Failed
Do you ever feel you failed at something? You can’t get it off your mind and you overthink how you could have done things differently. I had that feeling the other day and it was intense. Going through a divorce has stirred up the good, bad and ugly in life. I feel like I failed and where did I go wrong….
Family
I wonder if my kids will ever forgive me for leaving. I know I turned their life upside down but I couldn’t stay in that situation. I hope one day they will say, wow, my mom was really strong and did what she had to do. When it came down to it and everything they saw me go through. And I hope I set an example of what relationships should look like and what they shouldn’t look like. And not that I failed but that I was strong enough to leave, rebuild my life and never look back.
Comfort
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My marriage brought security with money but that was it. It never felt like a loving relationship. I take that back. It did for the first several years until it didn’t. I was so focused on my family that I didn’t see where things were crumbling. I didn’t see him going to someone else for comfort. I didn’t see the signs and when I did, I ignored them. I wanted to trust him because that’s what marriage is built on. In a society where the next thing is so easily grasped, I wanted to believe that we at least had a partnership or trust that wasn’t negotiable. Why is it though, that I’m the one that suffers. Why is it that I lose everything when all I was was a loving, loyal wife. Sometimes I feel anger but I know that anger won’t change anything so I choose peace and happiness regardless of what day I’m having. I need to learn how to snap out of the negative thoughts and focus on the future and how great it looks going forward, marching along in a new world for me.
Finding Myself
I found myself again after many years of losing myself to someone who never had my back. I realized that now. He never fought for me. Everything I said was wrong or had to be his way. I’ll never forget years ago at a bar out with friends one night, I had a pair of diamond earrings on. They were made from an old ring from an ex, I had them taken and made into earrings. My friend commented on those earrings. I said thanks, I had them made. He got so mad and in front of everyone said I should take them out and how disrespectful it was for me to wear them in front of him. They’re just earrings. Looking back, I should have stood up for myself but I didn’t. I took them off and placed them in my purse. What a coward I was, I should have said then buy me some.
Remember
As I look back, I realize now how trapped I was. If anyone knows me, the feeling of being trapped is my biggest fear. Like being at a party and wanting to leave but don’t have a ride. Now they we have Ubers, its different but before you just had to deal with it and hang out when all you wanted to do was leave and go home. That’s what the last few years of my marriage felt like. Until the one day, I decided to research and do something about it. That feeling is not something I ever want to experience again.
Leaving
So now as I leave my house, leave the financial security and everything I know. I’m here and moving forward. I’m scared, I’m excited. I feel like I failed but I’m trying not to focus on that. I’m trying to focus on the fact that I’m no longer trapped. I found my voice and the person I used to be and she’s ruthless, flawed, generous, loving, broken, feral, beautiful and kind.
