Charm
I never heard my mom say that she’s proud of me.
I never heard “I love yous”
Sometimes, I also felt that she just never cared at all. Still, I grew up convincing myself that the love that I knew was a different was different from the love that she knows. As a child, I convinced myself that I was loved by my mother in ways that only she knows, and for that, I let all things pass. And I relent even from things that actually hurt because I loved her too.
Instead of I” love yous,” I was financially funded; in studies, food, clothes to keep me warm and a roof under my head.
Instead of saying “I care for you”, I’d constantly get scolded and be punished for my mistakes. Thinking that this discipline is better be trained for a child.
Instead of “I’m proud of yous,” I received “I’m lucky to have you” and excessive boastful bragging to other people they knew.
And that is when things went wrong.
Swerte kami sayo
I was treated like a lucky charm. Literally. They gave me things, they provided me what I needed, they bought me to life — and little by little, I gradually pay all those back.
Literally, treated like a lucky charm; A golden statue of buddha, a beckoning porcelain cat, a bowl of gold coins. Something you maintain and kept well enough so that it brings something in return.
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And because of that, my life felt like a job of constantly adhering to their rules, even on those unreasonable ones. I lived maintaining the face that they wanted to see, I breathed to continuously fulfill their expectations of me, afraid that if I ever fail any of those, I’d might get thrown out like a broken charm.
Or if I was no longer of use, I’ll be something that they could just throw away.
I mean, that’s the point, right? What’s the use of keeping a golden statue of buddha if it can’t provide you fortune in life? What’s the purpose of taking extra special care of a porcelain cat in your sala if it’s the bad luck it failed to shoo away? What could be the reason why a jade dragon must be kept displayed and shown when it isn’t giving you anything, like money perhaps, back?
As truth hurts as it should be, All useless things are bound to be thrown in the trash.
That made me live in fear and in pain as well.
I am loved now, but what about when tomorrow comes?
They care for me now, but what will happen if I suddenly fail?
I am important right now, but what if the next time I’ll suddenly be a burden?
I don’t know.
Who knows what will happen to a lucky charm next?
I was like lost critter in a loop called madness, along with all the things that I feared, the pain, and overwhelming emotions that I felt.
I blindly ran across a dark forest, not even thinking about the things I might hear nor the thorns that are already in my feet or if it’s already bleeding, I just kept running.
Running towards the path that they want to see me in, no matter what it takes.
To fulfill their expectations even if it’d cost me of my own sanity. To continue running because I can’t stop just because I’m tired or even have the privilege to want to. It’s a different kind of risk when the deed will cost me of my own life too.
I kept running and running and running.
No matter how much it hurt. No matter how my body fails me, no matter how many times I break down. I had to keep running no matter what I felt because I had no choice and I must go on.
Make the impossible happen, perform spells, execute fantasies, blind myself against the truth, and move the way puppets do; with the strings in their limbs attached to their owners.
Besides, what’s the use of a charm if it cannot perform the way you want to?
— — —
Writer’s note:
I wish you luck in removing those cursed ties with your own charmful owners :>
