atonement

HE is the most merciful. for a grave mistake and a great sin i have done in the past, he has put me in the same situation again. almost exactly as it was before. as if to say 'here is another chance for you my son, make it or break it'.

and it's time to be good again, insyaAllah. it's an atonement.

thanks ya Rabb.

scary-marry

if i were to choose one thing not to be scared about, i would definitely go for marriage. why? because it is scary. a friend is getting married in less than a month time and he admitted that he is stressful. it goes without saying, he indeed looks very stressed up.

it got me thinking, or rather asking, is marriage not supposed to be peaceful? it's a journey towards a totally new life. how can one embark onto a new life and is not at peace? in my friend's case, i am sure he'll be fine, it's just cold feet. but as for the rest, i can't be sure.

marriage is not easy. it's not just about having a good amount of money in your bank accounts. or a beautiful somebody you want to cuddle every night. it's much more than that! it's a HUGE responsibility, GIGANTIC commitment. now, that makes it sound even scarier.

for a person who is not a big fan of commitment, i'd choose to wait for another two to three years.

looking for commitment courses to attend.

umpteen chances

second chance is hard to get and most often than not, it's the last one. it's a break or make thing. it's trust. but with some people, we would just keep giving, time and again. or at least me, the ultimate sucker!

there's this boy i used to look after. he was on drugs. still is actually. now he is back looking for me, looking for help. he said he wants to go to the rehab and that he needs my help to arrange. i hesitated at first, but how could i not help him. how could i not help someone who need one? so i said yes i will.

i remember how badly i was hurt and cheated. manipulated is perhaps the best word. i remember exactly how it feels. not only once or twice and not only by one or two kids. but i kept giving and i got burnt out at the end.

but that's the things with kids, they need more than second chance. if a chance is a space to make up what they have done wrong, then they need more than just that space. it could be a dark space, so they need some light. it could be dusty, so they need some cleaning up. it could be lonely, so they need a company.

i guess we, the adults, too need more than that space.

so if umpteen chances is what it takes to make a person a better person, so be it.

but of course, terms and conditions applied.

lumpuh

bila telinga hanya mampu mendengar
bila mata hanya terdaya melihat
bila suara hanya berupaya mengia

aku rasa lumpuh

hanya utusan doa
kerana aku tak berdaya
semoga Dia permudahkan semua

sabar

sabar. katanya seperdua iman. maka andai itu dipakai kira aku calon yang paling beriman. mungkin. mungkin juga yang aku tahan ini, yang aku bendung ini, bukannya sabar? kerana aku gagal mencari di mana imannya. jadi apa? bodoh? mungkin juga. kerana aku terus percaya dan aku terus memberi. dan akhirnya aku sendiri, menanti penuh harap, apa yang pernah dijanji.

hanya sejengkal rasanya, antara aku dan putus asa.

*ini bukan berkenaan kerja. lebih kepada rasa seorang abang kepada adiknya. sekian.

bateri

menulis dari ruang kecil ini
sambil melirik baki bateri
yang tinggal tak lama lagi
berfikir sendiri dan mencari-cari

persis hidup di alam hakiki
andai nyawa bersisa seinci
apa yang tinggal untuk dicari
redha Ilahi atau kepuasan duniawi

harapnya itu nanti pilihan
bukan ketetapan
kerana aku percaya adanya Tuhan
kerana aku takut diperdaya syaitan

aku melirik bateri lagi
sudah tidak lama berbaki

hidup ini
hujungnya pasti mati
kerana nyawa bukan bateri

pulang

rumah usang
tanah gersang
rumput lalang
lama sudah aku tak bertandang

pusara berdua
sanak saudara
bila terakhir kita bersua?

hijau daunan
dingin air mandian
sepoi angin bertiupan
riuh ayam bersahutan

kampung halaman
tunggu nanti aku pulang