- 1 week ago
Taskmaster Champion of Champions 2025
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FunTranscript
00:00Captions by Red Bee Media
00:30It's not what I'm doing.
01:00Hello! Hello!
01:12Thank you, welcome, I'm Greg Davis.
01:16Imagine, if you will, a world where the greatest from any era
01:20could be pitted against one another.
01:22Peak Muhammad Ali clashing with the raging youth of Tyson.
01:26Borg trading rally upon rally with Federer.
01:29Simone Biles and Olga Corbett throwing impossible shapes
01:32on the same bars.
01:34Ooh, it's a tantalising prospect, isn't it?
01:37Now, forget all that and let's see some comedians
01:40doing stupid stuff.
01:42Welcome to the Taskmaster, champion of champions!
01:46APPLAUSE
01:48Please welcome back the winners from series 16 to 20,
01:52Andy Zaltzman!
01:54CHEERING
01:56John Robin!
01:58Maisie Anna!
02:01Matthew Baker!
02:03And Sam Campbell!
02:05CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
02:08And next to me, a man who tells me that,
02:10unlike the vast majority of the United Kingdom,
02:13he found the felling of the sycamore gap tree
02:16absolutely hilarious.
02:18LAUGHTER
02:19It's...
02:21He-he-he!
02:22Little Alex Hart!
02:23CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
02:25CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
02:27Hello, Greg, hello everyone.
02:29It's the champion of champions.
02:31It must be a tough, tough prize category, am I right?
02:34Oh, he's always right, although he dresses to the left.
02:37LAUGHTER
02:38And the prize category is the biggest betrayal.
02:42Ooh!
02:43Yes!
02:44The audience were right to ooh, enough respect.
02:46Greg will give five points for the biggest betrayal
02:49in what is probably the only time ever that celebrities
02:52being duplicitous on television are rewarded and celebrated.
02:54LAUGHTER
02:56Right!
02:57Let us begin.
02:58Hello, Andy.
02:59Hello, Greg.
03:00What betrayal have you brought in for this,
03:02most auspicious of occasions?
03:03Well, I brought in the official Taskmaster book.
03:07OK, well, this is the book.
03:08Oh!
03:09So there you go.
03:10Definitive truth.
03:11Definitive truth.
03:12The real story by the real star.
03:15LAUGHTER
03:17But the real betrayal is...
03:19I'm going to have to take you to the index, Greg.
03:21Look at that.
03:22Oh.
03:23Not a single mention, mate.
03:24But this...
03:25LAUGHTER
03:27LAUGHTER
03:28Not...
03:31It hurts big time.
03:32It's a big betrayal.
03:33It's a big betrayal.
03:34It's a big betrayal.
03:35It's a strong opener.
03:36Can you beat that, John,
03:37a book because it doesn't even mention me?
03:39Would it not impress you more
03:41to betray the only person on Earth
03:43you want to be betrayed?
03:45Alex, two months ago you received an email from me.
03:48Here it is.
03:49Sorry to ask,
03:50but my pal is running a charity auction
03:51and he's a big Horn Section fan.
03:53As if...
03:54LAUGHTER
03:56We sought out a few signed posters.
03:58Cheers, mate.
03:59And I think I did provide the posters.
04:00Yes, you did.
04:01So what there was,
04:02was a Horn Section show
04:04in the Aylesbury Waterside Theatre.
04:07Yeah, we're doing quite well.
04:08Yeah.
04:10So I added Alex's signed posters
04:12for the audience to see
04:14as they walked into the show,
04:15but I did annotate them somewhat
04:17with my own messages.
04:19First off,
04:20a career low.
04:21LAUGHTER
04:23Alesbury is a syphilis hotspot.
04:27LAUGHTER
04:28Only here to escape our Harrodon wives.
04:33LAUGHTER
04:34Exemplary.
04:35APPLAUSE
04:36Exemplary.
04:37Strong.
04:38This is strong.
04:39Who's next?
04:40Maisie.
04:41Well, I've not betrayed either of you.
04:43I have betrayed my fellow competitors.
04:47Ooh.
04:48Oh!
04:49Yes.
04:50So there's a lot of chat forums
04:51where people want to know behind-the-scenes goss
04:54about comedians,
04:56specifically some of you guys.
04:59And the day I came home from winning my series,
05:03I set up a fake account on this chat forum
05:06to contribute scathing rumours about these lovely men.
05:10LAUGHTER
05:12LAUGHTER
05:13All right.
05:14APPLAUSE
05:15So...
05:18Somebody was basically wanting some tea
05:20on the UK comedy scene,
05:21so I came straight in with, well, before a gig,
05:23Andy Zaltzman kept asking if tampons were a myth.
05:26LAUGHTER
05:27And then I thought I'd add in, with my good friend Matt Bainton here,
05:31that I also worked with Matt Bainton,
05:32and when I said I liked football,
05:34he made me list the starting 11 of the past five FA Cup winners.
05:37LAUGHTER
05:38Luckily for you, I didn't discuss you on the chat forum.
05:43I discussed you in the very big WhatsApp group
05:46that is for female comedians.
05:48LAUGHTER
05:51Here we go.
05:53LAUGHTER
05:55I mean, I said, first of all,
05:56Sam Campbell referred to me as that lady comic
05:58throughout the entire time of working together.
06:00Oh, my God.
06:01LAUGHTER
06:02That's Lou Sanders.
06:03Lou Sanders is my landlord.
06:05LAUGHTER
06:07Disappointing but not surprising.
06:10LAUGHTER
06:11And John Robbins starts all of his sentences around women
06:14with the phrase,
06:15as one of the few good men left in comedy.
06:17LAUGHTER
06:19Is this Kath...
06:20That's Katherine Ryan, yeah.
06:22Saying gross.
06:24Saying gross.
06:25LAUGHTER
06:26And you didn't tell them it was a wind-up,
06:27you just put the comment?
06:28No.
06:29It's...
06:30LAUGHTER
06:31This is lovely.
06:32Matthew.
06:33Well, I felt the biggest possible betrayal here
06:36would be to betray this show.
06:39Oh.
06:40On a very big public scale,
06:42so this is what I did.
06:44LAUGHTER
06:46LAUGHTER
06:47I wonder if you could possibly have heard that way.
06:52LAUGHTER
06:54LAUGHTER
06:55APPLAUSE
06:56Yeah.
06:57APPLAUSE
06:58That is nice.
07:01And, I would say, expensive?
07:03Yeah.
07:04750 pounds.
07:05Ooh!
07:06LAUGHTER
07:07The scale of it is lovely.
07:09Yeah.
07:10Sam.
07:11Well, yeah.
07:12I think it is a betrayal
07:13that there is only one female comedian
07:14on this entire dais.
07:15Yeah.
07:16So you listen here,
07:17Mr. Alex Horne,
07:19and you listen here,
07:20Mr. Greg Walters...
07:22G... Davis?
07:23LAUGHTER
07:26Because I think it's about time someone taught you
07:29the alphabet.
07:30A to Z.
07:32LAUGHTER
07:37I go on a shopping spree
07:38with Aisling B
07:39and Bridget Christie makes my eyes misty.
07:42Oh, Catherine Boha,
07:43you are just so smart.
07:44Dame Edna
07:45should have been played by a woman.
07:47Oh, the colour make you giddy
07:48like that Emacidi.
07:49Fatia Elgory has best Instagram stories.
07:51You can't hold a candle to our Grace Campbell.
07:54I'm crying in my silence
07:58on female videos.
08:04Harriet Kemsley,
08:05hope you're getting your REM sleep
08:06while joking on putty
08:08from sweet Izzy Sadi.
08:09Put your hands on the air
08:10for Jenny Eclair.
08:11There should be a monument
08:12to Gary Goleman.
08:13Lucy Beaumont,
08:14this is your moment.
08:16Forget Aladdin,
08:17wish to see Meziadam.
08:18Natasha Dimitri,
08:19every TV show should feature you.
08:21Female comedians,
08:22I want you to hold me accountable.
08:23Sketch Cozo Golda,
08:24because I'm Olivia Colman.
08:26Patty Harrison,
08:27there is no comparison.
08:28Queen Latifah,
08:29is in some comedy movies.
08:31Rosie Jones,
08:32I wanna make clothes.
08:33Sarah Millican,
08:34make another from silicon.
08:35Tati McLeod,
08:37is cloning allowed?
08:38Can I get a multi-pack
08:39of a rouge ash rack?
08:41And what about the female comedians
08:42from other planets?
08:43Vorg,
08:44is talking the talk.
08:45She's got a new podcast,
08:46sharing her thoughts.
08:48Watch into Koala,
08:49you're a comedy master.
08:50I like to pick your brains
08:51over a tikka masala.
08:52Sontorial Zork,
08:54I heard your podcast with Vorg.
08:55Man, you guys,
08:56have such a nice talk.
08:57Yip, it's a new.
08:59Your last special is you.
09:00I heard you,
09:01instead of laughing,
09:02you goop.
09:03Zoe Lyons,
09:04broader sky horizons.
09:05I'm breaking my silence.
09:19Okay.
09:20Who are you portraying?
09:24Oh, I brought in a special,
09:29a special glove.
09:31Yeah, this is what Sam
09:32has actually brought in.
09:37Okay.
09:38Okay.
09:39Can I go back to my original question?
09:44Who are you portraying?
09:46No, no, I'm saying that we feel betrayed by you and your nasty little boys club.
09:55And a lot of them have been on Taskmaster.
09:58That is a good point.
10:01Well, here are my scores.
10:03You ready?
10:04Cool.
10:05Sam, one point,
10:06because I don't think you know who you've betrayed.
10:09Andy Zaltzman,
10:10two points,
10:11seems fair.
10:12John, three points.
10:14Matthew Bainton,
10:15four points,
10:16because I like the scale of it.
10:17And who else can I give five points to but Maisie Adam?
10:20Well done, Maisie Adam.
10:21She wins the title!
10:22Yes!
10:26All right, let's let this firmest battle begin!
10:29Oh, yes.
10:30And first up,
10:31it's Verses,
10:32followed by Curses.
10:34Ooh!
10:35TARGET
10:37TARGET
10:38TARGET
10:39TARGET
10:40TARGET
10:41TARGET
10:42TARGET
10:43TARGET
10:44TARGET
10:45TARGET
10:46TARGET
10:47TARGET
10:48TARGET
10:49TARGET
10:50Hello.
10:51Hi Maisie.
10:52John Robbins.
10:53Alex Horne.
10:54LAUGHTER
10:55TARGET
10:56TARGET
10:57TARGET
10:58TARGET
10:59There he is!
11:00Hello Andy.
11:01Hello.
11:02PHONE RINGS
11:03Hi Sam.
11:05How have you been since the victory?
11:07Yeah, good.
11:08I haven't had any acting work.
11:10Would you say that's a coincidence or...?
11:14I've got to ask, how's your back?
11:15Yeah.
11:16All right.
11:17OK.
11:18I did wrestling.
11:19I wasn't dressed as a nun when I did that.
11:20But I landed on me back, so that's happened.
11:23Great.
11:24I'm a drugged up nun with a guitar, essentially.
11:26Write, memorise and perform the most powerful poem
11:31about being a champion.
11:33You must perform the entirety of your poem
11:35sat on the special chair.
11:36You have 15 minutes to write and memorise your poem,
11:39then a maximum of five minutes to perform it.
11:41Most powerful champion poem performance wins.
11:45Your time starts now.
11:47Can't be that difficult. Shakespeare churned him out, didn't he?
11:51There's a whiff of Shakespeare about you.
11:54I used to write a lot of poetry back in the day.
11:57I would write lots of pretty moving poems
11:59about girls who didn't fancy me.
12:01Oh.
12:02Did that change?
12:03No.
12:04Lady repellent.
12:05This is how I'll remember it.
12:06I think they're called acrostic poems.
12:08I'll definitely remember it,
12:09because I've just got to remember what it is I'm spelling,
12:12which is going to be champion.
12:14OK, so now it's just learning time.
12:16Mm-hm.
12:17I need more time.
12:18I need more time.
12:19I see.
12:36It's not a chair.
12:37A chair is something you sit on.
12:38That's a chair.
12:39That is not a definition of a chair.
12:40It's a chair.
12:41It's a special chair.
12:42It's not a chair.
12:43APPLAUSE
12:49Well, well, well.
12:50Seeing them all come in one by one,
12:52it really did make me question my judgments over the series.
12:55LAUGHTER
12:56The Sister Bad Back and The Four Troubles.
12:59LAUGHTER
13:00Let's have a look.
13:01First to orate and gyrate, yes, in those shorts...
13:05LAUGHTER
13:06..is Matthew Bainton.
13:07..is Matthew Bainton.
13:08I'm going to swing on this way, for obvious reasons.
13:10LAUGHTER
13:15OK.
13:18A champion wins.
13:19A champion...
13:20..fuck it.
13:22A champion wins.
13:24A champion defeats.
13:26A champion destroys.
13:28A champion never cheats.
13:32But after the battle,
13:34after the fight,
13:36what keeps a champion up at night?
13:38The champion's burden!
13:39The champion's...
13:41LAUGHTER
13:42The champion's burden.
13:43The champion's curse.
13:45When all is done,
13:46there can be...
13:48only one!
13:49LAUGHTER
13:50APPLAUSE
14:03Pretty powerful, Scott.
14:04Because it's not just about what it takes to be a champion,
14:06it's about what it costs to be a champion.
14:08And what it costs is your acting career.
14:10Yes.
14:11LAUGHTER
14:12Despite the ghoulies, it was a strong poet.
14:15OK, one part of our final is done,
14:17and it's so good to have our old friends back.
14:19Yes, it is.
14:20In fact, I put together a little highlight reel,
14:22and I thought we could watch that before the break,
14:24if you'd like to see it, Greg.
14:25Oh, yeah, that's a good idea.
14:26Why don't you just marry them?
14:28Here's some adverts.
14:29APPLAUSE
14:40Hello.
14:41Welcome back to this tremendous tussle of the Tusk Titans.
14:45Yes, and it's nice to see Sam Campbell again too, isn't it?
14:47So...
14:48Before the break, they were performing the most powerful poem
14:52about being a champion whilst riding a bucking bronco.
14:55Now, back on the ball we go with Randy Zaltzman.
15:04Are you wearing a box?
15:05Yes, I am.
15:06Yes, I am.
15:07The world where once the penguin feared to tread,
15:12now bestrode by this titan of Tarskmerian fate,
15:17who wields the sacred willow,
15:19and on his head that helmet showing the world...
15:23that's...
15:27Where have we got to?
15:29Showing the world...
15:31It's never too late to grasp from the chasm of eternal gloom
15:36a sprig of hope,
15:37or thus the champion of series 18
15:39who sprang in triumph from human womb.
15:41Proof of the wild, the victory can be seen
15:43even in a hero who's over 50.
15:45Ah!
15:46Ah!
15:47Fucking...
15:48Oh, shit!
15:54I'm still holding on to it.
15:56You're fine, you're fine.
15:57The victory can be seen even in a hero who's over 50,
16:00Balding's quite out of shape and locks.
16:03In Alex Horne's...
16:05dark and...
16:06task-filled, harrowing room.
16:08The end.
16:09Finish?
16:10You're finished, mate.
16:11Thank you for the power, Mandy.
16:13You're an evil fucking bastard.
16:22Well, it was supposed to be a poet doing a powerful performance.
16:26Honestly, what I've written down is
16:27it was a bit like watching an old man fail a medical.
16:30LAUGHTER
16:32Well, potato-potato.
16:34What is next?
16:36Next up, it's the turn of John Robbins to recite his poem
16:39whilst having his nipples tossed all over the place.
16:42LAUGHTER
16:43LAUGHTER
16:45Would you kind just need to make one adjustment?
16:47LAUGHTER
16:49There we go.
16:50Hemberton.
16:51Blessed dweeb of cryptic.
16:54Willan and Mohammed.
16:56Crowd-pleasing.
16:57Thick-o-diptic.
16:58McNally.
17:01Pants!
17:02Ooh!
17:04Prosecco smile and Monroe nose.
17:07Our champion in Freddie pose.
17:10Hi-ya!
17:13Ow!
17:14Our champion with record score.
17:17Robbins, they cry.
17:19Let him rain once more!
17:25OK.
17:27You got to level one with that one?
17:29On that one, but on other ones, I got to the max, didn't I?
17:34APPLAUSE
17:36You were writing about your fellow contestants as well.
17:41Yes.
17:42When you first got on, you said you had to make an adjustment.
17:44Yes.
17:45And I wrote down, I thought that maybe you were putting part of you
17:48inside of you.
17:50LAUGHTER
17:53No, I was very much just ensuring that the Robbins lineage
17:57of champions can continue.
17:59LAUGHTER
18:01Good, who's next?
18:02It is the time of Sam Campbell and Maisie.
18:06Oh.
18:09What?
18:10Are you joking?
18:11That's the magic chair?
18:13It's a special chair, yeah.
18:14Special chair.
18:16I've told you I've got a back injury and you thought,
18:19yeah, bubber on there.
18:21You look like you're going to give birth.
18:23LAUGHTER
18:25Oh, far out!
18:26Oh, my God.
18:27Life is insane.
18:29Some people say it's a game of snakes and ladders.
18:32Champion of champions!
18:34How did we get here?
18:36Ah!
18:37So many!
18:38Blood, sweat and tears.
18:40A ladder and something happens not nice!
18:43Many have failed, but not I.
18:46Pushing through, tusk after tusk, with my eyes, oh, on the prize.
18:52And the real champions are nurses and people who designed hospitals and people who held troubled teeth!
18:58In pursuit of Big Daddy Greg's approval.
19:02And, of course, Roger Federer and Carlos Alcaz!
19:05Oh, I'm here to stay.
19:08Ain't no removal!
19:09LAUGHTER
19:10And I'm going to pass it over to Alacron!
19:14LAUGHTER
19:16Everyone's talking about this guy.
19:18They're not all saying good things.
19:20New Horizons beckon.
19:22Victory again?
19:23You reckon?
19:24Would you like me to stop the magic carpet?
19:26Yes.
19:27And that's the life of a champion.
19:30Maisie, thank you for your powerful performance.
19:34You're a lawsuit waiting to happen.
19:37Just so you know.
19:39APPLAUSE
19:45That's honestly one of the saddest things I've ever seen.
19:48You look like you're microwaving me.
19:51LAUGHTER
19:53I remember it being quicker and thinking, this'll look cool.
19:59It.
20:00Did.
20:01Not.
20:03Sam.
20:04The poem was rubbish.
20:05Yes, it's also not the poem he wrote in the room.
20:07In the room he wrote,
20:08Everyone is a champion.
20:09Roger Federer.
20:10I feel 100%.
20:11My life has been amazing.
20:12Lonely at the top.
20:14LAUGHTER
20:20It's time to stall, Greg.
20:21Well, I sort of felt the same about Andy and Sam's, really.
20:25I could only give them two points because of the criteria of the poem.
20:28Right.
20:29Two points.
20:30So I'm going to give them two points each.
20:31To Sam and Andy.
20:32That's correct.
20:33Now, I do think, you know, you're at a physical disadvantage
20:35because you had a terrible wrestling injury.
20:37Yes.
20:38But I just don't think we can...
20:39No, I get what you're saying.
20:40You're saying three points and get back in the kitchen.
20:42I hear you.
20:43LAUGHTER
20:44And then, I think, Matt, you couldn't hold on long enough
20:47to give your poem the audience it deserved,
20:49whereas John held on.
20:51He slagged off his fellow contestants
20:53and he did it in a very powerful way.
20:56Four points and five points and that's it.
20:58APPLAUSE
20:59All right, all right.
21:00Five points for your model.
21:01There we go.
21:02I'd like to see a champion scoreboard, please.
21:04Three of the champions cannot be wrought apart.
21:07Matt, Maisie and John all have eight points.
21:10Whoa!
21:11Also Andy and Sam are there.
21:13Four and three.
21:14APPLAUSE
21:15Then let us see the champion's tusk some more.
21:19OK, we've had poetic metres and now for two more metres
21:22in a race against time.
21:24MUSIC PLAYS
21:25Hey, Matt.
21:42It's cold, Alex.
21:47Hello.
21:48Oh.
21:49How are you?
21:50You look a little bit...
21:51Stiff?
21:52There's your task.
21:54Right by the start line.
21:56Oh, what have you got in store for me?
21:58Oh, don't do this to me.
21:59No!
22:00Oh, you're cruel.
22:02Oh, wow.
22:05You all right?
22:10Win the two metre race.
22:14First to break the tape wins.
22:20You must start the race after the starter's bang
22:23and behind the starting line.
22:25If any part of your body moves beyond the starting line
22:28or you break the tape before the starter's bang,
22:32you are disqualified.
22:35Finally, every time the bike wheel stops spinning,
22:39your final time will be doubled.
22:41And throughout the task, you must big yourself up.
22:44Like, give myself compliments and make myself feel nice.
22:48You don't want that wheel to stop.
22:51I know, dude!
22:53APPLAUSE
22:55Did anyone understand this task?
23:01No.
23:02No, no.
23:03It really did cause confusion, didn't it?
23:05Yes.
23:06It's a two metre sprint.
23:07That's all you need to do.
23:08Shall we start the race?
23:09Let's start the race.
23:10OK, first up, it's Series 17 versus Series 19.
23:13That's right, it's Matthew on your marks, Luke and John.
23:18What are you doing?
23:19Taking the bike off so I can ride the bike.
23:21Do you want a tool?
23:23I don't need a tool.
23:25I am a tool.
23:28So there's no other course?
23:29No, this is the course.
23:30It's a two metre running track.
23:32That's it.
23:33I'm the best.
23:35I've got this.
23:36Where's the starter?
23:37I just don't know.
23:38He works independently from me or she.
23:46Why is there someone in there?
23:51OK, I've got eight minutes and 19 seconds before the bang.
23:55Right.
23:56But I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing with my time.
23:58Bigging yourself up, John.
24:00Do I need to big myself up any bigger?
24:04They're waiting, isn't it?
24:06Yeah, but I'm good at waiting.
24:12That's now safe.
24:13It's secure.
24:14Six.
24:15Five.
24:16Four.
24:17Three.
24:20A specific...
24:28You've completed the course after the bang.
24:30Yeah.
24:31Don't keep that bit in.
24:32Well, I think both men made the mistake of thinking that this task was cleverer than it is, basically.
24:44You were even looking for another course at one point, weren't you?
24:46Yeah, it was the amount of time.
24:47Yeah.
24:48I've thought about it so much since.
24:50I was sure that I would come here tonight and watch it and find out there was a whole other aspect, waiting, hiding somewhere.
24:57There wasn't.
24:58There wasn't.
24:59It was just really scary.
25:00There wasn't.
25:01You're not going to tell us times now, I wouldn't think.
25:03Let's see some more then.
25:04OK.
25:05Two more men now.
25:06Sorry, Maisie, but they're not particularly manly men because it's Sam and Andy.
25:09You think you're better than me?
25:12You don't want that wheel...
25:13I'm one of the best ever.
25:15Right.
25:16Oh, he's flying.
25:18Right.
25:19Can I move this?
25:21You do whatever you want.
25:22You've been talking about me behind my back?
25:24I'll tell you why you're behind my back, because you are in my shadow and you are nothing to...
25:28And I'll...
25:29Yeah.
25:31I mean, this has been one of the most impressive displays of moving Alex Horn on a bicycle.
25:35Yeah.
25:36Can I move the tape?
25:37No, not moving the tape.
25:40So you're just going to do that and wait for the bang?
25:43Yeah.
25:44Are you familiar with voodoo dolls?
25:46You piss me off sometimes.
25:48I don't know why it's love talking to you.
25:50Well, the tape's gone now.
25:52Yeah, you've got to stay this side of the starters line.
25:54The starters line?
25:55Oh, shit.
25:58My arm is getting sore, dude.
26:00Hmm.
26:01Is it?
26:02Can I just ask?
26:03Yeah.
26:04So I'll...
26:05The bang will happen, I spin it, then I run.
26:06No, the wheel's got to spin the whole time.
26:08Every time you stop it, your final time has doubled.
26:17I need to find the starter now.
26:19Do you think Bainton's doing this?
26:21Oh, Bainton's just perfect.
26:22Oh, Bainton.
26:23Oh, did you see Bainton?
26:24Oh, Bainton's just great.
26:26What?
26:27Can you press that?
26:28Oh, I just saw Bainton in the play.
26:41It was scrumptious.
26:42OK, thank you.
26:43OK.
26:44APPLAUSE
26:45Andy, I think you went off to have sex with an effigy of answers.
26:55LAUGHTER
26:56I did not, we just watched the cricket together.
26:57LAUGHTER
26:58Sam, you spent a lot of the time sarcastically reviewing Matthew Bainton's latest play.
27:15Yeah.
27:16Um, I think that's like jealousy and, um, green doesn't look good on me and I apologise and it's just, yeah, jealousy.
27:23I honestly think you're the thinking woman's crumpet and...
27:26LAUGHTER
27:27Seriously.
27:28LAUGHTER
27:29We're halfway through this champion of champions showdown and already it's incredibly, absolutely incredible that any of them ever won a series.
27:39LAUGHTER
27:40And now, Alex is going to do an impression of one of the Beatles.
27:44Hello.
27:45Ringo?
27:46Yes, it was Ringo.
27:47Here's to my man!
27:48CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
27:53Hello!
27:57Welcome back to the third part of this riveting competition.
28:02There is one race left.
28:04Her body might not have been match fit, but what about her brain?
28:07Let's find out.
28:08It is Maisie Adams.
28:09Oh!
28:13We'll just move this closer, won't we?
28:15Do you need a hand, because of your terrible back injuries?
28:17Yeah.
28:18Come on.
28:19That's it, that's it.
28:20Here?
28:21No, keep going.
28:22Right, just bob it there.
28:23Bob it here?
28:24Yep.
28:28Maybe I could tie something to it, and then the moment I hear the bang, break it.
28:33Uh-huh.
28:34Could you go and get me some string?
28:35String.
28:36String.
28:37String.
28:38Great.
28:39Well done.
28:46Am I looking at the starter now?
28:48No, the starter's not one of these people.
28:50Are you the starter?
28:51Yeah.
28:52Do you...
28:53Do you...
28:54Do you...
28:55Do you...
28:56Are you...
28:57Well...
28:58Sorry.
28:59I just grabbed the button.
29:00Oh, you've got the button.
29:01Yep.
29:02Right.
29:03Three, two, one.
29:04You've broken the finish line after the bang, very fast.
29:05See ya.
29:06Thanks, Rosie.
29:07Well, you broke the tape.
29:08Have I done well?
29:09I think you've done really well.
29:10Fuck off.
29:11Surely she can't be beaten.
29:12Let's find out.
29:13We can see all five running at the same time.
29:14Yes, please.
29:15It's time for this year's two metre race.
29:16Three, two, one.
29:17Three, two, one.
29:18One.
29:19One.
29:20Two.
29:21One.
29:22OK.
29:23And then...
29:24One.
29:25One.
29:26One.
29:27One.
29:28One.
29:29One.
29:30One.
29:31One.
29:32One.
29:33One.
29:34One.
29:35Surely she can't be beaten. Let's find out.
29:37Well, we can see all five running at the same time.
29:39Yes, please.
29:40It's time for this year's two-metre race.
29:43Three, two, one.
29:45BOOM
29:47BUZZER
29:48BUZZER
29:49BUZZER
29:52BUZZER
29:54APPLAUSE
29:56CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
29:59APPLAUSE
30:01APPLAUSE
30:03What's Sam's been like? You're not spinning the wheel, presumably.
30:06Yes. Sam, your wheel's stopped 21 times.
30:10LAUGHTER
30:11Really?
30:12So we have to double 6.11 seconds 21 times,
30:15which works out as 213,500 minutes,
30:20which is 21 weeks.
30:22LAUGHTER
30:24Sorry, 0.01?
30:26Yeah.
30:27Yeah.
30:28I'm so... Like, honestly, put that on my gravestone.
30:31LAUGHTER
30:33In top-level athletics... Oh, no.
30:35..if you go within 0.1 second of the gun going off,
30:39it's considered to be a false start,
30:41because that's beyond the scope of human reactions.
30:43Daltzman, shut the fuck up!
30:45LAUGHTER
30:46So, Greg, are you happy with all the performances?
30:48I'm happy with all the performances,
30:50and nothing Daltzman can say can change my mind on that.
30:52In which case, Sam gets one point,
30:54Andy two, John three, Matt four,
30:55but Maisie Allen get five points!
30:57CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
30:59BANG!
31:00OK.
31:02Lovely.
31:03Do we have one more tough task for our champs to tackle?
31:06Oh, yes, we do.
31:08And just like you, Greg, it's bold, it's big,
31:10and it's really very simple.
31:13LAUGHTER
31:14MUSIC
31:15Oh, wow.
31:16Hello, Sam.
31:17Ooh.
31:18Who's that?
31:19It is I.
31:20Matthew Bainton.
31:22What the...?
31:23What's going on in here?
31:24Hello, Maisie.
31:25Hello.
31:26Hello.
31:27Hello.
31:28Hello.
31:29Hello.
31:30Ooh.
31:31Who's that?
31:32It is I.
31:33Matthew Bainton.
31:34What the...?
31:35What's going on in here?
31:37Hello, Maisie.
31:38Hello.
31:39Hello.
31:40OK.
31:44Oh, that is good.
31:47Oh, right on.
31:51Oh, right on.
31:54Be brilliant for a minute.
31:56Most brilliant minute wins.
31:58You have a total of 20 minutes.
32:00Your time starts now.
32:04I mean, it just would be tiresome
32:06if I got a guitar out again, wouldn't it?
32:08What if it's all of history in the minute?
32:12Oh, yeah.
32:13Oh, yeah.
32:14We've got Primordial.
32:15Obviously Cave People.
32:16Bronze Age.
32:17Huns.
32:18Attila the Hun.
32:19Yes.
32:20Attila the Hun.
32:21This is good.
32:22I've got an idea.
32:23Oh.
32:24I want to play a game.
32:26I mean, they say stick to what you know,
32:28but mostly what I know is cricket stats.
32:30Yeah, I'm going to go and have a think.
32:32Oh, right, OK.
32:33Don't look at him.
32:38It's just too much.
32:40I think I'm just going to do Attila the Hun.
32:43The life of Attila the Hun in a minute.
32:45Yeah.
32:46APPLAUSE
32:51However brilliant what we're about to see is,
32:53for me, nothing's going to be as brilliant as Matthew blinding
32:56himself and then smashing into small numbers.
33:00OK.
33:01Well, two brilliant champions, first of all, Andy and Maisie.
33:10Andy?
33:11I'm down here.
33:12Maisie?
33:13Maisie?
33:14Maisie?
33:15Maisie?
33:161,018!
33:19Maisie?
33:20Maisie?
33:21.
33:22.
33:23.
33:24.
33:26.
33:27.
33:28.
33:29.
33:30.
33:31.
33:32.
33:330,018!
33:34.
33:37.
33:38.
33:39.
33:40.
33:41.
33:42.
33:43.
33:44.
33:45.
33:46.
33:47BUZZER
33:49BUZZER
33:51BUZZER
33:53Lazy? Lazy?
33:57Lazy?
33:59You've got three seconds.
34:06Right.
34:07There we go.
34:09Ah.
34:10None in a bush.
34:12None in a bush.
34:13You were in there.
34:14Yep, being brilliant at hiding.
34:16OK, thanks, Maisie.
34:18APPLAUSE
34:25This is a bit of wordplay by you, isn't it?
34:27Minute.
34:28Well, you just never know on this show what the hidden meanings are.
34:31Yeah.
34:32Most brilliant minute or most brilliant minute win.
34:35Oh, yes.
34:37It's clever.
34:38I love that little Andy, by the way.
34:40I love little Andy as well.
34:42He did lots of brilliant things.
34:45How did you think it went?
34:46LAUGHTER
34:50Genuinely, on the day, I thought, smash this.
34:53Yeah.
34:54I mean, I couldn't find her.
34:55I didn't know what she was doing.
34:56She left and I couldn't find her.
34:58And isn't that brilliant?
34:59You'd think you'd spot a nun in a bush.
35:01LAUGHTER
35:02Not if she's fully inside the bush.
35:04I mean, there could be one.
35:05LAUGHTER
35:09Family show, Greg.
35:12She was fully inside the bush.
35:15OK, who's next?
35:16Now for a man who could do with some even more brilliant pants,
35:18it's Matt Bainton.
35:19It's Matt Bainton.
35:20Bainton
35:50Oh
35:52MUSIC PLAYS
36:16I'm genuinely brilliant.
36:18The sun is the most brilliant thing...
36:21Isn't it?
36:22..in our solar system.
36:23It is.
36:2435.7 octillion lumens.
36:27The projector at IMAX is only 4,000, so that's...
36:30LAUGHTER
36:31There wasn't the facts about the sun.
36:34No, there was the sun.
36:35You adapted your face to look like something,
36:37which is also what I did.
36:39And that was critically panned.
36:42But I didn't realise it.
36:43Critically fat!
36:47Matthew, I thought it was powerful.
36:49You would.
36:51There is just one part left for our champions.
36:53Who will win and take my headless body
36:55and attach my head to it, which they already own,
36:58and then what will they do with me?
37:01Who will win and take my headless body with me?
37:03Whoa!
37:04APPLAUSE
37:13Welcome back!
37:14Here we are, then.
37:15May a moment from a former champion rising head and shoulders
37:18above the rest become the ultra-champ.
37:21But first, let's finish this brilliant task.
37:24We simply must.
37:25And it's time for the final two guys to be brilliant for a minute.
37:28It's Sam and John.
37:36Welcome to the 60 Second Game Show,
37:38where the crew of Taskmaster are going to compete
37:40to get money to their chosen charities.
37:42We've got a minute on the clock.
37:44Alex is going to blow his whistle.
37:46Our crew are going to shout out their charities
37:48and throw the ducks into the buckets,
37:50which have...
37:51didn't...
37:52didn't see that,
37:53didn't agree to that, and that's fine.
37:54Alex, are you ready to be brilliant for a minute?
37:56Yes, please.
37:57OK, let's do some bloody good.
37:59And we're off.
38:00The Hospice of St. Francis.
38:02Oh, well, that went in the hundreds.
38:04Did it?
38:05Yeah, it did.
38:06Markinsons.
38:07Markinsons, that was in.
38:08And, as we know, they come out, that counts.
38:11Straight warm in the streets.
38:13Chelsea UK.
38:15Am I into mental health?
38:17Well, that was basically it.
38:25Let's get a coffee, please.
38:26Welcome to Attila's,
38:27the cafe where we think Attila the Hun
38:29is just so much fun.
38:31We love Attila the Hun!
38:33Kids Against Hunger.
38:35Dream flight.
38:36Or two!
38:37And you helped that one in and I'm glad.
38:39There you go.
38:40You.
38:41That'll be 3.50.
38:42All right.
38:43Card?
38:44Card's great.
38:45Great Ormond Street.
38:46Lovely.
38:47Ten seconds left.
38:48And that's counting.
38:49It's nice if someone goes to one of these little red ones.
38:51Not bad.
38:52Lovely.
38:53And that's going in...
38:54150.
38:55And that's 150.
38:56Very generous, John.
38:57Thanks.
38:58It's close to a grand.
39:00It's close to a grand.
39:02And...
39:03Charity matters.
39:05Thanks, John.
39:06There you go.
39:07Thank you so much.
39:08Great.
39:10Actually, I'm so sorry, but I don't want a receipt.
39:12Welcome to Attila's.
39:13Welcome to Attila's.
39:14Welcome to Attila's.
39:15Welcome to Attila's.
39:16The cafe where we think Attila the Hun is just so much fun.
39:28It's just so much fun.
39:29It's just so much fun.
39:30We have to support local businesses and local, like, cafes.
39:46I'm sick of the chains.
39:49APPLAUSE
39:55I think it's brilliant that you raise that money, I do.
39:58I don't think the game show is brilliant.
40:01OK, sorry I raised so much money for charity.
40:04What was the name of the game show?
40:06The 60 Second Game Show.
40:08I just think, why go with that title when you had
40:10chuck it, duck it, book it right there?
40:13Can I just say, I can't stop thinking about little Andy.
40:16I want to see him having, like, a regular-sized meal.
40:19Like, imagine, like, the pizza that we would have,
40:21but it's, um, little Andy having that,
40:23and, like, where does he live, and, like, what does he get up to?
40:26All I'm saying is I'm pretty much addicted to little Andy.
40:29Yeah.
40:30Right.
40:31The Till of the Hunut was a fairly awful, murderous...
40:33Mm.
40:34The Scourge of God was his nickname.
40:35Yeah.
40:36Ah, I thought this might come up.
40:38LAUGHTER
40:43I think he used to, like, boil his enemies alive.
40:46I think you've got to separate the barista from the boiling.
40:48LAUGHTER
40:52OK, bloody.
40:53Obviously, mate, you know.
40:55I mean, I enjoyed seeing her painted face green
40:57and hide in a bush, dress as a nun, but it wasn't brilliant.
40:59One point.
41:00OK.
41:01I think it's brilliant that John raised money for charity.
41:03Right.
41:04But I thought his game show was terrible.
41:06I'm giving him two points.
41:07Two points to John, OK.
41:08I'm going to give Andy three points.
41:09OK.
41:10Matthew, I'm going to give four points.
41:12And I don't know why I'm doing it.
41:14I'm giving Sam Campbell five points.
41:16There we go.
41:17Well done, Sam Campbell, five points.
41:19All right, here we go, then.
41:21Please head to the stage for your final, final time!
41:25APPLAUSE
41:35Hello, baby boy.
41:38Hello.
41:39Who will be reading the task?
41:40Series 18's champion...
41:42Zaltzman.
41:43Zaltzman.
41:44Andy.
41:45Using only tape, turn yourself into a famous person
41:49from the previous millennium who you'd like to see on Taskmaster.
41:54Best all-round new Taskmaster contestant wins.
41:58You have three minutes.
42:00Three minutes?
42:01Yes.
42:02Whew!
42:03That's going to be riveting television.
42:04Yeah, yeah, yeah.
42:05Ready, Greg?
42:06Ready!
42:07They're off.
42:09CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
42:15I find them making a decision that quick is quite disturbing.
42:18Alex.
42:19Yes, John.
42:20The tape doesn't stick on your face.
42:22Yes, it does.
42:23LAUGHTER
42:29I hesitate to ask, but how are you doing, Sam?
42:31Very well, thank you.
42:32It's anyone's game.
42:34LAUGHTER
42:36You'll be happy to know Green is not enrolled.
42:40LAUGHTER
42:43Oh, shit.
42:44And there we go.
42:45APPLAUSE
42:46Contestants, please stand on your spots.
42:57LAUGHTER
42:59Oh, my God.
43:00Oh, God.
43:01Oh, I think I'm going to hurt myself.
43:14LAUGHTER
43:16I can only presume Andy has become the son?
43:20No, no.
43:21Joan of Arc.
43:22LAUGHTER
43:23APPLAUSE
43:25Why do you think that Joan of Arc would be good on Taskmaster, I suppose, is the question?
43:34Well, she heard voices in her head, and that's very much like what doing this show is like.
43:41LAUGHTER
43:42Yeah.
43:43And, of course, if Taskmaster was set during the time of Joan, we would perhaps burn people.
43:46LAUGHTER
43:47We can't rule it out.
43:48I may as well say it, because if anyone's feeling uncomfortable with that idea, strap yourself in for John.
43:54LAUGHTER
43:56LAUGHTER
43:57So, next to Joan of Arc, who do we have, Greg?
44:02It's the Führer, I presume.
44:04LAUGHTER
44:05Charlie Chaplin.
44:06Ah.
44:07Oh, thank you for that.
44:08APPLAUSE
44:09It's a great booking.
44:11APPLAUSE
44:13What a release.
44:14Yes.
44:15And why do you think Chaplin would be good on Taskmaster, John?
44:17Well, one of the great physical comedians of the last millennium,
44:22who I'd like to hear talk a bit more than I did.
44:25LAUGHTER
44:27So, our middle contestant, and who do we have?
44:29Well, I'll tell you who we've got.
44:31We've got David Bowie, surely.
44:32Ah!
44:33Yeah.
44:34APPLAUSE
44:36And why do you think the slim white duke would have been a good contestant?
44:42Well, from what I've seen, white men really do get booked.
44:46LAUGHTER
44:48APPLAUSE
44:50Next to Bowie, Greg.
44:53Now, who is this?
44:55Is it Liza Minnelli?
44:57No.
44:58Oh.
44:59This is Dawn French.
45:00APPLAUSE
45:01Oh.
45:02APPLAUSE
45:03Can I say for the record, we agree that Dawn, you'd be great on Taskmaster.
45:08Maybe after she sees this...
45:10Oh, yeah, she'll look at this and go, that's a show that respects me.
45:14LAUGHTER
45:17And finally, at the end of the line...
45:19LAUGHTER
45:20Are you a person?
45:21Yes, technically, yes.
45:23I feel it might be a Power Ranger.
45:25No.
45:26Are you from a movie, Sam?
45:27Yeah.
45:28Are you a Smurf?
45:29No.
45:30Is it Avatar?
45:31Yeah.
45:32Is it Avatar?
45:33Yeah.
45:34You're a character from Avatar?
45:35Jake Sully.
45:36Jake Sully.
45:37Yeah.
45:38Greg, there is a technicality. Avatar is set in 2154 and it was made in the early 2000s.
45:41It was definitely this millennium, not the last millennium.
45:43So...
45:44I'm a Smurf!
45:45LAUGHTER
45:46APPLAUSE
45:51OK, so we have no choice, unfortunately.
45:54One point to Sam Campbell.
45:55I'm giving Andy Zaltzman two points.
45:57OK.
45:58I think I'm going to put Dawn French above Chaplin on this occasion.
46:02And I recognised the great songwriter immediately.
46:05It's five points to Maisie.
46:07There we go, five points.
46:08To Barry!
46:11Please come down, we'll have that to your final score!
46:15APPLAUSE
46:21This has truly been a tale of Maisie and men,
46:24but now four of them must walk away with their golden tails
46:28between their golden legs, whereas one will walk out of here
46:32waving their tail around like a flippin' lunatic.
46:35So, let's ask the man with the calculator.
46:38Oh, Mr Calculator.
46:41Who has come out on top?
46:43Very close.
46:44Very close.
46:45Very close.
46:46Very close.
46:47Very close.
46:48Very close.
46:49Very close.
46:50Very close.
46:51Very close.
46:52Very close.
46:53The champion of champions.
46:54One point in it at the end.
46:55Oh!
46:56The winner with 20 points.
46:57Matt Bainton is the new champion of champions.
47:00Please pop off your Taskmaster trophy!
47:03CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
47:04APPLAUSE
47:05AND APPLAUSE
47:06AND APPLAUSE
47:07A MUSIC
47:13AND APPLAUSE
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