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- cross-posted to:
- [email protected]
The NYT was roundly mocked for the original headline and has now changed it to
No One at Waffle House Remembers FEMA Official Who Says He Teleported In
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“FEMA official blacked out and came to at a Waffle House”
FTFY
blacked out and came to at a Waffle House
I have a proposal to add this to the Waffle House FAQs, if they have them.
Q: I teleported to Waffle House. Am I a god? Was I abducted by aliens? Am I the most important person in history?
A: While we cannot definitively rule out any of those things, every time this has happened in the past was due to the customer blacking out and going to the only place that was open at the time. In fact, this situation accounts for a large portion of our revenue. Don’t think of yourself as a pathetic brainless drunk loser. You’re an important part of the economy.
If memory serves, he also claimed to have been driving when he teleported into a ditch 50 miles away.
Which just comes across like he was driving when he really shouldn’t have been (Drunk/Tired and Emotional), and fallen asleep whilst on the road.
waffle house has a homing beacon signal for drunk/drug addicts, they natural hone it on it.
You actually have to be an expert to be dubious of this?
If yes, what kind of expert?
The kind of expert Waffle House hires or feeds:
among roughly two dozen workers and regulars interviewed this week at Rome’s three Waffle House locations, none said they were aware of anyone traveling to the 24-hour restaurants by paranormal means,
Reporter: “Hello, I’m from the New York Times, and I’d like to ask whether you’re aware of anyone who has teleported to this Waffle House?”
Waffle House employee: Thinking “there are some real weirdos who come in here”. “Uh, no.”
This statement looks like it came from a redacted document from FBC headquarters. What in the Remedyverse is this?
I suspect that this story is linked to the one below somehow…
That should become an SCP honestly. Just some one that randomly teleports you to waffle house or some other food related business but no one believes theres anything wrong
First, who the fuck is an expert on teleporting to Waffle House?
Second, why the fuck are the experts “dubious” instead of incredulous or openly condescending? JFC, c’mon experts, do better!
I thought the use of “dubious” was hilarious. It’s quite an understatement, like, “Yeah, that may not have happened,” avoiding calling him a liar directly, but conveying that it’s extremely unlikely.
@limelight79 He might NOT be lying, and while you and I are free to say that, media and prominent figures are not, because it’s an allegation.
An allegation is a claim of fact supplied without evidence. If it’s potentially damaging, it can rise to defamation, and trigger a potentially costly lawsuit.
A ‘lie’ isn’t merely something untrue. It must be something the claimant KNOWS is untrue, at the moment they claimed it. And to make that allegation, you must be able to PROVE that.
/2
@limelight79 2/ We don’t really know what he believed at the time he said this. No technology exists to prove it either way, and short of very unlikely evidence such as a dated and notarized letter affirming intentional mistruth, or a credible witness to such admission, you can’t really PROVE he lied.
A person who sincerely believes a falsehood is not lying; they’re just wrong. To accuse them of lying is to impugn their character, and for public figures that can be defamation.
/3
@limelight79 3/ Again, it doesn’t matter what you or I say, because we’re not prominent enough for ANYTHING we say to constitute defamation. Nobodies like us recklessly say shit all the time, and no one cares. We can’t impugn the man’s character.
But a media organ or other public figure can, and so they can’t accuse people of lying unless they can prove it – which is very difficult. Such reckless talk can get them hauled into court and made to pay stiff penalties.
#
Uh yeah that’s why I said they avoided directly saying he was lying.
Who knows, they don’t wanna be wrong in ruling out the impossible, because what if just a rift opened up and pulled him to waffle house. Better not wanna state facts before investigating :O
Strangely after teleporting I always wake up with a headache and memory loss.
And for some reason it’s always right after twenty beers
Surely that’s a coincidence. If it was the beer, how come you don’t teleport a little bit after 1 beer?
My logic is infallible, and by my logic we can 100% exclude that beer has anything to do with it.The power of deduction baby. 😋
Bruh, you weren’t drinking beers, those were glasses of Ayahuasca.
I haven’t teleported since this one time where I immediately got lost and had to ask a dragon for a ride home. I woke up naked on my neighbor’s porch with a tattered ribbon of red silk tied around my penis.
It’s terrible what the aliens do to people after they scoop them up and before they teleport them back to Earth. There’s probes and prodding and general dubious medical practices. That’s probably what causes it. I’ve heard they use certain solvents to pacify people first though, so you might fail a breath test when you first return.
Yeah I think they are examining my head a bit too much. So much I’m sometimes also dizzy from it?!
We must assemble an panel of experts to discuss on the evening news. Both sides have legitimacy that must be explored. The segment must end inconclusively leaving it to you, the viewer, to decide on if the head of FEMA was teleported for a Waffle House against his will or if he was blackout drunk.
I teleported 15 blocks a month ago at 2am. I was leaving a bar, things go dark and I’m at a bus stop a mile away. The trippy thing was that no buses were running atm. I ordered the cheapest uber of my life and got back home.
The sad thing here is the real underpinning: Guy had a fugue, which can be super alarming, and rather than contact his doctor or a doctor or, you know, even asking an AI, he decided he teleported and then decided to go public with that info. Now I hope someone talks to him. Transient fugue states can be normal and harmless but this can be a sign of something more serious, like epilepsy or brain changes. But also please someone fire him quickly.
I’m going to guess this was at 2am in the morning after a night of drinking at the local strip club. He just found himself at a table hungover, with a coffee and a plate of greasy bacon and eggs, wondering how he’d got there. Must have been a UFO portal. Couldn’t possibly have been a drunken blackout. No, siree.
Who are the teleportation experts?
…When mentally ill people are put in charge of the nation’s government…
All according to plan
Teleportation experts.
So… going with the bit here…
At what point does the SCP Foundation step in?
Because to me, this sounds like either a cousin or variant of SCP - 7819.
… Its Keter class… people are not supposed to know about this.
Don’t they have mental health screening for employees at FEMA? Maybe it is time to take care of this person.
they do. They only hire the people with the highest scores on the results.
Experts? Experts of what exactly? Teleportation?
“Experts are dubious” ok that’s sorta funny, but it’s too bad this is such a serious position being held by a blackout Christian drunk.
No we’re not doing “experts are dubious.”
We’re at “society is sick of this shit go away asshole,” and have been for some time now.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Understatement
Understatement is an expression of lesser strength than what the speaker or writer actually means or than what is normally expected. It is the opposite of embellishment or exaggeration, and is used for emphasis, irony, hedging, or humor.
Understatement also merges the comic with the ironic, as in Mark Twain’s comment, “The report of my death was an exaggeration.”
Your average American is not intelligent enough to decipher the clever wordsmithing of the average journalist.
In an age where sensationalistic headlines are the norm, an understated headline can seem to lend credibility to the absurd.
This is not a problem, though. I enjoy eating popcorn and watching the world burn.
