I’m sorry
This is probably the strangest way to start a blog. Not that it matters. I’m not doing this because I plan to do this to make money or to be famous or anything. No. I’m just doing because I want to engage in that sacred act that makes us human. I want to write. And yes, this will be messy. This will not make sense. But really, the point of this is I just want to write because sometimes we just have to let ourselves be, as confusing and messy and disorganized that may be. Because after all, it’s not like any of us deep down totally have things figured out and it’s good to be reminded that we don’t have to always have to be in perfect, logical, rational form. And it’s okay.
So why is this entitled “I’m sorry?” Because I want to apologise. For what? For losing hope too quickly. For all those times I wanted to give up just because I was having a hard time. For all those times I did nothing but whine and complain and bitch about how unfair things were.
Nagkamali ka ng napuntahan
Pero ikaw ay natauhan
Bumaling ka lang sa tamang daan
Where is all of this coming from? These were the lyrics that struck me most as I listened to the song “Susi” by Ben&Ben. You see, I found myself remembering the times that I’ve wanted to give up because I was having such a hard time.
Ilang beses man madapa’t sumubsob
Kailanma’y gawing matatag ang iyong loob
Mga batikos huwag nang diringgin
Pakawalan lang yan sa hangin
Bukas ay malapit na ring dumating
Lumaban ka pa rin
Recently, somebody asked me “Don’t you get tired of having all these advocacies?” You see, I can be quite a grim person, regularly talking about the things that make people uncomfortable in a regular conversation: injustice, violence, the creeping dictatorship of our government, etc. And to be honest, yes, it does get tiring. Sometimes, I find myself craving a Burger Yum and Jollibee Crispy Fries but I promised that I wouldn’t eat anything from any of the companies under Jollibee Food Corporation until they end contractualization.
But then I remember how the average Filipino worker struggles with making ends meet. I remember the inhumane conditions the hardworking farmers, workers, and fisherfolk go through. I remember the takatak boys who risk life and limb on the mean streets of Metro Manila just to try and earn a living. I remember the old ladies who watch over small stores on footbridges and beneath flyovers to try and survive. I remember jeepney drivers who drive all day all the while the government is forcing them into the jeepney modernization program. So many hardworking people doing their best to not just survive but to maybe even provide and take care of their families.
Balikan kung bakit ba nagsimula
Bago mo sabihin na ayaw mo na
Huwag mong sosolohin
Di ka mag-isa
Ikaw pa rin ang susi sa pinto ng iyong tadhana
I tell that person, “Yes. It gets tiring. But there are some things you see but can never forget.” Whenever I go out and enjoy myself, drinking with friends, partying, going to gigs, getting pampered at a spa, staying at a hotel, the things I’ve seen are always at the back of my mind.
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A family member once told me that I shouldn’t “carry the weight of the world on my shoulders.” And for my own sanity, that’s true. But at the same time, I can never turn away. It’s important to take care of oneself but I can’t live my entire life chasing distractions and pleasures. I owe it to people who are worse off to at the very least to live consciously of their struggles.
And then I felt ashamed. I remembered how many of the people I’ve who are so much worse off than me seemed so much more hopeful. And yet I let myself lose hope so quickly. I had let my view become so narrow. I let myself become so caught up in my sense of self-importance, selfishly chasing things to feed my ego.
I cried and felt so ashamed. Then, I saw with my mind’s eye the image of one of the many incarnations of Buddha: Guanyin, the Goddess of Mercy. Like a prodigal son returning to their parent, I sought the comfort of a loving mother.
I called my mother and told her I was sorry for all of the times I scared her and my father for wanting to end everything. The loving mother that she is, she reminds me “It’s okay. You’re only human.”
I suppose this is why many ancient religions and cultures establish the mother as a merciful figure. Humans will always seek some form of comfort when they know they have seen the error of their ways. To balance the justice-seeking discipline of father figures, is the mercy-giving compassion of mother figures.
When I find myself in times of trouble
Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom
“Let it be”
And in my hour of darkness
She is standing right in front of me
Speaking words of wisdom
“Let it be”
In the song “Let It Be,” the lyrics talk about how the merciful Mother Mary tells us to let it be. Some people interpret it to mean just leave things alone. Now, I find a new meaning to the song. When we’ve strayed from the path, when we’ve done wrong and we are truly seek forgiveness, the merciful mother forgives and tells you “It’s okay, let it be.”
Reminder to myself: Giving a damn is difficult and there will be those who insist that it’s foolish and pointless. They’ll try to distract you. You might give in and get distracted. You will stray the path. But when you catch yourself, come back. And don’t feel too bad about it. You are human.
