Choosing Happiness
The past two months and the whole of 2016 really has been a period of continuous big changes in my life and I’ve found myself, more often than not, extremely overwhelmed with everything. It felt like I was a dancer studying a dance and every time I’m about to get it right they tell me they want to play a new song and for me to dance a different dance. Things changed so quickly that there really wasn’t much time to get use to anything, I lost my routines, and the new ones I kept making were only valid for a couple of days, weeks, a month or two before it became outdated. There’s a lot that happened in between, some events made me close my eyes and hope that when I open them I’d wake up and everything was just one of my many night terrors, it’s usually followed by opening my eyes, realizing this is really it, pulling out a crooked smile and internal yelling a litany of English profanities.
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2016 gave me a better appreciation of life and of the people I have in it because they stayed even when I was borderline crap. Right now I believe I have picked up myself (although I’m still wobbly on the knees here). I’m handling situations better, my friends are still super supportive, they’ve been cheering for me even when I was out of it, my boyfriend has been a great confidant, and my family is still intact despite all the things going on. Thank you for everyone ever! You helped me pick myself up, I can probably do it on my own but you help speed the process up (you made choosing to be happy an easier choice), because you were there to tell me what I’m doing wrong kindly or frankly depending on what I needed, you were there to help me stand when I let the cracks get the best of me, you did those seemingly small things like texting, saying hi, sending pictures, complementing, caring. You’ve provided good company to this girl who’s trying to come back to her usual upbeat, we can do this, cry for 10 seconds, positive forever self. Thank you.
I wish everyone happiness this year and the succeeding years after, may you always find your way back to it. I know that some days will be harder, incredibly difficult even, but it’s always an option if you choose to choose it, choosing it might mean fighting for it or clawing your way out of the cold and dark pit, choosing it might mean having to talk yourself out of your unhappiness, by refusing to be a slave of ones own fears. This year I had to learn that all over again. I had to remind myself that although sadness, fear, anger, and all those negative feelings are emotions that I cannot avoid, they are initial feelings, choosing to dwell in them would be my choice. Just as much as keeping myself happy would be my choice too. I am my responsibility, and even if a lot of crap happened it’s my choice if I’m going to mope about it or do something about it, even if doing something about it is just making sure I’m okay. I decided that I want to stop having breakdowns and panic attacks, sure I had to experience them a couple of times more after that decision, picking myself up was a tedious process in a signal number 5 typhoon I call my emotions, I did mess up here and there, made things worse in a couple of occasions, but I got myself out and that’s the greatest achievement I’ve had lately. I’ve found new strength, and I’m happy to be able to trust myself again. With this I can say that I’m ready to write. The stunned tropical dragon has been revived (lol should I even call myself this)! LET’S GET THE STORIES ROLLING!
