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00:00Music
00:29Welcome to Modern Life is Goodish, where tonight, ladies and gentlemen,
00:33we're going to do something a little different.
00:35We are going to have a special guest.
00:37OOOOOO!
00:39Correct noise.
00:40Now, I want to make sure that I give our special guest
00:43the very best introduction I can,
00:45so I've been studying the various intros available in the showbiz world,
00:49and I think I've decided that the best introduction
00:51is what we in the business call the It Can Only Be intro.
00:56For the uninitiated, that's where the introducer
00:58lays down two or three facts about the introducee
01:01that the audience could triangulate and work out who it could be,
01:04but before your brain has had the chance to come up with the answer,
01:06the introducer is already saying,
01:08Ladies and gentlemen, it can only be...
01:11And you lot are looking at me as if I've lost my mind.
01:14I'll show you what I mean.
01:16For me, the king, the maestro of the It Can Only Be intro,
01:20has got to be Mr Brian Conley.
01:23In the days before he turned into a silver fox,
01:26but while he still had that problem where both his hands share
01:29the same magnetic polarity,
01:30he presented a TV show called The TV That Made Me.
01:34There he is, on the set.
01:36And here he is, ladies and gentlemen, in action.
01:39Welcome to The TV That Made Me.
01:41Yeah, you can see they solved the problem
01:42by gluing his hands to the sofa.
01:44LAUGHTER
01:45Let's watch the It Can Only Be master at work.
01:49My guest today has been the king of the jungle.
01:51Yeah, he's been a king of the jungle.
01:53The star of the square.
01:54Star of the square.
01:55It can only be the one and only...
01:57Well, who can it one and only be, ladies and gentlemen?
02:00Let's work this out for ourselves.
02:02He's given us two bits of information here.
02:03Number one, they are the king of the jungle.
02:06And number two, the star of the square.
02:09What could these phrases mean?
02:11Let's think about the king of the jungle.
02:13It could be, could be,
02:15that he's about to introduce a lion, couldn't it, couldn't it?
02:19Or...
02:20Or he could be about to introduce Tarzan, yeah?
02:24That would also work, wouldn't it?
02:25Or, and I think we know this is the truth, we're British,
02:28we know that when someone in British light-end says
02:31king of the jungle, what they really mean is someone who has won
02:35I'm a celebrity, get me out of here.
02:37What about star of the square?
02:39It could be that he's about to introduce one of the actors
02:43from the obscure 2008 Australian movie, The Square.
02:46LAUGHTER
02:48Or maybe someone from the 2017 Swedish film, The Square.
02:53LAUGHTER
02:54Or one of the many members of the Lewisham-based grime outfit,
02:58The Square, yeah?
03:00We've all got our favourites, haven't we?
03:01We've all got...
03:02Mine's MCD Gilles.
03:04Oh, yeah.
03:05But again, we know it's not going to be those things.
03:07This is daytime telly, and it's Brian Conley doing the talking.
03:10So we know it must mean someone who has been in EastEnders.
03:15Now, how do we solve this riddle?
03:17Easy, with a Venn diagram.
03:18That's how we solve this riddle.
03:19LAUGHTER
03:20What are we looking for here, ladies and gentlemen?
03:22We are looking for someone who fulfils the following criteria.
03:25They have one, I'm a celebrity, get me out of here,
03:28and they have been in EastEnders.
03:30Now, it turns out there are actually two people who live in the intersection
03:33of this particular Venn diagram.
03:35You've got Charlie Brooks, but you've also got Joe Swash.
03:38But Brian said, King of the Jungle, not Queen of the Jungle,
03:40so it must be Joe Swash.
03:42Ladies and gentlemen, let's see if we've worked it out correctly.
03:44Go on, Bri, take it away.
03:45It can only be the one and only Joe Swash!
03:47Oh!
03:48Exactly!
03:50That is how you nail an It Can Only Be intro.
03:53If you do it right, it literally can only be one person,
03:57so you should always be able to work it out.
04:00With that in mind, let's have a look at another one.
04:06Welcome to the TV that may be.
04:07My guest today is a friend to the stars and one in her own right.
04:12It can only be the lovely...
04:17I'm not sure that one's working, is it?
04:19Let's plug this into the Venn diagram.
04:21We have got friend to the stars...
04:25..and a star in her own right.
04:29So what you've got to do now...
04:32..is remove all of the stars...
04:35..who hate all the other stars.
04:37We should be left with just one star.
04:40The only star who is a friend to other stars
04:43and who presumably doesn't realise that none of the other stars like her.
04:47LAUGHTER
04:49I think we're all now thinking of the right person, aren't we?
04:52Let's just satisfy our own curiosity.
04:54It can only be the lovely Alison Hammond!
04:57And look at that face!
05:00Even she's as surprised as you are!
05:03LAUGHTER
05:04She stood backstage thinking, I thought, I was on this show,
05:06he's introducing someone, bloody hell, it's me, I'm off!
05:09LAUGHTER
05:10I'll show you my favourite ever, Brian Connolly,
05:12It Can Only Be Intro.
05:13This is absolutely peachy.
05:15I guess today is one of Britain's most cherished actors.
05:18It can only be...
05:19LAUGHTER
05:20You can't do that!
05:23You can't start by saying, is one of...
05:25LAUGHTER
05:26..and then immediately tell us it can only be.
05:29LAUGHTER
05:30You've just told us it's one of multiple people in a category,
05:33you idiot!
05:34That's not how it works, is it?
05:36Well...
05:37I suppose technically you could, but it wouldn't feel right.
05:40I mean, I'm not saying anyone should ever do this,
05:43I think it's in very poor taste.
05:44I'm only pointing out that there are times
05:46when it would be technically accurate.
05:49If you were to say, my guest today is one of the Bee Gees.
05:53Ladies and gentlemen...
05:54LAUGHTER
05:55..it can only be, that would...
05:56That would technically...
05:57They're just saying it would technically...
05:59I'm just saying technically...
06:00Well, I told you that's funnier than the Chuckle Brothers.
06:03LAUGHTER
06:03I did, I did.
06:04Oh, no, no, no, no, no!
06:07Don't you dare go,
06:08Ooh!
06:10If you laughed at two Bee Gees,
06:12you can't suddenly go, Ooh!
06:13Over one Chuckle.
06:14LAUGHTER
06:15You're the one with the moral compass that's out of whack.
06:21Anyway, the only way I can make sense of this
06:24is if it means the most obvious of Britain's cherished actors,
06:27so I think it must be Britain's most cherished actor.
06:32Right now, you're all rolling through
06:33your little mental roller-decks of Britain's most cherished actors.
06:36Is it Sir Ian McKellen, Dane Judi Dench,
06:39Maggie Smith, Derek Jacoby?
06:41Lower your sights just a little bit.
06:42LAUGHTER
06:44I guarantee that not one of you is thinking of the right answer.
06:47When I tell you the right answer,
06:48not only will you obviously know
06:50that you weren't thinking of the right answer,
06:52you will also know in your gut
06:54that nobody was thinking of the right answer.
06:57LAUGHTER
06:58You just will.
06:59Here we go.
07:00It can only be the legend that is Anita Dobson.
07:04LAUGHTER
07:06Look, I think Anita Dobson is a wonderful actor, I truly do,
07:12but I don't think anyone thinks she's Britain's most cherished actor,
07:15do they?
07:16I mean, maybe Brian May, but maybe not, I don't know.
07:20I don't think even Brian Conley thinks she's Britain's most cherished actor.
07:24In fact, I know he doesn't, because I asked him.
07:26LAUGHTER
07:28I sent him a cheeky little tweet,
07:31at real Brian Conley.
07:33Just a quick question, who would you say is Britain's most cherished actor?
07:36LAUGHTER
07:37No edge, no agenda, Bri, just curious,
07:38just the sort of thing I like to know from people.
07:40I got a reply, got to be Markle Cain for me.
07:44LAUGHTER
07:46I love it when someone who tweets exactly the way you think they talk,
07:49he's the governor.
07:50LAUGHTER
07:52Anyway, the important thing is that we all now understand
07:55how the It Can Only Be intro works.
07:57So let's put it into practice and introduce my special guest this evening.
08:01Ladies and gentlemen, my guest today has been a star of The Square
08:04and is one of Britain's most cherished actors.
08:06He is a one-man walking variety show.
08:08He can do it all, ladies and gentlemen.
08:10He can sing, he can dance, he can present.
08:12Indeed, his presenting gigs have included
08:14the Royal Variety performance and the TV that made me.
08:18LAUGHTER
08:19Ladies and gentlemen, please, put your hands together,
08:22because he can't...
08:23LAUGHTER
08:25..it can only be the legend that is Mr Brian Conley,
08:29ladies and gentlemen.
08:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
08:32Very nicey to be here.
08:39Lovely to be here, Dave. Lovely.
08:42LAUGHTER
08:43If I'm honest, I did think this was going to be the Russell Howard show,
08:46but...
08:47LAUGHTER
08:48So, er...
08:49What do you want me to do?
08:50I want you to do what you do best, which is, like, an introduction.
08:53LAUGHTER
08:55All right, then.
08:57You just introduced the second part of the show, is that all right?
08:59Yeah, yeah, yeah.
09:00OK.
09:01He'll see you after the break.
09:02Cheers.
09:03CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
09:06CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
09:15Welcome back to Modern Life Is Goodish, with me, Brian Conley.
09:19Yes, I have done eight Royal Variety performances,
09:23and now I am here.
09:26LAUGHTER
09:27Anyway, I want to introduce you now.
09:29LAUGHTER
09:32LAUGHTER
09:34The star, please.
09:35APPLAUSE
09:37I want to introduce the star of tonight's show.
09:39He can't sing, he can't dance...
09:42LAUGHTER
09:43..he can't tell jokes.
09:44He just stands in front of the screen,
09:47like a weatherman who's lost his map.
09:49LAUGHTER
09:51It could only be...
09:52..Dave Gorman!
09:54CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
09:55Brian Conley, ladies and gentlemen!
09:57Mr Brian Conley!
09:59APPLAUSE
10:09Do you know what, ladies and gentlemen, there is something
10:12that I need to get off my chest.
10:15In recent times,
10:18I've developed a bit of a bad habit with the old H.
10:24I've just realised what that sounds like.
10:26LAUGHTER
10:27I'm not admitting to a heroin addiction here, ladies and gentlemen.
10:30In fact, can we get rid of this sofa? It's not really helping.
10:32It would be really weird to get Brian Conley to introduce the bit
10:35where I do the heroin confession, wouldn't it?
10:37LAUGHTER
10:38I haven't got a heroin problem.
10:40Honestly, I hardly ever touch the stuff.
10:42LAUGHTER
10:43The bad habit I've developed is with the actual letter H.
10:48I have started mispronouncing the letter H.
10:52I just did it again.
10:53The correct pronunciation, as I'm sure you all know, is H.
10:57It's got a punchy A at the beginning.
10:59It's not H.
11:01I've become a H person, ladies and gentlemen.
11:04I can feel you looking at me thinking,
11:06come on, Dave.
11:07How often are you called upon to say the letter H out loud?
11:10Let me tell you, in my role as fan club president for the band
11:13I've got two steps, it happens.
11:15LAUGHTER
11:16But it does happen, doesn't it?
11:17It can happen to anyone.
11:18I was having a little romantic stroll with Mrs Gorman the other day.
11:21A young lady came up to us and said,
11:22Excuse me, do you know if there's a cash point nearby?
11:24I said, Absolutely.
11:25You drink left here and immediately right,
11:27you'll go down that little ginnel,
11:28you will emerge directly in front of the HSBC.
11:31And as I said that, Mrs Gorman let go of my hand...
11:35LAUGHTER
11:37..and took one step backwards,
11:39as if embarrassed to be seen with me.
11:42And when the woman had scurried off to get her money
11:43out of the hole in the wall,
11:44Mrs Gorman turned to me and said,
11:45What the hell's happened to you?
11:47When did you become a H person?
11:49You were always an H person.
11:51I met an H person, I married an H person,
11:53I'm not sure I'm happy about this H person
11:55who's turned up unannounced.
11:57And I tried explaining to her how it happened,
11:59and in many ways it was her fault, but let's not dwell.
12:01It was...
12:02It was really because of Covid.
12:04And I know that makes it sound like I think it's a symptom.
12:07What I mean is, it was because of the lockdowns.
12:10Here's the thing.
12:12During lockdown, Mrs Gorman's work could carry on a little bit,
12:15and so she carried on working a little bit.
12:17Mine was completely wiped out for the best part of two years,
12:21which meant that in the Gorman household,
12:23I carried the main burden of the homeschooling.
12:26I bloody loved homeschooling.
12:29It was brilliant.
12:30The Gore boy was only five.
12:32I knew all the answers.
12:34LAUGHTER
12:35I think you've got to find ways of making homeschooling fun,
12:39and that's what I did.
12:40We were in reception with a five-year-old,
12:42so we were doing phonics.
12:43When you're doing phonics, you don't say A, B, C, D, E, F, G.
12:46You say...
12:47Which means I spent months intensively hucking for my boy.
12:53H at his hat.
12:55H is his.
12:56H at a hat.
12:57It's his.
12:58H at a hat.
12:59It's his.
13:00H at a hot.
13:01His hat is hot.
13:02And all those months of hucking for my boy
13:05have left a residual H at the beginning of my H,
13:09leading shift it.
13:11LAUGHTER
13:12And incidentally, I do know that some of the people watching
13:14this show will also be H people,
13:16and I don't want you to feel picked on or judged.
13:18If you're a H person, you don't have to sit there thinking,
13:20Oh, no, Dave hates me for being a H person.
13:22I don't hate you for being a H person whatsoever.
13:24Each to their own.
13:25You do you.
13:26Absolutely fine.
13:27I do not hate you for it.
13:28I just hate me for it because it's wrong.
13:30LAUGHTER
13:31It is wrong.
13:32It is wrong.
13:33They're not both right.
13:34It isn't a matter of opinion.
13:35If you look it up in the dictionary,
13:37you can see for yourself, ladies and gentlemen,
13:39H is the eighth letter in the modern English alphabet,
13:41and the dictionary tells us that it is sometimes spelt out H.
13:45And while I'm here, isn't it blooming weird that letters
13:48can be spelled out as words using letters?
13:52LAUGHTER
13:54Surely letters ought to be the smallest unit of lexicography,
13:57shouldn't they?
13:58I mean, I can see in the case of H it makes some sense, doesn't it?
14:01That's teaching us the correct pronunciation for the letter H.
14:05But what are we doing, wasting paper and ink in dictionaries,
14:10having words such as R, which is the letter R...
14:14LAUGHTER
14:15..and C, which does not have a C in it...
14:19..and is the letter C?
14:21This way lies madness, doesn't it?
14:23If somebody said to you tonight, how do you spell H,
14:26I'm pretty sure everyone in this room could very confidently
14:28tell them that it is A-I-T-C-H.
14:31But then that person could go, right,
14:33and how are you spelling that?
14:35And you'd have to go...
14:37LAUGHTER
14:38Well, that's A-I-T-E-E-S-E-E...
14:42..A-I-T-C-H.
14:47Can I have a quick spell check on that?
14:50Absolutely!
14:51And you can see how this could rapidly spiral into madness
14:55from here to here and on to here and even beyond, ladies and gentlemen.
15:00Nobody needs to be spelling that out, do they?
15:02Nobody. Nobody.
15:04LAUGHTER
15:06It's A-I-T-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-S-E-E-A-I-T-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-S-E-E-E-A-I-T-E-E-E-E-E-S-E-E-E-S-E-E-E-E-A-I-T-C-H.
15:18And good luck to anyone watching this show with subtitles.
15:20LAUGHTER
15:21Do you think about this, Harry?
15:23APPLAUSE
15:26Think. Think about where this leads us.
15:28You followed this idea down the rabbit hole, ladies and gentlemen.
15:31You will discover, as I have, this means that the alphabet
15:33This alphabet is not in alphabetical order.
15:39What's H doing over there?
15:41Surely it should be over there, shouldn't it?
15:43And R, that begins with an A as well.
15:45That should be up there, shouldn't it?
15:47Now B, you'll be glad to know, is not moving anywhere
15:49because that is BEE, that is exactly where it needs to be.
15:52That is A-OK, but what about C, ladies in heaven?
15:55C doesn't even have a C in it, does it?
15:58It begins with an S, so it needs to be down there between the S and the T.
16:02Now, I've left that little space up there, ladies and gentlemen,
16:04because there is another letter that begins with C, and that is, of course, Q.
16:07So, let's throw that one up there like so, ladies and gentlemen.
16:11Now, D isn't moving.
16:13D is exactly where it needs to be, that is DEE, so that's dandy, isn't it?
16:16But there is another letter that begins with a D,
16:18and I know some of you are trying to work out what it is,
16:20some of you have got there.
16:21That's right, ladies and gentlemen, and, of course, W.
16:23So, let's throw that one up there like so.
16:26Now, E doesn't have any alternative spelling.
16:29It is only ever the single letter E.
16:31But the phoneme that the E makes, the E sound,
16:34you can hear that at the beginning of many of the letters in our alphabet,
16:38can't you?
16:39You can hear it in your F and your L and your M and your N and your S and your X,
16:44all of which are unsurprisingly spelled with an E at the front of them.
16:48So, let's throw all of those up there and tidy it up a bit like so.
16:52We have basically now done the job at this point.
16:54There's always a few suspicious souls out there thinking maybe G is spelt with a J,
16:57but it's not.
16:58Maybe U is spelt with a Y, but it's not.
17:00Maybe Y is spelt with a W, but it's not, ladies and gentlemen.
17:03They are all now in the right place.
17:05And I can see the looks on your faces tonight, ladies and gentlemen.
17:08You're thinking, bloody hell, Dave.
17:10How the hell are we supposed to remember the correct alphabetical order?
17:15And that's simple, isn't it?
17:17You just need a handy little mnemonic to guide you, yeah?
17:20I'll give you mine as a little free gift.
17:22All you've got to remember is after heating Ready Bread quickly,
17:25don't worry, even fluids like milk needs some xanthan gum.
17:27It just keeps ordinary porridge consistently tasty, utterly viscous yet zesty.
17:31That's a lie.
17:32Take that, run with it.
17:33Free gift from me.
17:34Free gift.
17:35Yours.
17:37There is, of course, another way of remembering it, isn't there?
17:40And that is the song.
17:42Yeah?
17:43I know you all know the song.
17:45You've just been singing the wrong blooming words most of your life, haven't you?
17:48Let's run through it once together just to help cement this information in our brains.
17:52Join in as soon as you feel ready, which will, of course, be immediately
17:57because the words are on the screen.
17:59So, here we go.
18:02A, H, R, B, Q, D, W, E, F, L, M, N, S, X, G, I, J, K, O, P, C, T, U, V, Y, and Z.
18:19Now I know my A, H, R, I am sure that I'll go far.
18:28Oh, absolutely!
18:30Absolutely!
18:31Yeah!
18:32Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
18:34And Conley says, I can't sing.
18:36That was a good effort, folks.
18:38And I know it quite well at this stage.
18:40And the quick bit in the middle, the NSXGI still throws my brain a loop.
18:45It's hard because you don't even remember learning the ABC song.
18:49When something is that hard-wired, it's very hard for your brain to do it any other way.
18:53Think about what that means.
18:55Once upon a time, you didn't know the ABC song and learning it was relatively easy.
19:01Today, if you had virgin brains untouched by knowledge of the ABC song,
19:06then today, learning the AHR song would also be incredibly easy, wouldn't it?
19:12And that's what I mean when I say you've got to find ways of making homeschooling fun.
19:21What I'm saying is...
19:24What I'm saying is, I've had quite a lot of emails from the school.
19:28What I'm saying is, behind every headline,
19:30there's always a human story that needs to be told.
19:33I'll see you after the break.
19:35CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
19:48Welcome back to Modern Life is Goodish, ladies and gentlemen.
19:51Now, I'd like to start this part of the show with a bit of advice.
19:55I think it's good advice for anyone, but I'm really thinking of men of a certain age.
19:59There's something I think you should get.
20:00I've got one and it really has put a bit of a spring in my step
20:03and got the blood pumping.
20:05What it is, I really recommend getting one for yourselves,
20:07is a nemesis.
20:12You can get them online these days.
20:14That's where I got mine, online.
20:17I'm a little wary of explaining to you how I came to get my nemesis
20:20because I am aware that it involves going into a world
20:22that some of you will be a little bit resistant to.
20:26It happened, ladies and gentlemen, in the world of the cryptic crossword.
20:30And there it is. I feel the pushback immediately.
20:33Don't talk to me about crosswords, Dave.
20:35It's a load of gobbledygook.
20:36It's code and I don't understand it.
20:38It's not for me.
20:39And I know why some of you think that.
20:40You've picked up a copy of The Guardian on your train home one day, haven't you?
20:43You've seen the cryptic on the back page and you've seen a clue.
20:46Like that one, for example.
20:47Problem for Francesco.
20:48The French eating eg nice old copper nut left.
20:51That is an ugly old word salad right there.
20:55That is gibberish.
20:57And because you think all clues look like that, you think these things aren't for you.
21:02But they don't actually look like that.
21:04And if you think they do, that is blind prejudice on your part.
21:07I had to use Photoshop to make a clue look like that.
21:10Real clues should sound like perfectly reasonable sentences.
21:15That clue is actually problem for driver scrambling to reverse.
21:19Which, like all of the other clues in this excellent puzzle from the set of Brendan,
21:23is a perfectly cogent sentence, isn't it?
21:26I think your confusion lies in the fact that you don't understand how a seemingly ordinary sentence
21:32is supposed to guide you to put one word in a crossword grid.
21:35So I'm going to explain how they work.
21:37I do this simply to give you the information you need in order to follow a story set in cryptic crossword land.
21:44And I will do it against the clock, ladies and gentlemen.
21:48I need someone I can trust on the front row.
21:50I'll give you the stopwatch.
21:51OK.
21:52Go.
21:53There are two parts to a standard cryptic crossword clue.
21:56You will get a definition exactly the same as a non-cryptic clue,
21:58but you'll also get some wordplay to help you.
22:01They could be in that order, but they could also be in this order.
22:03The important thing is that there will be a definition at one end or the other.
22:06So let's have a look at a clue you've already seen.
22:08Problem for driver scrambling to reverse.
22:10The definition could be problem or it could be reverse,
22:13but it doesn't have to be just one word.
22:14It could also be a phrase.
22:15So maybe the definition is scrambling to reverse,
22:17or maybe it's problem for driver.
22:19When you've worked out where the join is,
22:20and in this case that is where it is,
22:22you know that the rest of the clue is your wordplay.
22:24Now you've effectively got two different clues that both lead to the same answer.
22:28You can solve either of them and then use the other to corroborate it.
22:31Now let's have a look at the wordplay here.
22:33What is the word scrambling doing?
22:34It's a literal instruction to you to scramble the letters T-O-R-E-V-E-R-S-E.
22:39And when you scramble them, you can make them into a new word.
22:41For example, oversteer, which I think we can all see is a nine-letter word
22:45and a pretty good definition for the phrase.
22:47Problem for driver, stop.
22:48How did I do?
22:49How did I do?
22:5057.
22:51So, ladies and gentlemen, in under a minute,
22:53you now all understand the rudiments of cryptic crosswords.
22:57Which means...
23:00Which means you know enough to follow a story set in cryptic crossword land.
23:05And here's the thing.
23:07A few years ago, quite by accident,
23:09I became a professional cryptic crossword setter.
23:13I now set cryptic crosswords for the independent newspaper,
23:15using the pseudonym Bluth,
23:17for the Daily Telegraph, using the pseudonym Django,
23:19and for the Guardian, using the pseudonym Fed.
23:22I know that is a lot to take in,
23:24but back off, Guardian.
23:25We don't need to know.
23:26LAUGHTER
23:27What I didn't realise when I became a setter
23:30was that just as you get reviews in this game,
23:33you also get reviews in the cryptic crossword game.
23:36There is a website called 15 Squared.
23:38Every day, it reviews the cryptic crosswords published
23:41in the Independent, the Guardian and the Financial Times.
23:44It's got a little bit of blurb at the top of each page
23:46explaining what they thought of the crossword.
23:48Then they go through the puzzle, clue by clue,
23:49explaining how they all worked.
23:51Then, beneath that, there is a section where members of the public
23:55can leave their thoughts and comments.
23:57And as you can see, on the occasion of my first published puzzle,
24:0157 people did just that.
24:03And it is amongst those 57 people we will find my nemesis.
24:09LAUGHTER
24:11She wasn't my nemesis immediately.
24:13She was just someone who didn't like my first crossword.
24:16And she is entitled to not like my first crossword.
24:18I'm not so thin-skinned.
24:19I can't take a bit of criticism.
24:21That's absolutely fine.
24:22Her name is Jane, and I bear her no ill will.
24:26Her first comment begins,
24:28Sorry, Bluth, I really would like to say something positive,
24:31to which I think, would you really, Jane?
24:33LAUGHTER
24:35But she is entitled to criticise.
24:37And do you know what?
24:38I've been doing the job a little while now,
24:40and with a bit of hindsight, I can look back on that first crossword
24:43and I can see that one of those clues was genuinely
24:45crap, whichever way you look at it.
24:47It really was.
24:48This is the one I'm thinking about, that one there.
24:50Crap, whichever way you look at it.
24:51Now...
24:52LAUGHTER
24:53What's going on here?
24:54I'll tell you what's going on here.
24:55The answer to that one is poop.
24:57Why is it poop?
24:58It literally means crap, whichever way you look at it.
25:02This is one of the clues that Jane didn't like,
25:05ladies and gentlemen, but there were others.
25:07Oh, there were others, as you can see.
25:09She goes on to say,
25:11But I was turned off immediately by the double dose of bog paper,
25:15the zit and the crap.
25:17LAUGHTER
25:18You've seen the crap clue, ladies and gentlemen.
25:20I'll show you the other three clues, I'll be honest.
25:23I do understand that there are people who don't want to see
25:25the word crap in their newspaper.
25:27I get that.
25:28But I confess to being surprised that anyone is upset by
25:31spot, bums and bog paper.
25:34But then we have to remember that Jane is the sort of person
25:36who puts inverted commas around the phrase turned off.
25:40LAUGHTER
25:41Jane has to make it perfectly clear that that is a metaphorical
25:44turned off.
25:45She was turned off, so to speak.
25:47She clearly doesn't want anyone to think she was literally turned off,
25:51because then they'd have to contemplate that prior to doing my crossword,
25:54she was literally turned off.
25:56LAUGHTER
25:57She doesn't want anyone to misinterpret her comment as meaning
26:00your crossword put me off my wank, so...
26:03LAUGHTER
26:04Now which one of us has got a mucky mind, Jane?
26:06It's you, not me.
26:07It's you.
26:08Jane wasn't my nemesis at this point.
26:11If anything, I was upset that I'd upset someone.
26:14I wouldn't want to upset anyone.
26:16And when her comment ended saying,
26:18I'll try again with your next offering,
26:20I distinctly remember thinking,
26:22I'd really rather you didn't, Jane.
26:25LAUGHTER
26:26And I'll tell you for why.
26:27On the day that my first crossword was published,
26:29my second and third had already been accepted.
26:32And I think if you're offended by bog paper zit and crap,
26:35you're going to find clues such as warning,
26:38whore regularly found on livestream.
26:40LAUGHTER
26:41Just a little bit too rich for your blood.
26:45I was right in thinking that Jane would be offended by my second crossword.
26:49I was wrong in thinking that that would be the clue that did it.
26:52The clue that upset her was actually this one, H down.
26:55C7 are made poorly eating supermarket crabs, for example.
26:59Why would that upset anyone?
27:01Perfectly innocent sentence, isn't it?
27:03Let's have a little look at it
27:05and see if we can work out what's going on.
27:07Let's take those first three words, C7R.
27:10You can see the clue tells us they have been made poorly
27:14or constructed badly.
27:16So let's construct them badly.
27:18Now let's make them eat something.
27:20What are they eating? A supermarket.
27:21Which supermarket?
27:22Aldi, giving us venereal disease.
27:24Or crabs, for example.
27:26It's as simple as that.
27:28It's as simple as that.
27:29It's as simple as that.
27:31Jane was not happy.
27:37I was beginning to despair that anyone else was bothered by eight down.
27:42To be honest, had I spotted it earlier in the solve,
27:45I'd have ditched the puzzle forthwith.
27:47It isn't clever.
27:50It is.
27:54And it's not even vaguely amusing.
28:00It is.
28:02Look at all these people laughing, Jane.
28:04Every one of them.
28:05It is.
28:06It's proven.
28:07And yet it's apparently one of the mainstays of the compilation.
28:11Not for me, Bluth.
28:13But thanks anyway.
28:14Always unfailingly polite while clutching her pearls was Jane.
28:18I was upset that I was upsetting someone.
28:21So I genuinely did try and clean up what I was doing.
28:24But it wasn't enough.
28:25Things would sneak through my checking process.
28:28This one.
28:29Weeps dropping back into doctors.
28:30I failed to spot that it's another poo clue.
28:34It's the dropping.
28:35It's the dropping that does it.
28:36The dropping I had in mind was an animal dropping.
28:39It's poo, isn't it?
28:40And this poo is going backwards and it's going into the doctors,
28:44giving us the word droops, which the dictionary confirms
28:47is a perfectly fair definition for the word weeps.
28:51Jane didn't like it.
28:53Ladies and gentlemen.
28:54I've yet to make my mind up about this setter.
28:56I think we all know that's not cock-in-true.
28:59Made her mind up very quickly, as far as I can tell.
29:02And one across didn't get me off.
29:04Oh, Jane, not again.
29:06Not again, Jane.
29:08Sorry, sorry, sorry.
29:10To a good start.
29:11That's fine.
29:12Sorry, Jane.
29:13It felt like every single time I was published,
29:15she'd be there having a bloody go.
29:17Oh, quite enjoyed this one.
29:19Once I'd got past the seemingly obligatory lavatorial reference
29:22and the prostitutes.
29:24There was nothing I could do to please this woman.
29:28Now, in some ways, I have a great deal of sympathy for Jane here.
29:32And there is an argument that maybe the crossword
29:34should be a haven.
29:35A little oasis of calm in the corner of your paper,
29:38which is already full of so much crap, isn't it?
29:41Especially in recent times, quite literally,
29:44given we have been dumping raw sewage into our rivers and our seas.
29:49This has been a big story for some time now, hasn't it?
29:51You can imagine the upset all of this has caused.
29:54One company even claimed that the public has no right to swim in the sea.
29:59Oh, you can imagine the wild swimming community in particular
30:03got very worked up about that.
30:05I sometimes go swimming in sewage myself.
30:07But only in a metaphorical sense.
30:10By which I mean I sometimes find myself spending hours
30:13reading the comment sections beneath stories such as these.
30:17That's what I've done with these stories, ladies and gentlemen,
30:19and I've taken my favourite of those comments and turned them into something
30:22that I like to call a found poem.
30:25That I would like to perform for you now.
30:28While all the pollution is clearly appalling,
30:34the one good thing to come of this would be an end to wild swimming.
30:40When I was a lad, we just called it swimming.
30:43In a time when most towns have perfectly decent swimming baths,
30:48I am wondering why so many people want to swim in rivers anyway.
30:52Having looked at the sort of people who do it,
30:54I suspect the main reason is that it is free.
31:00Why don't people just pop to their local baths
31:02and leave the rivers to take our ordures away as nature intended?
31:08Call me old fashioned, but I don't mind a bit of crap in the rivers.
31:13They're dirty anyway.
31:15But I draw the line at it going in the sea.
31:20Swimming in rivers isn't something normal people do.
31:24It's something normal people tell their dogs to stop doing.
31:29Swimming in the sea, however,
31:31is a normal thing that normal people do.
31:35On holiday.
31:38Water, water everywhere and not a drop to drink.
31:42So said a famous poet once.
31:46I don't know which one.
31:48But it makes you think.
31:51Fish can't pop to the local baths.
31:54Why won't anyone think of the fish?
32:00I can see why people think having sewage in our rivers is a bad thing.
32:03But has anyone stopped to ask where else it should go?
32:07Before we had water companies, our wee and poo still existed.
32:12And I'll bet you a pound to a penny that most of it ended up in the water.
32:16We should be giving Thames water a pat on the back for the amount of sewage they don't put in the water.
32:21Not complaining about the amount they do.
32:27I don't eat fish.
32:30Nature, as always, has provided the solution.
32:35Cucumbers!
32:37They're 96% water.
32:39And more importantly, they're free.
32:42I don't eat cucumbers.
32:44It's odd to think that humans are the only animals to have toilets.
32:47Apart from cats.
32:48Newsflash!
32:49Fish poo in rivers.
32:51If fish won't think of the fish, why should I?
32:53Where on earth do you think seawater comes from?
32:55I don't eat cucumbers.
32:57I don't eat cucumbers.
32:59I don't eat cucumbers.
33:01It's odd to think that humans are the only animals to have toilets.
33:04Apart from cats.
33:06Newsflash!
33:08Fish poo in rivers.
33:10If fish won't think of the fish, why should I?
33:14Where on earth do you think seawater comes from?
33:19Rivers flow into seas.
33:22Water is water is life.
33:27Actually, rivers flow into lakes.
33:30It is rain that fills the seas.
33:33That's why seas are salty.
33:36LAUGHTER
33:40For Bill Ross, drink your day, ladies and gentlemen.
33:43I'll see you after the break.
33:45CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
33:56Welcome back to Modern Life Is Goodish, where,
34:00before I was distracted by rivers of filth,
34:03I was telling you about how I got a nemesis.
34:06But we never actually got to the point where Jane became my nemesis.
34:10I genuinely started off feeling upset that I was upsetting her.
34:14But there is a moment on which my relationship with Jane turned.
34:18Now, initially, I was just setting crosswords for The Independent,
34:21but after a little while, I received a message from someone
34:23at The Daily Telegraph saying,
34:24we're enjoying your puzzles,
34:26would you fancy crossing the floor and writing some for us as well?
34:29And I said, yeah, absolutely I will.
34:31As much as anything,
34:33because The Daily Telegraph is not reviewed on 15 squared.
34:37That's just The Independent, The Guardian and The FT.
34:40I thought it'd be nice to have a puzzle published one day
34:43and not have Jane jumping up and down and calling me out as a reprobate,
34:46wouldn't it?
34:48What I didn't realise when I said yes is there is another website
34:50that reviews every crossword ever published
34:53in The Bloody Daily Telegraph, isn't it?
34:55And that website, ladies and gentlemen,
34:57is called Big Dave's Crossword Blog.
34:59No relation.
35:01Now, before my first Telegraph puzzle was published,
35:04they asked me to write an article about becoming a setter,
35:07which I did.
35:09And as I'm sure you can imagine,
35:11that set off a thread of conversation within Big Dave's Crossword Blog.
35:15And who the hell do you think turned up in that conversation?
35:20Ladies and gentlemen,
35:22you're not wrong, of course she bloomin' did.
35:24Oh, couldn't find anything in The Daily Telegraph
35:27about Dave Gorman coming in as a new compiler.
35:29Please tell me it's not true.
35:31And when my first puzzle was published,
35:34it wasn't long before she showed up again, saying,
35:36I always expect this setter's puzzles to be peppered,
35:39with references to bodily functions, football teams and so forth.
35:45Bodily functions, football teams and so forth.
35:50I don't think the whole of the world has decided that football and bodily functions naturally both reside in the same ugly category of things polite society doesn't talk about at the dinner table, have they?
36:04You can't just make things bedfellows by putting them together in a sentence and adding an and so forth, can you?
36:10If I said to you all,
36:12I always expect this setter's puzzles to be peppered with references to knitting and racism and so on.
36:17You know immediately that's not right, don't you?
36:21That's not fair on the knitters of the world, is it?
36:24Or the racists?
36:26It's not fair.
36:28I think that's a little bit revealing.
36:30Am I alone in detecting the faintest whiff of snobbery here?
36:34I think she's the sort of person who was offended by the venereal disease clue,
36:37not because it mentioned venereal disease, but because it mentioned Aldi and not Waitrose.
36:40Rightly or wrongly, I thought I'd seen who she was at that point.
36:47And once my imagination had painted Jane as a snob, I found my whole attitude changed.
36:53Instead of being upset that I was upsetting her, I started enjoying upsetting her.
36:59With a bit of hindsight, I can see now that I was maybe not completely stable at this point.
37:07I had become obsessed with her.
37:08I don't think I would have said so at the time.
37:11I think if you'd asked me at the time, I would have told you that she was obsessed with me.
37:15But that's because I was obsessed with her.
37:18In my head, and I knew not to say this out loud to anyone, I thought she was sort of flirting with me.
37:24You know in that way when boys are very young and they end up pulling a girl's pigtails in the playground?
37:28It's because they're emotionally underdeveloped and they don't know how to get attention.
37:32I sort of thought she was metaphorically pulling my pigtails.
37:35I was self-aware enough to know that if I said that out loud, it would make me sound like I was disappearing at my own fundament,
37:42so I very much kept these thoughts to myself.
37:45But I discovered that I wasn't the only person who thought it.
37:48A very good friend of mine, he sent me a WhatsApp one day saying,
37:50Just seen Jane's latest. I think she may be trying to pull. She's in love with you.
37:57And I sent him a reply saying, ha! That looks like a clue.
38:03Because it does, doesn't it? Look at the wording he's used there.
38:08She may be trying to pull. She's in love with you.
38:10That feels very clue-y to me, don't you think?
38:13It's not quite fair on the solver who doesn't know the backstory, is it?
38:17It's not really fair just saying she and you.
38:20Let's take those out. If we take the she and the you out and replace them with, say, Jane and comedian,
38:27that feels fairer immediately, doesn't it?
38:30Little tip for you here, if you're writing a crossword clue, try and have as few words as possible, OK?
38:36Right now, we're wasting two words by having may and be separately, aren't we?
38:40We could just squish them together, make them one word.
38:43That's going to make things a little bit tighter, just in a small way.
38:46Also, another tip for you, try and avoid full stops if you can.
38:49We've got a full stop there, but we don't need it, do we?
38:52We could remove that, and if we do, I think we could lose the she's that follows it as well.
38:56Just put a dash in instead, it will make it into one sentence.
38:59Look at that, Jane maybe trying to pull in love with comedian.
39:02It means exactly the same thing, and it really has started to feel like a clue now, hasn't it?
39:07That's really feeling very cluey.
39:10So I had that one published in The Independent.
39:12Now...
39:15I know that you are now all able to solve that,
39:18and you can all see that the answer to that clue is clearly Russell Howard.
39:22But that's not important.
39:24Not important right now.
39:25The message in this clue was in the clue, not in the solution.
39:29Now, I will never know what was actually going on in Jane's world that day,
39:32but I'll tell you this.
39:34On this puzzle, she did not comment.
39:40I don't know what that was, but in my head that was her going,
39:43Shit, he's seen me!
39:44LAUGHTER
39:45I will never know the truth.
39:48And while Jane was still not yet my nemesis, I think my obsession with her was growing.
39:53It was no longer just about my puzzles and Jane, this was about all puzzles and Jane.
39:58Every time I was doing a crossword, if I was solving a clue that was a little bit salty,
40:03my first thought became, oh, can't wait to see what Jane's got to say about this one.
40:08One day I was doing a crossword in The Independent by a man called Hoskins.
40:11It was, I say without fear of contradiction, the filthiest crossword I have ever seen in all my days.
40:18I could not believe what I was looking at.
40:20I will start with the soft stuff, but trust me, we're going to get a lot darker very quickly.
40:25Have a look at this, ladies and gentlemen.
40:27Oh, ready for a spanking, mind your own business.
40:30Bit of cheeky S&M in The Independent cryptic crossword.
40:33I promise you darker, how about this?
40:35Bishop, up for sex and crack, takes the biscuit.
40:39A man of the cloth.
40:41A bishop, no less, taking hard drugs and getting his dick wet.
40:45Oh, my life, Hoskins.
40:47You are pushing the envelope now, aren't you?
40:49There is more, ladies and gentlemen.
40:51Out of heads, Scandinavians and boozers, dot, dot, dot.
40:54Very next clue, dot, dot, dot, hooking up and having sex.
40:57We've got drunken Scandinavian swingers, S&M,
41:01a bishop taking hard narcotics and getting his end away.
41:04And just when you think he has plumbed the depths,
41:07he goes even further, ladies and gentlemen.
41:09Part of the body pervert has a goose.
41:14The sexual assault of barnyard animals, ladies and gentlemen.
41:20And just when you think Hoskins has done all he can
41:23to wallow in the filth of bodily functions,
41:26he puts the cherry on top of this particular cake
41:28by also including football and so forth.
41:34I finish this puzzle.
41:35I rush straight to 15 squared to see what Jane had to say.
41:38Was Jane in the comment section that day?
41:40You bet your sweet patootie she was in the comment section that day.
41:43Oh, nice to see a few flashes of the old Harry in this one.
41:50And a relief to discover that I wasn't alone
41:52in not knowing the football term.
41:56Quite a lot of ticks on my sheet.
42:00Shrug, butt out, let off and glad rags all getting a mention.
42:03No complaints from me today?
42:07This is when I've got a fucking nemesis!
42:22How fucking dare you!
42:26Are you genuinely trying to convince me
42:32there is anyone on this earth
42:35who genuinely thinks,
42:36oh, you've crossed a line there, young fellow malady,
42:39but also think that that's A-OK, is there?
42:43Am I actually expected to believe
42:45someone is operating within a moral framework
42:48that says,
42:49oh, that's going too bloody far,
42:51but that's a fucking bullseye, is it?
42:55I'm sorry, Jane,
42:56did my toilet roll put you off your goose fuck?
43:09And now...
43:11I've offended myself.
43:13Ladies and gentlemen,
43:15thanks for watching.
43:16Goodnight.
43:43Hey!
43:44Hey!
43:45Hey!
43:46Hey!
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