- 21 hours ago
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TVTranscript
00:00Can you keep a secret?
00:02It turns out I hadn't died.
00:03Oh my god.
00:04Dad?
00:05The money from your dad's life insurance finally came through.
00:08You've still earned a quarter of a million quid.
00:10We did want that money for you and Neha and the boys.
00:13This is fraud. You can go to prison.
00:15I know, but we've put you in a tiny bit of an impossible situation.
00:18You mustn't tell Neha. You could put her career at risk.
00:21I can't believe he's actually got a...
00:23I know. Neither can we.
00:30Oh!
00:50Oi! You! Can't you read?
00:52It says no junk mail!
00:54No, it don't.
00:57Oh.
01:00William!
01:03That tosspot son of yours has vandalised the sign again.
01:07The sign again.
01:08The sign again.
01:09The sign again.
01:10The sign again.
01:12The sign again.
01:13Yeah, first on all.
01:14I could still follow him earlier.
01:15Oh, I can't just hide.
01:16That's alright.
01:17Now there's a wrong challenge at this one.
01:18What the sign again knows?
01:19When Mr B.
01:19Is he sleeping?
01:20Oh, well, he's sleeping.
01:21Yeah, no, those angels go to me.
01:22I don't know it.
01:23I cross my Stephen Jones.
01:25Yeah, do you think he's too far?
01:26So what kind of thing may look?
01:27Yeah, I importa.
01:28Are you?
01:29That
01:39You dig?
01:41Mom!
01:51Jack!
01:53Hello?
01:58Hello?
02:02Oh, my God.
02:03Oh, my God.
02:05Oh, my God.
02:06No, no, no.
02:07No, no, no.
02:08No, no, no, no.
02:09Jack.
02:10What the hell are you doing?
02:15It's just a bit of fun.
02:17No, you're scared the shit out of me.
02:19That's what makes it fun.
02:20How many times are you going to make me think you're dead?
02:22Well, as long as we keep getting a good reaction.
02:24It serves you right for the sign.
02:26It's a good hat, isn't it?
02:27Yeah.
02:28It's all about the little flourishes.
02:30Yeah.
02:32Your face!
02:37What are these for?
02:38You want a boy to buy some flowers for his mummy?
02:40No.
02:41And don't call me mummy.
02:42It's creepy.
02:43Yeah.
02:44And it's for me.
02:45Yes.
02:47I also treated me and Neha to a jet washer with some of the insurance money.
02:51Yeah, sweet.
02:52Which one?
02:53The Carter K5 power control with the dirt blaster and the spray lance.
02:56Is that actually in the blue if you want to give it a go?
02:58That does sound like my idea of fun.
03:00But, uh, unfortunately, I've just got something urgent to attend to first.
03:04Ah, ah, ah, ah!
03:05William Fendon?
03:06Where do you think you're going?
03:08Just upstairs.
03:09Do you think I was born yesterday?
03:11No.
03:12I know you're 67.
03:14Right.
03:15Go ahead.
03:16Hand them over.
03:18And what over?
03:20Don't make me wrestle you again.
03:22Not in front of the child.
03:25You're a cruel woman.
03:36Cruel, cruel woman.
03:39So very, very cruel.
03:44Cruel.
03:47Cruel!
03:49It is a bit cruel.
03:51Harold, he's an addict.
03:53And he's going to eat himself into an early grave.
03:56Another one.
03:57And next time, there won't be a payout to soften the blow.
04:09Isn't that incredible?
04:10I never knew our patio even looked like that.
04:12It's nice you found a hobby.
04:14Yeah.
04:15Since we got it, me and Harry just look at everything now like...
04:18I could jet-wash the shit out of that.
04:20Have you got that needs blasting?
04:23Brick work.
04:24Garden furniture.
04:25We'll do it on.
04:26No, I personally don't like jet-washers.
04:28We had a terrible experience last summer.
04:31Neil was doing our patio.
04:33He'd just plugged in when he saw Chloe's guinea pig in the garden.
04:37Because it was a hot day, he thought he'd give her a quick drink from the hose.
04:40That's nice.
04:41You haven't appreciated the power.
04:44Poor thing flew nearly 200 feet.
04:46And that wasn't the worst of it.
04:48You know Geoff Varley from the Bulls Club?
04:50Yeah.
04:51He was in his garden having a barbecue.
04:53He barbecued the guinea pig?
04:56Oh.
04:57No.
04:58He got hit by it.
04:59But something that size fired at that speed.
05:02It's like he'd been struck by a mortar.
05:05Poor Neil was in bits.
05:07What about the guinea pig?
05:09Bluebell actually stayed in one piece.
05:11Dead though.
05:12Broken back.
05:14Still.
05:17Nice show of enjoying it.
05:19Your foxes are very regular, aren't they?
05:24They must eat a lot of fibre.
05:25Tell me about it.
05:27I must say, it's nice to see you more cheerful.
05:30I did consider being mortally offended.
05:32But then I figured you and Dad have always done deranged things,
05:34so I might as well get something out of you this time.
05:37Yeah.
05:38What, like the jet hoser?
05:39Oh yeah.
05:40I mean, you know, being able to pay rent, feed our children,
05:43that's good too, but a karcher?
05:46That's something me and Neha could have only dreamed of before.
05:49Neha and I.
05:53See, sometimes Mum knows best.
05:56There is one fly in the ointment.
05:58Oh?
06:00We can't keep lying to her.
06:02No, but what other option do we have?
06:05Will you tell her the truth?
06:07Well, no, we definitely can't do that.
06:09I have to.
06:10We're married.
06:11She's a police officer.
06:12She's worked so hard to get where she is.
06:15And you want to compromise that so you can feel better about yourself.
06:18Selfish, Harold.
06:20Very, very, very selfish.
06:23What you need to do is go home, give her a little cuddle
06:26and stop thinking about yourself for a minute.
06:28It is often made that Britain is too centralised.
06:42Do you know, I never realised how utterly dreadful television is without chocolate.
06:46You're just withdrawing from the sugar.
06:49You'll come out the other side much stronger.
06:51I don't want to come out the other side if this is what my life's going to be like.
06:55This shroud of colourless misery.
06:59This world of despair.
07:02Insipid fog.
07:04It's been four hours.
07:06Please, can I pop to the petrol station?
07:08Well, of course you bloody can't.
07:10What have you seen?
07:11Oh, wear a disguise.
07:13I'm not having this argument again.
07:15You know the rules.
07:17Well, no, I don't actually because you keep bloody changing them.
07:20See, you run this house like Guantanamo Bay, but with less humanity.
07:32Rumsfeld.
07:33William!
07:34Don't turn it up!
07:39Sorry, why is this?
07:40I just wanted to do something nice for your mum, you know?
07:42To thank her for the money.
07:43Yeah, got it.
07:44Who did it?
07:46Lovely Martha in the market.
07:48Doesn't she usually paint pets?
07:49Yeah.
07:50Which is why this is even more impressive.
07:52I mean, I only asked her to do it last week.
07:54Imagine being able to paint that quick.
07:57I think you can tell she normally does animals.
07:59Why?
08:01Well, we've got paws.
08:03My mum looks like a spaniel.
08:06And she's given me whiskers.
08:09I think that's meant to be stubble.
08:14Come here.
08:15I'm sorry.
08:16I'm sorry.
08:17I don't mean to upset you.
08:18It's just that it's a bit...
08:21Triggering to see your dad again.
08:25If you like.
08:26Sorry.
08:27Hopefully your mum will like it more than you do.
08:30Oh, no, we shouldn't show it to her.
08:32But hers is being delivered tomorrow.
08:34Sorry, you bought this painting twice?
08:36Yeah.
08:37Why?
08:38Is that not a good idea?
08:39No.
08:40Oh.
08:42No, it's a phenomenal idea.
08:44What?
08:45Oh.
08:46Oh, no.
08:47Oh.
08:48Oh.
08:49Oh.
08:52No, no.
08:54Oh.
08:55Oh.
08:56Oh.
08:57What is this?
09:27I told you.
09:28I think I'd remember if you told me you were hosting a charity fundraising night in memory of Dad.
09:32Why?
09:33Because he's not dead.
09:34Oh, gosh, you take everything so literally.
09:37OK, so your Dad might not be dead physically, but emotionally, you know, he's been gone since the 90s.
09:43Getting people to donate money under false pretenses is unethical.
09:46Oh, don't give me that.
09:48You got over your ethics pretty quickly when you realised it got you a jet hoser.
09:53I'm just delighted the money's going to go to some humans for once.
09:57Fed up with all these animal shelters hoovering up the cash.
10:02Oh, our kitchens have got wheels instead of back legs.
10:05This is bad juju.
10:07Why?
10:08We're raising money for charity.
10:10If anything, that's good juju, whatever juju is.
10:13What is juju?
10:14Oh, I can't.
10:15Please come.
10:19It would be really nice to put on a united front, you know.
10:23Plus, the bereaved family, you know, all together, that will grease a few wallets.
10:29And we'll need that because they're tight as a Nats Fanny down that club.
10:33Why am I so...jowly?
10:39She paints a lot of dogs.
10:48I'll just be a sec.
10:52Harry, we're at Code Red.
10:54What are you doing?
10:55Neil's right there.
10:56Your mother's gone all Taliban.
10:58She's banned chocolate and biscuits.
11:00Chocolate biscuits.
11:01And she's making me flaxseed.
11:03Do you know how they make flaxseed?
11:05No.
11:05Well, they hoover up all the dried guff from under the sofa cushion.
11:08They stick it in a bag and write flaxseed on it.
11:10Now, it's not the time for one of your flaps.
11:12This is not a flap.
11:13I feel like I'm in Requiem for a dream.
11:15I've got the shakes and it's not from the Parkinson's.
11:18Well, can't you order some online?
11:19No, I tried, but Fritzel in there's got wise to it and hidden the router.
11:22Hiding the router will make a difference, Dad.
11:24The internet's wireless.
11:25Harry, Neha is right there.
11:27I haven't got time for a computer lesson.
11:28Just get me some chocolate.
11:31I should make sure it's dairy milk, not Galaxy,
11:34which, as far as I'm concerned, is made with sour cream and earwax,
11:36which I quite like, but not in chocolate.
11:41Can you open the boot, please?
11:42Yeah.
11:49We'll have to come straight from work.
12:00Pigfish has been back at the pumps.
12:01Oh, God.
12:02Not a pretty sight.
12:03Well, don't commission a portrait of it, then.
12:05Very good.
12:06No phones on the forecourt.
12:09Look, I'll pick Mum up and take her to the balls club.
12:11Bye, we'll meet you there.
12:12Bye.
12:13Okay, bye.
12:13Love you.
12:14Love you.
12:14I tell you this, it's a disgrace what you let him get away with.
12:20He's gone right up to the hill, Tom, this one.
12:24Bloody hell.
12:26I'm surprised he can walk.
12:39Where are you going?
12:42Nowhere.
12:44What's in that bag?
12:47Nothing.
13:03Dad.
13:06Dad.
13:10Dad.
13:11Dad.
13:14Dad.
13:15Dad.
13:15Dad.
13:16Dad.
13:16Dad.
13:16Dad.
13:16Dad.
13:17Dad.
13:17Dad.
13:18Dad.
13:18Dad.
13:18Dad.
13:18Dad.
13:19Dad.
13:19Dad.
13:19Dad.
13:20Dad.
13:20Oh, dear.
13:20Harry.
13:20William?
13:25Harry.
13:25William?
13:26Oh, dear.
13:27Harry.
13:28What have you done?
13:29Well, I jumped out on him.
13:31Why?
13:31Well, why not?
13:32Because you've knocked him out, you idiot.
13:34I didn't mean to.
13:35I'm just so bored.
13:36Oh, God.
13:38You're going to have to patch him up because I've got to get ready.
13:41How am I going to do that?
13:44Harry, Harry, come on.
13:45Oh.
13:46Harry.
13:47Oh.
13:49I see now.
13:58Right.
13:59I'm as shocked as you are.
14:00Oh, don't even try it, you devious hound.
14:04Oh, dear.
14:08Harry.
14:08Harry.
14:09You know, they say that the saddest thing about betrayal
14:13is that it starts with trust and ends with betrayal
14:18of trust that that betrayal is the trust of.
14:22That's your fault.
14:33Yeah, let's get that.
14:38Whoa, whoa, whoa.
14:39What are you doing?
14:40Sorry, I haven't got any plaster, so we...
14:42I'll be OK.
14:44Hmm?
14:45Hmm?
14:46Hmm?
14:47Intruder alert.
14:48Intruder alert.
14:49There is a sensor I installed, so I thought it'd be good
14:52to have some advance warning of any visitors.
14:54But I think I may have installed it on a pigeon flight path
14:59or something because it just keeps going off when no one's there.
15:01OK.
15:02That sounds normal.
15:03Hmm?
15:04Look, I'm sorry about the chocolate, Dad.
15:06I'd like to say it's OK, but let's be honest,
15:08it's an effing disaster.
15:10Well, if you will, let Mum control your life.
15:12It doesn't control my life.
15:14Apart from legally killing you, making you live in the loft
15:17and governing what you eat.
15:19The thing about marriage, Harry,
15:21is that there's only ever two people
15:22who really know what's going on.
15:25Hmm?
15:25You know what your grandmother said to us on our wedding day?
15:28Princess Diana was murdered.
15:29It was Prince Philip what done it?
15:30No, that came later.
15:31No, no, she said,
15:32don't try to be perfect, just be honest.
15:36And I can honestly say that every single day of our marriage,
15:39your mother and I have worked very hard to not be perfect.
15:43We're honest to her fault.
15:44Right, tweedle-dee and tweedle-twat.
15:46See what I mean?
15:47Mm-hmm.
15:48Have you printed up my speech, William?
15:49Yep.
15:50There it is.
15:51All right.
15:52Big font?
15:53The biggest.
15:54Jumbo sans.
15:55OK.
15:56Wait, wait, wait.
15:56What speech?
15:57Oh, it's a little keynote.
15:59You know, nothing special.
16:00Tight ten.
16:03Come on, traitor.
16:04We don't want to be late.
16:05I'm sorry, Willis.
16:12How do you cope with his driving?
16:15He's so timid.
16:17It's like getting a lift on a milk float.
16:19To be fair, he is a bad driver, so he's right to be nervous.
16:22You want to feel the steering wheel after he's been on a dual carriageway?
16:24He's dripping with sweat.
16:25So haven't you got that sorted yet?
16:27Do you remember I told you, you can get your sweaty palms electrocuted?
16:30Because Billy did it to her armpits.
16:32Lovely.
16:33Can we go inside, please?
16:34Because I don't...
16:35Yeah.
16:36Hey, is that dried blood in your hair?
16:39Oh, he, um, conked himself while he was figuring out some of his dad's possessions.
16:45Didn't he?
16:46Hmm.
16:47I did, did I?
16:48Yes, you did.
16:49Yeah.
16:50Oh, look.
16:51Oh.
16:52Mum, this isn't going to be over the top, is it?
16:55Harold, it is a simple casino night with a modest request for charitable donations
17:00and a short multimedia presentation.
17:30Oh, my gosh.
17:33Ahem.
17:33Hmm.
18:04Well, I'm going to get some air.
18:17Harry! Harry! Wait! Wait!
18:20Are you okay?
18:21I needed some air.
18:22Why? Is it your head? Are you feeling sick?
18:26I think I need a bit of time to myself.
18:29Harry, you can't even shut the toilet door because you don't like being alone.
18:32What is this about?
18:33I can't. I can't. I've got it.
18:34We're a team, remember?
18:37Yeah.
18:37I know. I know, but...
18:39Tummy to tummy.
18:43Cheek to cheek.
18:46So then, can you really not tell me?
18:51No.
18:52But I can't show you. Come on.
18:55What about your mum?
18:57I'm sorry. Get in.
18:58I'm sorry. Get in.
18:58Get in.
19:29Well, that was very, um, William.
19:51Yes, William.
19:52William.
19:54Debbie, do you want to...
19:55Yes, yes, yes.
20:01Right, um, well, uh, where to start?
20:06Um, in the words of Bob Geldof,
20:10Give me your fucking money!
20:14I think that's what he said, but more Irish and that.
20:17I can't do Irish.
20:19So, um, to be serious for a moment.
20:22We're here to have a good time, but we're also here to raise money for a very important cause.
20:29As all of you know, my darling William was a Parkinson's sufferer.
20:35And, uh, boy, did we suffer endlessly hearing about it.
20:46No, no, it is a cruel disease.
20:49I've written, um, a proper speech, but, um, it's in my jacket pocket.
20:57Do you mind passing that to me?
21:00Cheers, Geoff.
21:02Lovely.
21:06Right.
21:06What's happening?
21:33I don't know.
21:34Sorry about that.
21:36I wasn't expecting that font.
21:38It's a bit...
21:38Uh, William was dead.
21:46It was Parkinson's...
21:47Sorry, I actually feel like I'm gonna pass out.
21:53Oh, God.
21:55Call an ambulance.
21:56I've seen this before.
21:57She's having a stroke.
21:59Can I step back, please?
22:00Give me air.
22:01Give me air.
22:03When we first met, I was up front about my parents being mad, right?
22:06Where are you going with this?
22:07Just tell me.
22:07You warned me about their peculiarities, yes.
22:10And you still married me.
22:11You had all the data and you still went through with it.
22:12I took the apple turns and conditions too.
22:14Don't mean I actually look at them.
22:15But, yes, I married you, not your parents.
22:18Good, because I love you.
22:20And I may not be perfect.
22:21No, you're not perfect.
22:23But I am honest.
22:23Oh, Harry, if this is about you doing poppers in Year 6,
22:26I told you, I don't care.
22:27No, no, no, it's not.
22:27It's not.
22:28It's about my dad.
22:30I don't have to say this, so I think I'm just gonna say it.
22:34He's still alive.
22:36Oh, love.
22:37I did have an inkling.
22:39We see it a lot at work.
22:41Really?
22:41I didn't think it'd be that common.
22:43Oh, yeah.
22:44People get delayed concussion all the time.
22:46I mean, it can sometimes come on hours.
22:48Or even days.
22:49No, no, no, no.
22:50I'm not concussed.
22:50Well, you are.
22:51But that's why you're being extra weird.
22:53And in some ways, you're right.
22:56Your dad ain't dead.
22:57Not in here.
22:59No, he ain't dead.
23:00And he's in there.
23:02He's in the loft.
23:03Come on.
23:03Your parents have a loft.
23:12It's funny.
23:13It's not annoying.
23:13Dad!
23:15Dad!
23:16Open up, it's me!
23:17It's Harry, your son!
23:20Maybe he's listening to something.
23:21He has been talking about these noise-cancelling headphones recently.
23:24Niall.
23:24He must be here, though.
23:25He can't leave the house.
23:26And he'll know we're here because he's got this little motion system thing
23:29that tells him when people are coming down the drive.
23:31Although he might have thought we were just pigeons.
23:32Pigeons?
23:34And lies.
23:39Him and my mum have been doing this thing recently
23:41where they're with his, like, wolf hat.
23:43And they creep up on me unexpectedly.
23:45They just jump out.
23:47All right.
23:50Harry, I love you, OK?
23:51And you are going to be fine.
23:52But right now, we need to face the fact that you are having
23:54a not-insignificant psychotic episode.
23:56Right, no, I'm not.
23:57I'm not, OK?
23:58No, I'm not.
23:59Yeah, so if you just keep breathing,
24:00and if you want to hold my hand, that's also fine.
24:02You can squeeze it tight.
24:04Oh, that is very sweaty.
24:07All right, I'm going to call the babysitter.
24:09No.
24:09Take you to A&E and get you checked out.
24:11A&E, no, I'm not making...
24:12No call or ID.
24:16Oh.
24:17It could be one of those scambots.
24:19I'm not sure that's our biggest problem right now.
24:21Yeah, you're right.
24:22It might be my dad.
24:24Hello?
24:26Oh, hi, Billy.
24:30What?
24:31Oh, my God.
24:33Well, yeah, of course.
24:33Yeah, we'll, uh, we'll come now.
24:35What's happened?
24:36It's my mum.
24:37She...
24:37They think she's had a stroke.
24:39What's going on?
24:47They think it's severe dehydration.
24:49Oh, thank God.
24:50So, so not a stroke?
24:51No, no.
24:52I think it all just got too much for her, you know, with the emotion.
24:55You pull, Mum.
24:56She puts on a brave face, but she's obviously grieving very intensely.
25:01You take me home, please.
25:04Get in the back.
25:04Hold on.
25:05Are you serious?
25:06I've just had a stroke.
25:18Just drive me.
25:20Oh, God.
25:21Oh, God.
25:30Mum, just so you know, I've told Nihar about Dad.
25:32Yeah, so I know you didn't want me to, but I've done it anyway.
25:38Mum.
25:40Mum.
25:40Oh, Harry, just leave it.
25:41No, she needs to tell you the truth.
25:43I'm sorry.
25:44You should have just gotten checked out by the paramedics back there.
25:47Yeah.
25:47Excuse me, you don't talk about me like I'm a child.
25:49Well, don't behave like one, then.
25:52It's been a long day.
25:53I just need some rest.
25:55But for what it's worth, I am sorry.
25:57You are?
25:58Yes, I should have got you to the hospital earlier, because you're clearly concussed.
26:02This is bad to choose your mum if it's really, really bad.
26:05You're like a Gatling gun of lies.
26:07I am not lying, Harold.
26:10Look, I am sorry that your dad has died, but we all have to come to terms with it.
26:16Going on and on at me isn't going to change that.
26:19Now, obviously, you have suffered a traumatic head injury,
26:23but just being rude to me is not going to bring your father back.
26:26Oh, dearie.
26:32Oh, there we go.
26:34Oh.
26:35That's evening.
26:38Oh, it's just a bit of a squeeze, isn't it?
26:43Anyone want a chunk?
26:45Fruit and nut.
26:47What are you doing?
26:49Just pop to the petrol station.
26:52You have to hold me, right?
26:54You massive twat.
26:58Don't plug.
26:59No matter what.
27:00I don't think it's a thing.
27:02Yay!
27:12I don't know.
27:17I don't know.
27:18You're all fun.
27:18You have to leave.
27:19What?
27:20Do you?
27:21Do you?
27:21Have a nice day.
27:21No matter what you mean, When youangers are like,
27:22do you promise you will always be renewed for me?
27:24You're welcome.
27:26Go to Thatdy NoCo.
27:26I can go.
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