Dungeon Crawler Carl Quotes

“Goddammit Donut!”
― Matt Dinniman, Dungeon Crawler Carl

“Cats are assholes. I get it. But do you know why people like cats, despite their asshole-ness? It’s because they don’t fucking talk. If they did, and they were all like you, they’d all be extinct because we’d have killed you all by now.”
― Matt Dinniman, Dungeon Crawler Carl

“Mana Toast. This is toast. It refills your mana. That’s it. Nothing more. Fuck you.”
― Matt Dinniman, Dungeon Crawler Carl

“Question: What’s the only thing standing between an innocent child and a happy, fulfilling life? Answer: You. The answer is you.”
― Matt Dinniman, Dungeon Crawler Carl

“Being eaten by a bugbear makes me uncomfortable, Carl. So if your boyfriend ogling your tootises keeps these easy-peasy bugs coming at us instead of more of those lava-spitting llamas, then you better buck up, get over your human male privilege, and take one for your princess.”
― Matt Dinniman, Dungeon Crawler Carl

“Did we really just start a meth war between the goblins and the llamas?”
― Matt Dinniman, Dungeon Crawler Carl

“Reward: I SAID THE GHOST OF STEVE IRWIN SMILES DOWN UPON YOU.”
― Matt Dinniman, Dungeon Crawler Carl

“The last time the walls shook like this was when your mom came over for a visit.”
― Matt Dinniman, Dungeon Crawler Carl

“New achievement! You’ve killed an armed mob with your bare fucking hands! Holy crap, dude. That’s kinda fucked up. Reward: You’ve received a Bronze Weapon Box!”
― Matt Dinniman, Dungeon Crawler Carl

“If we get to the point where we don’t help each other anymore, that’s when we stop being human.”
― Matt Dinniman, Dungeon Crawler Carl

“Your Mom.”
― Matt Dinniman, Dungeon Crawler Carl

“When the Black Death swept through 14th century Europe, killing upwards of 200 million people and forever altering the course of human history, one of the original culprits of the epidemic was said to be the black rat, carrying plague-infested fleas into population centers to wreak their destruction. This is, in fact, not true. The true perpetrator was actually the Asian great gerbil, who took advantage of the warmer climate to travel the silk road and bring the disease into Europe. This is only important to know because Ralph, champion pit fighter of the kobold training grounds, lives his life in a perpetual state of rage. Why? Because he feels that human death toll of 200 million is much too low, and he will do everything in his power to triple that number. Starting with you. The only survivor of a family of gerbils left to starve by a child who’d grown bored with the pets, Ralph had to commit unspeakable acts of cannibalism in order to endure. Part earth rodent, part the embodiment of death, Frenzied Gerbils are regular mobs one might encounter on the fifth or seventh floors. But Ralph here is special. He has dedicated his existence to fighting and training in hopes that one day he might exact his revenge against the humans he so despises. He is fast, he is angry,”
― Matt Dinniman, Dungeon Crawler Carl

“You’re not going to break me,” I said. “You might hurt me, or kill me, but you’re not going to break me.”
― Matt Dinniman, Dungeon Crawler Carl

“Mongo shrieked with joy and began to vigorously devour the remains, filling himself up so much his stomach bulged afterward. The little dinosaur puked on the floor and then ate that, too.”
― Matt Dinniman, Dungeon Crawler Carl

“Nor am I wearing a cloak that makes me look like I won a participation trophy at the special needs comic con, Carl. I’m a cat. Cats don’t wear pants.”
― Matt Dinniman, Dungeon Crawler Carl

“Cats are assholes. I get it. But do you know why people like cats, despite their asshole-ness? It’s because they don’t fucking talk.”
― Matt Dinniman, Dungeon Crawler Carl

“So if you read this and enjoyed it, please review it. It’s against Amazon’s rules to offer a prize to those who review books, but I will risk Amazon’s wrath and offer my services to be the father of your babies if you post a review.”
― Matt Dinniman, Dungeon Crawler Carl

“You attacked and caused damage to a mob that is more than 75 levels above your own. The fact that you’re reading this suggests you’re the luckiest fucker in the dungeon. Just remember, luck goes both ways, like your mom. Reward: You’ve received a Platinum Lucky Bastard Box!”
― Matt Dinniman, Dungeon Crawler Carl

“The corpse had looked like a party sized sausage and green pepper pizza that had been run over a few times”
― Matt Dinniman, Dungeon Crawler Carl

“Your creature crapped in my mother’s ashes,” Mordecai said, shaking his head. “This is so not worth it. Not worth it at all.”
― Matt Dinniman, Dungeon Crawler Carl

“Donut: THIS MUSIC IS MAKING MY HEAD HURT. WHY CAN’T THEY PLAY SOMETHING GOOD? LIKE OASIS.”
― Matt Dinniman, Dungeon Crawler Carl

“Her eyes were clenched shut in mock pain. “This mortal coil is shed.” “Oh, get up,” I said, looking about the room. “Help me loot all this crap.”
― Matt Dinniman, Dungeon Crawler Carl

“Bad Llama. Level 3. It’s a llama, but it’s bad. If he were human, he’d be covered in prison tattoos and would be hanging out in front of the Circle K hitting on 14-year-old girls. They might be willing to sell you something if you have good stuff to trade. You won’t want to get hit by their spit.”
― Matt Dinniman, Dungeon Crawler Carl

“He rushed up and chomped her directly on the nose.”
― Matt Dinniman, Dungeon Crawler Carl

“...Also it's a toe ring and is probably uncomfortable and makes you look like one of those hippy assholes that sit around in a field juggling and Hulu hooping all day”
― Matt Dinniman, Dungeon Crawler Carl

“Standard healing potion increases your health by at least 50% doesn't cure poison or other health seeping conditions such as secubus inflected gonorrhea”
― Matt Dinniman, Dungeon Crawler Carl

“There was a difference between giving aid and sacrificing yourself for people you didn’t even know.”
― Matt Dinniman, Dungeon Crawler Carl

“...goddammit Donut - Dungeon Crawler Carl (a lot)”
― Matt Dinniman, Dungeon Crawler Carl

“Donut: CARL IT IS ANOTHER VILE MURDERER. Carl: I don’t think so, not this time. Also, I know you don’t have to type in all caps. I’ve seen you do it before. It makes you sound like you are yelling. Donut: I AM YELLING CARL.”
― Matt Dinniman, Dungeon Crawler Carl

“New achievement! War Criminal. You have killed more than 20 non-combatants in a single attack! Question: What’s the only thing standing between an innocent child and a happy, fulfilling life? Answer: You. The answer is you. Reward: You’ve received a Gold Asshole’s Box!”
― Matt Dinniman, Dungeon Crawler Carl