Thanks my ego for saving me
These past weeks, I had realized that my ego is the stuff that saved me during my looooong depression.
I was depressed from the age of 7 to my 21. The lowest point was when I was 14 to 19. During that time I had a huge “up” of emotions every two days. I would be sad for 2 days, crying a lot, and I would die. I imagined all the ways I could kill myself. And right after this period I woke up in the morning very excited. Very happy, with a lot of energy, I made jokes and I felt like I had self-confidence, but deep down I knew it was fake. People around me didn’t understand at all, and in high school I was seen as the crazy girl.
When I was 16, I started therapy. I had talked to my therapist about it, but it was never noticed. No big deal to her. And I was like fascinating because for me, maybe I was bipolar or something like that. I was nervous about this point of my behavior, why I want to kill myself and the day after I am like “I am the best, you are all losers”.
Get Alexia Clr’s stories in your inbox
Join Medium for free to get updates from this writer.
After many years I had another therapist, since 3 years she is the same. And just like the first one, she doesn’t notice the stuff. We put the difference of feelings on my tiredness. The more the time passes, the less I have this huge up and down. I cry less, I am less extremely happy and excited — and at the beginning of the healing process I had missed it.
Until the last few days when someone made me feel bad. I felt like a fool. One day I cried. And two days later I want to buy new clothes and be sexy and flirt with a guy. Exactly the same feeling as before, especially in high school.
And I understood, he touched my ego. And my ego came back even stronger.
Every day in high school it was my ego trying to tell people and myself that I deserve better, I deserve happiness, I deserve love, I deserve to be safe and “fake it until you make it”.
I thought that ego was useless, but thank you, ego, for saving me.
I don’t like it that much, I prefer to love and share but we can’t cancel it, so let’s enjoy the protection it gives.
