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00:00Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight, Dara O'Brien!
00:30Ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to Live at the Apollo!
00:41My name is Dara O'Brien, it is a pleasure and I'd like to be back here doing this, I love doing this, I've had to pause, by the way, doing things like comedy tours, because I've just got an acting job, pretty big acting job, so you're very kind, I'm playing the lead role in the new Greg Wallace biopic.
00:57It's been on the cards for a while, but we had to postpone it just to rewrite the ending.
01:08No, it is a delight to be back doing this, because I'm on the tour, bringing you exciting news of all over the place.
01:15Firstly, Dublin, where I'm from. Anyone here ever been to Dublin?
01:18Of course, I know, you've all been to Dublin, right? There is a part of Dublin, by the way, called Temple Bar, right?
01:25Yeah, a lot of you are familiar with it. Of course, you should be familiar with it, because we built it for you.
01:32Honestly, it was very much built with British tourists in mind. It's like a big ball pit that we drop you into, and then we go off and have pints somewhere else.
01:40And every so often, we come back and go, how are you doing? And you're always thrilled.
01:46But there's a genuine thing that I noticed in Dublin earlier in the year, an amazing thing, an amazing business that I've not got into for a reason that will become really obvious, but it's incredible.
01:55It's down a genuine lane in Temple Bar, right in the middle of Dublin, called Crane Lane, and I've never been to it, but you can see it.
02:01You can see sideways down the lane, a neon sign, a magical neon sign that has three wonderful words buzzing away in neon every night.
02:09It just says, lap dancing casino. And I've never gone in, because how can it really live up to what's happening in my imagination every time I feel that, where men furtively walk in going,
02:22Yeah, I'd love a lap dance, please. And the guy goes, certainly, sir.
02:29Huh?
02:31Duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck.
02:36Jake?
02:38What? Sometimes you win, sir.
02:42Sometimes.
02:44So if you could just sit there, please.
02:47Yeah, are you in Dublin for work, are you?
02:50Oh, Lord, I love doing this thing. I love doing that.
02:55But there is an element of you're bobbing around, you know, I'm not getting any younger, you know, aching a bit here and there with it all.
03:00I occasionally get back pain. I'm a big guy. I'm a big guy. You know me. I'm a big guy.
03:04But I'm also a big guy, right? I'm six foot four.
03:07And by the way, long term, interesting note, doctors have said that actually long term, the greater determined of my long term health will be my height rather than my weight.
03:15Because, of course, I will die the death of a tall man.
03:20Which is, of course, to be hit by a bus mirror.
03:29I love that joke, right? Because tall people really get that joke, right?
03:33Because we've all had a moment to go, Jesus, where did that come from, right?
03:36Yeah. But short people, whoosh!
03:48No. When you get older, when you get older, yeah, your attitude changes things.
03:52For example, electric bikes. I love electric bikes. I use electric bikes all the time.
03:56Like when I was younger, I wouldn't have used electric bikes. I was in my 20s.
03:59Oh, I'd be insulted by the thought of using electric bikes, right?
04:02But now I think they're great.
04:03And in fact, studies have shown that if you use electric bikes, you'll ride for longer and you'll enjoy the ride more.
04:09Sorry, do I keep saying electric bikes? Viagra.
04:12Yeah.
04:17If you're watching at home, now rewind and re-watch the joke.
04:20It is watertight. It is absolutely thick.
04:24No, but occasionally you get things like little twinges in the back, for example.
04:27Hey, we all get these things, little problem in the back.
04:29I used to do a thing where I'd go for a massage every so often just to relax the back and all that.
04:33And I remember talking to a friend of mine also in his 50s.
04:35He went, well, hang on, have you actually hurt your back?
04:37And I said, yeah, yeah, no, it's quite bad. He said, what are you doing?
04:40You go to a massage? Oh, yeah, yeah, I do. Yeah, yeah. It's all right.
04:42You know, he said, no, no, no, no, no, no.
04:44You don't, no, no, no.
04:45If you've genuinely hurt yourself, don't go to...
04:47You know what you mean with like the whale music and the towels and the whole...
04:50No, no, you go to a physio.
04:52That's who you go to if you've genuinely hurt your back.
04:54Are there any physios in the room?
04:56Few to die around.
04:57This is the difference you should know, by the way.
04:59People don't know the distinction between these two things.
05:00That is not the same situation.
05:02I went to the physio instead of going for a massage.
05:04Holy shit, it is a different situation in terms, right?
05:07I was trained on like, oh, how soft, how relaxing would you like it to be?
05:12Not with a physio.
05:13A physio couldn't give a shite.
05:15Which, what oil you prefer, doesn't give a dab.
05:18When the massage person goes, I'm just going to go down your arm.
05:21Mmm, I'm just going to go down the other arm.
05:23No, not the physio.
05:25The physios goes, walk to there.
05:26Yeah, turn around.
05:27Yeah, walk back again.
05:28Yeah, I know what the problem is.
05:29Lie down.
05:30Yeah.
05:31It's here.
05:32It's right here.
05:34And you're on this plank going,
05:36Jesus, could you at least do me shoulders just to ease me in,
05:39for Christ's sake.
05:41But no, there's no easing in.
05:43It's like, nah, this is what I do.
05:45This is all I do.
05:46I do this for 20 minutes.
05:48And then you get up, you pay me 60 quid, and you piss off.
05:51And it is amazing.
05:57Oh, yeah, no, once you've had that,
06:00you can't go back to the fluffy towels and the essential oils.
06:03Once you've had the heroin, you can't have the chamomile tea.
06:10That's an old saying from the streets.
06:13Oh, Hammersmith.
06:16But no, it's amazing.
06:18And I feel bad about this because now I never go and get a normal massage,
06:21right?
06:22And I don't feel bad about that.
06:23Like whatever.
06:24Because the massage, as we know,
06:25Oh, massage is a wonderful thing.
06:26It's very, very physical.
06:27It helps people.
06:28It's very, very comfortable for people.
06:29But it's also really unfortunate massage.
06:31I don't know to anyone who works in massage.
06:33It's the only bit of the healthcare industry,
06:35of the whole healthcare world that has sort of been adopted
06:39or stolen by sex workers for some reason.
06:42And that's really unfortunate because that does, you know,
06:45people have made them.
06:46Look, I, I am that soldier, right?
06:49I was in Australia and I twanged me back.
06:51And I walked around this place and Adelaide going,
06:53Jesus, is there anywhere here that does massage?
06:54And a young woman in the newsagent, my own age, like,
06:57went, oh, yeah, there's a massage place over there.
06:59And I presume, well, this is going to be legit.
07:00So she's in her 20s.
07:01I'm in her 20s.
07:02That's crap.
07:03She must be sending me to somewhere good.
07:04Went into the place, walked in.
07:05There's a woman there.
07:06And I said, hello, do you do massage?
07:07And she goes, absolutely.
07:08And she shows me the board and the prices were on the board.
07:10She said, it's $60 for a massage or $100 for fantasy.
07:15I'm a young and innocent man abroad for the first time.
07:22And I'm going, I'm sorry, what is fantasy?
07:25Presuming she's going to go, well, in fantasy, we dress up as orcs.
07:32And we stomp around you, reading out rules and incantations
07:36in an ancient, elvish language.
07:39And then we have a huge sword fight.
07:41And at the end, we take a 20-sided dice,
07:43and we roll the 20-sided dice.
07:46And if you score 18 or more, we wank you off.
07:49But she did not say that.
07:57And I said, I'm sorry, what is fantasy?
08:00She says, well, in fantasy, the masseuse takes off her top.
08:03And I instantly turned into every innocent 1930s Irishman abroad.
08:09In the right of the room, I started going, oh, oh, Jesus, no,
08:12oh, stop, no, I jizz, oh, sick with heart, no, I can't be.
08:14Ah, stop.
08:15And started backing out of the room.
08:17Ah, no, God, no, no, no judging, no judging.
08:19You do you.
08:20You do whatever you have to do, right?
08:21But, ah, oh, Jesus, ah, what did my mother say?
08:23Ah, God, she's not even dead.
08:25Why am I looking to heaven?
08:26Eh, eh, eh.
08:27Oh, stop it, stop it, stop it, like whatever.
08:29I absolutely was not, ah, no, no.
08:31And she said, what's wrong?
08:32And I said, ah, no, I said, oh, no, no, I've misunderstood.
08:34I've misunderstood.
08:35I said, no, no, I've genuinely hurt my back,
08:37and I genuinely need somebody to do some work to help me,
08:40you know, because I've hurt my back, right?
08:42And God love her.
08:44This woman running a rub-and-tug joint in Adelaide
08:47genuinely looked at me and said,
08:49we can give it a go.
08:51LAUGHTER
08:56With a real Australian can-do spirit.
08:59No-one's ever asked for that before, you pervert.
09:01Eh, stop it.
09:03LAUGHTER
09:05God love massage.
09:06It's the only field that you can mix up with the sex industry.
09:09You've never gone for a dental appointment.
09:12LAUGHTER
09:14And a new dentist, and then you walk in,
09:16and the woman's at the desk going,
09:18oh, at the 2.30, absolutely, you just wait in there,
09:20and you sit, you know, on that, like,
09:21that vinyl slopey chair with the weird shape,
09:23and you're just sitting there going,
09:24OK, well, I hope I get something on my tooth,
09:26my tooth's really hurting,
09:27I hope I get something about my tooth, like whatever.
09:29And the dentist goes, OK, yeah, are you my 2.30 instead?
09:31And I say, yeah, OK, well, we'll just get started.
09:34And then the music starts,
09:36and it starts going, wah-bam-bam!
09:38LAUGHTER
09:39What?
09:40Are you a sexy dentist?
09:42LAUGHTER
09:43And the dentist goes, yes,
09:44is this not what you're looking for?
09:45No, I genuinely hurt my tooth.
09:47I can give it a go.
09:49LAUGHTER
09:50No, put on. Eh.
09:52Any other thing, look,
09:54the one thing we should...
09:55And I feel proud in taking this,
09:57as an older person doing, like, a broadly younger audience,
09:59you should know this, like whatever.
10:00People worry about their health in many different ways.
10:02One thing you should do is,
10:03none of us reach the finishing line of this race intact.
10:07None of us, no matter how healthy we are,
10:10none of us are 100% what was promised
10:13by the time we finish our lives.
10:14Bits of either fallen off, being cut off,
10:17never arrived,
10:18all of us have an inventory of stuff that we should have,
10:21but we don't have, and sometimes very simple.
10:23There, there's a good one to start with.
10:25I, for example, only have three wisdom teeth.
10:28The first three came up normally,
10:30and the fourth one,
10:31they all, all the first two had to be removed
10:32when they came up
10:33because they were called an all sort of misshaping
10:34of the teeth, like whatever.
10:35And the fourth one clearly saw all this happening,
10:37went, oh, no, that's a bit of a bother,
10:39and then just disappeared into my body
10:41and never appeared again.
10:43LAUGHTER
10:45Much more dramatically, though, right?
10:47When I was 18, I went into hospital
10:50for a procedure called an orchidectomy.
10:53Now, some medical people know that there's an orchidectomy
10:56is the surgical open,
10:59he'll open you up, basically,
11:00to search and remove an undescended testicle.
11:03Because orchid, unbelievably, orchid,
11:07makes no sense whatsoever,
11:09is the medical word for testicle.
11:11LAUGHTER
11:12Orchid testicle.
11:13There's no reason, you can't,
11:14there must have been some weird meeting
11:16of the Royal Society of Medicine back in the 1700s,
11:19when they're naming body parts, right?
11:21And there's all these gentleman doctors
11:23with long beards and frock coats going,
11:24well, gentlemen, we've done wonderful work today.
11:27We've named the medulla oblongata,
11:28the gluteus maximus, and the clavicle.
11:31But now, I'm afraid, we was named
11:33a more delicate part of the body,
11:36a more private part of the body,
11:39a genital part of the body,
11:42and all the 17th century men go,
11:44murmur, murmur, murmur, murmur, murmur, murmur, murmur.
11:46Okay.
11:47And then at the back, one voice goes,
11:49uh, perhaps I can help.
11:52LAUGHTER
11:54And they all try to go,
11:55oh, Dr. Fou-fou-le-floof.
11:56LAUGHTER
12:02Is there something you wish to add at this stage?
12:05I would merely say,
12:07if you have to name this most delicate region of the body,
12:10we should name it after the thing it most resembles,
12:13which is, of course...
12:15LAUGHTER
12:18A flower.
12:19LAUGHTER
12:21Because like the flower,
12:22this part of the body,
12:23at the start of the day,
12:24its petals are closed.
12:26But slowly, over the course of the day,
12:28its petals open,
12:29releasing its sweet perfume into the air.
12:32LAUGHTER
12:33Drawing you in
12:34until you bury your face within the folds of the flower.
12:37LAUGHTER
12:38And then you taste upon your tongue the sweet nectar.
12:41If you have to name it after the flower,
12:43we should name it after the most beautiful flower of all,
12:45which is, of course,
12:46the orchid.
12:47LAUGHTER
12:48Uh, okay.
12:49Well, uh...
12:50Sure.
12:51Big hairy balls, orchid.
12:52Let's go on.
12:53Uh...
12:54What?
12:55I wasn't talking about the man.
12:56I was talking about the lady.
12:57This is a terrible mistake.
12:58Oh!
12:59We've already pressed send.
13:00LAUGHTER
13:02So orchid's stuck, right?
13:05And I, at that age,
13:06had to go into a hospital
13:07to have a conversation with a doctor about it.
13:08And this is kind of a scary thing to tell in front of a crowd,
13:10but I tell it for a good reason.
13:11Because I'm going to repeat a conversation here
13:13that other men may have to have in their lives.
13:14Often because of cancer,
13:15but you should actually know how this conversation goes.
13:17I, a very scared 18-year-old,
13:19stood in front of this doctor and said,
13:20Jesus, if I'm missing one of my testicles,
13:22how is it going to affect major things in my life?
13:24He said, what do you mean?
13:25He said, well, how is it going to affect my sex drive?
13:27And he says,
13:28it doesn't affect your sex drive in any way.
13:29And it does not.
13:30I said, well, how is it going to affect my fertility?
13:33He said, it doesn't affect your fertility in any way.
13:35And it does not.
13:38LAUGHTER
13:43Draw your own conclusions from that.
13:45But I said, so it doesn't affect it anyway?
13:47He said, no.
13:48He said, you mean you can lose 50% of the system
13:50and it makes no...
13:51He said, it makes no difference whatsoever.
13:53There is a lot of redundancy built into the human body.
13:56It makes no difference at all.
13:58He said, that's amazing.
13:59So having one testicle is no different than having two.
14:01And I will always remember this.
14:03The doctor said, no.
14:05He said.
14:06Unlike people who have two testicles,
14:08if you only have one testicle,
14:10you'll have no depth perception.
14:20In your testicles.
14:21And when you jizz, you'll have no idea
14:23if you've jizzed big and far away
14:25or small and relatively nearby.
14:27Can I step out of the show for a second and go,
14:31that is totally my favourite joke of my entire career.
14:33LAUGHTER
14:35By no means the biggest guaranteed laugh,
14:37but the people who get it, get it big, right?
14:39And the people who don't, hello.
14:41Eh...
14:42And they go, I didn't get that a joke at all.
14:44Two eyes, one eye, look it up.
14:45Anyway, here's the actual punchline.
14:46They opened me up, they looked,
14:48and they couldn't find anything.
14:50So for 35 years,
14:52I've had a testicle and a tooth
14:54wandering randomly through my body.
14:56LAUGHTER
14:57APPLAUSE
15:02Having...
15:04God knows what adventures they've been having over the years.
15:09They've probably joined up and go around solving crimes together.
15:13LAUGHTER
15:14Oh no, there's been a murder in the spleen.
15:16We better call Bitey and the Shudder.
15:18They'll know what to do.
15:20LAUGHTER
15:21Hey boss, why do you call him the Shudder?
15:23Ah, give him a poke, you'll find out soon enough.
15:25LAUGHTER
15:26Look, I'll leave you one very, very simple story,
15:31which I quite like, whatever,
15:32and it's again, totally true story.
15:33Not long ago, I was sitting at home with the kids,
15:35watching TV, right?
15:36Watching TV, minding my own business,
15:37when my wife called from the room,
15:39the room with the dryer, the washer dryer, the tumble dryer,
15:42the utility room, whatever you want to call it, right?
15:44There's a room there.
15:45And she took her head over the door and said,
15:47Dara, can you come in here, please?
15:50So I walked in and said, what, what is it?
15:52And she said, can you help me fold these sheets?
15:54I said, are you out of your mind?
15:56LAUGHTER
15:57She goes, I'm folding sheets, are you crazy?
15:59Are you gone in the headroom and like whatever?
16:01If you're going to ask me to fold sheets,
16:02you say, Dara, can you come in here and fold sheets?
16:04You do not go, Dara, can you come in here and fold sheets?
16:06Dara, can you come in here, please?
16:08Which is the international code for grown-ups to say,
16:10I found something terrible.
16:11We must discuss it away from the children.
16:13Can you come in here now
16:15where we can have a proper conversation about that?
16:17Jeez, I said, I shot myself on that walk
16:19from the television to here going, what has she found?
16:22What has she found?
16:23When I walk in, she'll be holding a bag of bank notes
16:25that she discovered behind some towels over there.
16:27Or I discovered a door to a cellar
16:29she never knew that the house had.
16:31I said, at the very least, be holding my laptop,
16:33if you're going to say.
16:34Dara, can you come in here now, please?
16:40She's like, what about these sheets?
16:42Ah, another time, I said, and walked away.
16:44Anyway, so...
16:46You don't know that you were part of a test there
16:48and you passed it more than you could possibly imagine.
16:51Because one of the joys of doing this job
16:53is you find a cultural difference that you never knew existed,
16:56and then you uncover it in a gig by total accident, right?
17:00Know this, I told that joke a million times
17:02both in the UK and Ireland.
17:04Every single time I get to that line in Ireland,
17:06Dara, can you come in here now, please?
17:09An Irish audience erupts into...
17:12Oh, you're in trouble now!
17:15What have you been up to?
17:18Oh, you devil, right?
17:20And every audience in Britain, including tonight,
17:23including 3,500 people tonight,
17:26always, oh, I wonder what she needs them for.
17:29Every night in Ireland, the crowd are going,
17:42you hound, you filthy hound, you devil!
17:44You've been up to no good, oh, you've been caught,
17:46you've been caught undeservedly, so, you mad monkey, right?
17:49And every audience, including tonight in Britain, goes,
17:52oh, the rest of this anecdote must take place in the other room.
17:55LAUGHTER
18:00So, congratulations for falling into my trap.
18:02Anyway, we have a glorious evening of comedy ahead of you.
18:05Looking forward to seeing our excellent gentlemen!
18:07CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
18:10Ladies and gentlemen, you're going to have a whale of a time in this comedy.
18:12Could you please lift the roof of the Apollo for Jack Skipper?
18:16CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
18:25Apollo, how we doing? We all right?
18:32CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
18:34Yeah, this is nice, isn't it?
18:35Enjoying a bit of comedy, having a laugh, you know?
18:38Actually, I've noticed this thing with comedy lately, though.
18:40When people go and see comedy shows nowadays,
18:42they don't just want to laugh, do they?
18:44They want to learn something, you know?
18:45They want to walk away going, ooh...
18:47Ooh, he really made me think.
18:50I was rolling round on the floor thinking.
18:52But just to let you know, you're going to learn fuck all from me.
18:57LAUGHTER
18:58Yeah, you're going to walk out thicker than when you came in.
19:01LAUGHTER
19:03So I hope you enjoy my comedy,
19:05but just to make you aware, I am popular with thick people.
19:08LAUGHTER
19:10So you might have that moment of realisation when you walk out, you know?
19:13You go, I enjoyed that.
19:15LAUGHTER
19:17LAUGHTER
19:19I'll be honest, mate, you look over-qualified to be in the audience.
19:23LAUGHTER
19:24You'll be all right.
19:25LAUGHTER
19:27LAUGHTER
19:28Well, I do, I love comedy, man. I love doing that.
19:31I haven't always been a comedian, though, no.
19:33I used to be a carpet-fitter.
19:36Cheers.
19:38I weren't just any old carpet-fitter, though.
19:40No, no, no.
19:41According to my checker-trade rating,
19:43I was the 14th best carpet-fitter
19:46in the whole Croydon area!
19:49CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
19:51Yeah!
19:52He's starstruck, look.
19:54I've just noticed a few people going like that.
19:56I told you it was him.
19:58LAUGHTER
20:01But it was the very first job I had when I left school,
20:03the very first carpet shop I went into,
20:05the geezer gave me a job cos he saw something in me.
20:07He did, he looked at me and went, you've got it.
20:09You've got it.
20:10You've got it.
20:11And all my fitters here, they've all got it.
20:13And do you know what they've got?
20:14No qualifications.
20:16LAUGHTER
20:18Cos I ain't.
20:20Got none.
20:22Got no GCSEs.
20:23Look, I even failed the exams I thought were gonna be easy,
20:25you know?
20:26Like, I failed RE.
20:27LAUGHTER
20:28Religious education, man.
20:30I couldn't believe it when I found out.
20:32They was like, you failed RE.
20:34I was like, oh, Jason, Christ.
20:36LAUGHTER
20:38I just found school pointless, though.
20:51You know, it was like pointless lessons
20:53teaching me pointless skills I didn't need.
20:55Like, I'd be doing gymnastics,
20:57and they'd have some teacher telling me off,
20:59shouting at me, going, point your toes!
21:01You know, I don't need to point my toes.
21:03There's no job that requires me to point my toes, you know?
21:06It's not like I'm gonna be like an estate agent or something,
21:08you know?
21:09As you can see, here's the kitchen.
21:11LAUGHTER
21:17Two bedrooms, you know?
21:19LAUGHTER
21:24As I say, it's nice to be out, innit?
21:25Nice to be out, enjoying a show, having a few drinks.
21:27I'm actually trying to cut back on the drinking lately,
21:29but basically what it is, I've got two small children, right?
21:32And I'll tell you something about these small children that I've got.
21:34They've got absolutely no respect for hangovers.
21:37LAUGHTER
21:38Little bastards.
21:40Like, I've had a few beers on a Friday night.
21:42Saturday mornings, they're getting me up early.
21:44Like, proper early.
21:45It's still dark.
21:46We're still watching sign language on the news.
21:48LAUGHTER
21:50You can't tell them off, can you?
21:52So I just sort of get up and do what I'm told,
21:54but I just sit there looking at them from the other side of the room,
21:56thinking, yeah, I'll get you back.
21:58Yeah, cos one day they'll grow up,
22:00and they'll start drinking,
22:02then I'm gonna do back some of the weird shit they've done to me
22:04when I've been hungover.
22:05I've got it all planned out, right?
22:06What I'm gonna do, I'm gonna wait until I've had a big night out,
22:08then I'm gonna storm into my daughter's bedroom
22:10at six o'clock in the morning,
22:12dressed as Elsa from Frozen.
22:14And I'm gonna demand that we make jelly.
22:30And then I'm gonna go out to my son's room,
22:32and I'm gonna do roly-polies on his bed, bodop-naked.
22:41That's how he likes it.
22:43Put my bum in his face, like...
22:53Cos it's hard, modern parenting.
22:54Like, I grew up in the 90s, it was easier for my parents.
22:56Like, with parenting nowadays, there's rules.
22:58Like, I do my kids' packed lunches, right?
23:00And with packed lunches nowadays, there's rules.
23:02It's got to be healthy.
23:03It's like no crisps, no chocolate,
23:05a certain amount of fruit and veg.
23:07Like, when I look back,
23:08you could have put ten Benson in my lunchbox.
23:13No-one would give a shit.
23:15Like, when I look back on my diet in the 90s,
23:18it just feels like one relentless montage of ham.
23:22Shit, cheap ham.
23:31Came in a wad.
23:35He'd pierce the film when that gas would come out.
23:41He fired in the ham!
23:43So much of it as well, every meal.
23:48Ham sandwiches, ham salads, ham egg and chips.
23:51Like, if my mum had a party,
23:53she'd use the same shit ham,
23:55but to make it look a little bit more fancy,
23:57she'd roll it up.
24:04Like, people should be impressed
24:05that she spent all her afternoons skinning up ham.
24:17Some of the shit she used to feed us.
24:19Like, she'd do this thing, right?
24:20If we was going on holiday,
24:21the week before the holiday,
24:23she refused to buy any food.
24:26So you have to start surviving off stuff in the freezer.
24:28And then she starts concocting these mental dinners,
24:31like oven chips and Yorkshire puddings.
24:37That one fish finger that got loose
24:38and stuck itself to the back of the freezer.
24:44They dig that off.
24:46It's like, Mum, can't we just buy some food?
24:49Shut up and eat your wedding cake!
24:58I'll tell you what, though,
24:59like, the 90s feels like a long time ago now.
25:03I'm feeling a bit older.
25:05I'll tell you what's making me feel a bit older.
25:06Like, I don't understand young people anymore.
25:08I don't understand what they're saying.
25:09They've got their own little language,
25:11ain't they?
25:12No matter where they're from.
25:13They could have, like,
25:14a privileged, middle-class upbringing,
25:16but they all sort of talk like they're gangsters
25:18from the ghetto, innit?
25:20You don't know what it's like
25:21for me growing up in a semi-detached, man.
25:23Man's had to survive on two holidays a year,
25:28you get me?
25:32I had one of them come up to me,
25:33I started a gig recently.
25:34He was like,
25:35oh, you're that comedian, innit?
25:36I've seen your stuff, man.
25:37You are jokes.
25:40I'm not gonna laugh.
25:43I was like, where are you from, mate?
25:44He went, Windsor.
25:45Not gonna laugh.
25:55They love not gonna laugh, don't they?
25:56Not gonna laugh.
25:57Yeah, they've abbreviated it.
25:58They put it in their text messages now.
26:00NGL.
26:01Not gonna lie.
26:02I didn't know what that was for ages.
26:03I used to work with this young fella,
26:04and he texted me things like,
26:05yeah, I'll be honest,
26:06I'm not gonna make it into work tomorrow, NGL.
26:08And for ages, I was like,
26:11does he think I'm called Nigel?
26:15Do you know what?
26:16I don't think I'd want to be young nowadays.
26:17Young people nowadays,
26:18they're boring, aren't they?
26:19When I was about 16,
26:20I was out making a nuisance of myself,
26:21you know?
26:22They're all in the gym now.
26:23There was these 16-year-olds
26:24in the gym the other day,
26:25discussing their diet.
26:26When I was growing up,
26:2716-year-old lads weren't on diets,
26:28you know?
26:29That was for my mum and her friends.
26:30They go,
26:31what?
26:32What?
26:33What?
26:34What?
26:35What?
26:36What?
26:37What?
26:38What?
26:39What?
26:40What?
26:41What?
26:42What?
26:43The Mexicans of Cheerrin's?
26:46They go,
26:47Wait.
26:48What's your fault?
26:49That's all it was.
26:50Shew such a sweet little jacket potayte.
26:52Cheese and beans, jacket potaytee.
26:53Ham, jacket potaytee.
26:55This one young lad,
26:58he was so boring.
26:59He was talking about his breakfast.
27:00He was going,
27:03He was going, yeah, I had four eggs.
27:07I had four eggs for breakfast.
27:10And I was thinking, mate, sort it out.
27:12When I was 16, if I had four eggs, I'd throw them at a bus.
27:26But I do feel sorry for him growing up in this world, though.
27:29It's a weird old world at the moment, isn't it?
27:31Like, you get the impression, don't you, that everyone's struggling mentally,
27:33but at the same time, we've never lived in a time of such privilege.
27:36We've never had so many services available to us we don't even need.
27:39I just think that parallel's mad, isn't it?
27:41Like, everyone's down, depressed, anxious,
27:43but at the same time, if you wanted to, you could get your anus bleached.
27:54You know, so you might be in a dark place.
28:01So, yeah, man, late 30s now, and I am genuinely trying to cut back
28:08on the drinking, but it's not going well.
28:11Because basically, what it is, drinking is how I unwind
28:13and haven't found anything to replace it with, that's the problem.
28:15Like, I spoke to a mate about it, I asked him how he unwinds,
28:18because he doesn't drink, and he said he has a bath.
28:22I was like, that's not the same as drinking, is it?
28:24Like, you can't imagine being at home,
28:26the missus goes to bed early, and you're like...
28:30That's Andy.
28:32I might have a couple of baths.
28:40Well, you can't imagine bumping into an old friend, you know?
28:47Say, hello, mate.
28:49Yeah, give me a call sometime.
28:51We'll have a bath together.
28:54But it's a shame, man, because it's my favourite hobby, drinking.
28:59I used to love it, I used to love a sech all day, you know?
29:02All day down the pub.
29:03Then someone would have an after-party, you know?
29:05They'd go, come back to mine.
29:06My missus won't mind.
29:07I'll go back there, she would mind.
29:13But I wouldn't let it stop me, man.
29:14I'll keep partying on through.
29:16Keep going through till that seven o'clock in the morning,
29:18wait for the offer licence to open, go back down there, crack on,
29:20wouldn't even question it.
29:22Fast-forward to your late 30s, I was indoors the other evening,
29:24about half-eight, and nowadays, half-eight,
29:26it's too late for me to eat cheese.
29:33Can't do late-night cheese any more, man.
29:35I had a bit of cheese the other night,
29:37come out of my house the next day, my neighbour saw me,
29:39he went, Cor, you look rough.
29:43Been on the packet.
29:44I was like, yeah, mate, Cathedral City.
29:46You know, it's like after a couple of baths.
29:50That's what I'd call it on.
29:51Woke up, next day, I'd done three bowls of Ray Dox,
29:53a couple of grams of Parmesan.
29:54That's what I'd call it on.
29:57Woke up, next day, I'd done three bowls of Ray Dox,
29:58a couple of grams of Parmesan.
29:59Right on, session.
30:00For Corolla, you've been absolutely valuable.
30:02Thank you very much, thank you.
30:03Thank you very much, thank you very much, thank you.
30:11For Corolla, you've been absolutely valuable.
30:13Thank you very much, so far, thank you.
30:24We're good at Jack Skipper.
30:29Now, keep that applause going,
30:31and bring him on your second act,
30:32raise your hand for Felicity Ward at the line.
30:46Oh, my God.
30:48Hello, how are you?
30:49Are you good?
30:52Hello, my name's Felicity.
30:54I'm very, very excited to be here.
30:56I'm Australian, but I've lived over here for a long time,
30:59and I have just got my British driver's licence.
31:05And, look, it's great, I'm having a wonderful time,
31:07but I just think, as a foreigner,
31:09it would be very helpful when we pass our test,
31:12if you just give us a couple of tips that aren't on it,
31:16but are absolutely imperative to drive in the UK.
31:20So, what I would have liked to have happened is,
31:22he would have given me my licence and he would have said,
31:24congratulations, well, he wouldn't, he's English.
31:28So, he would have said...
31:30And then...
31:33..he would have said,
31:34just before you get in the car,
31:36do you know about indicators?
31:37And I would have said, yes.
31:39You indicate left to go left, indicate right to go right.
31:43And he would say,
31:44do not use them under any circumstances.
31:48They are considered a sign of weakness in our culture.
31:53And then he would say,
31:54do you know about mini roundabouts?
31:55And I'd go, yes.
31:56Same principle as a regular roundabout, only smaller.
31:59And he would say, you know what?
32:01They're just some circles that we painted on the ground in 1975.
32:04What I want you to do is approach it
32:06like a four-way game of Deathly Chicken.
32:10I'm talking, pedal to the floor, close your eyes,
32:12wrong side of the road, doesn't matter.
32:14Whoever gets there first wins,
32:15and whoever gets there second, dies.
32:18Now, do you know about using high beams?
32:21And I would say, yes, when there's no oncoming traffic,
32:24no, on-street lighting.
32:25And he would say, yes,
32:27and we have also created our own Morse code system
32:32with which we use to communicate to each other.
32:34So, we flash once to say, thank you,
32:37and we flash twice to say, you come forward, I'll wait here,
32:41the road is too narrow.
32:44And we flash 800 times to say,
32:47you are in the wrong lane on the motorway, sir.
32:51Please kindly move over to your left.
32:55And finally, he would say,
32:57do you know about British country roads?
33:03And I would say, no.
33:05What are they, three, four lanes wide?
33:11And he would say,
33:12they are the width of a Nissan Micra.
33:16And I'd say, two-way?
33:18My God, that sounds hectic.
33:19I'm assuming, then, the road is very long and straight,
33:24so you can see what is cut.
33:27And he would say,
33:27it is hairpin bend after hairpin bend after hairpin bend.
33:33Hotholes, no guttering, no marking, no streetlights.
33:36Horses, tractors, and it's all set in a hedge maze.
33:42So you can never prepare, visually or audibly,
33:45for what is coming at you next.
33:56And I would say, my God, that sounds treacherous.
34:00It must take so long to get anywhere,
34:05because surely...
34:09..under those conditions,
34:11..I'm assuming the speed limit.
34:19What is it, 10, 15 miles an hour?
34:22And he'd laugh in my dirty little face.
34:24And I'd say, not 20 miles an hour,
34:26and he'd say, 60 British miles an hour!
34:29Unless, of course, you're local,
34:31then, by all means, go as fast as you possibly can.
34:35Tailgate, beep your horn, flash your lights.
34:38They should just have signs that say,
34:39speed up or die, potty!
34:45So it is always lovely to arrive alive.
34:50I might, I might have ADHD.
34:52I don't definitely know that.
34:54I don't like to say that I have anything
34:56that I haven't been formally diagnosed with.
34:58But there has been some signs.
35:00The first one was in 1999,
35:02when I worked for a retired nurse at a cafe,
35:05and two weeks into working there, she said,
35:07Felicity, can you have some of my son's Ritalin?
35:10You definitely have ADHD.
35:13And I thought, you know what?
35:14Let's find this out for sure, for real, if that's the case.
35:18So I went straight to the GP 24 years later,
35:21and I got a referral to get tested for ADHD.
35:25And then I lost that referral.
35:27And then I went back to the doctor, five years later,
35:30to get another referral to get tested for ADHD.
35:34And then I also lost that referral.
35:36And I think that's the test.
35:45Now, you have been absolutely delightful.
35:47This has been a wonderful audience,
35:49so I'd like to leave you respectfully
35:52on a seven-minute routine on fingering.
35:54Now...
35:59So, here is the thing.
36:00I'm doing this gig right,
36:01and in the front row is 20 18-year-old boys.
36:04Yuck!
36:05Now, I'm joking.
36:06I love men.
36:08A little bit too much.
36:09I'm a predator.
36:11I...
36:13I wasn't vaccinated as a child.
36:15One of those things is true.
36:16Anyway...
36:18I got whooping cough when I was four.
36:19Mum really showed the government, didn't she?
36:21Anyway...
36:23It's not about her.
36:25Isn't it?
36:25Why else would I be doing stand-up comedy?
36:27Anyway...
36:28I'm joking. It was Dad.
36:29So I'm doing this gig.
36:31Front row, 18-year-old boys, right?
36:32And there's a boy over here, he's got a pink shirt on,
36:35and the host is making fun of him.
36:36In a very loving way, everyone's having a good time.
36:39He introduces me, I come out,
36:40and I pretend that I'm very faux-offended on his behalf.
36:43And I say, do you know what, mate?
36:45If you want to wear a pink shirt, you wear a pink shirt.
36:48Toxic masculinity is bullshit.
36:50You probably drink rosé
36:52and finger women at the weekend as a feminist act.
36:57Now, if I had my time again,
37:00I would not say fingering.
37:01I would say cunnilingus.
37:04Because no woman is choosing fingering from a straight man.
37:10And what you're hearing there
37:18is a lot of women deeply relating to what I'm saying.
37:22And what you're not hearing is the deafening silence
37:26of all the straight men going, what?
37:33And these next six minutes are for you.
37:36So I said to him, you probably finger women
37:40at the weekend as a feminist act.
37:41Now, I say that, and the entire group turn
37:45and look at another boy in the group.
37:47All of them, they look at him like this.
37:50And they look at him like this.
37:51They're whispering, they're elbowing each other.
37:53They're pointing.
37:54And I'm like, what's going on over here?
37:55And I said, what's your name, mate?
37:57And he said, fingering Pat.
37:59Now.
38:01I said, Pat, are you very bad at fingering?
38:04And he said, huh?
38:07If the rumours are true, if the rumours!
38:12Do you know how bad at fingering you need to be at age 18,
38:18that not just the recipient knows,
38:20but 19 of your closest friends?
38:24And I said, do you know what, mate?
38:25I'm not even going to do jokes tonight.
38:27I'm just going to give you tips.
38:28He said, please.
38:30He said, please!
38:33And so I am going to tell you those tips tonight.
38:36Hopefully they will be of some use to you
38:40and you can take them home with you.
38:41So this is what I told him and I'm going to tell you.
38:44So tip number one.
38:46Can you feel the tension in the room, though?
38:48Can you feel?
38:51You just feel all the straight dudes going,
38:52please don't say my signature move, please, please.
38:56She loves it.
38:57She doesn't.
38:57Number one.
38:59Number one.
39:00Going in and out as hard and as fast as you can
39:03is enjoyable to no one, to no one,
39:06to no one, to no one.
39:09Why are you going back?
39:10Why are you trying to get to the back?
39:12Why are you trying to get to elbow?
39:15Like, you don't...
39:18If you touch the back, that's a cervix.
39:21It's not for you.
39:21It's for a doctor.
39:22Leave it alone.
39:23Leave it alone.
39:24Yeah?
39:26Rule number two.
39:27If you're a beginner, if you're unsure,
39:29spend more time on the outside
39:31than you do on the inside, yeah?
39:33Going inside is a sometimes food.
39:35Yeah?
39:36I don't know if you've ever seen a symphony before,
39:38but what is it?
39:39All the way through?
39:40Strings, isn't it?
39:41Strings, strings, strings.
39:42Every now and again, timpani.
39:44Every now and again.
39:47If you went to the orchestra and it was just
39:49Timpani Timpani Timpani Timpani Timpani
40:04You'd get up and you would leave
40:05and you would ask for your money back.
40:16Rule number three.
40:17Use your mouth.
40:18Use your mouth.
40:19The Hand and the Mouth, they're a great team.
40:21They look after each other when they're tired.
40:23They cover for each other's mistakes.
40:25The Hand and the Mouth is the feel-good movie of the year.
40:30It's Batman and Robin.
40:31It's Bonnie and Clyde.
40:32It's Wallace and Gromit.
40:35And if you feel nervous about going down on a woman,
40:38just pop them in, yeah?
40:39You get fresh breath, she gets an Arctic surprise.
40:45Number four.
40:46All the dudes are like, what was number two again?
40:48What was number two?
40:50And all the queer women are smoking a cigar.
40:52They're like, we could have told you this a long time ago,
40:54but go on as you were.
40:56Rule number four.
40:57Personal choice.
40:58Stop using your thumb.
40:59You're mashing away down there.
41:00It's got no nuance.
41:01Doesn't know what it's doing.
41:02It's out of control.
41:03You know what a thumb's good for?
41:04A lighter that you can't get going.
41:06Don't stick that on the most sensitive part of our entire body.
41:10And while we're there, don't do it on the back either.
41:12Just doesn't...
41:14Just because it can go in doesn't mean it has to.
41:16Do you know what fits perfectly into an electrical socket?
41:20A knife.
41:21But we don't...
41:22It's dangerous, isn't it?
41:23We don't do that.
41:26I will finish on this.
41:28Number five.
41:28It's not even a joke.
41:30It's just a public service announcement.
41:31There are two questions that will drastically improve your sex life
41:36if you are not saying these already.
41:38Two questions.
41:38The first one is,
41:39Is there anything else you would like me to do?
41:42That's all you have to ask.
41:42Is there anything else you'd like me to do?
41:44There's an unsatisfied woman clapping over there.
41:47Thank you!
41:5060 years we've been married!
41:53Not once!
41:54I swear to God,
41:58if everyone was asking that question
42:00every time we had sex,
42:01within 10 years,
42:03no war.
42:05If you were sexually satisfied,
42:07you'd go,
42:08You know what?
42:08I'll press the nuclear button tomorrow.
42:10We're going to leave it today.
42:12Now, the second question,
42:13and this is the most important question
42:15to ask any woman over the age of 35,
42:19because we never got asked this as a teenager.
42:21And the question is,
42:23Are you enjoying this?
42:27Are you enjoying this?
42:28We never got asked that as a teenager.
42:31Because if we had been,
42:32we would have unanimously said,
42:34Oh, no.
42:37Please stop,
42:39or I will tell 19 of your closest friends.
42:43I have been Felicity Ward.
42:44You have been unbelievable.
42:45Thank you so much.
42:47Have a great night.
42:55Ladies and gentlemen,
42:57Felicity Ward!
43:00And that brings an end to tonight's show.
43:03Give it up to both guys tonight.
43:04Firstly, Jack Skipper!
43:08And then, wonderfully, Felicity Ward!
43:10It's genuinely a delight of an audience.
43:15It's been lovely to talk to you.
43:16I'm Darren Breen from Live in Apollo.
43:19Good night.
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