The guys always say, “I need sex. Another girl. Get back out there”.
I don’t want to.
I don’t need a woman. I need a purpose. A reason to wake up, besides the children. My therapist asked me “Who are you?’’ I still haven’t answered.
Who am I?
Besides being a son, ex husband, father, brother and friend, why do i wake up? Why wear nice clothes? Why stay groomed? Why care?
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After the divorce, for a year, I let it burn. And burn it did. It burned me, beyond recognition. The fire changed my appearance, financial mindset and outlook on life. And still, who’s looking back at me in the mirror? At 40, the midpoint of life, this isn’t where I thought I’d be. Two kids and a wife, no longer? Til’ Death Do Us…. Never mind. I’m not disappointed, too much.
Getting back out there?
Scary. Intimidating. I’m still under construction, still in the red, a recovering addict. Holding someone else’s hand? Kissing… am i dreaming? What do I have to offer? ……Hm. Would I marry again? I don’t know. Time is required, as long as it takes. There are very attractive women in Atlanta, but I’m out of practice. The cold call. I haven’t flirted with another woman in damn near two decades. What do I say?…. Wait a minute, I know exactly what to say. The truth. If that’s not acceptable, on to the next (Swizz Beatz voice)
Living again?… How?
She was my crutch. My reason to come home…. Even though, I was there, I wasn’t… Damn. I always thought she’d be there. As long as I didn’t commit the ultimate, we’d work on things. I was in it for the long haul. That’s a hard pill to swallow, so, I’ll crush it. I cant give this to another woman. I respect relationships too much. When I’m ready, I’ll step out, by myself. Nights on the town, alone. Damn it!! That’s it. Alone is where I need to forward my address. But, My goodness, do nights get lonely.
Having a direction.
I married young, for a man. 24. No vision of the future. Going nowhere job. No college degree. And now, I had a wife in tow, she needed direction that I couldn’t provide. Ingredients for disaster…. But, that was then. I am now. Walking the world with my chin up and shoulders back, there’s a pain behind these eyes. But, Captain James T. Kirk once said..
“I need my pain”
