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The Opposite of Worry: The Playful Parenting Approach to Childhood Anxieties and Fears
“The most helpful book on childhood anxiety I have ever read.”—Michael Thompson, Ph.D.
Whether it’s the monster in the closet or the fear that arises from new social situations, school, or sports, anxiety can be especially challenging and maddening for children. And since anxiety has a mind of its own, logic and reassurance often fail, leaving parents increasingly frustrated about how to help. Now Lawrence J. Cohen, Ph.D., the author of Playful Parenting, provides a special set of tools to handle childhood anxiety. Offering simple, effective strategies that build connection through fun, play, and empathy, Dr. Cohen helps parents
• start from a place of warmth, compassion, and understanding
• teach children the basics of the body’s “security system”: alert, alarm, assessment, and all clear.
• promote tolerance of uncertainty and discomfort by finding the balance between outright avoidance and “white-knuckling” through a fear
• find lighthearted ways to release tension in the moment, labeling stressful emotions on a child-friendly scale
• tackle their own anxieties so they can stay calm when a child is distressed
• bring children out of their anxious thoughts and into their bodies by using relaxation, breathing, writing, drawing, and playful roughhousing
With this insightful resource of easy-to-implement solutions and strategies, you and your child can experience the opposite of worry, anxiety, and fear and embrace connection, trust, and joy.
Praise for The Opposite of Worry
“ The Opposite of Worry is an informative resource for parents and other family members. The book is easy to read, comprehensive and notable for its many practical suggestions.”— New England Psychologist
“Good advice for parents making daily calls to the pediatrician . . . Anxiety is a full-body sport, and Cohen’s main advice is not to treat it with words but with actions. . . . Physicality is about living in the present, and for anxious people, the present is a powerful place of healing. Intended for parents of children ages 3 to 15, this book offers anecdotes and fun anti-anxiety games.” — Publishers Weekly
“Here’s the help parents of anxious children have been looking for! Dr. Cohen’s genius is in the warm and generous spirit of the strategies he outlines for parents. He grounds his playful approach in a sound explanation of how anxiety affects children, and how they heal. Parents will come away with plenty of ideas to help them develop their children’s confidence. While reading, I found myself thinking, ‘I’d like to try that for myself!’” —Patty Wipfler, founder and program director, Hand in Hand Parenting
“If you want to understand your child’s anxiety—and your own parental worries—you must read Larry Cohen’s brilliant book, The Opposite of Worry . Dr. Cohen is one of the most imaginative and thoughtful psychologists you will ever encounter. He explains how and why children become anxious and then shows how we can use empathy and play to help them escape from the terrifying dark corners of childhood.” —Michael Thompson, Ph.D.
“ The Opposite of Worry offers a treasure trove of ideas to help children feel confident and secure. Lawrence Cohen has written a book that will help every parent of an anxious child.” —Aletha Solter, Ph.D., founder, Aware Parenting, and author of Attachment Play
Whether it’s the monster in the closet or the fear that arises from new social situations, school, or sports, anxiety can be especially challenging and maddening for children. And since anxiety has a mind of its own, logic and reassurance often fail, leaving parents increasingly frustrated about how to help. Now Lawrence J. Cohen, Ph.D., the author of Playful Parenting, provides a special set of tools to handle childhood anxiety. Offering simple, effective strategies that build connection through fun, play, and empathy, Dr. Cohen helps parents
• start from a place of warmth, compassion, and understanding
• teach children the basics of the body’s “security system”: alert, alarm, assessment, and all clear.
• promote tolerance of uncertainty and discomfort by finding the balance between outright avoidance and “white-knuckling” through a fear
• find lighthearted ways to release tension in the moment, labeling stressful emotions on a child-friendly scale
• tackle their own anxieties so they can stay calm when a child is distressed
• bring children out of their anxious thoughts and into their bodies by using relaxation, breathing, writing, drawing, and playful roughhousing
With this insightful resource of easy-to-implement solutions and strategies, you and your child can experience the opposite of worry, anxiety, and fear and embrace connection, trust, and joy.
Praise for The Opposite of Worry
“ The Opposite of Worry is an informative resource for parents and other family members. The book is easy to read, comprehensive and notable for its many practical suggestions.”— New England Psychologist
“Good advice for parents making daily calls to the pediatrician . . . Anxiety is a full-body sport, and Cohen’s main advice is not to treat it with words but with actions. . . . Physicality is about living in the present, and for anxious people, the present is a powerful place of healing. Intended for parents of children ages 3 to 15, this book offers anecdotes and fun anti-anxiety games.” — Publishers Weekly
“Here’s the help parents of anxious children have been looking for! Dr. Cohen’s genius is in the warm and generous spirit of the strategies he outlines for parents. He grounds his playful approach in a sound explanation of how anxiety affects children, and how they heal. Parents will come away with plenty of ideas to help them develop their children’s confidence. While reading, I found myself thinking, ‘I’d like to try that for myself!’” —Patty Wipfler, founder and program director, Hand in Hand Parenting
“If you want to understand your child’s anxiety—and your own parental worries—you must read Larry Cohen’s brilliant book, The Opposite of Worry . Dr. Cohen is one of the most imaginative and thoughtful psychologists you will ever encounter. He explains how and why children become anxious and then shows how we can use empathy and play to help them escape from the terrifying dark corners of childhood.” —Michael Thompson, Ph.D.
“ The Opposite of Worry offers a treasure trove of ideas to help children feel confident and secure. Lawrence Cohen has written a book that will help every parent of an anxious child.” —Aletha Solter, Ph.D., founder, Aware Parenting, and author of Attachment Play
304 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 2012
353 people are currently reading
2739 people want to read
About the author
Lawrence J. Cohen
20 books84 followersLawrence J. Cohen, Ph.D., the author of PLAYFUL PARENTING, is a licensed psychologist specializing in children's play and play therapy. In addition to his private therapy practice, he is also a speaker and consultant to public and independent schools, and a teacher of parenting classes and classes for daycare teachers. Dr. Cohen is also the co-author, with Michael Thompson and Catherine O'Neill Grace, of Best Friends, Worst Enemies: Friendship, Popularity and Social Cruelty in the Lives of Boys and Girls, and Mom, They're Teasing Me: Helping Children Solve Social Problems. His regular column in Nick Jr. Magazine was the winner of the 2003 Golden Lamp award from Education Press, and he also answers parents' questions online at NickJr.com.
Dr. Cohen is the author of numerous published articles in professional journals and popular magazines, and he has presented his work at professional conferences, workshops, classes, and public appearances.
Dr. Cohen attended Haverford College and received his doctorate in clinical psychology from Duke University. After an internship at Tulane University, he began a research and private practice career in Madison, Wisconsin. His treatment innovations have included the first groups in the country for husbands and boyfriends of sexual abuse survivors, as well as one of the first therapy groups for male survivors of sexual abuse. All of his work -- with children, parents, couples, abuse survivors, and families -- has pointed him towards writing about human connections.
Dr. Cohen lives in Brookline, Massachusetts.
Dr. Cohen is the author of numerous published articles in professional journals and popular magazines, and he has presented his work at professional conferences, workshops, classes, and public appearances.
Dr. Cohen attended Haverford College and received his doctorate in clinical psychology from Duke University. After an internship at Tulane University, he began a research and private practice career in Madison, Wisconsin. His treatment innovations have included the first groups in the country for husbands and boyfriends of sexual abuse survivors, as well as one of the first therapy groups for male survivors of sexual abuse. All of his work -- with children, parents, couples, abuse survivors, and families -- has pointed him towards writing about human connections.
Dr. Cohen lives in Brookline, Massachusetts.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 109 reviews
December 24, 2013
This was one of the most helpful parenting books I've read in a long time. I don't consider Ellie to be particularly anxious (she doesn't seem prone to worrying, etc) but she is a really cautious child in many respects (slow to warm up in strange situations, etc) and so there was a lot in this that was helpful to me. We're already using several of his techniques to help smooth out some consistently rough spots in our day.
For example, whenever there is sunshine in Ellie's eyes (in the car, when walking through a sunny room, etc), she FLIPS out, out of proportion to how sunny it actually is. No amount of coaxing (just close your eyes, honey!) or distracting seems to work. One of Cohen's techniques is to have a Fear-O-Meter to help your child verbalize how scared he/she is. "On a scale of 1 to 10, how scared do you feel right now?" Not only does this help you communicate with your child, but numbers activate a different part of the brain than fear and so simply by stopping to consider your number, you've already started helping yourself calm down. We've started asking Ellie, "On a scale of 1 to 10, how bright is it?" And it totally works!! She immediately stops complaining, thinks about it, gives us a number, and laughs like it's a super fun game! Sometimes she says, "20," and so we express major shock that it's so sunny and she finds that even funnier. This has transformed our car rides to church in the morning when the sun is always in her eyes.
So, even if you don't have an anxious child, you should read this book. I know you'll find more than a few tools to add to your parenting/child-caring toolbox.
For example, whenever there is sunshine in Ellie's eyes (in the car, when walking through a sunny room, etc), she FLIPS out, out of proportion to how sunny it actually is. No amount of coaxing (just close your eyes, honey!) or distracting seems to work. One of Cohen's techniques is to have a Fear-O-Meter to help your child verbalize how scared he/she is. "On a scale of 1 to 10, how scared do you feel right now?" Not only does this help you communicate with your child, but numbers activate a different part of the brain than fear and so simply by stopping to consider your number, you've already started helping yourself calm down. We've started asking Ellie, "On a scale of 1 to 10, how bright is it?" And it totally works!! She immediately stops complaining, thinks about it, gives us a number, and laughs like it's a super fun game! Sometimes she says, "20," and so we express major shock that it's so sunny and she finds that even funnier. This has transformed our car rides to church in the morning when the sun is always in her eyes.
So, even if you don't have an anxious child, you should read this book. I know you'll find more than a few tools to add to your parenting/child-caring toolbox.
February 8, 2018
A fantastic book that easily explains fear and anxiety so that children can understand. It includes games and activities that parents/ caregivers can play with their child that help the child to be aware of their fear, how it affects their body, their emotions, etc., and how to calm down.
November 5, 2018
There is so much to gleam from this book for those who have anxiety and those who care for children with anxiety. You don’t have to be a parent to read this and find useful tools in order to recognize and deal with paralyzing anxiety on varying levels.
Not a fan of self help books but this one touched close to home and really is well written and delivers a gentle and doable approach at anxiety which can hinder our children in all aspects of living.
I listened to this on audio and it was excellent. I think the audio for this material is more helpful than simply reading it.
Not a fan of self help books but this one touched close to home and really is well written and delivers a gentle and doable approach at anxiety which can hinder our children in all aspects of living.
I listened to this on audio and it was excellent. I think the audio for this material is more helpful than simply reading it.
Read
October 22, 2014Didn't get a chance to read this thoroughly before needing to return it to the library, though I may check it out again in the future. A couple of things I want to remember -
p 160, "My favorite physical activity for regulating emotions is Faster, Slower. Have your child run in different directions and at different speeds based on your rapid-fire instructions. "Run left, run right, run to me, run backward, run fast, run slow, run in super slow motion, run real fast!" ... physical games with quick changes like this seem ti translate into more manageable emotions."
p. 168, respond with empathy rather than logical challenge.
p. 171, "... begins a story with something that is fortunate (Fortunately, it was a beautiful day). The other person continues with something unfortunate (Unfortunately, it started to rain). The two people continue alternating these fortunately/unfortunately sentences until the story reaches a dramatic conclusion, The idea of this game is to giggle away tension that children feel about expecting bad things to happen."
p 172, "What if it doesn't?"
p 160, "My favorite physical activity for regulating emotions is Faster, Slower. Have your child run in different directions and at different speeds based on your rapid-fire instructions. "Run left, run right, run to me, run backward, run fast, run slow, run in super slow motion, run real fast!" ... physical games with quick changes like this seem ti translate into more manageable emotions."
p. 168, respond with empathy rather than logical challenge.
p. 171, "... begins a story with something that is fortunate (Fortunately, it was a beautiful day). The other person continues with something unfortunate (Unfortunately, it started to rain). The two people continue alternating these fortunately/unfortunately sentences until the story reaches a dramatic conclusion, The idea of this game is to giggle away tension that children feel about expecting bad things to happen."
p 172, "What if it doesn't?"
July 15, 2013
This book offers many examples of how to help your children overcome their anxiety issues. As the title suggests, most of these strategies are in the form of a game. This book should be very helpful to parents of children with some form of anxiety. There are plenty of examples of how to deal with specific kinds of anxiety.
However, this book just addresses how to deal with anxiety after it arises. I would have liked to also see general parenting strategies to help children to grow up without developing these forms of anxiety. The book ended up being a bit choppy and repetitive, but serves as a good resource for parents of anxious children.
I received this book as a first-read. Yay!
However, this book just addresses how to deal with anxiety after it arises. I would have liked to also see general parenting strategies to help children to grow up without developing these forms of anxiety. The book ended up being a bit choppy and repetitive, but serves as a good resource for parents of anxious children.
I received this book as a first-read. Yay!
January 19, 2023
Second time reading this because it's that good and because I needed to remind myself of all the helpful concepts and strategies it contains. Not only helpful for parents of children with anxiety but also for parents WITH anxiety, and we all have a little because raising small humans is stressful.
October 27, 2025
I have anxiety and I can tell you it’s extremely difficult to live with it and deal with it. It doesn’t care about logic, it doesn’t care about reassurance, it doesn’t care if it comes up with completely outrageous and unimaginable fears. It can paralyse you to the extent that it’s difficult to live your life, to enjoy things you used to enjoy, to make decisions, to be independent. It’s one of my greatest fears (see, anxiety at its best again) that my kids have the same anxiety as me. I know it’s more likely for kids of anxious parents to have anxiety so I am actively working to find ways to manage mine and to learn to live with it. Not to eradicate it, as this is impossible (just like the author says). But to learn to coexist with it, to not let it dictate your life and to manage to experience almost everything people without anxiety do.
For now I don’t see any signs that my kids have anxiety but as you can imagine I am really interested in the topic so I decided to give The Opposite of Worry a go. I have read a lot of parenting books and by now I am pretty adamant I know my way around a useful one and a useless one. The Opposite of Worry is by far one of the best parenting books I have read.
The author’s voice is gentle and caring. Reading the book I felt he really cares about kids and adults with anxiety. He spends a great deal going into the various ways anxiety can affect your life (body, thought, emotion, behaviour, relationships) as well as the various ways parents can effectively support their children. I loved the “second chicken” metaphor - that one way to help your child is be calm yourself - not trying to convince them that their fears are irrational, but modelling how you stay calm (which again shows that in most of the hard parenting situations we first need to fix ourselves before attempting to help our child). I also liked the 4 ways we approach things that scare us - avoidance, flooding, white-nuckling and face-and-feel. Obviously, we aim at the last one
But what strikes home the most, what is the most valuable lesson that Lawrence J. Cohen teaches us? It’s warmth, empathy, and understanding. For our children and for ourselves. No one with anxiety needs constant reassuring, dismissal of their fears because they are unreasonable (most of anxiety’s fears are unreasonable), ridicule, or anger. What they need is someone to be there for them, to understand them, to be the calm second chicken without constantly reassuring them and to gently push them to face their fears and overcome them in their own timeline. I hate when parents dismiss their kids’s anxiety or fear that if they show empathy and understanding, kids will never be able to do what scares them. This cannot be further from the truth. Lack of understanding will only cause the anxious person to retreat within himself / herself and to refrain from sharing his or her deepest fears. And this helps no one.
Lawrence J. Cohen’s book is a wonderful reminder that if you want to master something in parenthood, and in life for that matter, you should focus on empathy, kindness, understanding, and acceptance. All the rest will follow. A beautiful and important guide in the anxiety world that I hope will reach many people.
P.S. Of course play remains the most effective way to reach children. Play with your kids, as often as you possibly can and I am certain everyone will feel better because of it and your relationship with your kids will flourish.
For now I don’t see any signs that my kids have anxiety but as you can imagine I am really interested in the topic so I decided to give The Opposite of Worry a go. I have read a lot of parenting books and by now I am pretty adamant I know my way around a useful one and a useless one. The Opposite of Worry is by far one of the best parenting books I have read.
The author’s voice is gentle and caring. Reading the book I felt he really cares about kids and adults with anxiety. He spends a great deal going into the various ways anxiety can affect your life (body, thought, emotion, behaviour, relationships) as well as the various ways parents can effectively support their children. I loved the “second chicken” metaphor - that one way to help your child is be calm yourself - not trying to convince them that their fears are irrational, but modelling how you stay calm (which again shows that in most of the hard parenting situations we first need to fix ourselves before attempting to help our child). I also liked the 4 ways we approach things that scare us - avoidance, flooding, white-nuckling and face-and-feel. Obviously, we aim at the last one
But what strikes home the most, what is the most valuable lesson that Lawrence J. Cohen teaches us? It’s warmth, empathy, and understanding. For our children and for ourselves. No one with anxiety needs constant reassuring, dismissal of their fears because they are unreasonable (most of anxiety’s fears are unreasonable), ridicule, or anger. What they need is someone to be there for them, to understand them, to be the calm second chicken without constantly reassuring them and to gently push them to face their fears and overcome them in their own timeline. I hate when parents dismiss their kids’s anxiety or fear that if they show empathy and understanding, kids will never be able to do what scares them. This cannot be further from the truth. Lack of understanding will only cause the anxious person to retreat within himself / herself and to refrain from sharing his or her deepest fears. And this helps no one.
Lawrence J. Cohen’s book is a wonderful reminder that if you want to master something in parenthood, and in life for that matter, you should focus on empathy, kindness, understanding, and acceptance. All the rest will follow. A beautiful and important guide in the anxiety world that I hope will reach many people.
P.S. Of course play remains the most effective way to reach children. Play with your kids, as often as you possibly can and I am certain everyone will feel better because of it and your relationship with your kids will flourish.
November 8, 2018
There is so much good stuff in here. I started reading this - not because I think I have incredibly anxious children- but just because a friend had read it and I thought it might be interesting. I'm so glad I did read it. I realized that pretty much all children (and adults) have worries and concerns and anxiety about certain situations. Cohen walks you through all sorts of tips and techniques and ways to help a child confront their fear or concern in a way that is loving and doesn't require them to just "white-knuckle" through it but instead you can help them get to the edge and eventually - they'll go all the way. I've started trying a few of these things and I need to keep moving on them. This is a book, however, that I wish I owned because I could see myself referring back to some of his ideas during different concerns.
December 17, 2020
This is one of the most helpful parenting books I’ve ever read specifically for techniques and helping my daughter deal with anxiety. I am so thankful I found this book to help our family during what has been a challenging transition to kindergarten in the world of Covid. Instead of reading like a parenting book this book reads like a helpful friend giving you advice except the advice is from an awesome therapist.
February 16, 2018
Zaujimava kniha o detskom strachu a uzkostiach. Nie je to len sama teoria, obsahuje naozaj mnozstvo roznych hier ako detom pomoct sa s uzkostami vyrovnat. Obcas sa autor opakoval, niektore kapitoly boli zbytocne omacky. Ak mate uzkostne dieta moze vam pomoct pochopit jeho reakcie a zaroven da navod ako s tym doma pracovat.
October 2, 2019
Lots of interesting thoughts in here. Things we’re good at: not letting our son avoid situations he’s worried about (avoidance makes it worse, according to the author). Things we’re bad at: dismissing his worries (“You don’t need to worry about that! That’s a silly thing to worry about!”) or going the opposite “endless reassurance” route. Neither work, according to the author. And he’s right.
January 20, 2020
Interesting read. I really liked the recommendations of games/activities to play with young children to help them face what is making them anxious in a safe place. It was a good reminder of how need play is for children to heal and learn.
Read
October 16, 2024This book was practical and helpful in a lot of ways! It also helped me learn more about myself and reflect on my own anxieties as a kid which surprised me because that wasn't my intention in reading this book!
December 23, 2023
Good stuff for parents, thought-provoking and useful.
Notes below are truncated due to limits imposed by Goodreads.
# intro
Scared and immobilized chicken example
- 1 recovers quickly
- 2 stay longer - mutual influence
Get to their level
- eye to eye, or sit on the couch next to them
# ch1 alert, alarm, assessment, all-clear
Effects of anxiety
- misery
- missing out
Phases after calm
- alert: a trigger (even a perceived one) that can be a memory or an image, not necessarily a current threat
- alarm: anxious state
- thoughts
- physical manifestations
- assessment: thoughtful evaluation of danger and safety
- all-clear: signal that the alarm can be turned off
People with high anxiety
- tend to be on heightened alert all the time
- have a highly sensitive alarm
- need more time for the all-clear
- they see a scared second chicken no matter where they look
Children who constantly look for danger
- don't enjoy life very much
- limit their activities
- have extreme reactions to non-dangerous things
- are **Reluctant to accept an external all-clear signal, even from a trusted source**
Alerts
- are almost instantaneous
- ~0.002s [me: for the elephant to react]
When spending time with your kids
- keep your phone/nespaper down and watch them
- so they can see they're indeed under protection, rather than being left to their own devices.
- me: it is the perception of bring under protection that matters, no?
When the assessment system doesn't have full info
- look for clues in our bodily reactions
- if my breathing is calm and relaxed - all is well
- Relaxation exercises
- a nudge of your body towards a calm state
- become your own "second [calm] chicken"
- if the heart beats fast - this catalyzes the assessment system
- anxiety reinforces itself
**Scared and safe**
- my heart beats fast and my palms are sweaty; I am scares, but I am safe
Explain the terminology to a child
- alert, alarm, assessment, all-clear
- use these terms
- let them use the terms
- think aloud when you're in such states to show them how to use the vocabulary
Anxiety is useful
- society needs diverse people
- some risk takers, others risk averse
-
Sources of anxiety
- temperament
- trauma
- difficult life experiences
- anxious parents
- modern society
- news
- social media +expectation to be cool, pretty, slim, etc.
- heredity
- 10..20% people are born highly-reactive (study be Jerome Kegan, Harvard) to anything unfamiliar
- they take longer to adapt to new circumstances
- follow people from infancy to adulthood
- they were more risk averse
- but not all grew into anxious adults
- if parents armed them with coping skills -> ok
- otherwise, be protective and avoid issues -> anxious
- children need to be allowed to fail
- as long as the failure isn't dangerous
- this gives them experience and a chance to develop coping skills
- having something to say but being unable to express it
- unexpressed feelings or emotions do not disappear
Over-protective and cautious parents at the playground keep telling kids to be careful, reminding them of this often.
- this can override the child's own assessment system (they feel fine, but the parent keeps worrying anyway - why? Maybe I should be worried!)
**Ask them occasionally whether they feel safe**
- make them aware of this tool
- practice term use
- give them some training data to calibrate their sensitivity
Security duck game
- engage playfully with the child
- give the child a chance to take the role of the brave character
I can't watch game
- you: you can't walk there, it is dangerous, people sometimes fall over!
- the child starts walking
- you: oh no, I can't watch!
- the child proceeds to engage in activities that show the "scared" person there is no reason to be scared
The coast is clear! Or is it? Game
- hide dramatically behind some furniture or a blanket, pretend to be scared of something
- you then ask the kid if the coast is clear?
- kid: yes
- come out of hiding, but immediately discover something new that scares you (ex: a pencil)
- let the child convince you that all is well, that you're safe
- note: choose something obviously not scary as a source of fear, otherwise kids might get a real scare out of this one.
- they'll keep giving you an all-clear signal, hence get accustomed to using it
# ch2 the second chicken, parenting eith empathy, for confidence
Be the calm second chicken.
## Step 1 is empathy
- take their state seriously,
- don't: don't be scared! Don't be silly! Stop being such a baby! There's nothing to be afraid of! Nobody else is afraid!
- such reactions invalidate their feelings
- do: acknowledge. That was really scary! Everyone gets scared occasionally, adults too! You can sit in my lap as long as you like and join in when you're ready.
- ridicule is a dead end, while empathy is an invitation to look for solutions.
Kids won't open up about their deep issues if they are ridiculed when they bring up simple ones!
Common fears
- to be alone
- to be in the dark
## Step 2 project calm confidence
Deal with your own anxieties first.
Practice what you preach.
The 2nd chicken needs to do little - just be calm.
Trick: ask the child **can you look into my eyes and see if there is fear?**
- if there really isn't, they are more likely to calm themselves down
- it is different from just telling them not to be afraid
## notes
- anxious kids are oversensitive to others' anxiety and under-sensitive to others' calmness
- try non-verbal reassurance - hugs might work when words fail.
- "I am safe even when I am away from you" (if the child is worried about you, e.g., that you might die)
- reassure **without dismissal**. Validate first, then reassure!
- 15 sec rule: **if reassurance doesn't work within 15s, stop and try something else**.
- when you notice bravery in the - point it out. (vs just saying "be brave" in difficult situations)
- guiding questions, ex: if a child complains about being teased:
- what did you try?
- how did it work?
- what would you like to try next?
- avoid rewards (see Alfie Kohn's books)
# ch3 relaxation and rough-housing
- Slow breathing changes the experience of a scarry thought.
- fearometer - numeric scale, or emoticons (if the child doesn't understand scales yet)
- SUDS: subjective units of distress scale
- ask them to rate their current level of distress on the scale
- even if the number is high, the **act of searching for it, introspection -> is enough to reset the security system**
- it helps even more of the kid names or describes their feeling
- it is hard to remain anxious when the brain is engaged in rational or creative thought. (unless you have math or art anxiety)
- "I just noticed that my number is around 5, what's yours?" -> start a conversation.
- kid: "I'm at x" you: "wow, that's a lot! I wonder what it would take to bring it down to x-delta?"
Relaxation
- the suds is a way to measure if you're technique works
- if it doesn't - change it
- also, different scale levels are managed with different techniques
- area 8..10: crisis, panic and extreme anxiety
- immediate relief is required
- talk less, words can even interfere
- hug, rocking, massage, humming
- shake on purpose, encourage them to scream
- prepare a paper "I'm having a panic attack, it is not lethal, it will past" and keep it in the pocket -> the words on your paper remind you that your life is not in danger
- area 3..8: mild
- self-soothing, grounding
- count down from their current number down to 1, then ask them about their new current number. Might take a few iterations to lower it.
- slow rhythmic activities, like pouring water or sand between containers can be relaxing
- vigorous rhythmic activities that present a challenge might work (e. g., weird yoga pose)
- OBOM: one breath, one movement.
- area <3: Deep relaxation and tension release
- getting to -3: even more relaxed than that!
- various techniques, ex: deep breathing
- butterfly hug
- body language freeze vs flight-> encourage them with a soothing voice to breathe slowly, 'start counting'
- burrito technique: wrap them into a blanket then put different ingredients on top
Ipma: instant pessimistic mental assessment - > when something is rejected right away, without even trying it.
# ch4 the edge
The drop game (eye drops the child was afraid of)
- I'll walk towards you and you tell me where to stop
- approach, let them control the approach with multiple iterations
- then try a drop on the nose/forehead/cheek...
- then try it in the eye
-
Fear of heights and approaching the edge of a canyon
- we will not go one step beyond what you feel comfortable with
- get closer gradually
To overcome a fear, you need to spend more time at the edge
Flooding
- kids flooded with emotions are overwhelmed and have little access to logic
- they can get aggressive if pushed towards the danger
- they fixate on the danger
- reject soothing statements
- and eventually can reject attempts to love and connect [during this session]
- **learning doesn't work in this phase** - kids can get through the experience and still not learn that it is safe
- children who are already over the edge _need to be pulled back to safety before progress can be made_
Avoidance
- avoid avoidance :-)
- avoidance of the _feeling of danger_, not the danger itself
- avoidance creates detours in our lives
- if it works well - you may not even be conscious of it!
- avoidance can't last forever, it will break down eventually and get you into the flooding state.
White-knuckling
- when you grab something and hold it strongly, the knuckles get white
- it works if you need to get over something unpleasant once, but doesn't work in the long run for daily experiences
- during white-knuckling you cannot experience something properly (ex: nice views of a sunset while on a roller-coaster - you won't see it, you won't get to savor it).
-
Exposure without white-knuckling
- this is needed to overcome the issue
- spend time at the edge of your comfort zone and slowly walk out of it when you get accustomed to bring on the edge
- how:
- **stop rewarding avoidance**
- **stop pushing them into a flooded or white-knuckle state**
- examples
- "you don't have to if you're scared" - > supports avoidance
- forcing kids to do something they are afraid of - > pushes them into flooding
- "just do it" - > supports white-knuckling
- "don't be a baby" -> cruel form of humiliating someone who is flooded
From wild to mild
- People with PTSD swing wildly from flooding to avoidance
- solution: reduce swing amplitude
How to support properly
- realize that Supporting avoidance abandons the child to their fear and anxiety!
- stay with them while you push, to prevent flooding
- keep pushing gently
- hold their hand, stand side by side with them
- if you walk towards something scarry, pause frequently to cool down
- "we're going to go in, but I'll hold you for as long as you want until you are ready"
- "I can feel you're trembling, I know it is scary, I'll hold you for as long as you like, and then we can go together"
- dealing with separation
- sneak out so they don't notice -> avoidance + can turn into flooding when the child realizes the parent is gone
- preparation through relaxation + restful sleep
Games
- Stop and go
- some rules: can't say "stop stop stop" all the time; after a while I say "go" if you don't
- string
- "you know how you get worried when I leave? Let's find out how far apart we have to be before it is too much?"
- start with a few centimeters and keep going through iterations
- keep the string under tension, so the kid can tug and feel your presence
- might also work with throwing a ball to each other
- secret mission (for older kids)
- send them on a special mission to retrieve something, start with short distances and gradually expand the horizon
- Imagine-edge - > think it, feel it, do it.
- like stop and go, but only imaginary
- imagine something that scares them, live through this imaginary experience.
- after a few iterations, they are more prepared to face the real thing
- do it when everyone is relaxed, not in the middle of a crisis :-)
- use the SUDS as a metric and ask them to quantity at each iteration
Talking is a good way to deal with anxiety.
# ch5 expressing and suppressing emotions
Guiding questions
- what are you sensing in your body?
- what sparked that feeling?
- what thoughts do you have about that feeling?
- what do you want to do next?
- what do you think will happen if you do that?
These questions help children integrate their feelings with their thinking. Do this instead of **jumping to "name the feeling" /"use your words" right away**.
Flame model (easy for kids to understand)
- every emotion begins with a spark
- it then grows into a flame
- if you already have a bad day, that will fuel the fire, and the same spark will make an even bigger flame
- note: anxious kids often avoid dealing with their feelings, like avoiding a flame that is too hot to handle.
- you can tame the flames, ex: with water (me: consider that not all fires should be extinguished with water, there are safety implications)
- anything that can cool down the flame: count to 10, breathe deeply, think about something comforting, a hug
Emotionally loaded memories can also fuel the flame.
Empathy is a good way to tone down emotions
- "you are really upset that she bumped into you"
- understanding and validation are the best path to soothing and comfort
The problem with "should" applied to emotions
- example: a child is trembling while watching a film
- you ask: are you scared?
- the child answers "no, it's only a movie"
- what they could mean is "I should not be scared because it is only a movie [but I am]" (me: or at least their "elephant" is scared)
- this can lead to shame or guilt about feelings they're not supposed to be having, yet which are 100% valid!
Getting cooked vs burning up
- a flame can burn you up from the inside
- you can also use it to cook something, if you find a way to use it constructively
-
Rumi vs rumination: nice poem about emotions as different guests in a house, they come and go.
Yawnathon game
- fake laugh
- fake surprise gasp
- fake x, etc.
-
# ch6 what if vs what is
"Worry well, and worry once "
Worry can be useful, as long as you stop when you find a solution, or when you realize you won't find a solution by worrying harder. (me: is worrying ever a solution?)
Anxious whatifs
- are repetitive and straining
- don't lead to creative solutions.
- they're alarm signals that cannot be stopped
- they can lead to magical thinking
Magical thinking
- after 7 more comes from around the corner, the next one will be mom's
- if I touch the lamp 3 times before I go to bed, I'll be safe
- they're an attempt to control the future or change the past
Anxious thinking can lead to certainty about uncertain things
- if I go to the party, nobody will talk to me
- everyone will stare at me, etc
- I know that dinosaurs don't exist anymore, but what if they come back and enter our house?
Anxious thoughts
- trigger anxiety
- you're on high alert, every sound is perceived as a burglar in the house
- they lead to magical thinking - if I check the window twice I'll be safe
The solution to these thoughts is to challenge them
- recognize their irrationality
- talk back to them
- live firmly in the here and now
- invite kids to develop their own challenges, instead of imposing yours
- immer-driven challenges are more effective
- empathize before challenging, acknowledge the thought or the state
Don't try to win an argument against an anxious thought
- you'll lose even if you're right
- the anxious thought is fiercely defended by the anxious mind
Questions are a good tool (me: reminds me of the Socratic method)
- is there another possible explanation of why daddy is late, besides that something bad happened?
- what did you do yesterday, when you weren't worried about dad's delay?
Wonder is another tool
- I wonder what allowed these anxious though to sneak into your mind today..
What's better for the second chicken to say?
- **I'm not worried (set example) - >good**
- there is no reason to worry (deny state perceived by anxious person) - >bad
- you can't win an argument with an anxious mind by using logic (see above)
Tools
- playfully challenge
- switch from what-if to what-is
-
**Fortunately / unfortunately** game
- begin with a positive statement: fortunately it was a good day
- other player goes negative: unfortunately it started to rain
- continue alternating until the story ends dramatically :-)
- this reduces the tension by showing that there's a way to get to a positive state
**What if doesn't**? Game
- what if there's something under the bed?
- what if there isn't?
- what if a shark attacks you on the way home?
- what if it doesn't?
**Spy-vs-spy** game
- pretend anxiety is a sneaky enemy, and you have to be even sneakier
- my anxiety makes me really worried about football games, but I enjoy football! So I decided to outfox it and told it they I was going to a baseball game - so it could stay home and rest.
Notes below are truncated due to limits imposed by Goodreads.
# intro
Scared and immobilized chicken example
- 1 recovers quickly
- 2 stay longer - mutual influence
Get to their level
- eye to eye, or sit on the couch next to them
# ch1 alert, alarm, assessment, all-clear
Effects of anxiety
- misery
- missing out
Phases after calm
- alert: a trigger (even a perceived one) that can be a memory or an image, not necessarily a current threat
- alarm: anxious state
- thoughts
- physical manifestations
- assessment: thoughtful evaluation of danger and safety
- all-clear: signal that the alarm can be turned off
People with high anxiety
- tend to be on heightened alert all the time
- have a highly sensitive alarm
- need more time for the all-clear
- they see a scared second chicken no matter where they look
Children who constantly look for danger
- don't enjoy life very much
- limit their activities
- have extreme reactions to non-dangerous things
- are **Reluctant to accept an external all-clear signal, even from a trusted source**
Alerts
- are almost instantaneous
- ~0.002s [me: for the elephant to react]
When spending time with your kids
- keep your phone/nespaper down and watch them
- so they can see they're indeed under protection, rather than being left to their own devices.
- me: it is the perception of bring under protection that matters, no?
When the assessment system doesn't have full info
- look for clues in our bodily reactions
- if my breathing is calm and relaxed - all is well
- Relaxation exercises
- a nudge of your body towards a calm state
- become your own "second [calm] chicken"
- if the heart beats fast - this catalyzes the assessment system
- anxiety reinforces itself
**Scared and safe**
- my heart beats fast and my palms are sweaty; I am scares, but I am safe
Explain the terminology to a child
- alert, alarm, assessment, all-clear
- use these terms
- let them use the terms
- think aloud when you're in such states to show them how to use the vocabulary
Anxiety is useful
- society needs diverse people
- some risk takers, others risk averse
-
Sources of anxiety
- temperament
- trauma
- difficult life experiences
- anxious parents
- modern society
- news
- social media +expectation to be cool, pretty, slim, etc.
- heredity
- 10..20% people are born highly-reactive (study be Jerome Kegan, Harvard) to anything unfamiliar
- they take longer to adapt to new circumstances
- follow people from infancy to adulthood
- they were more risk averse
- but not all grew into anxious adults
- if parents armed them with coping skills -> ok
- otherwise, be protective and avoid issues -> anxious
- children need to be allowed to fail
- as long as the failure isn't dangerous
- this gives them experience and a chance to develop coping skills
- having something to say but being unable to express it
- unexpressed feelings or emotions do not disappear
Over-protective and cautious parents at the playground keep telling kids to be careful, reminding them of this often.
- this can override the child's own assessment system (they feel fine, but the parent keeps worrying anyway - why? Maybe I should be worried!)
**Ask them occasionally whether they feel safe**
- make them aware of this tool
- practice term use
- give them some training data to calibrate their sensitivity
Security duck game
- engage playfully with the child
- give the child a chance to take the role of the brave character
I can't watch game
- you: you can't walk there, it is dangerous, people sometimes fall over!
- the child starts walking
- you: oh no, I can't watch!
- the child proceeds to engage in activities that show the "scared" person there is no reason to be scared
The coast is clear! Or is it? Game
- hide dramatically behind some furniture or a blanket, pretend to be scared of something
- you then ask the kid if the coast is clear?
- kid: yes
- come out of hiding, but immediately discover something new that scares you (ex: a pencil)
- let the child convince you that all is well, that you're safe
- note: choose something obviously not scary as a source of fear, otherwise kids might get a real scare out of this one.
- they'll keep giving you an all-clear signal, hence get accustomed to using it
# ch2 the second chicken, parenting eith empathy, for confidence
Be the calm second chicken.
## Step 1 is empathy
- take their state seriously,
- don't: don't be scared! Don't be silly! Stop being such a baby! There's nothing to be afraid of! Nobody else is afraid!
- such reactions invalidate their feelings
- do: acknowledge. That was really scary! Everyone gets scared occasionally, adults too! You can sit in my lap as long as you like and join in when you're ready.
- ridicule is a dead end, while empathy is an invitation to look for solutions.
Kids won't open up about their deep issues if they are ridiculed when they bring up simple ones!
Common fears
- to be alone
- to be in the dark
## Step 2 project calm confidence
Deal with your own anxieties first.
Practice what you preach.
The 2nd chicken needs to do little - just be calm.
Trick: ask the child **can you look into my eyes and see if there is fear?**
- if there really isn't, they are more likely to calm themselves down
- it is different from just telling them not to be afraid
## notes
- anxious kids are oversensitive to others' anxiety and under-sensitive to others' calmness
- try non-verbal reassurance - hugs might work when words fail.
- "I am safe even when I am away from you" (if the child is worried about you, e.g., that you might die)
- reassure **without dismissal**. Validate first, then reassure!
- 15 sec rule: **if reassurance doesn't work within 15s, stop and try something else**.
- when you notice bravery in the - point it out. (vs just saying "be brave" in difficult situations)
- guiding questions, ex: if a child complains about being teased:
- what did you try?
- how did it work?
- what would you like to try next?
- avoid rewards (see Alfie Kohn's books)
# ch3 relaxation and rough-housing
- Slow breathing changes the experience of a scarry thought.
- fearometer - numeric scale, or emoticons (if the child doesn't understand scales yet)
- SUDS: subjective units of distress scale
- ask them to rate their current level of distress on the scale
- even if the number is high, the **act of searching for it, introspection -> is enough to reset the security system**
- it helps even more of the kid names or describes their feeling
- it is hard to remain anxious when the brain is engaged in rational or creative thought. (unless you have math or art anxiety)
- "I just noticed that my number is around 5, what's yours?" -> start a conversation.
- kid: "I'm at x" you: "wow, that's a lot! I wonder what it would take to bring it down to x-delta?"
Relaxation
- the suds is a way to measure if you're technique works
- if it doesn't - change it
- also, different scale levels are managed with different techniques
- area 8..10: crisis, panic and extreme anxiety
- immediate relief is required
- talk less, words can even interfere
- hug, rocking, massage, humming
- shake on purpose, encourage them to scream
- prepare a paper "I'm having a panic attack, it is not lethal, it will past" and keep it in the pocket -> the words on your paper remind you that your life is not in danger
- area 3..8: mild
- self-soothing, grounding
- count down from their current number down to 1, then ask them about their new current number. Might take a few iterations to lower it.
- slow rhythmic activities, like pouring water or sand between containers can be relaxing
- vigorous rhythmic activities that present a challenge might work (e. g., weird yoga pose)
- OBOM: one breath, one movement.
- area <3: Deep relaxation and tension release
- getting to -3: even more relaxed than that!
- various techniques, ex: deep breathing
- butterfly hug
- body language freeze vs flight-> encourage them with a soothing voice to breathe slowly, 'start counting'
- burrito technique: wrap them into a blanket then put different ingredients on top
Ipma: instant pessimistic mental assessment - > when something is rejected right away, without even trying it.
# ch4 the edge
The drop game (eye drops the child was afraid of)
- I'll walk towards you and you tell me where to stop
- approach, let them control the approach with multiple iterations
- then try a drop on the nose/forehead/cheek...
- then try it in the eye
-
Fear of heights and approaching the edge of a canyon
- we will not go one step beyond what you feel comfortable with
- get closer gradually
To overcome a fear, you need to spend more time at the edge
Flooding
- kids flooded with emotions are overwhelmed and have little access to logic
- they can get aggressive if pushed towards the danger
- they fixate on the danger
- reject soothing statements
- and eventually can reject attempts to love and connect [during this session]
- **learning doesn't work in this phase** - kids can get through the experience and still not learn that it is safe
- children who are already over the edge _need to be pulled back to safety before progress can be made_
Avoidance
- avoid avoidance :-)
- avoidance of the _feeling of danger_, not the danger itself
- avoidance creates detours in our lives
- if it works well - you may not even be conscious of it!
- avoidance can't last forever, it will break down eventually and get you into the flooding state.
White-knuckling
- when you grab something and hold it strongly, the knuckles get white
- it works if you need to get over something unpleasant once, but doesn't work in the long run for daily experiences
- during white-knuckling you cannot experience something properly (ex: nice views of a sunset while on a roller-coaster - you won't see it, you won't get to savor it).
-
Exposure without white-knuckling
- this is needed to overcome the issue
- spend time at the edge of your comfort zone and slowly walk out of it when you get accustomed to bring on the edge
- how:
- **stop rewarding avoidance**
- **stop pushing them into a flooded or white-knuckle state**
- examples
- "you don't have to if you're scared" - > supports avoidance
- forcing kids to do something they are afraid of - > pushes them into flooding
- "just do it" - > supports white-knuckling
- "don't be a baby" -> cruel form of humiliating someone who is flooded
From wild to mild
- People with PTSD swing wildly from flooding to avoidance
- solution: reduce swing amplitude
How to support properly
- realize that Supporting avoidance abandons the child to their fear and anxiety!
- stay with them while you push, to prevent flooding
- keep pushing gently
- hold their hand, stand side by side with them
- if you walk towards something scarry, pause frequently to cool down
- "we're going to go in, but I'll hold you for as long as you want until you are ready"
- "I can feel you're trembling, I know it is scary, I'll hold you for as long as you like, and then we can go together"
- dealing with separation
- sneak out so they don't notice -> avoidance + can turn into flooding when the child realizes the parent is gone
- preparation through relaxation + restful sleep
Games
- Stop and go
- some rules: can't say "stop stop stop" all the time; after a while I say "go" if you don't
- string
- "you know how you get worried when I leave? Let's find out how far apart we have to be before it is too much?"
- start with a few centimeters and keep going through iterations
- keep the string under tension, so the kid can tug and feel your presence
- might also work with throwing a ball to each other
- secret mission (for older kids)
- send them on a special mission to retrieve something, start with short distances and gradually expand the horizon
- Imagine-edge - > think it, feel it, do it.
- like stop and go, but only imaginary
- imagine something that scares them, live through this imaginary experience.
- after a few iterations, they are more prepared to face the real thing
- do it when everyone is relaxed, not in the middle of a crisis :-)
- use the SUDS as a metric and ask them to quantity at each iteration
Talking is a good way to deal with anxiety.
# ch5 expressing and suppressing emotions
Guiding questions
- what are you sensing in your body?
- what sparked that feeling?
- what thoughts do you have about that feeling?
- what do you want to do next?
- what do you think will happen if you do that?
These questions help children integrate their feelings with their thinking. Do this instead of **jumping to "name the feeling" /"use your words" right away**.
Flame model (easy for kids to understand)
- every emotion begins with a spark
- it then grows into a flame
- if you already have a bad day, that will fuel the fire, and the same spark will make an even bigger flame
- note: anxious kids often avoid dealing with their feelings, like avoiding a flame that is too hot to handle.
- you can tame the flames, ex: with water (me: consider that not all fires should be extinguished with water, there are safety implications)
- anything that can cool down the flame: count to 10, breathe deeply, think about something comforting, a hug
Emotionally loaded memories can also fuel the flame.
Empathy is a good way to tone down emotions
- "you are really upset that she bumped into you"
- understanding and validation are the best path to soothing and comfort
The problem with "should" applied to emotions
- example: a child is trembling while watching a film
- you ask: are you scared?
- the child answers "no, it's only a movie"
- what they could mean is "I should not be scared because it is only a movie [but I am]" (me: or at least their "elephant" is scared)
- this can lead to shame or guilt about feelings they're not supposed to be having, yet which are 100% valid!
Getting cooked vs burning up
- a flame can burn you up from the inside
- you can also use it to cook something, if you find a way to use it constructively
-
Rumi vs rumination: nice poem about emotions as different guests in a house, they come and go.
Yawnathon game
- fake laugh
- fake surprise gasp
- fake x, etc.
-
# ch6 what if vs what is
"Worry well, and worry once "
Worry can be useful, as long as you stop when you find a solution, or when you realize you won't find a solution by worrying harder. (me: is worrying ever a solution?)
Anxious whatifs
- are repetitive and straining
- don't lead to creative solutions.
- they're alarm signals that cannot be stopped
- they can lead to magical thinking
Magical thinking
- after 7 more comes from around the corner, the next one will be mom's
- if I touch the lamp 3 times before I go to bed, I'll be safe
- they're an attempt to control the future or change the past
Anxious thinking can lead to certainty about uncertain things
- if I go to the party, nobody will talk to me
- everyone will stare at me, etc
- I know that dinosaurs don't exist anymore, but what if they come back and enter our house?
Anxious thoughts
- trigger anxiety
- you're on high alert, every sound is perceived as a burglar in the house
- they lead to magical thinking - if I check the window twice I'll be safe
The solution to these thoughts is to challenge them
- recognize their irrationality
- talk back to them
- live firmly in the here and now
- invite kids to develop their own challenges, instead of imposing yours
- immer-driven challenges are more effective
- empathize before challenging, acknowledge the thought or the state
Don't try to win an argument against an anxious thought
- you'll lose even if you're right
- the anxious thought is fiercely defended by the anxious mind
Questions are a good tool (me: reminds me of the Socratic method)
- is there another possible explanation of why daddy is late, besides that something bad happened?
- what did you do yesterday, when you weren't worried about dad's delay?
Wonder is another tool
- I wonder what allowed these anxious though to sneak into your mind today..
What's better for the second chicken to say?
- **I'm not worried (set example) - >good**
- there is no reason to worry (deny state perceived by anxious person) - >bad
- you can't win an argument with an anxious mind by using logic (see above)
Tools
- playfully challenge
- switch from what-if to what-is
-
**Fortunately / unfortunately** game
- begin with a positive statement: fortunately it was a good day
- other player goes negative: unfortunately it started to rain
- continue alternating until the story ends dramatically :-)
- this reduces the tension by showing that there's a way to get to a positive state
**What if doesn't**? Game
- what if there's something under the bed?
- what if there isn't?
- what if a shark attacks you on the way home?
- what if it doesn't?
**Spy-vs-spy** game
- pretend anxiety is a sneaky enemy, and you have to be even sneakier
- my anxiety makes me really worried about football games, but I enjoy football! So I decided to outfox it and told it they I was going to a baseball game - so it could stay home and rest.
September 25, 2015
This book would've been better if it wasn't written as a narrative. Bullet points and main ideas would have been easier for a parent to read. Isn't that the point after all?
June 12, 2024
Molto utile e interessante, scritto anche abbastanza bene
February 3, 2020
I read this a while ago but never got around to reviewing it - probably because it merged in my head with both the same author's Playful Parenting and the other book I read on a similar topic, Anxious Kids, Anxious Parents. (I suspect I might have got more out of this one if I hadn't already read both of those...) My main clear memory of this one is the excellent concept of trying to be your child's 'second chicken' - apparently chickens will stop playing dead quickly if they can see another chicken behaving normally, but "the unafraid second chicken does not soothe the immobilized chicken's fear with logic, words, or behavior modification" - the emphasis is on modelling calm, perhaps by asking them to look in your eyes and see whether you seem scared. The book does a good job of explaining worry in ways that can be used in conversations with young children, for example describing fear as a normally-useful 'security system' of alerts, alarms, assessments and all-clears that can cause prolonged anxiety if overactive or slow to reset. I think that this was the book where I picked up the idea of asking questions like "do you feel safe?" instead of constantly reminding children to "be careful", and I also liked the idea of finding balance, in the words of a child he once worked with, by resolving to "do something scary, fun, and safe every day".
Read
August 6, 2021Well done. I already do a lot of the things (thanks mom!). Some good quotes:
"three questions that boost children's ability to cope with social problems: What did you try? How did it work? What would you like to try next? If a child says, "I didn't try anything," be sure to ask how that worked. After all, doing nothing is a strategy, and often a good one." p58
"Many parents try to cool off a child's emotions by saying, "You shouldn't feel that way." This seldom works, because emotions don't listen to shoulds...Most parents are surprised to discover that empathy is actually a better way to tone down emotions: "You are really upset that she bumped into you."p142
"I've described the spark, flame, fuel, and water. But that's not the full story of emotion. After we have a strong emotion our minds are in a different place than they were before. One child who understood the Flame Model very well called this "getting cooked or getting burned." She said the feeling can burn you up (if it overwhelms you or causes big trouble), of the heat can cook something (if the feeling leads you to do something constructive, such as solving a problem or escaping harm)."p143
"three questions that boost children's ability to cope with social problems: What did you try? How did it work? What would you like to try next? If a child says, "I didn't try anything," be sure to ask how that worked. After all, doing nothing is a strategy, and often a good one." p58
"Many parents try to cool off a child's emotions by saying, "You shouldn't feel that way." This seldom works, because emotions don't listen to shoulds...Most parents are surprised to discover that empathy is actually a better way to tone down emotions: "You are really upset that she bumped into you."p142
"I've described the spark, flame, fuel, and water. But that's not the full story of emotion. After we have a strong emotion our minds are in a different place than they were before. One child who understood the Flame Model very well called this "getting cooked or getting burned." She said the feeling can burn you up (if it overwhelms you or causes big trouble), of the heat can cook something (if the feeling leads you to do something constructive, such as solving a problem or escaping harm)."p143
April 28, 2024
I couldnt more highly recommend it as it relates to the topic of anxiety in kids and helping them, and ourselves as parents. It’s truly amazing. Everybody needs this in their lives.
Book summarized 10 points:
1. Start with warmth, empathy, and understanding
2. Teach kids the 4 parts of the security system: alert, alarm, assessment, and all clear (4 A’s). And the flame model of emotions: spark, flame, fuel, and water.
3. Balance patience and acceptance with sensitive challenges and a gentle push.
4. Do things every day that are scary, fun, and safe.
5. Play. Play brings laughter and laughter reduces fear.
6. Welcome every emotion And focus on what is, rather than what if.
7. Help kids get out of their anxious thoughts and into their bodies. Use relaxation, breathing, rough housing, reading, writing, and drawing.
8. Be the calm 2nd chicken instead of dismissing or endlessly reassuring.
9. Promote tolerance of uncertainty, risk, and discomfort. Face and feel instead of avoidance, flooding. and white knuckling.
10. Address every aspect of life affected by anxiety. Bodies thoughts emotions behaviors and relationships.
Book summarized 10 points:
1. Start with warmth, empathy, and understanding
2. Teach kids the 4 parts of the security system: alert, alarm, assessment, and all clear (4 A’s). And the flame model of emotions: spark, flame, fuel, and water.
3. Balance patience and acceptance with sensitive challenges and a gentle push.
4. Do things every day that are scary, fun, and safe.
5. Play. Play brings laughter and laughter reduces fear.
6. Welcome every emotion And focus on what is, rather than what if.
7. Help kids get out of their anxious thoughts and into their bodies. Use relaxation, breathing, rough housing, reading, writing, and drawing.
8. Be the calm 2nd chicken instead of dismissing or endlessly reassuring.
9. Promote tolerance of uncertainty, risk, and discomfort. Face and feel instead of avoidance, flooding. and white knuckling.
10. Address every aspect of life affected by anxiety. Bodies thoughts emotions behaviors and relationships.
March 27, 2018
There is much within to ponder. The one thing central to Cohen's material that I felt he dodged just a bit was the reason behind how we seem to have developed a culture in which so many children are full of so much anxiety. He talks of many facets that are related such as "helicopter parents," but does not offer good arguments for how this has come to be. When he throws in an anecdote, for example, of a mom going with her child to a job interview one almost screams - but without further context you are left with only this ridiculous picture. As he goes on about things that work with anxious children I came to ask myself how we seem to have lost so much. One might theorize that we have smaller families today, so the parents had fewer possibilities to 'experiment' with the oldest children until they got it right. If you have a youngster with anxiety issues, this book will offer many tools that might help you out, but in some ways it is little more then an important Band-Aid.
May 10, 2019
I think I ignored this book previously thinking that I didn't have a child with an anxiety disorder. But everyone has anxieties and fears, and this book is full of wonderful suggestions for playfully dispelling your child's fears, keeping your own anxieties from falling to your children (things to say instead of "Be careful!"), keeping them at the edge of fear to work through it (neither avoiding it nor being overwhelmed by it), and language to affirm your kid's experience, while also empowering them to change it. It was also very helpful in pointing out behaviors that may not appear to be driven by anxiety but are - perfectionism, avoidance, rigidity.
Like Cohen's other books, the organization of the book leaves something to be desired - you just have to read the whole thing to find the nuggets you need, and fantastic points and suggestions are hidden among vignettes - take notes as you read cause you probably won't be able to find it again, haha.
Like Cohen's other books, the organization of the book leaves something to be desired - you just have to read the whole thing to find the nuggets you need, and fantastic points and suggestions are hidden among vignettes - take notes as you read cause you probably won't be able to find it again, haha.
March 12, 2022
This book took me nearly a year to read. Not because I didnt want to but because it was so helpful that I could only read a small bit at a time and needed to process it and test out each idea with my kid.
I started reading this shortly after one of my kids spiraled into some serious anxiety that we had not seen coming. I was in a desperate space and had no idea how to help.
The way that Cohen wrote this book both helped me understand what my kid was going through and strategies to help. It wasnt heavy or preachy. I didnt feel guilty but empowered.
Our family and my kid are in a much better space now and I am so grateful to have some strategies to help out when anxiety becomes overwhelming for any of us again.
I started reading this shortly after one of my kids spiraled into some serious anxiety that we had not seen coming. I was in a desperate space and had no idea how to help.
The way that Cohen wrote this book both helped me understand what my kid was going through and strategies to help. It wasnt heavy or preachy. I didnt feel guilty but empowered.
Our family and my kid are in a much better space now and I am so grateful to have some strategies to help out when anxiety becomes overwhelming for any of us again.
March 28, 2025
Mi-a ramas in minte acest fragment cu care rezonez foarte mult si pe care il voi pastra mereu ca ancora pentru momentele grele: " Buddhist monks who meditate all day may be calm and serene, but guess what? They don't have children! I think for parents the opposite of worry is not serenity or calm, but trust. We can let go of fears and worries about our children if we trust in child development, in the resilience of children, in the power of parent-child relationship."
A fi parinte vine la pachet si cu acesta grija, pe care cred ca o porti toata viata. Dar in bagaj, pe langa grija si multe altele ce trebuie carate, sa fie neaparat si increderea. Increderea in noi, in copil, in relatia noastra si in familia noastra.
A fi parinte vine la pachet si cu acesta grija, pe care cred ca o porti toata viata. Dar in bagaj, pe langa grija si multe altele ce trebuie carate, sa fie neaparat si increderea. Increderea in noi, in copil, in relatia noastra si in familia noastra.
May 1, 2019
This was fantastic -- the best parenting book I've read to date. Incredibly helpful even though my kid is only two. Last night we tried some of the physical play ideas in the evening and bedtime was ten times easier! I can't guarantee the connection of course... but he definitely loved the play time, and was less anxious about me leaving so he could sleep. I will plan to revisit this book when the kiddo is older.
I also want to add that I really appreciate how well-written this book is! I've read plenty of other parenting books that are useful and helpful but repetitive and poorly written (I'm looking at you, "Oh Crap"). This was a breath of fresh air in so many ways.
I also want to add that I really appreciate how well-written this book is! I've read plenty of other parenting books that are useful and helpful but repetitive and poorly written (I'm looking at you, "Oh Crap"). This was a breath of fresh air in so many ways.
January 20, 2019
I would recommend against reading this book for parents of anxious children. Both my kid's other parent and I live with anxiety, so my kid's anxiety is probably both inherited and learned. The author doesn't even try to understand anxieties, much less address the source of anxieties. It teaches parents to undermine their child's feelings instead of demonstrating a parent's support for their child. The approach in this book is too harsh and I know from experience that, in the end, it will only alienate children from their parents.
June 16, 2021
Another great book by Cohen. So many stories and ideas to practice with anxious kids. I don’t see recurrent anxiety in my own children, but the beginning of the book helped me recognize my own anxieties and how I can help. Also my kids DO sometimes get nervous and a few things he taught have helped. Would definitely come back to this book if needed in the future. He just provides so much application. End of the day, Cohen just really wants us to play with our kids. That’s a message I always need to hear.
December 22, 2018
My kid has some mild anxiety and some extreme intensity. This book gave me many things to think about and try as we do our best to help her grow and have a fun and successful life full of confidence and courage. The author strikes me as a wise and thoughtful therapist with loads of experience and self-awareness as well as a subtle sense of the complexity of human personality and behavior. That’s hIgh praise for a psychologist coming from me.
I’ll be reading his other books.
I’ll be reading his other books.
March 22, 2019
As a parent to two young children, I read this book at my wife’s request. Having now completed the book I highly recommend this to all parents, and have seen how helpful some of the ideas are when our children get emotional. I see this as more than a book on childhood anxiety, with principles and tips that will be useful to all parents.
I intend to use a lot of Dr Cohen’s 10 principles of playful parenting when engaging with our girls.
I intend to use a lot of Dr Cohen’s 10 principles of playful parenting when engaging with our girls.
March 30, 2020
Parenting books are probably never a joy to read because you are often reading them from a point of worry or anxiety about your child, but this was about as easy and optimistic as it gets. Full of good advice for helping children cope with worrisome things and with anxiety. It also has useful information for adults as well when coping with their own anxiety. Glad I read it, especially given the social isolation situation.
April 27, 2019
This is an excellent resource for parents of children with anxieties of any degree. I highly recommend this for both parents and teachers who would like tips on effectivity dealing with children's big emotions. Although many of the strategies can be differentiated for different age groups, it's more geared toward elementary aged kids and younger.
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