expecting (?)
About hoping too much, needing to be understood, and learning to come back to myself.
I think the most painful part of expecting too much is realizing that no one actually promised you anything.
You were the one who imagined it.
You were the one who believed it.
You were the one who stayed, hoping it would finally mean something.
Maybe it’s true.
Maybe we shouldn’t pour too much of ourselves into “something” or “someone”
Because sometimes, what hurts the most is not what they did.
It’s what we allowed ourselves to believe.
We give them chances.
We give ourselves reasons.
We call it hope.
We call it timing.
We call it the universe trying to teach us something.
Until one day, it stops feeling like faith
and starts feeling like betrayal.
Not always from them.
Sometimes, from ourselves.
For staying too long in a place that only knew how to confuse us.
For trusting a softness that was never really there.
For expecting warmth from something that kept leaving us cold.
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I thought maybe, if I ever found someone who could carry the same weight as me, something inside me would finally rest.
Maybe I would feel less alone.
Maybe I would stop searching for meaning in every little thing.
Maybe my heart would stop asking to be understood so loudly.
But somehow, I found myself expecting again.
Expecting to be seen without explaining too much.
Expecting to be held without asking.
Expecting someone to notice the silence I kept hiding behind.
And maybe that was the part that hurt the most.
Not needing too much,
but feeling like even the smallest need was still too heavy for someone else.
Maybe I was never asking to be saved.
Maybe I just wanted to be met with the same softness I kept giving away.
But maybe this time, I need to return to myself first.
Not because I no longer need people.
But because I’m tired of losing myself in places that never tried to understand me.
Maybe healing is not always about needing no one.
Maybe sometimes, it begins when you stop begging to be understood by people who never tried to listen.
— tamara.
