“A White Knight”
A strong desire blazes within me. The desire to make life a bit bearable for the individuals I care about by easing the suffering that they have endured in the past. Regardless of what it would cost me. However, I often question, whether I'm truly helping or if it's just me seeking self-validation. A pursuit for a sense of self-worth. Doubts persist, leading me to think that maybe I'm just being obnoxious or not trustworthy enough yet. Since it's like reopening old scars. Maybe I'm just a "kind narcissist."
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Sometimes I wonder if it’s truly a selfless deed to ask them “how are you doing?”, or is it just delusional altruism born out of our savior complex?
Every person who is hurting has gone through their own "hell" which resulted in their distrust for others and their words of affirmation. It dawned on me then, that I am no different. The masks we wore, were there to show self-reliance because we wouldn't want to place our burden on others. This reminds me of the philosophy of Friedrich Nietzsche, a German philosopher, who was known for his exploration of pain, authenticity, and human vulnerability. He would often write about the risks of sharing one's inner truths, as the world may show indifference or apathy. We fear that once we do, we may end up with betrayal and abandonment. So we hold ourselves back as a defense mechanism.
I read a quote once saying, "We are like books. Most people only see our cover, the minority read only the introduction. Many people believe the critics, but only a few will know our content."
I genuinely want to be there for them in their ups and downs, a person they can lean on, even if it’s only to lend an ear to their heartaches and dilemmas. Although, like in art, I am still a work in progress toward emotional maturity. I will take one step at a time. But one thing is for sure, when they’re feeling lost, I will be their lighthouse to guide them just as they too once were for me.
