Alex Railean's Reviews > Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason

Notes truncated due to review length limit

- "you were so good on the flight" -> that is, obedient, quiet and not a nuisance to me.
- but what are your long-term objectives for your children?
- could it be that a bit of obedience now might interfere with long-term ambitions?


Compulsive compliance - out of fear, do immediately what your parents tell you to do.
- if now they do what you tell them to do -> later they'll be doing what **somebody else** tells them (but still not their own will)

# ch1 conditional parenting
Loving kids for
- what they do: conditional, you gotta earn it by living up to someone's standards
- what they are: unconditional

"We gotta love them for no good reason".
- not only that we have to do so
- but also in a way that makes them feel that is indeed the case


Karl Rogers' research
- what happens to those in the receiving end of conditional love?
- they end up disowning the parts of themselves that are not valued
- eventually they regard themselves as worthy only when they act, think or feel in specific ways


False self (based on research from uni Denver)
- teens who feel they need to meet conditions to get approval may end up not liking themselves
- this can lead to a false self: pretending to be someone that parents _will_ love. This is associated with
- depression
- sense of hopelessness
- tendency to lose touch with one's true self


# ch2 giving and withholding love
Timeout = time out of positive reinforcement, that is - temporarily stop giving love
- equivalent of "solitary confinement"


Whenever "it works", always think about
- at what cost, and whether there are subtle long-term issues
- what "it" is, are you optimizing the right thing, or are you successful in suppressing willpower and cultivating obedience


Hoffman:
- love withdrawal can sometimes be worse than other forms of punishment that seem more severe at first glance
- "love withdrawal may be more devastating emotionally than power assertion, because it poses the ultimate threat of abandonment or separation".
- moreover, the child, unlike the parent, doesn't know when it will end, and has not yet developed all the mechanisms to comprehend the temporary nature of this situation (while the parent knows it)

consequences of love withdrawal for kids who are exposed to it
- lower self-esteem
- poorer emotional health overall
- older children who are treated this way are more likely than their peers to be depressed

This can be an enduring fear, unlike fear of darkness - which we outgrow. It leads to
- fear of failure as adults
- avoiding attachment
- Hoffman's study with 7th graders - >reduced morality
- in tricky situations these children would rigidly follow rules, without taking specific circumstances or the needs of a specific individual into account
- having learned to do exactly as they're told [by their parents to avoid losing love], they apply rules in a one-size-fits-all fashion.

## Punished by rewards
- modern institutions have 2 tools that people in power use to elicit compliance from people with less power
- reward compliance
- punish non-compliance


Studies (which?) found that:
- praise and rewards are not a good tool to increase quality of output;
- students learn better when no As are used to reward them.
- it is better when descriptions of students' performance are used without attaching any grades.
- rewards are very good at eliciting _temporary obedience_
- but they will not create commitment, there will be no reason to keep doing it with utmost loyalty to the cause, especially when the reward is gone)
- (example: take 1000$ to take your shoes off right now -> it works, but it won't create a lifelong commitment)


Study findings
- children who are rewarded for bring nice attribute niceness not to themselves being so, but to the reward
- when there's no more reward to be gained for nice behavior -> there's less incentive to engage in such behavior
- it's not that the wrong type of reward was used, or the timing was off - the approach is wrong


Motivation
- intrinsic: do it for the sake of it being done
- extrinsic: do it for the reward
- extrinsic can erode intrinsic: if Ex grows, In is more likely to go down
- this was tested with various studies that looked at different ages, cultural backgrounds, genders, tasks and rewards.
- examples
- get paid to have a drink -> stop drinking when no more payments are made
- get paid to solve a puzzle -> stop working on it as soon as the experiment is over
- Focus on **how** your child is motivated, rather than whether they're motivated at all.
- it is **not the amount of motivation that matters, but the type**.

Note that this doesn't only apply to material rewards, but also to praise!
- praise creates pressure to keep up the good work
- they're less likely to take risks, which is a prerequisite for creativity


Observations from classes where teachers offer praise
- children who answer a question usually do so in an interrogative manner, like "uh.. Photosynthesis?" instead of an affirmative or assertive manner
- this is so not to endanger their "streak of correct answers" ;-)

## self-esteem controversy
- contingent (conditional)
- unconditional
-

# ch3 too much control
The dominant problem of modern parenting is not permissiveness, but the **fear of permissiveness**.
- parents are afraid to spoil the kids
- so they often end up over-controlling them
- micromanagement of children

Parenting styles
- authoritarian: strict and demanding, rarely offer explanations or justifications for the rules, expect obedience, use punishment, believe it is more important for kids to comply than to think for themselves

Autocratic environments make people sick.

German study from the 50s
- preschool kids of controlling parents
- were quieter, well behaved, non-resistant
- they also interacted less with their peers
- and lacked originality and curiosity

Same journal in the 90s
- study of 4100 adolescents
- participants with authoritarian parents
- scored high on a scale of obedience and conformity
- self-esteem--
- OR
- were overly defiant (either directly, or behind your back)

## food
2 nutritionists in Illinois ran a study
- 77 kids aged 2..4
- when parents insisted kids eat only during meal times, or ensure plate is empty even if they're not hungry, or use food (esp. deserts) as a reward -> kids diminish their ability to regulate their caloric intake
- these kids had few opportunities to control their caloric intake themselves and learned to **stop trusting the signals of their own body**.

## morals
Same pattern applies here. Those who are told what to do are less likely to think through ethical dilemmas for themselves.

## interests
Same thing, kids are less likely to keep doing something that is challenging.

Experiment
- parents sit on the floor with their kids <2y, playing with toys
- some parents immediately begin to micromanage: do this, hold it like that, etc.
- others let their kids explore, providing help when the child needed it.
- later, when dealing with a new toy on their own, those with controlling parents gave up quicker.

Similar outcome in another study of 6..7y
- kids of controlling parents played with toys on their own
- they lost interest soon
- and reported that the toys were less fun

## skills and other points
Kids of controlling parents are not only less interested in X, but they're also less proficient at it.

Other findings for kids if controlling parents
- lower intrinsic motivation
- poorer self-motivation
- less internalization of values and morals
- poorer self-regulation
- poorer feelings about one's self
- this has long term effects in older age
-

**We need to be in control of helping then get in control of themselves**. Empowerment, not conformity; respect, not coercion


# ch4 punitive damages
- Punishment is ineffective, and it has long-term negative effects.
- If you sugar-coat it as "consequences" - it is still punishment ;-)
- non-physical punishment is still punishment, just of a different kind
- "natural consequences", refusing to help a child in need via inaction -> still punishment. Example: if you're late to dinner -you'll stay hungry.
- here their lesson is "we could have helped, but didn't"!

Why punishment doesn't work
- it makes people mad, making the experience worse
- given the chance, those who feel like victims may eventually become victimizers
- it models the use of power -> you surely learn that force works, but not necessarily learn what the punisher wanted you to learn
- it loses effectiveness as kids grow older [and stronger]
- note: it is also more difficult to find sufficiently appealing rewards ;-)


# ch5 pushed to succeed
"preparation H" = "prepare for Harvard" :-)

Ref study on 11 and 12y kids
- depression
- started drinking
- cause:
- their parents placed emphasis on academic achievement and already spoke to them in terms of "getting into highly ranked universities"
- distress
- maladaptive perfectionism
- these issues were not present in children whose parents were focused on their well-being, rather than academic achievement
- study: "privileged but pressured, a study of afluent youth"

study in the '80s:
- 800 high school students
- students who were competitive: "unique by virtue of their greater dependence on evaluation and performance based assessments of personal worth"
- their self-esteem was rooted in how well they do in tasks and what others think of them
- competition has this effect on winners and losers alike

## for whom are you doing it?
- At first it seems the parents do it for the child
- BIRG: basking in reflected glory, parents who derive a "vicarious sense of vindication for the success of their kids".
- these parents will make it known very soon when you meet them, that their child is in the gifted children program :-)
- "Red shirting" - make your kid start a year later, so they're more competitive relative to their peers when they start (because they'll be paired against younger and less developed peers)

## at school
Know to see the difference between a student who studies to solve a problem and one who does it for a good grade.

When you prioritize grades, the students
- lose interest in the learning itself
- avoid challenging tasks
- to not ruin their streak
- because you're essentially telling them that success is more important than learning
- tend to think less deeply about the subject
- skim books just to get thr bare minimum for the grade they want
- they optimize for the test, rather than improvise and come up with new ideas
- "**enemies of exploration**"

Students who are told that an assignment will be graded are less likely
- to enjoy what they're doing
- and come back to it later, on their own time
- compared to students who get the exact same assignment, but without mentioning grades

Children who are offered incentives for good grades or given "consequences" for bad grades
- less interested in learning
- less likely to do well in school later on
- parents pressure on achievement inversely correlated with actual achievement
- control backfires

Quit early, so you don't fail. Later you can refer to it as your own decision to stop.


## at play
"we've decided to start swimming this year" -> I decided for my child ;)


"we just want him to do his best" - > really? Do you react the same when he comes home having done his best, and when he comes home with a trophy? ;-)

Working hard and delivering results
- 2 different things
- sometimes hard work will not yield results for reasons outside of our control

# ch6 what holds us back
Why do we parent the way we do?
- what we see and hear
- replicate our parents' practices
- sometimes they're influencing us directly with comments
- doctors,
- strangers on a bus, etc.
- what we believe
- what we feel
- what we fear (me: Lü addiction to sweets)



- parents keep applying control methods and threats because they work (on a superficial level, you get an immediate effect, and you don't think or see the long-term consequences)
- if you don't trust them, you go out of their way to control them.
- study of 300+ parents: those with negative views about human nature were likely to be more controlling with their kids

- conformity
- some families and societies actively promote it
- the more they do, the more a strict discipline will be enforce to control the kids
- justice as retribution
- many people believe that if someone did something bad, they should get something bad in return
- "everything, including love, must be earned"
- the question we should ask ourselves, is whether punishment works, and what the kids learn from it
- many parents do it just be sure they think it is the morally correct thing to do
- religion
- "breaking the child's will has been the main task delegated to parents by many generations of preachers, whose Bible-driven policy states that self-determination is evil".
- either /or thinking (false dilemma trap)
- assuming there are only 2 options, and if one is bad - then the other must be good
- example: **either you eat very little sweets, or you become a sugar addict**.
- "either we take a hard line, or they'll get away with anything at all"


Fear of being a clueless parent
- can lead to accepting bad advice from people who give it with confidence
- some give in to all the child's demands


"behavior Problem" when referring to kid issues
- we call it this way simply because we have the power
- you'd never refer to your spouse as a person with a behavior problem ;-)




Fear for the child's safety
- reasonable precautions vs overprotections


Fear of later
- time to do potty training
- time to teach them to read
- time to start walking
- > "do you really think she'll still be crawling in high school? What's the rush?" ;-)
- > relax and let the child proceed at their own pace

Fear of permissiveness
- stoked by discipline books


Some parents put their own needs first
- coercing children to take the role of friend or even a parent

# ch7 principles of unconditional parenting
- in a study: children who were spanked got back to "bad behavior" within a few hours..the same day.
- when spanking doesn't work, parents rarely doubt its effectiveness, they just assume more of it is necessary.
- why have a different attitude when "being caring and supportive doesn't work"?


A change of perspective is needed
- instead of asking "how do I get my child to do what I want?"
- ask "what does my child need and how do I support them with it?"

Guiding principles
1. Be reflective
2. Reconsider your requests
3. Keep your eye on the long-term goals
4. Put the relationship first
5. Change how you see, not just how you act
6. Respect
7. Be authentic
8. Talk less, ask more
9. Keep your ages in mind
10. Attribute to children the best possible motive consistent with the facts
11. Use your NOs sparingly
12. Don't be rigid
13. Don't be in a hurry

## Be reflective
The errors hardest to condone
In other people - are our own
(Piet Hein :-)

Beware of the possibility that the way you interact with your kid could have drifted towards controlling, without you noticing it.


## Reconsider your requests
Perhaps your request is unreasonable.

- If the meals are good and healthy, is it really necessary to force-feed?
- why does the child's room have to be maintained according to the parents' standards?


## Keep your eye on the long-term goals
Sometimes quick solutions will go against long-term goals.

Let's say you want to raise a compassionate person - if they spilled the milk, does that affect the long term goal? If not, adjust your reaction accordingly.

Me: reminds me of "we're growing children, not flowers" from another book.


## Put the relationship first
Being right isn't necessarily what matters, it matters very little in fact.
It doesn't matter at all if your children stiffen when you enter the room.

Misbehavior is easier to address if children feel relaxed to explain the reasons to you.

## Change how you see, not just how you act
See mishaps not as infractions that require consequences, but as **opportunities to learn/teach**.
**Include the child** in the process of solving the problem.

## Respect
"children sometimes know better than their parents whether they are sleepy or hungry, the qualities of their friends, their own aspirations and goals, how their teachers treat them, the needs of their body, whom they love and whom they don't, what they value and what they don't". - > Accept that.

Don't try to override their feelings.

## Be authentic
While we should be more than just a "pal", we must never stop bring people.
Don't hide behind the role of parent to a point where our humanity disappears.

Apologize when this is needed:
- be an example
- show that you're just a human
- make yourself vulnerable

## Talk less, ask more
Elicit ideas from them rather than do most of the talking.

A good parent listens more, rather than preaches.

Avoid
- rhetorical, pointless questions, ex: "why can't you look at people when they're talking to you?" :-)
- questions for which there's only one right answer, and the point is for the kid to guess rather than reflect, ex: "what do you think you could say to your sister since you just bumped into her?"

Sometimes not saying anything is the right thing
- it is OK to be by their side, wordless, when they're sad.
- hugging and holding (if the kid allows it) can convey feeling much better than words

## Keep your ages in mind
Different strategies for different ages.

Example:
- distraction is an effective tool to take away a dangerous object from a kid
- but with an older person - it is an insult to their intelligence

Calibrate your expectations to what they're capable of doing.

## Attribute to children the best possible motive consistent with the facts
Benefit of doubt.

Remember am episode from your childhood when you were wrongfully accused
- how did you feel?
- what should have been done?

You don't want your kids to tell stories about us in workshops when they become adults :-)

Auspicious circle VS vicious circle:
- if you don't have evidence of ill intent, assume it was positive.
- treat kids as if they already live up to a standard we've envisioned
- just because their action has a negative effect on you, doesn't mean that they had ill intent
- case: kid holding a big rock, teacher asked them to "lend it to me", put it near his head to show it