New Beginnings
I should not be so concerned with writing the most “perfect” blog post for this assignment, but here I am. It is the very first day of graduate school, and the beginning of something is always the hardest; life has had a lot of that recently: new beginnings. Moving to a new apartment and starting a new master’s degree program are the more obvious ones, but there have been some unique ones too.
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I have had to adjust to having two dogs instead of four when two of my dogs passed away a week apart from each other this summer. I cannot describe the feeling of seeing my deceased dog be forcibly but gently crammed into a box for a home burial; I have never seen my family so broken. Both dogs had been in our family for over a decade. You get to a point where you see people or pets (who are family) as invincible and immortal, and it is jarring to say the least when that does not prove to be the case. I had never seen one of my pets physically after they died, this was the first time. I don’t have a word that defines that feeling for me, but Abby just looked like she was sleeping.
Also this summer, preceding the deaths of my pets, was the amicable but excruciating end of my six year long relationship with my high school boyfriend and my best friend. Two months have passed, but it still feels like the beginning, like it just happened. It hasn’t been long enough yet to live without him. We are still remaining friends, to which I am unable to truly tell if it is helping me or hurting me. To say I miss him is an understatement. How does one go from sharing your entire life with a person, for six long years (over a third of my life essentially) to leaving that all behind? My “at least” statement here that attempts to mask the hurt is that at least it was a mutual split (though I initiated, causing my own unique grief) and at least we are on good terms and are still friends. But obviously, the friendship will never be the same. He and I will never be the same. My friend who got broken up with last summer gave me this tidbit of advice to store in my mind: no one will date the same man you did. Even if he moves on, he will be different — no one else will date MY boyfriend.
While painful to think about, it does offer some relief; we both have the opportunity to start fresh. We both can experience new beginnings that allow us to flourish as human beings instead of remaining stagnant and complacent in an unfulfilling situation. And as I sit here typing Day 1 of the string of these essays, I cannot ignore the minute flicker of optimism brewing inside me about my completely open and autonomous future.
