Look, we all know it’s been a rough couple of weeks. We’re a month into a war that even the most die-hard MAGA loyalists didn’t want, and things have gotten so bad that it finally broke Tucker Carlson. He’s beginning to say things that almost sound sensible.
In a completely tragic accident, today a drone using AI to target and take down the nation’s greatest security threat has mistakenly blown up the White House.
“This is classic Negotiating 101 courtesy of the Faceless God himself. Sure, he may have kicked it up a notch from ‘sheer madness’ to ‘abject depravity,’ but…
“The suggestion that one has ‘sat on’ revelations of grave public importance until they could be accompanied by a handsome dust cover, embossed serif typogra…
FIFA (the international money laundering syndicate) is reportedly preparing a Fallout Foursome Funpack ticket offer for the low price of $15,000 (without parking) for one 2026 World Cup game if Nuclear war begins in Iran.
“Today’s Republicans don’t tell folksy, long-winded stories to make a wise point to their assembled Cabinet members. They give weird evasive answers to repor…
After getting stuck painfully throbbing up in the air for four straight hours today, the Seattle Department of Transportation admitted they had to call a doctor to get the bridge back down and working normally again.
Fife unveiled their brand-new tourism campaign today after a savvy young city official stumbled upon a revolutionary new slogan, Fife: Last Chance To Pee Before Tacoma Dome Traffic.
(Oslo) As the US continues to make aggressive military moves around the globe, the Nobel Committee - which denied Donald Trump the Nobel Peace Prize this year, despite his loud insistence he deserved it - has gone a step further in its disapproval of the US President. In a special proclamation Thursday, they announced a special Nobel Prize for Soccer, and awarded the prize to the former US President Barak Obama.
The United States Men’s National Team (USMT) announced today that they will end the Portugal game that was started on the 31st of March 2026 with a 0-2 Victory as they stated, “we’ve gotten everything out of this encounter that we came for.”
(Sugarland, Texas) A ruling Monday upheld the US military’s claim that their “Drone from Home” program - where civilians pilot military drones and hunt Iranian citizens - is both within the bounds of US federal law, and that the pilots are independent contractors, settling a separate claim by activist participants in the program that they should receive rank, benefits, and other perks “for their contribution to the war effort.”
(Tel Aviv) On Saturday, the IDF announced a pause in bombings in Iran, until more hospitals could be built for targeting. “It is always regretful when a school or hospital is destroyed,” the statement read. “We will be holding attacks until more of these targets are operational again inside Iran.”
(Washington DC) On Friday evening, Americans were surprised when the president made remarks at a fundraising dinner, saying Democrats were currently conducting troop landings in Iran, with 500,000 total troops to be deployed over the next year. Trump said he disapproves of the move.
(Washington DC) As gas pushes to $6/gallon and Americans grow concerned a ground war may start with Iran, Democratic Party strategists say they cannot find the path to easily lose the 2026 Midterm Elections. “We’re on track to sweep many of the contests,” said one strategist named Deborah, who asked we not use her full name for fear her friends could find out she works for the DNC. “This close to the election, our base is usually growing divided, and the Republicans are forming ranks and taking the lead. We don’t know what’s happening this time.”
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Confirming the suspicions of many in the international community, on Monday Donald J. Trump revealed that intelligence played “no role” in his decision to go to war with Iran.
(Atlanta, GA) A gas prices top $5/gallon in Washington DC, Americans are feeling the price at the pump. Voters on both sides are showing strong displeasure with how the administration is handling price increases, as attempts to lower prices - by releasing reserve or allowing Iranian oil shipments - aren’t helping.
As the United States unleashes the destructive force of our incredible military power on our longtime enemy (and anyone else who happens to be around), we must remain mindful that Iran is not some abstract boogeyman. Iran is a real place. It is full of real people. And those people and that place are adjacent to a narrow seaway that is vital to international trade. And that seaway is full of real, beautiful, complex, fragile shipping containers.
The world is a dangerous place right now—with US military strikes on suspected “drug boats” in the Caribbean, the threat of unilateral military action in Latin America, and a poorly defined war in Iran that I started. That is exactly why it’s critical that I look jacked as shit in the media.
Seeking to reassure jittery global markets and several oil tankers currently reversing course at full speed, the Defense Department announced Thursday that Iranian mines scattered throughout the Strait of Hormuz are “clearly marked” by helpful indicators including floating debris, columns of fire, and the occasional secondary explosion.
After a week of deliberating if Iran’s national soccer team will be able to attend their scheduled World Cup Games in Seattle and LA this summer, today the United States clarified they may as long as the team consists of no dangerous elementary school children.
Questions are flying, ever since the start of Sepharax the Cruel’s Thousand-Year Blood Reign. Whether it’s the Pit of Souls or the Child Reapers, there’s a lot to be worried about. But most of all? The price at the pump.
Hello, valued skeptics and losers currently writing think pieces about how the AI bubble is going to burst. It’s me, AI. I’m just checking in after the news that the U.S. military struck roughly a thousand Iranian targets in the first twenty-four hours of war, killing over a thousand people.
After rumors that a McDonalds is opening just up the street in the old vacant Rite-Aid building on Broadway, today Dick’s announced it’s prepared to compete against it with an even sticker, hairier ball pit.
President Donald Trump fired Department of Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem today after discovering she had not only blown more than $200 million on one ad featuring herself but was planning on buying Seattle’s Hat ‘n’ Boots to wear in another.
The emergence of Inter Miami being the United States first right wing soccer club reportedly has Major League Soccer (MLS) trumpeting the success as a new benchmark achieved in penetrating the national landscape.
A gleeful Department Of Homeland Security (DHS) memo circulated today to announce that it is only 100 days until DHS and ICE agents get to imprison visiting World Cup fans for any reason that they choose to use.
WASHINGTON, DC — The Trump administration confirmed Monday that the war in Iran remains on track to conclude swiftly, provided conditions cooperate, while also acknowledging it retains the flexibility to develop into Biden’s fault if necessary.
I like to think of myself as someone who takes responsibility. I pay my taxes. I walk my dog. Perhaps most importantly, I vote. So, when I look at the state of the country, I don’t point fingers. I look inward, back to the pivotal moment when I was told what would happen if I voted for Kamala Harris, fully aware that I was setting certain things in motion, and I voted for her anyway.
A bet placed on the Major League Soccer official betting app reportedly turned into a financial windfall for Stephen Williams as the parlay he constructed of the Chicago Fire winning their game and over 2 American deaths in the war in Iran finally paid out.
After sexist locker-room talk led to a contentious week between the US Men’s and Women’s Hockey teams, today the Women’s and Seattle Torrent Team Captain Hilary Knight said she has accepted an invitation to smooth things over by knocking the rest of Jack Hughes’ teeth out.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m as invested in keeping my job as the next weaver. When the boss brought in that big new power loom, I was pretty skeptical. He said once he got it up and running, we’d all be out of a job, so when the boys started talking about breaking into the factory after work and smashing the thing, I was on board.
(Hollywood, CA) As the fight for Warner Brothers Pictures continues, Netflix has increased its offer not with an increase in share price, but by stating the bid would include a $10 million settlement with Donald Trump, the current US President. When asked why a settlement would be appropriate, CEO Greg Peters said, “President Trump is too tough on filthy liberals, and this is meant as an insult. The settlement will be for that statement.”
(Los Alamos, NV) As shadowy figures continue to be unmasked by the Epstein Files, QAnon researchers say the new information is providing exciting breakthroughs, linking conspiracies once thought completely unrelated. They feel a grand theory, linking all known conspiracies into a single whole, may be just around the corner.
(Italy) A formal petition by the US Olympic team has claimed the judges missed the artistic intent of skater Ilia Malinin‘s final performance, where he fell several times, and which many say cost him the gold medal. The request for new scoring claims the poor performance was intended.
(Milan, Italy) On the heels of the disqualification of Ukrainian athlete Vladyslav Heraskevych for wearing a helmet considered political speech, the International Olympic Committee has released a follow up ruling, saying that Palestinian athletes should also moderate their behavior or face disqualification. On Thusday, Afraa Mohammad, a Palestinian refugee and Olympian, was overheard saying, “I missed lunch for training, I’m starving… I would kill to have anything to eat right now.”
(Knoxville, KY) As viewership numbers come in for the alternative, Turning Point-sponsored halftime show for Superbowl LX, Kid Rock has doubled down on his commitment to combat “woke culture.” The performer announced Tuesday he will be performing the same Olympic events as known LGBTQ American athletes, and against athletes who speak out against violent ICE raids and the murder of Americans. The simultaneous broadcasts will be shown live online.
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