The unbelievable antics of the fucking literate. Thoz eevul ashowls.

I’m imagining something like Pee-Wee eating an m&m. “Why don’t you take a picture, it’ll last longer.”

Probably reading it

Are you calling me out because I’m from Texas, or calling out Texas cops because they’re cowards who watched children get slaughtered and then cried to the courts for the right to not do their job?

Of course! That cop was a freaking hero! They just saved some poor old woman, in a transient housing situation, from some hook-wielding maniac who pushed her down a flight of stairs after she tried fighting them off! Without that officer, who bravely jumped off your shoulders and across the finish line, who knows what could have happened!!!

You know what? I heard that the lady was mentally unstable, but that her assailant was wearing a mask and possibly even had an axe!

~Oh hey! What’s this little package? I think there’s something for you inside!~

Why would cops go in? I don’t like to repeat old stereotypes, but black people hardly ever hang out in roaring fires; so to whom would they deliver their bullets?

*Does downward dog against the toilet bowl and loudly fire-sprinklers shit all over the bathroom and self*

Shh. Not a- oh… Right. The joke…

I keep imagining an earnest battle, from which people in the other room hear a chorus of two rapidly chanting “ow ow ow ow ow ow ow”

I had to look that up, and I’m so glad I didn’t use a private tab. That oughtta make my search results interesting for the next few days.

See? Wild!

He point-blank told us during his first administration that he takes accountability for nothing. And that’s why he got elected again, because who doesn’t want unaccountable leaders???

Yes, if you ever replace your clutch and forget to put in the clutch bearing, you can hear how much of a difference is made by touching any part of your transmission controls.

Also, be gentle with your clutch pedal. If you break your clutch fork, you’ll possibly be unable to shift at all, or you’ll only be able to engage the clutch by manually lifting the pedal with your foot. If this happens and you have an adjustable clutch, you’ll find yourself shifting by navigating the longest clutch throw known to any consumer vehicle and end up with the world’s beefiest left leg.

“Beast’s head is too big for his body. We either need to make his head smaller, or his body bigger. Y’know what? Let’s play it safe and do both.”

Remember that time that God told Moses to strike the rock so that the people could drink water. Later, Moses struck the rock again without instruction from God, and God was all like, “oh, that’s cool. I’m a super-chill and reasonable being; you don’t gotta ask me for permission to end your own suffering.”

Oh wait, I’m misremembering what God said. I believe it was actually something along the lines of, “I’ll fucking kill you, Moses. I’m gonna make you slave and toil to bring these people, who I’ve expressed nothing but hated for, to the land that you’ve dreamt of seeing, and then I’m gonna fucking kill you right before you get to see it. You know what, motherfucker? Write that shit down. You’re gonna write a fucking book about how powerful I am compared to you little shits, and you’re gonna write about your little fuck-up, and how I’ll fucking kill you. I decide when the suffering ends!”

So, yeah. Let’s assume that so these pious assholes and their moody invisible friend are right/real. What part of their book has ever indicated that God wants them accelerating his plans?

I still find it difficult to tell her that I have no interest in traveling to the US

Tell her. If she’s insisting that you visit this hellhole, then she needs to know that you feel unsafe. I live in Texas, and my family keeps talking about coming to visit me. I have to tell them that it’s a bad idea, and I explain, “don’t mistake my survival for your safety.” The fact that I haven’t been blasted in the face by ICE yet is not proof that Texas is alright; it’s just proof that I haven’t been blasted in the face by ICE. Yet.

I also feel bliss after taking a big shit

En garde!

Clean your lens

Whatever, they’re gonna blow it up later. From the moon.