1. |
all torn up
03:26
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november 4, 2024
i’m all torn up over nothing at all
i haven’t been discreet about it
i’ve been dreaming all night just to know what it’s like
to move around through life unclouded
and i’m so close now to giving up
easier done than to care enough
to be all torn up just to feel your love
covered in shame or the lack thereof
i’ll believe it when i see it
not a moment before that
like a dog gnawing on a bone
unhinge my jaw and snap her in half
i’m all choked up over missing your call
losing my head over being forgotten
pushing my cheek up against a wall
told you i miss you but i’m wishing i hadn’t
i was all torn up over nothing at all
i was losing my mind, yeah, i’ll do something about it
holding my breath, staring up at the wall
wondering how it got so crowded
feeling ashamed, feeling nothing at all
i was screaming your name on the floor of the canyon
take my hand, it’ll cushion the fall
press it to your heart like the national anthem
(follow your lead, i could be just a shell of
no, i don’t need anything
i could give it all up
what you have is enough
give what you take or don’t
it’s my mistake ‘cause i’ll follow your lead at the end of the day
we stare at the mismatched paint on the walls
no, i don’t care at all)
i’m all torn up over nothing at all
i haven’t been discreet about it
i’ve been dreaming all night just to know what it’s like
to move around through life unclouded
and i’m so close now to giving up
easier done than to care enough
to be all torn up just to feel your love
covered in shame or the lack thereof
i’ll believe it when i breathe it
not a moment before that
like a dog running scared, tripping over the air
i'm gonna bare my teeth and pull back
i’ve been hung up, i’ve been playing it wrong
and i haven’t been out but i’ve been feeling surrounded
hold my breath until the voices are gone
but i gotta get up, there’s no getting around it
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2. |
(un)fairweather
02:23
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may 02, 2024
droning on about last week
latching on to every other
car that passes on the street
who out there could be my __
drowning at the end of spring
fell in love with these five letters
april showers unforeseen
be my friend in unfair weather
cross my heart and hope to try
to make sense of her goodbyes
she's the rain and i'm the sky
always there but who knows why
dreading anniversaries
one year down, another closing in
ill fit for company
could it be that i'm too __
talking down but yet to keep
promises, another broken
plant the thought as if we need
some reason to keep this going
cross my heart and hope to die
fooled me now a dozen times
she's the moment passing by
never there but who knows why
be my friend in unfair weather
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3. |
aquarium guy
02:43
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august 04, 2024
summer palace, overdrive
jealous of the aquarium guy
falling short but close behind
chasing every dollar sign
i was stuck in '17
falling for the american dream
puget sound she came calling
matthew's the only one who knows
everything i've been thinking
value the friends who come and go
without ever speaking
hiding away can we postpone
our last meeting
'cause matthew's the only one who knows
color balance, black and white
gunning for self-sacrifice
i was perfect, i was nice
she was angry all the time
we were stuck at 23
trading love for self esteem
puget sound she came calling
matthew's the only one who knows
everyone i've been seeing
all of the girls and all the ghosts
who all end up leaving
hiding away can we postpone
our last meeting
'cause matthew's the only one who knows
summer palace, 105
jealous of the aquarium guy
falling over myself, i try
finding balance, simplify
23- i wave goodbye
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4. |
4334
02:08
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june 05, 2024
red and white and green arcade
called your bluff and hit the brakes
you had me but i'm to blame
violent like a hurricane
play it nice, it's all the same
i don't need you to explain
you turn me on when you call my name
won't you choke me out, you've got no restraint
you've got no restraint
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5. |
bug boy
02:23
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september 27, 2024
and i thought
he was an honest man
not without conviction
offering a helping hand
and an ear to listen
and i met him in a dream
just to wake up lonely
lived a lifetime, promising
still, he doesn’t know me
and i found him to be rigid
frozen still in the setting sun
open up, my timid
little chosen one
i found him counting blades of grass
with a june bug in his hand
if you’re wondering, just ask
he’s an ordinary man
just an ordinary man
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6. |
hey, little bird
02:53
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december 6, 2024
hey little bird on the telephone wire
did you have a good laugh when you saw me unraveling
haven’t you heard that the flowers are drowning
in that pocket of earth that you can’t seem to stop watering
hey little worm peeking your head out of the ground
did you know just what to say when you caught me looking down
was it something in the water growing these seeds of doubt
i guess, little worm, i’m gonna have to hear you out
little voice on mute, did you want to talk about
the disappointing truth, did you want to talk about
the
hey little girl on the other side of the big blue sea
did you know that you’re on my mind near constantly
haven’t you heard that the flowers are drowning
on your side of the world where you can’t seem to stop watering
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7. |
welsh goodbye
02:23
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january 16, 2025
i was having a good day, staying in my lane
looked at the phone and i wanted to die
sea moss tinge to the sky
she hit me with the welsh goodbye
hours stuck on the metro, droning the same note
feeling cheap like the bottle of wine
she dropped off of the side
of the bridge we were on last night
i was walking a tight rope, wearing the same clothes
that i wore when we bought that wine
streetcar, give me a ride
to the sea at the end of the night
found myself in the fresh snow, depressive episode
just like the dream where i felt downright
bizarre, take what you like
then hit me with the welsh goodbye
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8. |
1/100
02:58
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september 4, 2023
smoked oak and bergamot
you're nothing like what i thought
i thought i would be over you
now the foot's in the other shoe
you were loose change and a compliment
asked me just what i meant
'cause i had less than what i spent
on you
goodbye for the hundredth time
see you when you're somewhere feeling lonely
and you've got me on your mind
goodnight or so you told me
won't you pick me up and hold me
i've been waiting my whole life
drunk drive in the parking lot
don't cry 'cause it's all i've got
you let loose and i broke my jaw
screaming at you
show up when it's far too late
i've always known you to hesitate
you take your time just to make me wait
for you
smoked oak and bergamot
i'm tired of getting got
i wish i could just see things through
but it'll never be enough for you
loose change and a compliment
if you just tell me where and when
i've lost more than what i've spent
on you
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9. |
elegy
02:17
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january 19, 2025
living funeral, an elegy younger than
give your ghost a twirl, celebrate or phone it in
i’ve had many dreams of drowning slowly
while breathing in
when i’m in the ground, don’t cry for me
i’m where i’ve always been
living funeral, an elegy younger than
give your ghost a twirl, celebrate or hold it in
i’ve been restlessly avoiding sleep
eyes sunken in
when i’m in the ground, don’t follow me
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10. |
magnolia *
02:34
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september 22, 2024
meet me at the statue park
by the northern gate at the witching hour
walk me through the dim lit streets
and tell me all about the magnolia tree
lead me ‘round to the taco bar
fill the hole in my stomach, feeling full in my heart
chalkin’ it up to company
and i’m talking myself out of saying a thing
i chipped my tooth
on a bottle of mike’s hard
i was 14, trying to impress the lifeguard
at the neighborhood pool
playing the fool
when i’m older, i’ll be wiser for you
sit me down by the copper plaque
and read it letter by letter, keeping eye contact
stroll with me through the well-kept streets
and tell me all about the magnolia tree
i chipped my tooth
i hit my head
i split my lip wide open
i spent my youth
looking ahead
without a single motion
i chipped my tooth
on a bottle of mike’s hard
i was 14, trying to impress the lifeguard
at the neighborhood pool
playing the fool
when i’m older, i’ll be wiser for you
i tore my dress
on the door to the subway
tripped on the platform as i boarded the L train
i’ve been dragging my feet
taking the heat
like a promise i’ll be earning my keep
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11. |
apple of the earth
02:43
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january 4, 2025
Apple of the earth, i call on you
When i am down and i can’t see
Me clearly
Arbitrary words exchanged for hours
On the ground floor of the
Music building
feeling
tired of the world rotating slowly
wish that i could fall asleep
and wake up in two or three
months, say “i’m sorry
didn’t mean to disappear
but that’s just me wallowing”
colorado in the spring
falls short this time
Apple of the earth, i lean on you
just for a moment when i’m sad
go on and show ‘em what we have
Arbitrary words searching for power
sounding sweet but feeling sour
on the street walking for hours
look at me,
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12. |
big october
02:21
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october 31, 2024
is somebody haunting you
under the october moon
waiting for a line of sorrow to pass
mostly out of view
was it all you wanted or more
than you ever thought to ask for
taken by the light of morning enchanted
just to wake on the floor
dinner and a holiday
what do you have to complain about
don’t you even start tearing me apart
what would you like me to say
is somebody haunting you
under the october moon
don’t you even start tearing me apart
what would you like me to do
was it all you wanted or more
than you ever thought to ask for
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13. |
red rover
03:33
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spring 2016
if i told you that i loved you
would you let me stay
i don't love you
you're just someone on who i've fixated
i don't care if it's a lie
i don't want truth just a beautiful guise
hide today, come back tonight
when you leave, i'm fine
everything is temporary
nothing i want is necessary
but it'd be nice to get my way
that won't happen today
if i told you that i want you
would you push me away
if it were me, i'd have started running
before you could finish that phrase
i don't care if it's a lie
i don't want truth just a beautiful guise
hide today, come back tonight
when you leave, i'm fine
everything is temporary
nothing i want is necessary
but it'd be nice to get my way
that won't happen today
if i told you that i loved you
would you let me stay
i don't love you
you're just someone on who i've fixated
she says don't come over
red rover, red rover
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fuvk Austin, Texas
audio journal
2016 -
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