Fading Connections and Relationships
In early February, I stumbled upon an article on HackSpirit.
People who unconsciously cut off friends…
The fascinating thing? In the days prior, I had two pen pals apologizing for not reaching out as quickly as they used to. Naturally, I reminded them that they did nothing wrong and brought up the fact that some others have been “AWOL” for far longer (months if not years) than they have. So, their ridiculously short absence paled in comparison.
Hence, reading that article felt so much like a weird coincidence. While I never gave it much thought before, the content made me ponder:
“This does happen, huh?”
Alarmingly so, the piece rhymed well with an opinion I shared previously about “Being Busy.” That HackSpirit article, however, expands it by touching on reasons beyond the hectic demands of one’s routine. Drifting apart can happen unconsciously.
Once again, Jesse Eisenberg’s Dave in A Real Pain might be a good example of this. If you haven’t, seriously, watch the Academy Award-winning comedy already! The obvious gap between the character and his cousin Benji was not intentional. It was Dave’s shifting priorities — one key point in the article — that inevitably caused him to drift apart.
The same week, Pokémon GO was running a Timed Research event called Beloved Buddies. One NPC, Candela, who was the focus of the storyline, stated a line that felt curiously coincidental yet again. The fictional character pretty much spoke about friends thriving separately. Her line was not even implied, but captured the idea precisely.
“I gotta trust that my friends have the strength to make it out OK, whether they’re on their own or at my side.”
True to Candela’s (stereotyped) optimism, instead of feeling uneasy about it, she ended the “talk” on a high note.
“I wanna be there to help — if and when you need me.”
Naturally, I resonate deeply with that last line. I agree with that sentiment, wishing to be there for others equally. But, of course, the real world doesn’t work like fiction. More often than not, a line like Candela’s will be appreciated, only to be NOT taken seriously. The emphasis is on the “if and when you need me” part. Because in most cases, in real life, that may NEVER happen. Maybe you’ve been in the same awkward spot, too?
Frankly, that kind of response disappoints me. I mean, I meant my words to a tee. I’ve experienced numerous occasions of being in need, only to have the people who promised to be there for me NEVER come and vanish instead. So, I understand that unpleasant feeling. And I will try my best NOT to have people, especially if it’s a family member, close friend, or someone I care about, feel the same way.
Yet, somehow, it felt like I had become forgettable if and when they were down in the dumps. It wasn’t that I craved for validation or anything. It’s just that, oddly enough, my wide-open helping hands, who were always there, became invisible from their line of sight! Or as someone once lamented to me, “Just like that, we’re only an afterthought.”
Of course, the more that happened, I slowly realized one thing. Such a situation was a prelude to something bigger. The dismissive attitude silently and softly segued into a worse outcome. And it was none other than the one I mentioned in the opening paragraph of this writing. Those people not only disregard my sincere offer. They cut off other people, too!
We live in a weird time. The rise of social media makes it easy to connect with people who live far away. But, in a way, it also makes it easier for that connection to fade away. There is one fact that feels antithetical or maybe ironic to that, though.
Honestly, people nowadays have FAR EASIER access to knowledge about or how to navigate themselves through connections or relationships. One good example is the Tech Support series by WIRED. Those free online videos bring experts on wide-ranging but specific topics, giving them space to answer real-life questions submitted by the audience. More often than not, the answers become an entertaining learning experience that broadens my horizon.
Connections in context
As you might have noticed already, I’m fascinated by articles or videos that delve into connections. Even when it seems not to be intentional about the general varieties. Like the one featuring the renowned Dr. Orna Guralnik, which discusses couples therapy.
Apart from the romantic or sexual parts, many of the issues included DO apply to any relationship in general, right? One part that fascinates me is how Dr. Guralnik keeps mentioning the word curious, as in a sense of curiosity about one’s partner. That is a component that keeps a relationship alive. Come to think of it, that applies the same to friendship and other connections, too. If one or both sides start losing interest in each other? Something is definitely amiss.
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Another thrilling WIRED video features licensed family therapist Stephanie Yates-Anyabwile. Likewise, this focuses predominantly on romantic couples. The fun difference is that some of the questions touch upon how forming a relationship with someone may affect the other relationships that a person has, in this case, family or friends. So, it has also been an eye-opening watch.
From my experience, what Ms. Yates-Anyabwile explains is very relatable, considering many faded connections I had or witnessed usually happened when that friend or family member met someone (new, either in a romantic setting or not). The presence of that “intruder” disrupts the nature or balance that was once there.
One good case is a close school friend of my brother. For simplicity purposes, let’s say that person is named Average Joe. Suddenly, Joe’s whole world revolved around someone new, say, his new lover. Joe began to push others, including my brother, away and away, albeit unconsciously.
As the Tech Support video elaborated, in line with the HackSpirit article, there was an obvious shift of priorities in Joe’s mind. Not that it was bad, of course. The people who used to be Joe’s inner circle? They all felt happy for him. Yet, before my brother knew it, Joe had grown so distant that my brother barely recognized him anymore.
Hypothetically, IF Joe’s relationship went well, and headed to the next stage? Then most likely, that awkward distance continued, as the sense of aloofness with his friends grew further. It might even turn Joe into a complete stranger, exclusively bound or chained to his couple only. “The bird has left the nest,” one often says.
But the problem is that a relationship does NOT always have a surefire warranty. “Happily ever after” only exists in fairytales. What happened when Joe’s relationship went sideways? Suddenly, once more, Joe started crawling back into my brother’s life, trying to reconnect.
Alas, the world around Joe, including his previous inner circle, had already adjusted to his notable absence, too. In short, the change happened on both sides. The relationship has already transformed Joe for better or worse. In Joe’s case, even I, an outsider, can attest to how the previously polite and positive-spirited Joe has eerily turned into a jaded and just a jerk of a person. From someone full of life, Joe became full of himself and, regrettably if not irritably, unpleasant to be around.
Simply put, the damage was already done to Joe. Despite the long friendship my brother used to have with Joe, my brother and his friends openly admit they now try their best to keep their arms at length from Joe. Why? Because the air no longer feels right whenever Joe is around.
On the one hand, I feel bad for Joe, especially recalling how he was a good person before — and maybe still is deep down under his new, unpleasant mask. But on the other hand, I also feel bad for my brother and his friends if they must “force themselves” to, in a phrase my pen pal (one among those I mentioned earlier) likes to use, “put up with” Joe’s new annoying antics.
Speaking of my pen pals, some have also shared similar situations with the Joe(s) in their lives. I admit I have my share, too. Heck, upon further thinking and retrospect, I might have been a Joe to the people I used to know! That might have happened when I pulled back to focus on myself and prioritize self-care. With that in mind, this issue is undeniably a common thing, huh?
I don’t recall which video. But I saw a comment about friendship and/or connection in that video that sounded fascinating. It easily stayed on my mind ever since. After a quick search, it turned out to be a line written by Ziad K. Abdelnour.
“You have three types of friends in life: Friends for a reason, friends for a season, and friends for a lifetime.”
I brought that line into a discussion with some pen pals. To my surprise, they more or less agreed to the notion. One even compared “the season” part somewhat literally, connecting it to the natural life cycle.
He said that sometimes, we meet cheerful and vibrant people who feel like Spring. Others are sunny like Summer. But as time goes on, the season starts to shift into Autumn. Their presence is replaced by the mellow and moody variety. By the time Winter arrives? The warmth that once was there has turned into sheer cold. In a sense, his analogy encapsulates the entire idea of why connections glow and fade, or how even the sweetest and magical mutual bonds can grow and wilt. Would you agree?
Better, albeit bitter
I admit that experiencing a fading connection is far from delightful. Experts have revealed that any good connection, when or if it has run its course, leaves behind a painful feeling. There is even a renowned song in my country that says something along the lines of “It is better to have a toothache instead of a heartache.”
That may explain why, despite my Mirror Armor tendency, I do my best, or try to, at least, not let one connection go awry as easily. In that pursuit, I have strived to be more understanding of their situation or the possible reasons for their decline. After all, we all have our reasons for disappearing from the spotlight.
Nevertheless, there is so much that I can do. Any relationship is all about balance. Even if I have done my part, it does not work if the other side does not reciprocate, right?
At the end of the day, people come and people go. Life runs that way. There are cases when walking away may be the sole solution, no matter how uneasy it may be. Upon further analysis, giving up on people does not need to be a bad thing, either, particularly if such “Goodbye” will impact our mental state or peace of mind for the better. As hard and painful as it is, giving up on people is still very much an option.
Originally published at https://f-cons.blogspot.com.
This post was supposed to go up on May 1, 2025. But it didn’t come to light due to Labor Day and a technical mishap. So I’m posting this today, and its (spiritual) continuation, which was planned for today, will arrive later this week.
