- 9 hours ago
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00:00People like Pamela Anderson.
00:02This came this morning.
00:04We have a problem.
00:05He's one of our blackmailers.
00:07Wait, what?
00:08There's two blackmailers.
00:10I need to gather evidence so that Neha can arrest Pamela.
00:14And then she'll tell everyone about Dad.
00:16That's when my plan comes into action.
00:17Not only have we got your dad's death certificate,
00:20we also have the funeral director on the payroll.
00:23We are home and clean.
00:26Trixie?
00:27Here, puss puss.
00:30Ah!
00:31Ah!
00:32Ah!
00:33Ah!
00:36Aw.
00:39What?
00:40Everything's gonna be okay.
00:44I'm so sorry, Jean.
00:55I'm sorry, but Pam hasn't made it.
00:58Oh, Jean.
00:59I'm so sorry.
01:00I'm so sorry.
01:01I'm so sorry.
01:02I'm so sorry.
01:03Sorry, I'm so sorry.
01:05I'm so sorry.
01:06I know.
01:07I was really okay.
01:08I saw like the other one.
01:09I shoved the little camera for 12 hours.
01:10I was like, I can't read it, man.
01:12I knew she's been around for 15 minutes.
01:13Oh, good, it's you.
01:41And your plan if it wasn't?
01:42Pretend to be her mum.
01:44Go on, then.
01:47No, thank you! Please leave me alone!
01:49I'm a widow!
01:53Yeah, that's not a good system, Dad.
01:55Did you bring it?
01:57Yes.
01:58This is lovely stuff.
02:00This is the best hit money can buy.
02:02No more cannabis for me.
02:04Just shocky milk from now on.
02:07I've got...
02:09It's just one for the cup.
02:11And one for the mug.
02:18Do you want some?
02:19No.
02:20Hey.
02:21How's Mum?
02:22Oh, fine.
02:23Fine?
02:24Why wouldn't she leave?
02:26Well, one of her friends died last night.
02:28I didn't think of it like that.
02:30Yeah.
02:31So, where is she?
02:33Oh, no.
02:35Hey, Mum.
02:36Oh, hello, darling.
02:38William!
02:39Huh?
02:40That booze that you got for your retirement.
02:41Have you moved it?
02:42Sorry.
02:43What on earth is going on?
02:44Your dad was given a bottle of Posh Bubbly when he retired and I've been waiting for the
02:51right moment to open it.
02:52It could have opened it when I retired.
02:53No.
02:54It needed to be for something special.
02:55So, why are you looking now?
02:56Well, do you know what happened last night?
02:57Yeah.
02:58Do you know what happened last night?
02:59Yes.
03:00Do you know what happened last night?
03:01Yes, I do, thank you.
03:02I had front row seats.
03:03Ding, dong, cheerio.
03:04See you in the next life.
03:05Have you got a brick for a heart?
03:06Pam was your friend.
03:07Some friend.
03:08Come here.
03:09Look at this.
03:10I found that in her house yesterday.
03:12In her book.
03:13It's a book.
03:14It's a book.
03:15It's a book.
03:16It's a book.
03:17It's a book.
03:18It's a book.
03:19It's a book.
03:20It's a book.
03:21It's a book.
03:22It's a book.
03:23It's a book.
03:24It's a book.
03:25It's a book.
03:26It's a book.
03:27It's a book.
03:28In her bowling bag.
03:30The final piece dons la jigsaw.
03:33Now, you tell me.
03:34What sort of friend blackmails their own mates?
03:38Yeah.
03:39But you kind of wanted her to die, surely?
03:41No, of course not.
03:42I'm not a psychopath.
03:43You're about to open a bottle of champagne.
03:45Well, only if I can bloody find it.
03:47Are you sure you haven't moved it?
03:49You do like to fiddle with my bits.
03:51It's actually my champagne.
03:53And Harold, I know you love to apportion blame.
03:56You get that from your father.
03:57But Pamela's death?
03:59Nothing to do with me.
04:01OK?
04:06It's a bit thick.
04:08It is...
04:09It is claggy.
04:11I wonder how long she's going to be.
04:23Don't you just hate these places?
04:27Did you get those from the machine?
04:28Yeah.
04:29I wouldn't.
04:30Riddled with Legionnaires.
04:34And they found E. coli in the sandwiches.
04:37Sorry.
04:38You said this was urgent.
04:39Uh...
04:42You were at Pamela Anderson's house last night.
04:45Well, there's something I need to tell you.
04:47She had a cat.
04:48And I suffer from very bad allergies.
04:50And I get very snuffly and red, itchy eyes.
04:55It's hugely incapacitated.
04:56No, I mean about Pam.
04:57Oh, well, on arrival to the hospital,
04:59it became apparent that I was a smidge hasty in my assertions.
05:03Which means...
05:04She's not actually dead.
05:06Are you kidding me?
05:07How many times are you going to do this?
05:09Do what?
05:10Nothing.
05:13Believe me, I'm shocked.
05:15I am normally assiduously diligent.
05:21Where is it?
05:22Mum, this is a classic case of denial.
05:24I'm not in denial.
05:25If anything, I'm being too transparent.
05:27A little bit like our blooming bathroom window.
05:30You know they frosted it on the wrong side.
05:33So we can't see out.
05:34But every Tom, Dick and Harry can see in.
05:36A viewing gallery for my Tom, Dick and Harry.
05:38Talking to you is like nailing jelly to the wall.
05:41Well, that is very rude.
05:42Jelly?
05:43I haven't done that in ages.
05:44Have we got any?
05:45Well, have a look in the cupboard.
05:46And you, if you can't be positive, you can leave.
05:49What do you want me to be positive about?
05:51Just everything I've ever done for you.
05:53No, you can't take credit for the good
05:54if you can't take responsibility for the bad.
05:56Oh, it's thought for the day with Bishop patronising, is it?
06:00What did you say when you reversed our car into the village duck pond?
06:03What's that got to do with anything?
06:05Just tell me what you said.
06:06Oh, I merely commented that the water level had risen.
06:11Which meant it was who's fault?
06:12Global warming.
06:13I rest my case.
06:14Oh, you are an odious little toad.
06:17Can you stop calling me? I'm sensitive about being stocky.
06:20We're a stocky family.
06:22I'm not. I'm quite willowy.
06:23Oh, shut up!
06:24Shut up!
06:25Mum, please.
06:27In the space of a few weeks, we've had a fake funeral,
06:29an insurance fraud, and now a very real death.
06:32Can you see what connects us three things?
06:36Yeah. Him!
06:38It's not, is it?
06:41Well, I...
06:43I didn't mean to hurt anybody.
06:46I know. I know. Come here.
06:49I know.
06:52I love you.
06:57Pamela.
06:58I killed her!
07:00We've tried to inform the next of kin, but that doesn't appear to be any.
07:09No, there won't be Pam's quite an acquired taste.
07:12So what exactly is this about?
07:13Well, given that Ms Anderson turned out to be alive,
07:17we've run some tests and found something rather curious.
07:20Pam's blood results show an abnormally high level of a stimulant drug
07:24for which there's no medical reason for her to be taking,
07:26which I think means...
07:28She's on the crank.
07:30She was poisoned by someone trying to induce a heart attack.
07:34Bloody hell.
07:36This village is like Midsomer murders.
07:38Yes.
07:39Except this would be Midsomer attempted murders,
07:41because, as I say, she's not actually dead.
07:44No, thanks to you.
07:46What the hell?
07:47Do you want to start that?
07:49I don't think...
07:51Do you want to start that?
07:52I don't think...
07:54Do you want to start that?
07:55Do you want to start?
07:58Can you make this out?
07:59Why would you come to a search without your specs?
08:14I've got them so the arm's loose, so they keep falling off me face.
08:17I think that's the chemist in town.
08:25What did Dr. Donut say about Pam's next-of-kin?
08:27She didn't have any.
08:29Exactly.
08:30So why would she be meeting with this guy?
08:32I can't read that either.
08:35He does wills.
08:38William, get packing.
08:39Debbie, come on. This is not the answer.
08:42You heard Harold. I have no choice.
08:44That's not what he was saying.
08:46Listen, I don't want to run away.
08:48I'm tired and old and actually technically dead.
08:52We're not running away. We're taking a holiday.
08:54Debbie.
08:55A weekend away, then?
08:56No.
08:57A road trip, a getaway, a couple's retreat.
09:01Look, I'm not going to stand here and play word hippo with you.
09:03We cannot take a holiday from guilt.
09:07Mini break.
09:10Oh, look.
09:11What am I going to do, then?
09:22I think you know.
09:33You do the pharmacy. I'll do the solicitor.
09:35I'll do the solicitor.
09:36Yes, go.
09:38Cooey!
09:39I thought we agreed you'd keep your head down.
09:41Yeah, I'm like a hippo, aren't I?
09:43Just keep on popping up for air.
09:45Did you know that hippos produce their own sun cream?
09:48I'm really busy, Debbie.
09:49Yeah, I know.
09:50I need to talk to you about, um, Pamela.
09:53That's what I'm busy with.
09:54You're looking for the culprit?
09:55Yeah.
09:56Yeah.
09:57Yeah, well, look no further.
09:59It was me.
10:01What are you on about?
10:03Well, I might not have literally plunged my hand into her heart
10:07and pulled the valves out of her.
10:10The, um, what are valves in?
10:13Sockets?
10:14Flanges, is it?
10:15No, flaps, flaps.
10:16No, anyway, shush, Debbie, it doesn't matter.
10:19I now realise, thanks to your husband,
10:23that I bear responsibility for her death.
10:27Right, is that everything?
10:28Aren't you going to take me in?
10:31No.
10:32Why not?
10:34Because Pam's not bloody dead, Debbie.
10:38Although she was being poisoned.
10:42What a...
10:43I didn't do that.
10:44No, I know.
10:45I'm on my way to the pharmacy now.
10:48Is it...
10:50Is it...
10:51What do you mean?
10:53How have you got yourself into this?
10:56That's funny.
10:57That's exactly what St Peter said last night.
11:00I just had a dream.
11:02Inspired, no doubt, by my flirtation with hard drugs.
11:06I was at the gates of heaven,
11:08being given a stern grilling by St Peter,
11:11who weirdly looked like Richard Osman.
11:14I can see that.
11:15He had his little clipboard out there.
11:16Is this St Peter or Osman?
11:17Both, same.
11:18Of course.
11:19He was asking me if I could make an argument
11:21of why a lying fraudster should be let into heaven.
11:25What did you say?
11:26I've made the best arguments available to me.
11:28Which was?
11:29Well, like I said, it was all your mother's fault.
11:31Want some jelly?
11:32What flavour is it?
11:34Pauld pie.
11:36No, thank you.
11:42You did hide it.
11:43I just want a quiet life, Harry.
11:46Looks like I'm not going to get one without being actually dead.
11:58Hello.
11:59We're here for Widow Club.
12:00Right, my mum's not here right now.
12:01I'm not sure when she'll be back.
12:02Oh, that's fine.
12:03First of all, Widow Club is we don't mind waiting.
12:04Sure, I mean, but I do have stuff I need to be getting on.
12:06Yeah, crack on then, love.
12:07You won't even know we're here.
12:08You all right?
12:09Yeah.
12:10A couple of teas wouldn't go amiss.
12:11Of course.
12:12Yeah.
12:13Who could be poisoning Pamela?
12:14Well, maybe someone she was blackmailing wanted revenge.
12:16Oh, I would do my best.
12:17I would do my best.
12:18I would do my best.
12:19You all right?
12:20Yeah.
12:21A couple of teas wouldn't go amiss.
12:22Of course.
12:23No.
12:24Who could be poisoning Pamela?
12:25Well, maybe someone she was blackmailing wanted revenge.
12:26Well, I would do many things, but I won't do that.
12:27All right, meatloaf.
12:28It's a proper mystery, isn't it?
12:29A tough nut to swallow.
12:30I know, and usually it's quite easy, because it's always...
12:31The husband.
12:32Yeah.
12:33Did Pamela ever have a husband?
12:34Yeah.
12:35A couple of teas wouldn't go amiss.
12:36A couple of teas wouldn't go amiss.
12:37Of course.
12:38Yeah.
12:39Who could be poisoning Pamela?
12:40Well, maybe someone she was blackmailing wanted revenge.
12:41Well, I would do many things, but I won't do that.
12:44All right, meatloaf.
12:45It's a proper mystery, isn't it?
12:47A tough nut to swallow.
12:49I know, and usually it's quite easy, because it's always...
12:52The husband.
12:53Yeah.
12:54Did Pamela ever have a fella?
12:56Pamela?
12:57No.
12:58Why not?
12:59Neha, Pamela's a lady's lady.
13:01What, posh?
13:03No.
13:04Lady's lady.
13:05Oh, I see.
13:07I never realised.
13:08Yeah.
13:09She's a very private person.
13:10I think that's why I find her so boring.
13:12Actually, have you told Harold that she's alive?
13:14No, why?
13:15Because I'd like to do that.
13:17I knew it wasn't my fault.
13:19It's for modafinil, but the names are legible.
13:26What's modafinil used for?
13:28It's a stimulant.
13:29Erm, it can be prescribed for narcolepsy.
13:32Do we know anyone with narcolepsy?
13:34Can I help?
13:35Oh, er, no.
13:36I'm good.
13:37Thanks.
13:38Please.
13:39Come on, sit back down.
13:40Oh, okay.
13:41Harry, can I tell you something just between us?
13:47Yeah, of course, Jean.
13:48It's only us here.
13:49I'd rather not be alone in there.
13:50Right.
13:51It's nice to have company that's awake.
13:52Do you know what I mean?
13:53Hmm.
13:54So, may I?
13:55Oh, no, no, no.
13:56I'm good.
13:57Thanks.
13:58Please.
13:59Come on, sit back down.
14:00Oh, okay.
14:01Harry, can I tell you something just between us?
14:03Yeah, of course, Jean.
14:04It's only us here.
14:05I'd rather not be alone in there.
14:07Right.
14:08It's nice to have company that's awake.
14:10Do you know what I mean?
14:11Hmm.
14:12So, may I?
14:14Oh, no, yeah, sure.
14:27Here we go, Jean.
14:28Thanks.
14:31Did you hear about Pamela?
14:32Oh, yeah.
14:34Terribly sad.
14:35I just can't think what gave her a heart attack.
14:38I know.
14:39I know.
14:40It's a real mystery.
14:41Hey, Jean, are you sure you don't want to go into the living room?
14:45Oh, no, no, thank you.
14:46I'm fine here.
14:48In fact, while I remember, I brought some homemade cupcakes, triple chocolate.
14:55Oh, Jean, you shouldn't have.
14:57Oh, I enjoy it.
14:59Baking keeps my mind off everything.
15:02Hmm.
15:05Right, so we should head back to the station and work out what Billy's up to.
15:17No.
15:18No, I have to check in with Susan.
15:19Why?
15:20What's she doing?
15:21I shouldn't really tell you.
15:23Oh, come on.
15:24I'm on the team.
15:26Okay, well, we did find some evidence that Pam might have changed her will recently with a solicitor.
15:32Oh.
15:33Hence why you're asking about a boyfriend.
15:35Very good.
15:36Oh.
15:37Officer?
15:38Yes?
15:39We don't do a lot of modafinil, so I checked when we last fulfilled a 400 milligram prescription.
15:42And?
15:43I hope it's okay that I did that.
15:44I didn't mean to overstep or anything.
15:46I just...
15:47And I know it can be a bit beaky and my mum says...
15:48Oh, my God.
15:49Spit it out.
15:50It was last Thursday.
15:53Oh, let's have a look.
15:55Oh, there's your Parkinson's thief again.
16:05Any luck finding him yet?
16:07No.
16:08He's proven a bit of a ghost.
16:15Gov.
16:16So, I just spoke to the solicitor.
16:18Oh, is that Susan?
16:19Turn her up.
16:20Hello?
16:21Who's that?
16:22It's Debbie.
16:23It's Debbie Fenden.
16:24Oh, hiya, Debbie.
16:25You all right?
16:26Yeah, fine.
16:27Just keeping on, keeping on, you know.
16:29You still bowling?
16:31Yeah, trying to, but I've been having trouble with a jippy knee recently.
16:35I might have some gel for that, actually.
16:37I've tried the gel, thanks.
16:38It's too sticky.
16:39No, sorry, ladies.
16:40Can we just focus?
16:41Yeah, okay.
16:42It should be here any second.
16:44So, yeah, I spoke to the solicitor.
16:47Nice guy, but savage BO.
16:49And Pam's will was updated six weeks ago.
16:53And you'll never guess the beneficiary.
16:58Oh, my God.
17:00Jean.
17:01Oh!
17:02I was hoping to surprise you.
17:05Oh, Jean.
17:06Oh, these are delicious, Jean.
17:13Is that, is that maple syrup I can taste?
17:15You've got a good palate.
17:17Yeah, I ate a lot of pancakes on a holiday to Florida once.
17:19Oh, was that with your mum and dad?
17:20Yeah.
17:21Such a shame what happened to your dad.
17:23Mm, yeah.
17:25No, we miss him.
17:29Forgive me, Jean, sorry.
17:31Suddenly I feel quite tired.
17:33That's okay, love.
17:36Those cupcakes are lovely, though.
17:38Yeah.
17:39I always find the maple syrup is a perfect flavour combination
17:42for the gamma-hydroxybutyrate.
17:44Right.
17:45Sorry, what did you say?
17:46The gamma-hydroxy what now?
17:47It's more commonly known as GHB.
17:50Okay.
17:51And that's, that's good at cupcakes, is it?
17:54It is, if you want to incapacitate someone.
17:57Right.
17:58And why would you want to do that?
17:59Oh, I've still not got it.
18:01Hey, got what?
18:02Your mum always said you were a bit slow-witted.
18:05Huh?
18:07I'm here to get my money.
18:16Now that Pam's gone, I'm on a bit of a ticking clock, you see.
18:20Sorry, wait, wait.
18:21How did you know that was in there?
18:24Can you keep a secret?
18:26I'm not really blind.
18:29I'm not really blind.
18:33And I've known all along, William.
18:38Oh, hello.
18:40Hiya.
18:43You told everyone you were blind.
18:57No, that's not fair.
18:58I never said I was blind.
18:59I said I was visually impaired.
19:01What's the difference?
19:02What have you got all day?
19:04Wait, so what is your impairment?
19:06Just double vision, really.
19:08For fuck's sake.
19:09Instead of being blind, you can see two of me.
19:13Yeah, it's funny really, eh?
19:15I don't think it's funny.
19:16I think it's a bit rum.
19:18Coming from you?
19:19You've got a nerve, you fendons.
19:22Now, if you don't mind, I have got a flight to catch.
19:28I'll be seeing you then, all four of you.
19:31Probably in hell if you believe in that sort of thing.
19:36Take that, you loathsome mole-eyed bumhole!
19:42Told you I was saving it for a special occasion.
19:46Finally I can retire.
19:49Oh, bloody hell.
19:58It's like Jonestown.
20:19After her arrest six weeks ago, it emerged that Jean Cottrell seduced Pamela Anderson, a local vulnerable woman, and had been slowly poisoning her with modafinil, which she'd been stealing from another villager in order to cause a heart attack.
20:32Her plan was to steal the inheritance.
20:34Cottrell, who's partially sighted, even led Pamela and other villagers to believe that she was, in fact, completely blind.
20:41This has been a shockingly dramatic case in this small, quiet and peaceful village.
20:46Well, I was surprised, but then I'm not.
20:50If you ask me, this village is a little bit damned.
20:53Why do they always use the stupidest people for Vox Pops?
20:57Yeah.
20:58I just can't believe it.
20:59You know, we're flabbergasted.
21:00This is a law-abiding, quiet, transparent community.
21:05So there isn't a lot of crime here?
21:07Why not?
21:08There's no crime here.
21:09There's no crime at all.
21:10I leave my doors open.
21:11Anybody who wants to come into my house can come into my house.
21:13There's absolutely nothing to hide there at all.
21:16Cottrell was charged with attempted murder, but that was dropped in exchange for her pleading guilty to administering a toxic substance.
21:24She's now been sentenced to four and a half years.
21:28Meanwhile, for Pamela Anderson, thankfully, it's time for her to be reunited with old friends.
21:34This is Steve Nibbs in Culberton.
21:36Oh.
21:37Plans to build the UK's largest...
21:39Amazing she survived, really.
21:42Doctor said she had more amphetamine in her system than Diego Maradona.
21:46Jean Cartrell's super-villain.
21:48Who'd have thought, Mum?
21:50You weren't the biggest criminal in the village.
21:52You weren't even the biggest criminal in Widow Club.
21:54Excuse me, I'm not a criminal.
21:56You're only a criminal if you get caught.
21:58I'm not sure that's how it works.
22:00Oh, wind your neck in, PC pedant.
22:02Sorry to be slow, but if Pamela's innocent, why did she put the blackmail letter in your pocket at the casino club?
22:08Because Jean asked her to.
22:10Told her it was a voucher for Lakeland.
22:13Poor old girl.
22:15Was being used as a totally unwitting mule.
22:18Yeah, and you nearly killed her.
22:20Oh, Harold.
22:21Do you ever let anything go?
22:24So, did we get the Lakeland voucher?
22:26Because they do a very good range of dual-ended silicon spatulas that can get right into the crannies of a yoghurt pot.
22:34Scoop it all out.
22:37No.
22:39Right, we must get on.
22:41Guests arriving in an hour.
22:43All hands on deck for nibble prep.
22:47And remember, don't let Billy have too much quiche, or she'll be guffing all afternoon.
22:51One minute I was grilling a chop, the next it was like being back at the Falklands.
22:59And it was a guinea pig.
23:01Oh, yeah.
23:02It's got a scar from its little teeth.
23:04Show her.
23:05I'll take you off.
23:07I just feel so foolish.
23:10You must forgive yourself.
23:12Sometimes a good heart doesn't see the bad.
23:15That's very profound, Rupert.
23:18Isn't this nice?
23:19You've just committed fraud.
23:21You've got a whole way with being blackmailed.
23:23You've narrowly avoided killing one of your best friends and still have your supposedly dead husband in the loft.
23:28And so you decide to invite the whole village round for house party.
23:32Exactly.
23:33If all that isn't cause for celebration.
23:35I don't know what is.
23:38Ow!
23:39Sorry, Jeff.
23:40Not again.
23:41Bloody hell.
23:42She will need top grades for medicine, like myself.
23:45Yeah?
23:46Yeah, it's a difficult thing.
23:47You didn't drill in your way.
23:48Yes, I do say yes.
23:49That's the one I've got here.
23:50So I've got a big one.
23:51Yeah.
23:52Yeah, okay.
23:53Crystal's a stone.
23:54Sorry, just help.
23:55It's always more.
23:56Do you believe I do that?
23:57I know you don't.
23:58I do.
23:59I don't know.
24:00I don't know.
24:01I'll find it clean the moisture and they might think very soon, but...
24:02Oh, okay.
24:04Ah, there they are, Harry Potter and Dobby.
24:34I got a bit bored.
24:36Yeah, tell me about it.
24:40Come on then, budge up.
24:41Oh.
24:42Ooh, yes please, okay.
24:51Oh, sh-sh-sh-sh-sh-sh-sh-sh-sh-sh-sh-sh-sh-sh-sh-sh-sh-sh-sh-sh-sh-sh-sh-sh-sh-sh.
24:57Excuse me, do you have any hands, Sam?
25:14Because I accidentally brushed that man's corduroy trousers.
25:18And the grooves are terrible for harbouring bacteria and d- no, sorry, I don't have any.
25:23You know, the last few weeks is the most we've been together since I left school.
25:36All it took was your dad dying.
25:38I've always brought people together, first in life, now in death.
25:46And when you think about it, I'm not unlike Jesus.
25:50Which makes Mum watch his pilot.
25:53Oh, that's very bloody rude.
25:58Do you think your own mother would murder the son of God?
26:01No, it was a joke.
26:02Well, it's not funny.
26:04All right, sorry.
26:06When will you learn that your supposed jokes are actually very offensive?
26:11All right, I'm hardly Dave Chappelle.
26:13Who's that?
26:23Oh.
26:44Can you keep a secret?
26:48Yeaah!
26:57.
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