:57We're sending the Second Legion to drive them back.

00:12:00Nice one.

00:12:00But that's on that alert.

00:12:01We're the Second Legion.

00:12:02Oh, shit.

00:12:03That is us.

00:12:04There we go.

00:12:04The pennies dropped.

00:12:05Yes, the Emperor's put us on the immediate war footing, you see.

00:12:08But what about the era of lasting peace?

00:12:10I suppose it didn't last very long, did it?

00:12:12As per...

00:12:13Do you hear the news, lads?

00:12:15Go pack your bollocks.

00:12:16We're going to war, baby.

00:12:17Come on!

00:12:19Let's kill some filthy foreign fucks.

00:12:21Yeah!

00:12:21Strength and honour, then.

00:12:27Strength and honour.

00:12:38War?

00:12:39Fucking war?

00:12:41There's never been a better time to sign up, you said.

00:12:43Don't blame me.

00:12:45Blame the barbarians for invading, or the Emperor for getting wound up.

00:12:48Chill out, it'll be fine.

00:12:49I'm sorry, what?

00:12:50War will be fine.

00:12:52Prumps.

00:12:53Yeah, look, it might even be good.

00:12:54Might we toddle up there, fight some foreigners, bang some birds, and then we toddle back.

00:12:58It'll be like a lad's holiday.

00:13:00Of course it won't.

00:13:01It will be horrible.

00:13:03War is not for guys like us.

00:13:05Let alone groomio.

00:13:06Well?

00:13:07Well, let alone groomio.

00:13:09Pop out a soldier in it for me.

00:13:10Well, let's have a think, shall we?

00:13:11Um, getting out of bed.

00:13:13Making your bed.

00:13:14That's two things you struggle with in the first few minutes of the day.

00:13:16And how will you cope with the bloodthirsty barbarians?

00:13:19Well, I'll give them a wide berth, obviously.

00:13:20And if shit gets nasty, I'll play dead.

00:13:23I fear you won't have to play dead, groomio, when you will just be dead.

00:13:26Don't worry about me, son.

00:13:28I'll ace it.

00:13:30Hey, if you're not up for it, mate, then I was about you just don't come.

00:13:35Well, no, because that's desertion.

00:13:37And according to our oath, that is not cool.

00:13:42Grimio, pass me that knife.

00:13:44I'm going to chop my pinky off.

00:13:45What?

00:13:46How's that going to help?

00:13:47The army needs you to have all ten fingers, remember?

00:13:49It's a red chicken, eh?

00:13:50Don't you fucking judge me!

00:13:51I meant the knife.

00:13:51It's covered in chicken, Joel.

00:13:53That's fine.

00:13:53Just give it in.

00:13:57Goodbye, little finger.

00:13:59Never really used you, but I thank you for your sacrifice to save the rest of me.

00:14:05If I can just bring myself to do it.

00:14:09Okay, I am a bit chickeny.

00:14:17War it is, then.

00:14:18Good choice.

00:14:19I've got one more for the road.

00:14:20It feels like...

00:14:22Good choice.

00:14:25Wait, you're right.

00:14:26Don't you?

00:14:31We are marching on

00:14:36We'll come with peace

00:14:38We'll come with peace

00:14:40I'll do the promised land

00:14:42We'll do the promised land

00:14:44The sun shines bright

00:14:46We'll do the promised land

00:14:48We'll come with peace

00:14:50I'm the only desert

00:14:52There's no night there

00:14:54There is no night there

00:14:56No night in promised land

00:14:58No night in promised land

00:15:00We are marching on

00:15:04We are marching on

00:15:06We are marching on

00:15:08Company! Fall out!

00:15:13Fall out, not fall down, gal,

00:15:15you ugly turd! On your feet, man!

00:15:18Welcome. Welcome to the garrison.

00:15:21Well, it's a bit of a sausage party, isn't it?

00:15:22What, the army? Yeah.

00:15:24It is. What were you expecting?

00:15:26Well, like a girl in every port. That's the saying, isn't it?

00:15:28Yeah. About the navy. Is it?

00:15:30Shit. I saw a hot blonde standing in the field a couple of days back.

00:15:34I was a scarecrow, Romeo.

00:15:36A hot scarecrow, then.

00:15:38Company! Attention!

00:15:40Get yourselves in groups of four and grab a tent from the pile.

00:15:42Chop, chop, get to it!

00:15:44And a one, two, three, four. They call us the canvas crew.

00:15:48Don't think they do, actually.

00:15:50Why not? We're a ready-made foursome.

00:15:52Well, because our tent's full.

00:15:54Yeah, we're already a foursome mate.

00:15:56What? How? Who with?

00:15:58Uh, where's he gone?

00:16:00Bit of a sausage fest, isn't it?

00:16:02There he is.

00:16:03Oi, mate! Remind me your name again?

00:16:05Draco Fructus.

00:16:06Why?

00:16:07That's the one. And you're on a tent with us, right?

00:16:09Yeah. Sure, whatever.

00:16:11Sorry, bro, we can't let Draco Fructus down.

00:16:14Alright, lads, do you want to share a tent?

00:16:16No? Okay.

00:16:17Greetings, Centurion.

00:16:18Welcome to Frisia.

00:16:20Thank you, sir. Glad to be here.

00:16:22No, you shouldn't be. This place is a total toilet.

00:16:24Foreign milk tastes weird, doesn't it, Corporal?

00:16:26Oh, it does, sir.

00:16:27Pillows are weird as well.

00:16:28No fluff to them at all, is there, Corporal?

00:16:30Oh, they are very flat, sir.

00:16:31Disgustingly flat.

00:16:32Well, let's hope these newbies are up to snuff so they can get out of this dump pronto.

00:16:36They certainly are, sir.

00:16:39That man's stuck in a tent.

00:16:40Which place do you want?

00:16:41Armstrong.

00:16:42Get off, Greg.

00:16:43Oh, for fuck's sake.

00:16:45Galuffin!

00:16:47Get here!

00:16:48Go!

00:16:49Move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move!

00:16:52Come on!

00:16:53That's it, boys!

00:16:54Move on through there!

00:16:55And the next!

00:16:56And go!

00:16:57Go on!

00:16:58That's it, wee man!

00:16:59Faster, Garrow, you godly dicks!

00:17:01Go, go, go!

00:17:02That's it!

00:17:03That's it!

00:17:04Keep moving!

00:17:05Come on, Garrow!

00:17:06Pathetic!

00:17:07You're like a lifeless testicle!

00:17:08Concentrate, Garrow.

00:17:09That wrist's had enough practice, isn't it?

00:17:10Well done, Grimio.

00:17:11That's nice and shiny.

00:17:12Don't just hang there, Garrow, you miserable streak of spunk!

00:17:13Pull her!

00:17:14Pull her!

00:17:15Okay, shitbirds.

00:17:16The moment you've all been waiting for.

00:17:17Combat training!

00:17:18I need a volunteer.

00:17:19Go on then, sir.

00:17:20I'll have a bash.

00:17:21Good man.

00:17:22Grab the sword.

00:17:23Now, I want you to edge forward, side on, and stab it.

00:17:24Yes, sir.

00:17:25I'll do my best.

00:17:26Good.

00:17:27Good stab.

00:17:28Good.

00:17:29Good stance.

00:17:30No sense of gravity.

00:17:31Did you spar back in Rome?

00:17:32Yes, sir.

00:17:33I'll do my best.

00:17:34Good.

00:17:35Good stance.

00:17:36Did you spar back in Rome?

00:17:37Well, the bathhouse did have a steam room, yeah.

00:17:38Did you fight at home?

00:17:39No, sir.

00:17:40I mostly ate and slipped.

00:17:41Ah, then you must be a natural.

00:17:43Well, I'm not sure.

00:17:44I'm not sure.

00:17:45I'm not sure.

00:17:46I'm not sure.

00:17:47I'm not sure.

00:17:48I'm not sure.

00:17:49I'm not sure.

00:17:50I'm not sure.

00:17:51I'm not sure.

00:17:52Good.

00:17:53Good stance.

00:17:54No sense of gravity.

00:17:55Did you spar back in Rome?

00:17:58Well, the bathhouse did have a steam room, yeah.

00:18:00Ah, did you fight at home?

00:18:02No, sir.

00:18:03I mostly ate and slipped.

00:18:04Ah, then you must be a natural.

00:18:09You disagree, do you, legionary?

00:18:11Well, perhaps you would like to show us how it's done?

00:18:14Oh, yes.

00:18:15Please do, legionary.

00:18:19Okay.

00:18:22So, something like...

00:18:24Sidon!

00:18:28I ordered you to stab, not swipe.

00:18:29Got it.

00:18:30Got it, sir!

00:18:31Got it, sir.

00:18:32Sorry.

00:18:33It's quite heavy.

00:18:34Sidon!

00:18:35I ordered you to stab, not swipe.

00:18:36Stab!

00:18:37Stab!

00:18:38Stab!

00:18:39Stab!

00:18:40Did I say you could stop?

00:18:41Sorry, sir.

00:18:42He's got a splinter.

00:18:43A splinter?

00:18:44Oh, shit!

00:18:45Oh, is that why you're wailing like a baby being buggered, is it?

00:18:48How in Joel's name are you going to cope with actual barbarians?

00:18:53Will they be made of wood, sir?

00:18:55No, legionary!

00:18:56They will not be made of wood!

00:18:57They will be made of pure savagery of hatred!

00:19:00Something you better be ready for if you're going to be on the front line of the Roman fucking army!

00:19:05Sorry, the front line?

00:19:07Stand down, Gallo!

00:19:08You quivering anus!

00:19:09Then shut up!

00:19:10Pathetic.

00:19:19The front line?

00:19:20I thought he'd be hidden in the middle somewhere.

00:19:22The front line's class is to the action.

00:19:24That's what you want.

00:19:25Maybe at a gig?

00:19:26Yes, not at a war.

00:19:27Hey, we'll be first into enemy territory, so, er, dibs on the spiles, if you know what I'm saying.

00:19:32Oh, yeah!

00:19:33I've got to spoils meself rotten.

00:19:34Oh, yeah, man.

00:19:35We'll scoop up some of that sweet barbarian booty.

00:19:37And the booty!

00:19:38Le ferute booty!

00:19:39Sorry, just to be clear, are you talking about sexual assault?

00:19:42Oh!

00:19:43I don't think so.

00:19:44What, are we?

00:19:45No.

00:19:46No, not exactly.

00:19:47Pillaging booty's a well-known part of the war experience.

00:19:49Well, for consensual pillaging, yeah?

00:19:51Well, the foreigners, er, it's hard to know what they're saying.

00:19:54Don't worry about it.

00:19:55It's a grey area.

00:19:56It's quite dark grey, though, isn't it?

00:19:58Booty!

00:19:59Uh-huh.

00:20:00A little tip from the top, I'll actually apply oil to my lips to keep them lewd.

00:20:03I mean, yes, where have you been?

00:20:04How come you went to training?

00:20:05And what's with the curly sword?

00:20:06It's my big bugle, if you must know.

00:20:08Top brass saw I have music skills in my forms and transferred me to the oompar band.

00:20:12The band?

00:20:13What, do you still have to do soldiering or what?

00:20:15Nope.

00:20:16We just play chowns at the back.

00:20:17Which is a shame, because I'm also an excellent archer.

00:20:19But hey-ho.

00:20:20Er, can we get transferred to the oompar band, mate?

00:20:22I doubt it.

00:20:23You need at least grade five in a wind instrument.

00:20:26And no, your bottom doesn't count.

00:20:29Come on, band of brothers, let's leave these losers behind.

00:20:32Catch you guys in a bit.

00:20:34Er, where you going?

00:20:36Trying out defensive manoeuvres?

00:20:38Yeah.

00:20:39Yeah, so am I.

00:20:48Hello there.

00:20:49I'm here to see the, erm, senior officer.

00:20:51I've just arrived from Rome.

00:20:52Ah, yes, of course.

00:20:53The general's just right there.

00:20:55Through here?

00:20:56Uh-huh.

00:20:57In you go, then.

00:20:58He's here, sir!

00:21:03General Darmody, sir.

00:21:04Ah-ha.

00:21:05And about time, too.

00:21:06Where do you want me?

00:21:07The couch, the desk?

00:21:08Uh, wherever you like.

00:21:09It was just to ask about the possibility of, er...

00:21:11Can't tell you how desperately I've needed someone with your expertise.

00:21:18Come on, then.

00:21:19Hop to it.

00:21:20My neck and shoulders are in absolute knots.

00:21:25Top-drop.

00:21:26Right.

00:21:27Yes.

00:21:28Yep.

00:21:34Ah.

00:21:35Senator Macrobius was singing your praises.

00:21:38Said you had the magic touch.

00:21:39That's...

00:21:40kind of him.

00:21:41Hence why I had your son from Rome.

00:21:43The doctors they have here are weird, with weird smelly hands.

00:21:47Don't hold back.

00:21:48Really.

00:21:49Get in there.

00:21:50Nice and deep.

00:21:52Ah, yes.

00:21:53That's it.

00:21:54Is it?

00:21:55I mean...

00:21:56Yes.

00:21:57I know it is.

00:21:58Am I naughty?

00:21:59I imagine I'm naughty.

00:22:00Have you been doing anything stressful recently?

00:22:03Yes.

00:22:04I'm the general of the Roman army during a military campaign.

00:22:07And that explains it.

00:22:08Ah.

00:22:09You know what?

00:22:10I think you need me in here with you full time.

00:22:14What was that?

00:22:15Was that a click?

00:22:16Yes, it was.

00:22:17But it was a good click.

00:22:18I clicked it on purpose.

00:22:19I didn't feel like a good click.

00:22:21Well, which one of us is the expert?

00:22:23Excuse me, sir.

00:22:24Sorry to interrupt.

00:22:25What is it, Corporal?

00:22:27I'm busy.

00:22:28The masseur has just arrived from Rome.

00:22:30Yes, I know.

00:22:31Evidently.

00:22:32Ah.

00:22:33Ah.

00:22:34No.

00:22:38This is my masseur.

00:22:39Ergo, this is not my masseur.

00:22:41Who the fuck are you, please?

00:22:43Marcus Gallo?

00:22:44Hi.

00:22:45I'm a legionary in the second.

00:22:46I came to request a transfer, but...

00:22:47You started massaging me?

00:22:48I did, yes.

00:22:49It just felt like the right thing to do.

00:22:51You clicked my neck, you fool.

00:22:53And I'm sorry about that.

00:22:54Even so, I do think I'd be better in a non-combat role all the same.

00:22:56Why in Joves' name did you let him in here, Thaddeus?

00:22:58I thought, well, exactly.

00:22:59He should give me his job.

00:23:00I would never have let me in here.

00:23:01No way.

00:23:02Get out.

00:23:03Yes, sir.

00:23:04Now!

00:23:14Oh, you missed a good one today, Marcus.

00:23:16Yeah, Gordian Tortus' formation, called the Tortus.

00:23:19Does it involve moving very slowly and living to a ripe old age?

00:23:22Because that sounds ideal.

00:23:23Hey.

00:23:24I know you from somewhere.

00:23:25Where do I know you from?

00:23:26No.

00:23:27No, I'm a stranger.

00:23:28Oh, you're Virgil.

00:23:29How do I know this guy?

00:23:30Crown and Targa.

00:23:31In Rahm.

00:23:32Wouldn't save you free drinks.

00:23:33Thank you, Groomia.

00:23:34Yes!

00:23:35That's how I know him.

00:23:36Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:23:37The shirty barman.

00:23:38What are you doing there?

00:23:39You weren't a huge fan of the army, as I recall.

00:23:40Yes.

00:23:41Well, I needed a new vocation after my workplace was mysteriously trashed.

00:23:42Oh, was it really?

00:23:43It was a shame.

00:23:44Shame.

00:23:45Well, the military's no place for a little puss boy like you.

00:23:47You'll be cacking your panties when those barbarians show up.

00:23:49No, I won't.

00:23:50Won't be doing that.

00:23:51I'll be repelling them, if anything.

00:23:52Yeah.

00:23:53We'll just melt them your pants.

00:23:54No.

00:23:55With my acts of valour.

00:23:56Because for your information, I'm thriving here.

00:23:58I'm really impressing and wowing people, actually.

00:23:59Legionary Gallo.

00:24:00Oh, yeah.

00:24:01Oh, yeah.

00:24:02Oh, yeah.

00:24:03Oh, yeah.

00:24:04Oh, yeah.

00:24:05Oh, yeah.

00:24:06Oh, yeah.

00:24:07Oh, yeah.

00:24:08Oh, yeah.

00:24:09Oh, yeah.

00:24:10Oh, yeah.

00:24:11Oh, yeah.

00:24:12Oh, yeah.

00:24:13Oh, yeah.

00:24:14Oh, yeah.

00:24:15Oh, yeah.

00:24:16Oh, yeah.

00:24:17Oh, yeah.

00:24:18Hey, Gallo.

00:24:19I know you missed training today, and I know why, you filthy little bitch.

00:24:23Muster up the unit by the tents in one hour.

00:24:26Kiss it.

00:24:27One hour, fuckknuckle.

00:24:29He seemed impressed, didn't he?

00:24:31Hmm.

00:24:32Oh, yeah.

00:24:33He was well impressed.

00:24:41This afternoon, it was brought to my attention that a member of our unit stole into the general's

00:24:46quarters and assaulted his naked body.

00:24:49Assaulted's a bit strong.

00:24:50Accordingly, there will be a punishment for the entire unit.

00:24:55Oh.

00:24:56So, we shall be doing a dawn patrol, paying a friendly visit to some local villages, making

00:25:01our presence felt.

00:25:03I'll make them feel my presence, all right?

00:25:05Well, yeah.

00:25:06Ask them to, not make them.

00:25:08Romeo.

00:25:09I am promoting you to legionary first class in recognition of your progress.

00:25:13You will carry the eagle on patrol.

00:25:16Can you handle that?

00:25:17Will it pack me, sir?

00:25:18It's made of solid gold.

00:25:19Then I can handle it, sir.

00:25:20Good.

00:25:21I suggest we all get some sleep.

00:25:23We're up at first light.

00:25:24Okay.

00:25:25What are you doing?

00:25:26Well, you're on a bow.

00:25:27What?

00:25:28Obeying orders.

00:25:29Being good.

00:25:30What are you up to?

00:25:31Nothing.

00:25:32He's my commanding officer.

00:25:33He outranks me.

00:25:34So do I.

00:25:35I'm literally your master, and you have never done a thing I've asked you to.

00:25:39Let alone call me sir.

00:25:40Hmm.

00:25:41Odd, that, isn't it?

00:25:42Maybe.

00:25:43It's just a question of respect.

00:25:45If anything, you should be calling me sir now.

00:25:47Okay.

00:25:48Just remember who the boss is here.

00:25:49Hmm.

00:25:50Probably the lad with the solid gold eagle.

00:25:52Oh, what's that?

00:25:53Peace.

00:25:55See me.

00:25:56That's fine.

00:26:13Hmm.

00:26:22Hey, we're going to a village, we'll have a little village, I need to do my duty, let's go and grab some booty.

00:26:42Before we stick it in, let's get their permission.

00:26:47Well, no booty for me, thanks guys. I've got a sweetheart waiting for me back home.

00:26:52Oh, that's nice.

00:26:53Yeah, I keep a picture in my pocket so I can see her every day till we're reunited.

00:26:58Can you not do that, please?

00:26:59Marcus is a bit unlucky in love.

00:27:00It's just making me a bit uncomfortable.

00:27:02We're getting married as soon as I get back.

00:27:04It just feels like tempting fate.

00:27:05There'll be a big party and you'll all be invited.

00:27:08Oh, wicked, cheers.

00:27:09It'll be the happiest day of my life.

00:27:10Shut up, please.

00:27:11Sorry, dude, no offence.

00:27:12It's a lot, dude, he's just wanging on about his sweetheart.

00:27:14Sir, there's something in the trains.

00:27:27Oh, and by the way, sir, I absolutely love my new hat.

00:27:30Shh.

00:27:30Oh, and by the way, sir, there's something in the train.

00:27:46It's an empty!

00:27:50There's two doors!

00:27:51More of us!

00:27:53There's two doors!

00:27:54There's two doors!

00:27:55What?

00:27:56What does that mean?

00:27:57Torture formation!

00:27:57That was the one I missed!

00:27:59Let's go out for the shield!

00:28:02Fuck!

00:28:03I don't like it!

00:28:11I don't like it!

00:28:23Oh, my fucking God!

00:28:27I don't like it!

00:28:29Oh, fuck it!

00:28:33Just me, go!

00:28:42Get out of me!

00:28:43I think that's really allowed, isn't it?

00:28:45Who cares?

00:28:46Fuck me!

00:28:48Okay, fair enough, let's go!

00:28:49Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!

00:29:08Grumio!

00:29:11The barbarians have definitely gone home.

00:29:13Yeah, for now.

00:29:15Go on then.

00:29:19Grumio!

00:29:25Grumio!

00:29:26Grumio, mate!

00:29:28Oh, sorry.

00:29:30Sorry, mate.

00:29:31Who are you saying sorry to?

00:29:32They're dead guys.

00:29:33Keep stepping on them.

00:29:34Ah, sorry, sir.

00:29:38Grumio.

00:29:41Have you found him?

00:29:42No, it's just someone else with a shit haircut.

00:29:45Grumio!

00:29:47Grumio, mate!

00:29:48Grumio, mate!

00:29:49Grumio!

00:29:55Marcus?

00:29:57Huh?

00:29:58Grumio?

00:29:59No.

00:30:00No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Grumio!

00:30:03Grumio, no.

00:30:04No, no, no.

00:30:05Grumio, please don't be dead.

00:30:07Don't be dead, Grumio, don't be dead!

00:30:09I'm sorry.

00:30:10Poor, sweet Grumio!

00:30:11Poor, sweet Grumio!

00:30:12All right, chill out.

00:30:13You're not dead!

00:30:14No, plain dead, aren't I, like I said I would?

00:30:15Bloody hell, Gina!

00:30:16Grumio!

00:30:17Grumio!

00:30:18Grumio!

00:30:19All right, chill out.

00:30:21You're not dead!

00:30:22No, plain dead, aren't I, like I said I would?

00:30:23Bloody hell, Gina!

00:30:24Grumio!

00:30:25Come on, then, get this big bastard off me!

00:30:27Okay, let's get out of here.

00:30:28I'm not loving the vibe!

00:30:29Sorry.

00:30:30He was so still.

00:30:31I totally thought he was a goner.

00:30:32I actually fell asleep for a bit.

00:30:33That barbarian was so cozy.

00:30:36I think Rome's due south, whichever way that is.

00:30:38Okay, cool.

00:30:39I'm on it.

00:30:40I'm on it.

00:30:41I'm on it.

00:30:42I'm on it.

00:30:43I'm on it.

00:30:44I'm on it.

00:30:45I'm on it.

00:30:46I'm on it.

00:30:47I'm on it.

00:30:48I'm on it.

00:30:49I'm on it.

00:30:50I'm on it.

00:30:51I'm on it.

00:30:52I'm on it.

00:30:53I'm on it.

00:30:54I'm on it.

00:30:55Whichever way that is.

00:30:56Okay, cool.

00:30:57I'm on it.

00:30:58Rome?

00:30:59Who cares about Rome?

00:31:00We're going back to camp.

00:31:01Are you kidding me?

00:31:02We're not going back to the army ever again.

00:31:04We're swearing off.

00:31:05If we don't go back now, we're a bunch of shitty deserters.

00:31:08Yeah, well, I think I finally found my ideal role in the army.

00:31:11You lily-livered bastard.

00:31:13I'm sorry, which one of us played dead?

00:31:15As legionary first class, I order you to take me back to camp.

00:31:18And, as your master, I laugh in the face of your orders.

00:31:21Ha!

00:31:22It's up to you, Groomio.

00:31:25You can toddle up back to camp and die in a horrid battle,

00:31:28or you can head south with me and Jason.

00:31:30Which is this way, by the way.

00:31:31Is it?

00:31:32Yeah.

00:31:33How do you know that?

00:31:34Me and my dad used to go camping, right,

00:31:35and we'd always work out the route by the splashing of the rivers,

00:31:37the squawking of the geese.

00:31:39Oh, yeah.

00:31:40Over to you, then.

00:31:41We should get rid of these uniforms, though.

00:31:43With all these barbarians knocking about.

00:31:45I prefer not to look like a Roman soldier.

00:31:47Yeah, good shout.

00:31:48No, me neither.

00:31:49No, me neither.

00:31:50No, me neither.

00:31:51And nor would General Groomio, it seems.

00:31:54I'm gonna put on an iron shirt and chase Satan out of earth.

00:32:09I'm gonna put on an iron shirt and chase the devil out of earth.

00:32:15I'm gonna send him to outer space to find another race.

00:32:22I'm gonna send him to outer space to find another race.

00:32:28They slaughtered every last man in the unit, sir, and took the eagle.

00:32:29What?

00:32:30They took the eagle?

00:32:31That's outrageous.

00:32:32And slaughtered every last man in the unit?

00:32:33Yes, of course, and it's sad.

00:32:34Excuse me, sir.

00:32:35Sorry to interrupt.

00:32:36Aurelius Leifer, bugleman.

00:32:37Just to say, there are three men I can't find among the dead, sir.

00:32:39Names?

00:33:10Oh, you said Gallo.

00:33:11Well, he's the arsehole that buggered my neck.

00:33:13It's because of that charlatan I can no longer turn my head.

00:33:15Look at this.

00:33:16I have to wheel around like a bloody weathervane.

00:33:18He's not in my list of their dead, sir, nor the other two.

00:33:21Hmm, and yet they're not reported back.

00:33:22Ergo, they must be deserters.

00:33:24Well, that makes total sense, sir.

00:33:25They already deserted me as a friend.

00:33:27Optio.

00:33:28Sir.

00:33:29Alert the tracker.

00:33:30If anyone can hunt down these deserters, it's that brooding bastard.

00:33:33Oh, the tracker sounds cool.

00:33:35Oh, he is very cool.

00:33:36Then if I may, sir, I'd like to go too.

00:33:39You see, I know these guys like my own shadow.

00:33:41I've worked with them, eaten with them, slept with them.

00:33:44No, I've slept near them.

00:33:45I haven't had sex with any of them.

00:33:46Yes, yes, very well.

00:33:47You may accompany him.

00:33:48Help bring these treacherous shits to justice.

00:33:50You can count on me, sir.

00:33:52They'll get their just deserts, as deserters.

00:33:55The deserters will get their deserts, sir.

00:33:58And let's find whichever barbarian pig fuckers stole the eagle

00:34:03and raze their village to the ground.

00:34:06And our dead soldiers, sir?

00:34:08Yes, of course.

00:34:09Give them a dignified funeral.

00:34:11But do start with the eagle.

00:34:20Oh, it's chuffing chilli up now, isn't it?

00:34:22Yeah, on reflection, dumping our uniform wasn't the best idea.

00:34:24Hold tight, boys.

00:34:25We'll soon feel the Roman sun on our backs.

00:34:27Oh, in the meantime, we could put on these uniforms down by this tree.

00:34:30Those are our uniforms.

00:34:31Even better, then.

00:34:32No.

00:34:33Much worse.

00:34:34It means you've been walking in a massive circle all day.

00:34:37But I was following the river, and water always goes south.

00:34:40Well, it goes down, yeah.

00:34:41Yeah, exactly.

00:34:42Same thing.

00:34:43Is down the same as south?

00:34:45No, it isn't.

00:34:46No, it's...what?

00:34:47Is it?

00:34:48Huh?

00:34:49Sorry, Jason.

00:34:50What exactly did your dad teach you on these camping trips?

00:34:53Right, well, I was on his shoulders most of the time,

00:34:55so I couldn't always hear what he was saying.

00:34:57And to be fair, we mainly camped in the garden, so...

00:34:59OK, so you never got lost in the garden?

00:35:02Well, no.

00:35:03That's it.

00:35:04Never.

00:35:05Right.

00:35:06Feels like it's time for a lunch break.

00:35:07Let's go and hunt down some scrum.

00:35:08See, my dad would know all about that.

00:35:10Well, I wish we'd brought him instead.

00:35:12Yeah, big time.

00:35:20So tell me, what are they like, these deserters?

00:35:23It's good to know what I'm dealing with.

00:35:25Oh, they're, er...they're mean.

00:35:27Mean?

00:35:28As in, tough?

00:35:30No, sorry, mean as in, er, not very nice.

00:35:33They're rude, basically.

00:35:34Rude?

00:35:35No, I am scared.

00:35:38Rude how?

00:35:39Oh, I mean, where do I start?

00:35:41So one of them, Marcus, I met while working as a waterman

00:35:44at Rome's third largest grain supply company.

00:35:47He and his buddy Stylaks were constantly calling me names,

00:35:50sneaking stuff into my jug, undermining me, basically.

00:35:53Probably payback because I'd smooched this Briton he fancied.

00:35:55Not my fault, she couldn't give hands off me.

00:35:57There's only human.

00:35:58Then, when Stylaks got squashed by a slab of marble,

00:36:01I thought Marcus would go easy.

00:36:02But then Jason comes in, and actually, if anything,

00:36:04things got even worse.

00:36:05Then Jason is...

00:36:06Another deserter, and total scumbag.

00:36:08No sooner had I met him,

00:36:10than he was making me hide the corpse

00:36:11of a well-known restaurant critic.

00:36:13Then he sabotaged me in the Rome Marathon,

00:36:15made me eat my own poo, ruined my career as an escort...

00:36:18Hold on. You ate your own shit.

00:36:20Yes, because I'd lost a bet, you see.

00:36:22But he didn't need to make me go through with it.

00:36:24This is what I'm talking about.

00:36:25They're mean guys.

00:36:26Don't even get me started on the little one.

00:36:30He looks exactly like a mushroom.

00:36:32He once ate a crab, as though it was a pie.

00:36:35Just picked it up, like it was a pie.

00:36:37Bit it.

00:36:38Hurt his tooth, of course he did.

00:36:39It's a crab.

00:36:48Hey!

00:36:49I found an apple.

00:36:50Sweet. Get here then.

00:36:51No, no, no, stop.

00:36:52We've got to share it, obviously.

00:36:53Fine, we'll take bites in turns.

00:36:54No, no, no, Groomio.

00:36:55You'll need it all in one, then we're none there for us.

00:36:57Yeah, we should slice it up evenly.

00:36:58How?

00:36:59We haven't got a knife.

00:37:00We've got swords.

00:37:01Oh, yeah.

00:37:02I forgot about this.

00:37:03Probably should have used this in the ambush.

00:37:05Oh, well.

00:37:06Too late now.

00:37:07Stab don't, spy!

00:37:09Don't you start with that!

00:37:10Barbarians, get down!

00:37:12Okay.

00:37:13Everyone quiet and still.

00:37:14What the fuck are you doing?

00:37:15I'm starving.

00:37:16I've had my chances.

00:37:17Stop it!

00:37:18It's too crunchy.

00:37:19Fine.

00:37:20I'll lick it like a lot, mate.

00:37:21It's too...

00:37:22Turn your eyes gross.

00:37:23Okay.

00:37:24I think they're going.

00:37:25No thanks to this greedy goon.

00:37:26Are we looking the size of that bike?

00:37:27That's well out of order.

00:37:28Oh, good.

00:37:29So it's anarchy now, is it?

00:37:30I wondered how long that would take.

00:37:32Yeah.

00:37:33Oh, I'm starving.

00:37:34I've had my chances.

00:37:35Stop it!

00:37:36It's too crunchy!

00:37:37Fine.

00:37:38I'll lick it like a lot, mate.

00:37:39Don't you?

00:37:40That's gross.

00:37:41Oh.

00:37:42Okay.

00:37:43I think they're going.

00:37:44Oh.

00:37:45Oh.

00:37:46No thanks to this greedy goon.

00:37:49Are we looking the size of that bike?

00:37:50That's well out of order!

00:37:52Oh, good.

00:37:53So it's anarchy now, is it?

00:37:55I wondered how long that would take.

00:37:56take he posed as a child doing a school boxing competition he fingered a lion he killed genuinely

00:38:05killed a renowned theatre director who took a baby from the bins shut the fuck up a second

00:38:09whoa what is it apple core only just starting to brown they were here not long ago what how do you

00:38:24know it was them these are strong Roman tooth marks dentistry not so good around here Wow this is cool

00:38:32you sir are very cool and you know it is so nice to hang out with someone as intelligent as I am

00:38:38honestly those thicker losers could be so annoying we're not hanging out you're just tagging along in

00:38:44silence from now on if it's up to me I'll be working alone okay but I haven't even told you

00:38:51about the time Marcus's dad stabbed me in the shoulder and I'll stab you in the fucking neck

00:38:55if I have to hear another one of your idiotic stories understand me beauty boy but pretty man

00:39:03stupid midges they don't know what they're up against I've actually decided not to light a fire

00:39:23because it might alert the enemy to our location and also because you can't and that yeah oh god this is

00:39:29I knew that this is really not where I thought I'd be on the brink of turning 30 oh come on it's not so

00:39:34bad but if you forget about the whole war thing and the fact that we're totally lost it's great like

00:39:40the three of us throwing down having a giggle surrounded by nature I guess it is pretty peaceful

00:39:46yeah oh for fuck sake room yo you were surrounded by nature well I'm knackered I'm gonna crash okay

00:39:53but we need someone on guard duty at all times we sleep in shifts okay whatever happens one of

00:39:58us has to be awake right you are no probes wakey wakey dirtbags that was your morning bugle look at

00:40:22you three spooning away it's quite sweet actually what are you doing here please say you're not still

00:40:28following us well I am yes but officially this time I'm a tracker and we're the tracking team no we're

00:40:34not we're not a team and he's not a tracker in any way but I am and I'm here to arrest you for

00:40:40desertion you to be taken back to camp or you'll be crucified let's go quietly now

00:40:49I can't believe you're getting us executed you knob not a knob actually because I didn't know that

00:41:08was the punishment I thought it would just be a ticking off or a light flogging still makes you a

00:41:13knob yeah a complete knob stop whining if you don't want to die I don't desert simple as that

00:41:18great advice we'll bear that in mind for next time shall we I didn't desert by the way I were fast

00:41:23into it by my master here okay so as soon as there's a price to pay I'm in charge of our

00:41:28basically kidnap of course and are you gonna mention playing dead didn't force into that did I

00:41:33I fell asleep I'm I thought them barbarians were such cozy clubber shut up or I'm very happy to bring

00:41:40the execution forward a few hours

00:41:42no no no no you don't love me and I know now

00:41:55so it's grilled badger for lunch what badger I'm not eating that oh I'll have this then I'd eat a badger's

00:42:24badger out now I'm so hungry you're so weird wait really oh really oh really oh dealio I'm not gonna

00:42:32help you escape please we're gonna die we're all gonna die eventually don't be a dick just set us free

00:42:38no way I'm getting big trubs not if you come with us it'll be an adventure

00:42:42there's a lot of dudes best bros forever hmm we weren't exactly best bros when I wanted to share

00:42:48your tent as I recall oh yeah but we couldn't share with you because if we wanted to bring

00:42:54girls back I could have scooched over oh they wouldn't be interested in us if you were there

00:42:59think about it but the truth is it's not easy being mate for you dude like having this buff brainy

00:43:06legend around all the time making us feel like losers you can't blame us for wanting to step out

00:43:11your shadow sometimes it's cold in there right guys I mean completely show I whatever

00:43:17god you must think I'm such a fool not seeing how insecure I was making you feel

00:43:24maybe I am buff and brainy sure but I'm also blind and a bad friend

00:43:29well never again guys you have my word best bros forever oh may what a ballon oh uh can we do

00:43:38this after we've got the badger okay shit I think he's not to us what's going on over there no no

00:43:43nothing all good

00:43:44shit

00:43:49shit

00:44:01shit

00:44:03shit

00:44:09shit

00:44:10shit

00:44:12shit

00:44:13shit

00:44:14shit

00:44:14This way.

00:44:44Come on.

00:45:14Fucking little!

00:45:22Come on, boys.

00:45:44Well, it's stupid now.

00:45:47That's me stupid.

00:45:49No, stupid, I'm not...

00:45:54No.

00:45:57Stop!

00:46:06You won't get away.

00:46:08Wherever you run, wherever you hide,

00:46:10no matter how long it takes,

00:46:12the shadow of justice will haunt you until I'll fucking get gone.

00:46:19We lost him!

00:46:33We bloody lost him!

00:46:35Ridiculous!

00:46:36Weirdly, I don't appear to be dead!

00:46:38Bonus!

00:46:40Guys, I actually got hit.

00:46:42Is it?

00:46:44Where?

00:46:46Whoa!

00:46:48Oh, what is it?

00:46:48Is it bad?

00:46:49Not ideal, yeah?

00:46:50You've got an arrow in your arse!

00:46:51Huh?

00:46:52Well, pull it out then!

00:46:54Oh, God, really?

00:46:55Are you okay?

00:46:57Don't pick your nose, Grubio!

00:47:00I'm hungry.

00:47:01That's even worse.

00:47:02I mean, where's the keys for these chains?

00:47:04Maybe in my man bag, if they didn't fall out in the kerfuffle.

00:47:09All right, here we go.

00:47:10Brace yourself, yeah?

00:47:11Yeah.

00:47:12Okay, great.

00:47:12No keys.

00:47:13No.

00:47:13There is a soggy mask.

00:47:15Is it?

00:47:15Okay, it's coming!

00:47:16It's coming!

00:47:17It's coming!

00:47:18Ooh!

00:47:19Oh!

00:47:20Is it out, then?

00:47:21Uh...

00:47:22Yeah.

00:47:23Like, most of it.

00:47:24Most of it?

00:47:25What do you mean?

00:47:28You just pulled out of the shaft and left the head inside my arse!

00:47:31Where?

00:47:31It's not funny, actually!

00:47:33I wouldn't go very far with a skewered buttock.

00:47:35Luckily, you might not have to, because if this is that river, then we're only, like, a day's walk from the Roman border.

00:47:41Ah, nice!

00:47:42See, all rivers do lead south.

00:47:44On this occasion, yes, they do.

00:47:46Right!

00:47:47Let's crack on!

00:47:48Ow!

00:47:48Rome, here we come!

00:47:49Oh, God!

00:47:52Can we crack on quite slowly, please?

00:47:54The sun is shining, the weather is sweet here

00:48:00Oh, Joe. I can't feel my bum. Could you feel it before?

00:48:06Um, not sure, actually.

00:48:08Stop going on about, you numb bum, you drama queen, you're fine.

00:48:13Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. Come on, mate, we need to keep moving.

00:48:28I can't do it. I can't go on.

00:48:30Okay, cool. So we'll leave him here, because he's dead weight, isn't he?

00:48:33That is not an awful idea, actually.

00:48:34What? No, wait, you can't leave me. We're a team. The deserter dudes.

00:48:38Hey, I didn't desert. I fell asleep.

00:48:40Best bros forever, you said.

00:48:41Yeah, well, that's when we needed your help.

00:48:43All right, fair amount's changed since then.

00:48:44You can't leave me here to be feasted upon by bears and ants.

00:48:48Hey, he's got a point, hasn't he? Because we could always eat him.

00:48:51Do not eat me!

00:48:52For one thing, I'd be very tough sinewy meat

00:48:55owing to my high muscle to fat ratio.

00:48:57Look, why don't Groomer and I go for help while you stay with Aurelius?

00:49:00Holy Jove! Why have you forsaken me?

00:49:04Right, or I go for help, and you two stay with Aurelius.

00:49:07I'm not staying here with that twat.

00:49:09What are you talking about, best bros?

00:49:10Just coming up with a plan, bro.

00:49:12Okay, right, let's do Papyrus Scissor Stone,

00:49:14and the loser has to stay with Aurelius.

00:49:16Well, you don't need to play. We come as a two.

00:49:18I'll play for us, then. Scissor always wins.

00:49:20And that fundamental misunderstanding of the game

00:49:22is exactly why I'll be playing for us.

00:49:24I think I'm dying, guys.

00:49:25Right, here we go.

00:49:26Papyrus. Scissors. Stone. Stone.

00:49:28Scissors.

00:49:29Ha! Bash, bash, bash.

00:49:31Never listen to Groomio, you moron.

00:49:33Hang in there, Aurelius.

00:49:34Jason will look after you.

00:49:35Okay.

00:49:36Jase, will you sing to me, please, bud?

00:49:39Don't be long, all right?

00:49:41Jase?

00:49:42Yeah, I'm coming.

00:49:43I mean, can Newmans eat plants?

00:49:44What?

00:49:45Yeah, of course they can.

00:49:46Fine, then.

00:49:47Not any plants.

00:49:48I meant spinach, for example. You can't just eat that.

00:49:49Oh, bloody hell, nature, you confusing bastard.

00:49:50Can we keep going, please, and not get distracted?

00:49:52Shit, they're bad, it's a chicken.

00:49:53What?

00:49:54Where?

00:49:55There you are.

00:49:56Right, I'm having you, lad.

00:49:57And then what?

00:49:58Oh, bloody hell, nature, you confusing bastard.

00:49:59Can we keep going, please, and not get distracted?

00:50:00Shit, they're bad, it's a chicken.

00:50:01What?

00:50:02Where?

00:50:03There you are.

00:50:04Right, I'm having you, lad.

00:50:05And then what?

00:50:06We can't cook it.

00:50:07I'll have it raw, then.

00:50:08I only join the army for the free chicken, anyway.

00:50:10Croom, we're meant to be getting help.

00:50:11Do not come between me and a chicken, Marcus.

00:50:13I am warning you.

00:50:14Oh, yeah, of course they can.

00:50:15Yeah, of course they can.

00:50:16Fine, then.

00:50:17Not any plants.

00:50:18I meant spinach, for example.

00:50:19You can't just eat that.

00:50:20Oh, bloody hell, nature, you confusing bastard.

00:50:21Can we keep going, please, and not get distracted?

00:50:22Shit, they're bad, it's a chicken.

00:50:23What?

00:50:24Where?

00:50:25See ya.

00:50:26Right, I'm having you, lad.

00:50:27And then what?

00:50:28We can't cook it.

00:50:29I'll have it raw, then.

00:50:30I only joined the army for the free chicken, anyway.

00:50:31Do not come between me and a chicken, Marcus.

00:50:33I am warning you.

00:50:37Go on, then.

00:50:38Be quick.

00:50:39One quick grab-a-roo, and it is tea time for me time.

00:50:44Make that two quick grab-a-roos.

00:50:54Right, well, that's at least 30.

00:50:56Three more grab-a-roos, and we're giving off, OK?

00:50:58Fine, just don't rush me.

00:51:01One.

00:51:02Two.

00:51:03Last one, right?

00:51:04No, just shh.

00:51:05Come on, son.

00:51:06This is the one.

00:51:07Ah!

00:51:08Ah!

00:51:09Yes!

00:51:10Ah!

00:51:11I got it!

00:51:12Oh, my God, you did it!

00:51:13Yes!

00:51:14Ah!

00:51:15I got the chicken!

00:51:16Ah!

00:51:17Ah!

00:51:18Ah!

00:51:19Yes!

00:51:20Ah!

00:51:21Ah!

00:51:22Ah!

00:51:23Ah!

00:51:24Ah!

00:51:25I got it!

00:51:26Ah!

00:51:27Ah!

00:51:28Ah!

00:51:29Ah!

00:51:30Ah!

00:51:31Ah!

00:51:32Ah!

00:51:33Ah!

00:51:34Ah!

00:51:35Ah!

00:51:36Ah!

00:51:37Ah!

00:51:38Ah!

00:51:39Ah!

00:51:40Ah!

00:51:42Ah!

00:51:43Ah!

00:51:44Hi!

00:51:46Ah!

00:51:47Ah!

00:51:48Ah!

00:51:49Ah!

00:51:50Ah!

00:51:51Ah!

00:51:52The shepherd who settles down to sleep

00:51:56Because he is so knackered from fucking all the shit

00:52:02No, no, I don't want the rude version

00:52:03And you know the rude version

00:52:05That's not exactly going to soothe me, is it?

00:52:06Thinking about bestiality

00:52:08How's my bum looking?

00:52:12Ah!

00:52:13Okay, um, don't panic

00:52:15Yeah

00:52:15Right, it's probably nothing

00:52:16Okay

00:52:16But it's gone a bit green

00:52:17Green?

00:52:18Yeah

00:52:18How's that nothing?

00:52:20Bums shouldn't be green

00:52:21Oh, it must be infected

00:52:22Oh, what did I say?

00:52:23Don't panic

00:52:24The boys will be back in a bit, alright?

00:52:25Shushy bears

00:52:26They won't

00:52:26They've left us

00:52:27We're all alone

00:52:29And green

00:52:30He wakes up in the morning

00:52:32Kiss me

00:52:32Whoa, what?

00:52:34Please kiss me

00:52:35I just want to feel some human tenderness before I die

00:52:37No

00:52:38Right, and not just because I don't want to

00:52:40Because you are not going to die

00:52:41Right, no one dies from green bum

00:52:43Of course they do

00:52:44Bum rot

00:52:44I've got bum rot

00:52:46Look, tell my family

00:52:48That they were proud of me

00:52:50What?

00:52:50Actually, no

00:52:51Tell them to never look under my bed

00:52:53You tell them yourself when you get back to Rome, okay?

00:52:55What's under your bed?

00:52:56Oh, you're a good bug, buddy

00:52:58But it's too late

00:52:59I can feel death's icy grip on my arse

00:53:02No

00:53:02Oh, no

00:53:03No, you don't

00:53:05Marker!

00:53:06Grumio!

00:53:07Come on

00:53:08Where are you?

00:53:12Right, come on

00:53:13Oh, what are you doing?

00:53:16Saving your fucking life, boy

00:53:18Oh, you're a Roman scum!

00:53:36So gone, you little shates

00:53:37Let's not make it worse for ourselves

00:53:38No, it's just banter

00:53:39Okay, that's fairly intense banter

00:53:42Just kill me

00:53:54Please

00:53:55Just put me out of my misery

00:53:56I'd rather not, mate

00:53:57I'm not even sure I'd know how to

00:53:58Just push me off of something tall

00:54:01Or sit on my face

00:54:02And block my airwaves

00:54:03Couldn't I just use my hands?

00:54:06Yes, you could, actually

00:54:08I don't mind

00:54:09I suggested the sifting method

00:54:11I think I must be furious

00:54:12Oh, argh

00:54:14Oh

00:54:16I can hear my mother calling me to dinner

00:54:18I'm coming, mummy

00:54:20I can smell the wood burning on the stove

00:54:23And on, so can I

00:54:26Look

00:54:28There

00:54:29Huh?

00:54:30Huh?

00:54:32Huh?

00:54:33Huh?

00:54:34Huh?

00:54:35Huh?

00:54:36Huh?

00:54:37Huh?

00:54:38Get in!

00:54:39We're saved!

00:54:40Well, unless they're Rome-hating savages who want to kill us

00:54:43Oh, yeah

00:54:44Oh, I forgot about that

00:54:45Oh

00:54:46Okay

00:54:47You on your own

00:54:48Ah!

00:54:49Good luck

00:54:50Arrgh!

00:54:51You bastard!

00:54:52Hello?

00:54:53Urgh

00:54:54Man!

00:54:55There is a man!

00:54:56He needs help!

00:54:58Ursula Fetchwater

00:55:00Cleo Amara Zamfi

00:55:01Help me take him inside

00:55:03Okay

00:55:04Hi

00:55:05Hi

00:55:06Hi

00:55:07There's actually two men

00:55:08I also need help

00:55:09Hi

00:55:10There's actually two men

00:55:11There's actually two men

00:55:12I also need help

00:55:13Oh, come off eight

00:55:14Oh, come off eight

00:55:20So, first of all

00:55:22Hello

00:55:23Or as you might say

00:55:24Salve

00:55:25Ah

00:55:26Hello

00:55:27My name is Segamundus

00:55:29I am spokesman of the Carpi Council of Elders

00:55:32And I presume from your uniforms and proximity to our gates that you are Roman spies

00:55:38Sent out to rescue your precious bird

00:55:40No doubt

00:55:41Me eagle

00:55:42Give me back me eagle at once

00:55:43And me chicken in our way, that's it

00:55:45Groomy, I don't

00:55:46We honestly couldn't care less about the eagle

00:55:47We're not even Roman soldiers, really

00:55:49No, no

00:55:50So what is this then?

00:55:51On your way to a fancy dress party, perhaps

00:55:54No, no

00:55:56We were soldiers, obviously

00:55:57But we're not now

00:55:58Is my point

00:55:59We deserted, you see

00:56:00I didn't, I fell asleep

00:56:01Yeah, well

00:56:02Just let me do the talking

00:56:03We didn't even want to join this war

00:56:04I did

00:56:05To give you a lot of spanking for invading our empire

00:56:06Groomy

00:56:07Just shut up

00:56:08There was no invasion, that was fake news

00:56:10A pretext for you to steal our bauxite

00:56:13Bauxite?

00:56:14What the fuck is bauxite?

00:56:15I think it's a naturally occurring, I want to say metal?

00:56:17It is a sedimentary rock with high aluminum contents

00:56:21We have a number of large and very valuable quarries that you people have lusted after for some time now

00:56:26Hmm, that does make sense

00:56:27I always thought there was some shady, mercenary motive behind all this

00:56:31Romans are far sneakier than barbarians in my opinion

00:56:35We do not like the term barbarian

00:56:37It's a reductive label which homogenizes an array of diverse communities and their unique identities

00:56:43We call ourselves the Carby tribe

00:56:46Yes, of course

00:56:47I'm so sorry

00:56:48I'm so sorry for being so insensitive

00:56:50Not at all, no

00:56:51Think of this as a teachable moment

00:56:52I will

00:56:53Cross-cultural exchange is fundamental to progress

00:56:55We don't learn anything if we live in a bubble

00:56:57Indeed

00:56:58And so that we can share this knowledge with our countrymen, we'd love to be on our way

00:57:02Yes, I'm sure you would

00:57:03But there's also one little thing you should learn about the Carby

00:57:07It's what we do to our captives

00:57:09Oh, aye, yeah

00:57:10What do you do?

00:57:11We take them for a tour?

00:57:12No, we disembowel them in honor of our great god, Salmoxes

00:57:15Oh, shit

00:57:17The ceremony will take place tomorrow evening before the entire village

00:57:21Yeah

00:57:22Yeah

00:57:23Oh

00:57:24Apparently the arrow went very deep because his bottom is so soft and womanly

00:57:32Yeah, totally

00:57:33Well, not like mine

00:57:34My buns are rock hard

00:57:36Arrow would have just pinged off probably

00:57:38He may stay until he recovers

00:57:40Cool

00:57:41Right, and what about?

00:57:42You may not

00:57:43Yeah

00:57:44Aside from emergencies, there are no men in the village

00:57:46Oh, really?

00:57:47I didn't even notice that

00:57:49What's that about them?

00:57:51Our menfolk all left to fight another tribe some years ago and never returned

00:57:56No

00:57:57That's so sad

00:57:59Oh

00:58:00It was sad

00:58:01But we adapted

00:58:03We trade spices with our neighbours

00:58:05We are skilled in combat

00:58:07We no longer need men

00:58:09Come on

00:58:10Surely you need a bloke sometimes to like, you know, open a jar

00:58:14Or like get something from a higher shelf, you know, like a jar

00:58:16Or to put the shelf up, to put the jars on

00:58:18Amazingly we handle old jar related tasks ourselves

00:58:22Okay

00:58:24I guess it's another night in the forest for me then

00:58:28I hope the wolves have had their tea

00:58:30We do have one other use for men

00:58:35Oh

00:58:36Occasionally we may keep one as a concubine

00:58:41A what?

00:58:42A concubine?

00:58:43What's that?

00:58:44Like a hedgehog?

00:58:45Not quite

00:58:47No

00:58:52I'm Jason by the way

00:58:55Silence!

00:58:56You have no name now

00:58:57You are here for sexual congress, Roman

00:59:00That's all

00:59:01Okay, cool

00:59:02I can do that

00:59:05Oh

00:59:06That's better, thank you

00:59:07Now tie them to the post please, Romacatus

00:59:10Okay, great

00:59:11Just to be safe

00:59:12So that you don't

00:59:14Sneak off

00:59:15How is that?

00:59:16Not too tight, I hope

00:59:17No, no, you're grand

00:59:18It's a nice soft rope, actually

00:59:20Yes, it's made from angora wool

00:59:23We copy our famous for civilised treatment of prisoners

00:59:26Yeah, you are disembowelling us

00:59:28Yes, before execution, I mean

00:59:30Yes, it's enshrined in our constitution that we offer our captives a final meal of their juicing, for example

00:59:36Oh, aye

00:59:37How many casas?

00:59:38One

00:59:39One?

00:59:40Co-self civilised

00:59:41May I take your order?

00:59:43Well, doesn't really matter, does it?

00:59:44Not gonna get to digest it

00:59:45Just...

00:59:46Give me a Nick sandwich

00:59:47Is that on white, brown or seeded?

00:59:49Brown's fine

00:59:51I'll take a lobster bisque

00:59:54Of course you will

00:59:55I'm going out in style, son

00:59:56Very well

00:59:57One egg sandwich on brown and one lobster

01:00:00Bisque

01:00:03I'll speak to the chef and you prepare the altar

01:00:06Egg sandwich

01:00:08And brown bread for your final meal

01:00:11When they open up them bowels you should be seeing more than some shitty sandwich

01:00:15Unlike you, Grumio, I've got more of my mind than just food right now

01:00:19In fact, it was you chasing that chicken that got us in this fucking mess

01:00:22You didn't have to come with me

01:00:23But we were chained together

01:00:24You dragged me along

01:00:26Which pretty much sums up our entire relationship

01:00:29I know, right? You've been holding me back for years

01:00:31What, holding you back?

01:00:32It's not about you, Grumio, you're my slave

01:00:35Don't remind me, I wish I weren't, I'd have ditched you yonks ago

01:00:38And I wish my parents had left you on that bloody hillside

01:00:40Yeah? You and me both

01:00:42Ordinarily, I would storm off at this point

01:00:47But being as I can't, I am going to sit down

01:01:01Roman scum!

01:01:12Mmmm

01:01:17Knock, knock! How's the patient doing?

01:01:21Much better, thank you

01:01:35Really? You sure?

01:01:37You still look well peaky.

01:01:39Like that, I'm ready and raring, mate.

01:01:41Nah, look, listen, you rest up just a few more days,

01:01:43I don't want to risk getting another green bum.

01:01:45But we need to go and find Marcus and Groomia.

01:01:47Our best bros. Forever.

01:01:49Do we, though? I mean, they're probably fine.

01:01:51They're handy, guys.

01:01:53You just don't want to leave because we've found a tribe full of women.

01:01:58Well, yes, obviously.

01:02:00But this is like our dream situation.

01:02:02Not really. None of them fancy me.

01:02:04Oh, come on. One of them will.

01:02:06A bit, maybe. There's like 50 of them.

01:02:08That's not enough.

01:02:10The odds are still stacked against me. I need more.

01:02:12What about the old one?

01:02:13I've not met an old one.

01:02:14Well, that's because you've been cooped up in here.

01:02:16You need to get out there, make an effort.

01:02:18You are the second hottest guy in this village.

01:02:20Fuck it.

01:02:28Hello, again.

01:02:30So I talked to the chef and he can't get you lobster

01:02:34because it's Sunday.

01:02:36And as we are in the heat of July, he likes the seafood to be fresh.

01:02:39As do I. I'm happy to wait.

01:02:41Yes, but we are not, I'm afraid.

01:02:43The sacrifice is this evening, so you have to shoot something else.

01:02:46I've already chosen the bisque.

01:02:48The chef has an excellent, comfy duck.

01:02:50Can't give a shit, mate.

01:02:52My lobster bisque is enshrined in your constitution, you said.

01:02:55Or are you carping not civilised after all?

01:02:57Ah, which Sunday in July is it out of interest?

01:03:01It is the 21st. Why do you ask?

01:03:03My birthday's the 22nd.

01:03:05Oh.

01:03:06I'm, er...

01:03:07Gonna be 30 tomorrow.

01:03:08Many happy returns.

01:03:09Thanks.

01:03:10But I'm afraid you won't.

01:03:11Oh.

01:03:12The chef has no problem with your egg sandwich.

01:03:14You will still be sacrificed this evening.

01:03:16Oh, come on, mate.

01:03:17He'll have the bisque as well.

01:03:18He's changed his mind, haven't you?

01:03:19Yes.

01:03:20I have.

01:03:22On reflection, I'd also like to go out in style.

01:03:27Fine.

01:03:29You have one more day.

01:03:32Huh.

01:03:33Bloody hell.

01:03:34I can't believe that worked.

01:03:35Cheers, Kumya.

01:03:36I guess your lifelong obsession with food does have its uses after all.

01:03:39Well, let's just try and give you a birthday to remember.

01:03:42Oh, then come in.

01:03:43Ha!

01:03:44Ha!

01:03:45Ha!

01:03:46Miss me!

01:03:47In your face, fuckhead!

01:03:48You little barbarian bastard!

01:03:49Ha!

01:03:50Ha!

01:03:51Ha!

01:03:52Ha!

01:03:53Ha!

01:03:54Ha!

01:03:55Ha!

01:03:56Ha!

01:03:57Ha!

01:03:58Ha!

01:03:59Ha!

01:04:00Ha!

01:04:01Ha!

01:04:02Ha!

01:04:03Ha!

01:04:04Perform my duty.

01:04:05My lady.

01:04:06Do you want me to F off as per or...?

01:04:09No.

01:04:10No.

01:04:11You can stay this time, Jason.

01:04:13I wish to hold you for a while.

01:04:15What, like a cuddle?

01:04:16No, nothing like a cuddle.

01:04:17Just a hold.

01:04:19Oh, okay.

01:04:20Got it.

01:04:21Did you just call me Jason?

01:04:23Yeah, I did.

01:04:24What of it?

01:04:25You may call me Barbara Nelde if you wish.

01:04:29Okay.

01:04:30Sure.

01:04:31Yeah.

01:04:32Barbara...

01:04:33It's a bit of a mouthful, isn't it?

01:04:34It's beautiful.

01:04:35Don't get me wrong, but...

01:04:36What if I shortened it, er...

01:04:38Barbie?

01:04:39Or Babs?

01:04:40No, not Barbie.

01:04:41Oh.

01:04:42But I don't hate Babs.

01:04:45Here's a cuddle then, Babs.

01:04:47Ahem.

01:04:48Back in your corner, Roman.

01:04:49Yes, Boz.

01:04:50News, my lady, which may concern your concubine.

01:04:52Whilst selling pepper to the carpi, we saw two Roman prisoners.

01:04:54They're being prepared for sacrifice.

01:04:55What do they look like?

01:04:56One had a big nose, and the other resembled a tiny button mushroom.

01:05:00I actually play the bugle and the lute, so I'm highly skilled with my fingers and my tongue, if you know what I'm saying.

01:05:15Arrhenius!

01:05:16You do.

01:05:17I love the feathers.

01:05:18Arrhenius!

01:05:19By the way, er...

01:05:20Um, sorry, one second, babe.

01:05:21What?

01:05:22Marcus and Grunia have been taken prisoner, like, we need to bust a move.

01:05:24I mean, do we, though?

01:05:25What?

01:05:26Well, they're handy, guys.

01:05:27And, you know, you were right, actually.

01:05:28My bum's still not 100%, so I should probably just stay here.

01:05:31Oh, you're getting some heat off the old deer, are you?

01:05:33Her name's Zena, and, yes, I am.

01:05:34Major.

01:05:35Major.

01:05:36Major.

01:05:37Major.

01:05:38Major.

01:05:39Major.

01:05:40Major.

01:05:41Major.

01:05:42Major.

01:05:43Major.

01:05:44Major.

01:05:45Major.

01:05:46Major.

01:05:47Major.

01:05:48Major.

01:05:49Yeah, but, mate, they'll be gutted.

01:05:50I don't just mean disappointed, I mean actually gutted.

01:05:51Like, in the guts.

01:05:52Come on, Aurelius.

01:05:53They need us.

01:05:54You're cock-blocking again!

01:05:55Fine,

01:05:58She'd only have hump me and dunk me.

01:05:59Yeah, definitely.

01:06:02Right, come on, let's get tooled up.

01:06:18Oh, mate, the beard's got to go.

01:06:37No can do, bro.

01:06:38It's the source of my strength, our secret weapon.

01:06:40All right, well, in that case, keep it a secret, all right?

01:06:43All right.

01:06:45Good luck, Roman.

01:06:46Oh, thank you.

01:06:49And, like, thanks for having me, in every sense.

01:06:54I'll miss you, Babs.

01:06:56As will I.

01:06:57Your enthusiasm for the work was admirable.

01:07:02Well, look, it was my pleasure.

01:07:04It was the best job I've ever had, honestly.

01:07:14Take care now.

01:07:16Okay, yeah.

01:07:19Bye, then.

01:07:20Happy birthday, Toyo.

01:07:36Happy birthday, Toyo.

01:07:38Happy birthday, Marcus.

01:07:42Happy birthday.

01:07:42Indeed.

01:07:44Happy birthday to you.

01:07:46And also happy death day to you.

01:07:48Both.

01:07:51Hang on, mate.

01:07:52Where's the tarragon?

01:07:53You can't have a beast without tarragon.

01:07:55That is savage.

01:07:56He is right.

01:07:57You'll have to kill us tomorrow.

01:07:58No!

01:07:58No, no tarragon.

01:08:00No more stalling.

01:08:01You eat, then you die.

01:08:06Oh, oh.

01:08:07Tarragon or not, this chef has played a blinder.

01:08:09Hmm.

01:08:10Hmm.

01:08:11Oh.

01:08:11We should probably eat a bit slower, though.

01:08:16The sooner we finish, the sooner we die, remember?

01:08:17I'll try, Marcus, but it's all bloody tasty.

01:08:20Hmm.

01:08:27You know, even though we are being executed later, I've had way worse birthdays than this.

01:08:31Tell me about it.

01:08:33Remember when your parents got you that creepy clown?

01:08:35How could I not?

01:08:36I sat in his lap for three hours.

01:08:37Ha, ha, ha.

01:08:39Grimio, please, slow down.

01:08:41Ah, fuck me, this is torture.

01:08:43Good job.

01:08:56Stop.

01:09:03Hi.

01:09:04Hi.

01:09:05Can we come in, please?

01:09:09What's in the cramp?

01:09:10Oh, just a bit of pepper, handsome.

01:09:13We could all use some spice in our lives, eh?

01:09:23Okay.

01:09:24You can go in.

01:09:27Where the fuck did that come from?

01:09:28I don't know.

01:09:29I have no idea.

01:09:40Well, hang on.

01:09:41You can't just leave it like that.

01:09:42That's terrible parking.

01:09:43Wait, we're women.

01:09:44Think about it.

01:09:45Oh, yes.

01:09:46Clever.

01:09:47I mean, deeply sexist, but still.

01:09:49Okay, why?

01:09:50We'll have a nosy round, find out where they're holding them, and we'll come back for the blades.

01:09:56Stop.

01:09:56I want to buy some pepper.

01:10:00Oh, yeah, come on.

01:10:03Yeah, so, uh, how much for one sec, please?

01:10:06Um, well, how much do you usually pay?

01:10:08So, uh, sometimes six croban, uh, you know, sometimes seven.

01:10:11Six croban's is fine.

01:10:13Ah, great, Anne.

01:10:14Oh, can you girls break a twenty?

01:10:17Uh, I'll tell you what, you can have it for free.

01:10:19We're doing a little promotion.

01:10:20No, really?

01:10:21Thank you, generous and beautiful.

01:10:24What next?

01:10:24Stop it.

01:10:25Oh, no, no, no, come here, I'll help.

01:10:28I can't, no, I can't have a lady hauling a heavy sack for me.

01:10:31It's fine, you're quite old.

01:10:32No, no, really, I insist.

01:10:34Mate, let go!

01:10:39Where's your cut full of swords?

01:10:40Ah!

01:10:41Oh.

01:10:42God!

01:10:44We're in your fur on!

01:10:45Oh, hang on, let's have a bit of sneeze.

01:10:49Oh, forget it.

01:10:51Ah!

01:10:51Hey, mate, have you got any bread to mop up the dregs?

01:10:56No, your meal is over and you will now be sacrificed along with these two.

01:11:00Oh, God, really?

01:11:01You're right, boys.

01:11:02All right, Jase, it's not so bad you get to choose your last meal.

01:11:05No, no, that rule was removed from our constitution.

01:11:08It was sadly open to abuse.

01:11:15What are you doing here?

01:11:17And, like, that?

01:11:18Well, we came to save you, didn't we?

01:11:19Ah, wicked, cheers.

01:11:20Yes, I mean, we failed, obviously.

01:11:22Well, it's thought that counts, isn't it?

01:11:24Hey, it's his 30th birthday, by the way.

01:11:26Oh, sweet.

01:11:27Well, happy birthday.

01:11:28Yeah, cheers.

01:11:29Glad you could make it.

01:11:31Happy birthday to you.

01:11:33Happy birthday to you.

01:11:35He did it.

01:12:01Mighty Salmoxis, we humbly offer you this sacrifice today.

01:12:12Which of you would like her to go first?

01:12:14Oh, bloody hell.

01:12:16I don't much fancy seeing your lot's innards, but I don't want to cop it first, neither.

01:12:19Yeah, sort of lose-lose, really, innit?

01:12:21I'll do it.

01:12:21I'll go first.

01:12:22I'm the oldest.

01:12:22You're not, actually.

01:12:24I am.

01:12:24I'm 39.

01:12:25What?

01:12:26You're 39?

01:12:26Why are you hanging around me us, then, you creepy old nuns?

01:12:30I didn't realise you were a fucking adult.

01:12:31Yeah, because I'm not late 20s, Max.

01:12:32Thank you very much.

01:12:33Compliment taken.

01:12:34Come on.

01:12:35It does not matter who goes first.

01:12:37You are all going to die.

01:12:39Shit, okay.

01:12:39I guess bye then.

01:12:41See you in the afterlife.

01:12:43Ideally.

01:12:45And with this heretic romance in trails,

01:12:50we honour thee.

01:12:52Babs?

01:13:01We are under attack.

01:13:06Men to arms!

01:13:07Oh, her name's Barbara Rinaldi.

01:13:26Yeah, we've been hooking up over the last couple of days.

01:13:28Sorry, son, why were you a held prisoner?

01:13:29You've been busy humping.

01:13:31Yeah, well, I was prisoner too, but just, like, a sex one.

01:13:33Of course you were.

01:13:33Nice one, son.

01:13:35I know, this whole time, I thought I wanted to get some booty.

01:13:37When, actually, I want to be the booty.

01:13:40Well, Applefan.

01:13:41Guys, can we discuss this later?

01:13:43Please.

01:13:43Kill them, old man!

01:13:45Come on, kill them!

01:13:47Oh, shit!

01:13:52Oh, shit!

01:13:54Oh, fuck you, Wolf!

01:13:55Thanks for coming and save me.

01:14:10If anyone's going to disembowel my concubine,

01:14:12it's going to be me.

01:14:15Stay at my room.

01:14:16Always.

01:14:17Oh, don't mind if I do.

01:14:37Yes!

01:14:37Aurelius!

01:14:39Oh, no!

01:14:40Oh!

01:14:40No, Grumio, what are you doing?

01:14:46Don't stop now!

01:14:47I want my bloody eagle.

01:14:48Why?

01:14:49It's just a lot of metal.

01:14:50Yeah, but them bastards nicked off me.

01:14:51I'll have it back with a quick grabber-oos.

01:14:53No more grabber-oos!

01:14:54Hey, you'll do you, soft lad.

01:14:56I'm going in.

01:14:57What?

01:14:57Please, Grumio!

01:14:59It's not worth it!

01:15:00Just a baby for what's in your life!

01:15:04Well, I'm going, Grumio.

01:15:05I'll see you outside, okay?

01:15:08Come on, let's get out of it!

01:15:13Stop!

01:15:15Hand that over at once.

01:15:16That's a fuck, mate.

01:15:17That eagle is a beacon of hope,

01:15:19for all of us will refuse to bow down to home and oppression.

01:15:22It's mine is what it is.

01:15:30Get back or I'll bloody beat you.

01:15:35Oh, my nose!

01:16:02Stop, don't slide!

01:16:04Oh, yeah!

01:16:05Let's get back!

01:16:23Can we go now?

01:16:25Yes, please.

01:16:26Oh, not the base.

01:16:45What a worst.

01:16:46Oh!

01:16:47I can't believe it's happened again!

01:16:49I know, it's like you're trying to get shot in the arse.

01:16:51I've got three holes back there now.

01:16:53You could pick me up like a bowling ball.

01:16:55Do you want me to yank it out or what?

01:16:57No!

01:16:57Can you ask her to do it, please?

01:17:00I don't want another green bomb situation, thank you.

01:17:02So, now you're no longer honouring the mighty Zalmoxis with your entrails.

01:17:08What are your plans for the day?

01:17:10Er, I guess we need to get back to Rome.

01:17:13But despite popular wisdom, very few roads seem to lead there.

01:17:16Oh, God, that stings!

01:17:18Don't be a baby.

01:17:20You know your evil empire is stationed about half a day that way?

01:17:23Hitch a ride with them.

01:17:24Yeah, that's the thing.

01:17:25We're not exactly that popular with our evil empire.

01:17:29Yet.

01:17:54Found the eagle?

01:17:55No big deal, lads.

01:17:57Just bringing it home for home.

01:18:04Let us through, fellas.

01:18:06Respect the eagle, please.

01:18:07You?

01:18:08You found the eagle?

01:18:11You can buy me a drink later to say thanks.

01:18:22Dove be praised.

01:18:23Where on earth was it?

01:18:24The Carpy tribe had taken it, sir.

01:18:26Just say barbarians.

01:18:27I can't keep up with all their weird little names.

01:18:28We snuck in, we duffed them up, and we grabbed our big bird there.

01:18:32Marvellous.

01:18:32Well, jolly good work.

01:18:33I'm absolutely thrilled about this.

01:18:34You're welcome.

01:18:35Yes.

01:18:35You shall now be executed.

01:18:36Oh.

01:18:37Not again.

01:18:38What?

01:18:38You're deserters.

01:18:39Ergo, you must be crucified.

01:18:41I mean, I guess that beats disembowelment.

01:18:43Barely.

01:18:44Come on, we've got the bastard eagle back.

01:18:45Yeah, you should be giving us a medal, if anything.

01:18:47Also, I'm not entirely sure I've forgiven you for clicking my neck.

01:18:50Oh, look, mate.

01:18:51Mate.

01:18:52General.

01:18:52Sir.

01:18:53We know that there was no invasion, and this war was waged entirely to get hold of more

01:18:57bauxite.

01:18:58Did you know about that?

01:18:59About the bauxite?

01:19:00Yes, of course.

01:19:01Did you?

01:19:02Well, maybe the Roman people should too.

01:19:04Oh, the plebs in Rome don't care why wars are waged, as long as we win them and bring

01:19:08home some funny animals.

01:19:09That is true.

01:19:10So, let's erect the crucifixes and get this over with.

01:19:12Oh, sorry, sir.

01:19:13I meant to say the crosses have all been dismantled and packed onto the wagons.

01:19:18All right, fine.

01:19:19You're free to go.

01:19:19But I'm discharging the lot of you the minute we arrive in Rome, and you must promise,

01:19:23never to set foot in the army again.

01:19:24Yeah, it did a deal.

01:19:26Hang on.

01:19:27Were there not four deserters?

01:19:28There were, sir.

01:19:29Ergo, one is missing.

01:19:31Yes, sir.

01:19:32Jason Brindisi.

01:19:34He died, liberating the eagle.

01:19:36Oh.

01:19:37Well, that's one less mouth to feed on our journey home.

01:19:40But also very sad.

01:19:49Hiya.

01:19:51Hiya.

01:19:52Hiya.

01:19:52We had a good war on balance.

01:19:58Well, it was terrifying and horrible and waged purely to further the economic interest of

01:20:03the state.

01:20:04But, yeah, you know, we didn't die.

01:20:06Like I say, on balance.

01:20:08Salve, groom you.

01:20:09All right, landlord.

01:20:11Hey, hey, hey.

01:20:12Now we're veterans, we'll probably get our old flat back.

01:20:15Thank you, Jason's all room.

01:20:16If that's cool with you guys.

01:20:20Yeah, all right, you're in.

01:20:21Yes, I'm in!

01:20:23I'm finally in!

01:20:25Woo!

01:20:28Yeah, so sorry to keep you again.

01:20:31Believe it or not, we got caught in another military parade.

01:20:33You're over three months late.

01:20:35And in a military campaign.

01:20:36Yeah.

01:20:37Right, OK.

01:20:38Well, in the interim, your slave license has been approved and is now ready to sign.

01:20:42Go on, then.

01:20:45Do you have a manumission form, in fact?

01:20:48Why?

01:20:49Do you want that one instead now?

01:20:50I do, yeah.

01:20:52Thanks.

01:20:55What's this green one, then?

01:20:56It's manumission.

01:20:58As in freedom.

01:21:01You are no longer a slave.

01:21:03You are.

01:21:05You're young from the Jane.

01:21:07You're free him.

01:21:08Yeah.

01:21:10Well, all this license business is such a bloody faff, isn't it?

01:21:13Also, when that barbarian was about to cut you in half and I was home free, I wasn't coming

01:21:21back for my slave.

01:21:22I was coming back for my brother.

01:21:26Yeah.

01:21:29My selfish, lazy, greedy scrotum of a brother.

01:21:32There is a queue, you realise.

01:21:48Sorry.

01:21:48Yeah.

01:21:49Yep.

01:21:51Now you are a free man, you can obviously fuck off and never see me again.

01:21:55I mean, it's nice to have the option, but I reckon I'll stick around for a bit.

01:22:01So, what shall we do now, then?

01:22:03Well, now that I'm 30, I should probably focus on setting it down, starting a career, getting

01:22:08a mortgage, that sort of thing.

01:22:11Right, because I'm going to suggest getting some free chicken.

01:22:14Yeah, that's much better.

01:22:15I can see clearly now the rain is gone.

01:22:23Oh, yeah.

01:22:23I can see all obstacles in my way.

01:22:31Smart, smart, smart, smart.

01:22:32You get so excited.

01:22:34Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind.

01:22:38It's going to be bright, bright, bright, sunshiny day.

01:22:48I think I can make it now, the pain is gone.

01:22:56All of the bad feelings have disappeared.

01:23:04Here is that rainbow I've been afraid.

01:23:08Yes, it's going to be bright, bright, bright, bright, sunshiny day.

01:23:20Look all around, there's nothing to lose tonight.

01:23:27Look straight ahead, there's nothing to lose tonight.

01:23:32I can see clearly now the rain is gone.

01:23:43I can see all obstacles in my way.

01:23:54Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind.

01:23:59It's going to be bright, bright, bright, bright, sunshiny day.

01:24:09It's going to be bright, bright, bright, bright, sunshine day.

01:24:10It's going to be bright, bright, bright, bright, sunshine day.

01:24:11It's going to be bright, bright, bright, bright, sunshine day.

01:24:12It's going to be bright, bright, bright, bright, bright, sunshine day.

Plebs Soldiers Of Rome – Full Movie

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