Hushed!
Right now, I have nearly a hundred open tabs of unfinished conversations and unresolved conflicts running in my head. All because I’m trying to keep my cool, and avoid misunderstandings and unnecessary drama. And while this helps me dodge conflict, it doesn’t erase the fact that these issues still hover over me like a stubborn cloud. Every time they resurface, I feel uneasy.
Replaying the past isn’t easy, especially when the triggers are so minute, or it’s just a quiet moment. Before I know it, I’m rewriting entire conversations right in my head, weaving better responses, and imagining different outcomes. Sometimes, it’s a way to soothe myself. Other times, it’s an attempt to fix what I wish I had done differently. I envy confrontational people, they know how to give it as e dey hot. I can’t, for my life, be like them.
What’s funny is how this habit spreads. Some of the confrontational people around me now claim I’ve passed this trait on to them. Some are disgusted by it, while others laugh it off.
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Honestly, I can’t pinpoint one single reason why I hold back. Maybe it’s because I hate the endless back-and-forth that comes with confrontations, it irks me. Or maybe it’s because I have a habit of bottling things up to maintain harmony at the moment, only to regret it later. And as much as I want to change, it’s a very hard habit to shake.
These unfinished scenarios don’t necessarily make me overthink or anxious, but they do leave me in a state of uncertainty. I feel disappointed in myself for not speaking up when I should have. And even though I try to overlook, the unsaid words often feel heavier than the conversation itself. The immediate comebacks I could have said, the points I should have made, they all come flooding in, leaving me frustrated at my silence. It’s exhausting.
Still, I let these emotions play out in my head, regardless of the ripple effect. Sometimes, I act on them days or even months later, though by then, the moment has usually lost its meaning.
Closure is nice, but I don’t always care about getting it. Whether the conversation happens or not doesn’t bother me much. What matters is how I move forward with the person afterwards.
Some might call this avoidance, but I see it as self-preservation, a way to protect my peace and to stir out unnecessary conflicts. But I sometimes think: does preserving this peace always mean staying silent? Or does it just mean postponing the inevitable?
