Bar Keep
I’ve been a bartender (among other things) for 30 years or so. I’ve worked at every kind of bar imaginable: hand-crafted, pre-Prohibition cocktail bars where everything is precisely measure and even the ice cubes are artisanal; neighborhood joints where free pouring is not only the rule but a measure of your mettle, and the bar features nothing fancier than Jim Beam and Miller Light; seasonal bars that serve only tropical drinks and the blender works overtime; wine bars that attract the “swirlers” and the “sniffers” and you’d make a margarita maybe once a week.
And everything in between.
Over that time, I’ve picked up a few things. I’ve learned how to tactfully cut off someone who may not make it home otherwise. I’ve learned how to listen to a million sob stories while the servers are screaming for their drinks. I’ve learned that people love to test their knowledge against mine: Is scotch A peatier than scotch B? Is your chardonnay a white Bordeaux? What’s the difference between a liqueur and an amaro? Spirits, wine, and beer have become so specialized over the last 20 years or so, it would be impossible to know every answer to every question, so to those patrons who know more than I do, I doff my cap to you. It’s always a learning experience.
My purpose here is primarily educational. I hope to share some of the knowledge I’ve acquired over the past 30 years, and in the process, give you a foundation for understanding not only what you’re drinking, but also to give you some awareness (and empathy) for the guy or gal on the other side who’s doing their best to make you happy. We work for tips, so it behooves us to keep you satisfied. That being said, there will always be unhappy, cheap, or demanding customers, and there’s not a lot you can do about it. Best to just smile and move on.
A Word About Professionalism
Fortunately, cutting people off — refusing to serve them more alcohol — is a rare occurrence, at least in my experience. But if you find yourself on the receiving end of, “I’m sorry, but I can’t serve you anymore,” keep in mind there are very good reasons, both legal and ethical. Most important, when you are overly intoxicated, your judgment is impaired. No matter how in control you think you are, your reflexes are slower, your vision is possibly compromised, and your decision-making abilities are weakened. Bartenders don’t want the responsibility of sending you off into the world when you might injure yourself or someone else. That’s the ethical part.
The legal component, while it may vary from state to state, is quite clear. And strict. In Oregon, where I live, both the establishment and the bartender can be held liable if a patron leaves the bar overintoxicated and injures either themselves or someone else. Or worse, if those injuries result in death.
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That’s right. I can be personally responsible if I over serve someone and they have an accident. So you can see why we keep a close eye on how much you drink and look for signs of intoxication. And believe me, no one likes to cut off a customer. It can lead to a confrontation, and that’s the last thing we want, but it’s sometimes necessary. And we always try to be as discreet as possible. We’re not here to embarrass you. So if your bartender ever refuses to serve you, remember, they are just watching out for themselves. And for you. Don’t take it personally.
Tipping
This is a hot — and divisive — topic these days. With seemingly everyone prompting you to leave a tip, it can feel overwhelming. And some people respond to that pressure by saying, “Screw it. If the owner can’t pay a living wage, I’m not going to subsidize the staff anymore.” I get it, but I would ask you to consider a couple of things:
- Some places do pay a living wage, and those establishments will usually tell you. In those cases, tipping is optional.
- While some people would argue that tipping is always optional, I would say, wishing the owners would pay a living wage is not going to make it happen, and registering your protest by not tipping is only hurting the staff that has just served you. When you dine out or go to a bar, there is an unspoken contract between server and patron: Good service deserves a tip (industry standard is 20%). Like it or not, that’s the system we have in place, and if you don’t want to abide by those rules, you should cook for yourself.
- It should be common knowledge by now, but it bears repeating: tips are a server/bartender’s primary source of income. At best, we make minimum wage, but many states pay less on the assumption that tips will make up the difference. If we have a slow night or a host of bad tippers, we’re just out of luck. No one expects to get rich in this industry, and no one demands more than industry standard for good service. If the service is less than satisfactory for whatever reason, use your best judgment, but be aware that, if you’re just not feeling generous that night, you’re impacting someone’s ability to pay their rent.
- A common — and I think fallacious — argument is, It’s not my fault you chose a profession that doesn’t provide a reliable income. You should have made better choices. The logic of that implies that I should have become a coder or an attorney or a CEO. Shoehorning people into a narrow set of career fields is restrictive and petty. And, as we’ve seen very recently with the advent of AI, even once-secure jobs like coding are not as secure as they used to be. So instead of lecturing the staff about their life choices, play by the rules and reward good service.
And if you think service is only about carrying food to your table or pouring a beer, here is a partial list of what patrons expect of us:
- Personal dietician. With so many food allergies (or even sensitivities), we take great care to make sure your food is safe for you to eat. That means checking with the chef — when they are probably doing a million other things — for an exhaustive list of ingredients to insure your particular allergen isn’t among them. And providing reasonable substitutions.
- Photographer. Eating out is a social occasion, and people want to comomemorate those occasions with a photo. We are happy to oblige, but be aware that one photo is enough. We don’t usually have time to wait for the perfect arrangement of guests or the perfect lighting or the perfect background.
- Dog tender. Portland is a dog town, and people love to eat out with their dogs. That’s fine, but we are often expected to fetch a bowl of water and even treats which means hunting around for the water bowl which may not always be in the same place.
- Phone charger. This is a new one, but requests for a charger have risen dramatically. Many establishments are mom-and-pop operations with only enough chargers to keep the POS (point-of-sale) systems charged.
- Therapist. This is an old cliche, but a true one. Behind the bar, I am often obligated to listen to not only customers’ life stories but to laugh at their jokes (frequently unfunny, sometimes offensive), and, in short, make them feel like they’re the only one at the bar. Yes, it’s part of the job, I know, but I usually have other things to do as well.
These are not a litany of complaints, but rather a brief compendium of duties that the average patron may never see but are things we must deal with on a daily basis.
In Conclusion
Bar knowledge entails a lot more than just remembering recipes. That’s the easy part, and thanks to smart phones and Google, an unfamiliar cocktail is only a quick search away. But the rest of it, the knowledge that most people don’t care about — the finer points of distillation, the difference between bourbon and rye, questions like, “Does absinth really make you hallucinate” and why was it illegal for so long? — these arcane bits of knowledge always come in handy when entertaining folks at the bar, and they give you some credibility to boot. So the next time you’re enjoying your favorite cocktail, remember, any bartender worth their salt has put a good deal of skill, experience, and even love into making that drink.
Cheers!
