Never split the difference

I found this book extremely dense and informational. It tells you a lot about human psychology, along with tools that allow you to harness these principles and negotiate better deals for yourself.

However, the biggest, most important idea in the book is that you should not give in to the innate desire to avoid confrontation. You should not allow yourself to think that what you’re asking for is too much and that you’re being cruel or greedy by asking for it. In any negotiation, the problem is the situation, not the other person. You need to navigate it with empathy, not by just conceding so that you can get along. The latter approach leads to a buildup of hate; both parties grow bitter, and then they split. How many couples are there that divorced even though they never argued? The right approach is to fight for what you believe in with empathy. You must listen, understand the other side, and make both parties search for solutions to the problem.

The book starts by talking about previous academic ideas and research on negotiating. He talks about how they focused on problem-solving and reaching the best decision for both parties. However, they considered the emotional part of negotiating to be something that should be pushed down and kept away.

He then says that while working with the FBI, he and his teams had to develop ways to negotiate that worked in scenarios where emotions were the main drivers of their counterparts. These are scenarios like hostage negotiations.

The book highlights how there are a bunch of innate human behaviors, things that we want, and ways we behave and think that heavily influence how we negotiate with each other. A good negotiator is aware of these characteristics and is able to control them in himself, and is able to use them to convince the other side.

A few of the innate wants are —

• We all want to feel listened to.
• We all want to feel understood.
• We all want to feel respected.
• We all want to feel in control.

A few behaviors are —

• In a negotiation, most of us are constantly only thinking about our own arguments instead of listening to the other party.
• We impose deadlines on ourselves, and are then influenced into giving in when those deadlines approach.
• We buy or do stuff that makes us feel better in a certain way, not necessarily the product itself. We use rational thoughts to justify emotions, but the decision is based on emotions.
• When negative feelings are spoken out, we feel those negative emotions less intensely. Since we deal with stuff based on how it makes us feel, defusing the negative emotions of the counterparty is crucial.
• We react to the voice and face of the person talking to us as much as, if not more, than the words they say.
• We can become anchored by low or high offers when we are not sure about the value of something. We need to resist this.
• Humans put in more effort to avoid loss than to gain profit. So, try to make the other person feel like they have something to lose if the deal doesn’t fall through.
• tit for tat is ingrained in us. If someone asks us for something and we give it, then we feel like they owe us.
• precise numbers hold more weight.

Now, we have a bunch of techniques to exploit these behaviors and innate wants. The key to any negotiation is to get the other party to feel very positively about the interaction, and once they feel positive, to use other behavior patterns to get them to make a good deal with you.

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One key thing about negotiations is information. As a negotiator, you need to try to gain as much information as you possibly can. One of the techniques used for extracting information from your counterpart is to mirror them. Repeat the last few keywords of their sentence to them as a question and wait for them to spill the beans. Do this while listening intently. Try to gain as much information about the other person as you can. You need to actually listen and not fall prey to the desire to formulate your own arguments while the other side is talking.

To make the counterparty feel understood, you tell them what you think they feel and summarize their position. This is to be done after listening to them very intensely and putting yourself in their position. The structure you use matters, too. Don’t say, “I think that you feel like…”. Say, “It seems like you feel…”. The former makes it about yourself and puts the other person on the defense. If they say “that’s right”, then bingo, they probably feel understood. Beware, if they say “You’re right”, then they probably don’t feel understood, they just want you to shut up. These summaries are called labels. Along with making your counterpart feel understood, they can also be used to gain more information. Throwing in a label that you think is inaccurate will make the other side correct you, which will give you more information.

To make them feel in control, you need to get them comfortable with saying negative words, like “no”. When someone does not feel in control, they space out and just say yes until the conversation is done, or they completely ignore you. They do not take an active part in it, and even though you might get a yes, you will not actually strike a deal. You need to get them comfortable with disagreeing. You can do this by intentionally mislabelling their feelings so that they disagree with you. When you have been ghosted by someone, the best way to get them to respond is to throw in a label that you know is incorrect. Forcing them to say no. This is a better way to get a response than a question that they say yes to.

To make them feel respected, you need to make sure they feel like they are being treated fairly. The best way to make them feel respected is to say in the very beginning that you want them to feel like they are being treated fairly and that if they ever feel like they are being treated otherwise, they should feel free to tell you so that you can go back there and figure it out.

There are ways people use the word fair to get you to concede. One way is by saying “we only want what’s fair”. This implication that you are being unfair makes most people subconsciously give in. You should beware this, and instead of letting your emotions make you conceed, you should say “okay, lets revisit where you think im being unfair and then go from there”. The other way is by saying “we are being fair”. This again implies that you are being unfair, and subconsciously makes you want to concede. Instead, mirror them by saying “fair?” and throwing a label like “it seems like you’re willing to provide the evidence for why this is fair”. Beware of these, and try not to use them as they bring in negative emotions.

There is a way to ask for help. It is using a calibrated question that makes the counterparty propose a solution, instead of just doing what you ask. So, instead of asking them to execute a solution, you ask them how to solve the problem. “How do I do that?”. “What can we do about this?”. Since you are asking them for the solution, they don’t think that they are doing you a favor because they are the ones coming up with the solution. Since they are putting their own minds at work thinking about your problems, they internalize your situation better, and this makes them understand your side. This also makes them feel in control, which is always good.

These questions are also a subtle way of saying no to their offer. By forcing them to think about implementation details, they will slowly arrive at the solution you want if you ask them the “how” questions the right way.

You also need to worry about the people behind the negotiator. You need to ask how questions that get them involved in the conversation. Questions like “How will your team respond to this change?”. “How can we ensure that your manager is on board with the budget?”. etc. These players can veto your deal, and at the end of the day, you want the deal to be executed.

The next thing you need to know is how to figure out if someone is lying to you, and to see that once you reach an agreement, the counterparty will actually execute.

First, pay attention to the 7–38–55 rule. Only 7% of the message is based on the words, while 38% is the tone and 55% is the body. You have to pay very close attention to the body language and the tone of the person. If you see a mismatch between what they’re saying and what they sound like, use a label to bring it out and then figure out what they’re truly thinking.

Once you get to a yes, have them rephrase the yes in three different ways. First is the original yes. Then summarise the conversation and see if they say, “That's right.” Then, ask them an implementational question, like “What do we do if we go off track?”. Observe their answers and their body language to find discrepancies.

Pay attention to their use of pronouns. If they say I, me, my, etc., a lot, then they probably don’t have much power. If they keep deferring to others or saying we, they, them, then they probably have a lot of decision-making power.

Common wisdom is to use other people's names in conversation, but not too much. This is good, but you should also use your own name in conversations. This makes the other side think of you as a human.

To truly bargain hard, you need to understand your counterpart, what their instinct is, and what they mean by certain actions. You need to understand yourself as well. He says that there are three main types and that most people are mixtures of these. They are analytical, assertive, and accommodating. You have to be aware of how they behave and how to get through to them.

When bargaining, he recommended the Ackermann system. You decide on the price you want. This should be a precise number. Not something like 13000, but rather something like 13567, so that it looks rigid and like it has a lot of thought. First, offer 65% of that number. Then, softly say no to their offer without actually using the word. Do this in increments, offering 85%, 95%, and then 100%. Then offer a non-monetary term to make it seem like you’ve really reached your limit. Ideally, offer something they don’t want.

Now, sometimes your counterparty may seem crazy. They are probably not; they might be ill-informed, constrained, or they have different interests. You need to figure these out. Ask questions and try to understand them. Throw labels so that they correct you where you are wrong.

Overall, I want to apply these lessons to everyday negotiations, and just get a ton of practice in. Once I do that, I would like to revisit this book. I definitely did not understand, grasp, and internalize everything written in this book, but I do want to.