LOST
Intro…….
I am a young man still in college pursing my masters at a college that I don’t like, with peers I hate, and have absolutely no clue why I am living the way I do….
Before lockdown happened, my life was going fine, i was enjoying my time in my bachelor days. Then I started falling for this girl in my class….. Long story short we both loved each other but thanks to me, we broke up.. biggest mistake of my life! I took it hard and still am, the lockdown combined with depression forced me to isolate myself from my friends and family….. and all my insecurities came rushing towards me like a military.
One good thing that came out of it was I reconnected with god, because of my fear that something bad would happen to my love.
Journey ahead…..
anyways, fast forwarding to 2023 (present), I’m enrolled in a MBA course at a local no name college, with a worthless degree which has no real impact on my life, but what is making matter worse is that my life is going down these days. I was very quickly labeled as arrogant by my teacher and some of my class mates, I became very conscious of this fact, my problem with it is that if it was someone telling me in all honesty to help me I would’ve strived to do better, but people here are adamant on hurting each others feelings. This are very superficial and people are very fake here and i can’t stand it here….
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My Insecurities…
I have other insecurities that make it worse like getting beaten up by a stronger guy — I’m not a weak person, just don’t eliminate the idea of getting hit and not being able to do anything because I’m too scared to retaliate, it’s one of my biggest insecurities that I’ll be inadequate to protect the people I love (especially women in my life eg-my ex gf).
I want to be the best man in the room at all times, and to be honest I also love the attention I get from females. But thanks to my insecurities I’m constantly how I’ll inadequate to my female counterparts, especially if they are good looking …, I’m an emotional wreck and I’m hurting people around me as well.
I don’t know how to behave around people anymore.. I don’t want to come off as arrogant and my isolation in lockdown still has it’s grip on me.
I like to keep my affairs private and hate it when my family outside the house, especially when it’s my sisters… I’m not conservative, it’s just I hate how men stare at my sisters even when I’m around (In my country men always do that) and I can’t do much about it..
I remember one time I was walking with my ex and a man touched her inappropriately in her thigh, I saw that but I pretended I didn’t because I didn’t wanted to make a scene ( I genuinely didn’t deserve her), that has been my most regretful memory. I tried to be better but I realize that I haven’t moved a lot ahead from where I was.
DIE…
I don’t know what I want.. I want my god, I want a good life, I want someone to love me, I want my family and ex to be happy, and safe. I want to be strong to protect them and make a valuable addition to society, I want fame, money and glory, I now realise that want people to worship me, I’m a narcissist and I must die…..
