JPA
I constantly find myself gasping for air. It’s as if I were trying to stay afloat in an ocean and at anytime, this ocean could swallow me whole when my body is too tired to fight the currents that keep beating to my core.
For the very first time in a long time, I craved to drown in alcohol. I’ve never been an alcoholic though. Yet there was a point in my life where drinking soju felt like taking medicine. A bottle a night kept the pain away. I only did it for a few nights.
It’s not even like alcohol is an escape at times when pains are too much to bear. If anything, I cry even harder. Just like patting alcohol on a fresh wound, it doesn’t heal your wound; it kills off the bacteria so your wound is at least clean. So, does it mean whenever I crave the presence of alcohol in painful situations, I think of it as if it would cleanse the wounds in my heart?
I was on my way home, thursday around 6:15ish. As I was approaching my usual spot at the skytrain station, I got his reply. As I was digesting his every word, the skytrain was coming and I felt as if it had just struck me. I was crushed instantly, turning into dust falling on to the skytrain’s track and bound to be ran over by another skytrain.
I couldn’t feel anything but the pain inside my chest. Banging harder than my heart. When the skytrain reached the closest station in the area where he stayed, I found myself looking for his face just in case. What was I expecting, really? Wasn’t it already clear to me then that there really was nothing to hope for? I tried my best to keep myself together. There was a lot of people on the skytrain at that hour. I believe my eyes were glassy if anyone had caught them. The mask helped to cover me biting my lips at least.
So what happened was, I was hoping to see him. As friends, as instructed by him. No relationship promised as it was not what he was looking for and I agreed. I was on my period too which started happening the same day as he hit me up telling me he was in the city. Just a chill dinner or lunch would have satisfied me. Nothing fancy, I just wanted his company.
It wasn’t the fact that it never happened that tore me apart. It was how casual it seemed to me for him to not even think about following up. I started to think how foolish I was to believe that he’d actually still desire me after everything that we went thru last month. I caused too much damage for him the last day we were together. Physically, mentally and even financially.
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He hit me up, as he said he would. I should have known better that it was probably him trying to be nice and polite. He ticked that off his list and now he’s free. Maybe this was initially a set-up that was meant to lead me to unfollowing and removing him from my followers, deleting his number and all of our conversations without hesitance. Not even archiving it first to the cloud as I used to do with some people in the past.
I started acting weird and cryptic until he actually asked if I was mad at him and say sorry for not having been able to meet this time. Truth be told which was told to him was that I wasn’t mad at him. More, sad and disappointed perhaps with myself that I ate his words wholly without even chewing them when he said that he still wanted to hang out with me if he ever came to the city.
I arrived home, ready to pour the 30-minute-long suppressed emotions and tears onto my couch. The pain of a broken heart can really be physical and my chest felt burning. I ran to the showers to cool myself down only to sit on the floor and sob some more.
I skipped dinner and have lost my appetite since. I wanted to drink the liquors sent by my company for our office event the next day so bad but I didn’t. I still had soju that I forgot to finish 2 weeks ago. It didn’t make me feel better and I still don’t know why I felt the urge to run to alcohol.
I got a little calmer and started thinking more clearly. I decided to say goodbye to him. Impulsively, I’ve removed him from my socials and even his number but still, it felt so much childish. The thought of cutting loose has occured 3 times now. First, I was flooded with the jealousy of this girl who started hanging out with him. The second one, after the bad trip I had with him and how every time I looked back I felt shame that I just didn’t think I’d have the face to see him again. However, this time really took the cake for me.
I just couldn’t stand the fact that I wasn’t even worth an update from him. Just a quick short message saying that he wouldn’t be able to meet would have saved our friendship. I always know how I want to be treated and when someone does me wrong like that, I immediately cut all ties with them. I thought, well he kept telling me that he wasn’t looking for a relationship anyway and I too don’t wanna be in a relationship with someone who lives in a different place. So, why bother to stick around?
It’s been 3 days since that happened. Surprisingly, I still have enough tears when my mind starts wandering the memory lane. Maybe, there’s a part of me that’s curious to learn if what I’ve done is a mistake and yet now it’s too late. I checked his whatsapp and found him online. Just the thought of him and I staring at the app respectively made me feel close to him again. Although, I voluntarily preferred to put the salt on my injury by making me believe that he wasn’t even there to look for me.
Just 3 weeks ago, I thought about what he’d be doing for Christmas and that if he would fancy joining my trip up north. I typed my message carefully only to end up erasing it in a speed of light. What was I thinking? And now, no more he and I. Although, I still wonder if maybe somehow life would be playful enough to make us bump into each other one day. Or, even the day I realize I miss him that I’d dare to send a drunk text to ask for his forgiveness and if he would accept me back into his life, as a friend.
But maybe, I’ll forgive myself and forget him for good. I’ll move on just like I have before with others. Maybe one day I look back and be thankful we crossed paths once. Maybe, one day, let’s see.
