Choking the Chicken
No Animals Were Harmed during the Writing of This Article.
98% of all men masturbate, the other 2% have no arms, Ba-Dum-Bum…The realm of the animal kingdom has a whole spectrum of sexual proclivities. To the obsessive fetishists, to the androgynous, to the asexual. But in my experience, on average, most men masturbate. Ya know, jerk-off, spank the monkey etc. (Please comment with your favorite synonym)
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Our desire to release our seed is as deeply ingrained in us as is a woman’s desire to have a child, and one is directly responsible for the other. Yes, the reality is that the existence of our species is predicated on our desire to ejaculate semen, not that it always happens inside a fertile vagina; sometimes an old sock will suffice. The point is, please do not attempt to guilt, chastise or make us feel ashamed of this very natural and necessary biological function. Our society wouldn’t dare shame a woman for wanting to have a child, so why would we shame a man for his natural desire to release his seed. These biological imperatives are included in Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs.
Sex sometimes includes sex with yourself. If your a woman who doesn’t accept the fact that your man needs to occasionally rub one out, and may indulge in recreational watching of pornography to assist in the variety, or intensity of experience GET OVER YOURSELF!!! Sometimes, you have a headache, you’re PMSing or menstruating and with work and kids etc. sometimes there is no time for frisky business. Sometimes were just at odds and we need personal space, and no matter how hot a woman is there is man out there who is sick and tired of putting up with her shit. Some of the shit we put up with is understandable, the garbage needs to be put out, snow needs to be shoveled etc. But feel free to take a break from constantly reminding us of what we already know needs to get done. Sometimes we would just rather take some free time to play video games, watch some TV, or drink some beer with our friends. This personal time and space makes us better and more functional husbands and fathers and masturbation falls into this category. This personal time allows us to deepen our relationship with ourselves (not really, but it sounds good). The reality is it just feels good, it relieves stress, it relaxes us, and helps us fall asleep, it makes us less irritable and more patient. Like Woogy from the movie ‘Something about Mary’ warns, not masturbating is “like going out there with a loaded gun.” It’s not only a physiological imperative, but I’m sure if you do some research you’ll find a host of scientific evidence that proves that male ejaculation provides a host of healthy effects on neurotransmitters and, and stress management and yada yada yada.
So ladies, you don’t need to get offended, or take anything personally, or get all jealous if your man decides to massage himself while enjoying images of a girl he would normally never get to see naked in real life. I’ve heard some guys like to sit on their hand to make it numb, so it feels like someone else it wankin’ it for them. Whatever beats the meat. Be happy that he’s learning to love himself. He’s not cheating on you, but variety is the spice of life. It’s nice to experience things through imagination and fantasy sometimes. We just have to account for the contrast between the ideal fantasy for different genders. Reading “50 Shades of Grey” is like us going to ‘YouPorn” Try it sometime, try it with him, you might be amazed at how non threatening, and enjoyable participating in something that turns-on your partner might be. It’s a scientific fact that we are more visual creatures. And if we love and appreciate the curves of another woman, or the way she walks, or smiles, just allow us to just be human and enjoy it. I promise, that if you accept and embrace our nature in this way, we will be better lovers, and husbands, for we wont be ashamed by the passive aggressive guilt and shame from the stigma that comes with doing something some consider immoral or sinful. James Brown once said “If buffing the banana is wrong, I don’t wanna be right.”
Now this doesn’t excuse ogling, or inappropriate communication. That behavior crosses the boundaries of respectful behavior. You and your partner need to openly discuss and define in clear and certain terms the boundaries and behavior that you expect from each other. But expecting things that are unreasonable are not considerate to our humaness and is irrespective of our nature. Most of us just want to be loved for who we are, let us be men, let us be the sexual beings that we are, and let us choke our chickens, with liberty and justice for all.
(No offense to and vegitarians, nor do I advocate violence against animals)
