Rant before exam
Hi again, D!
Well I miss you, tho. Not in that way anymore and I’m really happy for every good things you got recently. Truthfully, i wanna says let’s reconcile. But I know I won’t be the first person to approach again because for the first time in my life, I want to be chosen. Well, leaving you mean I have to lost adek too. You two are a complete package.
Sorry for using your name again. It’s giving me some ease for unknown reason. Ya, here’s the rant:
Since I being toxic to you and ya, leaving your life. I got some thought running wild.
“Am I a good friend? am I worth to be friend with someone?”
Lol, idk. I found that funny. I have so many people around me the whole time. But I always afraid of them not liking me as “me”. When there’s distance, I’m panicking again as it happened with you. I know it’s a toxic cycle that I have to break. But, trust me, I’ve tried.
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For the rational reason — the monthly cycle — I’m feeling lonely even in a room with bunch of people. I don’t have people to rant about my day, again. Sorry Mrs. G, I don’t mean anything, he’s your probs now. I mean they have they own life before me and no one knows me as much as you, lol.
Originality is something that attract people and make them accepted by who meant for them. As an spongy person, I always can connect with people and be like them. You don’t believe me? How can I even be close to you? we’re in the whole different universe, my love. But at the same time, it’s make me seen as a two faced person. Truthfully, I always being honest but still choosing to be good with everyone. I can’t be a mean person, because we always need specific someone in someplace, right?
I have a few friend that hangout with me. My bad thought maybe they just saw me as a smart chick around and someone who always good at everything. It’s doesn’t feel organic by all mean. I know how they actually being honest with me but at some reason i can’t believe it. I’m trying. They all are good people. The nicest I’ve ever met and I like how they can correct me on the spot while showing me more spark of life. If anyone of you read this, the truth is I love you so much and thank you for accepting me. But ya, I start being the lone wolf again next stase. Hope we are all survived.
Also, I just realizing something.
Single me built to love but not ready to be loved.
I’m afraid, I calculate, I do measurement of everything then I’m late to realize everything. I always late. Also, I’m not as fun as I thought so maybe that’s why people can’t be close to me as I hope they would. I’m scared of being committed with a person. What if i give me my whole then got betrayed? Life is hard enough and I don’t want to make it worse. I don’t really have hobbies, not the one I truly work hard into it. I bake, I draw, I write, I read, I do makeup, singing, cosplay, anime, etc. It’s all just on superficial matters. I won’t be a fun lovers, tho. I can accept the sorrow, sadness, happiness, life, but somehow I can’t share whatever it is on me. I never learn and have to share it as you ever know me.
Anyway, have a good life, my dear reader. I have exam tomorrow so I should making space and throw something from my head.
With love,
Aise ❤
