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Dad Jokes

!dadjokes@lemmy.world

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Please see the updated sidebar. Do not post external links to websites such as Facebook and Instagram.

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Please post jokes about adult topics to the new Uncle Jokes community

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Update 2025-9-11: If you cannot tell this joke to a 5-year-old and they would understand, you should probably post it to the this community: !unclejokes@lemmy.world. Please message me if you think it could be different.

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What do you call a dog that helps out with out being asked?

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A volun-terrier!

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Keeping dry too!

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Promotion

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What side of the Easter Bunny has the most fur?

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The outside! Happy Easter 🐰 🐣!

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Did you hear about the climber who collapsed on Mt Everest?

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Authorities just found Himalayan there….

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At the ATM

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Did you know that Big Foot often gets confused for Sasquatch?

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Yeti never complains!

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When I was growing up, I was and believed the USA was the greatest country in the world. But something always nagged on me about it..

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Then why did they create the USB

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Scientists are getting tired of watching the earth spin...

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So they’re calling it a day…..

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What's the best type of movie about waterfowl?

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A duck-umentary!

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What is this new wave or phase of people not liking frozen water anymore?

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I thought everyone loved ICE

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One thing I've always wondered about the Little Miss Muffet story...

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Did the spider get in the whey?

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I’ve consumed a lot of yogurt in my life

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I consider myself a man of cultures ..

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How does the Easter Chick 🐣 bake an Easter cake 🎂 ?

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From scratch!

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Some light reading

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cross-posted from: https://lemmy.world/post/44941422

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What do you call a famously big basketball player at an electronics shop with his atoms decaying?

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RadioShaqtive

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Why does the Easter Bunny have such great complexion?

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She eggs-foliates!

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Give the thieves a break

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This One Went Over My Head

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she/her
Picture of an archery target with an arrow stuck in a nearby wall, completely missing the mark. "You really should try archery while blindfolded. You don't know what you're missing."
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What do you call a pay toilet?

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Johnny Cash

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Bread in captivity

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I just accidentally glued my thumb and index finger together. I was starting to panic and then I realized.....

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Everything was going to be okay 👌

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What's the best thing about a test tube baby?

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You get a womb with a view.

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You should always use a credit card when you buy any type of battery...

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They work better when they’re charged…

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Did you know I studied Dad Jokes in college?

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I majored in Sigh-cology!

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It's finally arrived.

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What's your Dad Score?

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Did you see what that marine craft dealership salesman did during the halftime show?

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He was showboating.

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Why can’t you pamper a cow to much ?

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All you will get is spoiled milk

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Did you hear about the guy who only sings when his car is in reverse?

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It turns out he was a backup singer…

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A dung beetle walks into a bar

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I got robbed the other day and called the cops. They asked me if I had a description of the suspect.

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I said “Yes, pump number 5”

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A new study shows that classical music can help calm shellfish.

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It’s the newest mussel relaxant.

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I had a Ford Fiesta but I put some Adderall in the gas tank.

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Now it’s a Ford Focus!

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My uncle said he use to live in a house haunted by the ghost of a dessert chef

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He said he really gave him the crepes !

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Do they allow it?

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cross-posted from: https://lemmy.world/post/44614689

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Meow

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Remember when using Botox was kind of taboo?

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Now no one raises an eyebrow!

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Coming up with good titles is cumbersome. I just can’t dill with it.

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What do you call a snake on car glass in Germany?

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A vindshield viper

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I was out at the bar the other night and the bartender yelled "Does anyone know CPR?" I yelled back "I know the whole alphabet "...

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Everybody laughed, except this one guy, of course

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A ton is heavy

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But not if you write it backwards!

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I tell dad jokes quite often

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He tends to like them

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Did you see the movie about rivers and waterfalls?

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It’s now streaming!

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A duck walks into a drugstore and says, "I'd like some lip gloss"

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The clerk says, “certainly sir, will this be cash or card?”

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Wholesome

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Origami: [reddit] [via lemmy]

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When I tell my wife that I'm going to do something, I'll do it.....

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She doesn’t need to keep reminding me every 6 months

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What do you call a seagull when it lives in a bay?

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Bagel

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What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

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One is a heavy animal, rhe other is a little lighter…

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What do you call an Irishman who bounces off walls?

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Rick O’Shea!

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Just when you think “vegetables don’t have phones”…

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Onion rings…

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I tried to stop my professor before he told that awful joke about perpetual motion

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But he kept on going ..

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In 3,024 years life will either be really good or really bad

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It’s 5050

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What's a Grecian urn?

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About ten bucks an hour.

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I've been diagnosed with a fear of giants. It's called....

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Feefiphobia!

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What people are kinda sweet?

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…the Swedish

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Why don't runners stop for a hotdog in the middle of the Chicago Marathon?

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Because they can’t catch up.

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You shouldn't starve a cold.

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You might make a cold sore.

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What do you call Greek revolutionaries?

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Gyros

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Ivan grew up chopping wood in the forests. He survived because he was strong and used to hardships. His next job was in the mines, but he survived because he was strong and used to hardships.

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His last job was a lookout on a schooner. One day a strong wind blew him out of the crowsnest and onto the deck. He survived because he was strong and used to hard ships.

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What's the difference between a Vietnamese restaurant and an Indian restaurant?

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One is Pho-profit and the other in Naan-profit….

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Why did the magic bowling tire end their career so young ?

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They kept getting spares

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Make it slow

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cross-posted from: https://piefed.world/c/tenforward/p/952401/make-it-slow

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What is a Chiropractors favorite cereal??

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Rice Crispies….Snap Crackle and Pop

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Truly we don't excel at naming the generations

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Otherwise the generation after Z would’ve been AA.

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Batman doesn't eat turkey on Christmas.

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But he’s Gotham.

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Potato Head has fallen into a coma at the hospital

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Doctors say they may never come out of their vegetative state …

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Teach a man how to fish he eats for a day

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Teach a fish how to man, you change the future for all of humanity

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You never know if you're gonna need one some day

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cross-posted from: https://lemmy.dbzer0.com/post/65075765

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Puntastic shin protection

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What do yo call a belt made of watches?

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A waist of time

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My wife has been demanding I stop with the Flamingo impersonations

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So I had to put my foot down ..

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I woke my wife up the other night by shouting in Elvish.

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I was Tolkien in my sleep.

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I was going to slow cook some alligator yesterday....

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But all I had was a croc-pot!

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It's not even cold outside

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