Vegetarians
Vegetarianism is like a disease, and it’s spreading out of control.
Vegetarians. Just the word is enough to make my piss boil, which is a phrase I’ve used a lot recently. I’m coming to terms with the fact I’m just a grumpy old git.
You cannot go down the pub these days without there being one in your circle of friends or even worse, a vegan. Throughout recent years, we’ve had all kinds of extreme diets endorsed by celebrities of that time. We’ve had low fat diets, low carb diets, and now we’ve got veganism which seems to be the most in fashion and trendy diet doing the rounds at the moment. It’s endorsed by people such as that F1 driver, what’s his face…
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By definition, a vegan is someone who lives a lifestyle which excludes the exploitation of animals. This is in all shapes and forms, not just food wise. So are you seriously telling me all these self-proclaimed vegans don’t wear make-up, don’t own any leather products, keep all animal products out of their diets? The list goes on.
Now almost any dieter has cheat days and It’s these cheat days that get me, as even the most adamant vegan I know has cheat days, usually after a few tipples when she can’t say no to a bit of cheese or cured ham. Yes, honestly. “Oh well, I’m good most of the time and that’s better than not at all” she says. Well, yes, but you cannot call yourself a Vegan then, as you do not fit the definition. And you certainly shouldn’t be lecturing others if you do not practice what you preach. Hypocrite.
Oh and the lectures bore me to death. When I order a steak (medium rare for me with a bottle of Malbec please), they start with the look. The look of disapproval while they sit there on their high horse with their smug face browsing the salad menu and the variety of bottled water on offer. Bloody puritans. Stupid too most of them when they don’t think of asking the waiter for a tap water which would be free of charge. Anyway, more fool them.
So, I’ve ordered and the meal I’ve been looking forward to all day arrives. “Oh hello” I say to it as the waiter places it in front of me ready to tuck it. I tell you now, as soon as that fork touches the succulent steak the lecture begins, and once they start there’s no stopping them. Don’t ask me how I know. You will hear all about what a nasty person you are until closing time. I’ve gotten rather good now at pretending I am listening while not really listening. Learn it, as it’s a skill that’s good to have in life. You’ll thank me later.
For me, I wish these evangelical Vegans would at least order something a bit chewier than a salad. It’s the only way to get them to shut up so I can eat my steak in peace. May I suggest a bread roll?
— D. M.
