- 2 hours ago
Taskmaster - Season 20 Episode 101 -
(special) Taskmaster's New Year Treat 2026 (1)
(special) Taskmaster's New Year Treat 2026 (1)
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FunTranscript
00:00.
00:30Hello! Hello!
00:33Thank you. Welcome.
00:35My name is Greg Davis.
00:37Who doesn't like to see things doing things that they shouldn't be doing?
00:41A penguin on a bike? Hilarious.
00:43A dog surfing on a big wave? So funny.
00:46A child hammered on ten pints of Stella? What a laugh.
00:49What about non-comedians coming on a show designed for comedians, though?
00:53Is that funny? Is it? Look at me. Will that be funny?
00:56What do you know, sitting there on your sofa?
00:59It's New Year's treat time, and we're about to find out.
01:02So, now, for the first of not one, but two New Year's treats,
01:06please welcome...
01:22And next to me, a man who tells me that when his band is on tour,
01:26he doesn't like going up to the northern cities
01:29because the people don't eat vegetables, so their teeth are loose.
01:33It's...
01:35A little Alex Horne!
01:37It's just harder. It's just harder than they talk.
01:40It's not just little Alex Horne anymore.
01:42Little Alex Horne has got an OBE.
01:44Oh!
01:46You haven't, though, have you?
01:48OBE...
01:49No, I've got an O-B-O-E.
01:50I've got an oboe.
01:51I've got an O-B-O-E.
01:53Do you want me to play you a tune?
01:55Yes.
01:56You might want to hold that thing on the...
01:58Just...
01:59You want me to hold this?
02:00Shhh!
02:01Don't let them see.
02:03LAUGHTER
02:04Here we go.
02:05BUZZER
02:08Pull! Pull!
02:09Pull!
02:12Harder.
02:13Ooh!
02:15LAUGHTER
02:19APPLAUSE
02:21Right, prize task time.
02:25What's the category, Alex?
02:26Yes.
02:27Well, Greg, it involves alliteration and violence
02:31because you've asked him to bring in the most wonderful thing to whack.
02:36Five points for the most wonderful thing to whack
02:38and five wacky prizes for the wonderful winner of episode one.
02:41Thank you, Greg, and thank you to the fans at home.
02:44LAUGHTER
02:47Welcome, Big Sue.
02:48Have you brought a good thing to whack?
02:50I've been doing a bit of boxing.
02:51Ah.
02:52So, I've got a dummy that's got the face of Alex on it.
02:56Yes, he has.
02:57Oh, this is strong.
02:58There it is, Greg.
02:59Shall we look at it?
03:00LAUGHTER
03:06That is a strong start.
03:07Who's next?
03:08Hello, Jill, you all right?
03:09What have you brought to whack?
03:10So, it's something that you would really whack with.
03:14So, this is my pillow, basically.
03:17This is Jill's pillow, the jill-o.
03:20LAUGHTER
03:21It's Roy Keane.
03:22Obviously, if he was going to whack you, you'd be really scared.
03:25I'd be frightened.
03:26Yeah.
03:27I'd be frightened just to be in the same room as the man.
03:28Yeah.
03:29I tried to kind of be like him when I played football in midfield,
03:32hence why I got a lot of red cards.
03:34You've taken the edge off him with his centre outfit, though, haven't you?
03:37Yeah.
03:38Yeah.
03:39It's good.
03:40Yeah.
03:41Yeah, it's strong, lovely stuff.
03:42OK.
03:43All right, Sam.
03:44Hello, mate.
03:45What have you brought?
03:46It's a drum kit.
03:47Oh.
03:48It's a nice drum kit.
03:49Someone will win that.
03:50Really?
03:51That's just a nice prize.
03:53Now I realise it's quite, um...
03:55I should have done better, I think.
03:57LAUGHTER
03:58I did find a dildo in the kick drum, actually,
04:00when we were putting them together.
04:01True story, we used to stick the dildo
04:03right where the beater would hit at the front,
04:05and obviously the drummer can't see it,
04:07but the crowd can through that hole.
04:09And every time you'd hit it, it would wag.
04:12LAUGHTER
04:13I haven't included the dildo today.
04:16Oh.
04:17Shut off.
04:18Shut off.
04:19Suddenly the prize is worthless.
04:21LAUGHTER
04:24Susie.
04:25So I have brought a piñata of Alex's head.
04:30Oh.
04:31Good.
04:32Because it's a wonderful thing to whack,
04:34and also you have such an amazing brain, Alex,
04:36we all want to know what's in it.
04:38Oh, thank you.
04:40Here is a piñata.
04:41Oh.
04:42LAUGHTER
04:43Oh, my God, it's so good.
04:45So this one is filled with chocolate coins,
04:48because, Greg, I know if there's anything you like more than money,
04:51it's money you can eat.
04:52LAUGHTER
04:54My God.
04:55I feel seen.
04:57LAUGHTER
04:58I should have filled it with dildos,
05:00and then...
05:02It's strong, Susie.
05:04It's strong.
05:05Hello, Rose.
05:06What have you brought in, please?
05:08Basically, I brought in a slice of cheese.
05:10Yes, he has.
05:11A slice of cheese?
05:12I know that this looks like I'm not good.
05:14It looks like I'm not putting in a lot of effort.
05:16It does.
05:17Yes.
05:18But I created a video specially for you
05:21to explain why I think it's so wonderful to whack with.
05:24Yes.
05:25This is Rose whacking the cheese.
05:27You're back in the game.
05:43Right, shall I score it?
05:44Go for it.
05:45I think, and the drum kit's a wonderful thing to whack,
05:48but I think it's a bit Route 1 wacky.
05:50But I also think it's a lovely drum kit,
05:52so I'm not going to give it one point.
05:54I'm going to give Sam two points.
05:55I want to see Roy Keane whack someone.
05:58I want to see Big Zoo punch you in the face.
06:01I'm giving them three points.
06:03OK.
06:04Four points goes to Susie,
06:05but I'm going to give five points,
06:06because no-one can beat cheese being slapped all over the place.
06:08I'm going to give five points to Rose.
06:10Well done, Rose.
06:11OK.
06:12Well done.
06:13Let's see them in action properly, shall we?
06:17What's for starters, little Alex Hahn?
06:19Well, this task might make you think
06:21it was inspired by the popular dating app Grindr,
06:23because it involves prodding a bear.
06:25LAUGHTER
06:27Come in, Sam, Ryder.
06:44Buzzing for this one.
06:46This room's mad.
06:48It's his room.
06:50Hello.
06:51Enjoying the chair?
06:53This one, yeah, I do like this one.
06:55Yeah.
06:56It's quite low.
06:57It's making me feel a bit inferior,
06:58because you're on a very high stool.
07:00Ooh, that looked pretty.
07:02It's pretty and practical.
07:04Practical?
07:05Mm-hm.
07:06Another day, another letter.
07:09Oh, gosh.
07:10Prod the bear.
07:11Don't that mean just stabbing them?
07:13Well, gently.
07:15Fastest wins, your time...
07:18Pardon?
07:19I don't want to finish it,
07:20because every time I say your time starts now, you...
07:22Oh, you've just said it.
07:23LAUGHTER
07:25Is the bear in multiple locations?
07:27You can't tell me.
07:28Is the bear in here?
07:29I don't...
07:30I just don't know, Big Zoo.
07:31Oh, come on.
07:32APPLAUSE
07:33Nice.
07:34OK.
07:36Amazing.
07:37I mean, Sam thinks it's safe to use the phrase,
07:39your time starts now.
07:41LAUGHTER
07:42We're trying to avoid saying your time starts now.
07:46Fake start.
07:48This bodes badly.
07:49Let's go.
07:50Let's go.
07:51Let's go.
07:52All right, well, we begin with two consummate professionals
07:54who, up to this point in their careers,
07:56have been widely admired.
07:57It is Sam Ryder and Jill Scott, MBE.
08:00Prod a bear.
08:03Um...
08:05Well, if the table was bear,
08:07could I just prod the table?
08:10Being bear?
08:11You think.
08:12I don't feel like that's telling.
08:14I'm looking for a bear.
08:15I'm looking for a bear.
08:16I'm looking for a bear.
08:17Bear in the loo.
08:18I'm looking for a bear.
08:19Any bears in here?
08:21Anybody seen a bear?
08:22Trod.
08:23Nothing.
08:25The...
08:28Bear.
08:31It'd be fair.
08:32Greg's like a big bear.
08:33He won't like that.
08:35Well, I'll write it down, but I don't think you're finished.
08:39Oh, I'll keep looking.
08:42Yeah, you'd think there might be some clues.
08:44Bear.
08:45Not a bear in there.
08:46Not a bear in there.
08:47Not a bear in there.
08:48You've got...
08:49The thing is, there's so much shit in this house.
08:50Pardon?
08:52What is a bear?
08:53Yeah, we've tried to help you.
08:55Is this you helping?
08:58Is this a bear?
09:00It's a cat, but does it...
09:01It doesn't count, does it?
09:02I shouldn't have to tell you...
09:04Yeah.
09:05What a bear is.
09:06I see flags.
09:07Ah.
09:08What would the flags mean?
09:10Am I hot or cold?
09:12That's a very good question.
09:15Rabbits.
09:16I'm seeing every single animal apart from a bear.
09:19Have you ever been to Sweden?
09:21Yeah.
09:22What was it like?
09:23It was OK.
09:24What was Norway like?
09:25It was nice.
09:27Do you know anything about Greenland?
09:28It's green.
09:31Flags.
09:32They're new.
09:33Oh, yeah.
09:34They're nothing to do with this, are they?
09:35Quite often, we put things around that aren't relevant, yeah.
09:40Oh!
09:42What's that?
09:43It's a World Cup.
09:45Not all about football gel.
09:47Salamanders, ducks, hens.
09:50Ever been to the Seychelles?
09:51No.
09:52I've heard it's nice, though.
09:53I haven't been in the lab.
09:54I should have gone to the lab, shouldn't I?
09:56Oh, fuck off.
10:00Think like a bear.
10:01Reach for the stars.
10:02Be brave.
10:03The great bear is always watching over you.
10:06It's summing up a bull.
10:08Right.
10:10But there's nothing here.
10:11You must always hold your stick aloft.
10:15Mr Bear will be back in a tick.
10:17Tick, loft, those two are in italics.
10:21You don't have a loft in here.
10:23You're never more than 15 steps from a bear.
10:27One, two, three.
10:29So that would be up there.
10:32It's got a little flag on it, and there's other flags around the house.
10:35Oh, you bastard!
10:37Oh, you bastard!
10:39Oh, you bastard!
10:41Oh, you bastard!
10:42Bastard, bastard!
10:46I've stopped the fog.
10:47I've stopped it myself!
10:50Oh!
10:54OK.
10:55Ah!
10:56Ah!
10:57Ah!
10:58Ah!
11:00Have you followed the bear?
11:01I've followed it.
11:06OK.
11:07I thought Sam seemed very close to breaking this early on.
11:10Throughout that, I wrote down some of his quotes.
11:13There's just so much shit in this place.
11:15LAUGHTER
11:17You, Jill, different demeanour.
11:18Have you been offered a truffle show yet, Jill?
11:21Some of the reviews that Jill did of countries there.
11:25Sweden, OK.
11:27Norway, nice.
11:28Greenland, green.
11:30Are you supposed to say shells?
11:31No, I've heard it's nice.
11:33Done.
11:35That's it, Jill's world.
11:37Let's see two more.
11:39Well, now it's time for two more people with an MBE.
11:41One loves the OED, the other studied at DYT and UCA.
11:44Also, I have IBS, TMI, I don't know.
11:47It's Susie and Rose.
11:50OK, I'm going out.
11:52OK.
11:53Nice to see you.
11:54Yeah, lovely to see you.
11:55Oh, flags.
11:57Wait a bit.
12:00That might be outside.
12:01Outside, OK.
12:02That's Barbados.
12:04Seychelles.
12:06Don't know that one.
12:08Broad de Baer.
12:10It's not an anagram, is it?
12:12Not everything's an anagram.
12:14That's such a shame.
12:16Iceland.
12:18They're a different country, Vlad.
12:20Greenland.
12:22Maraguay.
12:24Japan.
12:26Have you been to Iceland?
12:27Yeah.
12:28What was it like?
12:29Very cold.
12:30Cold, interesting.
12:32Are we talking about polar bears?
12:35They're getting warmer or colder.
12:38Cold.
12:40Cold.
12:42Interesting.
12:43Yeah!
12:44So they're telling me,
12:45oh, that's very cold,
12:46and now I'm getting warmer.
12:48It's also a climate.
12:49Could be.
12:50Do I have to look in an oven?
12:55And it here goes hot out, isn't it?
12:57Oh, what's that?
12:58Oh, that's maybe the hottest country.
12:59Ah!
13:01That's top o'clock.
13:05Look up.
13:10Have you got a loft at home?
13:11I do.
13:12And I have, like, a hooky thing.
13:14Right.
13:15But this is not really a hooky thing.
13:18Ah!
13:21Yeah!
13:23OK, I thought we could.
13:28It seemed to me Rose was fast.
13:29I don't know.
13:30You were fast and pleased with yourself when you solved the riddle.
13:34I was so satisfied.
13:35It's like a sci-fi.
13:36Susie, you seemed to pretty much lose interest when you realised this wasn't anagram based.
13:43That is the story of my life.
13:45OK, time for our first break.
13:47And, Alex, Happy New Year, mate.
13:49Are you excited?
13:50Oh, please.
13:52LAUGHTER
13:54APPLAUSE
14:03Hello!
14:04Welcome back to our New Year's treat.
14:07It's 2026 and the robots haven't taken over yet.
14:11Hmm, and that's a joke which could age very badly.
14:14LAUGHTER
14:15The current task has seen our cast try to find the bear as quickly as possible
14:18and then prod it.
14:19Only one person to go.
14:21And very much like Twycross, the large wildlife attraction in Leicestershire,
14:25it's Big Zoo.
14:27CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
14:30Who are you, bear?
14:31You're probably not in the lab.
14:36It's not here.
14:37What do you find in the lab?
14:38Nothing in the lab?
14:39No, there's a couple things in there, but not a bear.
14:43The kitchen.
14:45Why are there so many countries?
14:47Why is it like an ethnic bear?
14:49There's multiple flags.
14:51Yes.
14:52You recognise any of them?
14:53Yeah, America.
14:54Yep.
14:56That one.
14:57Greenham.
14:58There's a holiday.
14:59Ooh, it's a bear.
15:00It's a bear, yeah.
15:01OK.
15:03Where's the bear?
15:05You're not helping.
15:06No, no, I see that.
15:07We're just gonna be friends.
15:11Feeling like a bear, reach for the stars.
15:12The bear must be on the roof.
15:23The roof.
15:24Oh, no, man.
15:25I've looked up.
15:26I've looked around.
15:27The clues don't help, man.
15:28No, I see that.
15:29Yeah.
15:30I can see a bear head.
15:31Right there.
15:32Yeah.
15:33I can see a bear head.
15:34Yeah.
15:35I can see a bear head.
15:36Right there.
15:37I declare myself golden.
15:38Let's go to court.
15:39For a young man, you look, for most of it, like an irritated grand.
15:42Just wandering around.
15:43When you're in there, things change, bro.
15:44Yeah.
15:45It's mad pressure in that yard.
15:46He didn't appear stressed.
15:47He was very close to giving up.
15:48And we didn't know there was that bear head in the garage.
15:50Yeah, that was just my chance.
15:51That's my old task.
15:52Well, thank God you happened upon that.
15:53It did take nearly half an hour.
15:56A good ten minutes more than anyone else, so it is one point to Big Zoo.
15:59One point, Big Zoo.
16:00One point to Big Zoo.
16:01The rest were very close to.
16:02The two are close.
16:03One point to Big Zoo.
16:04The rest were very close to Big Zoo.
16:05He didn't appear stressed.
16:07He was very close to giving up, and we didn't know there was that
16:09bare head in the garage, didn't we?
16:11Yeah, that was just my touch! That's my old touch.
16:13Well, thank God you happened upon that.
16:15It did take nearly half an hour.
16:17A good ten minutes more than anyone else, so it is one point to Big Zoo.
16:20One point, Big Zoo. One point to Big Zoo.
16:22The rest were very close.
16:23Susie, you were fourth, 16 minutes 30.
16:26Just behind Sam, 15 minutes and three seconds.
16:29You were 15 seconds slower than Jill.
16:31You would have been quicker if you'd left the living room quicker.
16:33You come second with 14 minutes 48.
16:35But Rose was the fastest with 13 minutes...
16:41Is it score time?
16:42It is, and there is one person in the lead with the perfect ten so far.
16:45It is Rose Ellingham.
16:51What have we got next, Alex?
16:53With a nod, a wink, a cough and a clap, we have Dice.
16:57Hello, hello. Hello, Rose. Hi.
17:13Yeah, I feel like I'm in a butcher's.
17:15You've got a briefcase, a bays and a metronome.
17:17Yeah. What did you call this?
17:18I went for bays.
17:19Bays?
17:20Bays.
17:21Bays.
17:22All right, cool. Bays. All right, go on.
17:23And a briefcase.
17:24Briefcase.
17:25I'm a bit scared.
17:27You tried to make a TM out of the dice.
17:30Why is everything so branded, bro?
17:32Right.
17:33Throw one or more dice to get a number.
17:36Then clap, cough, nod and blink.
17:39That number of times before the next flash.
17:43If you do not complete the sequence before the next flash,
17:46the task is over.
17:48At the end of the task, your total number of completed sequences
17:51will be multiplied by your number of dice to give you a score.
17:55High score wins.
17:57You must use your number of a dice in the next minute
17:59and you must berate yourself throughout the task.
18:02And you must berate yourself throughout the task.
18:05Your time will start on the first flash.
18:08OK, I can't do a practice, can I?
18:10Yeah, you can't.
18:11BUZZER
18:12BUZZER
18:13BUZZER
18:14BUZZER
18:15BUZZER
18:21Good.
18:22Well, I think we all understand the task this time, do we?
18:25It's complicated, but it all makes sense when we do it.
18:27It will.
18:28One sits in a dictionary corner, one takes corners,
18:31and the other one is Big Zoo.
18:33Here we go.
18:34LAUGHTER
18:35I'm going to go for two.
18:36Two.
18:37OK, perfect.
18:38Yeah, which is brave.
18:39Right.
18:40I'm just going to go for two dice.
18:41I know my limits.
18:42I was a safe midfielder.
18:44Should I go for five dice?
18:45No.
18:46I don't know.
18:47I don't want to get influenced by you, man.
18:49I'm going to go for four.
18:50OK.
18:51Four dice.
18:52Your time starts now.
18:54I'm tired about this kind of thing.
18:56Eight.
18:58So I get 30 seconds?
18:59Yeah.
19:00Eight.
19:01Six.
19:02Six.
19:07Cool.
19:08OK.
19:10I'll wait for the next clash.
19:12Yeah.
19:13Quite an awkward gap now before the next one.
19:15OK.
19:16Maybe I should have had more dice.
19:18Oh, did it go?
19:19It went.
19:20Nine.
19:21Six.
19:22Nine.
19:23Eleven.
19:24Seventeen.
19:25Cough.
19:26Cough.
19:27Cough.
19:28Cough.
19:29Cough.
19:30Cough.
19:31Cough.
19:32Cough.
19:33Cough.
19:34Cough.
19:35Cough.
19:36Cough.
19:37Cough.
19:38Cough.
19:39Cough.
19:40Cough.
19:41Cough.
19:42I think I'm blinking throughout anywhere.
19:43Seven.
19:44Oh, nine.
19:46Cough.
19:47Cough.
19:48Fourteen.
19:49Cough.
19:50Fourteen.
19:51Cough.
19:52Cough.
19:53We've got twelve.
19:54Cough.
19:55So are you counting them at all?
19:57No.
19:58No, right.
19:59Cough.
20:00Cough.
20:01Cough.
20:02I did them all.
20:03I've just realised.
20:05That's got to definitely add more dice.
20:07I'm going to cough and blink at the same time.
20:09Great.
20:10Seven.
20:11Cough.
20:12Cough.
20:13Cough.
20:14Easy.
20:15Why didn't I think about this at the beginning?
20:17Cough.
20:18Cough.
20:19Cough.
20:20Cough.
20:21Oh, my boy.
20:22What kind of game?
20:23Cough.
20:24Cough.
20:25Cough.
20:26And go again.
20:27Oh, my God.
20:28Oh, my God.
20:30Cough.
20:31Ah, it's torture man.
20:32Still in.
20:33Come on.
20:34Cough.
20:35Cough.
20:36Cough.
20:37Cough.
20:38Oh.
20:39Oh.
20:40Cough.
20:41I'm old. I didn't complete it, Alex.
20:43That's just classic me, I'm afraid.
20:46I did warn you before I came on, and you said you'll be fine,
20:48and I told you I wouldn't... You don't have to write yourself.
20:50Do I not? I'm fine.
20:52Look, I'm the vomit, bro. OK, do you want to go?
20:54You can't make someone cough that many times.
20:56No, OK, you should go.
20:58I don't know why I was so important.
21:01The thing that fascinated me about you, Susie, really, is your cough.
21:06I started to think you might be AI, Jeremy.
21:09The great thing about you, Big Zoo, is you're a one-man argument.
21:11Shall I go for five dice? No. I'm going to go for four dice.
21:14I feel like I'm going to vomit, bro.
21:16You can't make people cough that many times.
21:18Alex was silent throughout all of it.
21:22Oh, right.
21:23I do, unfortunately, have to tell one of them that something bad happened.
21:28Oh. Are you having fun? I am.
21:30OK. So, like, I'm going to do six claps.
21:35BUZZER
21:36You could have told us that then, so I just stopped,
21:40but your letters go all the way to the end.
21:42Yeah. Yeah.
21:43I mean, I've said it a thousand times, the guy's a prick.
21:45LAUGHTER
21:47I agree.
21:49Time to tick off part two of this treat. Begone!
21:52APPLAUSE
21:53Hello.
21:54We're part way through a task which has seen the cast coughing and clapping.
22:09Yes, and nodding and blinking and rolling dice.
22:13Two people left to go and the task is set in the confined space of the lab,
22:17which was fine for Rose, but I was slightly worried about Sam,
22:20as I'd heard he's more of a spaceman.
22:23Here's how they do it.
22:24LAUGHTER
22:26Oh, I get it. I'm going to just pick one.
22:28One? OK.
22:29Imagine having 12 and then you have to cough 12 times, clap 12 times,
22:32nod 12 times and blink 12 times in 30 seconds.
22:35Now, one dice.
22:36Sam, how many dice have you chosen?
22:38Ten.
22:39Here we go.
22:44Throw the dice.
22:48Idiot!
22:57One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.
23:00One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.
23:02Now, Rose, why did you do that 12 times?
23:05Because I've...
23:06LAUGHTER
23:09As long as you do more, it's OK.
23:11OK.
23:12That's a bad start.
23:14Oh!
23:1735 of your total.
23:1927.
23:21Four.
23:22One, two, three, four.
23:23One, two, three, four.
23:24One, two, three, five.
23:25Cough, cough, cough.
23:27What did I do?
23:28Did I get a cough?
23:30No, didn't I?
23:32And I blinked.
23:33I'm two, three, four.
23:34I'm down hot and sweaty.
23:35Mmm.
23:36I think it's good you chose one, guys.
23:37Oh!
23:4031.
23:41Low number.
23:4349.
23:44Ooh!
23:45Shuck your number up!
23:48Three.
23:49One, two, three.
23:50One, two, three.
23:51One, two, three.
23:52Cough, cough.
23:53I'm getting into a routine of it, but I'm still rubbish at it.
23:56Yes, I think you are.
23:57Yeah.
23:58You're fine.
23:59One, two, three.
24:00All right.
24:01One, two, three.
24:05Wah.
24:06OK, this should be OK.
24:14Blinking.
24:17Flash.
24:21Flash!
24:22Flash!
24:24HE SIGHS
24:26HE SIGHS
24:28The gap is getting really quite small now.
24:31HE SIGHS
24:33HE SIGHS
24:35This stopped.
24:36Flash. Flash. Flash.
24:39HE SIGHS
24:41How did you think that went?
24:43Erm, I need a honey drink.
24:46I felt ashamed, actually, in some part.
24:50See you in a bit.
24:51See you, Sam.
24:52CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
24:58How did you feel you did on that?
25:01I feel like maybe I need to go to the doctor
25:03and check my short-term memories.
25:05Yeah.
25:06You go to the doctor.
25:08Compared to this madness,
25:10you were like a professional dice player.
25:13LAUGHTER
25:16At what point did you regret picking that many dice, Sam?
25:19Oh, mate, quite quick, actually.
25:20We did allow it.
25:21If you went over the number, it was fine,
25:22because there's no way you could do the maths on the dice quick enough.
25:25Unfortunately...
25:26LAUGHTER
25:28In the first round...
25:30LAUGHTER
25:31Oh, no!
25:33He needed 35 of each,
25:35and he blinked 16 times and coughed 12 times.
25:38LAUGHTER
25:39Ten times zero, unfortunately, is zero.
25:42Oh!
25:43Sam scores zero, but you do get one point for coming last.
25:45Really?
25:46Yeah.
25:47Rose chose one dice.
25:48Unfortunately, on the ninth time, she was meant to nod six times
25:51and only nodded four times because she was muddled,
25:53so you get a total of eight, and you're in fourth place.
25:56Oh!
25:57Jill, obviously, you can count to six, unfortunately,
25:59so you stopped at six, but times two, that's 12.
26:02You're in third place.
26:03Zoo, you got to 11.
26:0511 throws times four, which is 44.
26:07Ooh!
26:08But Susie, with her two dice, didn't make a mistake for 27 times.
26:1127 times two at 54.
26:13Susie gets five points!
26:14CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
26:16Well done.
26:17I'd really love to see another task, please, Alex.
26:20Oh, he would, cos he's keen, he's mean, he's goddamn lean.
26:23Yes, he's Greg.
26:24And like Greg, the next task really goes the distance.
26:28LAUGHTER
26:29Hello.
26:45Hello.
26:47Come in.
26:50Very welcome to the caravan.
26:52Oh, hello.
26:53Oh, I did it wrong.
26:54Welcome to the caravan.
26:55That's not right.
26:56What was this?
26:57What did I say?
26:58I think you've just spoken your face.
27:02Nice cup of tea? Oh, lovely.
27:04Nice to have a biscuit with some chocolate with that.
27:06I know. Are you going to give us one?
27:08Oh! I'm intrigued by that chocolate bar.
27:12Do you know what it is? Is it a Mars bar? No.
27:14Is it a Snickers? What's that?
27:17Marathon. Oh, maybe.
27:18Does this mean that this task is going to be a marathon?
27:24Yes.
27:25Do a something-a-thon for a full 20 minutes.
27:31Most inspiring something-a-thon,
27:34successfully accomplished wins.
27:36You have five minutes to choose your something.
27:40Your time's tossing now.
27:43What, this? Yeah.
27:45What's in it, though? No one knew.
27:46It's probably some beans or something.
27:50Not doing it.
27:52Not now.
27:53No.
27:53So, what do you mean?
27:58A something-a-thon.
28:00A something-a-thon.
28:01Something inspiring for the kids.
28:05Oh, yeah.
28:10I'm thinking motivational speech.
28:12What about I learn how to speak French or something?
28:15Because I'm sure it's very inspiring for a deaf person to learn a new language.
28:19You think that's inspiring?
28:21No.
28:21You think you'll change people?
28:24I feel that often.
28:25How often do you inspire people?
28:28I didn't mean to.
28:29Right.
28:30It's just happened.
28:32I just sit and drink cups of tea.
28:34Have you ever done a sponsor of something before?
28:37Just walks.
28:39Go to sleep.
28:39That's not very inspiring, either.
28:41Walking and sleeping so far.
28:42Walking and sleeping.
28:4320 minutes of me frying eggs.
28:48Maybe I could just walk around with a tyre around my neck or something.
28:52I'm writing it down.
28:54Is that a thing?
28:56Don't.
28:56Hmm.
28:57Hmm.
29:00These are really good tasks.
29:02I can see how you're the taskmaster.
29:04This is assistant.
29:05Oh, assistant.
29:06Yeah, great.
29:06But he's not here, so.
29:09We'll just pretend it's you.
29:11Really?
29:11Yeah.
29:12It's like when I was vice-captain, when Steph Horton wasn't there, I used to tell people I was captain.
29:16Yeah.
29:22You wouldn't be telling people you were the taskmaster, would you?
29:26No.
29:26No, because Dad would be very cross.
29:29Good.
29:30Let's get inspired.
29:31Well, one knows words and the other woes nerds.
29:34That's right.
29:34It's Susie Dent and Big Zoom.
29:37I'm Susie Dent and I am going to try a Maximathon, because I'm going to do as many English maxims or sayings as I can do in 20 minutes.
29:47So, here goes.
29:52Hello, Big Zoom.
30:03What are you going to do?
30:04I'm going to do a rap-a-phone.
30:06Full 20 minutes?
30:0720 minitos.
30:08Your time starts now.
30:10My name is Big Zoom.
30:12I'm going to show you what I do.
30:13Wait.
30:14Let's get back.
30:15Oh.
30:16Sorry, let's get back there.
30:22B-I-G-Z-W-U.
30:31If you can't spell, I will spell it for you.
30:33B-I-G to the Z-W-U.
30:35I'm here to inspire the entire crew.
30:37If you're a kid sitting in school and you're thinking this isn't cool, don't worry.
30:42One day you can pick up a tool and you can be a boat builder.
30:46That could be you.
30:47I'm with a different flavor.
30:54It was on track, slipped from my brain, and I don't lack, and I don't slack.
30:58We're half way.
30:59No.
31:00Rap-a-phone.
31:01Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
31:03Remix, I like cake, and I like a slice.
31:06If you're not inspired, then you are lost in the field.
31:10How do you say that?
31:11Big Zoom?
31:12In the field?
31:12Yeah.
31:13And I'm really grilled.
31:13See me on the screen like your bill for 20 minutes nothing for man big I'm bigger than man
31:27I am the sergeant tell me what it is if you ain't inspired you may listen to the live on the quiet
31:32That W you don't know the name the IG that W. I'm done
31:43I'm playing to type see but I was fairly engaged right well
31:50Totally engaged throughout I was
31:54Big suit, I'm no rapper
31:58Should they rhyme
32:01Depending on the time yeah
32:04There were over 50 references to food in the rap
32:09To do that to me
32:11He rapped for ages you told me well 20 minutes. Yeah. Yeah, that's what they have to do
32:17And it was all from the top of my mind freestyle none of it was written before no way
32:24They were both enjoyable yeah now for that which we call a rose
32:29Hello Rose. Hello. What is going to be your something-a-thon. I'm going to do a mood-a-thon
32:36Mm-hmm and twinkle twinkle a liquid star
32:41Different music instrument. Oh god
32:44You ready? I'm ready to be inspired. Thank you. Your 20 minutes starts now
33:06What's it called glockenspiel? There you go
33:19I'm gonna do a movie-a-thon
33:22Oh
33:25Oh
33:27Oh
33:30Oh
33:32Oh
33:34Oh
33:37Oh
33:38Oh
33:40Oh
33:42Oh
33:44Oh
33:44Oh
33:45Oh
33:45Wow.
33:59WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP
34:08How I wonder what you are
34:15I feel like one of those nopeds that are around a fire.
34:18So...
34:20Oh, hello!
34:21You've got 30 seconds left.
34:23There's one more intimate. This one, I love this one.
34:26What's this one called?
34:28No idea.
34:40Wow!
34:42Isn't that inspirational enough?
34:49It was fairly inspirational. There was a lot going on there.
34:52What was the problem with the pipe thing?
34:54It just made me laugh. I think it's funny.
34:56It looked funny.
34:58And what the problem is was Toby, my interpreter, and Alec,
35:01they both were laughing.
35:03So, they wasn't clear of trying so hard.
35:06So it made me laugh.
35:08So what you're saying is your interpreter let you down on this task?
35:11Yeah.
35:12Well, I almost have to send her out the room because she kept me down.
35:16And then I realised I wouldn't understand what Alec was saying.
35:19So I had to teach her.
35:20She had to say she let you down on...
35:21Yeah.
35:22Get rid.
35:23Get rid.
35:24It's really best you're not here, ain't she?
35:25Oh, my God.
35:26All right, just one part to go.
35:27In it, a hugely successful professional will win and take home a slice of processed cheese.
35:40It'll be embarrassing for them, embarrassing for the show, and will make us all question if it's really that bad that humans are on their way out.
35:48We'll see you soon.
35:49APPLAUSE
35:59Hello!
36:01Welcome back to part four of part one of this two-part festive special.
36:06Before the break, the task involves trying to achieve the most inspiring-a-thon.
36:11Yes, that's right, Greg, and coincidentally, I'm wearing a thong.
36:14Finally, one won the Euros and one nearly won Eurovision, which is wonderful, but which one won which one?
36:21One wonders.
36:22It's Jill and Sam.
36:24Good.
36:25APPLAUSE
36:26OK, your 20 minutes is tough now.
36:29I came to Taskmaster and met a random man.
36:34He told me to meet him in his caravan.
36:37He offered me a chocolate bar, he said I'd feel better.
36:41Then he handed me an envelope with a crisp white letter.
36:46I said to him, where's that guy that's tall?
36:50I've heard that he really loves football.
36:53I reckon he would have a decent right peg.
36:56He goes by the name of Mr Greg.
37:00I went to Taskmaster and met a random man.
37:04He told us to meet him in his caravan.
37:08He said to me, follow me into my caravan.
37:11Don't know why it's getting dirtier.
37:13We're halfway.
37:14Yeah.
37:15Yeah.
37:16He offered me a chocolate bar.
37:17He said I'd feel better.
37:20I went to Taskmaster and met a weird man.
37:22Two and a half minutes, Jill.
37:23He said to me, follow me into my caravan.
37:24Don't know why it's getting dirtier.
37:26We're halfway.
37:27Guess what, guys?
37:28I went to Taskmaster and met a weird man.
37:31Two and a half minutes, Jill.
37:32He said to me, follow me into my caravan.
37:35Don't know why it's getting dirtier.
37:37We're halfway.
37:39Guess what, guys?
37:41I went to Taskmaster and met a weird man.
37:48I've got sweat in my eyeball.
37:51Let's speed it up, everybody.
38:06We're in the final minute, Jill.
38:12This is hard work.
38:15I'm going to do it.
38:20I said to him, where's that guy that's tall?
38:25I've heard that he really loves football.
38:29I reckon he'd have a decent right peg.
38:40He goes by the name of Mr. Greg!
38:46For 20 minutes.
38:48That was amazing.
38:51That's 20 minutes up, Sam.
38:58See you later.
38:59Thanks, mate.
39:00I'll see you.
39:01I'll see you.
39:07Genuinely inspirational football skills.
39:10Lovely to watch.
39:11And I don't care what anyone says,
39:12I think the North East accent's well-suited to poetry.
39:15So, well done is how I'd like to start my feedback.
39:19And then I'd like to continue it with this.
39:21Is everything all right, Sam?
39:23No.
39:24I'm in bed.
39:25I mean, correct me if I'm wrong,
39:27but you blew up an airbed and then you humped it, right?
39:30No.
39:32I just...
39:33I inflated it and deflated it four times in a row.
39:35Three times.
39:36Three times?
39:37Three times.
39:38I'm annoyed because I've been telling all my mates
39:39I did it four times in 20 minutes.
39:41All right.
39:42I'm going to give two points to Sam Ryder and to Susie.
39:46Because I felt similarly inspired by both of them.
39:50Giving three to the multiple musical instruments.
39:55So what is there?
39:56Is it the incredible international football skills
39:59or is it you just rapping nonsense for 20 minutes?
40:03Nonsense?
40:04Yeah.
40:05No.
40:06Come on.
40:07Inspirational quotes were in there.
40:08Give me one inspirational quote and that will make the decision for me.
40:11If you can't spell B-I-G-Z-W...
40:16...Big Zoo.
40:17LAUGHTER
40:19Four points to Big Zoo.
40:20Five points to Jill.
40:22APPLAUSE
40:24OK.
40:25A peek at the scores, perhaps?
40:28Of course.
40:29Well, Sam is way out in the back with eight.
40:33At the front we've got Jill on 15 and Rose on 15.
40:36Wow.
40:37All right.
40:38APPLAUSE
40:39There we go.
40:40Oh!
40:41All to play for.
40:43OK, everyone, just one more thing to do.
40:45Please make your way to the stage for the final task of the show!
40:48APPLAUSE
40:49Who's going to read the task out?
40:52I think Rose is going to read the task out.
40:54Put your item in Greg's special order.
40:57Reveal the items, Greg.
40:59Oh!
41:00Oh!
41:01After each shuffle, Greg will tell you how many items are in the correct position.
41:04But not which one.
41:05The first to get the correct order wins.
41:06Your time starts now.
41:07What about now?
41:08No, no.
41:09Your time does not start now.
41:10No, that's...
41:11Oh, no, no.
41:12OK.
41:13So why did you write it down, then?
41:14APPLAUSE
41:15What I did was I made a mistake.
41:17LAUGHTER
41:18There's only one winner.
41:19One person's going to get five points.
41:20If two people get it on the same go, they both get five points.
41:23It is time for the first shuffle.
41:25Ten seconds.
41:26You've got...
41:27Not long.
41:28One.
41:29One.
41:30One.
41:31One.
41:32One.
41:33One.
41:34One.
41:35One.
41:36One.
41:37One.
41:38One.
41:39One.
41:40One.
41:41One.
41:42One.
41:43One.
41:44One.
41:45One.
41:46One.
41:47One.
41:48Don't have to shuffle, of course.
41:50And shuffle.
41:51Greg's going to go down the line and say how many you've got right.
41:54Big Zoo, you have got two right.
41:58That's so annoying.
42:00LAUGHTER
42:01Jill, you have got zero right.
42:08LAUGHTER
42:09Rose, zero right.
42:14Sam, two right.
42:16Ooh.
42:17Susie.
42:18Zero.
42:19Right.
42:20Second shuffle.
42:21Oh.
42:22Stop shuffling.
42:23Big Zoo has got two right.
42:24Oh, for fuck's sake.
42:25LAUGHTER
42:26One, Jill.
42:27Are you sure?
42:28Two.
42:29Yeah, two, Jill.
42:30LAUGHTER
42:31Two.
42:32Two.
42:33Two.
42:34One, Sam.
42:35Bastard.
42:36OK, yep.
42:37Er...
42:38One...
42:39Two.
42:40Two.
42:41Two.
42:42Two.
42:43Two.
42:44Two.
42:45Two.
42:47One, Sam.
42:48Bastard.
42:49OK, yep.
42:50Er...
42:51One...
42:52Two.
42:53Two.
42:54Two.
42:55So we have four twos and one one.
42:57They're inching close.
42:58Next shuffle.
42:59Next shuffle.
43:00WHISTLE BLOWS
43:02Gosh, we really could be here for hours.
43:04LAUGHTER
43:05Oh.
43:06Oh.
43:07Zoo.
43:09Two.
43:10Consistent.
43:12Jill.
43:13One.
43:14Rose.
43:15One.
43:16Sam.
43:17Uh-oh.
43:18Uh-oh.
43:19This is putting the cat amongst the pigeons.
43:21Three.
43:22Oh!
43:23Oh!
43:24Susie.
43:25One.
43:26Shuffle.
43:27Ah, shit.
43:29There we go.
43:30Oh, my butt gets broke.
43:36Shuffle plum is up.
43:37So some late shuffling.
43:39Some very late shuffling.
43:41Zoo.
43:42Three.
43:43Hey!
43:44Jill.
43:45One.
43:46Rose.
43:47One.
43:48Sam was on three.
43:49He's now on...
43:50Two.
43:51Oh, shit.
43:52Susie is on...
43:53One.
43:54Off we go.
43:55One.
43:56One.
43:57One.
43:58One.
43:59How is that possible?
44:00Zero.
44:01One.
44:02How is that possible?
44:03Zero.
44:04One.
44:05One.
44:06One.
44:07One.
44:08One.
44:09One.
44:10Three.
44:11One.
44:12One.
44:13One.
44:14One.
44:15Three.
44:17Oh.
44:18One.
44:19One.
44:20None!
44:21NONE!
44:25That's about to fucking jump over.
44:29Come on, Sam, just swap the right...
44:33Swap the two that are right, please.
44:37And...
44:38Stop shuffling. Do we have a winner?
44:40Please have a winner.
44:41One.
44:42One for two.
44:43Ah, wrong.
44:44One, Jill.
44:45Ah.
44:46Three, Rose.
44:48Three.
44:49Three.
44:51It's one.
44:52Did I?
44:53OK.
44:54Two for Susie.
44:55And on this occasion, Sam has got...
44:58Five wins!
45:04And the special order, of course, is the alphabetical order.
45:08Each one starts with the same letter as your own names.
45:10You're in that order, too.
45:12We're finished.
45:13Let's add those scores for final ones.
45:15Come down and join me!
45:19This has been a class.
45:20Wow!
45:21What a rush that was.
45:22Oh!
45:24Great redemption for Sam.
45:25I needed that, I can't lie.
45:26You did.
45:27I can tell you he's not in last place anymore.
45:30He's in...
45:31How?!
45:32Second last place!
45:33Second last place!
45:35Two people are drawing, though, Greg, because this is the final scoreboard.
45:39Jill and Rose are joint winners!
45:41APPLAUSE
45:42Oh!
45:43Thank you, Rob.
45:44Very close.
45:45And you know what that means.
45:46We don't leave things there.
45:48It's a tie-break!
45:49Oh!
45:51All they have to do is answer this question.
45:53What length is my pineapple?
45:56I have a tattoo of a pineapple.
45:58Where?
45:59You know that bit between your balls and rats?
46:01No, no, no.
46:02LAUGHTER
46:03Not personally.
46:05I'm going to give you a card each.
46:07You're going to have ten seconds to write down your answer.
46:09It's closest number.
46:10In millimetres wins.
46:11Maybe three, four, maybe four.
46:14I've noticed no-one's asking me to help.
46:20LAUGHTER
46:21They both were in down numbers.
46:22Yep.
46:23Who would you like to see first?
46:24Roses first.
46:2540.
46:26Oh!
46:2740 millimetres, or four centimetres.
46:28Correct.
46:29Jill?
46:3050 millimetres, or five centimetres.
46:32And now, for the most anticlimactic moment of all time...
46:35LAUGHTER
46:36It is...
46:3882!
46:39It's 82!
46:41APPLAUSE
46:43Joe Scott wins, the first of our New Year's treats.
46:55Please wander up to whack your wonderful winning!
46:58APPLAUSE
47:13APPLAUSE
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