I had started rebuilding internally through work with a spiritual life coach, but my life continued to feel painfully confined. The wheelchair hadn’t gone anywhere. Neither had the tension in our house. The world outside kept moving while I stayed mostly inside physically and emotionally. I was trying to move forward without standing up.
The trauma from injuries layered with loss and grief had changed me as a person both physically and emotionally. Tasks like going outside or taking a shower became even more scary filling me with anxiety and vulnerability. From a life of weekly clubbing, going out to the movies, trying new restaurants I gradually became more secluded to my own house. I was facing both physical and mental barriers and relied on friends and family to visit me more than I was willing to go anywhere. My days became very monotonous — sleeping, eating, toileting, some self-care, tv, bickering with Dad. I needed help with things I was able to do independently not so long before. I couldn’t believe what my life had become. I had lost myself and who I was or who I’d be moving forward.
I sometimes felt invisible in my struggle; family didn’t fully understand what I was going through but how could they when they weren’t in my shoes. I was expected to do more in terms of medical care and pressured to influence Dad’s actions. I felt cornered by certain family members even on occasions when the meet up wasn’t supposed to be all about me (Mom’s first anniversary of death dinner, birthdays, holidays, etc). I felt misunderstood when I’d turn down an invitation to someone’s house. Feeling the need to explain myself was exhausting. I often used Dad as an excuse as to why we’re not going to show up. Looking back, Dad wasn’t the only problem. I was carrying more than I knew how to handle.
Meanwhile, the heartbreak with Dad continued. He had become increasingly isolated himself spending most of his days in the basement sleeping or watching tv. He’d come upstairs mainly to eat. He was obviously depressed, withdrawn, emotionally unavailable. Basic personal hygiene had become challenging if not impossible at times for him. I didn’t understand him then like I’m able to now when I reflect on those difficult times. At the time, I felt so distant and disconnected from him. I couldn’t find the love, compassion, understanding and patience he needed. Most of our interactions included me blowing up and yelling at him. 20 years of anger, resentment now layered with grief were spilling onto him and I couldn’t control it.
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Dad felt more like a difficult roommate than my parent. Actually, it’s like the roles were reversed and I became the parent of a toddler. I couldn’t understand why he wasn’t willing to fight for his life and thought I could force him to. He just had given up on life because according to him everyone died off and he had no reason to live. All joy had left him. As much as it was frustrating, it was also sad to watch the Dad I knew fading away. And the worst part was that I felt powerless.
For the first year or two following Mom’s death, Dad’s cousins tried to interfere. Anytime we met, they’d lecture Dad and us on what they think would be the next best move. They tried to encourage and motivate Dad to seek employment again, go outside, get out of the house and be among people. Clearly, they didn’t understand the heaviness and reality of the situation and depression itself. At the time, their advice felt intrusive. Now I see it was probably their way of trying to help. My sister and I felt annoyed because we thought we were old enough to make decisions for ourselves. Our Dad was more than old enough to make decisions for himself. If I as his daughter couldn’t influence him then how could anyone else?
Mentally, I struggled during the day and even more at night. As night fell and the house got quiet, that’s when all my emotions ran wild. I was grieving Mom and the life I used to have. I was frustrated and in physical pain confined to a body I couldn’t love or accept. I was lonely in my struggle and felt like I’m the only one dealing with this. Often, I’d cry myself to sleep or argue with God. I was still blaming Him for standing still and watching me suffer. I’d journal and pray about the pain of dealing with Dad and my helplessness in the matter. The fear of going mad myself was real. There’s only so much a person can take. Looking back, it feels like a miracle I didn’t collapse under the weight of it all. I was determined to continue the fight for my own life even if it meant I was kicking and screaming doing it.
All through the ups and downs of everyday life, I was trying to find myself and who I was to be from now on. I had been unemployed for over 2 years now. The situation that was meant to be temporary was becoming a little more permanent. I managed to find a part time gig as a virtual administrative assistant. Returning to physical therapy was out of the question for now although I’ve kept my professional license. I was brainstorming about long term remote employment options. I’ve had health coaching on my mind for a few months but I wasn’t sure of what that would include. I knew I wanted to do something related to health and helping people, but I wasn’t willing to go back to school full time.
Then one day, something inside me began to shift. If my body wouldn’t cooperate, maybe my mind could. Maybe I could build something even from here. I was tired of feeling helpless and watching life pass me by. Health coaching was an idea but it also felt like a quiet nudge and a way to reclaim my purpose. I didn’t have the full vision yet, but I needed some forward motion in my life. So, I did a quick google search and found a 6 month online certification program. I scheduled a sort of clarity call and ended up enrolling into the program a few days later. I had plenty of personal experience with weight issues and chronic inflammation that would pair well with health coach training.
End of 2023 was going to be the start of something new. It was something positive for me to focus on for a change and I was excited! I couldn’t physically walk into the world yet, but I could build something from where I was…..
