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Ugliest House in America Season 7 Episode 1
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FunTranscript
00:00where shiplap means serenity and subway tiles sparkle with timeless taste yeah this isn't that
00:07world whoa one woman will stop at nothing hey that's me to track down the ugliest houses
00:18across america who goes there oh she'll journey farther than ever before you mean like north
00:27dakota yes north dakota they thought no one would ever find them do you cry a lot i do
00:35but they were wrong let's settle down i mean they submitted their homes and the ugliest one
00:44gets a renovation from allison victoria she will come face to face with design disasters
00:50decode the dysfunctional what we have taken down thousands of dingle dangle balls every corner
01:00and journey to a milestone no one saw coming oh god our 100th ugly house
01:08you get too old for this and the ugliest of them all will be transformed by allison victoria
01:17victoria we pulled off a miracle we did it again i literally just said that
01:24so prepare yourself for the ultimate quest 15 homes five regions zero mercy hasta la vista bad taste
01:34the show has been rated h4 hideous viewer discretion is highly advised
01:39we'll always have paris wisconsin
01:42the journey to find undiscovered ugly has me heading to the great plains a land known for its
01:54vast stretches of flat grasslands first stop the region's western edge and maybe the most remote
02:01town i've ever been blanca colorado blanca colorado it is a small town with massive views
02:11i'm here to meet brie and see if her house should be considered one of the ugliest if not the ugliest in america
02:18do i let them out what is happening
02:33oh hi hello rhoda how are you um let's talk about this here house yes
02:42okay brie i'm curious what is this this is my castle
02:49it is your castle yes um you didn't build this castle no i did not this castle was here yes
02:56i'm brie i live in blanca colorado with my husband and three boys and we live in the poor man's castle
03:04my husband's a very quirky guy anything that's unconventional out of the blue is his vibe so
03:11this house was clearly right up his alley and when i walked in i was like this is more than i bargained
03:16for a little bit we're running solely off of a solar generator i have plywood walls i have carpet in the
03:23kitchen i have carpet all throughout the bathroom why do you need so much carpet
03:28watch your step
03:31dome this way
03:34watch your step
03:36what is this
03:43what is going on in here too much
03:49wait okay so what made you buy this house so my husband found it online and he was just
03:55obsessed with it the photos were awful were they i can't could you imagine why imagine
04:02because this place is mayhem do you remember what you put in the listing a lot of uniques
04:09you know a lot of artsy unique off-grid gotta come see it to believe it is priceless to me
04:17i'm scared to say what else
04:20well if you want to take a step to your right up those wonky stairs
04:25that goes somewhere it does
04:26you didn't tell me i was gonna have to hike
04:34oh my this hobbit space what
04:39it's a little steep
04:42yeah my shoes do not have a grip
04:44what in god's name is happening
04:49how am i gonna get out of here
04:51this feels like a giant hamster house
04:55can we talk about the fact that there's a shelf
04:59on a slanted wall
05:01we don't put anything up here
05:03you think
05:04i have so many questions even still after being here nine months i just have questions
05:09every day all right if we want to venture back down i don't know how i'm gonna do it
05:14that's one way to get down
05:19this is old school there's one little cabinet there
05:31one little strip of cabinet there
05:34that's the size of the sink
05:37i can't fit my forearm in that sink
05:40do you cry a lot
05:42i do
05:43i could cry right now
05:46i would be in tears
05:47every day
05:48listen if they ever start the most stressful house in america
05:51i'm putting your name in the hat
05:54so where to next
05:56the bathroom
05:58okay
06:00this is a weird
06:01i'm not sure why you would need this many mirrors
06:06he didn't want to give us a mirror
06:07at the sink
06:08just everywhere else
06:10help me
06:14the tiny cry for help
06:17please
06:19let's go upstairs and i'll show you the primary bedroom
06:24this guy
06:26and his carpeted handrails
06:29there's a doorknob on a sliding door
06:34you have a family bed
06:38yes
06:39one and a three-year-old so we co-sleep
06:40my nine-year-old is in this room here
06:42at least we have conjoining rooms but we have lack of privacy
06:47brie i don't know how you're doing it
06:49i cry every day
06:51i don't know
06:51okay well brie
06:52you are one of three semi-finalists
06:55in the great plains region
06:57you move to the next round
06:58you'll be that much closer to a renovation by alice and victoria
07:01amazing
07:02i'm going to wish you luck
07:05thank you
07:06get zen
07:06i hope i didn't traumatize you too much
07:09and make my way back down
07:10oh god
07:19that was mirrored mayhem
07:21it is
07:23madness
07:25and it's never ending
07:27appearance wise i don't know what to tell you
07:30because i went cross-eyed as soon as i walked in the door
07:34there was too much happening
07:36what was awkward about it better question what wasn't
07:39awkward about it there is no functionality
07:41anywhere the surprise was the stairless stairwell
07:46i'm surprised i survived it the great plains
07:50someone explain the plains
07:54because i don't get it
07:56the quest must go on
07:58400 miles south to be exact
08:01where i'm hoping to find some unique ugly
08:04in ransom canyon texas
08:06welcome to ransom canyon texas
08:09which sits in a completely carved out canyon
08:13with cliffs down to a man-made lake
08:16making it feel like a completely different world
08:19than the surrounding west texas plains
08:21i'm here to meet lena
08:24and see if this ugly house
08:26actually ruins this view
08:28look at it
08:31look at it
08:35interesting
08:38it looks like a digital dog
08:49is this metal looks like metal
08:56well hi lena retta how are you i'm great nice to meet you nice to meet you let's talk about this home that looks like a digital dog to me
09:06so what is it supposed to be
09:08so what is it supposed to be
09:10um
09:12robert bruno jr constructed this home he was a metal sculpture artist
09:16hi i'm lena i live in ransom canyon texas with my kids and my dog daisy
09:25the house is a living sculpture so not everything is functional
09:29there are no straight edges everything's round you see sweeping staircases down to
09:34these weird abyss like corridors
09:37i'm an artist and i want to make it an artist retreat
09:41but the house definitely gives ugly vibes
09:47oh yeah it is iron work city
09:53metal everywhere glass everywhere no straight lines whatsoever other than the floor but i tell you that's probably not even either
09:58you're safe you're perfectly safe i definitely was scared i was going to fall off this little ledge
10:08where to well i think this room first this i like to call the blue room
10:17whoa so no curtains yeah at night the light shines through the stained glass from the outside and this room turns a really amazing color of blue
10:27blue i need to be able to close my eyes and see nothing
10:31the bathroom is right up the stairway and there isn't a door so there's no privacy
10:37it's the bathroom to this room to this room to the downstairs it's very much a shared space
10:43so no those stairs are a no definitely taking taking a little tumble uh yeah at night
10:51i don't think there were plants it's a lot of just
10:56randomness what else are we gonna see you ready to see more curved windows sure yeah all right whoa
11:05okay the view i can get behind but this feels dangerous and then there's like just the littlest
11:14even this i was like oh yes yes dangerous dangerous dangerous dangerous okay where to next downstairs
11:28into one of the legs the legs holding the building up yes so this is a foot this is a foot this is a leg
11:36i would not survive this house there's no railings this is an office this is this is an office yes um
11:46robert is also with us here i know you like creepy things a little bit no i don't no i do it
11:53for the check i was like you know this is ugly it's not scary is right where's robert robert's here
11:59in this house yeah where girl where his ashes are down in this leg oh his ashes yeah that's enough
12:08of a tomb thank you very much let's head upstairs
12:17is this the snout the snout of the pig yeah or the dog the digital dog
12:22so that's the bow of the bow wow i mean it's not a lot of usable space right i do have questions
12:31about how the square footage was calculated are the legs livable i don't know if those should count
12:39okay so thank you for showing me your home and i'm gonna wish you luck do you ever slide down here
12:44i haven't tried that one no that one's a bit aggressive yeah yeah that was the man-made metal mutt
12:52overlooking the man-made lake appearance all i see is danger it looks like a death trap to me
12:58it's a death trap you want to talk about awkward a bathroom that serves all the floors were there
13:04locks on those round doors the surprise is that they try to make a room out of the leg of this building
13:11great planes that's a no for me dog
13:14there's one last house for me to see on my quest through the far reaches of the great plains so i'm
13:24heading 565 miles north to morrison colorado here you can find dinosaur ridge red rocks amphitheater
13:34and the house where kristen and mike think it was worth my trip up this scary ass winding road
13:51it is ginormous
13:55so we'll be in the back of the park and i'll see you in the back of the park and the house
14:08I'm good.
14:09Did you make it up the driveway OK?
14:11That is the scariest driveway.
14:13Yeah, it's not fun.
14:15My name is Kristen.
14:16This is my husband, Mike.
14:17We live in Morrison, Colorado in a funky house on the hill.
14:20We found the house online looking
14:23for a place to live with the kids.
14:26After we saw the house, I'm like, no way.
14:29And Kristen said she loved it.
14:31So happy wife, happy life.
14:35Our daughter and my son-in-law came with.
14:37And when she said, I can see grandchildren here,
14:40I'm like, done.
14:41We're buying the house.
14:42But just very unusual.
14:43Needs to be updated for safety reasons.
14:46And it's just all around ugly.
14:52Rocky Mountains.
14:55Pretty much, yeah.
14:56Yeah.
14:56All these rocks were from the property.
14:58Really?
14:59Yeah.
14:59This seems like a lot of work went into it.
15:04What's on this level?
15:05Because it seems like it's a very small space.
15:09So I see a closet.
15:12The closet, we can go through that way.
15:17Huh?
15:17OK.
15:21It is not a closet.
15:23Just closet doors.
15:24Yeah.
15:29I thought it was a closet.
15:30I mean, then Poe's here, so.
15:33OK.
15:36So this is our son's room right now.
15:37Oh, boy.
15:38Mm-hmm.
15:39Oh, boy.
15:39Oh, boy.
15:40Yeah.
15:41What's going on?
15:42Yeah, we started doing some renovation.
15:45Our daughter was getting married.
15:46Uh-huh.
15:46And after that, we came to a stop.
15:48A stop.
15:49The wedding took that cash.
15:50Yeah.
15:51Yeah.
15:52And that was it.
15:53OK, what are we going to see next?
15:55The bathroom.
15:55Oh, my God.
15:58It's a saloon door.
15:59It is a saloon door.
16:01Yes.
16:08What are the steps for?
16:10We don't know.
16:11We're not quite sure about that.
16:12Mike said the carpet was just when you get out,
16:13you just kind of roll around on it.
16:15You kind of dry yourself off and then you go.
16:17I just dry it off that way.
16:18I would be scared to death to use this bathroom.
16:21Mm-hmm.
16:23I got to get out of here.
16:24Where's our next room?
16:26We're going to head upstairs.
16:27OK.
16:30Our kitchen.
16:33What year is this piece from?
16:37Mm, 1920s, I think?
16:40Behind you, you'll notice a lot of light switches.
16:44And then we have a built-in toaster over there in the wall.
16:51Does it work?
16:52We've not used it.
16:53I feel like I'll hit a button and then it'll go.
16:55Yeah.
16:55And then all the lights will go off.
16:56Yeah.
17:02Were these planters?
17:05It was a hydroponic room.
17:06Oh.
17:07So we have a lot of water going through.
17:11We have, you know, six or seven thermostats
17:14just in this room alone.
17:16Those switches are so low.
17:19We asked the owner when we first came.
17:21He was like, what do these do?
17:23And he's like, I don't know anymore.
17:25He wasn't sure.
17:26Light switches and thermostats.
17:28Oh, my.
17:29Which one controls the madness?
17:34OK.
17:34Yeah.
17:35Next level?
17:36Bedroom.
17:36What in God's name is this pit?
17:47Well, it used to be a hot tub.
17:49I can see the line where they filled it.
17:51Mm-hmm.
17:52Don't get too close.
17:53No.
17:54Sorry.
17:54I don't know if you've seen the show.
17:55I'm a scaredy cat.
17:57Yeah, they said the kids used to jump off of this
17:59and, like, cannonball into it.
18:01No.
18:03Hard no.
18:04You want to see the bathroom?
18:05I do.
18:07Glass door.
18:08That's not private.
18:13You guys, this is crazy.
18:18How old was the owner?
18:19Probably in his 80s.
18:21Where was he bathing?
18:22Oh, my gosh.
18:23That's not bad.
18:24Oh, my gosh.
18:26Are you getting his feet?
18:28What is happening?
18:31That was Matt with the camera.
18:37I'm stressed.
18:39All right.
18:39I'm going to bid thee farewell and hope I don't slip through
18:43the cracks all the way out.
18:44Yes, yes.
18:44Hold on tight.
18:45Thank you for coming.
18:45Thanks for coming.
18:51Rocky Mountain light switches.
18:54Parents.
18:55It looks like the builder had a death wish.
18:58My heart is actually still racing.
19:00You know what's awkward?
19:011,500 light switches and thermostats to nothing.
19:06I guess I was surprised by how dangerous it is to clean
19:11oneself in this house.
19:13The Great Plains is taking great pains to give us the ugly.
19:20I came to the Great Plains expecting to find Great Ugly,
19:24and these three contenders blew me away.
19:27But which house is ugly enough to move on to the finals?
19:36Great Plains region, your beauty stretches to the horizon,
19:41but your ugly hides in plain sight.
19:44And while all three contenders were ugly enough
19:46to make you run for the hills, when the dust settles,
19:49only one house will be left standing.
19:53I would not survive this house.
19:56It's between an off-the-grid, multi-carpeted mish-mash.
20:00This place is mayhem.
20:03A tetanus-prone metal monstrosity.
20:06No.
20:07Those stairs are a no.
20:10And a home where it's impossible to see the light
20:12at the end of the tunnel because you don't know
20:15which switch to use, which one controls the madness.
20:20Here we are again on the road, and I get to tell
20:24some lucky homeowner that they have the ugliest house
20:27in their region.
20:28So here we go.
20:38Bree!
20:39Hi, how are you?
20:40I'm OK.
20:42I just wanted to let you know that you have the ugliest house
20:44in the Great Plains region.
20:47How do you feel?
20:48Me too.
20:49Oh my gosh, I'm thrilled.
20:51Wishing you luck, my friend.
20:53No problem.
20:54Bye, hon.
20:55Bye.
20:56Congratulations, mirrored mayhem.
20:59You were a quirky castle that felt like a fun house
21:02without the fun.
21:03But being crowned the ugliest house in America
21:05will be no easy feat because the quest into unexplored regions
21:10of Ugly is just getting started, and there's
21:13no telling what I'll see next.
21:16Coming up.
21:17There's glitter.
21:17Every surface.
21:18I'm afraid to touch anything because glitter's for life.
21:21What is that?
21:22Well, it's a great soaker tub.
21:24I feel like you're looking for trouble.
21:26The table weighs a literal ton.
21:28It's embedded in the floor.
21:31I'm so angry right now.
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