Mortality
Sometimes I wake up and I am hit by my mortality.
I wake up and the first thought in my mind is relief that my medicine is working, that I did not stay with my nightmares, and then I start to dread that I might live with this fear for the rest of my life.
The images of long hours in the hospital, the blood tests, the cold wait for the biopsy, and every day drinking pills fills my reality. When did I become a lab rat? Where did all my Tuesdays go? I’d sit on a bench at the blood diseases ward waiting for my turn, I pretend that I don’t notice the stares of the senior citizens around me, I’d pretend like I don’t know what they’re thinking — because they’re thoughts are in Japanese I’d say — but I know in my heart what they’re asking me: why are you here little lady, why are you here with the sickness of old age, why do you have what we have, what a pity for someone so young.
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The hospital asked me if they could use my medical records for future research, because people my age don’t usually develop chronic myeloid leukemia, and they wanted to use it for future studies. I said yes because maybe someone like me is also afraid that they’ve yet to live their lives and they’re already dying. Maybe this is all the help I can offer this world. I hope that they discover a cure with my records, so that people don’t have to be where I am.
I dread the hospital, but I’m also thankful for what it has done for me, it has extended my life. A couple of months ago I couldn’t walk up a short flight of stairs without feeling spent, I spent days and days and days telling myself that I have the strength to get out of bed without getting out of bed, I was utterly, completely, and truly exhausted with life, but now I live, and in some days, I can almost forget that there’s anything wrong.
I opted to continue pursuing my graduate studies, because I did not want to stay in Japan for medicine and be alone with my thoughts day in and out, because I needed something to do, because I did not want to give up on my dreams, because my sickness will not stop me from living. In this decision, I have broadened by knowledge, I have made good friends, I’ve gone out and explored, and done the things that I thought I’d never be able to do again. There are constraints, I must be careful of how I spend my energy, but it’s better than waiting for death to pick me up at the next bus stop.
This is not the life that I wanted, but it is the one that I have. If I dwell on the idea that I did not want this, that this is unfair then I will never be happy. Every day I remind myself that my circumstances will not define how I end, it will not take over my life. This is what I have, and I will work with it to reach where I want to be, because I will not let myself succumb to desolation and fear. I live my life like this.
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